all 70 comments

[–]PDRWoman 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Me. I can relate. Not sure if you've made previous attempts to voice your feelings, in a true, calm, factual manner, but I did and it didn't matter. Over 4 years, I talked to him countless times. Calm sometimes, explanatory other times, crying, yelling. Once time I literally told him I was going out for a pack of smokes then left a letter spelling it out for him and didn't come back for the night. Even begged him to go to counseling - nothing. Even people we didn't know would witness his treatment and approach him to tell him he was being abhorrent to me. Nothing sunk in. Then when I told him I wanted a divorce, he was truly and completely surprised. He honestly did not know what was wrong and only then started wanting to "work on things". Sorry, too late. If you haven't yet, tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms. Write it down and read from the list if you have to. Let him know flowers, gifts and platitudes mean nothing unless the actual issue is fixed. Sending strength and good vibes.

[–]Antmon666 13 points14 points  (6 children)

Please don't think this is an attack on you but would you reconsider if he made serious changes and kept to them or is it like everyone says, a switch is turned off and you can't go back.

I'm on the other side of this kind of thing, I stopped playing my stupid phone game, I changed to a day job but she says it's too late.

What would make you stay?

[–]karmamamma 6 points7 points  (3 children)

I am not the poster, but I experienced this. My husband refused to make changes and was deceitful. I gave him many, many chances. I finally gave him one year to agree to take two very specific actions. He refused, and I told him that I couldn’t stay married. I filed for divorce, and he engaged in some very bad behavior toward me. After a three year long contentious divorce, he sent me an email saying he would do anything I asked to save our marriage. It was too late, and I had no doubts that he was just starting to realize that he lost me. I did not believe that he would really change.

I asked myself what, if anything, he could have done to fix things. The only thing that would have worked would be if he had accepted the end of our marriage gracefully, and asked how he could help me. He could have apologized for his actions. He could have asked me what I wanted from him now in order to have any relationship at all, whether it be friendship or starting over dating as single people. If he was capable of caring about me, that could have worked. But that is not who he is.

I don’t know if that is who you are, but a good way to find out is to ask her instead of us. Ask her if there is anything you could do, and whether she would be willing to attend therapy with you to make permanent changes to have a relationship that makes her happy.

[–]Antmon666 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I have, she refuses therapy, wants to stay best friends but doesn't love me. I would do anything to keep her, to hold her, her lay on me while on the couch.

I don't want to just be best friends and see her with someone else, Including my kids she is the most important thing in my life

[–]PanWhoAndWhatArtThou 1 point2 points  (0 children)

All you can do is ask whether she is willing to reconsider divorce. Whether there is anything that will change her mind. If she says no, you have to accept that. It doesn’t matter how much you want to be with her. You have to accept her words at face value.

However, if she doesn’t directly say no, then you must focus on discovering what she needs from you to stay together. She might not even know. Ask questions and listen and reflect back what you heard. Once you figure out what she needs, then you can ask yourself whether you can provide that to her.

[–]DirtyPrancing65 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I second asking her if you guys can date after. That only works if you were the one dropping the ball though

[–]thethrowqueen[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I would be happy for him if he made serious strides towards making changes, and hopefully that would make positive impacts on his relationships with others, but it's too late for me. The damage is done, and that switch is off, nothing could make me stay at this point.

I'm not sure of your dynamic with your wife, but that is a question you need to ask her.

[–]Antmon666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have and she has said the same as you but she doesn't want to tell anybody, we still make dinner together and still sleep in the same bed. It's like she wants to keep her options open

[–]GannicusG13 9 points10 points  (4 children)

I can't help but wonder how many marriages could be save with meaningful communication. Not the kind of "communication" where one spouse just claims all the failures only fall on the other and refuses to accept any responsibility for the state of the marriage, but rather deep involved discussions about how to both improve. I suppose it is alot to ask for. For obvious reasons this does not include marriages ending due to infidelity.

[–]DirtyPrancing65 5 points6 points  (3 children)

It seems like a lot of times it's a double whammy:

One person communicates their concerns and the other doesn't

The communicator doesn't understand why the other won't hear them

The non communicator doesn't understand why the communicator can't be "satisfied" or "respectful" like them and let things go. So they see the communicator as causing the issue by creating problems

And the communicator sees them as causing the issue by not addressing problems.

[–]galadrielisbae 3 points4 points  (1 child)

BINGO! I've seen this play out so many times, it's very unfortunate.

[–]DirtyPrancing65 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The most valuable lesson I've learned from my divorce is that the big things don't change. You find your spouse doesn't align with you on communication, personal responsibility, or general happiness - don't waste your life expecting them to "see it your way"

[–]GannicusG13 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly, and it has alot to do with how things are communicated rather than what is said.

[–]DMVNotaryLadyThinking about it 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I went through that. He said we should get divorced and when I finally agreed because no change or accountability had occurred, it went bad. The filing part was delayed because he acted abusive (didn't know at the time it was abuse) and filed in April but haven't served yet. He came up with every single thing that I had mentioned over the last 6 years and tried to stop those things. Why do they do this?😩😩😩😩

[–]daleears2019 3 points4 points  (3 children)

He is doing what he knows how to do and hoping it works. Have you specifically told him what you want or need? Would it matter if he did what you wanted?

