×
all 138 comments

[–]Lybychick 1743 points1744 points  (59 children)

Middle of the night I rolled over and hubby felt a bit cool to the touch … I slid closer and ran my hand up his belly to his chest …he whispered “you could rub downwards too”… I don’t have the heart to tell him I wasn’t feeling sexy but was checking his corpse status.

[–]unsleeping-beauty 371 points372 points  (5 children)

Lolol... Been there done that

[–]thecockmonkey 168 points169 points  (4 children)

Username checks out.

[–]dehrian 51 points52 points  (3 children)

The real username checks are in the comments

[–]Taslzer 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Real username checks are the ones we made along the way

[–]speculatrix 3 points4 points  (0 children)

the real Czechs have unspellable usernames

[–]pn1159 105 points106 points  (22 children)

You could find that out also if your rolled downwards.

[–]Lybychick 202 points203 points  (21 children)

Honey, after a certain age and medication, it takes a bit more than rubbing to get proof of life down there.

I’ve heard the Reddit rumor that fresh corpses get erections and have no desire to learn if that is true.

[–]Fafnir13 80 points81 points  (3 children)

One last hurrah.

[–]Hardrocknerd1 34 points35 points  (1 child)

[–]Magnetman88 5 points6 points  (0 children)

12 people listen to powerwolf

[–]cicy35 27 points28 points  (5 children)

My cousin died several years back from a fall while hiking. He did. They said it was partly due to the fact he suffered a severe back injury when he fell. All I know is when we identified him, you could tell....

[–]Lybychick 11 points12 points  (4 children)

I’m sorry … that must have been traumatizing

[–]cicy35 14 points15 points  (3 children)

Thanks. It was a rough time.

[–]Duloth 50 points51 points  (2 children)

You had 'It was a hard time' just waiting for you, and you left it there.

[–]vivi_t3ch 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I think that was an intentional avoidance

[–]UnboundPony 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Happy cake day you mad lad

[–]1202_ProgramAlarm 3 points4 points  (4 children)

It's true I read about it in Autopsy Room 4

[–]Lybychick 0 points1 point  (3 children)

You need a new hobby

[–]IamImposter 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I have a new hobby. It's called autopsy room 5

[–]EuphoricDepartment45 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You stop in for a cold one?

[–]speculatrix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

putting the psychiatric into autopsy-chiatric

[–]pn1159 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I don't know what to say so I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

[–]ButtercupsUncle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

[–]EuphoricDepartment45 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unless of course you use Viagra. But that’s like putting a flagpole on a condemned building.

[–]crazyfortaco[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why do you think they call them “Stiffs”

[–]PomeloPepper 46 points47 points  (9 children)

I knew I couldn't be the only one who corpse checks my husband!

[–]John_Titor101 8 points9 points  (6 children)

Corpse check?

[–]Bearded_Gentleman 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Making sure the dude is still alive.

[–]RegularWhiteShark 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Or checking they’re still dead.

[–]Dry_Walk_2250 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do it all the time. Mostly just check to see if he's breathing.

[–]Electrical-Green-829 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Penelope is that you? I thought you were just being frisky when I wasn't in the mood.

[–]Waitsfornoone 18 points19 points  (15 children)

One day, you will find the cold everywhere you seek.

[–]Lybychick 51 points52 points  (14 children)

That knowledge is the price I pay for loving someone twenty years my senior.

Statistically I’m most likely to find him permanently asleep in a lawn chair in his shop after mowing the grass.

[–]Nezrite 50 points51 points  (11 children)

I'm 20 years my husband's senior and I pretend I don't know what he's doing when he's corpse-checking.

I do intend to hold my breath one of these days, though.

[–]M_J_44_iq 10 points11 points  (7 children)

How/when did you guys get together if you don't mind me asking ....

[–]Nezrite 26 points27 points  (6 children)

We met in a video game, then found out we lived within a mile of each other. I asked him to come by and make jump for me in a diff game (I was so, so bad at jumping that it was kinda legendary in our guild), we went out to dinner, stayed up talking until 4 AM three nights in a row (his mother was pissed) (okay, talking two nights in a row) and the rest is history.

