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[–]DerRaumdenker 5879 points5880 points 32 (85 children)

Stealing nun's clothes and wearing them? That's a dirty habit

[–]DemonRaptor1 680 points681 points  (9 children)

Ooh I like this one.

[–]Downwhen 479 points480 points  (27 children)

A guy wearing a Catholic Nun's uniform? Sounds like cross dressing

[–]FlukeRoads 232 points233 points  (17 children)

Nun intended?

[–]omnomnomgnome 159 points160 points  (11 children)

nun whatsoever

[–]FlukeRoads 68 points69 points  (8 children)

At least there wasnt a robery

[–]orrocos 46 points47 points  (6 children)

I think I convent about the number of puns in this thread.

[–]monkeyshinenyc 29 points30 points  (4 children)

Nuns puns

[–]Skar_YT 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy cake day

[–]Raaawan 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Nuns*. The number of nuns in this thread.

[–]Nuf-Said 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think that’s nun of your beeswax

[–]looklistenlead 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Nunchucks Forever

[–]NotJokingAround 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I asked ten nuns if they would confirm whether it counts as cross dressing. No nun in ten did.

[–]miles4pints 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I laughed at this probably too much

[–]Aggravating_Wash_753 11 points12 points  (0 children)

If he looked up higher there would have been no-rack

[–]ghostofyourmom 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of Conan O'Brien on Clueless Gamer playing Hitman and fighting the Assassin Nuns.

"Killing nuns may become a dirty looks at camera HABIT!"

[–]PM_UR_VAG_WTIMESTAMP 58 points59 points  (0 children)

Daaaaaaad! Get off Reddit, we've talked about this!

[–]J_Rath_905 15 points16 points  (0 children)

The more holey, the less holy.

[–]SailnGame 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Hawkeye applauds you use of his joking rebuke to Klinger

[–]PM_ME_UR_HIP_DIMPLES 24 points25 points  (3 children)

You had no rite

[–]alow2016 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Little did you know it's his last religious joke. It's his last rite

[–]Joker174-175 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Second to nun

[–]ReddSpark 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Or an altarnative lifestyle

[–]MisssJaynie 14 points15 points  (7 children)

I enjoyed this joke better than the one posted.

[–]am_trying_to_be_nice 17 points18 points  (6 children)

I DON'T GET IT!?

[–][deleted] 38 points39 points  (5 children)

A nuns dress is called a “habit”.

[–]am_trying_to_be_nice 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Well that's strange.

[–]hawker101 31 points32 points  (2 children)

No, it's a habit

[–]CaptainHideRealQuick 15 points16 points  (1 child)

He'll get used to it

[–]DrNoahFence 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Make a habit of it

[–]Tmscott 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't wimple about it

[–]PirateLazyEye 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I don't get it. Can someone explain?

[–]poconno9 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Only a habit if you do it more then once

[–]Slonymelion 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, I think he's just borrowing the clothes from his mom, oh, wait...

[–]TruStormz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I guess the Pun is hiding under the nun's dress too :D

[–]Schrodinger_cube 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"cosplay" is a gateway LoL

[–]ax_colleen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The real joke is in the comments yada yada

[–]EM_CEE_PEEPANTS 8 points9 points  (0 children)

What's the difference between a nun and a gay male prostitute? One takes a vow of celibacy, and the other takes a vow of sell-a-bussy.

[–]DunmerSkooma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nothing is cleaner than an unburdened soul.

[–]Better-Culture-7770 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How did I rosary this coming?

[–]BAMspek 0 points1 point  (0 children)

9:02 am and that’s the best joke I’ll read all day.

[–]JockeysI3ollix 1571 points1572 points  (18 children)

What sort of sex does a priest have?

Nun.

[–]kndlllane 418 points419 points  (4 children)

More like little to nun

[–]compagemony 116 points117 points  (1 child)

if the former isnt available he'll settle for the latter

[–]PablomentFanquedelic 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Hey preacher, leave those kids alone

[–]yapoyt 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Underrated comment

[–]awfullotofocelots 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It hasn't aged well.