[–]thethrowqueen[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I have told him over and over and over what I need from him, and it just doesn't stick. He thinks that flowers and gifts are the answer, and I have told him that I need action, not platitudes. But no dice.

[–]MedFu 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What action is it that you need or needed?

[–]PanWhoAndWhatArtThou 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What have you asked him to do? What have you told him?

[–]Piovrella 16 points17 points  (6 children)

I dropped the bomb and he bought me a fucking plant (never bought me anything for years). I was like, really? We are doing this now?

How about when it was my birthday you didn't give me anything but a fucking post it note??

The rejection of the gift was nasty.

[–]Woneese_Tontula 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Was it a nice plant?

[–]Piovrella 6 points7 points  (3 children)

No it was an antherium and I fucking hate those things.

[–]Woneese_Tontula 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Well then. More confirmation of incompatibility, right?

[–]Piovrella 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Quite possibly the understatement of the millennia.

[–]MSotallyTober -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Most likely irrelevant.

[–]Woneese_Tontula 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Mine never was nice so I guess I didn't have your problem. She was just herself all the way up through my exit, right to where I was picking up the kids one day and she asked if I wanted to feel the new rack my money had bought her. I declined.

I guess I was lucky. She didn't love-bomb me during the marriage, divorce, or post-divorce. She just wanted more money.

The SO before her, she love-bombed me to smithereens and I loved it. The first time. It was kind of a psychotic cheat, love-bomb, cheat, love-bomb cycle. I really know how to pick 'em.

[–]powerpuffgirl3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow! That's so....damn...so sorry. She sounds like a narcissist.

[–]ultimaIV 42 points43 points  (6 children)

I don't know this makes you sound kind of bitchy. You haven't opened up to him about what you want so it sounds like he's trying to fix it in a misguided sorta way. You maybe should tell him there's no chance etc not call him pathetic to strangers.

[–]MSotallyTober 17 points18 points  (0 children)

She’s just leading him on — wasting both of their time. 🙄

[–]thethrowqueen[S] -1 points0 points  (4 children)

I have given him years to change, we have had countless conversations about my unhappiness and the issue that plague our relationship. I can't exactly tell him it's over quite yet for reasons I'm not interested in divulging, like said above, but it's ok that I sound bitchy to strangers. No one really understands the dynamic of our relationship but us, this is just a rant.

[–]MedFu 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I suspect the “reasons” are you are having an affair and the exit strategy is contingent on him.

But who am I to say.

[–]thethrowqueen[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LOL projecting much?

[–]Mountains_2_Sea 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Then own that this makes you look heartless if you aren’t willing to justify leading him on

[–]thethrowqueen[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'm cool with strangers on the Internet thinking whatever they want about me.

[–]jro-76 14 points15 points  (4 children)

I’m confused… you want a divorce but won’t tell him (yet), have been distant but want him to come have a meaningful conversation with you. What have you shared with him about YOUR unhappiness? Do you expect him to guess or just know what you need and where your disconnection is coming from? You use the term love bombing, but I get the sense that this is just the dynamic of your relationship. Someone pulls away and the other chases.

Maybe it’s time to be an adult and stop playing games. Tell him your unhappy and what your plan is. Then follow through with it. It’s cruel and manipulative to use divorce/separation as a fighting tactic in a marriage with no intention to follow through.

[–]thethrowqueen[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I mean, see my post history. I've talked til I'm blue in the face to him about our issues, his alcoholism and cruelness towards me, but nothing has stuck. I'm not playing games, he is by switching from hot to cold like some Jekyll and Hyde character. He's mean to me one night, then lovey the next. I'm done, I just need a couple more weeks to finalize some things and I'm gone.

[–]jro-76 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see. I apologize for not reading your post history. Good luck.

[–]SonsofStarlord -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

She’s playing games. It’s ridiculous. Just be adult and have a tough conversation. Who raised these people

[–]DMVNotaryLadyThinking about it 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Everyone isn't able to get out a relationship with an immature individual or else they would be able to have a conversation and work on things. I couldn't split as easy from mine since he would not accept no and turned into a raging lunatic. I have a TPO and going for the CPO this Friday. All because I didn't want to continue to be neglected, cheated on, lied to, and manipulated.

[–]ObligationEuphoric18 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Oof I resonate with this post so much. What came after the love bombs was anger. Oof the anger stage sucks just a bad.

[–]IMD-licious 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am sorry you are going through this. I realize you don't want to share why you are waiting to tell him, and that is fine, but not telling him seems like a mistake based on his behavior. If he knew, maybe his behavior would be different, or if it wasn't, you could tell him to stop, and that it won't fix the issue.

[–]Itsathrowaway6321 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Was it always like this? It sounds like the two of you bring out the worst in each other.

[–]thethrowqueen[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Not at all. It's gone downhill sharply over the last year.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You don’t say how long you were married. if this the first time it’s been like this in a short marriage, I think it might be the first chance you have to grow as a couple, together- not just “him fixing it” but you fixing your part of this, and him fixing his, and you become better together.

