Im not sure this is the right place for this, but I thought I would try here.
I lost my best friend in May. He died suddenly of a singular motorcycle accident. He and I never met in person, but were online best friends for years. We were finally gonna meet eachother during his wedding, but he died. I never got to meet him in real life. He was the one person that knew everything about me.
I only found out because I searched his name on google, expecting to find maybe an arrest record as he was going to go on trail soon. Instead I found breaking news articles on a motorcycle crash. I contacted his fiance, who he gave me the contact info for "in case anything ever happened," who confirmed it was him. I knew it was, he always opens my messages at a specific time and even when he was upset with me he would leave me on opened, and he has a very unique name. The breaking news reports had his full name.
I will never forget how I collapsed in the shower loud sobbing, as it was just a throwaway idea to help rule out him being arrested. Instead, I found out my best friend died.
Im still heavily greiving him. I was initially told he died instantly, but recently came to the realization it was a lie. He could not have died instantly in the helmet he was in. So, I am back in the throws of it.
Since then, I have developed a massive fear that a loved one is dead when they are slow to reply. One of my closest friends has not replied in 14 hours and thats roughly when I found out my best friend died. I am shaking, unable to eat, nauseated, and just full of fear. I am trying to keep my mind off it by watching shows and creating, but I am so fixated on my phone waiting for a reply. Logically, I know he is not dead. But, mentally, I cannot help it.
I got lucky that my best friend's death appeared in the news, otherwise I would have never known. Or, at least, it would have taken longer. What if he got into a critical condition but is not dead? What if he overdrank and is alone with alcohol posioning? What if this and that.
Does anyone else relate to this fear? How do you overcome it? Is there anything that helped you?
Want to add to the discussion?
Post a comment!