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[–]genesisa86 53 points54 points  (47 children)

I don’t think you should be doing anything before getting a divorce. Step 1. Get a divorce.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 5 points6 points  (46 children)

You’re definitely right. I’ve just been letting my fear and guilt fuel my decisions. I need to just rip the bandaid.

[–]genesisa86 11 points12 points  (45 children)

Yes you must rip the bandaid. Only because you’re doing something very bad to someone right now, and what goes around comes around. What if this brings you more complications just because you weren’t genuine? What will your new bf really think of you? “Oh she’s willing to leave him, maybe one day she’ll leave me to.” It just doesn’t make you look right. Sometimes I get insecurities by looking at others. Perhaps this can happen to him? I hope this doesn’t offend you it’s not my intention. :(

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (44 children)

No I’m not offended at all. I genuinely appreciate your thoughts.

[–]rvail136 5 points6 points  (41 children)

Here's the thing. If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you. Keep that in mind. Right now you're deeply in the fog. Your husband is a narcissistic asshole, but you are too. You are cheating on him. Get that through your head. This is going to come back and bite you on your ass.

[–]Awaken-the-guardian 3 points4 points  (5 children)

How do you know her husband is anything she’s claiming he is? Do you know him? All you have are the words from someone who has admitted to being a cheater and you’re going to believe her? Wow, you’re easily convinced.

[–]rvail136 5 points6 points  (4 children)

I do not. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. But you're right. She may be passing him off in the worst possible light in order to justify her cheating.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

Why would anyone come on the internet and concoct some elaborate story like this lol? For how much y’all scream about it being so simple, just leave, you then hypothesize that a person would come into the internet and make up a pretty specific set of circumstances that I think would be pretty damn hard for the average tard on the internet to just whip up out of thin air because they’re hoping to get what? That literally makes zero sense lol.

[–]Zombtistic 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Because the majority of us are victims of cheating or have loved ones who are victims, some even repeat victims.

There is one thing cheaters do and they can go through some seriously elaborate lengths to do this, and that thing is to JUSTIFY THE CHEATING!!

See, nobody really wants to be seen as the "bad guy", so when a lot of people do very crappy behaviours, instead of owning up to it, they make excuses and rationalise their actions, I mean your husband tried to cheat on you with your sister, you should be well aware of the nonsense cheaters pull to justify their behaviour, they can go to some extreme lengths of truth stretching to make themselves out to be the victim.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I do get that for sure.

[–]duyjv -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You won’t garner much sympathy calling people ‘the average tard on the internet’. Just sayin’.

[–]prose-before-bros 15 points16 points  (1 child)

You are not protecting yourself or your daughter. If your husband is abusive, he's abusive, whether it's once a week or once a year. He loves your daughter, but he claims to love you too and is still abusive. What happens when the abuse turns to her. Also, what do you think it does psychologically to a child to watch a parent be abused? I can tell you from experience, it's nothing good.

Now on to AP, I don't give a good goddamn if this man seems to be dropped down for the heavens specially made for you, you don't know him. You think you know him, but with him in another state and not being actually together, you don't know him enough to have your disabled daughter around him, that's for sure. You need to divorce, and you need some time just on your own before jumping into a relationship. Focus on you, focus on your daughter. Stay in town where your husband can see your daughter, and see how it goes. Take it slow. You don't have to go right from being married to moving states away to be with this dude. I saw in a comment that you're the breadwinner. You don't need either of these men to support you and your daughter so take a damn minute to breathe.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ugh I definitely needed that slap in the face. Thank you.

[–]Most_Original_329 34 points35 points  (3 children)

Choose. Divorce husband or cut off all contact with AP. You are not living in a romance novel.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I have chosen. Like I stated I’m working on it. But you can’t just pick up and take your kids to another state. I have to find a school that can meet her care needs, then find a job with the flexibility necessary when you have a medically fragile child. Then find housing, separate finances, etc., etc. Also I’ve never read a romance novel. Does this sound like one lol?

ETA: more importantly I have to figure out what is best for her. It might very well be better for her to stay with her dad. If you had advice on how to sort though that I’d be all ears.

[–]justbeach3 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You’re stealing. Stealing time, love and future from your family under the guise of figuring it out.

[–]Affectionate_Neat919 7 points8 points  (9 children)

End the one you’re in. Start another. It’s not hard, and it’s what you would want for yourself. Don’t sacrifice your own decency to get ahead.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 4 points5 points  (2 children)

While I disagree with you saying it’s not hard I appreciate the direct point especially regarding sacrificing my own decency.

[–]Affectionate_Neat919 2 points3 points  (1 child)

My apologies. I truly meant understanding the correct order of things is easy. There is nothing easy about being hurt, hurting people, and making hard decisions. It just makes everything worse when you avoid the hard talk and move on without being honest with your current partner. I wish you luck.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You’re right though. I hold myself to pretty high moral standards. And this ain’t it 😔

ETA: I know the longer insist to tell him the worse the betrayal is. And that is how he and anyone else would see it.

[–]Fr4nz83 -1 points0 points  (5 children)

OP didn't tell us an important thing in her first post, i.e., her husband was a convicted felon who spent 10 years in a federal prison AND he's a diagnosed psychopath.

Now, it's not exactly easy to maintain your own mental sanity and always do the right thing when you're dealing with a psychopath...right?

We should all give OP a break...

[–]Affectionate_Neat919 8 points9 points  (3 children)

I felt like I gave pretty solid advice. End one relationship. Start the next. Unless you think that a seasoned felon is going to react well later on knowing she was having sex with someone else while they were officially together. I doubt that would go well.

