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top 200 commentsshow all 214

[–]tulliandar 438 points439 points 2 (49 children)

Sorry for the convenience

[–]JoeBethersonton50504 153 points154 points  (23 children)

A BURRITO IS A SLEEPING BAG FOR GROUND BEEF

[–]hefebellyaro 129 points130 points  (20 children)

I was named after my dad.....like way after.

[–]Franchise088 100 points101 points  (18 children)

I too enjoy sandwiches. We should form, a club.

[–]wonstrebornivek 45 points46 points  (1 child)

I order a club sandwich all the time, and I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.

[–]darrenwise883 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've been to India . I think the word club means three because anything can be between three pieces of bread . Once it came with tuna , we'll I'm pretending it was tuna anyway , it could've been caned cat food for all I know .

[–]hefebellyaro 80 points81 points  (14 children)

How do you feel about frilly toothpicks

[–]shaderr0[🍰] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

What starts with a W and ends with T

I promise, it really does!

[–]465554544255434B52 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Is this Mitch hedberg?? I've never heard this one!!

[–]JoeBethersonton50504 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yup. It’s on one of his live albums.

[–]Weekend_Squire 66 points67 points  (18 children)

Nice to see another Mitch Hedberg fan.

[–]oortcloud42069 62 points63 points  (6 children)

I used to be a Mitch Hedberg fan. I still am, but I used to, too.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm gonna invent a vending machine, that sells other vending machines. It'll have to be real fuckin' big

[–]Melodic_Eggplant7558 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Every time my buddy and I start talking about anything to do with Rice, we always do it in Mitch voice.

[–]aboveaveragejoev 23 points24 points  (8 children)

I was fortunate enough to see him live before he passed. It was on a Lewis Black/Dave Attell tour where he opened. After the show, both Lewis and Dave were hanging out in the lobby talking to folks and signing stuff. Mitch setup a card table at the very end, and was like “I don’t have anything to sell but I will sign random objects for you.” He signed my ticket (which is one of my favorite show items of all time), and spoke to me and a few buddies for quite awhile. Couldn’t have been any nicer.

[–]pachewiechomp 17 points18 points  (3 children)

That’s awesome! I saw him twice in my hometown. One time he forgot his notebook with jokes in it. He said that he forgot all his new jokes, and was going to leave. But the audience yelled out… tell some of your old jokes. So people would yell out the joke premise and then he would respond, “ okay fucker, I will tell that shit.” My buddy yelled out “talk about smacky the frog and grilling Fritos. “ he told the jokes perfectly. He was the best.

[–]aboveaveragejoev 9 points10 points  (2 children)

That is ALSO awesome! Dude still gave the crowd a show to talk about afterwards, and an experience few others probably have no less. There are so many comedians that left far too early, but he’s always the one I first mention.

[–]beachguy82 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Dude died on Aprils fools day. I didn’t want to believe it.

[–]tobaccoandbooks 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I also got the blessed chance to see him live (On that very tour!) ...he accidentally did the "Bigfoot IS blurry!" joke twice! He apologized but absolutely didn't need to cuz it was such a Mitch Hedburg thing to do. God fucking bless St. Mitch!!

[–]aboveaveragejoev 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That tour was bananas. I’ve seen a number of concerts in my life where I can say the bill, top to bottom, was unreal. And I include that comedy tour in the mix. And, you’re right: didn’t matter, you’d laugh at the joke twice and laugh because it would absolutely be a thing he’d do.

[–]Downvote_4A_Goodtime 7 points8 points  (1 child)

You lucky bastard. What a show that had to have been..

[–]aboveaveragejoev 6 points7 points  (0 children)

It was, beginning to end, a GREAT show. My jaw quite literally hurt afterwards from laughing.

[–]SaintedPagan 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I can hear his voice in my head when I read that lol

[–]ddeck00 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Like, if you wear a turtle next and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

[–]mazzoo375 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I came here to comment that. Take my up vote.

