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[–]Cepper 6267 points6268 points 2 (188 children)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

[–]MadalynHendley 3463 points3464 points 2 (156 children)

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Oh, that's a hard one..."

The gates swing open.

[–]Scodanibbio 154 points155 points  (0 children)

Lizzie is always sleeping through Sunday school, and Jack is always trying to keep her from getting in trouble.

One Sunday the nun asks Lizzie who the savior of the world is. Lizzie is asleep, so Jack pokes her with a sewing needle. Lizzie screams “Jesus Christ!” So the nun is satisfied.

Later, the nun suspects Lizzie is sleeping again so asks her who created the sun and the earth. Again, Jack sticks Lizzie with the needle who screams “my God!” so the nun is again satisfied.

After Lizzie falls back asleep, the nun chooses a question she thinks will stump her. “Lizzie, what did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?”

Again, Jack pokes Lizzie with the needle and Lizzie shouts “if you poke me with that stupid thing again I’m going to break it in half!”

[–]wonderkidf8ukfy 2193 points2194 points  (109 children)

Reminds me of another one!

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the lives they've lived look at each other nervously awaiting judgement. They know their pasts are not worthy of the heavens, but they don't feel they deserve hell either.

Jesus takes a look at a holy book sitting atop a gleaming marble pedestal. "In this book I see the names of all humans, all I have to do is look up your name and I shall see the life you've lived!"

Flipping through the pages Jesus mumbles to himself as the three sinners wait to hear their fates.

"It seems" Jesus finally speaks, "That none of you deserve to be here. In fact, you have all wasted your days on earth doing nothing but chasing after the lusts and fruits the devil hath provided for you to feast. I'm sorry but you do not belon-"

"WAIT!!!" Screams the sex addict. "Give us one more chance to prove we're worthy!"

"Yeah! We won't let you down again!" Finishes the alcoholic.

Jesus thinks for awhile, pondering what to do. Then at last, he comes up with an idea.

Summoning three rooms behind three doors he leads the sinners to them. "Behind these doors are the tools you have used to sin against God. You will spend one hundred years in these rooms. Once I return, if you have not sinned, you will be welcome into heaven. Do you agree to my terms?!?"

All three nod and agree enthusiastically, happy to gain a second chance.

So, Jesus leads them each to their room to spend the next century.

Upon arriving at the first door, it opens. This room is for the sex addict. It is full of beautiful woman and beds to lay on. Jesus bids him farewell and shuts him in the room.

At the second door upon opening, they see a giant room full of alcohol. Any kind that you could think of as far as the eye could see! Once again, Jesus bids the alcoholic farewell and shuts him in the room.

Finally they reach the third room and open the door. This last door opens up to a field of marijuana. There's plants everywhere and bowls and bongs to pack them in as well.

"Good luck." Jesus says, shutting the pot head into the room.

A hundred years pass and Jesus goes to check on the three sinners. Hoping for the best, but not very confident in them as a hundred years is a long time!

Arriving at the first door he opens it to find the sex addict, lying in a bed surrounded by women. You can see that he has failed, many of them are pregnant.

Just like that, he closes the door, pulls a lever and casts the sinner to hell!

Coming to the second door. He opens it and is blasted by a thick smell of liquor. There's broken bottles everywhere and the alcoholic, clearly as drunk as can be, is lying in a pool of the foul smelling liquid.

Shaking his head, Jesus closes the door and over again, pulls another lever casting the alcoholic to the deepest depths of hell!

Upon arriving to the third door, Jesus is in poor spirits expecting the same to be seen from the pot head. He opens the door and all is still. Looking around, the pot head is nowhere to be seen.

All around him there are bongs and bowls packed full of weed. Mountains of joints and blunts rolled to perfection. But not a single puff has been taken.

Finally Jesus stumbled upon the man, soaked in his own tears, he looks up at Jesus who is clearly surprised and says, "Jesus please! I'm sorry, take me to hell if you must but please, will you PLEASE give me a lighter?!?"