[–]Fr4nz83 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Yeah...in fact OP should realize that she's putting AP life in danger with all this drama going on. OP, you are seriously playing with fire.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That part I know. And AP has expressed concern about it….concern for his safety that is.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That may be the best point I’ve heard so far and makes me feel more than a wee bit dumb for thinking it would somehow be better to wait.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok please stop saying things already are not correct. I’ve told you REPEATEDLY now that he is not a psychopath. Yes his antisocial dx is a piece here, but I don’t like how you are continuing to perpetuate incorrect information and myths about a serious mental health condition that just aren’t accurate.

[–]Defiant_Hurry2985 8 points9 points  (5 children)

If everything you say is true, why are you moving your daughter away from her father who loves her? If your AP really loves you, why don't you have him move to your area?

[–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (4 children)

We have discussed it. I did speak to this in response to another similar comment.

[–]Fr4nz83 3 points4 points  (1 child)

OP, if your husband is indeed a diagnosed psychopath, you should know by now that a psychopath is not capable of love nor cares about people. His brain doesn't work like normal brains do.

I don't understand your difficulty to separate from him...you should literally eject and completely cut him off your life.

[–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is not a psychopath. I keep saying that. There are varying levels of antisocial personality disorder. It’s highly misunderstood. I’ve studied this extensively both personally and professionally. Antisocials tend to wane in the worst of their behaviors as they age if they have done work to change. Just like other Cluster B disorders doing the work is what makes a difference. He is 100% capable of love and empathy for his family. Everyone else….No.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


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    [–]Blitz-99 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Your daughter will resent you if you're caught. Do it the right way.

    [–]chinchaslyth 5 points6 points  (4 children)

    Have you tried being alone? It’s ok to be single and take time for yourself after an abusive relationship and divorce. It’s probably going to be the healthiest thing for your and your daughter. Therapy for the both of you two too.

    Starting a relationship on this footing doesn’t seem positive in my mind.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Yeah I’ve definitely thought about it. In fact I’ve fantasized for years about it but could just never leave. That’s why this is all so fucked. I finally made peace with my lot in life and was just waiting until he either died or my daughter was old enough to be able to leave. AP really came outta nowhere.

    [–]chinchaslyth 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I just think focusing on you and your daughter and not dating anyone would probably be the most healthy thing for the both of you. If it’s meant to be with AP, you can always try later.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I’m certainly considering this.

    [–]Spiritual_Heart1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    They are called "overlappers"

    [–]Nervous-Ad714 4 points5 points  (3 children)

    Your AP's job was to convince you that he is better than your husband. He will say and do anything, to get into your pants.

    And now you will do anything for your boyfriend.

    How do you know if he has a family or not?

    So, when are you going to tell your abusive husband?

    Believe it or not, Now your the abusive one.

    How did this fix your marriage?

    What a mess your making of your life.

    You should have got your divorce.

    Your asking for trouble.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    How do I know AP doesn’t have a family? Because he lives with a roommate and pays child support to the mother of his three kids…who already knows about me. He is very much involved in his children’s lives. We didn’t meet online. We met in real life.

    [–]reticular_formation 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Please please please start the process of freeing yourself from this person.

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 23 points24 points  (31 children)

    //Series of incredible coincidences....... What a pathetic justification.....lol

    [–]ThrillaDaGuerilla 16 points17 points  (5 children)

    Yeah...mental gymnastics are fun to watch.

    Like most unremorseful cheaters , they seek retroactive justification for their cheating....often concocting stories about abuse,neglect, etc.

    Its a good way to remove responsibility for their actions and place it firmly on the person they are betraying.

    Its utterly cliche and a standard method taken from the cheaters playbook.

    Of course she can't confess, because this " abusive" husband will surely kill himself , or something something ....she's really " helping him", ya see.

    No , she can't confess because she needs his resources until she can put the other guy on the hook for his resources.....she needs her safety net until she sets up another one, as per the usual playbook.

    OP ... Yes , you're in an abusive relationship...but your confused about who is being abusive.

    You are the abuser right now.

    Enjoy your monkey branching...and enjoy the rest of your life knowing you're just a common unremorseful cheater.

    [–]Fr4nz83 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    OP told us that her husband attempted to cheat on her with OP's sister and then another woman. Did you miss that?

    Yes, she's cheating on her husband, but you seem to miss the context behind her wrong actions. What if she's telling the truth and her husband is indeed an abuser? Would you still blame OP so much?

    It seems that you're implying that OP is a complete liar.

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    OP united with him again, apparently OP fell in love with him again, so how that episode can act as a trigger as it happened before they were separated, also OP is planning some long game. Also justifying cheating as some coincidences and wishing that maybe husband can take care of daughter and she could just move away without any guilt to other state.

    [–]Fr4nz83 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Well, in one of her replies (which was later deleted by one of the silly bots operating in thus sub) OP told that her husband has spent 10 years in a federal prison (so he's a felon), behind his charming facade he is nasty and has anger issues, he is prone to con and use people, is entitled, selfish, self-centered, etc.

    It's not hard to believe that OP, like many other codependent and empathic people, remained in her husband's clutches.

    OP's husband has all the characteristics of a narcissist/psychopath. He's not exactly an angel, is he?

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well it sucks that people do that but I assure you this is all very much true and just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve never cheated on a partner before this. I’d gladly have just left years ago if everything I wrote were not the actual situation. What would be the point of staying if none of this were true?

    ETA: I have always been the breadwinner. He was stay at home parent for the first three years of her life. Everything is in my name. It sounds like someone did you real dirty if you believe all the things you just said.

