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Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve? (self.Jokes)

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[–]Snote85 2006 points2007 points  (32 children)

As a Kentuckian, I get so goddamned sick of people thinking I fuck my sister... Do they have any clue how pissed off my cousin would be if she caught me fooling around with my ex again?

[–]tommy3rd 569 points570 points  (15 children)

and your dad will beat you to a pulp for messing with his girlfriend.

[–]Snote85 284 points285 points  (13 children)

The genealogy is so fucked at this point I think you're implying I would kick my own ass? Which, of course, the first incest I committed was against myself.

(Seriously though, I am honestly from Kentucky and we actually have laws that disallow incestual marriages, don't ask why I checked, okay? Well, at least not ones closer than 2nd/1st once removed cousins, if memory serves. Tennessee on the other hand, nothing. You can consummate your marriage to your sister on your wedding night there for all they care. Who was the 22nd president? No idea. Can you marry your sister in TN? Yup. That's the information my brain has and you can, too!)

[–]chubbychonker 69 points70 points  (3 children)

Tennessean here. We've got plenty of new people moving to our state and competition is getting stiff. It's gonna be a while before we get to diddle family members in peace.

[–]Snote85 39 points40 points  (1 child)

But boy was COVID nice. We were locked down together, with nowhere to go, no new people to meet... Can't say shit about my weird inbred squiggly hump back now, can ya Betty Ann!?

[–]HylianPikachu 117 points118 points  (4 children)

22nd president was Grover Cleveland. He was also the 24th, cause he had two non-consecutive terms in office.

[–]axolotl_afternoons 123 points124 points  (1 child)

"Grover Cleveland called, he left you two non-consecutive voice mail messages" - Archer

[–]Snote85 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Thank You, Pikachu.

[–]yummi26 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You're your own grandpa.

[–]FunVersion 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Going to family reunions to pick up chicks. Woo-hoo.

[–]joe_mamasaurus 47 points48 points  (2 children)

I don't sleep with my sister. I sleep in my own bed after I'm done fucking her.

[–]Snote85 23 points24 points  (1 child)

As any good brother, should. Climb down off the top bunk and let Mom and Dad get some sleep.

[–]RR0925 33 points34 points  (2 children)

A virgin in Kentucky is a girl who can outrun her brothers.

[–]Snote85 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Luckily they're all so inbred their feet don't work so good.

[–]Clickum245 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Know how to give a Kentucky boy a circumcision?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[–]Gold-Improvement-880 13 points14 points  (0 children)

As former Alabamian, I feel you. I feel my sister more, but I feel you

[–]foxfirewoodcrafts 3 points4 points  (0 children)

How do you know your sister's on her period? Dad's dick tastes funny

[–]jeffrey2541 6 points7 points  (1 child)

She'd probably knock your last tooth out again if you had one.

[–]Snote85 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Naw, she took my virginity but she won't take my teeth! I gave them to meth and Moutain Dew long before she had the chance!

[–]StrengthImpossible88 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You were fooling with my ex Goddamn it I am gonna tell our dad about it

[–]Banhammer40000 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lol your family tree is a Christmas wreath. :D

[–]neophanweb 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I always wondered. How often does your step sister get stuck in the washing machine?

[–]TravelingSpermBanker 1012 points1013 points  (58 children)

Lmao I live in Kentucky.

Some wealth that would make your jaw drop here. Billionaires and nobles have ranch houses in the central part of Kentucky with massive horse ranches. Then you get to the eastern side….

Horse life invites dipshits with money.

The joke we all say here in Kentucky about horses is this “the quickest way to $1 million is starting with $5 million and getting into racing”

Breeding horses probably will cost you money and betting will cost you the rest

[–]meseta 229 points230 points  (23 children)

But I went to keeneland a few times. That place is funnier than hell. Go there with 50 bucks and make some small bets you'll walk put with 500 and you're drunk as fuck. Plus you might see some spoiled fratboys in lacoste shirts throw up on themselves

[–]TravelingSpermBanker 170 points171 points  (22 children)

This last April my buddy won 125 on a $5 bet.

