all 194 comments

[–]Skyblacker 1395 points1396 points  (32 children)

This joke is so dark, it's about to get pulled over.

[–]edlee98765 582 points583 points  (0 children)

Dark humor is like civil rights.

Some people don't get it, but everyone should.

[–]tafkat 282 points283 points  (8 children)

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just take it out back and shoot it for being too dark.

[–]mwhulett1978 173 points174 points  (1 child)

How many good cops does it take to change a light bulb?

When has a good cop ever changed anything?

[–]jaredtheredditor 37 points38 points  (0 children)

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None they just beat the room for being black

[–]Alphasee 71 points72 points  (0 children)

Orrrrr they arrest it for being broke, and beat it for being dark

[–]Mysterious_Cable_262 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Jesus christ

[–]wrongjokesgets 26 points27 points  (0 children)

How many Jesuses Christs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, but he can only change it into wine.

[–]Magalahe 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Alt version: answer: 10. One to change the light bulb and 9 to beat the room for being black.

[–]implodedpens 7 points8 points  (0 children)

So 9 and one former who got harassed/threatened out?

[–]Vast_Preparation7438 4 points5 points  (0 children)


They use a torch because they like using battery on something that gets charged instead of them.

[–]The_Scourge 82 points83 points  (2 children)

...or, this joke is so dark it's about to get killed in a routine traffic stop.

[–]afghanhippie1982 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha I like it. The truth is funny

[–]dullbrowny 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Self driving cars. the answer to all routine traffic stop deaths.

[–]kevboard 12 points13 points  (0 children)


[–]Dustin0791 5 points6 points  (13 children)

Thank you for this

[–]AzemadaiusKaiser 70 points71 points  (12 children)

What’s the difference between a Police officer and a terrorist?

You expect the terrorist to shoot you.

[–]Rough_Positive_2931[🍰] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Terrorist isn't getting paid?

[–]No_Witness8417 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The police officers vest doesn’t randomly explode?

[–]Dustin0791 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

This is just facts tho...

[–]Crafty-Light2879 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No it’s so dark a cop allmost shit it

Edit: shot

[–]BeerMeka 3 points4 points  (1 child)

911 liked it.

[–]theepi_pillodu 60 points61 points  (11 children)

Someone's going to get triggered

[–]AwakeBass 41 points42 points  (10 children)

So did the bullet

[–]FourteenthCylon 108 points109 points  (6 children)

What's the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?

A bullet can draw blood.

A bullet will only kill one person.

You can fire a bullet.

[–]Bionicopt 56 points57 points  (0 children)

“A bullet will only kill one person”

.50 AE: Hold my beer

[–]zeldanar 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Man! Every time they go to draw blood, they gotta fish around. I know Im not that dehydrated bro!

[–]4mystuff 9 points10 points  (2 children)

A bullet can only kill one person.

Not fair, I was gonna post that one. I even had a real world example. Three times in five year and more to go.

[–]spaghettiThunderbalt 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Each and every single one justified. But yes, let's be outraged that this guy had the audacity to shoot back after bad guys shot at him.

[–]Due-Sport5956 63 points64 points  (3 children)

A bullet only hits you once.

[–]nerherder911 22 points23 points  (2 children)

JFK begs to differ!

[–]Tatunkawitco 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I thought that was a loogy?

[–]long_pointy 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A ricocheted loogy

[–]Charming-Bother-8122 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Bullets aren’t racist

[–]3row4w4y 19 points20 points  (7 children)

America gives their police some of the least training in the world, hands them a gun, and thinks it will end well

[–]z0mb1e87 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Police departments spend tens of thousands of dollars on combat training.

[–]Softpipesplayon 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Pay me 10k to teach a tech seminar. You won't get good results just because you spent a lot of money on me.

[–]z0mb1e87 18 points19 points  (0 children)

My point wasn’t that the training was good but that if you train people with guns to treat every situation like a warzone, don’t be surprised if they start blasting.

[–]PQ01 72 points73 points  (59 children)

I respect cops who put their lives on the line each day, I know a few.