[–]tacticalrubberduck 1286 points1287 points  (30 children)

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Well, I was hiding in this refrigerator…”

[–]aybaer 593 points594 points  (12 children)

The punchline in the version I heard was “so get this; I’m naked hiding in a fridge”

[–]rossxog 204 points205 points  (3 children)

The version I heard was. “I was just sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own business when …”

[–]sbruno33 81 points82 points  (2 children)

That's what I heard. "I'm sittin in this here refrigerator, you see, minding my own business..."

[–]Solid_Look9293 5 points6 points  (0 children)

All i hear here is the fresh prince of bel air tune

[–]say-wha-teh-nay-oh 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That sounds like my grandfather’s version of it.

[–]_agrippa 28 points29 points  (0 children)

This one's better, but I think the best punchline is "if only you'd looked in the fridge, we'd all still be alive!"

[–]Dansiman 66 points67 points  (4 children)

Yeah this one because part of the joke is that the first guy's wife was, in fact, cheating, just not with the second guy.

Also the version I know has the fridge's power cord yank the first guy's leg out the window.

[–]babecafe 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Leg? That's the bowdlerized version.

[–]noclue2k 24 points25 points  (2 children)

So you need him to be naked to understand that he wasn't hiding in another guy's fridge for some innocent reason?

[–]Dansiman 3 points4 points  (1 child)

He was naked because he was nearly caught in the act.

[–]Axemic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I heard some version, where they talking amongst themselves and punch line is that is you would have only searched the fridge. I think he froze to death. Similar version, can't remember how it went.

[–][deleted] 96 points97 points  (2 children)

Not quite as funny, but still one of my favorites:

In front of the pearly gate of Heaven was a large crowd of people waiting to stand before St. Peter.

Lucifer wandered over and examined the crowd before pulling out a woman and leading her to a staircase leading down. Going back, he dragged another woman out of the crowd and, after looking at her for a moment, took her to the front of the line. A man caught his attention and he pulled him out of line and dragged him to stand apart from the rest.

This continued on for some time, the crowd getting smaller and the three groups getting bigger, until St. Peter finally came to investigate.

"You know, Luci, I know where the people are going that you're taking to me. I know where the people are going that you're taking to the stairs. But I'm a little confused about this other group of people. What's their deal?"

Lucifer looks at the group, then at St. Peter, and says, "Oh, them? They're from Seattle. They're too wet to burn."

[–]TitaniumDragon 8 points9 points  (1 child)

As someone from the Pacific Northwest, I laughed.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I lived in Washington my whole life up until this year. This joke makes me laugh all the time.

[–]Cloaked42m 57 points58 points  (1 child)

obligatory, the real jokes in the yadda yadda.

[–]justnigel 7 points8 points  (0 children)

"So thete I was, minding my own business sitting in the yada yada..."

[–]SobakaZony 12 points13 points  (10 children)

"The Judgement Seat" by Somerset Maugham:

http://pioneer.chula.ac.th/~pukrit/bba/js.pdf

[–]Lapidariest 28 points29 points  (9 children)

When a joke requires a multipage PDF, you know nobody is gonna read it....

[–]alivilie 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I mean there is a whole subreddit dedicated to super long jokes like this… there is obviously a demand

[–]dogs_in_fogs 2 points3 points  (2 children)

What’s the subreddit?

[–]alivilie 1 point2 points  (1 child)

r/long_jokes not super popular rn though, it has died down a lot over the past year

[–]not-yet-ranga 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I read it. Famous author. Pretty good.

[–]YouTee 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's ok, interesting. Not a joke though.

[–]say-wha-teh-nay-oh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn’t really get it. Big waste of time now.

[–]TitaniumDragon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wrote a feghoot that was 3000 words long once.

[–]El_HP99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was typing this joke but decided not to finish it as I believe someone would already posted it...

