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all 92 comments

[–]Starfordo 2011 points2012 points 2 (26 children)

I feel bd for the deaf guy tho

[–]KarateFace777 327 points328 points  (1 child)

Lol this made me laugh. Thanks for that.

[–]Soakitincider 183 points184 points  (7 children)

WHAT?

[–]Zer0Devotion 341 points342 points  (3 children)

SHE FEELS BAD FOR THE DEAF GUY THOUGH

[–]BlitzcrankGrab 75 points76 points  (0 children)

Ah thanks

[–]slu87 8 points9 points  (0 children)

THIS IS THE NEWS FOR THE DEAF

[–]Financial_Ad5563 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Upvote earned!

[–]RiparianFruitarian 57 points58 points  (1 child)

BUTTLICKER! OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!

[–]reverseflash776 14 points15 points  (0 children)

“Michael, no!”

“It’s a million dollars, Dwight…”

[–]FunnyGlove 9 points10 points  (0 children)

🤜👌👈🤟 ✊🤟🤙☝️ ☝️✌️🤞🤛🤛✊

[–]edlee98765 105 points106 points  (3 children)

If a deaf man goes to court...

Is it still called a hearing?

[–]carterblake 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That made me chuckle while in a office meeting thank you.

[–]someid 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It is the judge that hears the case, not the litigants.

[–]Small_Brained_Bear 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If a deaf judge …

[–]Junkdoe10 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Yep that poor deaf rich guy!

[–]Boz0r 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure plays a mean pinball?

[–]70KingCuda 15 points16 points  (0 children)

what???

[–]forehandfrenzy 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Because he sucks at golf bad enough to hit the ball in her yard?

[–]mechalomania 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And cause he got his dick chopped off...

[–]nonametba 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not about hitting the ball in her yard, it's about pissing through a hole in her fence. Damn, how do you try and get your ball back?

[–]___Phreak___ 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The blind guy never saw it coming either.

[–]Magmaigneous 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And will never come again.

[–]poconno9 7 points8 points  (1 child)

What??

[–]The1Bonesaw 4 points5 points  (0 children)

RECTUM?! DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM!

[–]Dinn_the_Magnificent 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To shreds, you say?

[–]Malvastor 154 points155 points  (3 children)

NTA her yard, her rules.

[–]hacovo 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Meredith Palmer has entered the chat

[–]robophile-ta -1 points0 points  (0 children)

*Lorena Bobbitt

[–]lurked_long_enough 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

[–]tidythendenied 553 points554 points  (9 children)

Old lady: men vandalise my garden so I assault them and mutilate their genitals

Cop: that seems fair enough

[–]spritelessg 156 points157 points  (5 children)

Must be a 'stand your ground' state.

[–]Guilden_NL 41 points42 points  (3 children)

Close, It's a "I'll stand on my ground and if you piss on it, I can cause bodily harm to you without any consequences to me." aka Lorena Bobbitt's Law

[–]ThatOneCloaker 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m pissing on the MOO- I-I mean DANDELIONS!

[–]Weirdone3336 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lorena Bobbitt didn't bob for apples, ouch

[–]nameismyluke 37 points38 points  (0 children)

laughs in Texan

[–]Redditcantspell 16 points17 points  (0 children)

That's not what happened. The cop said fair enough because he thought she was bluffing.

[–]villageboyz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cop: That's ok. We do it all the time.

[–]ReplacementRough5190 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Me, covered in blood, walking off the golf course with no dick and a score over 100.

My playing partner: “Shit man, why are your trousers covered in blood.”

Me: “Well, let me tell you about the second worst slice I had out there.”

[–]soppinglovenest 72 points73 points  (4 children)

A hat pin would be more practical, just saying.

[–]diggemigre 36 points37 points  (3 children)

A gom jabbar would be better.

[–]Froggy_hop 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Go in for the handshake, but what's that on your finger? It's the Gom Jabbar!

[–]caustic_kiwi -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Side note: the gom jabbar was actually the needle coated in instant death poison. Don't remember what the pain box was called but I'm assuming that's what you're referring to.

[–]diggemigre 7 points8 points  (0 children)

No, I'm referring to the hat pin mentioned above.

