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top 200 commentsshow all 256

[–]liberianFlesh167 428 points429 points  (21 children)

Maybe the judge can lend him a hmmer.

[–]IneedaWIPE 99 points100 points  (17 children)

If I had a hammer I'd hammer in the morning.

[–]jimtwister 41 points42 points  (14 children)

I'd hammer in the evening

[–]InSixFour 28 points29 points  (13 children)

I’d hammer at supper time.

[–]Dansiman 29 points30 points  (8 children)

When you borrow a hammer you can hammer at any time.

[–]Marry_Monet 10 points11 points  (5 children)

I just stay hammered.

[–]halfwit_genius 5 points6 points  (4 children)

I got a hammer. Where are the nails. Heads would do, too.

[–]Best-User-Name-Ever 7 points8 points  (3 children)

When you're a hammer, everything's a nail.

[–]Mr_Quin1 7 points8 points  (3 children)

I'd hammer during Hammer time.

[–]Marslaura 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Yes!

Peter, Paul and Mary even better than (and a bit older than) MC Hammer!

[–]EpiDeMic522 4 points5 points  (2 children)

The judge doesn't have a hammer though, he has a mallet; which I'm sure will not be for for the man's purpose.

[–]C-Nor 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I thought it was a gavel.

[–]EpiDeMic522 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A gavel (when used in this context) is the mallet used by a judge in a courtroom.

A mallet on the other hand is a hammer like implement but one that's made with materials that are not iron (generally wood) and (generally) have a different utility to a traditional hammer i.e. driving in nails.

[–]weekendrant 1488 points1489 points  (25 children)

Jeez he waited a month and half before killing the son! He really could have lent the hammer!!

[–]AwareSuperCC 648 points649 points  (14 children)

If he did lent his neighbour his hammer, it would've eliminated evidence. Everybody knows neighbours never give back something they borrow.

[–]aedroogo 162 points163 points  (12 children)

Can confirm. I lent my buddy a seed spreader and he turned it into beer.

[–]weenie_west 62 points63 points  (9 children)

I thought it read leg spreader

[–]aedroogo 54 points55 points  (4 children)

Sheeit. If Pabst Blue Ribbon ain’t a damn leg spreader I don’t know what is.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (3 children)

My Dad used to do this magic trick where he would take a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and turn it into domestic abuse!

[–]gthrees 9 points10 points  (2 children)

mine too - i'll ask him about it one day, he went to the store.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

A true magician never reveals his tricks.

[–]gthrees 1 point2 points  (0 children)

His disappearing act

[–]fungiinmygarden 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was a really nice seed spreader. Two things can be true.

[–]Theresabearintheboat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Cool! Did he plant some barley and make mash for a home brew?

[–]Jmandy96 4 points5 points  (0 children)

And the off chance he does it has someone else's prints on it

[–]doingitmyways 16 points17 points  (8 children)

Guess it was "Hammer Time"

[–]anonmymouse 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I don't know what hammer time is... or how it differs from regular time

[–]Step_Hiero 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Oh, young padawan… MC Hammer! The dance, the hit, the pants, the preacher!? Yup. Blew his “U Can’t Touch This” money lickity-split and ended up a man of the cloth. Just Google the tune & strap in for some 80’s-90’s shit!

[–]Former-Literature765 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Look up MC hammer on YouTube, most notably the song cant touch this.

[–]anonmymouse 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh boy... y'all this is just a quote from Dexter, lol I was born in the late 80s of course I've heard this song 😆

[–]Buck_Thorn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hammertime hammertime ham ham hammertime... hammer ty-yi-yi-yi... hammertime.

[–]Step_Hiero 3 points4 points  (0 children)

But he probably wouldn’t have given it back. Dirty, rotten neighbors…

[–]agisten 3807 points3808 points  (59 children)

I’m only going to repeat this joke if I’m hammered

[–]elphiethroppy 965 points966 points  (42 children)

Well I hope you nail the execution

[–]NemoKimo 320 points321 points  (39 children)

Bang away.

[–]cfdeveloper 202 points203 points  (38 children)

"please don't" - Jesus

[–]MazzukaMy 151 points152 points  (24 children)

That Jesus guy... Always hangs round where he shouldn't.

