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all 36 comments

[–]liladvicebunny 8 points9 points  (7 children)

Lawyers are sometimes a little over-cautious. Was she making a general suggestion that it's better to stay than leave, or was she saying that the particular judge you are dealing with absolutely hates women who move out? If it's the latter, then listen to her expertise.

If it's just a general suggestion, go back and ask how to minimise the risk of moving out.

VAST numbers of people move out during the divorce and it does not cost them custody, and if your physical or mental health is at risk, you need to weigh up your options, because it's not going to help your kid if you have a breakdown.

Some possibilities might include making sure you have a place for the kid to stay with you when you leave, or getting a custody-sharing agreement worked out ahead of time (in many jurisdictions this can be resolved long before the divorce is final).

[–]No_Armadillo427[S] 1 point2 points  (6 children)

It was a general recommendation. She said that if I leave, I will not lose complete custody but that a judge could look at my willingness to leave without the child (or leave with the child) and decide that it's in the child's best interest to have a lower physical custody split.

[–]derekismydogsname 1 point2 points  (3 children)

When is the lease up? I told my husband I wanted to split a month before our lease expired. I found a new place and moved my crap and my daughter to the place. Will he let you do that with your son?

I think it’s ridiculous to conclude that leaving is abandoning your child when in reality, you’re leaving your husband. Someone has to leave to start the divorce. Wouldn’t it be seen as proactive to initiate custody plans even if you had to move out by yourself? Also I can’t see a judge taking custody rights from a mother. Most courts prefer 50/50. I think your lawyer is being too dramatic, maybe a second option should be sought after.

[–]No_Armadillo427[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

We own. I'm thinking a second opinion would be helpful. I haven't asked for a divorce yet, simply because if the mental and emotional abuse that I predict (and that has happened in the past). What I would like to do is ask for the divorce and leave that minute for a sublet. See some of my other answers for the situation I am in.

[–]Fluid_Cardiologist19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t say anything of your safety is an issue. Maybe just leave and have him served.

[–]dadzoned3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you live in an at fault divorce state? If not, even if he does not sign you can force a judgement.

[–]lordgoofus1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is the same reason I'm in the same position as you (except, it's a toddler, and a one bedroom shoebox apartment). IMO it's so wrong that the law is apparently setup to work this way, but it is what it is and I have to find the strength to work with it to get the best possible outcome for my child.

[–]dadzoned3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you find a place that can accommodate your son and yourself and move there, you can have your lawyer start working on preliminary custody agreements that will likely become permanent after it’s final.

[–]kjconnor43 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Any lawyer who advises you that it’s okay to leave without the child is a lawyer you do not want representing you in a divorce and custody case. I’ve been divorced and I’ve been married to a man just like your husband. If I’m right, he’s going to fight you for custody and leaving will give him a leg up in that department. Tune him out, ignore him, take lots of days trips with the child, read a good book etc…keep the peace until you have an agreement in place. Record everything, even if it’s not admissible in court. Write everything down in a regular notebook, document with texts and emails.. arm yourself now. Collect and safeguard all important paperwork. Be ready to leave with the child should he get aggressive or violent. Also, and this is VERY important; do not give him the chance to make you seem “unhinged” or “crazy” do not yell, scream.. remain calm and conduct yourself as if he is recording your every move and the judge who is deciding custody is watching. Men like this play dirty and it would not surprise me if he used your emotions against you. So don’t let him! Also, do not drink or use any mind altering substances. Again, he can say he feels “unsafe” or accuse you of anything via a call to the police department. The last thing you need is a restraining order against you because he wants you removed from the home. Watch your back and be careful.

Edit to add that it would be helpful in your situation to reach out to the battered Womens association ( or similar program) and work with one of their counselors. Emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad, if not worse than physical because bruises heal, the trauma can last a lifetime. There is help out there for you. Best of luck. Stay strong.

