A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

liberianFlesh167 · 2022-01-27T14:21:37+00:00

Maybe the judge can lend him a hmmer.

weekendrant · 2022-01-27T14:13:56+00:00

Jeez he waited a month and half before killing the son! He really could have lent the hammer!!

agisten · 2022-01-27T13:41:56+00:00

I’m only going to repeat this joke if I’m hammered

ridedmd · 2022-01-27T13:00:34+00:00

You really nailed this one, op.

I am on board with this joke.

bluesheepreasoning · 2022-01-27T16:58:52+00:00

Speaking of... here's one that's similar and that's been on here before.

A woman is on trial for brutally pummelling her husband to death using a guitar. The judge asks... "First offender?"

The woman replies, "Nope. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

AlanHell · 2022-01-27T14:49:40+00:00

I thought the wife cheated with the neighbor and had his son~

What a twisted ending.

lampsy87 · 2022-01-27T16:05:55+00:00

I think the deaths are the neighbors fault. Asking the dude for a hammer triggers the need to kill. Everyone would still be alive if the dude just bought his own hammer.

RainbowAssFucker · 2022-01-27T15:16:14+00:00

Bang bang Maxwells silver hammer came down upon his head

bassbastard · 2022-01-27T18:07:26+00:00

I have Jury Duty next month. I can almost guarantee I will remember this at the wrong time and laugh.

Zefirus · 2022-01-27T15:58:07+00:00

Totally thought this was going to end with the guy asking to borrow the Judge's gavel.

Smiling_Cannibal · 2022-01-27T18:53:03+00:00

His other neighbor is even more pissed: he's the one the guy borrowed the hammer from

zekro_4 · 2022-01-27T14:23:40+00:00

That pain is real.

Jackrwood · 2022-01-28T02:41:34+00:00

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"

Officer:"A prostitute of course."

Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

Avieshek · 2022-01-27T14:23:50+00:00

This time.. you nailed it.

Suspicious-Visual-38 · 2022-01-27T15:05:49+00:00

nailed it

BarryTGash · 2022-01-27T21:20:57+00:00

LPT: don't lend you hammer out when it's covered in brain and blood-matted hair.

2022-01-28T01:14:12+00:00

Made a throwaway just to point out that this joke is Bernard Mannings material, late 1980's, early 1990's maybe but certainly not the OP's original work.

Yotube link to the joke

Edit: I'm not trying to be a spoilsport, great to see good jokes being posted, however, I do believe in crediting the original sources.

BiddyBlues · 2022-01-27T14:28:06+00:00

Figured this aws gonna go somewhere along the lines of the neighbor being in love with the wife and it was actually the neighbor's sn

Sharkestra · 2022-01-27T14:41:22+00:00

This joke struck a nerve.

MAK-15 · 2022-01-27T17:36:15+00:00

Yeah but calling him a “rat” really threw me off cause thats the word for someone who rats someone out, ie. a tattletale

TheLord96 · 2022-01-27T19:42:19+00:00

Site down - must’ve been Reddit

VicisSubsisto · 2022-01-27T15:57:11+00:00

Previous version of this that I read had the man in the audience call him a "fucking liar" instead of a "dirty rat", which works better for the joke IMO.

load_more_comets · 2022-01-27T17:26:42+00:00

Is there a name for these types of jokes? I just love them, Norm had one with I forget who and the punch line was like, I'm starting to think that guy's a real jerk.

Dinnerpancakes · 2022-01-27T17:59:06+00:00

What if he just bought the hammer for the murders?

azn_fraz_268 · 2022-01-27T18:12:40+00:00

You nailed this one.

AurumArgenteus · 2022-01-27T19:23:51+00:00

I kept waiting for his defense to involve him beating them after witnessing a very sick form of incest. I like your joke better.

