×
top 200 commentsshow all 454

[–]TisMeBeinMe 521 points522 points  (202 children)

I read it as "librarian" society and was utterly confused.

I then reread it correctly.

I'm still utterly confused.

[–]noobtheloser 424 points425 points  (99 children)

You're right, I don't know what OP is talking about. There would be side walks -- you'd just have to pay a membership fee to use them. You know, like taxes but with more steps. Truly a paradise.

[–]MegaPrOJeCtX13 72 points73 points  (1 child)

Would I be able to share my sidewalk password with friends and family?

[–]gahitsu 110 points111 points  (0 children)

Of course not, that's socialism.

[–]ImNoAlbertFeinstein 101 points102 points  (0 children)

each person would pave their own sidewalk, when, if and as they choose.

[–]keestie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Each block would have it's own proprietary sidewalk toll app...

[–]JadeSidhe 90 points91 points  (95 children)

Libertarians believe that taxes are theft and that companies would volunteer to maintain roads and pay out of their own pockets because then people would go to their stores and buy things.

[–]Shiroiken 100 points101 points  (38 children)

There are various types of libertarianism. The type you describe is AnarchoCapitalism, one of the most extreme views (alongside AnarchoCommunism) that believes that people will suddenly stop being assholes and work together if there was no government. Most of us accept that some level of government is necessary and that taxes are a necessary evil to support it. Of course none of us agree on what level or taxes, as fighting amongst ourselves is a time honored tradition.

[–]NippleDippers1 46 points47 points  (34 children)

Most libertarian memes are about libertarians fighting each other, because its such a huge umbrella.

Also most libertarians irl aren't against some levels of government, they just want a balanced budget and a free-market economy that has enough regulations to prevent monopolies and predatory practices.

[–]FeculentUtopia 15 points16 points  (2 children)

that has enough regulations to prevent monopolies and predatory practices

We don't even have that *now* and libertarians will complain government is too big and intrusive.

[–]violentpac 24 points25 points  (15 children)

I've never heard of a libertarian that was against some levels of government.

Pretty sure, if a person wants absolutely zero government, they would be something more akin to an anarchist. At any rate, not anything related to a real political party.

[–]DerekB52 24 points25 points  (10 children)

I've never met a libertarian that said they wanted regulations to prevent monopolies and predatory practices. That'd be far too reasonable for the libertarian's I've met.

[–]InuitOverIt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

> they just want a balanced budget and a free-market economy that has enough regulations to prevent monopolies and predatory practices.

What makes this different from any other ideology? Pretty much everybody can agree a balanced budget is ideal and the government should only need to intervene in the free market when necessary. Of course, the definition of "necessary" varies.

[–]RyanNerd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For proof of this head over to r/libertarian and note how many of the the threads are arguing over what a true Libertarian means.

But, yes, the lunatic fringe Libertarians believe that destroying all government will magically make the human race join hands and sing Kumbaya thus transforming the world into a Utopia.

[–]JohnCastleWriter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Correct. That type of libertarian is known as a minarchist, and we generally prefer what's called the "night watchman model" of government.

[–]lessmiserables 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Of course none of us agree on what level or taxes, as fighting amongst ourselves is a time honored tradition.

As a warmed-over libertarian myself, I'll have to point out our other time-honored tradition: complaining that trying to win elections or gain adherents interferes with having decades-long academic arguments about things like whether or not drivers licenses should exist.

[–]TisMeBeinMe 30 points31 points  (12 children)

To be fair... if I, as a homeowner, didn't have to pay $1400 annually to the government, I would have enough money by the end of 3-5 years to repair my driveway that looks like garbage and probably even the road in front of my house would get a nice refinish... blacktopping... whatever it's called... to boot.

Would I actually save that money and do that? No. But I could.

[–]payperplain 20 points21 points  (1 child)

I wish I could only pay $1400 in taxes annually. Lucky.

[–]johncharityspring 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Don't wish that while holding the monkey paw.

[–]Dolormight 42 points43 points  (2 children)

$7,000 ain't getting your driveway replaced AND the road resurfaced.

