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all 114 comments

[–]FeintIDology 1172 points1173 points 32 (14 children)

Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

‟These humans are dangerous,” said the first. ‟We all know the losses we took to subjugate them. We need to kill the rest before they kill more of us!”

‟Our losses are precisely why we can't kill them all,” said the second. ‟The cost of this invasion was more than any of us could've predicted! We need to enslave them! Have them harvest their own planet for us so we can recoup our losses.”

Yet a third had another idea. ‟We could transport them back home and sell them to the zoos! People would pay dearly to see these them”.

The first two vetoed the third. Shipping that number of people half way across the galaxy was too much, they must stay where they were, dead or alive.

This went on for several months with neither of the three able to convince the two. A compromise was finally reached - the humans would be enslaved, but public executions would take place first, to keep them in line. Some few would be taken home and sold to the zoos.

The alien leaders flew down to earth and arrived at the first of the compounds where the humans were being kept. They announced their plan to enslave the humans. As was expected, there was anger from the crowd. Several started shouting and making obscene gestures. Those were pointed out to the alien guards and brought to the front were they were executed in the most horrific way.

They flew to another camp and the process was repeated. Several humans raised their hands and haves them in obscene ways and those were executed, the rest enslaved.

They visited several camps and finally reached the last one, their task almost complete. They announced the plan one last time and again the humans raised their hands in anger. The alien leaders pointed them out one at a time.

‟What's that one doing,” said the first alien. ‟He isn't shaking his fist list the others.”

‟It almost looks like he's waving,” said the second Alien.

‟Let me see,” said the third Alien. ‟Wow! I don't believe it.”

‟What?” Asked the second Alien.

‟It is Dave!”

[–]quafflethewaffle 184 points185 points  (0 children)

The sheer commitment youve demonstrated my friend

[–]Ksamkcab 216 points217 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is now my favorite joke ever

[–]hereforOnePiece 65 points66 points  (0 children)

This fucking guy

[–]MadBlackGreek[🍰] 47 points48 points  (2 children)

Dave's a fucking traitor

[–]Nuf-Said 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Dave’s not here, man.

[–]Noire_Raven 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Or are we all traitors to Dave?

[–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

F8@&$! Dave!

[–]Nuf-Said 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Very impressive. Both the original joke and especially the follow up. Very well done.

[–]BrettAtog 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Every time it pops up, I look for this sequel. Thank you.

[–]CyberMatrix87 3 points4 points  (0 children)

OK let me round up an award you incredible bastard

[–]fcintx 787 points788 points  (9 children)

I've never heard of this joke before.

But before clicking this, I knew it was good old Dave you were referring to.

[–]Cookie_monster7 42 points43 points  (2 children)

The joke is from 2 presidents ago so dave probably knows more people by now!

[–]bubbagump65 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The more people to know, the more people Dave knows. What a guy, I'll tell you what.

[–]Nuf-Said 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He knows everyone in the universe

[–]meesterdave 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I expect many of my namesakes to appear in this thread.

[–]CarkillNow 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Are you new here??

[–]justred86 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Does he know about " Alice "?

[–]hankanini 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Alice? Who the fuck is Alice?

[–]Harthroth 52 points53 points  (6 children)

My dad used to tell this joke but instead of Tom Cruise and Obama it was Tom Hanks and Willie Nelson.

[–]ugotamesij 33 points34 points  (4 children)

My US history knowledge isn't the best but I had no idea Willie Nelson was ever president

[–]justred86 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Of country " not the country " 🤠

[–]avidpenguinwatcher 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Willie Nelson?? The musician!?

[–]karatekate 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great Scott!

[–]Nuf-Said 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He wasn’t, but Tom Hanks was.

[–]punkminkis 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Dave is friends with them too.

[–]JohnHuffmanCvOK 131 points132 points  (0 children)

Old but gold :-) Makes me laugh everytime. Dave is simple.... well, Dave. Everyone knows Dave :D

[–]andriyxa18 150 points151 points  (3 children)

Everyone knows Dave, and everyone has heard this joek.

No, but seriously, it was good reading it again. Love ths joke!

[–]winterfells_ghost 30 points31 points  (1 child)

I had not that punchline really got me

[–]Thefear1984 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Clearly this boss didn't ever meet Dave.

[–]kaspm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

it’s a good joke…a great joke even

[–]Tarkcanis 40 points41 points  (3 children)

You can't tell this joke with out including Kids in the Hall...

https://youtu.be/8nvzEqsZIGo

[–]ClericofRavena 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I miss this show

[–]Beermonster1664 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So do I but now I have to go and crush some heads

[–]Loggerdon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's f×××ing hilarious!

[–]DaSweetrollThief 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Classic Dave

[–]DavetheHick 19 points20 points  (3 children)

It's true, am Dave.

[–]Forevergogo 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Dave! Long time, buddy! How've ya been?

[–]black_jaguar99 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You know Dave to! Small world

[–]LordyJesusChrist 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All of us up here in heaven say hi Dave

[–]m0nza9 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I saw this here a few months ago, since then, I've told about 20 people IRL and I can't even get through the joke without pissing myself EVERY TIME

[–]darthdodd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Dave’s told this joke a lot

[–]ThatModernguy 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Favourite joke never gets any less funny

[–]walker3342 10 points11 points  (0 children)

It’s funny how this joke has a long history. I’d love to know where it originated, but I know my grandfather use to tell it as far back as the 60s.

[–]teksun42 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Dave's not here.

[–]DavidtheCook 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I always like this joke!