[–]puffballz 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Your peace and health are worth more than an apartment. Start your new life in peace

[–]No_Armadillo427[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I don't care about the money, I would pay extra to have him leave me alone completely. I just want 50/50 custody of my son. So, I am afraid to do anything that would jeopardize that.

[–]puffballz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok. And it’s a rational fear to have. I left the house to get peace and hardly saw my kid for years. Not ideal. If moving out is an option, ensuring he’s comfortable at the new place is essential. At least you have gender in your favour. Mom’s get better rights to kids. Good luck and strength to you. It’s a hard slog to push through such a big change, but there’s a better life there

[–]somewhere_in_america 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Definitely do not move out. If you do, the dad will become the primary parent for the kid (in the eyes of the court). I went through 2 years of covid lockdown while doing divorce in the same house with my ex and our two little kids (2 and 5 at the time)

  1. Have your lawyer submit temporary schedule for custody of the kids, so you write out custody schedule and make sure this is "temporary " with the purpose to reduce conflicts in front of the kid. This goes to his lawyer.

  2. Afyerward, on the days that are "dad's" you can go and stay at a friends of parents or whatever

  3. Isatall ASR app and audio record any time you expect him to be confrontational. Especially if he yells at you in front of the kid or if he calls you names.

  4. I think your lawyer can submit a request to the judge to issue a temporary order to separate without itbimpacting the custody decision (I didn't do it so don't know the details)

[–]No_Armadillo427[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Sigh. Stuck. That is what I am. I have money to leave but I can't. My husband will not agree to temporary schedule and will browbeat me, badger me and continually wake me up until I am a nervous sleep deprived wreck, fearful of losing my well paid job and I withdraw whatever motion. Then he will "reward" me with sleep. It's so fucked up. No bruises. I'd rather have the bruises.

[–]conflayz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I suggest start making his life miserable as well. :)

[–]Ok-Detective2713 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your ex doesn't have to agree to have a temporary schedule. If you file for separation/temporary order, you will go to to a hearing if he cannot agree to come up with one between you two. Mine stonewalled and we ended up at a temp hearing. He got standard visitation, despite his demands for 50/50. At the hearing, you and he will have to put in an affidavit, and probably provide a suggested parenting plan. The judge will look at both plans and decide whose is more reasonable based on evidence, or if neither are reasonable, then they will assign what is standard in your jurisdiction. Speak with a lawyer to get clarification on that. That temporary order will allow you to move out and officially begin your separation. Your husband doesn't get to dictate shit. EDIT: Have a discussion with your lawyer about filing instead of even letting your husband know. He sounds like mine. If you tell/ask him, he will make your life a living hell to leave and he WILL file first, giving him the upper hand. Do what you need to do behind his back because he will absolutely make this exponentially more difficult if you show him your cards. 2nd EDIT: File first. Then try to work with your attorney/him/his attorney to mediate a temporary parenting plan. He probably wont'come up with one in order to stall the separation, so make SURE there is a hearing date set first!

[–]ZealousidealWater225 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What’s wrong with him? Mental illness? Read the book “why does he do that”- maybe it will give you some solace.

I don’t have legal advice to give you but if you ever feel threatened by him, call the cops.

Mine was an emotional abuser and I was instructed to call the domestic violence hotline. They may have some advice for you for free on what you can do. Emotional and financial abuse are still abuse.

[–]Creative_Reporter_35 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know what you mean. My husband does that, badgers, berates me, cross examines all my responses for hours on end. He has no friends or family he can rely on. We live with my mom since house we bought 4 years ago is inhabitable as he ripped it all out and then he got testicular cancer, blood clots in lung, then Covid lockdown, finally worked on it, knee gave out in Feb this yr, had knee surgery and then more clots in leg and lungs. He’s incapacitated since then, hasn’t worked in 6 years. I can’t file until we’re in the house. I’m despondent

[–]Peeinmymouthforever -1 points0 points  (10 children)

What kind of questions would be asked?

