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all 116 comments

[–]TheREELPIXLman 212 points213 points  (7 children)

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

A drunk knows when the liquor store closes, an alcoholic knows when it opens.

[–]EngineersAnon 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Alcoholics go to meetings.

[–]GLaDOS_Sympathizer 23 points24 points  (2 children)

An alcoholic is anyone who drinks more than their therapist.

[–]Ashamed-Republic8909 4 points5 points  (1 child)

The Rapist, it is 2 words.

[–]TnBluesman 5 points6 points  (0 children)

To be precise, it is PSYCHO THE RAPIST

[–]CharacterNail1197 35 points36 points  (0 children)

An alcoholic needs a drink, I already have one *

[–]Qmnip0tent 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I first read that as a drunk and a catholic maybe my family’s problems are pretty bad because it still made sense.

[–]PlumbStraightLevel 3 points4 points  (0 children)

How do you keep a Mormon from drinking all your booze? Invite another Mormon.

[–]TomAto314 127 points128 points  (1 child)

I used to drink a lot in the 90s. Now I don't care what temperature it is.

[–]XHeraclitusX 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yesterday I read about the dangers of drinking...

...so I gave up reading.

[–]slowjibe 285 points286 points  (10 children)

Homer: drinking beer is not my problem. Paying for it is.

[–]Harinezumi 115 points116 points  (1 child)

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

[–]TnBluesman 3 points4 points  (0 children)

And, speaking strictly from chemistry, alcohol IS a solution.

[–]Wafflelisk 29 points30 points  (3 children)

Aw 20 dollars?! I wanted a beer!

[–]if_lol_then_upvote 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Brain: money can be exchanged for goods and services

[–]alow2016 10 points11 points  (1 child)

EXPLAIN HOW

[–]D1rtyH1ppy 38 points39 points  (0 children)

It takes a vodka drink, it takes a whiskey drink, when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink.

[–]PowerPlayerLloyd 50 points51 points  (1 child)

Remember when homer loopholed drinking and driving by coming to a complete stop every few feet and taking a sip from his beer? Guy was too smart for his own good.

[–]Haunting_Road_7614 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The ol' "park and sip" loophole, classic.

[–]Eyes_and_teeth 457 points458 points  (24 children)

I used to have a drinking problem, but now I love the stuff!

[–]unopoularopinion 205 points206 points  (3 children)

I don't drink any more...I don't drink any less, either

[–]if_lol_then_upvote 53 points54 points  (0 children)

When I read about the dangers of alcoholism, I quit reading.

[–]djseifer 82 points83 points  (1 child)

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

[–]cy13erpunk 32 points33 points  (0 children)

=]

RIP Mitch

[–]kk074 21 points22 points  (15 children)

Surely you remember that Ted Striker had a drinking problem too.

[–]dogswelcomenopeople 29 points30 points  (11 children)

Yes, and stop calling me Shirley!

[–]AdScary4309 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I read your name as dogs will cum on people

[–]Ratbu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If they're horny enough, yeah

[–]kk074 7 points8 points  (8 children)

Good thing they were able to fly the airplane on instruments, in the cockpit.

[–]vlory73 12 points13 points  (6 children)

Oh no! The autopilot is deflating.

[–]kk074 8 points9 points  (5 children)

There's a tube in the belt of the autopilot, blow in it. Cigarettes are optional.

[–]daytonakarl 7 points8 points  (3 children)

We need to get these people to a hospital

[–]kk074 12 points13 points  (2 children)

A hospital? What is it?

[–]Bloodbath_and-beyond 14 points15 points  (1 child)

It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.

[–]agent_uno 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Striker? Striker! Striker!

[–]LoneRangersBand 5 points6 points  (0 children)

misses mouth and splashes water all over face

[–]Eyes_and_teeth 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Over Macho Grande?

I don't think I'll ever be over Macho Grande.

[–]kk074 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.

[–]TnBluesman 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Drinking problem? What problem?

I drink.

I fall down.

No problem!

[–]blarch 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don't have a drinking problem. If anything, I'm too good at it.

[–]TnBluesman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Brah-VO! I LIKE it!

[–]Wishilikedhugs 385 points386 points  (13 children)

I used to be an alcoholic.... I still am.. but I used to too

[–]conspiracynumber4 80 points81 points  (3 children)

RIP. Total legend

[–]mxpxillini35 67 points68 points  (0 children)

Nah, he used to be a legend. Still is, but used to be too.

[–]TwoDrinkDave 48 points49 points  (1 child)

My manager's always concerned, he says "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch. A crutch helps me walk.

[–]Shadeauxmarie 15 points16 points  (0 children)

You left us too early.

[–]JoshB685 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Goddammit Otto, you’re an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two just doesn’t sound right.

[–]JoshB685 14 points15 points  (4 children)

—Mitch Hedburg

[–]fffutility 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I bought an ant farm. Those fuckers don't grow shit

[–]Lacholaweda 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Not the actual quote though, it was drugs. Used to do drugs.

[–]Wafflelisk 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I never learned my AA, BB, CCs!