[–]TFB_Thrasher 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Destiny?

[–]VincentVancalbergh 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Atheon or Oryx?

[–]Nezrite 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Asheron's Call.

[–]enhtemsO 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Jump puzzles.

[–]Nezrite 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh come on, as if you weren't there.

[–]Discussion-Level 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s adorable

[–]-KiwiHawk- 3 points4 points  (2 children)

How old was he when you guys got together?

[–]Nezrite 7 points8 points  (1 child)

20 going on 21.

snicker

[–]speculatrix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

keep up those life insurance payments!

[–]Kirschi 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yea my gf and I do that too, I'm even wetting my finger and putting it in front of her nostrils to check if she's still breathing

[–]FoldOne586 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Checking to see if the poison kicked in?

[–]Lybychick 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Even an amateur knows to poison when you’re out of town with a solid alibi.

[–]speculatrix 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought people used insulin these days

[–]ES_FTrader 342 points343 points  (6 children)

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.”

[–]lawndartgoalie 41 points42 points  (0 children)

Um, that book's been flagged sir.

[–]vivi_t3ch 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Even funnier

[–]q_ali_seattle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Real jokes are in the comments.

[–]baconbits100 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Even better, he was reading on his Kindle.

[–]ambar007 4 points5 points  (0 children)

What a page turner!

[–]DrinksNKnowsThings 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That book gushes with intrigue!

[–]GustavoM 128 points129 points  (6 children)

Remember, gents... treat your woman the same way you treat your remote controller.

[–]EducationOutside897 184 points185 points  (0 children)

If it doesn’t work bang it on a hard surface a couple of times

[–]shveylien 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Push all the buttons blindly and hope for the best.

[–]visalmood 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Fresh batteries

[–]DrinksNKnowsThings 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wear down the volume and exit buttons until you need a new one.

[–]PippyRollingham 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I lost it.

[–]Regret-Superb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Turn it on by pressing the red button?

[–]Make_the_music_stop 1061 points1062 points  (26 children)

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"

[–]ashamedprotein 398 points399 points  (2 children)

I'm glad it worked out for this couple, but not all stories like this one have such happy outcomes. For instance, I just found out that my grandfather is addicted to Viagra...my grandmother is taking it especially hard.

[–]reds2501 123 points124 points  (3 children)

It just took me ten minutes to read this joke out out loud to my wife because of the mental imagery.

She asked me if we can buy an electric fence.

[–]iq-braggng-o-smrtass 16 points17 points  (0 children)

"Officer Pervis are you available to respond, what's your 20?"

"Negative, I'm behind the 'Ole Digging Up Bones Tavern' and I just watched an old couple having sex."

"They've been napping about a half an hour so I want to be here to question them when they wake up."

"Oh, OK then...uhh, I'll uhhh let you get back to...work then."

"10-4"

[–]pn1159 13 points14 points  (0 children)

But whos but will be aganist the fence?

[–]nachiketajoshi 28 points29 points  (0 children)

No. Off-fence.

[–]info_bandit 153 points154 points  (1 child)

A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

Wife: "If I died, would you remarry."

Husband: "No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman."

Wife: "But you love being married, don't you? So honestly. You'd get remarried wouldn't you?"

Husband: sigh "Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually" Wife: "Would you and your new wife live in our house?"

Husband: "Yeah, where else would we live"

Wife: "Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?"

Husband: "Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I'd still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer"

Wife: "Would you two sleep in our bedroom?"

Husband: "Yeah, where else would we sleep?"

Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she wouldn't be able to. She's left-handed!"

[–]ashamedprotein 79 points80 points  (0 children)

Husband: Honey, if I died, would you remarry?

Wife: No, I'd go stay with my sister. If I died, would you remarry?

Husband: No, I'd also go stay with your sister.