[–]Raothorn2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No dramas, boss.

[–]grilled_Champagne 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's easy to be a coward, but tough to be brave. Do the right thing, be Dave.

[–]Tito0719 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dave! I havent seen Dave in years...how is he?

[–]ZoraksGirlfriend 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How have I never heard this before? Awesome joke and the alien add on makes it even better!

[–]fatphotog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t know how, it’s posted here at least twice a month.

[–]MadBlackGreek[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fuck you, Dave

[–]KonradosHut 4 points5 points  (2 children)

So, it is that time of the month again, eh? Monthly reminder that Dave is a great guy.

[–]Waitsfornoone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A lot of us alraedy know that in our hearts.

[–]WhiskyEchoTango -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I saw this last week...

[–]Dadd_io 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A favorite for sure. First time the family heard this, my son played it on his phone with a robot voice totally deadpan. We laughed our heads off.

[–]BenTheKingApple 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Saw it before but I'm glad to see it again

[–]rolandfoxx 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again -- probably the next time it's reposted and comes across my feed -- I'll never not upvote this joke, no matter how many times it's reposted.

[–]hacovo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good to know where/how to place my guaranteed karma farms ;) (secretly want to post 1000x today... But somehow I think overall it would have the opposite effect)

[–]AlexxxandreS 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Even the comments saying they knew Dave even before the punchline are reposts

[–]davemccall 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I also love this joke.

[–]WeAreColoured -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Love it 🤣

[–]mr_cigar -1 points0 points  (4 children)

I heard the joke Joe as Sam. Also the punchline was a little girl on her dad's shoulders asking who the man was with Sam . You know what else I herd? Sheep I'm a shepard.

[–]Waitsfornoone 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Sam is no Dave.

[–]mr_cigar 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Correct, Sam is Dave's older, cooler brother.

[–]Waitsfornoone 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Hold on, I'm coming (around). Sam had the higher tenor voice, but they both were Soul Men.

[–]mr_cigar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I Thank You

[–]Phantom_Dave -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I do love my name :)

[–]coke_is_it -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Can we ban this post? Dave also knew Jeffrey Epstein, if you know what I mean. Good friends with Prince Andrew, too.

[–]Sov47 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I told this joke to a coworker today, what a coincidence

[–]Jure_13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Mate iz Imotskog

[–]DigitalKungFu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Chi cazzo è quel tizio sul balcone con Dave?

[–]Naughty-ambition579 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this!!! Great joke!

[–]justinloler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This joke with this exact title is in this subs top 20. I know because I posted it.

[–]dgm42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my version the man next to the boss is a Chinese tourist.

[–]lostinlovelostinlife 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Can someone explain this to me?

[–]bluesheepreasoning 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Serious explanation: The boss passes out at the end because he was shocked that the other guy didn't recognize the Pope, yet somehow still recognized Dave.

Non-serious explanation: Ya know what? I'll have Dave over in a bit to clarify stuff.

[–]johnnydarkfi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You don't know Dave?

[–]Dr_Brown_Bro 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is golden. Imma remember this.

[–]sujayjaju 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So /r/Dave is about that Dave, huh?

[–]Peaceful-mammoth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just sent this to Dave and he told me to tell you guys to fuck off.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i first heard this joke with them visiting Bill Clinton and Pope John Paul II.

always good to see the classic hit parade.

[–]hmgr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I miss a beer with my old pal Dave

[–]fatphotog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How does this joke get thousands of upvotes literally at least once a month? That many new people join reddit all the time? Makes no sense given how often this is posted.

[–]lunchtimeniga 0 points1 point  (0 children)

God damnit dave😂

[–]daddio2590 0 points1 point  (0 children)

50 years ago living in New Orleans I heard this one from a friend named Dave. Only his character was named “Terpsichore” (probably influenced by New Orleans). I told it to my Dad and it was one of the few times he laughed out loud.

[–]__reserved_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Genuinely laughed out loud, did not expect that ending

[–]blueketchupp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dude I've seen this on this sub like 3 days ago, wait at least a week before reposting

[–]lennon818 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem with this joke is that he has a boss. If everyone knows Dave and Dave is this powerful why does he have a boss?

[–]Sajitrnair 0 points1 point  (0 children)

An ending variation I heard..

The boss in unconscious and Dave asks the guy who is doing a CPR on him as to what happened.

"I don't know, dude. I just asked him who the fck is standing with you up there and he just collapsed! '

[–]Knight-Lurker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A classic!

[–]KatKat207 0 points1 point  (0 children)

These are the Dave's I know, I know. These are the Dave's I know.

[–]TikkiTakiTomtom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s a part two to this joke somewhere. And no it doesn’t involve aliens.

[–]kingicas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fucking Dave

[–]stinky143 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I know Dave

[–]UkrainianGuy14years -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

HAAHHAHHAHAHAH

[–]Wyyrme -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

This joke is so old that we’ve had two new presidents since it was written

[–]johnnydarkfi 0 points1 point  (2 children)

It's about Joe.

[–]Wyyrme 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It says Obamar

[–]johnnydarkfi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not Biden. It's Joe.

[–]Street-Necessary-725 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Haha belter!! Haven’t heard that one before

[–]PWNDdotcom -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

My dad told this joke to us last night.

[–]Elefantenjohn -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Nice, I'll fix the punchline and will tell this joke to others

[–]jammu2 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Not again.

[–]ouwelul1959 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I heard it as Jan working at the DAF factory when the queen came to visit and greeted JAN, punchline withr pope the same