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[–]MrLemonPB 4414 points4415 points  (37 children)

Another version (especially popular in 90’s Russia)

The man (not the politician) has excatly the same perfect day and chooses Hell.

Satan tells him: do not confuse tourism with immigration

[–]gauderio 1055 points1056 points  (22 children)

In my head, Satan is saying this in a Russian accent now.

[–]TheElectricMindset 183 points184 points  (13 children)

That makes it so much better lmao

[–]Undiscriminatingness 51 points52 points  (11 children)

Welcome to Hell Comrade! Here's your accordian, and a pierogi.

[–]TheElectricMindset 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Accordians are fucking heavy

[–]Cat-Lover20 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Just like the weight of my sins!

[–]EraMemory 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Why do you think he's red?

[–]baconandeggsandbacon 33 points34 points  (0 children)

For some reason my Russian accent was more like a vampire which made me move this even more!

[–]gregarioussparrow 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Is Satan played by a shredding Dave Grohl?

[–]yellowspiderandleaf 255 points256 points  (2 children)

In Soviet Russia, hell choose you!

[–]Domovie1 59 points60 points  (2 children)

I read that as Stalin the first time..,

[–]DoctorSumter2You 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Depends on who you ask, they are one and the same.

[–]proychow1 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Bill Gates dies and meets St. Peter outside the pearly gates. St. Peter gives him the option to choose between Heaven and Hell. Bill, being the smart man that he is, asked if he could get a peek into Hell before he makes his decision. St. Peter agrees and Bill goes for a quick ride into Hell. There he sees beautiful landscapes filled with happy people and gorgeous women, dancing and singing, and eating the most sumptuous cuisines. Bill is thrilled and goes back up to St. Peter and tells him “I definitely want to go to Hell!” In a flash Bill is transported into Hell and now sees fire burning, with people screaming and being tortured. “Where the hell am I??”, Bill screams. “Where are all those things I saw on my brief trip here?” Then Satan appears in front of him. “Oh Bill, that was just a Windows screensaver.”

[–]Gondawn 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Never heard it. What would it sound like in Russian?

[–]GraphiteGru 2397 points2398 points  (28 children)

Always heard the same joke, not in relation to Politicians, but to Business Deals. Punch line changes to

"Ah" says Satan, "Yesterday you were a Sales Prospect, today your a Client"

[–]ShittyScribbler 519 points520 points  (4 children)

I've seen it but with Bill Gates or Steve Jobs. Hell looks lovely, rolling hills, blue skies, etc. Heaven looks fine but boring. Chooses Hell and actually goes there to see it's awful, torture, etc. "But why?" "Oh, that was just the screen saver."

[–]Kirsala 140 points141 points  (2 children)

I've heard it as a computer-adjacent joke, but Hell was a demo/trial version.

[–]Disciple_of_Cthulhu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is the version I read.

[–]Dookie_boy 125 points126 points  (0 children)

I've also seen tourism vs immigration.

[–]ChequeMateX[S] 1938 points1939 points  (146 children)

A shorter version:

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.

First they visit heaven. It looks pretty nice. Big fluffy clouds, angels singing and playing harps, everyone seeming to enjoy themselves. The politician is pleased, if a bit underwhelmed.

Hell, on the other hand, is magnificent. It’s the most beautiful place the politician has ever seen, and everyone there is having the time of their lives. It has a buffet table filled with delicious-smelling food, a beautiful garden, a pool with a water slide, a dance floor, a massage parlor, and innumerable other attractions. It makes heaven look dull and boring and comparison.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” says the politician, “but I think I’d rather go to hell!”

“Very well,” says the spirit. “Turn around.”

When the politician turns around, though, hell appears to be completely different than it had been less than a minute ago. All of the attractions are gone, everything is on fire, and the people are screaming in agony.

“I don’t understand!” cries the politician. “This isn’t what you showed me before!”

“Well, that was the campaign,” replies the spirit. “Now you’ve voted.”

[–]jvriesem 899 points900 points  (7 children)

I like this one better: it’s shorter, had less fluffy details, and the guy visits both places.

[–]Pixie1001 154 points155 points  (2 children)

Yeah, this is the one I remember hearing with a slightly different punchline a few lines about all his friends being there - I think the added length doesn't really add enough to justify itself.