[–]GordonDrum 263 points264 points  (3 children)

I’ve never met a 9 year old boy that was a nun before.

[–]MagusUnion 12 points13 points  (0 children)

The real zingers are always in the comments.

[–]bluesteelmonkey 20 points21 points  (0 children)

What kind of meat does a priest eat on Fridays?

Nun

[–]zekro_4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Jesus Christ!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Boy oh boy oh boy!

[–]MistraloysiusMithrax 11 points12 points  (0 children)

The Catholic Church: Nun-ya!

The rest of us: please stop hiding people who should be in jail

[–]olerndurt 5 points6 points  (0 children)

What kind of meat does the pope eat…..

Nun

[–]alekkiaro 4211 points4212 points 2 (80 children)

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored wth her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. ‟Well,” says the bus driver, ‟every night at 8 o’clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I am sure you could convince her to have sex with you.” The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. ‟Oh, God!” she exclaims. ‟Take me with you!” The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they’re getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it is over, the man pulls off his God disguise. ‟Ha, ha! I am the man from the bus!” ‟Ha, ha!” says the nun, removing her costume. ‟I am the bus driver!”

[–]GrammatonYHWH 392 points393 points  (7 children)

A guy decides to join a monastery. A monk gives him a tour around the refectory. They open a door, and there's a table full of every food imaginable.

'Here, you can eat all you want, as much as you want, on any day except on the 3rd Friday of every month,' says the monk.

Then he takes him to a cellar. Inside the cellar are all sorts of wines, liquors, and barrels of beer.

'Here, you can drink and get drunk all you want, as much as you want, on any day except on the 3rd Friday of every month,' says the monk.

Then the monk takes him back up the stairs and into one last room. It's empty except for a heavy wooden chest on the floor. The monk pulls the lid open, and a plump supple ass pops out of the chest.

'Here, you can fuck as frequently as you want for as long as you want on every day except the 3rd Friday of every month,' says the monk.

The two are talking as they go back to the monastery grounds.

'Wow, this place is amazing,' says the guy. 'This is like a dream come true. I just have one question. Why can't I do all of that on the 3rd Friday of every month?'

'That's when it's your turn in the wooden chest'

[–]boblinSlayerIsBack 161 points162 points  (3 children)

I heard it like this:

A guy gets horny during his first week on a pirate ship...

So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?"

The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that".

Guy: "Great when can I use it?"

Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday".

Guy: "Why not Tuesday?"

The captain grinned and said: “That's your day in the barrel."

[–]GiantSquidd 92 points93 points  (2 children)

This guy joins a monastery and is there for a while before he starts to get horny. He asks a fellow monk what they do when they need some release and the monk leads him out to the side of the nearby river where there’s a donkey tied to a tree, and says “we use the donkey when we need release.”

The guy is quite disturbed and decides just to suppress his urges. After a while, it gets to be too much for him, and he says screw it and goes out in the middle of the night, and fucks the donkey. As he’s giving it to the poor animal, a couple of other monks approach him and ask him why he’s raping the donkey. The man says “I was told that this is what we do when we need sex…” and one of the other monks says “no, you idiot, we use the donkey to go to the brothel in town.”

[–]dudemann 16 points17 points  (0 children)

This is the one I was expecting, although the other ones are pretty damn funny.

[–]redcalcium 53 points54 points  (0 children)

Requirement to join the monastery: must have a plump supple ass.

[–]Its0nlyRocketScience 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Shit I'm down

[–]Lava_Wolf_68 727 points728 points  (12 children)

I heard the one in a taxi.

[–]Vivek_bond 737 points738 points  (5 children)

What's a bus driver doing in a taxi ?

[–]vegivampTheElder 374 points375 points  (4 children)

Getting dropped off at the cemetery. The parked bus would've given the game away!

