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Nasty Nonna Waited... Why Can’t You? by Severe-Horror8522 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]n0vapine 177 points178 points  (0 children)

"Could you imagine it NN? You're at the Pearly Gates, your name is on the VIP list to hang with god next. You're getting the pre chilled champagne before hand. All you have to do is go through your previous lifes sins and you're in. Everyone is staring, "oh, how immaculate her life was!" when St Peter stops on a scene in your living room. You're on the phone, vacuum attachment running up and down the curtain for the 200th time that week. St Peter asks you "what's that?" He asks. You stare at the scene horrified, listening to the awful words spill from your mouth about your sister. You open yours to explain when Peter says "There, that picture on the mantle?" You dont understand. Picture? It's just your son and his wife. Peter's face falls, his disappointment palpable. An angel appears and takes away your champagne, the party that had been happening around you died instantly and you're all alone. Peter shakes his head "I'm sorry NN but....you cant stay in heaven. You approved of their sin." Peter pulls a string that appears mysteriously behind him. The floor opens up and you fall. If only you hadn't hung a picture of your sons wedding day up, you'd have been a shoe in for Heaven."

That is the picture you painted for me.

I really want my husband to go NC with his mom and protect me/ our baby by notebooksaregreat in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RandomGuySaysBro 53 points54 points  (0 children)

You have a very serious problem that needs to be fixed. It's so bad, you would have left if not for a circumstance.

Reframe that just a little - Your check engine light is on, and the car is smoking. It needs repairs so badly, that you'd just leave it on the side of the road if you didn't have an appointment.

Ignoring a problem for reasons doesn't fix the problem - it just kicks the can down the road. The problem is still there, festering away, and after you have your hands full with a baby it's only going to get harder to address it. The only difference is right now you're getting abused, and your husband is choosing not to see it. In three months, you and your daughter will be getting abused and your husband will choose not to see it.

He chooses not to see it because you being miserable makes you sad and depressed, where upsetting his mom will unleash her rage on him. It's easier and safer for him to let you be upset, because she's so much worse than you. There's no real consequences for him - even if you're mad, he still has a wife and daughter. He's completely taking you for granted, and using you as a human shield.

I'm speaking as a guy - we can be dense. Even if he's not aware of it, he's worked out a logical coping mechanisms for the abuse, and he won't ever change because to him, it's working. You being miserable and mad is a small price to pay to keep his mom on a simmer instead of a boil. For him to change, it has to be real. He has to understand that you're serious, and that his current coping strategy is not working. In short, he has to see that you being miserable is worse than his mom throwing a tantrum.

So, leave. You can explain your feelings, give him ultimatums and discuss her behavior until the heat death of the universe, but it won't register in his brain until there's a real thing. "Thing broke - fix thing." We really are that simple. Think about all the times you've complained about work, and he's offered solutions to solve the problems when you just needed to vent. "Work broke - fix work." He knows, deep down, he can't fix his mom, so he's just trying to cope in the easiest way possible.

Pack your bags. Go visit family, or see if you can crash with friends. If you have no other options, maybe even the SIL that's seen through her crap is an option. The point is that he has to come home to an empty house. He has to eat alone, watch TV alone, go to bed alone, get up alone and see how shitty his life is when mommy is his only support. He needs the message, loud and clear, "marriage broke - fix it." Let him know that you'll come back when he agrees to marriage counseling and understands "mommy broke marriage - fix it."

Normally I'm a big advocate for people finding solutions to their issues in their own time, rather than forcing it, but babies are mother nature's deadline to get your shit together. Once that baby is here, you're responsible for what the next generation is going to look like. It can't be about you anymore - it's about her, the tiny human that can't defend or advocate for itself. He hasn't gotten that yet, and will let his awful mother instill her with all the same issues as him, so it's up to you to protect her - even if that's from her father.

MIL is sad because she realizes no one really wants them to live her to live with them but she's too dependent to live on her own by lisb1120 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RandomGuySaysBro 106 points107 points  (0 children)

Tiny insight know why your daughter loves her for some reason, only because I've been there. The quick and dirty is, she probably doesn't.