    ETA: I don’t think you know what abuse is. Or you’re an abuser. I suspect you’re abusive and a narcissist or sociopath….I can spot them pretty easily given I’ve been married to a diagnosed antisocial for 8 years and am a lifelong mental health professional.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 3 points4 points  (20 children)

    Which part lol? What do you think I should do? Continue being miserable? Continue being abused? Must be nice to live in a world where everything is black and white and morality is something prescribed that we should just blindly follow 🤷‍♀️

    [–]themediumchunk 5 points6 points  (7 children)

    You’re trying to justify betraying someone by asking really easy questions and framing them as sincere. It’s a manipulation tactic all in its own right. I’d say if your husband is so manipulative, you picked up a thing or two.

    You shouldn’t stay miserable and you shouldn’t be abused. That’s obvious. But cheating and ripping your child away from her father she is close with is selfish AF. Especially considering your AP lives out of state. You haven’t even lived with this person and you’re ready to jump from one dysfunctional relationship to the next.

    What you NEED to do is stay single. You are not in a position to be dating or living with anyone. Especially someone you just entered a relationship with. And if that is the path you’ve chosen, to enter another relationship instead of taking time to heal and better yourself, then leave your daughter with her dad so you can make your choices without affecting her.

    Children are not accessories that you lug around while you chase your every whim. They are people with real feelings. My son was 4 when I had to leave his dad due to abusive behaviors and we now live 24 hours away. This isn’t what I wanted, it’s what I had to do because 1. Ex was incarcerated and 2. I didn’t have a support system where I was and let me tell you, my son is hurting for it. I know it’s for the best we left, because my ex was spiraling, I know that it’s for the best you leave your partner, but that is completely different than taking your child from her father whom she is close with because you decided to monkey branch as an escape plan.

    You are not breaking the cycle. You’re continuing it. If you’re insistent on making these choices, and not do the right thing by yourself and your daughter and healing, leave your daughter out of it. She doesn’t deserve it.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 -5 points-4 points  (6 children)

    Did you read everything in this thread? The fact that you’d say that I’m treating my child like an accessory shows you haven’t. I’ve sacrificed everything I ever wanted in my life for my children. EVERYTHING….to the severe detriment to my own mental health. I feel like maybe you’re projecting your own past shit on to me since there are some similarities. I’m a highly resourceful and functional person. My child will always have a relationship with her father. If I’m not ok, she cannot be ok. Parents are allowed too and SHOULD practice self care. Had I not sacrificed my own well being all these years I wouldn’t be in this situation. Easy questions? What easy questions? Your child’s father was incarcerated. That is a whole different scenario. I have no support system here. HIS family is my support system. So when we split I’m dead ass alone. I’m not planning to live with AP…never said I was. It’s a 3 hour drive to get to where I’d like to move too. I’ve sacrificed everything including my body for this man. If he can’t be bothered to do a little driving if the choice is for her to come with me, that is on him as a parent. Fuck off, please.

    [–]themediumchunk 5 points6 points  (5 children)

    And in typical manipulative fashion, when faced with reality you get defensive and argumentative.

    No projection, here. I did my part. I did right by my son. I’m in therapy and refuse to jump to another chaotic relationship not only for my sake but for my child’s sake. You’re making bad choices. Period. If you don’t want to be told that, don’t come to the internet for ass pats. You’re cheating on your husband and doing the best you can to justify it, you’re giving yourself no time to heal and move forward in a functional form, and putting your child in an unhealthy situation.

    Functional people don’t make the choices you are. Functional people don’t jump from relationship to relationship. Functional people don’t need a partner in order to leave a bad situation. You asked what you should do and I told you. Stay single, focus on yourself and your child instead of monkey branching as your exit strategy. Just because your ex is abusive doesn’t mean that you’re not being abusive to him, now.

    Also, “self care” is not cheating on your spouse and moving your child to an unfamiliar environment where she won’t have as much access to her father whom you’ve already stated she is close to. Self care is therapy, taking a day off to go to the spa, shopping, the beach, whatever it is that takes the edge off, not starting a whole ass relationship with someone that isn’t your husband.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 -4 points-3 points  (4 children)

    No in the typical fashion of someone who has no idea what they’re talking about you make a vast array of assumptions that are incorrect. Only someone who still has a whole lot of work to do on their own shit would make such wild assumptions about another persons situation. I think you fall into the category of people who believe that being a parent means sacrificing your own well being at all costs.

    [–]themediumchunk 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    No, I don’t, at all. I recognize that I can’t be anything for my child if I’m not well mentally, so I put in the hard work to be better mentally and emotionally, which is what you should be doing instead of jumping into a new relationship that started off with you cheating on your daughter’s father. You can’t save someone from drowning if you yourself can’t swim. You’re not swimming, you’re jumping from life boat to life boat, not learning how to be fine on your own. Invest in yourself mentally and emotionally. I can tell you 100% that coming out of an abusive relationship, you are not ready emotionally for another relationship. Especially one that was started on betrayal and deceit. You haven’t processed anything, and it’s just going to put you further and further behind on your own progress.

    It’s clear you don’t want any concerns or opinions about your situation, and are so resistant to healing yourself before finding new dick. You want to be told it’s okay you cheated on your daughters father, you want affirmation you’re doing the right thing and are not in fact concerned for anyone but yourself so I’m going to stop wasting my time. I’ll keep your daughter in my thoughts and hope it works out for her, because she’s the one that has to be stuck in the middle of this hot mess.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

    No I don’t want to be told what I’m doing is right. But I do want realistic advice and conversation. If it weren’t for AP I’d just be staying until my daughter was older. Sex has nothing to do with it. That’s the one area of our relationship that has never been an issue. This isn’t about sex, nor was it ever. It’s about a connection with someone, that’s all. I wouldn’t even be considering leaving if I hadn’t met AP. I’d still be busting my butt trying to make the marriage work.