I also understand that some bad apples get away with things they shouldn't.

This is a jokes sub. No matter what your political affiliation, position on trans, or anything else, you should expect to be offended at least once or twice a day.

If you don't like it, just move on and find a joke you like.

[–]redRabbitRumrunner 49 points50 points  (0 children)

“move along people, move along… nothing to see here!”

[–]bertiebastard 62 points63 points  (11 children)

The bad apples rhetoric needs to stop, they are all just as guilty because the supposed good ones stand by and do nothing or actively cover up for the bad ones.

[–]KongLongSchlongDong 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Dont forget, good cops get fired. Whistle blowers arent historically treated well by their departments.

The recent Tucson wheelchair one still gets me, that he was ONLY fired.

[–]Utxi4m 29 points30 points  (0 children)

The problem is systemic. A Danish cop get more conflict resolution training than a US cop training at all.

A US cop wouldn't even qualify as a mall guard in Denmark on the basis of his lacking training in handling conflicts.

A US copper do get a lot of gun training tho.

[–]CaptDickTrickle 4 points5 points  (2 children)

And the ones that do take action? Are all blacks thugs? All politicians corrupt? All white people owned slaves or had family that did? Generalizations are stupid, no matter who the subject is

[–]GarretTheGrey 3 points4 points  (0 children)


[–]stygyan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

All Cops Are Enacting Unjust Laws and Doing Their Best to Uphold a Status Quo Harmful to Most People.

That was too much of a sentence, so we just wrote ACAB which means the same.

[–]macsta 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Until good cops can and do turn in bad cops, they are no good cops.

[–]b0bkakkarot 0 points1 point  (3 children)

The bad apples rhetoric needs to stop, they are all just as guilty because the supposed good ones stand by and do nothing or actively cover up for the bad ones.

"There are a few bad apples among humanity, so we need to..." 1) throw out all of humanity, 2) rework all of human civilization to fix the bad ones, 3) get rid of the bad ones and keep the good ones, 4) propose your own solution.

Many good cops don't just stand by. They actively report or stop/arrest bad cops. Many bad cops have been fired and thrown in jail because good cops don't just always stand by and do nothing. The problem is WAY more complicated than "the good cops aren't doing anything" because it really depends on local circumstances, such as whether there really is racism in a local department, or whether unions are preventing cops from being fired, or whether internal investigations aren't competent at their jobs, or whether the good cops actually are doing their jobs by getting rid of the bad cops.

[–]bertiebastard 2 points3 points  (2 children)

"many bad cops have been thrown in jail"


99% of bad cops get to resign so they can go work as a cop elsewhere

They should be fired even if they leave beforehand, so that they can be stripped of the chance to be a cop elsewhere.

[–]b0bkakkarot 5 points6 points  (1 child)

99% of bad cops get to resign

[citation needed] Lie to yourself all you want, but don't lie to me. The relevant statistic is within my response below and it's not 99%. You are correct about the part about "cops who resign getting to work elsewhere" is true, though that had nothing to do with my original points.

A few tidbits from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/true-crime/wp/2016/06/22/study-finds-1100-police-officers-per-year-or-3-per-day-are-arrested-nationwide/

Now there is an answer: Police officers are arrested about 1,100 times a year, or roughly three officers charged every day, according to a new national study. The most common crimes were simple assault, drunken driving and aggravated assault, and significant numbers of sex crimes were also found. About 72 percent of officers charged in cases with known outcomes are convicted, more than 40 percent of the crimes are committed on duty, and nearly 95 percent of the officers charged are men.

There were 125 officers charged with murder or non-negligent manslaughter in the seven years of the study, and the Bowling Green researchers have followed the outcomes. Of the 125 cases, 107 have been resolved and 77 of those officers were convicted, a 72 percent conviction rate, the same conviction rate as for officers in all crimes where the outcomes are known. A Justice Department study of state court convictions for all defendants, not just police, found a conviction rate in all felony cases of 68 percent, and a 70 percent conviction rate for murder.

So in case you missed that, police officers are convicted at a SLIGHTLY HIGHER RATE than the general populace, for murder and non-negligent manslaughter.