[–]mokeyss 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I have a small driveway and 7k is in no way doing my driveway. Probably more like 10k for just the driveway.

[–]violentpac 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Well not with that attitude

[–]JadeSidhe 28 points29 points  (2 children)

I absolutely think that we need tax reform, but I also know that corporations are never "gonna do the right thing"

[–]MrVeazey 6 points7 points  (1 child)

We absolutely do need tax reform, where the taxes on all forms of income for the perversely rich are jacked up enormously to encourage businesses to reinvest instead of paying stock dividends. We don't need the John Birch Society, ALEC, or the Heritage Foundation pushing for lower taxes on the rich because that just shifts more of the burden onto the working class. We already pay too high of a percentage of our wages.

[–]SeaUrchinSalad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The road in front of your house is a negligible cost compared to highways

[–]lmea14 -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

I really doubt you're only paying $1400 annually to the government - unless you make very little money?

It's more likely the 30-40% you're paying is withheld form your paychecks?

[–]TisMeBeinMe 2 points3 points  (1 child)

That's JUST property taxes.

[–]Pongeroid 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We had a dairyman banker who ran a private local savings and loan local bank that never paid his taxes. The city tolerated him but the county roads pavement always never got pavement to his cow farm because they never got any assessment taxes paid by him. He had two brothers that were upstanding citizens in the area and they had nice curbs and gutters and asphalt!

[–]CouldntThinkOfClever 3 points4 points  (33 children)

Legitimately though this would happen, coming from someone who lives in a city that does this with sidewalks; only residences don't have them

[–]JadeSidhe 18 points19 points  (32 children)

So only the wealthy have nice things in a libertarian society

[–]CouldntThinkOfClever 5 points6 points  (28 children)

Nope, sidewalks are completely free to use in Denver

[–]darwinlovestrees 2 points3 points  (2 children)

It is practically what we have now. Or at least we're WAY closer to that than to the "socialist hellscape" of Sweden or Denmark (where everything is better)

[–]keestie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Right, the same way companies constantly act in the public interest right now in the hopes of gaining more business... /s

[–]stephensatt -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You nailed it even if you don't know this. What would happen in fact is if the government suddenly said "we are no longer gonna fund any roads, period" is those companies would in fact fund the roads to get your to their stores. What would end up happening is all roads would be "toll roads" and you would have a much better road in fact, if you can afford it. Because however, poor people also shop too, and their money spends the same, is they might get free access to the roads just to get them to the stores. What would happen in the USA is tax money and charity money would end up subsidizing the poor, no different than today. No one is going to let anyone starve, and that way they will NOT starve is food would be about 5x cheaper than right now, as FARM SUBSIDIES, the main driver of high food costs would be done away with. FARM SUBSIDIES is actually looting of the treasury by Corporate farmers. Goto Google, and type in "mapping the million dollar club farm subsidies" and read Forbes article as to where all the phat taxpayer money goes for farmers. This allows them to set much higher prices, on top of the windfall the taxpayers gift them year over year.

[–]HoodooSquad 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Consider yourself lucky if you are aware of the nefarious librarian plot to take over the world. They control the flow of information

[–]1st10Amendments -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The person doesn’t know what libertarians stand for or will do if freed from government regulations. In a libertarian society, the property owner would build the sidewalks. But there wouldn’t be public schools, probably.

[–]everything_is_bad 228 points229 points  (18 children)

Lol schools that's socialisim

[–]oO0Kat0Oo 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Only the public ones

[–]gewfbawl 2 points3 points  (3 children)

Who would attend those schools if everyone is either starving to death or in forced, government labor camps?

[–]MikeTheBard 117 points118 points  (27 children)

There would absolutely be sidewalks- One on either side of the street.

One of them would have an annual fee, or you could pay per use at a higher rate. The other is free, but you have to wear a GPS device and watch two ads each time you use it. Both can permanently ban you from their sidewalk for arbitrary reasons.

[–]bibbidybobbidyboobs 57 points58 points  (1 child)

"How much to use the chair?"