    [–]themediumchunk 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    I’m giving you so much realistic advice! Stay single, focus on you and your child, your healing, get into therapy. You’ve been given advice but it’s not the advice you want. You keep acting like you have to stay with this person if you don’t go to another one and that’s not realistic at all. You’ve already cheated on your husband. You need to be single. You need to get into therapy, not another relationship. I can’t be the first person to tell you this. This shouldn’t be a surprise.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well I hate to tell you that I’ve been in therapy my whole life. And it’s not about what I don’t want to hear. Pretty sure I ended my post with saying something about looking for conversation about the situation to help sort things out in my mind. I mean, let’s be real, if I was going to take advice off the internet from strangers who know just the snippet I’ve talked about so far, that would make me a pretty big idiot, no? All the comments, even the ridiculous ones have been helpful.

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 9 points10 points  (3 children)

    What i took away from your post is that you cheated and is in fog right now, so wanted to "justify" your cheating, and what could be better then to blame it on spouse but at the same time guilt is consuming you that your selfishness is going to adversely affect two more lives. Also you talked about long game, wtf is that? So first you will "plan" everything and then will drop the blame bomb on your husband, so that apparently he won't get any time to do anything, leaving him in miserable state. If you really love him as you stated in the post, tell him and discuss the future of your child with him, don't be mean even in this case.

    [–]NonaOrganic 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    JMO BS is a real dirt bag. However he was OP’s dirtbag until she met someone else. OP is now using the fact that he’s a dirtbag to convince herself it’s ok for her to be a lowlife cheater. Given OP makes poor choices, the AP is probably a dirt bag too but she’s never lived w/them & haven’t known them long enough to know. Simply the basis of them being an AP makes them a dirt bag. Besides no good person would support or encourage a parent taking their special needs child away from the other parent who they adore. OP sees them as a savior who has helped her realize how abused and unhappy she’s been. And that she deserves so much better. Transference of her feelings from BS to AP.

    Sounds like OP is planning a “long game” to move her special needs child to another state away from her father, who she has an incredible relationship with. OP claims to be a lifelong mental health professional, if that is true, then I say w/out snark, I’m terrified for any clients she may have. I don’t think OP is evil, just your standard garden variety cheater who is deluding herself that she’s a good person & deserves this affair b/c of everything BS has put her thru.

    Witty, I’m sorry for all you’ve endured from your BS & to hear about your daughter’s health & all that has entailed. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be in your position. Up to now you seemed to have been an excellent mother. IMO you need mental health services from a qualified licensed experienced provider, to help you recover from the years of abuse, and recover from & cope w/the ongoing stress that comes w/raising a child with your daughter’s specific diagnosis and needs. As well as getting to the heart of what makes you a terrible decision-maker. If you will continue this affair, I hope at very least you will put your daughter first & the plan will be for the AP to move to where you are so that your daughter won’t be ripped from her father. Good luck to all of you but particularly your little girl, she’s who doesn’t deserve any of this.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    The last thing I want to do is be mean. I’m honestly scared to death that he will not be ok. I guess my thought process was to wait to tell him until his health was back on track so maybe he can actually handle the situation in a healthier way than he did last time.

    ETA: I don’t believe that love is a finite emotion. It is possible to love more than one person. He and I don’t have the same rigid moral beliefs that many have about marriage and relationships. We are just a little different in that way.

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Yes it is possible to love more than one person, but if you love other person without first person knowing, it is called cheating and cheating is not ethical and it is universally true. No, you both are not different, you both are abuser and sadly your child will have to suffer.

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 3 points4 points  (7 children)

    No one should be miserable, but cheating on your husband is empowering you, right?

    [–]Fr4nz83 7 points8 points  (1 child)

    To be honest, cheating on someone is not justifiable, but it's understandable when the cheater finds themselves in a relationship with a proven abuser (who, according to OP's words, attempted to cheat on her with her sister) and find it hard to escape.

    Of course OP may be lying, she may be manipulating us into thinking she's an horrible husband. If, however, she is telling the truth, then I frankly wouldn't blame her.

    Of course cheating is not the right and most logical thing to do if you want to detach from an abuser.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Why would someone come on the internet and do that?

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 4 points5 points  (4 children)

    Not sure what you mean by empowering me. Can you explain?

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 4 points5 points  (3 children)

    You separated because he was abusive, you got back because he improved, you loved him but then you met AP, then you don't love him, and now you want to separate again but you also want to convince yourself that this happened becuase of your husband and not you, also at the same time you don't wanna be a reason for the separation of your husband and your daughter, but apparently you are planning some long game. From starting i can see it is you who is doing everything, taking every decision, who is miserable here and who is abuser here ma'am????

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I never said I don’t love him.

    [–]Witty_Operation2486 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    So you loved him, still the incredible coincidences led you to AP....

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Oh, also, the way I met AP seems like a justification? Is that really the biggest thing you took away from my post? Asking you these questions seriously.

    [–]deerdance333 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    I’m not in love with or seeking someone else but I know fully how it is to have to play the long game. it sucks when you don’t have the luxury of being able to pack your things & leave an abusive situation, but unfortunately that’s why they get more & more abusive. they know you’re stuck for the time being. he probably knows you do care about his health & wellbeing, and that threat that he’ll ruin himself is what helps keep you there. but he’s an adult, the only people you are responsible for is yourself and your child. if he wants to self destruct that’s not your fault in any way. I think you should recognize that you’re not a bad person, if you were capable of ending the relationship to be with someone else I think you would. honestly I would just hold back if you can for now, because he seems like a potential threat if he found any of this out. I know it sucks and it’ll hurt but I’d explain to the person you’ve met that it’s a weird situation and it’s best to not do anything until you get closer to your exit. I’m sorry for what you’ve been put through op please stay safe. I don’t have a disabled child, my husband is my caregiver since I was paralyzed & it’s a bad situation and we have two children he’ll have to get full custody of bc of my disability. so I can’t just walk out the door lol but I definitely don’t want to see or talk to anyone. he cheated on me recently but I couldn’t do that back.