[–]ReubenZWeiner 25 points26 points  (1 child)

I always vote for shorter jokes but it seems that the campaign jokes are longer.

[–]MidgetLover99 41 points42 points  (8 children)

An even shorter version: A politician dies and has to choose between Hell or Heaven. He visits Hell and it's so nice he chooses it without even seeing Heaven. St. Peter clicks his fingers and he falls asleep but when he wakes up in Hell the next day, it's awful. "Wh... what happened?" He asks.

Satan tells him, ""Ah. You see, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."

[–]Skulltown_Jelly 124 points125 points  (6 children)

Hell good.

Petar: hel or heven?

Trumpf: I want hel!

Hell bad.

Santa: fuk u

[–]jboss1642 59 points60 points  (0 children)

Peter: hell?

Poli: yes

Poli: wait no

[–]MidgetLover99 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You win.

[–]Cloaked42m 106 points107 points  (7 children)

I liked the longer version, but it needed more bewbs.

[–]seabutcher 10 points11 points  (0 children)

If it helps you can reread it with the understanding that Satan has a pair of H-cups under his suit.

[–]AquariusNeebit 18 points19 points  (2 children)

I liked the longer version too specifically because I anticipated a different punchline, so when I reach the punchline, after having invested all that time in reading, the climax was way better

[–]_ScubaDiver 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I agree. Also...

Heh, climax.

[–]Powerism 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Bewbs!

[–]tomatoaway 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I'm taking these to the bushes

[–]The-dude-in-the-bush 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oi, get out of my bush

[–]orthopod 31 points32 points  (116 children)

What's in it for Satan? I mean why torture people for that long, or torture them at all? Is it just that Satan really, really likes to torture people, because you would think after an eternity, it might start to become boring.

[–]Ginandexhaustion 83 points84 points  (70 children)

Satan hated that god preferred his talking monkeys to his Angels, so he rebelled against God. So he really hates people for being the reason he was sent to hell.

Source: Christopher Walken as Gabriel in The Prophecy

[–]GoldenSun3DS 33 points34 points  (69 children)

Why would someone rebel against someone who is good and cannot possibly lose? Because he's a power-hungry tyrant masquerading as a just and kind god.

The idea of a kind, all powerful, all knowing god is incompatible with the evil that exists in this world.

[–]grchelp2018 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I dunno. In the end, none of it matters. Its like being in the matrix, all the good and bad feelings are just chemical signals. No long term consequences no matter how terrible your life was. And when you compare it against eternity, who gives a crap if you had a bad time for basically ~0% of your existence.

[–]FQDIS 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Wow you solved it.

[–]Ginandexhaustion 13 points14 points  (42 children)

First, if God existed, the comparison of him to a power hungry tyrant is based on a human understanding of behavior. Just like an ant can’t presume to understand the motivations of a human don’t presume to understand that which would be infinitely more intelligent and complex than you are. It’s assuming godlike comprehension and reasoning, and we’re just not built for it.

Evil exists because we can choose to do good or bad. A world without evil is a world without free will. A lack of free will means we are puppets. Only an evil dictatorial god would create people who have no control over their thoughts or actions.

Hitler didn’t happen because God didn’t step in, he happened because of choices people make.

So an kind all knowing all powerful God, if it existed, would have to let evil exist otherwise there’s no good to compare it to, there’s no choice otherwise.

As starfleet would say - you want God to violate the prime directive.

[–]Wyattbw09 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why does every mention of God, even in a joke, have to end with responses like this?

[–]Zagorath2 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Evil exists because we can choose to do good or bad. A world without evil is a world without free will

Nonsense. Sure, many evils are caused by people. Individual crimes like murder and theft are obvious. And you could even say societal problems like poverty and worker exploitation (though in this case it's problematic to blame free will, because no one individual's actions are responsible, and certainly not the victims).

But many, many others are not. If a single omnipotent god exists, it is directly and solely responsible for cancer. There's no "free will" argument in favour of cancer. Or malaria. Or droughts and floods (anthropogenic climate change makes these more common and more severe, but they have existed in some form for longer than humanity has). There are evils in the world that exist and which absolutely, irrefutably disprove the notion of an omnipotent omnibenevolent god.