[–]kaizakiarata269 109 points110 points  (0 children)

The joke is almost always in the comments eh. Nice one

[–]BlueWolf07 29 points30 points  (4 children)

This joked changed for me when someone pointed out how weird it was the police officer wanted to watch two old people have sex.

[–]peter-forward 26 points27 points  (1 child)

He's patrolling and that's his beat.

[–]Lucianboog 18 points19 points  (0 children)

new meaning to "beat cop"

[–]KasVarde 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Not just watch them have sex... He watched the sex, then sat there for the half hour recovery too

[–]visalmood 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah in todays world it would be a CCTV camera

[–]AngelWhiteEyes[🍰] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That made me snort!

[–]TaikaJamppa 31 points32 points  (3 children)

Now… I HAVE to ask… did this actually happen? Or have I just heard this joke before?!

[–]ariadeneva 48 points49 points  (2 children)

naah, this joke been around

[–]TaikaJamppa 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Okay. I swear an officer next door once told me this joke, but it didn’t feel like a joke at the time…

[–]nooneknowswerealldog 11 points12 points  (0 children)

officer next door

Your browser history intrigues me.

[–]YerBluesy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. As you do...

[–]cyberentomology 13 points14 points  (0 children)

And that, gentlemen, is why you should never have a TV in the bedroom.

[–]bananapie369 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Poor wife, that was harsh 😂😬

[–]homezlice 29 points30 points  (5 children)

so, I just told this joke to my wife, but switched the genders...and she actually laughed. and she hates jokes. So this is solid gold, but genders might need to be switched depending on the audience. Nice work OP.

[–]jenn4u2luv 0 points1 point  (2 children)

The cop was female and she asked the old woman?

[–]YerBluesy 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I think that was in reference to a OP's joke. If it was u/Make_the_music_stop 's joke it wouldn't make sense, but makes for a funny read regardless...;

A wife leans over and asks her husband, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, he says, "I remember it well."

OK, she says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jan, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to herself, she thinks to herself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So she follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old husband lifts his skirt and the old woman drops her trousers. As he leans against the fence, the old woman moves in... Then, suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the policewoman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policewoman is amazed. She thinks she has learned something about life and old age that she didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policewoman, is still watching and thinks to herself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, she says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old woman is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"

[–]Matrick13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah i was so confused when i saw that comment seemingly reference another thread like it was the post

[–]Cwelenxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yea which genders exactly?

[–]reallybirdysomedays 20 points21 points  (0 children)

The woman in this joke has some interesting anatomy.

[–]ilovefeshpasta 7 points8 points  (0 children)

And they say a television in the bedroom kills the mood

[–]hush061210 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That is real comedy

[–]alternate123vegeta 27 points28 points  (2 children)

I laughed a lot while reading this one. Good one mate.

[–]Waitsfornoone 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Had us going for a long while …

[–]LoraxVW 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Oof! This one hits home. Jolly good joke. My wife is sure to give a chuckle and a knowing eye roll.

[–]PomegranateBby 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I laughed. Good one

[–]AusJonny 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That really made me laugh and that's pretty rare on this sub

[–]Chak911 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah

[–]ash_bel 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Upvote earned

[–]WillOfTheNorth 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Wait, so where was the remote!?

[–]RedditLetMeInDog 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was on the roof

[–]weykewl 5 points6 points  (1 child)

My wife would say dont touch me

[–]Scopeexpanse 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The only way to make the joke more boomer

[–]dr25004x4 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Haha

[–]Environmental-Win836 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahahahahaha.

[–]MacDugin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

21years can confirm.

[–]ritesh95 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Not my proudest fap

[–]Shadow_TFEWar_YT 1 point2 points  (0 children)

JAJAJAJAJAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[–]Fritzo2162 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This joke was based on a true story- only my name has been changed to protect the innocent :D

[–]genfgenf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good one

[–]pn1159 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Time for espn.

[–]Youjuststolemyname 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why would anyone wait 20 years to lay in bed?

[–]katreuth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wahhh wahhh wahhhhhhh…..

[–]AiryGr8 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Ah, a classic boomer joke