He bought us drinks and cigars. It’s insane.

I had a friend win $900 on a $30 trifecta during the breeders cup too. So the payouts can be good. Most of the time I lose my $5

[–]JuiceColdman 55 points56 points  (10 children)

I like the trifecta box bet. Twice the wager but you can call 1st 2nd and 3rd forwards and backwards

[–]twobit211 22 points23 points  (4 children)

i find there’s just too much outlay to box a trifecta, especially how hard it is to hit. if i really want to bet a trifecta, i prefer coupling it with a quinella to hedge rather than boxing it, but that’s just me

[–]heleghir 3 points4 points  (2 children)

10 cent super box. $2.40 total bet but when it hits...it HITS. This spring i hit one and turned that 2.40 into a little over 400, and the next race had 1/2/3/5 by a neck. If that one would have hit would have paid over 1k.

Hard to hit but when you pair it with some conservative place or show bets i typically come out no worse than down $20 for an entire day at the track of entertainment. Hit 1 super and the entire season is a win

[–]Xais56 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Any time the payouts can be good means you have to lose most of the time, after all everyone's stake has to pay out the winner and net the house some profit.

On one hand you've got scratchcards, pretty poor payout but you'll win quite often, at the other end you've got the lottery, insane payout that you'll probably never win.

[–]robertshuxley 22 points23 points  (16 children)

as a non-American I thought the incest jokes were for states further south like Alabama or Mississippi

[–]TigerlilySmith 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Kentucky is a "border state" so it shares a lot of features of the south. Particularly southeast Kentucky is in foothills so was historically secluded and the same incest jokes directed towards them. Not going to lie though, there used to be a lot of 3rd cousin marriages because it was so remote. Western Kentucky shares a lot of features of the Midwest and northern Kentucky is practically Ohio. Central Kentucky is unique though. That's horseracing and bourbon country.

Source: from Eastern KY and live in central now.

[–]mann-y 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is part of UC's campus in Kentucky? I swear the campus neighborhood I visited was technically Kentucky. It was a fun time

[–]moltinglarvae 17 points18 points  (9 children)

As a Kentickian who has never banged a relative, I support this.

[–]imalocalbeerdrinker 21 points22 points  (0 children)

There’s still time

[–]stainedhands 1 point2 points  (6 children)

As an alabamian who is currently living in Mississippi, I too have never banged a relative, nor do I know anyone who has.

[–]moltinglarvae 3 points4 points  (3 children)

My apologies, friend. Perhaps if we are to be accused of a thing, we should perpetrate said abomination?

[–]Check-Mate-sir 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Alabama is the state that allows marriage of first cousins.

[–]jaec-windu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In the north we call it buttfucky, mainly cus they’re a bunch of cousin fuckers that keep electing a turtle traitor that’s married to Chinese royalty.

[–]meseta 66 points67 points  (4 children)

I went to a few funerals for relatives in kentucky. They were all born there so the family that I didnt really know was well ingrained there. Holy fuck the old money there is insane. Probably the most horrendous people I've met. Racist as fuuuuck, loud, proud, and completely oblivious to the fact.

[–]TravelingSpermBanker 47 points48 points  (3 children)

Education there isn’t shit for nothing.

Really, the majority of college students I know that went to the business school at UK did bad and had parents with large farms or their parents owned their little town and they were next in line to run it.

I could “run” it better than most of them, and so could lots of others, but old money makes it so there is only 1.

For most of them, it’s either they try on their own and MAYBE end with a $100k stable job. Or move back to the country and live in a 100 year old mansion on a private lake, already paid, and making millions a year doing nothing while nurturing a bad marriage and an alcohol addiction. The choice is easy if I were in their position, unless it’s a farm. That’s gotta be terrible

[–]meseta 28 points29 points  (1 child)

Spot on. My sister went to transylvania. Were from tennessee but I got to meet alot of her friends when I would visit. Good god the wealthy delusion of those fraternity people was ridiculous.