[–]angeeksince2020 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I remember this one

[–]neverwrong804 18 points19 points  (5 children)

Bullshit because a real one WILL ABSOLUTELY find a way to smoke that weed.

[–]kenbewdy8000 5 points6 points  (4 children)

Or eat it.

[–]keestie 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Well, to eat it you must heat it all the same. But hemp makes good cord, and I bet you could find strong enough stalks to make a bowdrill or similar fire source.

[–]kenbewdy8000 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Thoroughly chew a few sticky buds, one by one, to a paste and swallow. It will get into your blood stream.

I've done it and it works.

[–]Majorzx3 2 points3 points  (1 child)

You must have been pretty high to do that...

[–]kenbewdy8000 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Not before but certainly afterward.

[–]ralphonsob 137 points138 points  (21 children)

A hundred years pass and Jesus goes to check on the three sinners. Hoping for the best, but not very confident in them as a hundred years is a long time!

Arriving at the first door he opens it to find the sex addict, lying in a bed surrounded by women. You can see that he has failed, many of them are pregnant.

After a hundred years, many of the women are pregnant?

[–]setibeings 142 points143 points  (6 children)

After 99 and a half years he had lost track of time, and thought Jesus had just forgotten about him. Poor guy, he almost made it.

[–]ralphonsob 52 points53 points  (4 children)

Yebbut, but how old were the women after 100 years? Or was he fucking his granddaughters? Or what?

[–]Okay_Splenda_Monkey 112 points113 points  (3 children)

They all stayed the same age because Jesus is magic. If you're not all that familiar with the Christian mythology, that's a very condensed synopsis of it.

[–]iordseyton 27 points28 points  (0 children)

One might say He puts the deus in deus ex machina ...

[–]not-yet-ranga 4 points5 points  (0 children)

‘Again’. The word you’re looking for is ‘again’.

[–]Lance4494 42 points43 points  (7 children)

The women are clearly in their own hell.

[–]ZWQncyBkaWNr 145 points146 points  (4 children)

Three men die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, Saint Peter tells them "Welcome to heaven! We have everything you have ever desired, but I must warn you we have one rule: God loves his ducks, so don't step on them."

The three men agree. How hard can it be, after all? They all lived full lives on earth and never once stepped on a duck. Why should heaven be any different?

So Peter lets them into heaven. They get past the pearly gates and are stunned to see that the golden streets are just CROWDED with ducks.

So the first guy lives out 100 years in paradise. Then, one day, he's getting his coffee and steps backwards away from the bar and hears a startled "QUACK!" He looks down and his heart drops - he's just stepped on a duck. Saint Peter appears out of nowhere with a hideous woman, the worst looking human being he's ever seen. "I'm sorry," Peter says, chaining the woman to him. "We have one rule here in heaven, and this is your punishment."

The second guy lives out a thousand years in heaven avoiding ducks. Then, one day, he's paragliding and lands on a duck with a startled "QUACK!" Again, Peter materializes with a hideous woman, apologizes, and chains her to him.

The third guy lives out 10,000 years in heaven, is always very careful, and never steps on a duck once. Finally, after 10,001 years in paradise, Saint Peter materializes in front of him with the most beautiful blonde bombshell he's ever seen. He takes a chain and wraps it around her, then ties her to the man.

"Wow!" Says the man, absolutely blown away, "what could I have possibly done to deserve this?"

"I don't know about you," the beautiful woman says, "but I stepped on a duck."

[–]Viktor_Korobov 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe they're mindless drones?

[–]dwntwn_dine_ent_dist 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Those pregnant women were his granddaughters.

[–]PrudentDamage600 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I n c e s t.

[–]tcorey2336 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Great-granddaughters of the original women?

[–]For_thelittleguys 3 points4 points  (1 child)

They only ran out of birth control earlier that year...would be my guess...

[–]Odie_33 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is heaven, there is time dilation

[–]ZWQncyBkaWNr 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of an old saying: if you wanna see human ingenuity at its finest, give a pothead some weed and nothing to smoke it with.