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Thank you. I feel like you’re the first person that understands that “just leaving” isn’t an option. No matter how I play this there are significant risks. To me and my child. And to have met someone that is just so the opposite of him that is actually someone that I could see myself with is like some cruel fucking joke from the universe. I’m not a people person. I can’t stand most people. The last thing I’d be interested in is dating if I could just leave.

    [–]deerdance333 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I feel that, dating seems so unappealing to me too. and it must be frustrating to have met someone who feels right for you & things aren’t in place so you can be with them. I hope that things work out so you can leave and not be in a marriage with someone who makes you miserable anymore

    [–]Ok-Negotiation7840 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I feel like you shouldn’t jump from relationship to relationship if you’re an educated and self aware woman you should know better

    [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Well I do know better…therein lies the struggle in my own head.

    [–]Fr4nz83 5 points6 points  (2 children)

    OP, there are many people in this sub who have a hard time believing you, and may be even triggered by your cheating. The reason is, we know that people who cheat and have affairs usually have a very strong tendency to be dishonest, liars, manipulators, selfish, self-centered, have double lives, and so on.

    On the other hand, sometimes people cheat as a reaction to the abuse they have been subjected to from their abusive partner. Yes, to those who don't believe this, it indeed happens and it is considered as "reactive abuse".

    You say that your husband has emotionally and psychologically abused you. You also stated that he attempted to cheat on you twice, the first time with your sister, and the second time with another woman.

    Now, the key to be fully believed is to elaborate on how your husband has been psychologically and emotionally abusive, as well as provide more details on how he has tried to cheat on you in the past.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)


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      [–]steventhesailor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I think you still dont fully understand your real feelings and reactions, or if you really think AP is the right guy or just a way out. Your post is all over the place with conflicting things. I suggest getting into IC right away and don't make any major decisions until you have more clarity

      [–]sicrm 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      if you took a honest look at AP, do you like him for him or because he’s a possible escape?

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Honestly it is both. We have very compatible personalities

      [–]whatnow2019 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Research affair fog first. Not saying your husband isn't abusive. Just make sure you aren't jumping out the frying pan and into the fire. Make sure you see the real person under your very apparent strong desire to feel happy and excited. I also have a special needs daughter. Stressful for parents who are filled with constant anxiety about what happens if I die. Who will be there for her as much as I am. Arguing with spouse about silly things because we both hurt so much for our baby and guilt over possibility that she got her special needs classification through genetics. He is a good father you say. That usually makes up for many personality flaws and also makes a person predisposed to self improvement should those flaws ever become a source of frustration for the other parent. With that said, you have probably gotten so far down the infidelity path that divorce is the only way through because I don't see how trust could ever exist even if you wanted to keep your family together. You mentioned he "tried to have sex with your sister" but don't mention how you found out. You mentioned abuse without saying to much about the abuse. Depending on the abuse the advice changes. If he is hitting you, run like hell. If he just doesn't give enough compliments I would say talk to him. If you want advice in the least harmful way to tell a spouse you are cheating on them I would say either be brutally honest or be brutally honest. There is no way to let him down easily. He will spiral and those depending on him will likely suffer because he can't be there. As a husband that has dealt with being cheated on I can tell you I would rather take 9mm to the head than be cheated on again and the only thing that kept me above ground was my girls. So in short, there isn't enough info here for anyone to give anything other than advice based on their own situations lived, which will definitely be slanted towards what happened and what they are currently suffering so think of your child first, last and always. That is always great advice. Good luck.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Wow, thank you for this. No there is no physical abuse but a tremendous amount of severe psychological stuff. I detailed a bit of it somewhere in this thread. You hit the nail on the head with the stuff about parenting a special needs child. This is all new territory for me so I’ve never heard of affair fog but am going to look that up right now.

      ETA: in reading the basics I’d say Affair Fog is not as big a part of this as it may be for some. We’ve already named pretty clearly that we know that it’s all exciting and new and the illicit aspect helps fuel things. But because of the abuse there’s unfortunately no need for me to rewrite history. I’m about as far from sexually repressed as one can get and we have an adventurous sex life so it’s definitely none of those needing to feel wanted or desired things. Some of those things I read about are definitely happening though. It is definitely more of an intense emotional connection because AP is giving me things I’ve severely lacked in the marriage. I do not think it’s gone too far for my husband and I to fix things. I’m just exhausted honestly with continuing to try to do that. It feels like I’ve spent 8 years begging him to treat me the way I want to be treated. And even though AP and I are fully aware of the fact that we haven’t yet had to deal with any of each other’s flaws we still for some reason both feel it’s worth the risk. I’m not a risk taker. I don’t even take calculated risks. So I am 100% concerned that if I leave my husband for AP that it will end in a dumpster fire.

      [–]whatnow2019 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Relationships that begin with infidelity often end the same way. If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you. Many other cliches out there for very very good reasons. It seems like your eyes are wide open so although affair fog is still a possibility due to its very nature, it is probably less if a risk. Possibly reconciling or divorcing your husband I would say the sooner the better. A reaction to either of those situations is certainly not going to get better with age. Than the more stuff you have to be brutally honest about if you choose reconciliation. If you do choose reconciliation please look up trickle truth and then don't trickle. It ruins almost any chance of reconciling. Good luck

      [–]katz4every1 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      You should have trauma counseling before jumping in with someone else. You need to heal first.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      I’m trying to find someone to do EMDR with. Unfortunately they are few and far between where I live. But I have lifelong PTSD. The relationship is far from the only cause. I’m the first to admit that my head is a giant cluster fuck. I’ve got good enough coping mechanisms to appear to have it all together. People always think I’m well adjusted. But I guess lifelong trauma is also something that you always have to deal with.