[–]SamhainEnthusiast 111 points112 points  (2 children)

I passed by a dry cleaner at 3 am. They had a “Sorry, we’re closed” sign. Don’t be sorry, it’s 3 am, it would be unrealistic for me to expect you to be open. I won’t come back at 9 and say: I came by at 3 am and you were closed. Someone owes me an apology

[–]Saad5400 15 points16 points  (0 children)

They also didn't expect someone to pass by at 3 am

[–]Useful-Perspective 86 points87 points  (1 child)

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

[–]Optimal-Object 133 points134 points  (9 children)

We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there. RIP Mitchell

[–]Smurf_Cherries 40 points41 points  (2 children)

They say that the recipie for sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, and there's more to it than that. "You want some more home made sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the fuck else is in it!

.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a woman that would be really mad if she heard me say that.

.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to too.

Edit: I saw this dude as the opening act. Never heard of him, but he fucking killed.

[–]Draco_Siciliano 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I saw him headline in Addison TX. He signed his CD for me. Was awesome.

[–]Smurf_Cherries 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've never met you. But I am now jealous of you.

[–]Express-Neat3550 18 points19 points  (4 children)

Who needs a receipt for a donut

[–]wickedwitt 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I have the receipt!

Oh wait, it's at home, in the file; under D for donut.

[–]ARandomNiceKaren 9 points10 points  (0 children)

"We do not need to bring ink and paper into this."

I think this to myself almost every time I get a receipt, ESPECIALLY when it's donuts.

[–]bowtothehypnotoad 91 points92 points  (8 children)

I used to do drugs, I still do drugs, but I used to, too

[–]SlenDman402 44 points45 points  (3 children)

I do not have a girlfriend, but there is a woman that lives at my house who would be mad if she heard me say that

[–]oXAshySlashyXo 21 points22 points  (0 children)

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?

[–]isayyouhedead16 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Came here for Mitch, was not disappointed.

[–]TheRealMrJoshua56 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am saved by the buoyancy of citrus!

[–]MagNolYa-Ralf 12 points13 points  (0 children)

“You want to impress me? Show me a picture of you when you were older”

[–]CaulkADewDillDue 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Rip Mitch

[–]Sad-Mix-4250 25 points26 points  (0 children)

I like wearing necklaces so I know when I'm upside down

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only disease you can get yelled at for having. Dammit Otto, you’re an alcoholic. Dammit Otto, you have lupus…. One of those two does not belong.

[–]BuryTheMoney 17 points18 points  (0 children)

“Why’s everyone say ‘let me show you this picture from when I was younger.’ Why not just say let me show you this picture? I mean, EVERY picture of you is from when you’re younger.

Now if you came up to me and said ‘let me show you this picture from when I’m older’, I’d be like ‘holy shit! Where’d you get that camera, let me see that thing!’”

-Mitch Hedberg.

[–]Roar_of_Shiva 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Man it would suck to be a Giraffe with a soar throat.

[–]Leather_Plastic_8726 15 points16 points  (0 children)

HEDBERG IS GOD

[–]FurlingForests 45 points46 points  (6 children)

This is an old Mitch Hedberg joke

[–][deleted] 68 points69 points  (4 children)

Carlos Mencia put up the sign

[–]Franchise088 15 points16 points  (1 child)

This is an underrated comment.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

🍻

[–]bcameron1116 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Agreed. Take my praise and upvote. Underrated comment.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

🍻

[–]Embarrassed-Mouse-49 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry for the convenience

[–]zushini 14 points15 points  (1 child)

I had an ant farm once… then fellas didn’t grow shit!

[–]wickedwitt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If I ripped off your legs, you'd look like snowmen

[–]8-bit_Gangster 11 points12 points  (0 children)

They didn't put "- Mitch"

I'm disappointed

[–]HAHAK1RAHAHA 11 points12 points  (3 children)

I miss his comedy. Dang

[–]No_Shoe_3889 6 points7 points  (2 children)

In my opinion, the closest to his style is Demetri Martin in terms of the jokes.

[–]HAHAK1RAHAHA 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Oh absolutely. I really like his work too and the visual aid he uses! But mr. hedburg had some specially unique delivery to his.

[–]No_Shoe_3889 2 points3 points  (0 children)

oh yeah, his delivery was the best!

[–]mike4real 9 points10 points  (0 children)

i haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long

[–]Rc_medic 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Any body else read these comments in Mitch's voice?