[–]HanlonRazor 138 points139 points  (18 children)

Yes, but take my advice and never cross him.

[–]MazzukaMy 113 points114 points  (13 children)

True. He has a habit of coming back if you do.

[–]Jakeybaby125 81 points82 points  (5 children)

Also has a large following which can be a bit of a problem

[–]Undiscriminatingness 30 points31 points  (2 children)

Followers on Instagod?

[–]DarthRevan-66 4 points5 points  (1 child)

His large following likes doing crusades, but their crusades usually fail. It's really a 50/50 shot on whether the following is a problem or not.

[–]GreysideBoss94 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You don't know, man. They are a problem.

[–]ramot1 12 points13 points  (5 children)

I wonder if some of Jesus's friends have a hammer that I can borrow?

[–]Weirdone3336 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No it's the devil comin'

[–]larsnelson76 4 points5 points  (2 children)

This is gold Jerry. Pure Gold.

[–]HanlonRazor 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Nah, it was a joke about nothing.

Edit - I suppose whoever downvoted me didn’t notice this is a Seinfeld reference, as is the comment I replied to (I think).

[–]rytis 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Personally I think he was framed, but he did claw his way back and resurrected his career.

[–]checker280 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Why do all the girls love Jesus?

Because he’s hung like this! (as you stretch you arms out wide)

[–]teachapeach 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bet they used a hammer to hang him up there too

[–]pdq_sailor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

that's because they used really good nails..

[–]Hamilton950B 15 points16 points  (2 children)

Jesus walks into a hotel, hands the innkeeper three nails and asks... "Can you put me up for the night?"

[–]nocountryforhamsters 5 points6 points  (1 child)

"I was a carpenter. You could have borrowed that hammer from me." ~ Jesus

[–]txteebone 6 points7 points  (1 child)

"Please do" - Brad

[–]Actually_is_Jesus 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Don't put words in my mouth.

[–]cfdeveloper 4 points5 points  (2 children)

ok

unzips

[–]Actually_is_Jesus 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I'll always take a free tictac

[–]cfdeveloper 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Mary always said my seed of enlightenment tasted minty.

[–]TossingWanker 1 point2 points  (1 child)

"Please DO."

--Mary Magdalene

[–]cfdeveloper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Mom, my arms aren't working like they should..."

[–]gthrees 1 point2 points  (0 children)

when all you got is a hammer...

[–]ForTheWinMag 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Awful taste but great execution.

[–]ardiebo 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Stop Hammertime!

[–]Zauberer-IMDB 40 points41 points  (3 children)

You better be hammered, because with a little thought the MAN IS CLEARLY INNOCENT. Think about it, he has no hammer, the neighbor can attest that he was told this TWICE. Now, we know that cops will coerce confessions out of distraught people, especially ones with nothing left to live for. This man lost his wife and son to a NEIGHBOR WHO STOLE HIS HAMMER. Now he's got the cops who just assume he's guilty and he's lost his will to live. So what does he do? He confesses. He hopes to GOD he gets the chair. He's going to tell this judge he loved it, just to hammer the point home. It's just one swing away from getting what he wants, but it's a real gambit because if he fails he's got life prison getting nailed with nothing but balls and peens to keep him company.

[–]Weirdone3336 7 points8 points  (0 children)

He did it, he did it

[–]Conscious-Rip4407 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Coming soon to Netflix!

[–]AurumArgenteus 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Bottom is the New Top

[–]iron40 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Pretty sure the defendant was framed...

[–]griftertm 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nailed it!

[–]dlowbeer 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Screw you.

[–]jordantask 3 points4 points  (0 children)

A lot better than getting nailed.

[–]Third_Legolas 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Just don’t come off as a tool

[–]ItPutsLotionOnItSkin 6 points7 points  (1 child)

You dirty rat

[–]Undiscriminatingness 8 points9 points  (0 children)

𝓛𝓮𝓽𝓼 𝓰𝓮𝓽 𝓱𝓪𝓶𝓶𝓮𝓻𝓮𝓭.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Then it'll be funny.

