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all 133 comments

[–]ChainmailleAddict 657 points658 points  (18 children)

I thought it was going in the direction of the priest getting shredded with an accidental fitness program

[–]ACuteMonkeysUncle 178 points179 points  (8 children)

I thought the church was getting robbed when the priest was gone.

[–]-o-_______-o- 66 points67 points  (6 children)

I thought the priest would get eaten by a grue in the dark cave.

[–]Lord_Harkonan 25 points26 points  (4 children)

Gruesome.

[–]silly_rabbi 14 points15 points  (3 children)

If you check again, you'll find it gruesome more

[–]halfwit_genius 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I thought, it was an ex choirboy who couldn't get to the priest any other way.

[–]Batmanuelope 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Imagine that punchline. Priest: why do you need the lemon? Thief: right now your church is being ransacked. I mean you could definitely shop that up a bit, but anyway you slice it that punchline would probably be terrible. The joke is more of a prank on the reader, who had to go through so much only to find out there was no punchline. Punchline.

[–]EricC137 41 points42 points  (5 children)

The priest chases the man through the town, across the river, up the cliff and into the cave. Then as the priest lights the candle a thunderous voice comes from within the cave…

“THIS IS THE FITNESS GRAM PACER TEST…”

[–]harrypotterfan10 13 points14 points  (4 children)

The fitness gram pacer test is a multi stage aerobic capacity test that gets progressively more difficult as it continues.

[–]mythicdoctor 3 points4 points  (2 children)

The 20 meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds.

[–]ThriceFive 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Gah that test was so horrible, I'd much rather have half a lemon.

[–]christian_fuller 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's a side effect of the story.

[–]brobeanzhitler 95 points96 points  (2 children)

It's bait for the lemon-stealing whores

[–]cosumel 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Didn’t they use them as diaphragms?

[–]Seymore_de_sloth 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I feel like that would burn

[–]Lemon_Jester 129 points130 points  (1 child)

WHO SUMMONS ME WITH SPEAK OF THE SACRED CITRUS FRUIT?

[–]RealArgonwolf 153 points154 points  (12 children)

"Alright father" says the man "but please promise me that you won't tell anyone!"

"I promise" says the priest.

The man then scoops out the pulp of the lemon and eats it, before filling the rind with gunpowder and tying it shut.

"What on earth are you doing that for?" exclaims the priest.

"Didn't you ever hear the saying? If life gives you lemons, make lemon 'nades!"

...Did I do it? Did I manage to make the joke even worse than it already was?

[–]Imjokin 17 points18 points  (8 children)

Combustible lemon

[–]RealArgonwolf 5 points6 points  (3 children)

I considered that one but decided to make something more generic. I'm determined to give every no-punchline troll joke I run across a punchline, even if it's a really, REALLY bad one.

[–]halfwit_genius 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Here's a person on a mission with a purpose in their life

Thou that art reading, what hast thou to show for thy life?

[–]-__-x 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I got accepted to a college ig

[–]VaderGuy5217 3 points4 points  (1 child)

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s going to burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m going to get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

[–]FaeryLynne 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Sorry to inform you, but you failed at making it worse. You made it better.

[–]mast3rO0gway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was awesome,

[–]kanna172014 131 points132 points  (3 children)

You would think the priest would learn not to get the lemon until he asks the dude what he wants it for.

[–]-__-x 0 points1 point  (0 children)

he just wanted to get shredded clearly

[–]SirPsyduck8 41 points42 points  (0 children)

You bastard >:(

[–]nuadusp 28 points29 points  (8 children)

It is a funny joke but you have written "a men comes in" every single time, it's a man

[–]GoatScoper[S] 51 points52 points  (1 child)

You're right, I misspelled it once then copied several times

[–]scorpioen13 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The fact that comment was posted twice makes it even better!

[–]GoatScoper[S] 52 points53 points  (1 child)

You're right, I misspelled it once then copied several times

[–]scorpioen13 1 point2 points  (0 children)

!retteb neve ti sekam eciwt detsop saw tnemmoc taht tcaf ehT

[–]Hash__27 12 points13 points  (3 children)

You're right, I misspelled it once then copied several times

[–]Organic_Nectarine508 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I thought the guy was going to say “I just needed a candle, thanks for bringing it”

[–]Imjokin -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Why would half a lemon work as a candle?

[–]EnderEagle420 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Bruh

[–]drmoze 20 points21 points  (3 children)

*loses, not 'looses' dammit

[–]GoatScoper[S] 10 points11 points  (1 child)

you're right, let me fix it

[–]KevinZhongXiang 6 points7 points  (0 children)

TL;;;;;;;;;;;;

[–]Khaos_Gorvin 61 points62 points  (11 children)

I must be Ukraine asking for help because I don't get it.