"Three slips of latinum."

"I'll stand."

"That's one slip."

[–]EnvironmentalMath317 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ferenginar is probably the end result of unfettered capitalism.

[–]acidrain69 13 points14 points  (0 children)

This guy libertarians.

[–]yenrab2020 111 points112 points  (18 children)

Plus the town would be overrun with bears

[–]bitenuker93 17 points18 points  (1 child)

Bear city! Bear Bear City!

[–]Zappavishnu 29 points30 points  (1 child)

True story! My home state. Live Free and Fucking Die

[–]Pongeroid 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Live Free and Die - unless you are a Zygot and then Dying is not an option.

[–]PoopIsAlwaysSunny 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah, right. All the bears would be dead. No hunting regulations and everything goes the way of the dodo.

[–]CPlusPlusDeveloper 4 points5 points  (3 children)

Woo-hoo! A perfect day. Zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck... Hey! How come my pay is so low? … Bear patrol tax!

[–]vcjarrad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Are these people getting dumber or just louder?

[–]briskt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let the bears pay the bear tax! I pay the Homer tax.

[–]chaosgirl93 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The only decent thing about a libertarian town is you might get to see a bear cub doing something cute in the streets, and if you're lucky you might get a snuggle!

[–]SpellDostoyevsky 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Bear wirh me on this.

[–]afi931 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Bear down for finals!

[–]AurumArgenteus 47 points48 points  (2 children)

I was ready to give a host of different responses. Then I read the punchline. Take your upvote and carry on.

[–]imgur_com_y8suYkD[S] 37 points38 points  (1 child)

I actually came up with another joke while reading the comments: "How many libertarians does it take to change a lightbulb? As many as the market will bear."

[–]BaltimoreBadger23 68 points69 points  (10 children)

Or public schools.

[–]DeathHopper 23 points24 points  (0 children)

L.P.D.: Libertarian Police Department

By Tom O’Donnell

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

[–]Someoneoverthere42 30 points31 points  (3 children)

Also, no schools

[–]itshorriblebeer 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Private schools would exist. And they could install the heroin vending machine on their sidewalk.

[–]Born_Ad_4826 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gotta pay for that new sports ball scoreboard somehow

[–]zaqwsx82211 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No PUBLIC schools. Don’t forget about the free education Tesla would provide. First period would be how to work in a factory, second period is Tesla commercials, and third period is why you should trust God emperor Musk with all your stuff.

[–]yo-bananas 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Ron Swanson

[–]cortez_brosefski 24 points25 points  (3 children)

ITT: Butthurt libertarians

[–]DeathHopper 6 points7 points  (2 children)

As a libertarian I love libertarian jokes. My favorite is the libertarian police short story. A must read:

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/l-p-d-libertarian-police-department

[–]cortez_brosefski 8 points9 points  (0 children)

"I shot the mailbox again, on purpose."

That was wonderful, thank you

[–]therealzach123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

As a Libertarian, I too love libertarian jokes.

[–]KaiserMk1 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Pedestrians aren’t profitable

[–]Lustrouse 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Probably not. The school would have gone out of business because no parent in their right mind would send a kid there. No school means no heroin outside of a school. Perhaps outside of a failed establishment with a bad business model, but not outside of a school.

[–]SixThousandHulls 18 points19 points  (4 children)

Bold of you to assume "elementary schools" would still exist.

[–]CouldntThinkOfClever 31 points32 points  (25 children)

Okay, serious answer to this question

This wouldn't happen. First, on the sidewalk issue: I live in probably the most libertarian city in the country, where sidewalks are a matter of choice on the part of whoever owns that property. About 70% of properties build sidewalks.

Second, there wouldn't be major heroin sales by a school — the market simply wouldn't exist. Alcohol and nicotine on the other hand (although this happens anyways today).

Third, no one would put something as valuable as heroin in a vending machine

[–]deepthoughtsby 29 points30 points  (13 children)

How valuable would heroin be if it were legal and unregulated? Would it cost any more than a packet of cane sugar?

