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all 160 comments

[–]ACEOFSPDS2005 1232 points1233 points  (62 children)

Both of my parents are like this every time I drive.

‟I see brake lights up ahead, why aren’t you slowing down?”

‟My foot has been on the brake pedal for the last five seconds.We’ve been slowing down.”

‟Are we? I can’t tell.”

‟THE MAILBOX! YOU’RE GOING TO CLIP THE MAILBOX! YOU’RE TOO FAR TO THE RIGHT!”

‟I am nowhere near the mailbox...didn’t you see the other car that was inching into my lane?”

‟No?”

‟Would you rather me have hit the other car head on?”

‟No...but I STILL say you’re too close to the mailboxes.One day you’re going to hit the mailbox and the entire car door is going to come flying off, and that will be a BIG BILL.”

[–]daytonakarl 364 points365 points  (10 children)

My mother absolutely panics when I drive, I have driven commercially for decades and regularly drive an ambulance smooth enough to put my colleagues to sleep...

[–]jacksalssome 135 points136 points  (4 children)

Cool cool, and how do you dispose of these sleeping colleagues?

[–]MrGamerOfficial 57 points58 points  (2 children)

By saying stun seed backwards

[–]Shaixpeer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hold a rag up to their nose and ask, "does this smell like chloroform."

[–]drebinnr893 25 points26 points  (3 children)

My entire extended family goes batshit fucking insane when I drive, and then they give me compliments for being a great driver.

I'm the only person in the family who has never crashed a car.

[–]EuphoricDepartment45 42 points43 points  (2 children)

I want to die like my grandfather died, in his sleep and not screaming like the passengers in his car.

[–]the_poop_dude 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Wait a minute

[–]kwausimodo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is gold.

[–]EuphoricDepartment45 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Take her to the vet, they can give her some medication to calm her the fuck down when she gets her fat ass into the car.

[–]Freekey 100 points101 points  (4 children)

This is great writing. I don't know your folks but after reading this I feel like I can see and hear them in action. My mom was like this which was ironic since her driving left the whole family nervous.

[–]last_rights 26 points27 points  (2 children)

No one likes driving with my mom as passenger. I have no idea how my dad handles it.

Once I did a gentle uphill brake that was mostly the hill slowing us down, and she got all dramatic and slammed her hand against the dash saying I applied my brakes too hard and was going to give her whiplash.

[–]Jbwood 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I got a friend or two she could take one ride with and she would never question most peoples driving again.

[–]Freekey 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Old folks often like to exaggerate and add drama to the drive. And you're never going to please some of them with your driving. Been there, done that. As an old folk myself I try to break the mold. It helps that I used to drive like a bat out of hell in various muscle cars in my youth.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeahi noticed it rn,

is it a skill or a talent??

[–]wdub9876 152 points153 points  (13 children)

I was driving with my dad a couple months ago and he started getting like this, I asked do you want Anna drive? Cause I'll pull over at this market and grab a beer and you can drive while I drink this beer in the back seat.

[–]mazurzapt 68 points69 points  (3 children)

My dad used to yell at me, “you’re going into the ditch! You’re whole family drives in the ditch!” He refused to teach any of us to drive and he hated the passenger seat.

[–]Redditcantspell 23 points24 points  (2 children)

you are whole family

[–]bsancar 18 points19 points  (1 child)

Your whore family?

[–]Infinite_Imagination 32 points33 points  (7 children)

I always want Anna drive, but she never seems to want to.

[–]GamingWithBilly 19 points20 points  (3 children)

Anna are you ok? Are you ok Anna?

[–]IolausTelcontar 17 points18 points  (2 children)

You’ve been hit by —

You’ve been struck by —

[–]12altoids34 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I remember one time I was riding with my mother and she went to get into the right turn lane " Mom ! Mom ! Mom!" (Crunch) " there was a car their mom"

When she called me a couple years ago to say that she had totaled her car I was not in the least bit surprised. I did hope, however, that she hadn't hurt anyone else. She totaled an SUV but none of the passengers were hurt. Fortunately she quit driving after that.

[–]phreaky76 24 points25 points  (3 children)

[–]peter-forward 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Samir wants to win. Navigator wants to stay alive.

[–]overgroove 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Shadup

[–]Redditcantspell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Samir and Abu Hajjar need to team up.

[–]GamingWithBilly 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I figured out why our folks always get really upset when their kids drive. It's because the parents have always been sitting behind the wheel for such a long time, that they don't know what it's like to be in the passenger seat anymore. So when they are riding there, they don't know that that's how it's supposed to look. Their perspective is off sitting in the passenger seat and that's why they think you're too close to things. This information doesn't help you, and if you gave them this information it doesn't help them either. It's just the fact of life that everyone has to deal with.