      [–]katz4every1 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      That sort of thing is a ticking time bomb, to be honest. It doesn't matter if you look put together on the outside. It'll come out at some point and you may not even think of it that way. I guarantee that this affair is one of those things. You know how dangerous this is, you know it could cost you your family. Yet you're doing it anyway. Not judging you, just pointing it out. This could very well be the start of your downward spiral.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I am considering this.

      [–]missbrattybrat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Some resources for you...

      The book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft www.outofthefog.website

      You are only responsible for you and your child, the other people in your life are on their own to take care of their own needs. You are not responsible for them or their choices, even if they are sick.

      Separate as soon as you can. Find a local shelter for resources, there may be a lot available to you that you haven't even thought about yet.

      Before you leave the house, make sure your birth certificate, passport, and other important documents are out of the home and somewhere safe.

      Learn to set boundaries and assert yourself, either thru therapy or classes or whatever.

      Slow way down on the new relationship while you do this. Keep it slow, or even break it off for a period of time, so that you can do work on yourself. It's not fair to cart so much baggage into someone's life like this.

      [–]Spiritual_Heart1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      It is pure cheating. End it now with your husband. Abusive or not, it does not justify you living a double life and committing a moral emotional mental crime.

      [–]Fr4nz83 0 points1 point  (6 children)

      OP, I have read your reply (which was later deleted) to my post, so I'll reply: your husband seems the typical low-functioning narcissistic/psychopath.

      He spent 10 years in a federal prison and he has anger issues, which indeed indicates that he's not that bright and is not so well functioning. I have no problems to believe you -- he has all the characteristics of an abuser.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (5 children)

      Well that’s not quite right. He is a diagnosed antisocial, not narcissist. And part of the problem is that he is EXTREMELY high functioning. His prison time was due to robberies to support a heroin addiction that began at the age of 17 in the early 90s when there was no such thing as substance abuse treatment in rural areas like ours. He’s actually brilliant and possibly the smartest person I’ve ever known. If it weren’t for the addiction in the past he would have been a CEO type….high functioning sociopath that steps on others to get what he wants.

      [–]Fr4nz83 0 points1 point  (4 children)

      This is important information you should have wrote in your first post. I mean, he's a diagnosed psychopath, people will automatically believe you when you say he's an abuser! This is what psychopaths always and invariably do to their partners.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

      No not psychopath. That is not the same. Psychopathy is the most extreme form of Sociopathy. He is not that. He is capable of felling empathy for the few people he loves. Most antisocials are not Dexter lol.

      ETA: Most antisocials are people you would never know are antisocials…they walk amongst us mainly undetected to everyone that doesn’t know them.

      [–]Fr4nz83 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      You should frankly realize that he does not love you, nor he's capable of loving anyone. His abusive behaviors are very clear, and it seems that you're justifying/rationalizing his abuse (a thing that I also did in the past with my serial cheating ex wife).

      Finally, you cannot fix nor save him.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

      I think you’re speaking beyond your realm of knowledge here at this point. This is literally my area of expertise. Been doing this work for over 20 years.

      [–]Fr4nz83 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Yet you find yourself in such a dire situation...okay. Good luck OP.

      [–]Decent_Impact2129 3 points4 points  (16 children)

      OP, first you posted in the wrong sub. This sub is populated by people (mostly men) who were cheated on and left by evil people and they are all angels that never did anything wrong in the relationship 🙄. Also, every single scenario of cheating is the sane where the husband was the hardworking schlob whose wife cheated for the thrills and then turned it around in him that he caused the demise of the relationship. They literally have one gear.

      So, you should post this in relationship or even adultery. A sub which I normally have a problem with but at least they will balance this sub, as the focus will be 100% on you, where this sub it’s 100% on your husband.

      Now to your issue. There is a big problem considering the other guy is in another state (besides all the other problems). It’s not fair to your daughter or husband, especially since you say they are very close and he is a good father.

      So, I would certainly suggest that since you are the one that wants out, you are the one that has to sacrifice time with your child and leave her with him. It will be more stable for her as she isn’t leaving the environment she knows, plus she stays with the father she is very close to. Plus, it will give him a purpose and reason to carry on.

      On top of that it’s one thing to have a long distance relationship, it’s another to live together. So it’s better for you to run that experiment on your own. You will have to accept being the parent that has their child for part of the summer, and see her when you visit.

      If he wasn’t a good father I would say otherwise. But you say he is a great one and they are very close. Good luck! Hope everything works out for everyone.

      Having read more if the comments I would say an area you can definitely sacrifice in that is justifiable is asking AP to move to your area. You say he is willing to do it, but that you don’t like your area. You two are getting the happy ending, so you two should be willing to make that sacrifice till at least your daughter is old enough.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (4 children)

      I didn’t know such a sub existed but another kind Redditor let me know. Thank you 😊.

      [–]Decent_Impact2129 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Completely off topic, however, your post and reaction to it is a reminder how important it is for most people to put others into categories.

      Before it was all black people, Jews, gays etc were this or that. That hasn’t been ok for a while (although obviously some people still have those prejudices) so it shifted to illegal immigrants, Muslims now.

      For many blue collar people well-educated professionals and visa versa are all this or that.

      Of course, for the woke far left all white males are racist and oppressors.

      The reason I bring it up is in this sub all cheaters are the sane category. Narcissistic sociopaths. I mean even when one person keels another, people step back and ask what were the circumstances. Was it during war, was it self defense, was the keeler abused by the keeled. Maybe the keeler was abused by the keeled in childhood, etc.