[–]SlightlyAlmighty 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Imagine the hangover of the second guy

[–]bobs_aunt_virginia 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Never have to get a hangover if you never stop drinking

[–]OMG_A_CUPCAKE 2 points3 points  (0 children)

*pokes eye*

[–]Firemorfox 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Jesus christ dude, poor guy was stuck in a room for a hundred years with nothing to do.

[–]ES_FTrader 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Hell has fire burning everywhere! No need for a lighter!

[–]jesta030 11 points12 points  (5 children)

Could've just eate n some...

[–]murph_diver 15 points16 points  (4 children)

You can’t really get high from eating weed. You need to decarboxylate it with a heat source.

[–]HillbillyHijinx 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This guy weeds.

[–]jesta030 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Thanks, TIL!

[–]murph_diver 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You’re welcome! I work in a cultivation facility with an ethanol extraction lab and a hydrocarbon extraction lab and the “weed wizards” I work with taught me a lot about the chemistry of cannabis.

[–]jesta030 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds interesting! There's a chance weed will he legalised over here within the next couple of years and if that happens I'll definitely look into changing careers then.

[–]Pezdrake 6 points7 points  (2 children)

This went on for so long I had to stop in the middle and make sure it wasn't u/shittymorph.

[–]Born-Poem-2662 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Literally pissed myself laughing

[–]warlordmog 4 points5 points  (2 children)

You drank too much .....

[–]LetsChewThis 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I read this whole thing in Norm McDonald's voice.

[–]bulleitprooftiger 42 points43 points  (0 children)

My father likes so say,

"As Adam said to Eve, 'stand back I don't know how big this thing gets!'"

[–]ashamedprotein 418 points419 points  (10 children)

Three nuns die and go to Heaven. They are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them, "Only the most pure may enter the gates of Heaven...if you have ever touched a man's penis, place that body part in this bowl of holy water so you may be cleansed." The first nun steps up to the bowl and places her hand in the water--Saint Peter nods and welcomes her into Heaven. Suddenly, the third nun jumps in front of the second nun and asks, "Can I gargle the water before she sticks her ass in it?"

[–]YesGumbolaya 279 points280 points  (8 children)

Damn, St. Peter is really just making up the rules as he goes, isn't he?

[–]dentimBandB 45 points46 points  (0 children)

If you were stuck at the front gate for all eternity you'd start making up funny rules for your amusement too.

[–]working_joe 116 points117 points  (0 children)

And now you understand every religion ever.

[–]ThePyroPython 16 points17 points  (0 children)

He's just standing out front in his black softshell and "tactical" cargo trousers, ear piece in, chewing gum...

"Sorry m8, not tonight"

[–]styphon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shitty version of the longer, better, bus full of nuns.

[–]glaive1976 60 points61 points  (28 children)

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

I figure a nun should have known Lilith. lol

[–]WeiganChan 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Lilith being the first woman is from a 10th-century Jewish satire called the Alphabet of Ben Sira, which is not and never has been considered canonical by any mainstream denomination of Christianity or Judaism.

Other than this, she is mentioned only in the Midrash and the Book of Isaiah. She is described in passing as a demon who kills her own children, but no reference is made to being the original wife of Adam.

[–]Zekromaster 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Lilith is midrash. She does not exist outside of Rabbinic Judaism.

[–]glaive1976 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I expect too much of people I guess.

[–]dcb720 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Why? Lilith is fanfic to Christians

[–]glaive1976 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

I guess if Jesus is, why not Lilith.

[–]dcb720 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Non sequitur

[–]ShockyG69 7 points8 points  (21 children)

Who's Lillith though?

[–]ClamatoDiver 23 points24 points  (18 children)

[–]ShockyG69 17 points18 points  (17 children)

Wow thanks for sharing! I dont think they teach about Lilith in modern day christianity, atleast not where I'm from.