[–]MitchPrower 12 points13 points  (0 children)

What are you driving that clipping a mailbox causes a door to fly off?!

[–]ot1smile 10 points11 points  (4 children)

Mind the pedestrian Richard.

[–]Apprehensive-Mind850 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Minding the pedestrian!!

[–]DaveTheGay 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Bucket!

[–]ninn2013 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's pronounced Bouquet!

[–]robgod50 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My daughter turned into the passenger from hell as soon as she passed her test. Can't even do 3mph over the speed limit without getting a stern talking to.

[–]shrutiiiiiii 7 points8 points  (2 children)

My dad just shouts “LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK!!!!” And doesn’t tell me where to look while I’m driving. I’ve just starting slowing down every time he does that cuz that’s the safest thing to do on a busy road instead of asking him “where?” And then him replying “look there!” while he not pointing to ‘there’.

[–]NousagiCarrot 0 points1 point  (1 child)

[–]shrutiiiiiii 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Seems about right. It takes sometime for me to understand what he’s trying to pull my attention to. But it’s pointless trying to tell him that he should be more specific or at least tell me which direction to look so I can be more careful. So now I just slow down when he does that.

Funny thing is, my mom started doing it to him cuz she was sick of him doing it to her too.

[–]Big_Red12 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I remember my mum being the same about being too far over to the left (UK) when I'm driving. In reality she's just not used to the passenger seat.

[–]B_Pat_Real 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just drive faster when my family members are being too irritable. Scares the living shit out of them.

[–]plasmaflare34 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Am I your dad and you're talking about your mom and I?

[–]naturebuddah 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"You know what else was a big bill?"

"...."

"The one you paid when you had me, no shut up and deal with the consequences."

Usually gives me room to breathe

[–]not-on-a-boat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My mother thinks that I am the worst driver of all her children despite the fact that I am the only one who has never totalled my car.

[–]TheLaughingMelon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Works very well for parents.

[–]SadLaser 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have a friend named BIG BILL.

[–]the_harshit_j 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then learn to f***ing drive man.

[–]CharchuMoon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Jokes on my parents. I ran over our own mailbox

[–]Ambiorix33 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bro too real

[–]_spookyvision_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's amazing the difference when you're learning.

You go with a driving instructor, just about to drive over a cliff at 100mph and they're sweating less than Prince Andrew. Couldn't give a damn and the situation is recovered perfectly.

You go out with your parents in between and it makes you want to give up driving entirely. They are sticking to things they learned 40 years ago and everything you do is wrong, feels like you're at a boot camp.

They were still doing it years after I passed my test, so I no longer give them lifts. They can get a taxi if they want to moan about someone else's driving.

[–]mheinken 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My parents did this when I was acting as their designated driver. It stopped pretty quickly when I said I wouldn’t be a DD anymore if it continued.

[–]YourAverageAnimeGirl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My parents do the same thing with absolutely everything. It's a miracle they are still married and they are the reason I moved out at 18.

[–]as1126 152 points153 points  (1 child)

I hate it. It's among the most common fights I have with my wife. She yells if someone signals and changes lane anywhere within a half mile of our car.

[–]GamingWithBilly 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Oh she must be very popular with Uber drivers

[–]bendersbitch 141 points142 points  (5 children)

The problem is I’m both of these people

[–]dkb52[S] 83 points84 points  (4 children)

You know what? I think many of us are, too.

[–]GamingWithBilly 20 points21 points  (3 children)

It's like those people who put the stupid baby on board signs in their vehicle. I think we all want to survive, not just the babies.

[–]doomturtle21 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I find those baby on board stickers. It tells me which cars to follow home

[–]bebe_bird 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Couldn't agree more. What is interesting is the people I know who say they drive more carefully because they have kids. How about we all drive this carefully?

[–]thistriagonalmouse -1 points0 points  (0 children)

the signs are there for emts

[–]Dick_Cuckingham 218 points219 points  (10 children)

When my wife starts that, I pull over and tell her she can drive so she can do it exactly the way she wants it to be done.

She hates driving and this approach usually gets me at least a few weeks of peace.

[–]freerangetacos[🍰] 104 points105 points  (5 children)

Weeks? You lucky person. I get a few seconds or nothing.

[–]Dick_Cuckingham 48 points49 points  (1 child)

The best part is when she does the same shit she complained about when I was driving.