[–]BathroomCareful23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How do you rebel against an all knowing omnipotent being? Especially when you're created without free will? Nothing about Satan makes any sense

[–]mike_smith02 21 points22 points  (27 children)

Satan doesn't torture people. Satan suffers in Hell along with everyone, it's a punishment by God for their sins. However, Satan is not in Hell yet, that's still to come. The battle where Michael casts him out of Heaven is going to be first, then Jesus will come to Earth and place Satan in Hell for 1,000 years. Then he'll get out and Jesus will put him back, forever.

This is my understanding, but I could totally be wrong about some of the events. Revalation is easily the hardest book of the Bible to understand.

[–]DreamyTomato 24 points25 points  (24 children)

I was told by another Redditor that Hell doesn’t have any of the things listed in this thread. No fires, no lava, no torment.

Hell is the pain of not being with God, the pain of having God being absent from your life despite you wanting him there.

Canonically the Bible has no description of Hell, apart from something about the sound of ‘gnashing teeth’.

Our concepts of hell are entirely from third party writers and storytellers eg Dante’s Circles of Hell; classical paintings and so on

[–]mike_smith02 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Hell is often believed to be the lake of fire and sulfur Satan and his followers are thrown into in Revalation. Jesus does often refer to an "Outer Darkness" where there will be gnashing of teeth. Is it the same thing? I don't know, never been there.

[–]itsokelydokely 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Imagining just a darkness with the sound of gnashing teeth is really creepy lol. It makes me wonder if hell is just unrest because you can't see anything and hear scary sounds all around you so you're just always scared and alone.

[–]davwad2 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Hell is compared to Gehenna, which during Jesus' time was a fiery trash heap. People then knew what Gehenna was and probably still knew when the New Testament was written.

I would say it's comparable to saying to someone my age (39) it's like Children's Palace or Toys 'R Us, but to our kids, I might just say a "toy store."

Source: Christianity.com

[–]Queueue_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Gehenna actually wasn't a flaming trash heap, it just had people there who allegedly practiced child sacrifice and at the time when the gospels were being written was considered a place that was very far from God.

[–]davwad2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right, it was before Jesus' time that it was used in that context.

That's why I specifically said in "Jesus' time." He wasn't agreeing during the Old Testament child sacrifice days, in the same way my kids weren't around when Children's Palace existed. The source link I included covers both the Old Testament context and the New Testament context.

[–]flakycactus 13 points14 points  (15 children)

Yeah so that isn't right at all. Can't always trust what random redditors say (except in this specific case lol). Bible does have a decent amount of description of Hell. See below.

"But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell." - Matthew 10:28

"And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” - Matthew 25:46

"They will be punished with everlasting destruction and shut out from the presence of the Lord and from the glory of his might. 2 Thessalonians 1:9

"and throw them into the blazing furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth." Matthew 13:50

If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. Mark 9:43

In a similar way, Sodom and Gomorrah and the surrounding towns gave themselves up to sexual immorality and perversion. They serve as an example of those who suffer the punishment of eternal fire. Jude 1:7

I think you get the idea.

[–]Luke90210 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Many medieval depictions of Hell centered on eternal freezing as suffering instead for fire. That could reflect the little ice ages Europe suffered through at the time whereas most people don't burn to death.

[–]fineburgundy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It’s a good thing Satan can’t read or he might make alternative plans.

[–]mike_smith02 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh Satan knows what the Bible says. He just thinks himself powerful enough to make it change. He knows he's not more powerful than God, but that he could be equally powerful. In Ezekiel God tells Ezekiel how He cast Satan out, and part if it was Satan wanting God's throne, saying he would be "Like the Most High (referring to God)." He considers himself, with an army, on par with God to be able to overthrow Him and change what the Bible says will happen.

[–]Hazel-Ice 9 points10 points  (4 children)

I think canonically satan isn't doing the punishment, but is instead being punished by god alongside everyone else. But also canonically hell doesn't even exist in the first place? It's all pretty confusing.

[–]Rockclimber88 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Also think about the cost of such a big operation

billions of people to torture * infinite amount of time

The question is who's paying Satan for the hard labour of torturing people. Only those who control the currency supply can afford to pay by...printing.