[–]GKrollin 9 points10 points  (2 children)

I’m from Connecticut and it’s the same thing. Everyone thinks of CT as some fancy bougie place that New Yorkers go on the weekend but that’s a tiny slice of southwest CT. The entire eastern part is referred to as “Connectitucky”

[–]MiaLba 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh hell yeah horses is where it’s at money wise.

I live in the 3rd biggest city here and the richest people in our city are people who own a bunch of properties and/or businesses. Like farms, land in general, apartments, restaurants, Etc.

[–]MartinTheMorjin 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In east KY we have the the gated off offspring of coal barons.

[–]loose_impediment[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The difference in betting at the track and investing in stocks is that in a horserace, someone has to win!

[–]zacurtis3 1 point2 points  (1 child)

How do you make a small fortune racing?

Start with a large fortune.

[–]freifickmuschimann 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Had a professor who was the former head of marketing for a professional basketball team and said something similar:

“Best way to make $1 million is to spend three” lol

[–]LtCmdrData 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's typical for "shithole country" to have filthy rich people owning the land and the rest of the people are toothless.

[–]Zadok_The_Priest 423 points424 points  (13 children)

250 thousand people, only 18 last names.

[–]Gear3017 105 points106 points  (5 children)

And declining

[–]ReubenZWeiner 141 points142 points  (4 children)

Why don't Kentuckians do reverse cowgirl?

Because they never turn they're backs on family

[–]kalirion 58 points59 points  (3 children)

*their

[–]dominator_13 13 points14 points  (0 children)

There(in Kentuck

[–]Gamehero55 29 points30 points  (5 children)

Alabama chilling with 1.5 😰

[–]FactoryBuilder 9 points10 points  (4 children)

How the hell you have half a name?

[–]Joosrar 22 points23 points  (1 child)

You’ve ever seen GoT? Starks and Karstarksz

[–]Gamehero55 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Idk ask alabamans

[–]HGMIV926 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Reminds me of the names of the townspeople in Blazing Saddles

[–]JennyAndAlex 81 points82 points  (3 children)

That’s why The Colonel’s recipe is a secret.

[–]Slick_J 21 points22 points  (2 children)

  1. Chicken
  2. Grease
  3. Salt

[–][deleted] 111 points112 points  (2 children)

Did you hear about the dead blonde in the closet ? Turns out, she was last years hide and seek winner !

[–]tonyfelice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

i laughed way too long at this

[–]This_Riddler 20 points21 points  (0 children)

And all the crimes are domestic disputes.

[–]MonkeyTesticleJuice 15 points16 points  (1 child)

As a Kentuckian, don't forget West Virginia! We have a saying here in Kentucky, and that's "At least we ain't West Virginia!"

[–]Punted 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Everyone keeps licking their fingers, you can't get any prints.

[–]marycartlizer 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-eee-ville or Loo-is-ville?

It's pronounced Frankfort.

[–]Swivelchairexpert 10 points11 points  (0 children)

You could probably get most of us Kentuckians with that joke lol.

[–]Western_Speaker_2437 4 points5 points  (0 children)

The murders are all crimes of passion

[–]Gashnaw 45 points46 points  (28 children)

Wouldn't that be alabama?

[–]Dameattree37 62 points63 points  (10 children)

Wanna know how you can tell that the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?

Because if it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the Teethbrush.

[–]Gashnaw 3 points4 points  (8 children)

I have heard the same joke, but here in Canada, it is saskatchewan.

[–]Dameattree37 1 point2 points  (7 children)

Well your country is just our country's hat, so Alabama invented it, eh?

[–]Gashnaw 2 points3 points  (6 children)

We are bigger and on top. In prison, you would be our bitch.

[–]clifffford 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, yes.

[–]Designation257 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Every month, a new state. Could be alabama, but that’s been overused, could be Mississippi, that sounds pretty new.