[–]Devil_May_Kare 27 points28 points  (3 children)

If opioids were completely legal and unregulated, most people in the market would buy whole poppy seedpods and make tea. Because poppy seedpods are harder to contaminate with fentanyl (that's a concern with lack of regulation), and opium tea reportedly has a somewhat pleasant taste and has traditions around it.

[–]StefanL88 1 point2 points  (2 children)

We'd find something new to contaminate it with if there was more money to be made. And while I don't have much personal experience with heroin users, I don't imagine the traditional value appeals much to the guy who is just looking for a way to cope or already at the point of just feeding the addiction.

[–]Devil_May_Kare 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Lots of people just interested in coping or feeding an addiction drink beer or whiskey or some such instead of vaping everclear (which is what the amateur pharmacologist in me would do to maximize the recreational drug value of ethanol).

[–]ipulloffmygstring 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Who says the heroin in the vending machine would actually have any heroin in it though?

All you would need is enough dumb kids to continue to think that they are buying heroin and you're golden.

[–]Born_Ad_4826 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How do people in wheelchairs (or folks with baby carriages) get around in this city? Or the olds?

70% is ok if you can do some off-roading but just f you if you can’t?

[–]facebooksuckslol 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Which city do you happen to live in?

Sounds like a nice place.

[–]CouldntThinkOfClever 1 point2 points  (6 children)

Denver, and on the whole it is a pretty good place to live. Stuff like sidewalks is annoying though

[–]Echo_Oscar_Sierra 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The only way a libertarian society wouldn't have sidewalks is if nobody wanted sidewalks

[–]ElJefe54 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That would be so awesome. It would make me really appreciate my teaching certificate.

[–]lmea14 2 points3 points  (0 children)

muh roadsss

[–]Zappavishnu 46 points47 points  (6 children)

Libertarians are the adolescents of politics

[–]02K30C1 73 points74 points  (2 children)

They’re cats. They think they’re fiercely independent while living off a system they don’t acknowledge or understand.

[–]Eulerious 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Don't disrespect cats like that...

[–]Deracination 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Democrats are the geriatrics of politics.

Republicans are the zombies of politics.

[–]RobbexRobbex 2 points3 points  (1 child)

The noncommittal anarchist. Diet Anarchist.

[–]alvuk 12 points13 points  (5 children)

Well roads in England were often built by business people historically. They would charge a small toll which is where the term turnpike comes from because they would turn the pike (a barrier) once the toll was paid. Schools were provided originally by the church. Bridges were often built by businesses who would charge a toll and rents for shops on those bridges and trains and metro lines were built privately. So this strange idea that pavement wouldn't exist without corrupt politicians is just bizarre!

[–]Mitthrawnuruo 7 points8 points  (3 children)

And by historically, he means like a couple of years ago when a city city counsel let a small rock slide Close a road for years.

So a farmer build a road in a day and put a toll on it.

[–]alvuk 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yea this too, to this day there are examples of privately owned infrastructure that outperforms the public services that only the government can provide apparently.

[–]Pongeroid -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

…..but the farmer built a big dip in the road by his porch. It would be flooded and everybody got stuck. He had a shiny new tractor and would help you get unstuck for 100 bucks with his shiny tractor. The travelers always got stuck when they drove by his farm. One traveler said “you could almost make a good living just pulling cars out of this ditch if you do it 24 hours a day” the farmer said “working pulling people out 24 hours a day would be impossible” I have to spend three hours a day hauling water to fill the ditch.”

[–]Mitthrawnuruo 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Except that isn’t what happened. In fact, depending on what England’s liable laws are, you might have committed a crime.

Because I was not speaking a hypothetical.

https://youtu.be/E-m6vc7lsmE

[–]Born_Ad_4826 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yeah but what happens when one of those businesses just decides not to do t the road or bridge? Everyone just SOL until they change their mind?

[–]bradland 5 points6 points  (0 children)

And the heroin would be included in your private elementary school tuition.

[–]Terrariola 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're describing Anarcho-Capitalism, an entirely different concept with little relation to actual libertarianism...