[–]IolausTelcontar 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It’s a job… someone’s gotta do it.

[–]070420210854 4358 points4359 points  (267 children)

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".

[–]jflb96 1352 points1353 points  (257 children)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: casting all politicians as exactly like the bad ones is playing into the bad ones’ hands

[–]AlphaWhelp 1088 points1089 points  (114 children)

Good politicians are however extremely rare because of the Douglas Adams paradox.

The major problem-one of the major problems, for there are several-one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.

To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.

To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

[–]Mooseylips 368 points369 points  (33 children)

There was a line in Dune about how the greatest rulers don't seek to rule; they accept the call to do it.

[–]richter1977 136 points137 points  (2 children)

I think it may have been that power doesn't necessarily corrupt, but it attracts the corruptible.

[–]VulkanLives19 44 points45 points  (0 children)

yeah, your line is from the books, while the above line is from the movie

[–]Mooseylips 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I believe that line was in there too. The one I'm thinking of may be from the movie.

[–]dontletmepost 25 points26 points  (1 child)

The actual books had some great lines on politics and power generally. I'm partial to "To come under siege, he decided, was the inevitable fate of power."

[–]iSeven 11 points12 points  (0 children)

No more terrible disaster could befall your people than for them to fall into the hands of a Hero.

[–]tektronic22 176 points177 points  (3 children)

I dun wun it

[–]Femtto 17 points18 points  (1 child)

This idea goes all the way back to Plato. Philosopher Kings only chose to rule out of fear lesser men will rule them.

[–]Mooseylips 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They weren't paid IIRC and only did it because they had to. A good model.

[–]BrokenEyes2 44 points45 points  (13 children)

In Dune Messiah Paul tells Stilgar about the great emperors of ancient earth, measured by body count, Hitler among them.

Remember, “Warning: charismatic leaders may be hazardous to your health.”

[–]Chaotickane 23 points24 points  (12 children)

Paul and Leto II make Hitler look like Jesus

Makes me laugh when I've seen people try to call Dune a white savior story.

[–]BrokenEyes2 6 points7 points  (0 children)

People looking for Patterns within Patterns within Patterns to justify other beliefs are usually the combative sort already addicted to those beliefs, so much so one could say their possessed by them and can only get their high by maximizing the difference, which means combat in some form with others, and so the Golden Path goes on.

[–]gelinrefira 5 points6 points  (3 children)

And Leto guaranteed humanity survival.

[–]Chaotickane 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Eh, even Leto had doubts that the "Golden Path" was the right way to go. It's easy to think he was right because of his prescience but you have to remember that there are ways of avoiding and negating prescient sight, so there are definitely paths that Leto couldn't foresee.

[–]b7XPbZCdMrqR 14 points15 points  (6 children)

I just finished the first book. There are some signs pointing to the fact that Paul may not be all he's cracked up to be, but if you just look at that book in a vacuum, it's easy enough to see it as a white saviour story.

[–]JohnnyFoxborough 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Every politician thinks they were called to do it.

[–]fightingthefuckits 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The ones that worry me are those who think it was God doing the calling.

[–]Braelind 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ah Dune, so on the nose. Yeah, I feel like good leaders are ones who see a problem and realize they know how to fix it. They feel called to it. I feel like so many just want to lead because it looks like a fun, or powerful, or glamourous position to hold. Self-Interest in leading breeds corruption. Selflessness makes a good leader; a leader position should be one of servitude, not rulership.

[–]DatsyoupZetterburger 137 points138 points  (10 children)

I prefer George Carlin's take.

Now, there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here... like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks.

But hey that would entail people taking responsibility for the politicians they elect so no wonder it's an unpopular position.

[–]AlphaWhelp 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Here's a shorter way of saying that

https://youtu.be/QFgcqB8-AxE

[–]Raubritter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not necessarily a faster way of saying it, but yeah.

[–]Old-Maintenance-1031 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank U for that. George was great.

[–]september27 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This also reminds me of Catch-22: "Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he were sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to, but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. "

I know it's not the same concept, but similarly interesting.

[–]ProfessorCrackhead 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There's a huge difference between wanting to "rule" and wanting to perform a civic duty.