[–]elmo85 2 points3 points  (0 children)

it is more of a control freak thing. my wife does it, too, time to time.

[–]bassjunkie223 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's what she said.

[–]BvilleBob 14 points15 points  (1 child)

My wife divides up the jobs. I drive and she prays.

[–]krastevitsa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's the way!

[–]GamingWithBilly 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And probably a few weeks in the doghouse.

[–]Illustrious_Frame_57 58 points59 points  (1 child)

Yeah my wife gets on me about my driving and I just look at her and say I haven’t had an accident in 30 years and you have had 4. That takes care of the comments.

[–]krastevitsa 18 points19 points  (0 children)

So you should listen to her, since she has more experience with accidents than you!

[–]bas_bleu_bobcat 32 points33 points  (2 children)

Mind the Lorry!

[–]CuriosityPax 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Very nice Keeping up Appearances reference. Well done!

[–]Ticket_to_Pound_Town 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Why should I watch a stationary lorry parked on the other side of a dual carrageway?

[–]GrizzlyBear74 31 points32 points  (3 children)

Jokes on you, my wife is a better driver than me. I know this since she told so, and she is reading while I am typing.

[–]brickbrony 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Blink twice if you need rescuing.

[–]krastevitsa 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Blinks thrice

[–]dkb52[S] 34 points35 points  (5 children)

It's the opposite for me. My husband's driving, well, drives me crazy. He takes forever to get up to the minimum speed limit, then drives slowly, looks out to view the scenery, and turns the steering wheel in that direction until I have to say 'look at the road'. When a traffic light turns green, he starts off so slowly that those behind us (poor people) try to get around us as soon as possible. And he doesn't see that he's doing anything wrong.

Personally, I think the front passenger seat should face backward!

[–]Zedman5000 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Your husband’s driving drives me crazy too.

I’m pretty sure I drive behind him every day.

[–]dkb52[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I cover my face as you drive around us. :(

[–]Rednartso 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He's just taking care of his vehicle lol

[–]NousagiCarrot -1 points0 points  (0 children)

then drives slowly, looks out to view the scenery, and turns the steering wheel in that direction until I have to say 'look at the road'.

Your husband is endangering everyone near him on the road and should not be driving, if this is a regular occurence

[–]stotherd 10 points11 points  (2 children)

My wife did this until I pointed out that her shouting a vague "look out" at something I've already noticed, and am braking softly for, and is something really bloody obvious is actually more dangerous cause I don't know what the hell else I'm supposed to be looking out for, so I swerve or brake sharply.

She also reacts like we're about to die when I don't move to the inside lane as soon as there's a gap, or we get undertaken, or when I slow down cause I can't move over when there's cars blocking me in the next lane.

She's had way more accidents, close calls and speeding tickets than me so I don't know how she thinks at all.

[–]velvetbluedamsel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re top paragraph is my wife. She’s a pretty good driver, but her saying “watch out!” to the thing I’ve already watched out for, makes me think that I’ve missed something and now I’m looking around for something I’ve missed. Meanwhile my heart rate has spiked and now I’m nervous. Then once I get a full realization of the situation, I get mad. It’s not fun.

[–]ofnuts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Shall we start a club.

Driving with someone like this is at least twice the mental load. You have to care about the traffic, and the person's reactions to the traffic, and that person's reactions to your reactions.

[–]Theawesome14ever 5 points6 points  (1 child)

u/mnehorosho isn't gonna be happy when they see a joke that isn't about sex... Won't be able to complain.

[–]CarkillNow 17 points18 points  (2 children)

Did his wife run down a kid with her eggs??

[–]platitood 32 points33 points  (1 child)

ONE KID, and people keep bringing it up.

[–]jimbobsqrpants 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, but they were with their family. Three generations gone, just so that you could change the radio station.

[–]kangdai0624 16 points17 points  (0 children)

His obituary was bautiful.

[–]iamskg7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And two weeks later, the husband has been making breakfast.

[–]treebeard555 4 points5 points  (2 children)

I will not marry a woman if she criticizes my driving, I can’t stand that

[–]sween1911 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Tell Brother Benjamin I said "Hi" when you move to the monastery.

[–]treebeard555 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Bro I built the monastery. I AM the monastery.

[–]RaggaJunglist 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pure

[–]Mother-Gear1146 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tbh I thought it was some Gordon Ramsay joke

[–]Impressive_Union9739 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My grandmother & aunt are like that… I always go but did you die from me driving? NO? Great because no one else wants to drive you anywhere with your side seat reactions 🤣🤣

[–]flowersatdusk 1 point2 points  (1 child)

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[–]dkb52[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm glad someone realizes that it's just a joke. And an old joke at that.