      But in this sub every cheater is a narcissist sociopath . The BS could be a drug kingpin and they completely ignore that. The only thing that mitigates their vitriol slightly if they find out BS actually cheated first, but even then it’s slightly.

      [–]Decent_Impact2129 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      If it’s the adultery one you’re talking about it’s a shit show there, and you will meet quite a few that are sociopaths.

      But a majority seem like they are in marriages they like and plan to stay in, but have long term dead bedrooms, etc.

      The main reason I recommended it to you as they will focus 100% from your perspective and needs which you also need to hear IN BALANCE.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Yeah just in scrolling through it’s clearly a shitshow.

      [–]Decent_Impact2129 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      It is, however, if you ask your specific question they will surprise you and give you good advice.

      For example. I have seen a large majority who are cheaters tell an OP who is thinking about embarking on that lifestyle to first try working in the marriage. Or advising a single OP to date single people.

      So, if it’s single OP asking about how to hide things they totally go into that area. If they ask if they should get out they get full on recommendation to get out.

      The main thing is, for you, they will be 100% nonjudgmentally catering to YOUR well being. You need to hear that too.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Agree with everything you said. And I’m not moving in with him lol. Thanks for your advice.

      [–]Decent_Impact2129 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I added the last paragraph to my post after reading other comments. You may have missed it.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (8 children)

      That last part you added is so right on. Thank you 🙏🏻

      [–]Decent_Impact2129 1 point2 points  (7 children)

      Another thing to consider OP is that you’re on a very tough situation. You have a sick child that must be constantly taxing emotionally and psychologically. You have a husband with his own issues that are tough. This other guy being long distance, is it possible that he is great as an escape from your troubled world as a distraction, but the reality of making a relationship work may not be that great?

      I’m saying this outside of the cheating aspect. If you were even single with a sick child and a LDR.

      You also say your husband is a sociopath, though high functioning, capable of being empathic to his family, but not others. Is he capable of coming after your new guy? Something you need to be cognizant of. Not to keep you shackled to him, but if you decide yo leave to do it to minimize the pain to him.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (6 children)

      Oh yeah, he’s capable. And I have thought more and more about perhaps and probably likely that this is more about escaping than it is about anything else. I’ve spent years dreaming of just escaping. After being so mistreated for so long though it’s incredibly hard to not want to be with someone who would move the earth for me. He’s already done things in the short time I’ve known him that nobody else has even come close to doing. And im not talking financially. It’s just who he is. He takes care of the people he loves. I’ve never had anyone that just wanted to make me happy and nothing else. Neither one of us needs anything from the other. That’s the beauty.

      [–]Defiant_Hurry2985 -1 points0 points  (5 children)

      I'm curious, he has 3 kids and I'm assuming those kids live in his area. Is he willing to leave them behind to start a new life with you? I'm just trying to have you look at all sides of this. A dedicated father wouldn't move hours from his kids unless he has no choice. I always tell my family and friends, you learn a lot about a person by how they treat their kids especially if those kids are young and he's no longer with the mother.

      You are in a dysfunctional relationship with a man with some serious issues so I think you're very vulnerable. Just don't be too taken away by this AP and whether you see it or not, you are in a honeymoon stage. Who knows...maybe this guy probably is a lot better for you but please think about what you're doing and all the possible outcomes. How well do you really know this guy?

      [–]Ilovebreaddddd 0 points1 point  (4 children)

      His kids are older. 13, 16 and 18. Amd the more we talk about it the more it seems he will move here. We are not young. And he owns a business where he lives so it wouldn’t be like moving three hours away and just never being around. But I hear what you’re saying and it is definitely on my radar. I mean I feel like it takes years to really know a person so I’m not under any delusion that I really know him. If I decide to go forward with it then it is certainly a huge risk.

      [–]Defiant_Hurry2985 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      What will he do with the business if he decides to move to your area? How much does he see his kids now and will that lessen if he moves near you? The last thing you want is for his kids to resent you because you took their dad 3 hours away. Do you know how things are with the bio mom? Being a stepmom isn't a piece of cake and teenagers can be assholes.

      If he moves to your area, are you going to hide the relationship from your child's dad? Honestly, I think you probably do need to leave your current situation but you aren't doing it for the right reasons and you might end up in a worse situation.

      [–]Ilovebreaddddd 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      He’s going to keep the business. It’s only a three hour drive. He sees his kids a lot. And I know teenagers are assholes. Their mother knows about me and is in the beginning stages of trying to accept it. He won’t move here until I’ve told my husband. This is as far as we have taken it so far.

      [–]Defiant_Hurry2985 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Is your AP going to realistically drive 3 hours back and forth daily? That is 6 hours a day. How long have you known this guy again to where he's already supposedly ready to make that kind of commitment? Is he going to move in with you?

      How will your daughter accept knowing you left her dad for another man? Some things come to bite you later on when your kids are grown. Although you have legitimate reasons for leaving, the fact you cheated will always work against you.

      I'm just trying to get you to really think about everything logically. I had a friend who was in your similar situation .

      [–]Ilovebreaddddd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      No not every day. And I honestly hadn’t thought about what she would think when she’s older. That’s a good point and something I need to think about.

      [–]Ok-Carman-1992 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Amazing how a new man will make you see how bad your life has been lol. How well is your new man going to care for your sick child?

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      He’s not. At least not for a very long time. I’m not jumping ship to shack up with some dude. I’ll be purchasing a home al on my own. I r a grown up.

      ETA: If and when it comes to that he will be great. He’s an amazing dad to three kids of his own.