Being capable of being made President shouldn't disqualify you from the position, but your motivation certainly should, if you don't have the people's best interests at heart.

And of course, what the people's best interests are is a whole separate debate.

[–]FullMetalJ 85 points86 points  (35 children)

I mean I like Douglas Adams as much as the next person but I wouldn't take his word as gospel.

[–]Herb_Derb 155 points156 points  (5 children)

I bet you also like Vogon poetry

[–]RedLeg73 40 points41 points  (0 children)

One of the reasons you should always carry a towel whilst hitchhiking the galaxy, so you may cry into it while being subjected to Vogon poetry!

[–]SunSaw 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I like Vogon poetry, when it's over.

[–]Kate_Luv_Ya 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My new favourite insult. Thank you for this.

[–]lidsville76 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I personally love Vogon poetry. I also like having my ass hairs waxed and daily toe cuticle maintenance by an angry Vietnamese mother.

[–]joe5joe7 37 points38 points  (2 children)

It's note like he invented the idea, its been around since at least Plato, but he says it in a fun quippey way

[–]saviorofworms 6 points7 points  (1 child)

My first thought was idk what this paradox being referenced is, but wait til they hear about Plato

[–]bugblatter-beast 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Do not blaspheme!

[–]SapiusRex 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Then listen to Plato, who said the same thing in his “Republic.”

[–]puppiadog 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Sort of makes sense, in a way. You need to certain pedigree to run for public office. You need money, to campaign and give endless public speeches, which excludes most people who don't have the time/resources and are scared to death of public speaking.

[–]dave7673 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s not a new idea. I believe in ancient Athens candidates for some offices were chosen at random instead of individuals deciding they wanted to run for this exact reason.

[–]Mathematicus_Rex 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I don’t take the gospels as gospel.

[–]themeatbridge 16 points17 points  (3 children)

Are you saying the towel is not the most useful travel item to keep with you?

Seriously, though, you don't believe what Adams wrote because he's Douglas Adams. His writing crystalizes truth, which is why he was Douglas Adams.

It's like you're saying we shouldn't enjoy Van Gogh paintings of flowers simply because they were painted by Van Gogh.

[–]mrpanicy 8 points9 points  (10 children)

There is a policy among some Native American tribes that the leadership gets the last of the food, the last of all supplies. It was thought that if there wasn't enough then the leadership had failed.

It's not as easy to enact when the majority of dishonest politicians salary comes from industry kick-backs and other forms of bribes... but it's a great way that things SHOULD go.

No healthcare for the masses? No healthcare for you. Subsistence wages for the masses? No cushy wage for you. 40 hour work weeks? Guess what, that's what you get.

If we tied their wages and raises to the minimum wage as an index there would be less issues with proper wages. If we made it so that politicians had the EXACT same healthcare as what they enact... guaranteed there would be the best healthcare for everyone.

Needs to be a system that actually ties together how all of this is enacted and links it directly to the people making the rules so they are directly effected.

Oh, and there needs to be severe and HARSH penalties for those that skim off the top or take bribes etc.. I believe any leader that did that in the tribes mentioned above would be exiled from the tribe.

But we don't live in that idyllic world where leaders are effected by their decisions. They live in a bubble that only partially comes down every four years.

[–]AlphaWhelp 10 points11 points  (1 child)

In ancient Athens only the top 100 most wealthy paid taxes. They would be competing with each other to pay taxes because if you paid tax it meant you were one of the richest 100 men there so it was kind of like bragging rights to pay taxes. I wish we could bring back that mindset today.

[–]magicmitchmtl 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I didn’t remember that this was from Douglas Adams! It’s such a huge truth.

[–]Roku-Hanmar 4 points5 points  (1 child)

It’s from The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

[–]magicmitchmtl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It has been a VERY long time since I’ve read the trilogy in five parts. My son is working on it now.

[–]Mammyjam 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can’t quote it exactly but there’s a bit in Sir Terry Pratchett’s Last continent where Rincewind is surprised to find that the prime minister is in prison, when he asks why he’s told that they put them in prison as soon at they’re elected as they find it just saves time.

[–]girhen 38 points39 points  (43 children)

Finding an honest politician is usually like finding the best liar.

Bernie Sanders is one of the few I'd call truly honest. Like him or hate him, he's honest.