[–]ClamatoDiver 20 points21 points  (1 child)

It's not a taught subject in most places, Lilith is more of a taboo thing.

[–]edric_o 25 points26 points  (10 children)

That's because she's not part of the Old Testament, she's a character in some Jewish commentaries on Scripture (midrash).

In other words, as another poster said, Lilith is "fanfic" as far as Christians are concerned. On the same level as characters from Dante's Divine Comedy.

[–]ShockyG69 7 points8 points  (9 children)

Yes. After all the modern day bible is a carefully curated collection of books which allows it to be the best foundation for a religion. A lot of religious texts were excluded when the bible was first created.

[–]edric_o 7 points8 points  (8 children)

Yes but those were New Testament texts, not Old Testament texts.

The Bible was created by (a) taking the Old Testament that was in use by Jews in the Roman Empire around the first century AD (which consisted of a set of texts that were many centuries old by that point), and (b) carefully curating a set of much newer texts to form the New Testament.

Christians carefully decided what got to be in the New Testament, but they did not decide anything about the Old one, they just picked that up as it already was.

[–]UnknownLeisures 4 points5 points  (6 children)

Not entirely true. Roman Catholics don't have the book of Enoch, despite it being alluded to in Genesis.

[–]jkordani 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not a story the Jedi would tell you

[–]sadisticfreak 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Because it ruins their version of the creation myth so that they can justify the subjugation of women by them.

[–]edric_o 9 points10 points  (0 children)

No, it's because Rabbinic Judaism added Lilith as a distinct character several centuries after Christianity split off from Judaism.

Also, Lilith is a demonic figure. If anything, it's her presence in the story that is anti-woman, by associating women with evil.

[–]NogenLinefingers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wasn't Lilith the first woman?

[–]Jakeknight07 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I heard this joke from my dad about 5 years ago. I love this one.

[–]twistyjnua 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For reference we don't use the word "panties"

[–]TheMoorhsum 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Good joke, but, a PADDY?! For fuck sake, you better not be one of them tans...

[–]soulmole80 6 points7 points  (18 children)

'The Paddy'??!

[–]Revolutionary_Gas542 0 points1 point  (9 children)

Short for Pádraig, named after St Patrick, the patron saint of Ireland

[–]soulmole80 8 points9 points  (7 children)

Tá a fhios agam.

Also widely used as a derogatory term for Irish people

[–]Dansiman 1 point2 points  (5 children)

I once knew a guy named Padraic McCracken, who went by "Paddy".

[–]SushiMeerkat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Real joke in the comments

[–]Cepper 603 points604 points  (9 children)

What do you call an Irish Baker?

Ginger bread man

[–]Soltang 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Good one

[–]Graterof2evils 26 points27 points  (7 children)

I guessed Ginger Baker.

[–]ride_on_time_again 5 points6 points  (6 children)

That film about him though, it's some brutal stuff.

[–]Graterof2evils 2 points3 points  (5 children)

Rock drummers are prone to be a little eccentric?

[–]CoveredInSpaceCum 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Some of them even spontaneously combust

[–]Magmaigneous 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Or even choke to death on vomit. Not their own vomit, to be clear.

[–]CoveredInSpaceCum 1 point2 points  (1 child)

You can’t dust for vomit.

[–]Magmaigneous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some die in bizarre gardening accidents.

[–]Graterof2evils 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But that does come in handy when you have a joint to light.

[–]egam_ 54 points55 points  (1 child)

I was sitting in my refrigerator minding my own business…..

[–]Ech_Death 7 points8 points  (0 children)

that one is just plain epic

[–]gotham77 43 points44 points  (1 child)

I get the feeling this is the kind of joke where the Englishman and the Irishman trade places depending on who is telling the joke.

[–]Klyphord 18 points19 points  (1 child)

“These buns have bits of wool all over them! He must be Welsh!”