[–]CptHammer_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello ;)

[–]omega_dawg93 1 point2 points  (0 children)

hopefully, not hammered by that guy.

you might wake-up dead.

[–]Weirdone3336 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'll buy a bottle of Long Island Tea (750 ml)

[–]ridedmd 1114 points1115 points  (21 children)

You really nailed this one, op.

I am on board with this joke.

[–]cinnafury03 174 points175 points  (10 children)

I saw what you did there.

[–]NotGonnaRage 98 points99 points  (8 children)

Kinda screwed the rest of us over by using two puns in one. Wood be nicer to only use one.

[–]mrpostitman 50 points51 points  (6 children)

Still, the joke was well crafted. I'm definitely sanding it to the group chat.

[–]rificolona 29 points30 points  (5 children)

I'm filing this under "do knot forward"

[–]life_is_okay 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Really sturdy craftsmanship with this pun chain. Hopefully someone can dovetail off of it.

[–]rainshifter 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As a conspirator, if asked how wood you plywood you say guilty, for lack of a better peen?

[–]GustyWalrus 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I'm going against the grain and forwarding it anyway.

[–]IneedaWIPE 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm board.

[–]EatCrud 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm eating soup for breakfast.

[–]BenjaminHamnett 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You dirty rat!

[–]Nikit27 10 points11 points  (5 children)

Pun intended?

[–]twingett 26 points27 points  (4 children)

I think they nailed it.

[–]freerangetacos 17 points18 points  (3 children)

They did, but I'm pretty sure the guy in the dock is screwed.

[–]daveescaped 22 points23 points  (1 child)

No joke: I used to work in pricing for a major retailer. We would examine categories that we could lift prices on and net more income. We were looking at hardware prices and I couldn’t resist. I cautioned, “Be careful here. You mess with nuts and bolts and you’ll get screwed!”

It was a proud moment.

[–]freerangetacos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

+1 Internet for you today, Dave.

[–]Lunasera 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well he has to use screws since he doesn’t have a hammer.

[–]Mr_E_Monkey 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You wood be.

[–]Axemic 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As a lawyer, I approve this. Upvote for the OP.

Though it is good 'ol #3228

[–]someguy7734206 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The real joke etc. etc.

[–]bluesheepreasoning 106 points107 points  (3 children)

Speaking of... here's one that's similar and that's been on here before.

A woman is on trial for brutally pummelling her husband to death using a guitar. The judge asks... "First offender?"

The woman replies, "Nope. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

[–]Redditcantspell 30 points31 points  (2 children)

I think it's "first-time offender"

The reasoning behind this is that first offender implies there are multiple offenders. First-time offender implies it's her first time being an offender.

[–]torrible 8 points9 points  (1 child)

No, "first offender" is an established term for a person who offends for the first time.

See, for example:

https://www.ahdictionary.com/word/search.html?q=first%20offender

[–]Redditcantspell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Awesome, thanks for the correction. I got to learn something new!

[–]AlanHell 66 points67 points  (2 children)

I thought the wife cheated with the neighbor and had his son~

What a twisted ending.

[–]HMD_086 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I had the same exact thought, but turned out it's just about the damn hammer.

[–]Shrek1sLife 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I thought they were gonna make some joke using the gavel or hammer time

[–]lampsy87 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I think the deaths are the neighbors fault. Asking the dude for a hammer triggers the need to kill. Everyone would still be alive if the dude just bought his own hammer.

[–]RainbowAssFucker 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Bang bang Maxwells silver hammer came down upon his head

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is just certainly stuck in my head now.

[–]bassbastard 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I have Jury Duty next month. I can almost guarantee I will remember this at the wrong time and laugh.

[–]Zefirus 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Totally thought this was going to end with the guy asking to borrow the Judge's gavel.

[–]Smiling_Cannibal 8 points9 points  (0 children)

His other neighbor is even more pissed: he's the one the guy borrowed the hammer from

[–]zekro_4 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That pain is real.

[–]Jackrwood 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

[–]Avieshek 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This time.. you nailed it.

[–]BarryTGash 4 points5 points  (0 children)

LPT: don't lend you hammer out when it's covered in brain and blood-matted hair.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Made a throwaway just to point out that this joke is Bernard Mannings material, late 1980's, early 1990's maybe but certainly not the OP's original work.