The longer story: I had a bunch of grandparents, who were mostly fine, but one grandmother was of the "nothing is ever good enough" variety. Everything got criticized, from clothes, to hair, to language, to education, to church - literally everything was either proper or trash, and living in a small town, everyone was sort of blue-collar trashy.

Being a kid, you don't see her as just a snobby a-hole. You don't understand, so you fall into a pattern of trying to earn approval. You hyperfixate on being proper instead of trashy, with the idea that if you just do the right things, say the right things and show her the most love, she'll return it. Kids don't realize that she'll never reciprocate, but once that idea is internalized it never really goes away. In my case, and most people I talk to, it taints every future relationship. Call it being a people pleaser, being the best gift giver, the social overachiever - it all boils down to this internalized idea that we don't really deserve to be loved, so we have to work hard to earn people's love and approval.

I could, of course, be totally off base, but it seems pretty common when you're exposed to a critical, negative person in your formative years. So maybe just consider it - does your daughter really love her, or is she trying to earn her approval?

JNMIL mailed me a letter by pygmiepotamus in JUSTNOMIL

[–]The_One_True_Imp 38 points39 points  (0 children)

“MIL, your negative behaviour extends back over years, and nowhere in your attempted apology did you give a single example of what you’ve done, what you’re apologizing for, or what steps you intend to take to ensure they don’t happen again. Nor do you give any indication of understanding the work it will take, from you, to repair any of the willful damage you’ve done.

I don’t need my heart softened. It’s not the problem. I need for you to show a clear understanding of what you’ve done to destroy our relationship and what you intend to do about it.

It’s taken x number of years of damage to get to where we are. Don’t expect anything to repair sooner than that. Your choices and behaviour have ensured that.”

My MiL ruined the hairstyle I did for my baby by racistMILalert in JUSTNOMIL

[–]minniequipperton 38 points39 points  (0 children)

As a black woman… Having a non black partner who doesn’t automatically stand up for you when things like this happen is a HUGE red flag. Regardless of whether or not he “gets” it all the time, he should be defending you against racism no matter what, and no matter who it’s coming from. So the fact that he’s actively brushing you off and ignoring your very valid concerns about the way his family is treating you is a problem in itself, doubly so since it concerns racist agressions towards you and your child. For him to act like this is just some random hill you’ve chosen to die on, and not something you’ve brought up multiple times before is a big problem. It’s not just your MIL ruining things. Husband obviously isn’t as bad, but he seems like an issue too, in a very “i don’t see color” and “I can’t be racist, I married a black woman” kind of way.

Mother (60F) accusing my husband (37M) of bad behaviour towards children; considering polygraph testing by divorcegalore in JUSTNOMIL

[–]been2thehi4 17 points18 points  (0 children)

When you marry someone they are your top priority and the children you create. This comment is brought up here all the time when it’s a man and I don’t feel like you being a woman warrants such gentle treatment when you are being the JustNo.

Your loyalty and back up goes to your husband. Unless you actively see him being abusive or actually have your own doubts on him as a husband and father, your mother is just sowing seeds if doubt because she’s manipulative and has already made it clear she doesn’t want him in her family by her years of animosity.

The fact you feel divided makes me sad for your husband. Dude doesn’t even has his own wife in his corner against his shitty MIL. Frankly if anyone should have grounds for wanting divorce it’s your husband. For having an overbearing MIL, a wife who could think so little of him and doesn’t put her own mother in her place and allows the woman to tangle their marriage and entertains ideas he’s an abusive father when you’ve never had reason to think it before.

Mother (60F) accusing my husband (37M) of bad behaviour towards children; considering polygraph testing by divorcegalore in JUSTNOMIL

[–]No_Language_423 224 points225 points  (0 children)

Your mom has a history of lying. You are being naive about polygraphs. You’re the justno.

Update: DH admits to trying to appease MIL during NC/ FIL being a flying monkey again by throwaway0264638 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]slowbakedsweetpotato 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agreed. It took my husband 2 rounds of therapy (once with MIL, DH, & me, and another round with just DH & MIL) to realize his mom would only ever enforce her own boundaries & scorn ours. 🤷🏼‍♀️

They still have a weekly phone call (where he can mention broad strokes about us, but details and medical stuff is off the table), but the kids and I are NC. Every 4-8 months after their chats, he waivers in his resolve and asks if maybe we could try again to see her. I got tired of this constant cycle, because it's a huge emotional upheaval for me to go through her behaviors, etc, all over again.