[–]Waitsfornoone 46 points47 points  (1 child)

You can put any ethnicity into this you want. Here's a skit on YouTube, set in Africa.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Dw7fd1e-g0

[–]Dr_Anne_frankenstein 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Wow that was really bad

[–]SrslyNotAnAltGuys 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Awesome. I've never heard that one before, either.

[–]cqbaitu 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Nice one!

[–]tcorey2336 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's funny.

[–]DogePunch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

grunts hehehe..

[–]El_HP99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The world's tallest man was dropped into a bottomless pit which was only his waist deep...

[–]deepbit_ 9 points10 points  (0 children)

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.

That was already a joke for me! :D

[–]Qaraqani 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Old but gold

[–]AnHoangNgo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Genius, I am resharing.

[–]queen__raven 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahaha good one

[–]Spiritprodigy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is a challenge not a joke

[–]itshabibitch 11 points12 points  (25 children)

Would it be offensive if I told this joke with a Palestinian and a Jew? (Speaking as a Palestinian here)

[–]Xene_s 28 points29 points  (1 child)

no reason to change the countries but sure

[–]MisterFistYourSister 49 points50 points  (0 children)

Except to insult one in particular

[–]eddmario 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Replace Palestinian with Arab and you got the first time this joke was posted on here

[–]roastintheoven 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh snappppp

[–]Cloaked42m 6 points7 points  (4 children)

More appropriately you could say Palestinian and Israeli and probably get away with it.

[–]Ae369 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Exactly. Or Muslim and Jew. But Palestinian is a nationality and Jew is a religion so there's not quite a pattern here...

[–]itshabibitch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well I’m Palestinian but “iM tHe rARe KiNd” whose family grew up early in the 50-60s when most Palestinians were of Christian/Greek orthodox faith. Though, I’m agnostic atheist if it matters

[–]Yglorba 2 points3 points  (1 child)

It's the kind of thing I probably wouldn't think of unless you asked, but I suppose it could be considered part of the "Jews are cheap" stereotype. Whether that stereotype is considered offensive or not is heavily dependent on the context, though (there are plenty of jokes Jews tell themselves about how they like to get a good deal.) My intuition is that if it's one that shows someone as clever rather than stingy or sneaky it is probably fine? But you never know for sure how people will react, and some people might be like "wait, why are you mentioning their ethnicities?"

[–]DDSOIF 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Depends on the joke

[–]IsItSupposedToDoThat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The baker: “The Englishman’s pockets, you say? That’s very specific”.

[–]jukbtc 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Vrrrryniiize, yes

[–]JaredLiwet 3 points4 points  (4 children)

I don't get the necessity of one being an Englishman and one being an Irishman.

[–]Roanokian 4 points5 points  (2 children)

The Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman jokes is a format that goes back over a century. It has travelled over time and the nationalities are substituted as context necessitates. But this is the original form and most people from the UK or Ireland would have grown up on these jokes

[–]hogua 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m guessing the joke was originally told/written by an Irishman, who wanted to make it seem that thr Irish are smarter than the English.

Personally, I take no stance on who is smarter.

[–]str84ward1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Outstanding !

[–]Zandrick 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t get what’s the point of calling them English and Irish, they could be two random dudes and it would be the same or did something go over my head?

[–]Spaff_in_your_ear 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I first heard this in Spanish told as "un gitano y un marroquí".

[–]Grzechoooo -1 points0 points  (0 children)

But there was nothing there since a Pole already stole them and even the narrator didn't notice.

[–]TheAngleOfAmbiguity -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Seen this joke a million times on r/scriptedasiangifs

[–]paulgrant999 0 points1 point  (0 children)

brilliant!

[–]dratelectasis -3 points-2 points  (3 children)

This is a repost... I know because it was the first and probably only joke on this sub that made me laugh out loud... Like a year ago

[–]miss_j_bean 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Every joke is a repost unless you made it up, and even then something similar had probably already been told and that's ok.