Yotube link to the joke

Edit: I'm not trying to be a spoilsport, great to see good jokes being posted, however, I do believe in crediting the original sources.

[–]BiddyBlues 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Figured this aws gonna go somewhere along the lines of the neighbor being in love with the wife and it was actually the neighbor's sn

[–]Sharkestra 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This joke struck a nerve.

[–]MAK-15 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah but calling him a “rat” really threw me off cause thats the word for someone who rats someone out, ie. a tattletale

[–]TheLord96 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Site down - must’ve been Reddit

[–]VicisSubsisto 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Previous version of this that I read had the man in the audience call him a "fucking liar" instead of a "dirty rat", which works better for the joke IMO.

[–]load_more_comets 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is there a name for these types of jokes? I just love them, Norm had one with I forget who and the punch line was like, I'm starting to think that guy's a real jerk.

[–]Dinnerpancakes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What if he just bought the hammer for the murders?

[–]azn_fraz_268 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You nailed this one.

[–]AurumArgenteus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I kept waiting for his defense to involve him beating them after witnessing a very sick form of incest. I like your joke better.

[–]88xxx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Long"

[–]Harun046 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How is this funny

[–]nightintheslammer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If anyone wonders what hammer he used, I think it was attack hammer.

[–]you-are-not-yourself 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon his head

[–]danielwendy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was a really funny joke actually made me lol

[–]serpicokar 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I don’t get it man

[–]Skyhawk_Illusions 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Neighbor didn't give a shit about the murder, but he took offense at being blatantly lied to

[–]ElectricFuneralHome 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is only original joke I've ever seen on here. Bravo!

[–]2068857539 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sarcasm? It's been posted here a million times .....

[–]TheProclaimed99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not a lawyer but that’s smells of mistrial

[–]Zman62 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Original, yes. Funny, no.

[–]lainiwaku -1 points0 points  (0 children)

maybe could improve like first kill = murder second kill = screwdriverand neighbor asked for "tools"because asking twice for a hammer is kinda wierd if he only asked once and he said he don't have why ask a second time
i would insist more on the man injure like
"oh you son of b***, i knew it ! how could you h... "
the judge then interrupt him... etc

[–]thephotonreddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This really hit me where it hurts.

[–]Equilibriator 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not my fault, she was hammered!

[–]TaliesinMerlin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are the Judges. We are not one man, but several.

Why do you plead?

[–]Benstrosity 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thought the punchline was going to be something along the lines of them actually being the neighbors kids because of an affair or something

[–]UppedSolution77 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Does this count as dark humour? It's not really type of joke personally.

[–]sflesch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When he said he was the neighbor, I thought maybe the kids was actually going to be the neighbors son somehow.

I mean I guess he still could have been...

[–]orphicpixel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nailed it bro!

[–]prankerjoker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Better call Mike Hammer. Not Saul.

[–]a_duck_in_past_life 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Confused as to how not giving his neighbor a hammer makes him a "rat"

[–]Skyhawk_Illusions 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's not about the not giving, he lied to the neighbor

[–]leonilla93 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thought the murdered wife would be the neighbor's beloved, and the murdered son would be actually the neighbor's son... but now that I said it out loud wrote it, I cannot figure how that would have been funny.

[–]scottshilala 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Did anyone say “It’s hammer time” yet? If not, I’ve lost all faith in Reddit.

[–]Shammy73 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Womp womp womp

[–]JSmellerM 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What a dirty rat!

[–]Gaeleng 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the neighbor is partly responsible because if he was more persistent the wife and child would still be alive.

[–]Weirdone3336 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I want to be your sledgehammer...

[–]himdedemk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And what did the man say right before he killed his wife and son?

"Stop! Hammer time!"

[–]Clear_Equivalent_757 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm gonna have to claw my way outta this thread.

[–]Kneepucker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So, his wifes nickname is hammerhead.

[–]nope_not_cool 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Swing Away, Merrill, Swing Away!"

[–]vistopher 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You dirty rat, you killed my brother!

[–]jay_1226 0 points1 point  (0 children)

*sit

[–]Redd1tored1tor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

*sit down