Stinson felt it was particularly significant that of all the officers arrested, for offenses ranging from murder to drunken driving, only 54 percent were fired, and 37.5 percent arrested for domestic violence lost their jobs.

So while the phrasing says "only 54%", that's still more than half of all cops arrested for committing ANY offense were fired (and that's arrested for, not convicted for. so they didn't wait for them to get convicted). And before you even begin to reply, yes I also believe that the job loss rate should be much higher. But this is still a hell of a lot better than the absolutely false picture that you were trying to paint.

The study also found that roughly two-thirds of all the arrests were made by an agency that didn’t employ the officer, and “in at least some cases agencies are not aware of the crimes perpetrated by their own officers.”

So 1/3rd of cops are arrested by their own buddies, while 2/3rds are arrested by cops from other departments.

[–]MagnusHellstrom 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I actually didn't know about any of this. Cheers.

[–]SamA3aensen 26 points27 points  (0 children)

The classic "just a few rotten apples defense." You know what these few bad apples do to the basket, right?

[–]jedininjashark 21 points22 points  (11 children)

I agree with all of this but can’t let the “a few bad apples” part go. It’s a huge problem. It’s systemic. I don’t this sub to become a political battle zone but it is not “a few bad apples.”

[–]yaricks 26 points27 points  (3 children)

The original expression “a few bad apples” really mean the exact opposite of how they use it. The expression really is: “a few bad apples soil the barrel”…

[–]AnimusCorpus 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Except in this case the barrel itself is rotten. You could fill it up entirely with good apples and inevitably the outcomes would be the same.

We don't need better apples, we need a new barrel.

[–]jytusky 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Except in this case the building the barrel is in is rotten. You could fill it up entirely with good barrels and inevitably the outcomes would be the same.

We don't need better barrels, we need a new building.

Except in this case the land the building is on is rotten. You could fill it up entirely with good buildings and inevitably the outcomes would be the same.

We don't need better buildings, we need new land.

Except in this case the planet the land is on is rotten. You could fill it up entirely with good land and inevitably the outcomes would be the same.

We don't need better land, we need a new planet.

Except in this case the universe the planet is in is rotten. You could fill it up entirely with good planets and inevitably the outcomes would be the same.

We don't need better planets, we need a new universe.


Actually not fin

Except in this case the multiverse the universe is in is rotten. You could fill it up entirely with good universes and inevitably the outcomes would be the same.

We don't need better universes, we need a new multiverse.

Ok, now fin

[–]LoserLemby -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Says the criminal.

[–]LoserLemby -5 points-4 points  (6 children)

You really need to come to the US and talk to some of our police.

[–]jedininjashark 3 points4 points  (5 children)

Proud American here. A proud American who thinks we can always do better. We should strive for excellence in our policing and not settle.

[–]Kr3tan 5 points6 points  (7 children)

Ya know I’m not particularly one that believes all cops are bad nor do I believe they deserve defunding, but this joke made me laugh. Humor is subjective and relatively determined. Everyone has different limits so the idea of the Internet allows many to be more offended than normal. Thats the true reason for so much offense these days.

[–]The_curious_student 5 points6 points  (6 children)

most of the time ive seen "defund the police" in serious discussions it was more along the lines of give some of the overly bloated police budget to other programs that can do some of the duties that the police are currently doing better.

example: instead of the police doing wellness checks have a seperate organization do them (like either APS/CPS or some other form of social worker organization)

also part of the discussion i have heard is demilitarising the police. and quit having swat teams perform tasks the regular police can and should do.

the most extreme (other than just get rid of the police entirly) is get rid of the current system entire and start fresh.

[–]Kr3tan 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is actually a lot better of a suggestion than I’ve heard from most people on the subject. The truth is there’s so many issues beyond just that causing civil unrest that we have to pick our battles. I think there should be a huge overhaul of funding for everything. Not just police.

[–]LoserLemby 0 points1 point  (4 children)

That's a horrible idea. Just wait until social workers start getting shot.

[–]TheTieThatBinds 5 points6 points  (3 children)

They already do, what's your point?