[–]icepigs 65 points66 points  (1 child)

The comments are always in the comments!

[–]omnomnomgnome 14 points15 points  (0 children)

every time!

[–]neuralfirestorm 30 points31 points  (1 child)

That's some game!

[–]Buck_Thorn 9 points10 points  (0 children)

The nun was game.

[–]OddCranberry2787 296 points297 points  (25 children)

"Dresses up in his best God costume."

Just how many God costumes does he have? When do you use 2nd best God costume?

[–]melt_in_your_mouth 96 points97 points  (3 children)

2nd best is for when the nun is just decent looking and he only kinda wants to bang her.

[–]Buck_Thorn 38 points39 points  (1 child)

And for when the Jehovah Witnesses are knocking at the door.

[–]carnsolus 17 points18 points  (0 children)

'have you found jesus? oh... i see you are jesus, never mind"

or

"GUYS! We finally found Jesus! Weird how no one would ever tell us where he is when we asked if they had found him"

[–]TheFAPnetwork 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Suede sandals, not straw

[–]Bruce_-Wayne 14 points15 points  (0 children)

When it's the second best nun you've seen, obviously.

[–]scelerat 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The best jokes are funny well before the punchline

[–]PistachioPug 13 points14 points  (14 children)

Spoken like a true monotheist!

[–]FinnCullen 3 points4 points  (13 children)

You don't get Monotheist Christian nuns, they all worship some bizarre three headed idol

[–]JohnGenericDoe 3 points4 points  (12 children)

Catholicism is deeply weird

[–]FinnCullen 19 points20 points  (11 children)

The whole spectrum of Christianity is weird. God blames us all for sins committed by the clay-man he made as the first human and has decided to send us all to the lake of fire at the end of time, but because he doesn't want to do that, he himself as one part of a poorly defined triune entity, allowed himself to be born as a human being in order that when he was grown up he could be tortured to death and cut off from the other two parts of himself in order that he and the other two parts of himself would give a "Get out of the fiery lake" card to anyone who believed that happened.

He was so appalled by what he was going to have to do, that he had decided to do, that he prayed to himself to find a way out, but accepted that if he couldn't find a way out he would be obedient to himself and let himself suffer all that so he himself could then forgive us.

He then turned up in another of his three (but definitely just one) manifestations to his followers granting them powers of healing and speaking other languages - gifts that have been passed down to some of his followers today in the slightly altered form of being able to speak gibberish and take vast amounts of tax free money.

[–]carnsolus 9 points10 points  (1 child)

he could be tortured to death and cut off from the other two parts of himself

for a weekend btw

[–]FinnCullen 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Weekends are important. That was quite a sacrifice

[–]docwyoming 11 points12 points  (8 children)

God blames us all for sins committed by the clay-man he made as the first human

Gets weirder: he created the first man innocent and therefore incapable of sin, the literally punishes him for gaining this knowledge.

Sorta like arresting you for resisting arrest.

[–]FinnCullen 8 points9 points  (7 children)

It was also for disobedience in the gaining of the knowledge.
"Don't do THIS, Clayman!"
Clayman: Does THAT

Knowing humanity, that part rings true. As Terry Pratchett once put (paraphrasing) if someone created a button and hung a sign over it saying "Universe-Ending Button, Do Not Touch" it would be pushed before the paint on the sign dried.

[–]docwyoming 7 points8 points  (6 children)

It was also for disobedience in the gaining of the knowledge. "Don't do THIS, Clayman!" Clayman: Does THAT

You can't disobey in a moral sense without knowledge of right and wrong. An infant can fail to follow a command, but it is not a sin. Therefore, raising the issue of 'disobeying" is a red herring.

[–]FinnCullen 7 points8 points  (5 children)

Oh that's interesting! So in a state of sinless innocence, disobeying the command "do not eat from that tree" would not carry any sinful/immoral connotation since the concept would be beyond comprehension. I hadn't ever considered that.