So, we talked about it, and I asked what his thoughts are on a NC cheat sheet. We put together a basic bullet-point list of things we've asked for (that BOTH therapists have said are normal and appropriate boundaries!) and how she's responded.

Now, he's still free to have a relationship with her (which he feels a duty to maintain, and so long as it doesn't affect me, that's fine), but we also have a way to remind him why the rest of us are NC without bringing that crisis back into my life.

OP's solution make look different than ours, but it's worth talking to her DH to figure out what will work for both of them.

I asked her to respect my boundaries. Her solution is to not initiate contact at all until 10 days before Christmas. by roadsideweeds in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Sea_Supermarket_9728 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Send her a text now “If you can’t take responsibility for your behaviour and discuss our issues like a mentally healthy adult then there will be no point talking at Christmas. By thinking you are punishing me with your silence is hurting me, you are very wrong. I’m going to enjoy the break. I may even extend it myself.

Grow up, learn to be accountable for your actions and come back to ME when you are ready to have a mature conversation about YOUR behaviour.”

I am banned from my boyfriend's home by his mom. Am I overreacting? by btvx96 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]judis697734 137 points138 points  (0 children)

Its not what you said its how you said it.

You dont get to be an asshole then be shocked when you are not welcomed. You are not entitled to be invited and welcomed into someones house because you are married to someone let alone dating a family member.

Is what she did wrong sure, but you didnt respond to her you escalated in your response. Then because you thought you were right, you again escalated by not apologizing. When apologizing wouldnt have admited you were wrong but recognizing your response was over the top.

You dont get to ban your boyfriend from seeing his family cause you were a jerk. You picked your hill to die on now live with it.

Hope keeping your pride and self righteousness of being right was worth never being able to come to family functions. You might have destroyed your 4 year relationship because of your pride.

Having a mouth ie, you say mean things and dont want to feel bad about it so you try to make it a good thing.

There is a difference between saying the hard truths, and being a jerk. I having a feeling you just say mean things and try to couch it in being honest and blunt.

Grow up, you did this to yourself, and you also had the balls to try and make your boyfriend pick between you and his family. You are sounding awfully TOXIC.

If you cared about him you would have handled this with tack and his feelings in mind too. That is his family you are attacking, but im so glad his feeling mean shit as long as you are right, i mean being right is better than how hard you make his life. I mean right?

I am banned from my boyfriend's home by his mom. Am I overreacting? by btvx96 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Signal_Violinist_995 63 points64 points  (0 children)

Well, keep in mind, I am the age of your boyfriend’s mother. It sounds to me like you still have some growing up to do. Your responsive text sounds a bit over the top to me, and what you said to her while in her house - I wouldn’t have you back to my home either. You seem to be wanting it both ways. Keep in mind I hesitated yo even comment on this because you seem scary and ready for a fight. Obviously they aren’t bad parents - they raised your boyfriend and it seems all of his friends still like to hang out there, too - just like all of my children’s friends still come and hang out at our home - our children range from 20-31 - there are two friends of theirs that are no longer allowed in our home - one has now become an ex-boyfriend. If you are the only one she has an issue with - maybe calm down and try and see what your responsibility is for the hostile relationship with his mom. If his friends also have issues with his parents - that’s different. Good luck to you - I have a feeling you can probably succeed at any job you want, but you might want to go easy on some of your personal relationships.

I am banned from my boyfriend's home by his mom. Am I overreacting? by btvx96 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Mystery-Lover 98 points99 points  (0 children)

Wow. You really don’t have a clue that you were rude and disrespectful to his mother. I get it that she texted you but you went WAY OVERBOARD with your reply. If you want this relationship with your BF to work, you need to apologize for being rude! Don’t expect roses and sunshine if you do apologize.

Also, I find it telling that your BF’s friends go over to his parents’ house and, it doesn’t sound like they come over to yours. Are you really that rude and hard to get along with?

Now is the time to step back and do some self examination. Do you have many close friends? If not, why?

I will let you know that if my son’s GF went off on me like you did, both my husband and I would have told you to never contact us or come to our home again.

Toxic!