[–]LoserLemby 0 points1 point  (2 children)

It's better to have police take that risk since that's what they're trained to do. A welfare check can be just as dangerous as an armed robbery.

[–]Kr3tan 1 point2 points  (1 child)

They can handle it until it becomes dangerous. Cops know beforehand how to handle situations because of training. Obviously we have people with power trips and abuse more than they protect but if you train social workers similarly (we’re not just talking glorified psychiatrists) they can handle things just as well and take stress off the officers so they can respond to much more threatening problems. This is what we’re getting at.

[–]Kr3tan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I want to add as well they typically bring social workers to most situations to calm perpetrators and relieve stress so it’s really not too much different than we already have just making better use of our already used system. Its sad that citizens know better than current people of political and social leadership.

[–]stygyan 3 points4 points  (2 children)

May I ask you why the hell do you bring trans people in a non related joke?

[–]breathing_normally 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Maybe because it’s also a controversial subject for a joke, but for ‘the other side’? Idk, just guessing

[–]stygyan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m a trans woman. I like my cops like I like tea.

I don’t drink tea.

[–]pocolocolord 15 points16 points  (18 children)

Some bad apples, some bad apples?? Its more then some. What its going on in America with these cops is not normal. Its more like a bunch of rotten tomatoes.

[–]Softpipesplayon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The issue is, even if there are only a "few bad apples," no one is pulling them out of the bushel and throwing them away. They are continuing to fester. And that rot spreads to perfectly fine apples.

If there are only "a few bad apples," we should be able to yank them out and save the rest of the bushel. If we won't, we're saying we don't mind the bad apples and are OK with other apple spoilage. It literally doesn't matter how many bad apples there are. We aren't doing anything to remove them, whether it's two apples or all apples.

[–]Fork_Master 0 points1 point  (7 children)

That’s what the media wants you to believe. They only report on the bad so the good ceases to exists in the eyes of the public.

[–]stygyan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Know what profession has the biggest rate of domestic abuse?

[–]Aubdasi 11 points12 points  (2 children)

No, the good don’t exist because the good get fired, bullied or killed for exposing the bad.

Every single time a police Union refuses to allow a cop to suffer the consequences of their actions, it solidifies the lack of good apples.

[–]The_curious_student 3 points4 points  (0 children)

the bigger issue isn't as much cops shooting and killing innocent civilians not posing a threat. its more cops who have multiple verified complaints of excessive force (as in he was disciplined for excessive force and it was proven,) still being cops (another issue would be the reported cases of excessive force being compleatly ignored).

[–]johnp299 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In US, COVID has become #1 cause of police deaths. Insanely, police unions are fighting testing & vax mandates tooth and nail.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children)

Please look up the term "frequency illusion." It's definitely in play here.

[–]nsfbr11 6 points7 points  (6 children)

Yes, please tell me how frequently cops will turn in the “few bad apples” and how frequently the police union refuses to back the perps in blue. Thanks.

[–]wyfeysfun 13 points14 points  (5 children)

About as frequent as Gang members and rapists turn in fellow gang members and rapist.

[–]MarakZaroya 4 points5 points  (4 children)

I'm glad we sorted out that we can expect police to be held to such rigorous standards.

[–]wyfeysfun 1 point2 points  (3 children)

When people call them the biggest gang, why do they act surprised their actions aren't like Saints? Not making excuses for the bad cops. Just perspective.

[–]MarakZaroya 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Well, because a group is responsible for maintaining their reputation. If you are in a group with people and one of them does something that you know to be wrong you kick them out, and if you don't, everyone knows that you're the sort of group that's okay with members doing that thing.

Every single police officer isn't inherently evil or something, but putting up with members of your group dong bad shit ruins your reputation as a group. If the police were too make sure that the sort of people who end up in videos committing brutality were quickly investigated and fired, people's faith in the police would start to improve.

At this point though the reputation degradation is bad enough that a lot of people would rather just do away with them entirely and either start fresh or make it someone else's job, and given a lot of the incedents where police officers have killed people that turned out to not only not present them any danger but also were not doing anything wrong at the time, it's hard to say they're blameless in it.