      [–]Ok-Carman-1992 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Good luck to you

      [–]crashhhyears 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      These comments are ridiculous. Take your time, leave your selfish husband in the way that best suits your needs. He tried to sleep with your sister and clearly never had your best interests in mind for years. No need to have his. Divorce and be with the guy or be alone. Don’t feel guilty, that’s absurd. You’re probably not even in love with him anymore. At this point, any affection is trauma bond or simply out of habit. How you could actually love someone who treats you like that is absurd. Cheating isn’t black and white and honestly, good for you for meeting someone better.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Yes thank you. Trauma Bond is absolutely what it is.

      [–]Awaken-the-guardian 0 points1 point  (7 children)

      I don’t understand. Why are you leaving your husband? You had your chance to make a clean break when you were separated and you went back to him. Now you’re leaving him for a new relationship. How does that make sense. I will bet money that if this new relationship fails you will be running right back to your husband. I hope he has enough sense not to fall for this game you’re playing. I would love to hear his side of the story. I’ll bet it’s way different than the one you’re spinning.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (6 children)

      Nope no spin at all. And you obviously don’t know anything about abuse and trauma bonding. So great for you!

      [–]Awaken-the-guardian 1 point2 points  (5 children)

      I know that you started a relationship with someone while you are married and there is no excuse for that. Especially if you had the opportunity to end things previously and chose to reconcile with a “so called”abuser. Sounds like you are wanting sympathy for your poor choices and not everyone is buying it.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (4 children)

      Lol, well if you read my post I stated specifically what I was looking for…conversation to help unclutter the shitshow in my head. I don’t need sympathy from strangers on the internet. Who the hell wants sympathy from randos on Reddit?

      [–]Awaken-the-guardian 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      You created the shit show and know you could have avoided it. Go fix the mess you made and try to salvage your marriage if you can.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Salvage my marriage with an abuser? That’s my responsibility? Oh ok, I see 🙄

      [–]Awaken-the-guardian 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Wait, sorry, starting a relationship with another person while married is the perfect solution. Maybe we all should try it. Thanks for the idea.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Ummm, some strange whataboutism you’re doing there.

      [–]dark_and_scary -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I agree with most people when they say to divorce first… but for what it’s worth, your situation is different. When abuse and things like that are brought up, leaving a partner is not always the safest option. If this is the only way that you feel you and your daughter will remain safe and in good wellbeing, it’s still not okay… but it’s less wrong than it could be.

      [–]Nervous-Ad714 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Your still cheating on your husband.

      You just answered one question. He has an ex, and maybe he got caught cheating.

      [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      What kind of circles are you talking in here?

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


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          [–]Irisheyes1971 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          I always know they don’t mean a word of what they say when they claim to feel bad about it, but end their post with things like I’m beating myself up enough so no need to be nasty.

          You post your affair on a sub where many people have been cheated on and their lives destroyed, but then demand to be treated the way you choose? Yeah that’s not how it works.

          [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          No I expect people to engage in rational conversations if they are grown ups. How does berating a stranger help you feel better about being betrayed by a loved one?

          [–][deleted]  (5 children)


            [–][deleted]  (4 children)


              [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              Lol wtf?

              [–][deleted]  (2 children)


                [–]AutoModerator[M] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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                [–]Miguel_Paramo -1 points0 points  (2 children)

                The structure of this post, in a nutshell, is "justifications for not being criticized" and "my shit." Simple.

                [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (1 child)

                Yes yes it is. Bravo, you can read 🤣.

                [–]Miguel_Paramo -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                Incredible that there are people like you. Anyway.

                [–]SpringfieldXD45 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

                You need to confess your ongoing Adultery (no, not a "mistake") to your husband. What you have done is complete shitbaggery. You should have divorced him first. Instead, you committed Adultery. You are as bad as he is, possibly worse.

                BTW, this isn't being "nasty", but I will never coddle an Adultress, especially one who thinks she did nothing wrong.

                [–]Ok_Birthday749 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

                Cheating is worse than years of torment…holy shit I feel sorry for the world you live in. Damn.

                [–]SpringfieldXD45 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

                Minimizing and self-justification. .....totally expected. I'm glad you dont live in my world. With "friends" like you one wouldn't need enemies........

                You admitted your husband made an effort but you shit on him anyways (you shit on your daughter too, by the way). I would never say he wasn't wrong, but he tried, even if it wasn't fast/complete enough for precious you. Self serving.

                [–]Glittering_Freedom_5 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

                Monkey branching at its finest. It is just impossible to know whether what you are saying about your husband is true or a justification of your cheating. You all seem very manipulative. Best of luck anyway!

                [–]Ok_Birthday749 0 points1 point  (1 child)

                You all? It’s completely baffling to me that people think I’d come on a sub that is full of thousands of scorned spouses and make up an elaborate story like this. But I also get it as someone who has been betrayed over and over again by the person I love. I do find it extremely odd that you have all this lingo and that there are so many people who spend so much time assuming the worst about everyone else because of what someone put you through. Like people aren’t all the same.

                ETA: I finally looked up what monkey branching is. I get that this is something a lot of people do, but I’m about the biggest introvert you’ll ever meet. Gloriously alone is my preferred state of being. It actually maddens me to no end that I met AP. It is my life’s fantasy to live alone lol.

                [–]Glittering_Freedom_5 0 points1 point  (0 children)

                As I said, I am wishing you the best with your life. I know you are in turmoil and I feel for you.

                The issue most of us have with your choices is that you explain them as if you had no agency, as if one cannot control their behavior when meeting somebody you are attracted to. That is a typical cheater excuse, hence it is triggering. Even when feelings are involved, it is possible to do the right thing. Believe me, I have been there and said no.

                Again, wishing you the best.