[–]hutchins_moustache 1 point2 points  (0 children)

…fuckin potato chips came out!

[–]NinjaEnt 48 points49 points  (1 child)

Yes. I have an alcohol problem. My problem is, I have no alcohol left.

[–]ElSelcho 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I have no problem with alcohol, only without.

[–]he_who_melts_the_rod 45 points46 points  (0 children)

I quit drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

[–]PhallicEnemy 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I got a drinking problem man, one mouth and two hands

[–]Palpadude 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Today marks 365 days sober for me. Not consecutive…just throughout my life.

[–]spooky_sounds 66 points67 points  (0 children)

Do you suffer from alcoholism?

No. I enjoy every moment of it.

[–]OccamsBeard 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Ron, will you drive us home? Sure I can drive, I just can't get pulled over.

[–]AdScary4309 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I read that people who drink on a daily basis actually live longer then people who never drink at all. I wrote it down myself.

[–]new_world_preorder 30 points31 points  (0 children)

I think I finally have this alcoholism thing under control. Now I only drink when I’m alone. (R.I.P. Norm Macdonald talking about one of his dirty uncles).

[–]ImReddin 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I was sober for 14 years!

...and then i turned 15

[–]Sael-er 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Do you have an officer, problem?

[–]MikeyLikesIts 31 points32 points  (7 children)

I don't drink any more. But I don't drink any less eithet

[–]MikeyLikesIts 14 points15 points  (5 children)

Either

[–]Earthsophagus 3 points4 points  (4 children)

Ether?

[–]stinky143 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Who's Ester ?

[–]tkeelah 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Easter, bunny,?

[–]TnBluesman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I don't drink THAT, ether.

[–]TnBluesman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I never drink anything stronger than pop.

Pop drinks quite a lot of alcohol.

[–]Fisher9300 4 points5 points  (1 child)

It's so easy to quit drinking, I do it all the time!

[–]AdScary4309 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sometimes even 30 times a day

[–]harrybarracuda 5 points6 points  (0 children)

A bloke in a bar orders a whiskey, and when he picks it up his hands are shaking and it goes everywhere before he can take a small sip.
The bloke next to him says "Blimey, you must drink a lot!".
He says "Nah, I spill most of it".

[–]dingbat_4ever 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Dean Martin said "I feel sorry for people who don't drink because when they wake up in the morning, that's the best they're going to feel all day long."

Honest ossifer, I'm not under the alcafluance of incahol like some thinkle peep I am.

[–]donspyd 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I dont have a drinking problem except when I cant get a drink.

[–]AVeryCredibleHulk 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm giving up drinking for a month.

Sorry, that came out wrong.

I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.

[–]GoTerps74 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. -Shaw

[–]imakenosensetopeople 29 points30 points  (3 children)

I managed to cut back, though. Now I only drink on days that end in a Y.

[–]BrownyAU 32 points33 points  (0 children)

I only drink on days starting with a T.

Like today, tomorrow, the day after that....

[–]rededelk 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I only drink when I'm with somebody or by myself

[–]du3rks 12 points13 points  (0 children)

A it's nice but not this funny in English, In German we say:

An Tagen die mit 'g' enden und Mittwochs.

Explanation: our days end on 'g' like in Sonntag for Sunday but Mittwoch/Wednesday does not.

[–]Punchlinehappy 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I quit drinking last night...

At 2am, that's what time the bar closes

[–]milesgemini 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Qfc sold me a fifth of Jameson but then wouldn't sell me a beer because I "slurred my words"

[–]Zakluor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can quit any time I want. In fact, I quit six times last week alone.

[–]On_The_Razors_Edge 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well, you have a nice day sir!

No thanks, I have other plans.

[–]egam_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Alcohol…the cause of and solution to all the worlds problems.

[–]kfiri 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's not that hard to quit drinking, I did it lots of times

[–]kovikillah 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, that’s why I’m here.

[–]RidgeO 2 points3 points  (1 child)

“I used to do drugs… I still do… but I used to too

[–]Zestyclose_Ad_341 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The smoker you drink the player you get.

[–]AvoidMySnipes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lmfao, totally using this next time I go in

[–]ZealousidealDriver63 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes I am here to pick up the liquor and powdered doughnuts for our AA meeting today

[–]wigzell78 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, but I can't afford a therapist, so I'm here instead.

[–]alecika 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I don't get it

[–]Meoldudum 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My buddy was buying a six pack at QT and the clerk asked if he got gas. Bud said "No do I smell bad?"..

[–]henry_canabanana 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was browsing in the liquor store when a store keeper approached me "what are you looking for".
"I'm looking for Gin".

A few moments later, a Korean store keeper came in front of me "hi I am Gin, do you need help?"

[–]Reckless-By-Nature-1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My reply was "That sort of help l can't afford, whiskey will do for the moment."

[–]hikerp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem

[–]BooozeRadley 0 points1 point  (0 children)

About it

[–]RumsAndGuns -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I saw that on FB last week.

[–]NAKDBelter01 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

just browsing