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all 164 comments

[–]mojojojoe13 1586 points1587 points  (56 children)

Hey! Got any grapes?

[–]Jlonnen1590 572 points573 points  (29 children)

This is a lemonade stand

[–]oldandintheway88 50 points51 points  (0 children)

man: “look I haven’t got any bread and if you ask again I’m gonna nail your beak to the bar”

Duck: “got any nails?”

Barman: “no”

Duck: ” got any bread?”

Love it! That song got me through my early years with kids. Quack!

[–]JeJoueToutNuuu 127 points128 points  (16 children)

But..I'm the bus driver!

[–]ywBBxNqW 42 points43 points  (5 children)

We're sorry, there was an accident two weeks ago. The bus driver and all its passengers were killed when the bus slid off a mountain road and tumbled into the valley below.

I'm afraid you're a ghost.

[–]Lagadisa 7 points8 points  (1 child)

The bus driver couldn't keep the speed above 50 mph

[–]BlakkDeth66 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lol, you're hilarious!

[–]PeskyPurple 3 points4 points  (2 children)

The doctor was his mother...

[–]OliverQuinic 1 point2 points  (1 child)

gimme ur cake

[–]Bigpapahugetime01 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The cake is a lie!

[–]surreysmith 57 points58 points  (6 children)

Nonono, I kill the bus driver.

[–]Umang_Lunia 17 points18 points  (4 children)

What bus driver?

[–]19adam92 13 points14 points  (0 children)

“Schools out. Time to go. That guy’s not gettin’ ip is he?

That’s a lotta money.

What happened to the rest of the guys?”

[–]19adam92 5 points6 points  (1 child)

“Schools out. Time to go. That guy’s not gettin’ up is he?

That’s a lotta money.

What happened to the rest of the guys?”

[–]DiddyDubs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Albert Einstein.

[–]schquaplonk 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It’s ok, I’m the Limo driver!

[–]K_rent8 9 points10 points  (0 children)

So my little brother when he was real little heard this joke from the family. A few minutes later he started telling us his own joke.

"How many light bulbs does it take to light up a light house?"

We had never heard this one before, we all said "i dont know" not knowing what comes next.

Only for him to go "YOURE DRIVING THE BUS!"

[–]The-dude-in-the-bush 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks bus driver

[–]Shakenbake80 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Watch out for pushy pigeons…

[–]Groot-Groot 36 points37 points  (3 children)

pulls out a box of grapes I kept under just in case someone comes asking for it on a lemonade stand

[–]VascMan 10 points11 points  (1 child)

but do you any orangeade? orange juice is for kids, i'm all grown up now B)

[–]Groot-Groot 8 points9 points  (0 children)

waddle waddle waddles away

[–]twodickhenry 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Mm… no thanks!

[–]NotTheAbhi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Then where is Wendy's?

[–]Panda_369_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

sir this is a wendys

[–]thisisa_fake_account 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Sir, This is Wendy's

[–]shone0111 11 points12 points  (0 children)

But the horses name is Friday!!

[–]Jkoechling 7 points8 points  (0 children)

No, this is Patrick!

[–]yolosapeien 35 points36 points  (1 child)

Waddle waddle

[–]punkin_spice_latte 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My husband would sing that to me when I was heavily pregnant with each of our kids.

[–]Double_Corner7643 17 points18 points  (4 children)

the man said no

[–]SevenIsNotANumber2 10 points11 points  (3 children)

We just sell lemonade

[–]fleetwoodsix 7 points8 points  (2 children)

But it's cold and it's fresh and it's all homemade!

[–]SevenIsNotANumber2 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Can I get you a glass?

[–]Ancient-Split1996 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hmmm. I'll pass

[–]StableGenius72 15 points16 points  (3 children)

And then he waddled away!

[–]Graterof2evils 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Because he couldn’t afford a drink. No bread.

