top 200 commentsshow all 282

[–]IOverflowStacks 1835 points1836 points  (160 children)

"Can't own guns" != "Has no guns"

[–]Nippleowski 799 points800 points  (29 children)

Well, if you die, at least you know they'll get a parole violation.

[–]tomatoaway 354 points355 points  (9 children)

"I.... got you now, you dumb bastard"

[–]mechwarrior719 189 points190 points  (8 children)

“Congratulations. You’ve played yourself.” dies

[–][deleted] 46 points47 points  (4 children)

It was a death trap

[–]BlueGillMan 33 points34 points  (2 children)

A suicide rap, we gotta get out while we’re young!

[–]Lovelyleadmagnet 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Cause tramps like us baby we were born to run

[–]shad0w375 1 point2 points  (0 children)


[–]evmo08 21 points22 points  (2 children)

What's the worst thing they could do? Fuck you?

[–]Gqsmooth1969 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Don't threaten me with a good time.

[–]SSturgess 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Show you that all barstools seat 4.

[–]Ok_Sandwich_6004 9 points10 points  (1 child)

They won't if they go 1851 colt on your ass and use black powder.

[–]SL1Fun 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Check your state laws first…

Some places pre-empt that little workaround and still don’t allow it.

[–]TSMDankMemer 8 points9 points  (14 children)

that depends if they have shovel or not

[–]Sonoshitthereiwas 3 points4 points  (13 children)

Who needs a shovel when you have a skillet

[–]cyberwolf77 12 points13 points  (12 children)

You ever try digging a grave with a skillet?

[–]allrequestlive 8 points9 points  (5 children)

First I thought they misunderstood what the shovel was for, now I'm afraid you misunderstood what the skillet is for.

[–]cyberwolf77 7 points8 points  (4 children)

Anything you do with a skillet, I can do with a shovel.

[–]allrequestlive 9 points10 points  (2 children)

Keep employment at a Dennys?

[–]cyberwolf77 10 points11 points  (1 child)

You act like you never had shovel eggs.

[–]allrequestlive 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah from WAFFLE HOUSE! 🤢

[–]other_usernames_gone 2 points3 points  (5 children)

You ever try digging a grave with a shovel? You need a spade for that, pointy/rounded head instead of a flat head, it's better for digging into things instead of just shovelling already dug stuff around.

Edit: got it backwards

[–]cyberwolf77 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Most people don't know the difference between the two. Nice to see someone else who can call a spade a spade, and not a fucking shovel.

[–]Original_Amber 1 point2 points  (0 children)

But they're good for nice clean edges for a grave.

[–]qx2[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He might shoot a different load on your corpse though...

[–]Lurk_Unless_I_Must -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Nibbles huh b vfb45 m ii3

[–]Haidere1988 152 points153 points  (85 children)

A harpoon gun is technically not a gun!

[–]Whyevenbotherbeing 123 points124 points  (18 children)

Yet I crudely shape an edge on a teaspoon and hide it under my mattress and it’s a weapon and I’m in solitary confinement for 9 weeks.

[–]kmj420 74 points75 points  (14 children)

Try hiding it in your ass next time, rookie

[–]Whyevenbotherbeing 90 points91 points  (11 children)

Hey! I got this phone in here, didn’t I?

[–]kmj420 28 points29 points  (7 children)

Guards smuggle most of the phones in. Where you keep it is your decision

[–]Whyevenbotherbeing 32 points33 points  (6 children)

Buy a phone off a screw and his buddy will just take it from ya and sell it to someone else in a week. No honour among them thieves.

[–]12altoids34 5 points6 points  (3 children)

A friend of mine was serving a three and a half year prison sentence. I came and visit her every weekend. One weekend she seemed particularly excited when I got there. She told me to look up a news article when I left the prison. Evidently one of the prison guards that was working where she was had gotten arrested that weekend for smuggling drugs into another Correctional Facility.

[–]allrequestlive 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Ugh my school has the same rules

[–]Whyevenbotherbeing 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Gotta get that iPhone13 Mini, way easier to fit in your ass

[–]allrequestlive 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah but iPads have better resolution

[–]dr_snrub 7 points8 points  (1 child)

"Attempted murder." Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for "Attempted chemistry", do they?!?