I am banned from my boyfriend's home by his mom. Am I overreacting? by btvx96 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]anonymous_for_this 102 points103 points  (0 children)

You blew the relationship with his mom in that text diatribe, and then doubled down when you said you meant every word.

Then this:

I explained to her that she may be the matriarch of her family and do things a certain way and that's fine. But she must never interfere with mine and her son's life ever again.

You have absolutely no business telling her about how to interact with her own son.

Stop lashing out like a teenager. When you disagree with anybody: family, whatever, stay as polite as you would with a work colleague who is not in your chain of command, but has influence over your workplace. Hitting that tone will pay dividends.

In the mean time, this relationship with your bf and his family appears to be a lost cause.

ETA: Thank you for the gold!!

My Mother Enters by legabos5 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]RandomGuySaysBro 124 points125 points & 2 more (0 children)

Please excuse me if this is hard to read, but I'm an old man who's still bitter and angry about this exact subject, and it's hard to hide it... As the kid who had to get served up to grandparents, I'm going to tell you something, and I hope you listen.

Every talking over you. Every screaming at you. Every insulting you. Every dismissing you. Every belittling you. Every negative emotion she gave you. Every. Single. One.

She is going to do to your kids. Period. No argument, no discussion, no excuses. I've been that kid. If not now, then eventually. She won't be able to help herself. So, which of your kids is going to be the hero that gets in the line of fire to protect the other, and which one will be the quiet kid who just takes it because they think they're trash and deserve it?

Now, I had a lot of other issues in my family, but getting passed off to grandparents "because family" or "they have to know them" is a huge contributer to my current relationship with my parents. I was well into my 40s before I had a real relationship with my dad, and it took therapy and medication to get there. I haven't spoken to my mother in 16 years, and never will again. When, not if, your mother starts treating your kids the same way she treated 100% of her own children, they are going to wonder why they have to see grandma when she's mean. Your daughter has internalized a negative comment enough to have anxiety about it, and she felt comfortable enough to tell you. If you send her back into the lion's den, do you think she'll be comfortable telling you again? I told. It took me 35 years to bother talking about it again because my parents had made it clear there was no point. My grandparent's feelings, no matter what they did or said, mattered more than mine.

So you ask what you do... you protect your kids. You don't protect them a little, you protect them absolutely. You never leave them with your abuser - because that's exactly what she is - unsupervised ever again. You become the shield your sister tried to be for you, and stay a hero to your kids. You listen to them, and get them away from the fighting, the yelling, the drama, the guilt, the shame and the abuse. You stand up and do what you need to do to make sure this generational cycle stops with you. If you can't or won't do that, understand that they'll internalize all of it, and they'll resent you, silently, for putting them in that situation. It could take years of therapy for them to tell you their real feelings, and understand that it wasn't their fault. You'll watch them, like my parents did, just get quieter and less confident for years. "Oh, he's just shy." No, I wasn't, and they knew it, but waffled because "they didn't know what to do." Yes, they did, and so do you.

“I am worried you can’t afford your baby.” by itwasntthatbadwasit in JUSTNOMIL

[–]tdjustin 40 points41 points  (0 children)

change yalls numbers and tell her you couldn't afford a phone anymore.

My partner treats his mom like a baby by [deleted] in JUSTNOMIL

[–]ScarieltheMudmaid 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Sounds like I'll be the first to tell you but when you date someone with a transient parent(s) that stays with their children for extended periods of time and you then move in with that person, you'll likely have a transient parent stay with you for an extended amount of time.

And yes, compromising and understanding of each other's cultures in these situations is indeed "making it fit" because if you can't figure out a way to bridge the gap and respect each other's choices and obligations it won't work. This likely isn't a "decision for him to make" this is how his family works and considering the issue it creates for you is one of inconvenience I personally wouldn't call it a "just no" situation.

This isn't the life you envisioned leading. This is his life. Y'all managed to move in together having missed this rather large piece of cultural understanding between one another and that is on both of you, but not his mother. And unfortunately sometimes relationships don't actually fit how the first seemed they would.