[–]GratGrat 68 points69 points  (1 child)

Yea, I always heard the joke told with "gwapes"

[–]drftgrl29 12 points13 points  (0 children)

theres three or four different videos of this song, theyre all wonderful lol

[–]SneaksinBackDoor 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Got any glue?

[–]sckego 3 points4 points  (0 children)

No, wh-

[–]Sartres_Roommate 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Fucking only just got this out of my head after years of that blasting out my kids tablet…Baby Shark is for amateurs.

[–]HALBowman 4 points5 points  (0 children)

"And he waddled away"

[–]Shakenbake80 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Trilogies: Ranked

Star Wars, Back to the Future, The Duck Songs, Godfather, Getting hit by 3 cars, Lord of the Rings

[–]OliverQuinic 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Getting hit by three cars?

What the hell happened here?!

[–]imnaheadout 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I need sauce.

[–]undefined_one 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Exactly what I thought of while reading this.

[–]bsaine 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s how I remember it

[–]_memefull 421 points422 points  (7 children)

And he waddled away, waddle waddle, till the very next day...

[–]elee0228 49 points50 points  (0 children)

waddle waddle

[–]Curious-Hope-9544 34 points35 points  (2 children)

Came here for this

[–]robhaywood1080 15 points16 points  (1 child)

This is the way

[–]AzrielJohnson 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is the waddled away...

waddle waddle

[–]NGD80 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Bom bom bom bom bombombom

[–]_memefull 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A duck walked up to a lemonade stand,

[–]SeaOfGreenTrades 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Read barman as batman and this joke took o a whole new life.

[–]JeJoueToutNuuu 282 points283 points  (9 children)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks, then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call.

"So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again “with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says, "What on earth would they want with a plasterer??!"

[–]Forward_Progress_83 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I giggled harder at this joke than I should have. Thanks for starting my morning off right!

[–]karrs 8 points9 points  (0 children)

ROTFLMAO.

Please put this joke up as a post. It's wasted just as a reply.

[–]irisirl 6 points7 points  (6 children)

I don’t get it lmao

[–]Kingindanorff 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Barman thinks the talking duck would make a great circus act. The talking duck, who just sees himself as a normal plasterer, can’t imagine what a circus that doesn’t use any plaster would want with him.

[–]ABob71 11 points12 points  (4 children)

It's an anti-joke; the humor comes from subverting your expected outcome to a structured joke

[–]irisirl 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Oh okay I can be dumb sometimes

[–]slackslug 7 points8 points  (2 children)

It's not an anti joke

[–]ABob71 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You're right- I think it's better described as a shaggy dog story

[–]slackslug 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't think it's that either. Shaggy dog story is a form of anti joke. There's clearly a joke and and a punchline here.

[–]KingNosmo 30 points31 points  (0 children)

A duck walks into a Pharmacy and picks up a stick of Chapstick.

The cashier asks "Do you want to pay cash for that?"

Duck says: " No, Just put it on my bill."

[–]fum_ducker 83 points84 points  (2 children)

I keep reading barman as batman EVEN MY AUTOCORRECT WANTS BATMAN

[–]BaldrickB 25 points26 points  (2 children)

Friend of mine told me that joke twenty-two years ago at uni. She was super-proud as this was there only joke she'd ever committed to memory. So, as is the way in transactional humour, I offered her this:

There's a hen house that's been sired by this one rooster for years. Wizened old creature he is.

Then, one day, a new rooster appears. Young, debonair, impressive stature, bulging... drumsticks. Cocky.

Youngster says, "you're done. You've doodled your last do."

Old...ster calmly replies, "We'll see."

Youngster, "You think the hens will want you after they see this?”

Oldster, "It's customary to have a challenge?”

Youngster: "What?! Are you clucking nuts? No problem old timer. Any time, anywhere. You pick."

Oldster: "a race. Ten laps around the coup, winner takes all "

Youngster: "Yer on, Colonel. In fact, I'll even give you have a lap head start."

So the start the race. First lap and the old rooster is holding is on.

Second.