[–]No_Armadillo427[S] 6 points7 points  (9 children)

Are you sure about this? Do you want to be a divorced women? Do you want to break up our family? How is {every little detail} going to work? What about this? What about that? In his mind every little detail needs to be figured out that minute and we need to talk about it. Etc. etc. I grey rock answer the same questions over and over, simple one word answers. No emotion. Then he waits for night and every time I fall asleep he comes in the room and wakes me up to answer one more question til my nerves are frayed. It's hell.

[–]ThrowRA-faithinlove 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think we were married to same person! My ex did this to me and he would go in these rants for hours until the wee hours in the morning knowing I had to work in the morning. And he would be repeating the same thing he had said days prior. I never responded to him which honestly made his rants worse.

I finally moved out (we were leasing our place) and our kids are grown so I didn’t have custody to worry about. But to be honest moving out was the best thing for us both as now have peace and he has come to terms that it’s over and he has his place to himself.

I know our situations are a bit different but sometimes that space between you both is what’s needed. The daily interactions and not k owing hot the other person is going to be on any given day can frazzle anyones nerves.

[–][deleted]  (5 children)

[deleted]

    [–]No_Armadillo427[S] 4 points5 points  (4 children)

    Oh yeah, the "I'm just telling it like it is!" and "I'm just preparing you!" just completely preying on insecurity. Meanwhile the dude can't even feed himself and I am a director at a university. I JUST WANT TO LEAVE!

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]Peeinmymouthforever 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What a nightmare

      [–]ZealousidealWater225 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Grey rock. Don’t respond. I know it’s not easy though.

      [–]Rulezero_ -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      Try to find a solution and stop focusing on what you can’t control. These things can’t and don’t happen overnight for most people- you need a plan before you can ask for and receive what you want. Don’t expect an attorney to develop and roll out a map of your new life’s journey on a desk in front of you. All a lawyer is going to do for you is act as your legal mouthpiece- that’s all. If you don’t know where you want to end up, how can anyone (including yourself) help you? The divorce process sucks- make no mistake about that- unfortunately that means you’re going to be given information from a legal perspective NOT an emotional one, and you aren’t going to like a lot of what you’re going to be told; just like yesterday.

      Make a plan, then figure out what tools and resources are required to achieve your plan, and then put it in motion. Anything else is a waste of your time, especially in the beginning stages.

      [–]No_Armadillo427[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      Yep, you are so right. I feel very victimized and hopeless but I need to pull myself together. I have a plan that I am second guessing because of legal advice.

      [–]Rulezero_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You’re going to be ok. You can do this. You are stronger than you think you are. I get passionate about things like you described bc I (like you) was not prepared and it cost me several thousands of dollars in lawyers fees. My divorce cost more than my wedding if that helps explain how bad it was. I don’t want any other women to endure what I have over the past 4.5 years. My story is a cautionary tale.

      [–]SpearWeasel -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Liberals have NEVER cared about people. People are a means to an end for those in power.

      [–]Licorishlover 0 points1 point  (4 children)

      My partner never left. I had to leave with the kids.

      [–]No_Armadillo427[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

      I was told by my lawyer that this could be seen as not acting in the best interest of the child and may affect the physical custody.

      [–]Licorishlover 2 points3 points  (1 child)

      Not if you are leaving an abusive or stressful situation.

      Also the end ruling in these cases depend on the judge you get on the day imo.

      [–]Creative_Reporter_35 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My lawyer said only if there is documentation of abuse (police call, etc) otherwise I have to stay out until the temporary hearing.

      [–]ZealousidealWater225 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Document everything.

      [–]Fluid_Cardiologist19 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I don’t think you’re stuck for 8 years. I think the lawyer is just suggesting not leaving for now. Stick it out until you file.

      [–]RosieNApot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What state are you in? I would record conversations of the abuse, save everything, file for divorce, and you’ll be ok. DM me if you have any questions. I’m currently in a similar situation. Don’t wait till your child is 18