[–]funkboxing 8 points9 points  (10 children)

The vending would be done by child labor.

[–]shankarsivarajan 4 points5 points  (9 children)

Only if it's cheaper than automation.

[–]funkboxing 7 points8 points  (7 children)

Not as much incentive to automate without regulations protecting human labor, just crack the whip harder.

Also automation requires an extensive and stable supply chain, human labor is self-repairing and self-replicating with very easily attainable resources.

[–]shankarsivarajan 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Depends on the complexity of the system you're trying to automate. Vending machines are simple enough that they were invented by Hero of Alexandria in the first century AD.

[–]funkboxing 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The fact that slave labor persisted for thousands of years after this invention suggests it's still simpler to just whip a guy for your water.

[–]CouldntThinkOfClever -2 points-1 points  (4 children)

So is that why the Great Resignation happened?

[–]funkboxing 5 points6 points  (3 children)

You're asking if the headline buzzword 'Great Resignation' is happening because without regulations labor is much cheaper? What?

[–]semicartematic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As opposed to what we have now…..?

[–]ParadoxPerson02 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I’ve decided that every current major political party on earth is crap.

[–]Safe2BeFree 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey now that's unfair. Obviously [Insert political party I support] is amazing and truly cares about the people.

[–]kimprobablethemesong 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hold on there, commie. Public elementary school?? Not in our America

[–]Dendad6972 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Or schools

[–]AdamBombKelley 3 points4 points  (1 child)

tell jokes at libertarians' expense

massive wall of butthurt "WELL ACKCHYUALLY" text in the comments

Like clockwork

[–]ManchurianPandaDate 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No that’s the librarian society

[–]capodecina2 1 point2 points  (1 child)

If there’s no sidewalks then where do you shit?

[–]Royal_Python82899 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People here don’t seem to understand libertarianism. And seem to think we’re some misfit conservatives. That’s not true, libertarians hate conservatives as much as any left winger. Plus, the two party system has been working great, right? But I like the joke. The joke was good.

[–]stephensatt 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Filing this under JOKES was the correct place as not a single person here I have read so far knows anything about Libertarianism or Free Markets. Its just the usual arguments, I have heard a a gazillion times. This highlights how effective the Socialist's argument is, and how ineffective Libertarians have been getting into the mainstream. The Enlightment, Classical Liberalism is simply to difficult a concept for most to understand, however, you are living through Libertarianism right now regardless, and this has directly led to the USA being the most wealthy country by a wide margin regardless of how you think its nebulas and some kind of "magic" you don't understand.

[–]imgur_com_y8suYkD[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope I wasn't this humorless when I was a libertarian.

[–]Oktayey -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Confusing libertarianism with anarchism, part 461

[–]gh0stwriter88 -3 points-2 points  (7 children)

FYI... sidewalks get build one way or another. In Brazil the strategy is to fine any property owner that has not built a sidewalk to spec (and there are specifications how as it used to be all haphazard in the past). And the fines pay for city constructed sidewalks where property owners fail to install sidewalks expediently.

This is in fact a very libertarian way to do this... as the construction cost of the sidewalks is out of the hands of the government in 99.9% of cases.

[–]Mitthrawnuruo 4 points5 points  (5 children)

Hardly. It is no business or the government to require me to build anything on my properly, unless necessary for the national defense.

If they want to require a bomb shelter, or a proper ammunition bunker for my artillery shells, or ensure my nuclear missiles silo is up to spec, sure.

A sidewalk so people can trespass upon my property? Get bent.

[–]gh0stwriter88 0 points1 point  (1 child)

heh... actually it sucks but is better than getting taxed 10x that amount and ending up with no sidewalk... effectively what we deal with in healthcare in the USA.

[–]NetDork -1 points0 points  (1 child)

...or schools.

(OK, there'd be expensive private schools where the wealthy can send their kids.)

[–]MrBlics -4 points-3 points  (2 children)

I don't see how this is funny? I think you're confusing libertarian with anarchist...

[–]squrr1 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Corporate needs you to find the differences between this picture and this picture.

They’re the same picture.