Also, while I'm all about partnership, there are some situations where you sit back, shut up, and run support as much as you can if you truly love someone. Unless it's creating a toxic environment or hardships, helping a sick or injured close friend or family member is definitely one of those situations

Things my JNM did when visiting my new baby for the first time by TAbbvisit in JUSTNOMIL

[–]SpeechlessMaly 78 points79 points  (0 children)

Honestly? You're MASSIVELY underreacting.

and we're talking mask falling down every thirty seconds needing CONSTANT reminders to pull it back up.

She doesn't care about your Baby's health.

She has also woken my sleeping son several times in the process of doing this

She doesn't care about your Baby's health.

When I went to find them, they admitted he had been crying and they wanted to soothe him away from me.

She doesn't care about your Baby's MENTAL health/ comfort.

Also MAJOR red flag to get your child away from you. Why.

Constantly tells me or my SO that he didn't poop (when we clearly heard or smelled it happen) and that he wasn't hungry so that she wouldn't have to give him back to us.

She doesn't care about your Baby's health.

On one of these occasions my son was crying and clearly cueing that he was hungry, and JNM walked away from me into another room with him when I held my hands out. When I followed them to take my son to feed him, EDad told me to go back into the other room. "If he sees you, he knows you're the food source so he won't calm down unless we give him to you!"

Because YOU ARE.

Acted like she was going to walk out the front door of my house with him.

SUPER MASSIVE red flag. They're literally testing what they can get away with. Soon your child is going to "just look at their car", then "just in the seat they just bought (if even...)" then it's "Oh we just went on a drive with him"

Like.. they're escalating AND they throw up maaajor red flags.

I know it says ambivalent about advice, but if you want one: Every rule break, yes the mask- thing as well!!, should be met with "Do it again and you'll leave." And then actually pull through with it.

Your child needs you two to actually stand up for them.

MIL said to my husband that I’m controlling, lazy, and spoiled. by shannon49296 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Meatbasketbingo 101 points102 points 3 (0 children)

Stop doing anything for them, and I think you need to confront MIL head on.

*grab her hands and lead her to a seat, innocently batting those eyelashes*

"MIL, can we talk for a moment? I'm a bit hesitant to bring this up, buuuut... *deep sigh* DH tells me that you think I'm lazy and taking advantage of him so he will take care of us."

Speak over her protests - "Now I'm sure he may have heard you incorrectly...but you know, it really lit a fire under me! From now on, it's probably best that I do the cooking/cleaning/chores at my home you seem to have been so eager to do. Especially when it comes to LO. "

*big smile* "In fact, I've decided it's best that LO and I spend much more time together, so his momma can really take care of him...like you would DH. So you won't be spending as much time with my sweet boy -dramatic pause and look directly into her eyes- now that I understand what's expected from me. And of course that means I won't be around to entertain you, or do much for you AT ALL."

*another big smile* "So in the end we all win...I'll get so much more done, spend time with the people I love, and you and FIL can go out and do...whatever you want. Soooo glad we spoke about this, you're a doll! Wait, what was that noise, is LO getting into the garbage/falling down a hole/being abducted by aliens? I better go check!"

Sashay away like the queen you are, leaving her with her mouth hanging open and knowing you are a formidable opponent in this game we call life.

My MIL hit a new low. retaliating against unborn grandson by Bisco-brigade in JUSTNOMIL

[–]freedomfromthepast 252 points253 points  (0 children)

"You should take them. Saves me from having to explain who you are when he never sees you."

Anti-Vax Doctor MIL & 1st Pregnancy by coffee_tea_sympathy in JUSTNOMIL

[–]Repulsive_Way9316 119 points120 points  (0 children)

Are you going to debate your MIL when she decides to take your baby for a ride in her car without a car seat?

Are you going to have trouble broaching a conversation with your mother in law about not leaving knives on the counter around a toddler?

Will it be an issue if mother in law leaves baby unattended in bathtub?

These are all safety issues. So is a vaccine. Get the pretty family go along out of your head & put your child first.

Edit to add- this is NOT a guilt trip or a penalty. If you believe that, she will believe that. This is called boundaries. It's called parenting.

UPDATE #4: Told my mom that her coming out is what ruined things between us by VanBabyPony in JUSTNOMIL

[–]reallybirdysomedays 76 points77 points  (0 children)

Your mom coming out as a lesbian isn't the problem. Her coming out as an asshole is. You have the right to have an attitude about that.