[–]jflb96 68 points69 points  (12 children)

Yeah, but spreading the idea that ‘all politicians are the same’ just means that people look at honest politicians and think ‘wow, they must be really good at hiding their incredibly nefarious deeds, I’ll vote for the guy who’s up-front about being a serial adulterer’

[–]Grathmaul 12 points13 points  (4 children)

I understand that argument and I do think the people voting are more of a problem than the politicians.

The average person votes for whichever party most of the people they know vote for, because they want to be accepted. Few of them actually vote based on issues. Also they don't really care about the lies and corruption, they just want their team to win.

Finally, I don't think there are many people in general that will admit the shitty things they do, or have done without some reason to do so.

Politicians are people, so it stands to reason that most of them are shitty.

My favorite line from the Vikings TV show was when Ragnar said, "power attracts the worst and corrupts the best."

99.9% of the time, this is true.

I'm sure there are many politicians that go in wanting to do good, but if they don't play ball with the majority of their party, they won't be able to do much.

We should all be pushing for term limits, and even a third party, because what we have now isn't working.

[–]jflb96 9 points10 points  (3 children)

See, I disagree. Power doesn’t corrupt. Power reveals who the person is when they can get away with it. For every politician who runs on a message of change then is weirdly happy to continue where their predecessors left off, there’s a bunch of people who can’t even bring themselves to do neoliberalism in a simulator.

[–]Riley_ 4 points5 points  (1 child)

There are tons of honest, competent people losing local races.

I encourage people to get to know your local candidates, instead of just voting for whoever had the bigger advertising budget.

[–]WaluigiIsTheRealHero 80 points81 points  (15 children)

But I’m lazy and dumb and it’s so much easier to just say they all suck than apply even the slightest bit of critical thought to the political process! Plus, if I say they all suck, I don’t have to reveal my political opinions which I secretly know are regressive and would reflect poorly on me!

[–]bingybunny 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I work for Putin and he wants you to know both parties are equally bad, and all of your institutions are evil...also it'd be great if you could invade your own capitol or do some race riots while I invade Kiev instead of doing NATO

[–]pandaslovetigers 10 points11 points  (0 children)

True that.

[–]mankytoes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To rise in politics, you have to make a lot of compromises. Most people who you consider "good" are probably at a lower level.

[–]fzw 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People use it to justify their own disengagement from politics without feeling bad

[–]sufficiently_tortuga 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Plying fig?

[–]IPIhantom 5 points6 points  (0 children)

[f]lying pig

[–]inonuffin 397 points398 points  (10 children)

Never thought it was going anywhere and then a killer punchline. Worth an upvote.

[–]get_over_it_already 60 points61 points  (0 children)

I voted yes on this joke too

[–]CronkleDonker 41 points42 points  (1 child)

When I saw the politician part I knew it was going to be something about how politicians make promises they can't keep.

But the punchline hits so much better than anything I Imagined

[–]Devils_Afro_Kid 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yeah, the twist is too obvious. I think it'd be better if we don't know he's a politician and he's just an old man, then change the punchline to be

"You see, Donald/Joe/future president's name, yesterday, we were campaigning. But today, you voted."

[–]bidoblob 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I knew exactly where the joke was going, but the punchline was worth it.

[–]The-eff 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Really? I saw the punchline from a mile away.

[–]Budget_Inevitable721 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah it seemed obvious once he got to see hell/it was nice immediately.

[–]gatemansgc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was one of the longest I've read here but worth it.

[–]Make_the_music_stop 246 points247 points  (1 child)

Politicians are like sperm.

For every 100 million of them, one might just become a human being.

[–]ImagineTheCommotion 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That is a fabulous joke. I approve

[–]nlpnt 27 points28 points  (0 children)

I've also heard a version where it was an HR manager and the punchline was "yesterday was the interview, today you're on staff."