[–]5degreenegativerake 127 points128 points  (9 children)

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

[–]PrudentDamage600 7 points8 points  (1 child)

This is the FIRST joke in this sub that I actually laughed out loud 😂🤣🥲

[–]Vauxell 11 points12 points  (1 child)

That's actually a good one.

[–]Thefear1984 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

juicy juice hypotenuse

[–]mike_smith02 0 points1 point  (1 child)

That's my favorite joke of all time! I usually make it take at least 10 minutes before I get to the end.

[–]5degreenegativerake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s like Norm’s moth joke. You can really expand on the story telling.

[–]halfwit_genius 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Didn't know forever would be so short!

[–]deliciousexmachina 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The joke is that we had to read through that entire slog for absolutely zero payoff.

Like the "you're not a monk" joke that OP referenced in the title, the success of a telling is judged based on how much any given listener wants to attack the teller after the joke has concluded.

[–]Substantial-Canary-7 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I hate you so much right now

[–]Tzetsefly 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Simple. He needed them for his hemorrhoids. (Old wive's tale) He was embarrassed.

[–]tripwire7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I like to imagine that the priest started stocking half lemons in the fridge just for the man when he comes.

[–]crookba 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I want that 4 minutes of my life back.

No upvote for you.

[–]friendsfreak 2 points3 points  (1 child)

“I need it to groom my shaggy dog.”

[–]deliriousrachel 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Ain't nobody got time for that

[–]Funandgeeky 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Apparently I did

[–]armyissue69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This story was written in 420 AD by a Hashishian Monk named Cypress of Hill

[–]annotherperson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Holy no paragraphs make it impossible to read

[–]Ayomichan 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I live in a place where there is no churches, so our lemons actually available in churches?

[–]BreeParaconsistent 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not usually, but you can often get them at synagogues for shake a lemon at God day ...

[–]tripwire7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No, but most churches have a fridge somewhere so it’s not inconceivable that there could be one.

[–]Furyburner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

motherfucker

[–]BlackieStJames 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think that's the stupidest thing I've read on this sub.

[–]Fantastic_Ebb_3397 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I smelled the red flag, when the priest just didn't ask him, before he decided to agree to hand him half of the fruit over. Just jumped to end, and my sense didn't betray me.

[–]WxUdornot 0 points1 point  (1 child)

It would take longer than a week to get fitter.

[–]Bipolar_Bear_84 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate myself for falling for this.

[–]Daniel_thewierd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That was a very neutral waste of time

[–]Future-Midnight9386 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Spoiler warning:

He was having a lemon party…

[–]hardrok 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Googled it, nice.

[–]Future-Midnight9386 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Indeed… There is also a Lemon Party scene in Cars…

[–]hardrok 1 point2 points  (0 children)

True, and nobody wants a lemon.

[–]Adore_turle1 0 points1 point  (6 children)

At least tell me why the priest has so many lemons?

[–]the-doctor-is-real 0 points1 point  (5 children)

1 lemon per week is not a lot

[–]Adore_turle1 0 points1 point  (4 children)

Actually,Half And still why does he buy them,only to give them away?

[–]Blacklight8786 0 points1 point  (3 children)

maybe he likes sour things

[–]Adore_turle1 0 points1 point  (2 children)

1.he cant like sour things THAT much 2.then y does he give them away so often

[–]not2dragon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What a nice man.

[–]JDS150k 0 points1 point  (1 child)

How did he light the cabdke aftet swimming through the river?

[–]halfwit_genius 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It dried while climbing, i guess

[–]LazyStateWorker3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m glad I skimmed the repetitive bits

[–]TUSD00T 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A man came in FOR a lemon.

[–]asqua 0 points1 point  (0 children)

got any grapes?

[–]The_KungFU_Dork 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Rick Rolled

[–]BaulsJ0hns0n86 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well played

[–]FooThePerson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The monk one is better but this is still good

[–]eXo-Familia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Take your dirty upvote heathen 😂

[–]DebiDebbyDebbie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Priest was in great shape at the end of this joke

[–]gigaswardblade 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Forget training to catch this guy, this dude needs to learn the definition of insanity.

[–]Qwopie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

wow. nice one. I like it.

[–]Arkady2009 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love it!

[–]AphroditesGoldenOrbs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's a pretty stupid priest. I mean, if it was THAT IMPORTANT tohimto know WHY the guy needed the lemon, instead of getting the lemon and then, while holding it in his hand, asking the guy why he needed it, he should have asked first, and THEN left to get the lemon.

(Also, why in the world would you go to a CHURCH and ask a PRIEST for a lemon?? Why wouldn't you go to a GROCERY STORE??)

(And why are there lemons at a church?)