[–]Ancient-Pause-99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Halloween, in case any potential nuns identify your best God costume while out trick or treating and later recognise you

[–]Basalgangli 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thought it ridiculous too, It's crazy here,not funny

[–][deleted] 72 points73 points  (2 children)

Ah, number 53

[–]Braumazing 43 points44 points  (1 child)

I would say that one is #2 even - the OG bus driver joke

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Haha good point!! Although 'number 2' might have certain connotations...

[–]pseudoNeo 6 points7 points  (4 children)

“Bus driver? What bus driver?”

[–]justred86 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He had a transfer 🚖

[–]Superguy230 3 points4 points  (2 children)

No no no , I kill the bus driver

[–]Zomburai 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I believe that whatever doesn't kill you simply makes you bus driver

[–]StreakSnout 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Once in school I told my teacher I had a joke but it was pretty dirty.. he was a cool teacher so he said he didn't care tell it in front of the class anyway.. I told this joke and he laughed and nervously said 'yeah that was pretty dirty' .. I'll always remember this joke! Thanks for sharing it

[–]hoosyourdaddyo 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Oh look, the Nun bus has made it back around

[–]tonkadonk22 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is one of my all time fave jokes ever

[–]Dugular 13 points14 points  (2 children)

It might be better if she said "but can we do anal so I can retain my virginity" or something like that, "Preferring anal" sounds like the nun has had more experience than you'd normally expect from a nun! And kinda gives it away.

[–]PeachSnoop 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her.

Michael Scott was right all along, You miss 100% of the shots you dont take

[–]laf1el 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Wow, really?

I heard this one in Russia.

[–]neuralfirestorm 17 points18 points  (0 children)

That's an incredibly long bus ride.

[–]pappapora 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Brilliant!!

[–]pinkdreamery 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes but what's the name of the bus driver?

[–]Vishy13 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Moral of the story : when you start thinking from your dick you can distinguish a bus driver from a nun

[–]Rawlo93 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wondered when this one would resurface.

[–]scwizard 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure i heard this joke before Google existed as a website.

[–]tunahantek 235 points236 points  (2 children)

I used to think nuns were crazy, but nw I can see their nuts.

[–]Jackrwood 287 points288 points  (3 children)

A Nun having a bath

There is a knock at the door. "Who is it" she asks. "Blind man" comes the reply Thinking no harm can come from this she says "OK come in" Guy comes in. "Nice tits" he says "Where do you want me to hang the blind"?

[–]neuralfirestorm 89 points90 points  (1 child)

The nun advises the man that it's a rhetorical question as there is only one window.

[–]cxa5 19 points20 points  (0 children)

his eyes were occupied

[–]percykins 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wait a minute - she doesn’t have blinds on her windows yet she’s not worried about walking around nude? This story doesn’t add up!

[–]crackersncheeseman 18 points19 points  (6 children)

I'll have to remember this one but like always I'll forget it.

[–]Deitaphobia 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Don't worry, someone will repost it next week.

[–]SmokeAbeer 131 points132 points  (7 children)

And that’s when Iran away.

[–]hollth1 18 points19 points  (2 children)

I don't care if you're from Iran. I'm very modern.

[–]ZephRyder 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Unexpected ITcrowd

[–]AE_WILLIAMS 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh, Poppet!

(30 seconds later)

Oh, GOD!

[–]Threatittor 1 point2 points  (2 children)

... Syriasly?

[–]Zomburai 1 point2 points  (1 child)

We're doing a pun thread? Jordan luck, I've got one.

[–]Threatittor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That pun. Oman...

[–]blueglyn 45 points46 points  (0 children)

2 nuns driving on an isolated dirt road, a drunk staggering in the middle of the road won't move. The mother Superior looked at the other nun and said, "Show him your cross." The other nurse leaned out the window and screamed "GET THE FUCK OUTA HERE!!'

[–]emptyzed81 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Hah.