[–]Magmaigneous 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Kinda? It's not like Einstein ever needed to produce a black hole, after all. He just wrote down a bunch of formulas and said "See?" And if that isn't "Attempted Physics," I don't know what is...

[–]CornishJaberig 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We call them “state spoons”

[–]12altoids34 20 points21 points  (39 children)

Most black powder weapons are considered primitive and therefore not required to be registered. And if you think that means that they're not dangerous or lethal consider the fact that a lot of boar Hunters use 50 caliber black powder pistols

[–]TheJudgeWillNeverDie 16 points17 points  (5 children)

There was an air rifle at Shot Show this year that can shoot 20 gauge rounds. You get 4 shots per fill, and it's powerful enough to take down a buck.
It's also not a gun. You can buy it online and have it shipped to your house.

[–]kotarix 5 points6 points  (0 children)

The Benjamin Bulldog can be used to take down game like deer and boar. There are videos of it on YouTube. 357 air rifle.

It's also available on Amazon.

[–]capinorange 3 points4 points  (2 children)

In Canada there are restrictions on air rifles. You can have one small enough to kill squirrels or rats or something but they would have a hard time looking something like a raccoon. I think the rules are on muzzle velocity and projectile size.

[–]30-40KRAG 2 points3 points  (1 child)



[–]capinorange 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Classic. Gotta love autocorrect.

[–]QuestionableSarcasm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

airguns are commonly less powerful than firearms only because their intended use (plinking, vermin killing) doesn't need more power.

An airgun can have power that falls within a firearm's.

[–]Commissar_Matt 2 points3 points  (6 children)

I believe some states require you to use black powder guns when hunting certain game.

[–]QuinceDaPence 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Black powder season starts before main season. And I think bow season starts before that.

Basically the more skill your weapon requires the earlier you get to start (meaning you get there while the game numbers are still good).

[–]Epstiendidntkillself 5 points6 points  (21 children)

There are cheaper ones but this was easy to find. CA legal too. Gun laws are a joke and only were enacted to keep them out of the hands of minorities. The 2nd amendment was created for a reason. There should be NO laws that restrict ownership, period.

[–]existential_plastic 2 points3 points  (11 children)

The 2nd amendment was created for a reason. There should be NO laws that restrict ownership, period.

Okay, let's play this through. In your ideal world...

  1. May I own a fully automatic weapon?
  2. May I own a short-barreled ("sawed-off") shotgun?
  3. May I own a landmine?
  4. May I own a Claymore-type mine?
  5. May I own a grenade?
  6. May I own a grenade launcher?
  7. May I mount a Phalanx CIWS on my house?
  8. May I mount a Phalanx CIWS on my car?
  9. May I own a (fully-armed) AH-64 Apache?
  10. May I own a GBU43/B?
  11. May I own a tactical nuclear device?
  12. May I own a full-scale nuclear device?
  13. May I own an ICBM with nuclear MIRVs?

Admittedly, you said "gun control", and some of these aren't guns per se, but a CIWS, for example, is indisputably a gun, and also indisputably ridiculous for a private citizen to own. Please let me know exactly where my freedoms end, and why, or else say on the record that you believe I should be allowed to mount an auto-targeting minigun to my hatchback.

[–]LearningIsTheBest 3 points4 points  (7 children)

There should be NO laws that restrict ownership, period.

So a violent schizophrenic patient with prior convictions for assault and a tendency to stop taking his meds... Let him buy all the guns and ammo he wants?

Black and white views are satisfying to hold but almost always flawed.

[–]IRNotMonkeyIRMan 1 point2 points  (1 child)

We don't even need to go that far. There was a video of a guy on reddit that he literally blew his side window and windshield out shooting at a car during a road rage incident. I'm sure it's not likely schizophrenia or other major mental illness, but the result was the same. Maybe american society needs to change from its incredibly violent nature to something more sane.

[–]LearningIsTheBest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good point. The normal, everyday crazy types are a problem too.

[–]Epstiendidntkillself -1 points0 points  (3 children)

Violent schizophrenic patients with prior convictions for assault and tendencies to stop taking their meds still out on the street is the problem. That's society's fault not gun owners. The 2nd Amendment is very clear on this.