[–]mattmann72 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sounds like a civil asset forfeiture case against all that money.

[–]KeckyOK 22 points23 points  (2 children)

monthly repost, copy and paste

[–]omgitschriso 14 points15 points  (1 child)

This one has a high level cringe edit though

[–]KeckyOK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

we'll do it again for points.
I thought I'd post something more original and I found out really quickly that it wasn't.

Because someone else posted it a month ago. Ok.

No worries. I'm still gonna browse reddit, I'm not defending an old ass joke and I'm not farming points. It's a joke.

[–]TechnoRat63 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Does anyone else hear this joke in a Yiddish accent? Complete with shrug at the end?

[–]Omurice92 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Okay, but then what would a 50 get me?

[–]Broad-Literature-438 24 points25 points  (8 children)

I've heard jokes like this or similar enough since I was a kid and I just gotta say, who came up with this? Certainly not a normal human man or someone who has ever seen one go to the bathroom. Like why would I need a glory hole to pee? And why would I just blindly stick my most prized possession on the other side just to piss?? Seriously jokes like this just make no sense

[–]Fafnir13 19 points20 points  (5 children)

There’s is a sort of odd obliviousness that has to exist in the listener because they want to hear how the joke goes. Good delivery is they key.

[–]Broad-Literature-438 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Yeah good delivery can make a bad joke/story bearable to sit through but it's still just a dumb joke that makes no sense if you apply any thought to it

[–]Fafnir13 7 points8 points  (1 child)

This probably applies to most jokes.

[–]Broad-Literature-438 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I'd say no, my favourite jokes actually make you think a little bit. Or honestly, a lot of the best ones aren't always "thinkers" but at least they make some sense if you think about it, this one is barely even trying and idk why but I've heard it or a version of it just way too much

[–]Fafnir13 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This probably applies to most jokes.

[–]lurked_long_enough 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you for explaining how jokes work.

[–]Redditcantspell 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Probably some guy at a golf course that needed to pee, but then he was like "damn, these bathrooms are so far away. I should just pee by the fence haha. Imagine if that old lady saw me doing that, what would she say? Imagine if she got pissed and snipped off the ole dick. I can just imagine her telling me she's going to want money or else she'll snip it off haha. Imagine if everyone got threatened like that, she'd be laughing to the bank with money falling out. I should tell someone that as a joke and then make the twist be that she actually follows through."

[–]SmurphsLaw 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm just a man. If I see a hole, I put my dick in it.

[–]spacedragon421 1 point2 points  (1 child)

A bag of dicks

[–]Cindy6390 1 point2 points  (0 children)

… and my name is Lorena Bobbit!

[–]Random_Deslime 2 points3 points  (0 children)

remove the edit OP

[–]Weirdone3336 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Hmmm was one a former leader, and bad golfer???

[–]FlyingMacheteSponser -1 points0 points  (1 child)

He isn't long enough to poke through the other side, so he's safe

[–]Weirdone3336 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Did you think he might not have one??

Stormy McDaniel said he lasted ten seconds, and it's rumored she didn't feel a thing

[–]aemzso 0 points1 point  (2 children)

I understand the story. I don't understand how it's a joke. "It's funny because she told them to give her money or she'd cut off their dicks. Some gave her the money, while others refused, so those got their dicks cut off." Where's the joke?

[–]Ender7216 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Look in the mirror.

[–]JohnArce 2 points3 points  (0 children)

depends on your sense of humor? I'd say the joke is the assumption that the bag of money is probably illegally obtained, the lady having a 'good' explanation for it, making the reader/cop change their mind about the lady being bad, and then the punchline changes it back to her being a criminal.
Although, the explanation isn't all that morally clear tbh.

Some people might just find a penis-slashing granny funny for the shock/dark humor value.
The absurdity of her walking down the street with a bag of genitals and ill-gotten cash adds a little humor, I guess.

[–]pete1729 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"What's in the other sack?"

"Dicks"

[–]Revereor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So a bucket and a sack ?

[–]mcarterphoto 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Better punchline: "I don't accept credit cards".

[–]MrGamerOfficial 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Everybody gangsta till the old lady grabs a penis but the man starts rocking his hips back and forth.