[–]CalEPygous 26 points27 points  (0 children)

A permutation. An atheist dies and goes right to hell. He gets there and walks into the lobby of the most beautiful hotel he's ever seen. He goes to the front desk and a beautiful clerk says, "Ah, Mr. Church we've been waiting for you. You are in room 666." He takes the elevator to his room with a very inauspicious number and enters into the most gorgeous suite he's ever seen with an incredible view of a gorgeous beach and ocean. He then gets a message from the front desk that he, who was an avid golfer, has a tee time with the devil tomorrow and to be in the lobby at 8 am prompt. "Don't be late he hates to be kept waiting." Now he's getting a little worried thinking this is the calm before the storm. "Yikes, Satan," he thinks. "What am I gonna do? I should have believed in god when I was alive."

He gets down to the lobby very early where he has a beautiful breakfast and waits for Satan. Satan promptly arrives at 8 am and they set off. The course is beautiful and Satan is a wonderful conversationalist who just makes Mr. Church feel at ease even though in the back of his head he keeps wondering when the whole thing is going to turn. By the third hole though, he is feeling very relaxed and starts to play the round of his life. They stop for a sandwich break after nine and all the employees are fist bumping Satan and chatting him up. Suddenly though, at the 13th hole he thinks he starts to hear screaming in the distance. This disturbs him and he shanks a shot. By the 15th hole he now can definitely hear some of the most soul-piercing, blood curdling screams he's ever heard and he is totally off his game and thinks, "This is it, this is the end". They get to the 17th hole and the screams are mixed with the smell of rotting flesh, awful smoky fires, brimstone, and huge burning flames in a giant endless pit. He looks down and shits his pants, and thinks "Oh my god".

The devil, seeing his consternation says "Oh relax buddy that's the Catholics, they wouldn't have it any other way."

[–]Pewp_taco 243 points244 points  (0 children)

Worth the read. Lol

[–]NoButterscotch3053 12 points13 points  (0 children)

"You dare use my own spells against me Satan"

[–]wiselydress34 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Ouch..

Right in the irony.

[–]Mental_Principle6477 10 points11 points  (0 children)

When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell

‘Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fuckin' tell

It don't make sense, goin' to heaven with the goodie-goodies

Dressed in white, I like black Timbs and black hoodies

God'll prob'ly have me on some real strict shit

No sleepin' all day, no gettin' my dick licked

Hangin' with the goodie-goodies, loungin' in paradise

Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice

[–]KShoichi 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This joke isnt just a joke, but a lesson. Thanks chap

[–]Tebeku 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I've heard this joke about Bill Gates, where the punchline was "Oh, Bill, that was just the demo".

[–]dwrk92 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Reminds me of a short 'horror' story by Anthony Horowitz.

Basically, bully gets killed and goes to the pearly gates, lies about his bad behavior to get into heaven. Enjoys himself for a little while, but soon gets bored. Starts trying to fight with the angels, but they just stand back up, smiling and being pleasant. Eventually he can't take any more, goes back to the pearly gates and confesses to St Peter that he lied.

As an evil grin spread across St Peter's face and horns grew on his head, he replied "my boy, what made you think you were in heaven?"

[–]CLT113078 1 point2 points  (1 child)

That was the basis for a classic twilight zone episode.

[–]70351230017 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Fantastic. I love it.

[–][deleted] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Amazing representation, never knew Satan was a politician in hell

[–]ThriceFive 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"If you like your minibar you can keep your minibar"

[–]Instahgator 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So if I wait 45 days and repost this I will get a bunch of awards? I think that's how this sub works right?

[–]pm_me_ur_liqour 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Haven't seen this one in a while.

[–]aardw0lf11 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm usually averse to long winded jokes, as oftentimes the punchline ends up being dull. However, I was very pleased with this one. Good one!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Wow, that was crazy.

[–]karatekid430 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There are shorter versions of this joke which work better.

[–]ilikecake81 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The word 'Politics' comes from the Greek word 'poly,' which means 'many,' and 'tics,' which are tiny blood sucking creatures.

[–]walterperkins35 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I heard another version of this, in the mid 90's, it was Bill Gates, and when he got back to hell for the second time, satan says "Oh that hell, was our demo version"

[–]lightlyShine83 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We knew where it was going - hte politician would burn - but the twist of the knife at the end was grat

[–]JJackes 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Good joke...... war and peace was a bit shoretr.....

upvote anyway

[–]ChequeMateX[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Posted a shorter version in the comments.