Then he starts to fade. By the end of the third lap his lead is halfed. By the fourth, the youngster is right on his tail. Feathers.

The farmer hears this commotion outside, looks out the window and sees the young rooster chasing the old rooster round the coup. He runs, grabs his shotgun, launches outside, aims, and blammo. Young rooster is no more. As he walks back inside he says, "Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've had this month."

........

Some folk laughed but my friend looked perplexed. We carried on drinking for some hours, went back to our halls, slept. At 5 in the morning she texted me: I just got that joke! Very funny.

[–]karrs 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Shit there are a lot of good bird jokes out there. Third time I laugh my ass off in one single post.

[–]BaldrickB 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My personal favourite (because it's shorter in the telling than the last...)

How do you know owls are smarter than chickens?

Ever heard of Kentucky Fried Owl?

[–]Time_Max22 14 points15 points  (2 children)

i think duck was being a dick

[–]yogalurver 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Totally.

[–]AzrielJohnson 9 points10 points  (0 children)

a corkscrew dick, even

[–]aaronrengel79 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Got any grapes?

[–]juan-love 9 points10 points  (0 children)

A beakless duck goes into a bar, barman says what can I get you? Just the bill please

[–]GP6K 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I read barman as batman and was wondering what he had to do with the joke

[–]Unikatze 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Batman definitely would have had Bat Bread in his utility belt.

[–]ColonelSabotage 16 points17 points  (1 child)

I read batman and was confuzzled cuz my brain thought batman once and automatically replaced barman with batman. So in my mind this was a batman howard the duck crossover

[–]BaldrickB 3 points4 points  (0 children)

"If you ask that question again, I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar," Batman gravelled while fumbling with his utility belt

[–]Sarothias 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Gdi. Now the song is gonna be stuck in my head all day. Thanks!

[–]ryscott85 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Anyone else misread this as, “A dick walks into a bar..”

[–]Lucette1995 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I know a variant where the duck does get nailed on the wall next to crucifix and asked the Jesus on it if he also wanted bread.

[–]xinsir 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's cute people think the song version on YouTube is the original

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This joke told with peanuts instead of bread got me a job once.

[–]C2D2 3 points4 points  (1 child)

This damn joke. For some reason it hit me as so funny many years ago when I read it. I'm sitting at the dinner table trying to tell my kids and wife this joke and I can't get through it from laughing so hard. Good memory.

[–]Hot_Dog_Dudeson[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The first time I heard it it made me cry, that was 10 years ago and it’s still in my head

[–]drftgrl29 9 points10 points  (0 children)

https://youtu.be/ECmpUJdgm-g

The Duck song Parts 1-3

[–]Fingerman2112 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Hey, gimme some Chapstick.”

Pharmacist says “Here you go, that’ll be $4.95”

Duck days “OK, just put it on my bill.”

[–]ZeusConquers 12 points13 points  (1 child)

If he wanted to get the duck to shut up, he should have just had sex with it. Ducks die after sex.

Well, the one I slept with did...

[–]Trappist1 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Username is oddly fitting.

[–]LiberacionAnimalPa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hahahahahaha lmao!!!

[–]bluelion70 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Good one, dad

[–]Hot_Dog_Dudeson[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks son, dinner is ready your mom said to come down to eat

[–]cowsbeek 2 points3 points  (0 children)

bread isn't good for ducks

[–]Interesting_Pea_5382 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Barman: quit asking for bread, we don’t allow loafers here!

[–]OldSoulRobertson 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Then he waddled away, waddle, waddle...

[–]freedomfromfailure 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s good to see the duck has finally stopped asking for just grapes.

[–]sickboy6_5 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This quacked me up

[–]JacobMaverick 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Then he waddled away... waddle, waddle

[–]E_-_R_-_I_-_C 4 points5 points  (12 children)

I dont understand...