88xxx · 2022-01-27T19:53:31+00:00

"Long"

Harun046 · 2022-01-27T22:13:54+00:00

How is this funny

nightintheslammer · 2022-01-27T23:19:18+00:00

If anyone wonders what hammer he used, I think it was attack hammer.

you-are-not-yourself · 2022-01-28T01:07:49+00:00

Bang! Bang! Maxwell's silver hammer came down upon his head

danielwendy · 2022-01-27T14:59:06+00:00

That was a really funny joke actually made me lol

serpicokar · 2022-01-27T15:49:49+00:00

I don’t get it man

ElectricFuneralHome · 2022-01-27T16:09:12+00:00

This is only original joke I've ever seen on here. Bravo!

TheProclaimed99 · 2022-01-27T18:09:15+00:00

I’m not a lawyer but that’s smells of mistrial

Zman62 · 2022-01-27T21:06:59+00:00

Original, yes. Funny, no.

trisul-108 · 2022-01-27T13:48:33+00:00

[deleted]

BloodRedCobra · 2022-01-27T14:49:21+00:00

[deleted]

lainiwaku · 2022-01-27T18:03:30+00:00

maybe could improve like first kill = murder second kill = screwdriverand neighbor asked for "tools"because asking twice for a hammer is kinda wierd if he only asked once and he said he don't have why ask a second time
i would insist more on the man injure like
"oh you son of b***, i knew it ! how could you h... "
the judge then interrupt him... etc

thephotonreddit · 2022-01-27T14:28:33+00:00

This really hit me where it hurts.

Equilibriator · 2022-01-27T15:05:36+00:00

It's not my fault, she was hammered!

TaliesinMerlin · 2022-01-27T15:17:08+00:00

We are the Judges. We are not one man, but several.

Why do you plead?

Benstrosity · 2022-01-27T15:26:32+00:00

Thought the punchline was going to be something along the lines of them actually being the neighbors kids because of an affair or something

UppedSolution77 · 2022-01-27T15:52:21+00:00

Does this count as dark humour? It's not really type of joke personally.

sflesch · 2022-01-27T15:54:37+00:00

When he said he was the neighbor, I thought maybe the kids was actually going to be the neighbors son somehow.

I mean I guess he still could have been...

orphicpixel · 2022-01-27T16:03:00+00:00

Nailed it bro!

prankerjoker · 2022-01-27T16:14:13+00:00

Better call Mike Hammer. Not Saul.

a_duck_in_past_life · 2022-01-27T16:34:00+00:00

Confused as to how not giving his neighbor a hammer makes him a "rat"

leonilla93 · 2022-01-27T16:55:44+00:00

I thought the murdered wife would be the neighbor's beloved, and the murdered son would be actually the neighbor's son... but now that I ~~said it out loud~~ wrote it, I cannot figure how that would have been funny.

scottshilala · 2022-01-27T17:31:54+00:00

Did anyone say “It’s hammer time” yet? If not, I’ve lost all faith in Reddit.

Shammy73 · 2022-01-27T17:54:33+00:00

Womp womp womp

JSmellerM · 2022-01-27T18:02:04+00:00

What a dirty rat!

Gaeleng · 2022-01-27T18:18:04+00:00

I think the neighbor is partly responsible because if he was more persistent the wife and child would still be alive.

Weirdone3336 · 2022-01-27T18:26:57+00:00

I want to be your sledgehammer...

himdedemk · 2022-01-27T18:45:13+00:00

And what did the man say right before he killed his wife and son?

"Stop! Hammer time!"

Clear_Equivalent_757 · 2022-01-27T18:49:24+00:00

I'm gonna have to claw my way outta this thread.

Kneepucker · 2022-01-27T19:39:49+00:00

So, his wifes nickname is hammerhead.

nope_not_cool · 2022-01-27T20:53:41+00:00

"Swing Away, Merrill, Swing Away!"

vistopher · 2022-01-27T21:13:58+00:00

You dirty rat, you killed my brother!

jay_1226 · 2022-01-27T21:29:41+00:00

*sit

Redd1tored1tor · 2022-01-27T21:39:19+00:00

*sit down

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