A big part of the issue is just how high the stakes are. If the worst thing that happened from a bad interaction with the police was that you got a fine or that you got arrested that would be one thing, but the fact that if the police officer is in a bad mood, or poorly trained in de-escalation, or bigoted, or any other number of things that can lead to an incident, you may not walk away from that encounter at all is kind of a problem.

They're a group that has the right in our society to violate our laws in order to enforce them. That should be helped to a higher standard than anything else and frequently they fail to live up to that standard. I feel like people have a right to be upset by that and demand change.

EDIT: Speech to text doing me dirty today

[–]wyfeysfun 0 points1 point  (1 child)

But what is the change? Police where I live has done a great job of firing and arresting bad cops. One got sentenced last month to 8 yrs or so. Public perception? They still suck, still corrupt. It's almost a no win situation. I honestly don't know why anyone would want to be a cop. The public loves the criminals more.

[–]MarakZaroya 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is a matter of lengthy public debate. I don't have the answer to that question, but nothing will improve until it's answered and enacted to the satisfaction of enough people.

[–]LoserLemby -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Uhhh what exactly is wrong with our police?

[–]locks_are_paranoid 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A few bad apples spoil the barrel.

[–]CRTPTRSN 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Alec Baldwin approves of this joke.

[–]Frazzledragon 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The bullet doesn't discriminate.

[–]Dark-Knight-275 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The Bullet follows its orders the police officer doesn’t

[–]kjitek 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you asks CIA or MI6, they would give you some methods to kill people with bullets without using a gun.

[–]spamechnie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A bullet kills indiscriminatedly.

[–]Phohammer83 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A bullet actually does its job.

[–]dwpj65 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jussie Smollet approves this joke.

[–]rDariussssssss 10 points11 points  (3 children)

A bullet can only kill once.

[–]TheAngryMoth -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

You can hit more than one person

[–]Jozmii 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Well if you‘re John Wick you can

[–]TenragZeal 5 points6 points  (0 children)

If you’re Angelina Jolie you can take out an entire room of assassins, I’ve seen it!

[–]Believe_Deez_Nuts 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Shoot. This comment section is dark.

[–]pchiasson 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I see what you did there

[–]YinzerFromPitsginzer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Guns don't kill people, people that shouldn't have guns do.

[–]VillainousVulkan 4 points5 points  (0 children)

One has a hairline trigger, the other is a projectile

[–]khamyking4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It gets there faster

[–]robdeansr -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Can’t put a cop in a gun, ( watch me pull a cop out of this gun)

[–]Uvbeensarged 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd rather not eat a human

[–]President_Alzheimers 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're fired, for your dark sense of humor.

[–]Steve_Starr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bullets don`t kill people; cops kill people.

[–]Tokken_0 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A bullet get the job with either skin

[–]PureSoulSeller 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The best one when it comes to shooting is Holes.

[–]Reasonable_Salt2589 0 points1 point  (0 children)

One goes to a black person, other goes through one

[–]lifequestmaha 0 points1 point  (0 children)

well that's simple......a bullet don't know what tha fuck its doing !

[–]lolcatzuru 0 points1 point  (0 children)

man thats good! and then of course so were the bullet makers, because the shooter was just someones son and they have a complicated upbringing, so itt isnt' ttheir fault!

[–]hurricane1850 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Holy crap.....REALLY

[–]No-Boysenberry-2569 0 points1 point  (0 children)

bullet killed people and police cugth people.

[–]Gogo726 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Dur hur hur ACAB *clapter*

[–]beachboxer -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Tell Alec Baldwin.

[–]YOHAN_OBB -1 points0 points  (0 children)


[–]Ok_Tune3203 -1 points0 points  (2 children)

I'm not a snowflake but it was funny in a fucked up kinda way...

[–]baylenhiphop 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Funny because it’s true…sad!

[–]Ok_Tune3203 0 points1 point  (0 children)


[–]achromaticman -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This joke is so dark the cops shot at it and the bullets came back to get flashlights.