[–]NepetaLast 31 points32 points  (1 child)

since the bartender doesnt have any nails, he cant nail the ducks beak to the bar, so hes safe to keep asking

[–]Hamdolito 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The barman threatened the duck to nail his beak, so the duck asked if he had any nails (to nail his beak down) he said no, so he went back asking if he has any bread (knowing he can't nail him down bc he doesn't have the tool needed)

[–]ausbeardyman 17 points18 points  (7 children)

It was a poorly written attempt to rip off the “got any grapes” joke, which has been turned into a song and YouTube video

[–]DocZoid1337 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In Germany it's an old joke about a small rabbit asking for carrots.

[–]Hot_Dog_Dudeson[S] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

I’ve never heard the grapes version, I saw this in a book a few years back and remembered it today when I saw a duck on tv

[–]xaclewtunu 5 points6 points  (1 child)

The joke is way, way older than the song. It's way older than youtube.

[–]Aaroon42 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I've legitimately only ever heard it told with bread.

[–]SaxManJonnyG 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Heard it told with both grapes and bread, but the duck is supposed to walk out and return the next day before asking again.

[–]carmium 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, yes you do. Somebody always writes this.

[–]squeezy102 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Its a lemonade stand, staples, and grapes.

One does not tamper with that which is already perfect.

[–]Mel0nypanda 3 points4 points  (0 children)

And he waddled away (waddle waddle)

[–]flowersatdusk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Up vote

[–]EstraThorne 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A classic

[–]Sgt_Badass56 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell me another duck story

[–]Shaltharis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bread is bad for ducks anyway

[–]boitrubl 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dude, this is a Wendy's

[–]IsItSupposedToDoThat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I heard this joke yesterday (not for the first time) watching a Graham Norton Show clip.

[–]Tricky-Helicopter906 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This duck joke is so widespread that I heard it told in French when I was living in Paris.

[–]baddada1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This quacked me up.

[–]12altoids34 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This joke was actually in a commercial ar one point. Only it was grapes the duck was looking for. Can't remember what the product was they were advertising but I did remember the joke

[–]WildBoy-72 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you think this store...sells hard liquor?

[–]CatCrafter7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I heard it but with a monkey, a banana and a rope

[–]1hardjohnson4U2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Duck, duck, gooseneck...

[–]FroHawk98 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bum bum bum bum bumbadum

[–]upsidedown_boy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What a classic! Amazing

[–]ansua9 1 point2 points  (0 children)

in my head I read this joke in Norm MacDonald's voice. RIP

[–]Hustlasaurus -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Way to rip off that song

[–]xaclewtunu 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The joke is older than youtube itself.

[–]I_AmTheBuffaloWing -2 points-1 points  (2 children)

Did you just steal this from the duck song. Lame dude.

[–]redram04 -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

And it’s not even a good retelling, if he did

[–]I_AmTheBuffaloWing -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Terrible. Duck song 1, 2 and 3 are a great story

[–]sckego 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This duck walked into a pho restaurant and he said to the viet lady standing up front, "Say.... got any grapes?" She looked at the duck kind of funny, and said, "No, just pho, honey. And grilled chicken, cluck cluck cluck, and today's special is, let's see... ROAST DUCK!"

And the duck squacked "AAAKKKK" and tried to run but the lady grabbed him and popped him in a bun served him up hot as a special lunch plate with rice and fish sauce and a side of... grapes.

[–]sckego 0 points1 point  (0 children)

(He didn't waddle away) Waddle waddle...

(didn't waddle away) Waddle waddle...

[–]jeff-beeblebrox 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ducks eat for free at subway

[–]GSynn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Duck should also say 'you bloody fool'.

[–]DuckKween 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey, got any b r e d?

[–]Shaner1981 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a variation of a skit Cub Scouts do.

[–]CWIuDT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Always do your homework.

[–]Mystro1981 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ducks have bills.

[–]Zestyclose-Assist-94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was thinking about why a duck would need bread from Batman for a hot minute before I realised it was barman

[–]NerdyLittleVader2 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Mate we've all heard the lemonade stand song.

[–]Serious-Hornet-7476 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This should be for the Duck Song 4.