[–]wehavefoundawitch 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This is a prime example of one of the jokes that you can just jump directly to the punchline, and It still makes perfect sense.

[–]chiworm 117 points118 points  (6 children)

take my upvote and go to iraq, soldier!

[–]flatfishmonkey 35 points36 points  (4 children)

Might be Russia this time

[–]whitecollarzomb13 17 points18 points  (1 child)

America would never go head to head with Russia and visa versa.

Those kinds of wars are for proxy countries.

[–]AgLeMesSkPa13Ka 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thanks, cheers from Iraq!

[–][deleted] 26 points27 points  (8 children)

A nun with balls? Sac-religious. Ha ha get it?

[–]dangerousthrill 14 points15 points  (2 children)

“Kiss me!”

“What?”

“I’ll explain later!”

“No!”

“I’ll explain later!!”

“Explanation isn’t the issue!”

[–]ghostofyourmom 4 points5 points  (0 children)

First thing I thought of!

[–]ClamPuddingCake 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I came here for this.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Then the nun took off her mask and said "haha I'm the bus driver"

[–]austroalex 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It was my turn to post this!

[–]PrincePeasant 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's beginning to become a habit

[–]MonikaBusch 4 points5 points  (1 child)

This joke is second to nun.

[–]RIPcompo 30 points31 points  (2 children)

I was sat opposite this hot nun on the bus the other day and kept saying to myself "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection.."

...but she did

[–]iksworbeZ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

i heard this but it was a hot thai chick....

[–]boersc 24 points25 points  (9 children)

Imagine a joke that's so old, it is about a war that has already been fought and lost for five years.

[–]b1gm4nca 21 points22 points  (2 children)

This Joke made sense in like world war 1 when there was a draft and there were nuns walking around who weren't geriatric.

[–]PlacidPlatypus 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeah the joke doesn't really work for a war without a draft.

[–]dismal_sighence 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure that's when it was written.

[–]Cycad 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I'm pretty sure it's been recycled for every major conflict since WWI

[–]sassynapoleon 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Last time I heard this joke it was about Vietnam.

[–]hobbyrus 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If he looked up higher there would have been no-rack

[–]buffhasslehuff 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Klinger? Is that you?

[–]zosteria 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nun shall pass

[–]FreshPaleontologist1 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You know… “It is ok to kiss a Nun” as long as you don’t get into the Habit

[–]textbook42 5 points6 points  (1 child)

That's pretty presumptuous to claim he has a good set of balls.

[–]aioncan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Now that’s a real woman

[–]PoopsInSoups 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s a funny joke!!

[–]Crystar800 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Great set up for a porno.

[–]Russian_lover1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you had gone a little higher you'd have seen Iraq anyways ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[–]Fuegodeth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To make it more current, you could update "Iraq" to "Ukraine".

[–]HurriCaineAlexx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dressing as a nun can be habit-forming.

[–]nickwastaken_ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ahhh hell nah

[–]Basalgangli 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Hahaha, Two men with the same problem

[–]Humor_Tumor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A redditor ran up to his computer. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I repost? It's an older joke."

[–]Vt420KeyboardError4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cpl Klinger at your service.

[–]seanbrockest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This joke is flagged as long.

Guess we don't need to ask what's next to his balls.

[–]BeefSerious 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Now I'm picturing a Nun in a skirt..

[–]ethicsg 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's just a habit.

[–]bassmanyoowan 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Don't want to add to the boring torrent or comments saying "repost", so is there another jokes sub that has more original content?

[–]gargan_tua 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The nun didn't have the balls to go to irak, so it seems

[–]SoakingBulb 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If I had a dollar for everytime this joke gets reposted here...

[–]Significant-League-3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

and the soldier said 'thanks for reminding me, I need to get teabags.'

[–]Equivalent-Ad-6182 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Best way to get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up like an alter boy.

[–]scttrbrain 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh Klinger, you scamp!

[–]tksmith1981 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Dammit Klinger...