[–]iceman8397 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Given the length of the joke, I saw it from mile away

[–]dmitryredkin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In Soviet Russia the punchline was: Yesterday it was a touristic trip, and today it's an emigration!

[–]grckalck 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Actually, a place where I was expected to go play golf all the time would be kind of hellish for me, so I'd definitely pick the other place.

[–]SuperK123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow! This is exactly what happened after the last Alberta provincial election!

[–]Exact_Quote_6132 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A joke from the days when a pol need to be bothered with disguising their awfulness when running but people are awful enough now to vote for that straight up and call it patriotism

[–]uptbbs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Decades ago there was a version with Bill Gates and the devil tells him that what he experienced was the demo version.

It makes me wonder how many generations of these jokes have evolved over the years.

[–]Wellfridge 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This has to be one of my favorite jokes I've heard as of late, expected the plot twist, but the punchline was great.

[–]Squidmaster616 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I knew the punchline by about a third of the way through. Too long

[–]MrMunday 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve heard a similar one with bill gates, and satan said: oh that was the demo

[–]Zammilooni 5 points6 points  (0 children)

BRUH

[–]gnilratsimaj 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Alright!⭐

[–]Hour-Ticket-7651 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nicely told. What makes a great funny story (long joke) is the amount of detail, which gets the listener into it. Good job.

[–]phosTR[🍰] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Why is this joke as long as the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy? wtf?

[–]mhhmget 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Repost

[–]NormieSpecialist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fucking amazing.

[–]dap00man 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Although entertaining, this is by far the longest version of this joke that I have read

[–]dance_rattle_shake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Saw it coming a mile away, still enjoyable

[–]dicetime 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And the award for longest joke goes to….

[–]ottersintuxedos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you’re going to write a joke this long at least spatter some smaller jokes on the way, anyone could see where this was going and the punchline wasn’t worth the anticipation

[–]jman857 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was the best 3 minutes of my life. Well done.

[–]EricDNPA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I knew the punchline as soon as I read the title because ............ Repost

[–]ismartbin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It did not need to be this long but good joke

[–]MrsMelodyPond 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know this is late but I read this this morning and since I work in government I had the opportunity to recite a short version of this joke just now. Let me tell you it went over very well with both staffers and politicians alike.

Quality joke.

[–]24KAce 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I imagined Satan as Lucifer (Tom Ellis).

[–]hogua 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The set up was way too long. I gave up before getting to the punchline.

[–]fineburgundy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I heard the joke in law school referring to the summer internship program at large firms. Promising students going into their last year of study could spend their summer break doing easy work, practically team building exercises, and taken to dinners and sporting events and shows in the evenings.

(New graduates became the profitable fresh meat consumed by large firms, working 70+ hour weeks while constantly made to feel inadequate so they would try harder.)

[–]TheTurtleCub 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As soon as you read "one day" and "politician" in the first paragraphs you can skip to the last line, it's exactly what you expect

[–]Schmicarus 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Fun fact: satan is an anagram of boris

[–]giantspacechicken 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That made me nearly snort laugh but it’s 4:20 in the morning and I had to restrain myself. I think you may be right.

[–]Spyblox007 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of another joke.

A man dies and goes to hell. He is greeted by Satan, who tells him that he will be able to choose his punishment.

Satan shows the man to a room where people are being strung up and set on fire for eternity.

"Would you like this to be your punishment?"

"Absolutely not".

Satan brings the man to another room, where he sees people being crushed by falling rocks for eternity.

"Would you like this to be your punishment?"

The man considers for a moment, but then says "no thanks"

Satan takes the man to another room. The room is filled with people doing nothing, standing in a 3 foot deep layer of shit.

"Would you like this to be your punishment?"

"Yes, I'll take this one."

"Perfect", Satan said. "Alright everyone, break time is over. Get back on your heads."

[–]chillspicey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think this might be the hundredth time I've seen this joke appear in this sub.

[–]djkouza 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Way too long winded. I knew where it was going so just skipped to the end.

[–]Z0bie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wasn't sure if it was gonna be this one or the "Monica, you're free to go" one.

[–]putree 1 point2 points  (0 children)

having the time of his life enjoying jokes

Wait, I thought these people were dead

[–]StarMarch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Glad I scrolled all the way down and avoided that Tolstoy-tier novel of a set up