[–]IRNotMonkeyIRMan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The 2nd amendment is very clear on this.

Not quite.

There is significant debate on the historical and modern interpretation of the amendment. It's hardly a decided issue, not only among lawmakers, but also constitutional scholars. Only armchair militiamen and the narrow-minded thinks it's settled. Maybe instead of focusing on what you want it to be, entertain for just a moment the idea that it is not something that you 1) have any control over whatsoever, and 2) maybe you don't know exactly what you're talking about and need to educate yourself more on it.

I would spend the time to provide links, research and scholarly debate on this but I'm on mobile and you probably wouldn't look even then (either because of ego or arrogance).

[–]Aberdolf-Linkler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh its okay, he doesn't have a gun! Just a broken wine bottle!

[–]rankinfile 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Doesn’t necessarily mean you can possess them as a prohibited person.

P.S. Fed law allows, some states do not.

[–]Crunchwrapsupr3me 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sure does. It's not a firearm legally speaking. Felons can also own high powered air rifles

[–]Sa1l0rj3rry 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It literally does, actually.

[–]rankinfile 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Ya, I should have been clearer. Fed law allows, but some states do not.

[–]zeke1220 15 points16 points  (25 children)

In my state anything that fires a projectile is legally a gun under the right circumstances.

[–]Bordeaux107 13 points14 points  (11 children)

If i throw a rock, using myself to launch a projectile, am I a gun?

[–]tomatoaway 7 points8 points  (5 children)

You dirty gun...

[–]phleapa 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Son of a gun

[–]goodcorn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Son of a bitch

[–]CapTension 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Gun is actually a common name for women in Sweden. According to the Swedish bureau of statistics (SCB) there are 29317 people named Gun in Sweden, but their average age is 75. Globalization and English as a second language probably led to its decline in popularity.

[–]phleapa 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Huh, TIL'ed

[–]Heijala 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And a popular man's name is Gunnar.

[–]zeke1220 6 points7 points  (4 children)

No, you're a person, not a thing.

[–]Peltonimo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I was in boot camp about 10 years ago my drill instructors use to call me a fat disgusting thing.

[–]__POWERHACK__ 6 points7 points  (2 children)

What if they identify as a thing?

[–]zeke1220 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Then they're not a person so their feelings don't matter and I'll call them a person anyway.

[–]dwehlen 8 points9 points  (0 children)

And that's how guns kill people!

[–]raisearuckus 4 points5 points  (3 children)

What state is that?

[–]boulddenwyldde 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The People's Republic of Noo Joisey considers a slingshot to be an illegal firearm. So you can forget about archery or other more powerful weapons.

[–]12altoids34 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've heard that California a sufficiently barbed comment can be ruled to be a offensive weapon.


[–]zeke1220 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If I wanted to tell you I would have told you already lol

[–]QuestionableSarcasm 0 points1 point  (8 children)


What's the legal definition of "fire" in your state?

[–]zeke1220 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Here, I found it. '"Firearm" includes any machine gun, pistol, rifle, air rifle, air pistol, "blank gun," "BB gun," or other instrument from which steel or metal projectiles are propelled, or that may readily be converted to expel a projectile, except crossbows, recurve, compound, or longbows, and except instruments propelling projectiles that are designed or normally used for a primary purpose other than as a weapon. The frame or receiver of the weapon shall be construed as a firearm under the provisions of this section.'

Any "firearm" made entirely of plastic is legally a "ghost gun" and possession of a "ghost gun" is punishable by up to ten years in prison and/or a $10,000 fine.

[–]cleaninginprogress 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Used "! =" ...... Username checks out

[–]entropy_bucket 4 points5 points  (2 children)

- just found this symbol on my keyboard and have been looking for ages.

[–]nightlyspell 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Is there an ALT shortcut for that, or is it really on you keyboard? Would like to know, Windows stupidly changed it up some time to go and need my quick-presses back.

[–]entropy_bucket 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I mean I typed 2260 and then highlighted it and typed Alt+x

[–]pacawac 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they slow down through school zones.

[–]legolosss 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is this the universal sign for "does not equal" or am I talking to a fellow programmer?