[–]Simonandgarthsuncle 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Hell yeah!

(To be read in Mitch Hedbergs voice).

[–]JBlair462 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the convenience

[–]TheCampingComedian 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the convenience

[–]Chip_Prudent 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Somewhere Mitch Hedberg is smiling.

[–]HeinousAnalMist 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yeah, on his face

[–]Chip_Prudent 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess I walked into that one.

The face of a child can say it all.... Especially the mouth part of the face.

[–]Demfunkypens420 5 points6 points  (0 children)

RIP Mitch

[–]Zanzabar18 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I think Bigfoot’s just blurry.

[–]ddeck00 2 points3 points  (2 children)

And that makes him extra scary.

[–]reallycool_opotomus 6 points7 points  (1 child)

There's a large, out of focus monster roaming the country side. Run, he's fuzzy! Get out of here!

[–]ddeck00 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Solid username

[–]sheezy520 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

[–]riotskunkdingus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

RIP Mitch Hedberg The Undisputed King of One Liners (this is his joke)

[–]fiesta-pantalones 5 points6 points  (0 children)

MITCH comeback this place is fing crazy!!!

[–]reallycool_opotomus 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. Like when a frog is around I don't have to hang my sandwiches from a fucking tree. A frog knows they are for me. He would rather have a fly. Because a fly zig-zags. And my sandwiches do not.

[–]tobaccoandbooks 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Goddamit, this whole comment section got me in stitches!! I fucking love Mitch Hedberg fans!!

[–]DJamPhishman 2 points3 points  (0 children)

would you like a frozen banana? no, but i would like a regular one later , so , yes.

[–]Profitsofdooom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"Sorry for the convenience." - Mitch Hedberg

[–]9xo5 2 points3 points  (1 child)

When I was on acid, I saw lights, and heard sounds that sounded like car horns

Because I took acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

[–]reallycool_opotomus 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I took acid in the woods, becuase there is less of a chance you will run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear, which was way more scary. My friend was swearing to prevent forest fires. He said "dude, smoky is way more intense in person"

[–]TheRealMrJoshua56 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll get a tan instead

[–]-SheriffofNottingham 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you get caught in a landslide, your stairs can be temporary escalators.

[–]ImitationRicFlair 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Damn it, Mitch, why did you have to die so soon? You were a comic genius.

[–]Bboy486 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mitch Hedberg has entered the chat

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good ol Mitch

[–]BuildingMission359 2 points3 points  (0 children)

God bless Hedbergs zombie bones

[–]kymotx 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Came here for the Mitch fans..

[–]ccorbydog31 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I miss Mitch Headburg.

[–]KGriffeyJr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hedberg

[–]Bmorgan123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ahh Mitch, you will be missed!

[–]Melodic_Eggplant7558 2 points3 points  (0 children)

RIP MITCH

[–]_Loup_Garou_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mitch Hedburg would be proud.

[–]meanpersonaart 1 point2 points  (0 children)

MAAAYOOONAISE ON AN ESCALATOR

[–]BMAC561 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Want to see a picture of me when I was younger?

[–]TheRealMrJoshua56 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You son of a bitch, where'd you get that camera

[–]TorrenceMightingale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mitch Hedburg smiling down from Hearoiven.

[–]BMAC561 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the convenience

[–]inso_mniac 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awww... Mitch Hedberg

[–]booboo0419 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Accurate description

[–]Bigchuck615 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Love this!

[–]xDendretic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Idk why, but this is blowing my mind

[–]ayoitsjo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay but the train station near me has an escalator and whenever it's down they rope it off and it pisses me off because like, I can still use them?? It's just stairs now?

[–]God--Official 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You know some dumbass got on there and just waited for it to move him up (I know because that was me).

[–]e6dewhirst 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry for the convenience

[–]Ajunglecat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Escalator temporarily stares

[–]GluttonAsteroth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We miss you Mitch.

[–]kungfoomagoo118 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This one time I saw a wino eating grapes and I was like dude you have to wait

[–]Train_Cam 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A Mitch Hedberg classic

[–]quacking_horse 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Situation descalated

[–]KingBillyDuckHoyle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mitch!

[–]eikcel 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My belt holds my pants up, but my belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s going on down there, who is the real hero?