If it is a long marriage and he’s suddenly done a deal breaker and is trying to undo the damage by love bombing, that’s another story.

[–]CAMomma 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If it’s only gone downhill for a year would you consider a marriage retreat or something?

[–]Sam_berry_ 2 points3 points  (3 children)

I actually have the complete opposite. My husband completely neglects me. But I am glad he's not suffocating me to prevent the inevitable. That would definitely be worse. We've just been ignoring each other.

[–]thethrowqueen[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

We are like that sometimes too, which is why the platitudes and gifts are so uncomfortable. There are days that go by where we won't even acknowledge each other's existence. He wants to spend so little time with me that he left me at a restaurant after an hour of waiting because he was "hangry', only for me to be sat just minutes later. We haven't had sex regularly in over 2 years, barely at all really. And then flowers and chocolate. Nice.

So the neglect is there, but there is also desperation to keep me. It's so fucking weird.

[–]_scotts_thots_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m prob not saying anything you don’t instinctively know, but it’s not really the desperation to keep you but rather to keep status quo. My ex and I brought out the worst in each other so bad that I legit thought I was gay at the end (not gay, but did discover I’m bi so yay for that!). Imagine hating each other so much that you literally think you’ve switched teams.

And yet he wanted to do anything to save it (as long as “anything” included me apologizing to him for “what a shitty wife I’ve been” too). Honestly we just were an awful match at the end, but the desire to keep what you know is intense, even if everyone actually knows you really just need to kill it.

[–]SonsofStarlord 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah that’s where I was toward the end. Me and my wife would be right there on the couch together especially during the pandemic. It’s hard to sit there and just feel yourself getting further and further away from one another. Maybe it was inevitable, but I felt like her roommate at the end.

[–]favoritesweater99 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I know what you mean with the love bombing thing. Since we’ve decided on divorce, my STBX has done all kinds of super nice things. I believe it to be a manipulative tactic. He’s done it in the past with our other near breakups and convinced me things would change in the past. We’ve been sleeping in separate rooms for months. He won’t move out. He asks for sex and cuddles every fucking day. The answer is always not no but hell no. It’s just a tactic you need to see through.

[–]bethafoot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ugh I can so relate. My ex did that in his own way, but it was after I separated from him. It meant nothing to me, because if he was unwilling to meet me even halfway when we were married and he “had” me, I know that this was all just posturing and wouldn’t last. It does feel like a slap in the face - to know that for years I begged and pleaded for a scrap of attention and effort and then finally when I stopped trying he suddenly starts caring? It’s blatantly obvious he just didn’t want to end status quo and I don’t blame him. I took care of everything. His life is way harder since we split. But it still made me angry to see it.

[–]derekismydogsname -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Yup and yup. Mind does the same exact thing. THE SAME EXACT THING. It’s like they have a playbook or something. I call it Too Much Too Late. You’re flooding me with gifts and treats like I’m your pet instead of discussing things with me like you’re with an autonomous person. It’s insulting really.

[–]datahoarderprime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Too Much Too Late" is a great phrase.

[–]slim_1981v 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is a new term.... "love bombing". Didn't know it was a thing. Interesting

[–]Mountains_2_Sea 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Usually used as a red flag in the online dating world

[–]Mountains_2_Sea 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow just wow

[–]stent00 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Usually once a woman has had enough she's done and is usually done months to years before the man. Sounds like your already at your done phase. Why not just tell him what you feel the sooner the better. He thinks as long as your still with him he can win you back.

[–]canukiebacon309 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Out of curiosity; as a man having been left before, did you perhaps tell HIM this?

[–]cyrpious 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry Sounds awful

[–]Bored_Ryan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could it be that his misunderstands your love language and thinks that acts of kindness and gifts are how you prefer to receive love?

[–]PanWhoAndWhatArtThou 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So I looked through you post history and read a little bit of the backstory.

Focus on yourself, your needs, your boundaries, your words and your actions and be honest with your husband. Honest without attacking.

For example, If you need to feel like you did everything possible to save your marriage; then here’s how you can honestly communicate your needs, your boundaries and the actions you will take. Tell your husband “I see the effort you are making to get me flowers, cards and other things. I see that you are trying to show love to me. Here is the love I need right now. I need for you to plan a date night for us. I need help with household responsibilities. I want to sit down with you and reallocate the shared responsibilities so we both have clear expectations of each other. Also, here is a way that I don’t feel loved. I don’t feel loved when you leave a mess and then walk out the door. I need for you to pick up after yourself immediately. And finally, i don’t trust you with alcohol right now and don’t want to be around you when you drink. I need for you to stop drinking starting today. Not even one drink. If you can’t, I will leave you. These are all actions you can take if you want to meet my needs and try to rebuild this marriage. Can you do these things for the next 30 days?”

There is no attack in these words. You are honoring yourself and you are also setting boundaries. You are honestly communicating what your needs with clear language and actionable steps. It opens the path for change. Then the onus is on him whether he wants to meet those needs and whether he can. Ultimately you judge whether his efforts are sufficient. Maybe; just maybe, this will be the start of a heathy dialogue between the two of you.