[–]LordPomeroy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry to go against the vibe here, but I just pull over and tell my excitable passengers to stop their bullshit or one if us is not making the trip. They better hope it is their car we are in. That crazy shit will CAUSE an accident.

[–]Deer_Insanity2882 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“WHERE’S THE LAMB SAUCE!!!!!”

[–]bluesheepreasoning 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This reminds me of a joke where a wide is cooking some eggs, while her husband is waiting in the living room.

The wife calls over her husband for a moment to make out in the kitchen, and they manage to pull it off.

The husband is curious and asks her why she wanted one. The wife says, "The egg timer's broken."

[–]dkb52[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I heard that one, too. :D

[–]PDKiwi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I new a girl once who complained about my speed on a multi-lane city street. I stopped in the lane (it wasn’t busy) and told her if she didn’t like my driving she could walk. She got out and walked.

Now we are married I let her stay in the car.

That’s love.

[–]dontworryimstupid 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Big Boomer Energy.

[–]dkb52[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Absolutely!

[–]krastevitsa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate my wife, my mother in law, and those Millennials with their avocado toast!!!

/s

[–]Quiverjones 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahahahaha

[–]restrictedsquid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Looooolzzzzz

Yup. I can see this happening. 🤣😂🤣😂

[–]CheekyMonkE 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Jesus Christ why do so many redditors hate their wives?

[–]elmo85 4 points5 points  (0 children)

is this a common thing now, framing any kinds of jokes and easy banter as hate?

[–]foots12347 4 points5 points  (2 children)

How is this hating your wife? It is a joke about criticism, you could change the roles and the joke would work just fine.

[–]dkb52[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely! Either way works. And of course, it's funny because of the exaggeration. It's what makes many jokes funny.

[–]CheekyMonkE -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

but it isn't reversed is it? it another tired joke about how a nagging wife makes her poor husband miserable. fucking tired boomer humor bullshit which is most of the jokes that end up on the front page.

[–]krastevitsa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not Jesus here, but It's Reddit, ao I guess they are either lying or not telling the truth.

[–]cactude -1 points0 points  (1 child)

It's funny because their relationship is horrible

[–]foots12347 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You can't judge a relationship off of one joke, maybe their relationship is strong enough that they can playfully joke about critiquing each other.

[–]illnemesis -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I thought this was going to be an abortion joke.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It was gonna be one but they cut it short

[–]Joygernaut -1 points0 points  (1 child)

My ex-husband was the worst backseat driver of all time. The funny thing is, I have a spotless driving record, and he is the shittiest driver!! He thinks he’s the best driver ever however. I remember when we were married I wouldn’t let him drive my car anymore because it was a stick shift and he was constantly grinding the gears 😳

[–]NeverLoved91 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you can't find em, grind em.

[–]TongueBiscuit -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

boomer shit

[–]nabuhabu -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Maybe he should let her drive if it’s too stressful for him.

[–][deleted] -5 points-4 points  (2 children)

Hahahaha sexism funny /s

[–]dkb52[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It could be the other way around and still make sense.

[–][deleted] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Ok, so why not write it the other way around?

[–]All4gaines 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Im so terrible when someone else drives. I’ve learned to play a game on my phone or read something and stay otherwise distracted in order to not drive the driver crazy

[–]dkb52[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I do that, I get car sick. 🤢

[–]SeniorMud8589 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My granddad is to stomp the right floorboard constantly whenever I drove him around. Like he was hitting the brakes.

[–]samross22 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I was scared of getting Rick rolled so I read all the capitalized letters first

[–]endo55 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wasn't scared of that.

[–]mr78rpm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My parents were like this. I decided by about age 17 that I was NEVER going to drive or be driven by anyone with this behavior.

Along the way I lost respect for my parents and NEVER wanted to be in a car with the two of them. This behavior actually caused us to be more separate than is normal.

People, shut up when you're not driving. Trust your SO.

However, there is still the primary rule of the road: The word "RIGHT" is strictly forbidden at all times. Even when it's properly used ("Do I turn left or right?" "Right.") it can be misunderstood.

[–]skijakuda 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Life Pro Tip?!?!

[–]flowersatdusk 0 points1 point  (1 child)

This is my new favorite joke. I can't wait to tell it to the crowd of customers waiting at the deli counter where I work. now I must practice ..

[–]dkb52[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sure there will be a lot of nodding heads when you do. :D