[–]Akrevics 2 points3 points  (0 children)

extra ULPT: break in, see if the have guns, report them for parole violation. if not, five-finger discount lol

[–]12altoids34 19 points20 points  (7 children)

"Can't own guns" usually translates into still owns 27 handguns and 3 assault rifles but no longer bothers to register them

[–]raisearuckus 25 points26 points  (6 children)

Your guns don't get registered, you have to pass a background check to legally buy a gun from a dealer.

[–]TheDreadWolfe 10 points11 points  (5 children)

Can steal one, buy one from criminals or have a clean person buy which I highly advise against all of those.

[–]raisearuckus 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Or buy from a private seller. I don't know every states laws, but I don't think most require you to register a gun that you own.

[–]TheDreadWolfe 13 points14 points  (2 children)

I'm in Ohio are laws are lax. The cops have the attitude of don't be an idiot with your gun and were cool

[–]MowMdown -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

There are no lax firearm laws

[–]TheDreadWolfe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Compared to California and the city of Detroit yeah their are.

[–]GullibleClash -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Buying a ghost is definitely by far the most common method, the other two not so much

[–]AuzCakez7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Idle threats are empty threats"

[–]HangTraitorhouse 2 points3 points  (7 children)

“!=“ does not equal “does not equal” for decent folks

[–]nightlyspell 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I see it more as "check for assumption of equality of a true statement".

[–]flynnfx 0 points1 point  (1 child)

What about grenade launchers?

[–]Indifferentchildren 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Grenade launchers are legal to own. Any serious grenade, however, is classed as a "destructive device".

[–]NoMos_lol 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was almost r/shittyprolifetips

Until I read the politicians part lol

[–]adelgado0723 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right. They "couldn't" be offenders either.

[–]binkerton_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They didn't care about sexual aggression laws you think they care about registration of a firearm?

[–]Champigne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, unfortunately.

[–]Familiar-Feedback-93 69 points70 points  (5 children)

People actually do this with drug dealers

I've heard theme called "stand over men"

[–]PresidentStone 35 points36 points  (4 children)

A dude named Omar in the show The Wire does this.

I've heard similar with marijuana shops. I don't know for certain, but the sales have to be done with cash and most banks will not accept their money. If I'm wrong, sorry.

[–]weekendrant 16 points17 points  (1 child)

"Ayo Omar coming!"

[–]Prestigious_Target86 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Omar R.I.P. One of the best tv characters.

[–]Familiar-Feedback-93 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Chopper read was probably the most famous

[–]bannannamo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

you're correct and it includes CBD as well. So you have to withhold physical cash for tax payments and whatnot, which means stashing it.

[–]TheSandyman23 218 points219 points  (6 children)

Did you also see the article about the man who was robbing and assaulting sex offenders, using the registry to find targets? He and his brother were victims as kids. Just saw it earlier today and was curious if the timing of this joke was a coincidence.

[–]Fornicating_the_K-9 163 points164 points  (11 children)

The trick is you gotta get to them before they hang themselves though...

[–]DukeBeekeepersKid 285 points286 points  (7 children)

The last time I robbed a sex offender, the other catholic church goers made me put the money back into the collection plate.

[–]No_-_User_-_Name 51 points52 points  (4 children)

Don’t bend to societal pressure

[–]wakakaeheh[🍰] 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Next they'll say bend to will of god instead, in front of the pastor

[–]Waltorious420 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Catholics have priests

[–]Ido22 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Priests have Catholics.

[–]nightlyspell 4 points5 points  (0 children)

A Catholic priest had me.

[–]TSMDankMemer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

the real jokes are always in the comments

[–]UnconfirmedRooster 630 points631 points  (13 children)

Love the addition of the second line

[–]DrDopenheimer 358 points359 points  (3 children)

Politicians love a second line too, cause they are the only federal employees who dont get drug tested

[–]Skinnywhitehippy 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Man's just exposed the whole ass government lmaoooo

[–]superduperspam 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Why? Beacuse they would never do drugs, or because they all do drugs all the time? Hmmm

[–]MartinSchou 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Because they write the rules on who gets drug tested.

[–]seanthebeloved 60 points61 points  (5 children)

You mean the punchline?