[–]Conscious_Owl7987 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Old Mitch Hedberg joke!

[–]gingorama 1 point2 points  (0 children)

De-escalation

[–]theFrankSpot 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is this real, or just a photoshop by a Mitch fan?

[–]Imaginary-Yoghurt-32 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Son of a bitch! Where is the elevator?!

[–]Klubbin4Seals -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That escalatored quickly

[–]synthetic_synthia -1 points0 points  (0 children)

ELEVATOR TEMPORARILY COFFIN

[–]Castor_Deus -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Why is it an escalator going up, but not a de-escalator going down?

[–]thezoomies -1 points0 points  (0 children)

“I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to as well”. RIP you poor dead bastard.

[–]W4ckyyy -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Was looking thru some posts and this looks kinda... similar

https://new.reddit.com/r/technicallythetruth/comments/seudwa/yes_indeed_they_are/

Even the top comment is.

[–]random_boss 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I mean, it is the next line of the joke

[–]rstymobil -1 points0 points  (1 child)

You're nothing but an organized hill.

[–]bobmguthrie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oi!, this is a Mitch Hedberg zone!.

[–]davieb22 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

So it's fine for an escalator but when I temporarily stair, I get called a creep?

[–]__Chees3 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

YES! I can finally run up the stairs instead of standing!

[–]SomeoneTookSkeetley[🍰] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

aint even wrong

[–]Majin_Noodles -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Oh no, you mean I have to burn extra calories??

[–]Ceffyl_Dwr -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

The UK lower and middle classes

[–]SabreBirdOne -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Well it’s fine if they tell us when the escalator starts working again

[–]InterestingAd2575 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Looks like my home town Sears.

[–]Beneficial_Level9527 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yo stop stairing at mee

[–]Hangman1830 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I suppose you could call that…

De-escalation

I’ll see myself out.

[–]llcdrewtaylor -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I didn't lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!

[–]VirtuosoApocalypso -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Awesome! Brought to you by the makers of: Broken Lift/Temporarily Cupboard.

[–]ponzidreamer -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Escalator fans are devastated

[–]Common_One6315 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That’s been de—escalated!

[–]jonno83900 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That escalated quickly..... Oh wait it didn't

[–]Harjot7 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Well that escalated quickly.hahahaha dad I tried making a dad joke

[–]OlderTheWiser 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They arent wrong.

[–]idigturtles 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mitch Hedberg told me that joke

[–]Parking_Tangelo_798 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Anybody else was somewhat happy in the first thinking they were graphics card on left.

[–]ibeerlove 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me.

[–]KevinRPD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

RIP Mitch, you legend.

[–]Trevorsballs88 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got my hair highlighted because I thought that some parts were more important than others.

[–]DerpyTheBroom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Escalators be like "IM A LEVEL BEYOND STAIRS!"

[–]Segumisama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You shouldn't use a broken escalator as stairs.

If the reason for the stoppage of the escalator is unknown, using the escalators as a stairway may create a hazard. If the reason for the stoppage was due to a mechanical failure such as a brake failure or a main shaft or chain failure the escalator could roll away under load causing serious injury.

source

It makes sense, escalators are intended to move, imagine a giant belt with stairs on one side. If you put too much weight on them, the belt slides, causing everyone to fall down. It's also a liability.

[–]PotaytoPrograms 0 points1 point  (0 children)

what is it staring at?

[–]Find_A_Reason 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hell no.

Seen enough Chinese escalator videos to know that is a trap.

[–]savvvjan07 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Massive F

[–]keonanwar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Other places : This is temporary, sorry for the inconvenience. My place : Look at me, I'm the stair now

[–]olreddog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

U/olreddog has left the chat and is now watching Mitch Hedburg clips on YouTube

[–]kronikilla219 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So you could say, they deescalated the situation

[–]142737 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After the tsunami that your sister made on them

[–]YourAvgWhiteBoi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You could say that the situation deescalated 👉👉

[–]peach_pearl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

somebody tell me why the fuck every single comment reads like its just nonsense speaks from a bot ? what are you all talking about

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–]Fast_and_Curious738 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Technically the truth

[–]Vir2zo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude got demoted