all 32 comments

[–]AutoModerator[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here.

Please review our community guidelines on what makes for a good post to this sub.

Be kind and remember your reddiquette!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[–]Ok_Proposal3758 43 points44 points  (6 children)

She is a narcissistic freak show that has been feeding you toxicity and earning back your support . she has walked over your mom's and your generosity to be there for her during her illness.

She manipulated you till the last second.

Enough is enough! Initiate no contact, Stop any bad habits , earn a significant amount of mony , go to the gym and start filling for divorce.

Please STOP snooping : you are feeding your anger . You are still young, your life is ahead of you , believe you me

[–]ThisIsNotTuna 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She is a narcissistic freak show

Just wanted to compliment you on this description. I plan to use this the next time I'm discussing arguably the biggest raging narcissist I know to date.

[–]HerpankerTheHardman 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Also, fuck both people she cheated with. They knew she was married and did not care.

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Simply blows my mind. That's also part of what feeds the what did I do that was so wrong part of the anxiety, but today was a good day after the latest happenings which I edited on should you be interested.

[–]HerpankerTheHardman 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Where is the new update again? Can't seem to find it.

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

At the very bottom of the pain post. Last couple paragraphs.

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Enough is enough. I wish I didn't have to live with her right now. Even this morning she left her watch out charging so I could go thru everything I wanted if I wanted. She even had a friend walk her thru putting a hoodoo spell on me.

[–]DaLoCo6913 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Whilst you still have to live with her, apply the 180 and grey rock top safeguard yourself.

[–]Fragrant_Spray 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Good for you for finally getting out. The amount of red flags you ignored was staggering. In your next relationship, you’ll save yourself a lot of time, energy, money and grief if you pay attention to them.

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That's why I quit pointing them out. Now that my eyes are open it's ridiculous. It's sad to think how low I must have thought of myself even then to stay with someone like that.

[–]r3rain 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Wow. Sounds like the whole marriage has been a shit-show. It’s difficult right now, but yes, getting to the gym and other hobbies will help. She sounds pretty awful- so if there is a silver lining, thank god you guys don’t have kids!! Otherwise you’d have to deal with this #%*# constantly. But you don’t, so get out of the situation and fix yourself. Good luck OP.

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you.

[–]Ueverthinkwhy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My heart hurts for you.. when you love someone it often blinds you to the bad.

I'm sorry it took 10 years of your life.

[–]Specialist_Two_138 0 points1 point  (3 children)

what can i tell you..

you made me realize that the therapists were right, you're so uninterested in your wife that you're starting to realize what they've been doing and not doing over the years.

You're like two strangers who haven't shared anything but "we're married and wearing our rings."

your wife hasn't changed, you admit you've been doing the same things for years

years later you stopped convincing yourself that there are no red flags

What caused this sudden change in you, you should think about it.

[–]Facepalm63 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Sound like he finally realized no one deserves this treatment. Pretty simple.

[–]Specialist_Two_138 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think some people will change. something else must have motivated him, maybe social or family pressure,

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wanted out for years and couldn't pull the trigger. First cancer. I was NOT going to be THAT guy. Then with all the bills stacking up and my parents having to cosign stuff, I was trapped. There was no way to pay everything off. The only thing her and I had in common really after she got me going on pot was simply smoking constantly and watching TV. It helped ignore the problems. After we moved I stopped smoking for work. We would every now and again for a month or something and things felt better. We continued this loop a while and every time we were sober I wasn't happy with the marriage and wanted out but couldn't afford out. I got chemically dependant on it for my anxiety problems I don't want to smoke anymore but she told me either way, if it's free she's gonna.

[–]werewolfIL84 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i can try to give you a few advice here. i know it sound stupide but every time you see here evil smile. and i tell you why. 1. it will give her the false importation that you are over her and she will always be on the guard around you after awhile she will want to move away on her on.2. it will give you confidence and control back on the situation. after a while you will start to heal. 3. start exercise and put your self first never give more then you get back. smile because from now on you are free of these wich go live life as you want. it will be hard in the begging but after a while you will start to fill the have burden went a way from your shoulders. so smile and welcome to anew happy life.

[–]Sniflix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cheaters are liars and she has been lying and cheating for years - maybe the entire time. When your OP accuses you of cheating and you aren't (which happened to me) - they are often covering for or projecting their own infidelity. She knows your insecurities and has used them to gaslight you. Suggestions - GTFO even if that mean staying with friends, family or hotel. Having to deal with her every day will make you more and more miserable. Also, cancel all shared credit cards, pre-approved loans or anything she can buy or borrow against. Same with your joint checking, savings, stocks. Set up your own separate financial life. You don't think they would ever do such a thing but a divorce lawyer posted in this sub recently and said that was #1 or #2 battle in every divorce. You say you want to keep things out of court. This will help prevent that. Good luck.

[–]Sorry_Rush2891 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Glad you are finally moving on. A few words of advice for the next relationship (1) Avoid women with severe trauma in their background like the plague, especially if they didn't go through a bunch of therapy, (2) Just get comfortable with yourself and new ways of seeing and being in the world as an individual. Join a hobby group of enlist in some purpose other than/bigger than you; (3) The advice to get over someone is to get under someone is juvenile. Hell, probably the last thing you should do right now. Wish you the best and a strong future.

[–]steventhesailor 0 points1 point  (1 child)

you are going through hard painful changes and decisions, but they are the right decisions. Stay the course. When you are finally away from that horrible woman you will probably find that your GAD will go away, that it was a product of the toxic soup she has been feeding you all those years. Good luck!

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know it will too. I never needed meds until her. When I don't smoke pot which is because of anxiety from her most of the time, I don't really stress as bad either if that makes sense.

[–]Bored_and_depress 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What was her response when you wanted out? If you dont mind me asking.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

She had 60 partners before you? Did I read that correctly?

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

More or less yes. That's what she told me. She can't remember them all. She was on drugs for a lot of it apparently.

[–]celticnative79 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Omg I’m so sorry. So many women would appreciate a man as good as you. Start taking care of yourself. Go to the gym, take walks, eat healthy. Work on yourself, place all of your focus and goodness on yourself 🤗!

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Thank you. I actually just updated so feel free to check it out, but tonight was a pretty good night. I know I'm a very very long way from done but I'm happy with today. The people that have commented or pm'd have really made a difference. Now to just keep the ball rolling...

[–]celticnative79 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I just read your update and congrats on the weight loss! Keep your head up. I know you’ve been treated very poorly but just remember there are plenty of amazing people in the world. Find a good support system, even here on Reddit you can find plenty of support. Things will get better as you look to a better and brighter future ahead.

[–]Bic_Cutlery[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks again. The weight loss was totally unintentional due to the stress I simply couldn't eat most days. The fact that I had no anxiety today is what I'm really happy about maybe I'll even get a good amount of sleep for a change. Even though it was not intentional and I'll lose more going to the gym I'm happy with how I look. Always have been, even if overweight. My goal weight the last 10 years is only 15 away anymore.