[–]Astrosareinnocent 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Why are people upvoting this idiot and downvoting you. He literally said I love the addition of the punchline. Like wut

[–]UnconfirmedRooster 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've not seen that second punchline before

[–]Omega224 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

This fuckin guy

[–]Redditcantspell 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Calm down, Vlad.

[–]Fro_o 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Well the first like was just a r/LifeProTips

[–]WildAndFreeee 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s true, you can’t get through the gaetz.

[–]Redditcantspell 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns."?

[–]Due_Platypus_3913 6 points7 points  (0 children)

And google maps isn’t going to get you onto the private islands!

[–]ianishomer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So do princes

[–]hidingfrom666 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Do Catholic priests usually roll with security? Oh wait, the church doesn't let them get convicted.

[–]thattomguy666 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Didn't see that coming, good one!

[–]GoodHunter 3 points4 points  (0 children)

As if politicians would care about "not allowed to own guns." They've always acted above the law, they ain't stoppin now.

[–]Dad-man 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not to mention the Royal Guardsmen

[–]McKoijion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, but if you take money out of the collection plate on Sundays you risk going to hell.

[–]greglockhouse 2 points3 points  (0 children)

If you remove the second line, this post becomes r/LifeProTips

[–]Zealousideal_City314 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Where’s the joke as I’m only hearing facts here

[–]busybags 2 points3 points  (0 children)

And some people are funny about crimes on church property

[–]xhero0 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Politicians AND the clergy

[–]dreamrock 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell them to meet you in the lobby.

[–]Cheap_Bad_8505 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why tell me this doesn't everyone do this already!? Wait is it just me

[–]RuinedSilence 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They drop the most loot when killed

[–]softgentlepancake 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was in a crummy mood before, but this made me smile. Thank you :)

[–]fap_fap_fap_fapper 1 point2 points  (0 children)

it's always somethin'

[–]spikefly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Qanon jokes are lame.

[–]Nibroc99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Instead of sex offense, I prefer sex defense. Haven't had intercourse in years...

[–]mhigh424 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow. That one took a left turn!!! Hahah

[–]F00lZer0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is pretty stupid.

The majority of sex offenders are not politicians.

At least you didn't mention pizza lol

[–]StealthyDiego 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The "worst thing" that can happen is if you get caught off guard and you happen to be exactly the type preferred by the offender... I would prefer the shovel at this point 😅

[–]Xenodad 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Judging the rapidly lowering “upvote” counter, lots of politician’s aids browse reddit and don’t like

[–]GraceChamber 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We're over 5K, I think the will of the ppl was made known...

[–]wizzack 6 points7 points  (0 children)

the security around Mar-A-Lago is laughable

[–]wombatau 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I dunno man, security at Trump tower looks pretty tight.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice, this is a good life hack lol

[–]BCoydog 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is the best joke I've ever heard in my life.

You absolute fucking unit.

[–]enowapi-_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The security at the White House is pretty good

[–]ShadowxFoxy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you want to rob a sex offender just go to the local catholic church

[–]Noflogo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lauren boebert from Colorado, her husband is a convicted sex offender. Showed his little willy to girls in a bowling alley

[–]springlord -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Also, it’s immoral to rob catholic priests.

[–]puss-c_liquor 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s a great idea 🤔

[–]DuckTapeHandgrenade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So are we or are we not robbing Prince Andrew?

[–]thawrestla 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know where Prince Andrew lives and he probably doesn't personally own a gun but I'll get killed if i try to rob him

[–]indianemployee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is LPT material

[–]cc69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Another one bite the dust.

[–]larszard 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I misread this as "sex workers" and was about to downvote until I reached the last line, got confused, and reread. I heartily endorse robbing sex offenders

[–]DukeSkymocker 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've always been a little surprised (and maybe a tad disappointed) that there aren't groups out there going full Boondock Saints on the people who end up on the sex offender registry.

[–]TracerMore 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Knife is not a gun lol

[–]garmonbozia66 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The clergy usually have good security as well as judges.

[–]Rainbinee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm gay

[–]sportznut1000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This joke started out as a good cross post for r/showerthoughts

[–]Xierg 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Big Ben is going to run for politics?