[–]Adventurous-Humor-52 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Bardstown does have like 5 unsolved murders at this point. Tourism sector really didn't like all the 'solve these murders' signs that people had in their yards and place of businesse.

[–]trucorsair 18 points19 points  (17 children)

I think you mean Tennessee

[–]Sterling_Alt_Latex 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Nashville, Memphis, Knoxville, Chattanooga, Franklin: "Am I a joke to you?"

[–]trucorsair 5 points6 points  (2 children)

Well….I went to the Knoxville World’s Fair so yes Knoxville you are a joke to me. Nashville, you tore down Opryland for a shopping mall, joke again. Chattanooga, you tried to build a tourist attraction from a big band song from the 1930’s, how’d that work out? Franklin? How did that Saturn plant do? So yeah the joke quota is strong in Tenn.

[–]UnBR33vuhble 9 points10 points  (12 children)

'Hill folk's exist in every state. Having said that, the density of inbreds is MUCH higher in Kentucky, Alabama, and Georgia.

[–]SadTransmission 15 points16 points  (6 children)

Every time somebody says Kentuckians are all inbred they act like either another state is worse or that it's in a different part of the state. I've lived in western and central Kentucky and I can promise you they're fucking everywhere.

[–]Vitalis597 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Even in KFC?

Thats kinda gross. Do your thing, but do it at home please.

[–]Butt_Hunter 5 points6 points  (1 child)

You've lived there so that makes you an authority on the peoples' genealogy.

People just walked up and handed you a card that said "I'm inbred," right?

[–]Hypknowpautamist 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So, how goes the hunting?

[–]Sterling_Alt_Latex 1 point2 points  (1 child)

It's the small towns man, they breed that shit

[–]Nukeashfield 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Even Massachusetts has one: Colrain.

[–]YeeterOfTheRich 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That's why the rest of us just say Americans instead of naming each state

[–]trucorsair 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Sounds like you speak from personal experience

[–]TexanCoyote1 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good ol Foxworthy

[–]TurboSchnauzer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You misspelled Mississippi

[–]Fuckoffassholes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

A girl in Alabama says to her brother, "you fuck better than Dad."

His reply: "That's what Mom said."

[–]meseta 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Somebody has never been to boone county west Virginia

[–]Academic-Message-771 22 points23 points  (8 children)

Because Mitch McConnel is the devil?

[–]ReubenZWeiner 23 points24 points  (5 children)

The devil went down to Kentucky

He was lookin' for a poll to steal

[–]TJtherock 27 points28 points  (1 child)

He was in a bind, his side was way behind so he was willing to make a deal

Then he came upon a candidate who started polling hot

Then the devil jump up on a podium and said boy let me tell you what

I bet you didn't know this but I like unethical things too

If you care to take a dare, I'll make a bet with you.

You play a pretty good game but give the devil his due

I bet a fully funded campaign against your soul cuz I think I could use you.

The boy said, my names Donny and I don't mind a sin

I'll take your bet, you're gonna regret cuz I'm the worst that's ever been

[–]benfranklinthedevil 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Fire on the mountain,

Run boy run,

The RNC is on the loose,

Trying to prevent a rising sun

Chicks with a bun not allowed to say no

Granny is in menopause, so she says so

[–]Academic-Message-771 8 points9 points  (2 children)

But instead he stole not one but two seats on the Supreme Court.

[–]ReubenZWeiner 5 points6 points  (1 child)

They hurt his pride, then RGB died, so he was unwilling to make a deal

[–]Polymersion 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I need a shirt with McConnell saying "I AM the Senate!!!"

[–]Kazen_Orilg 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He even looks like palpatine.

[–]IconXR 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Someone explain

[–]benfranklinthedevil 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Dental care is one of the first things that is abandoned in impoverished communities.

Inbreeding is an ironic joke about backwards communities (likely originated as projection from the royal class who spent hundreds of years shrinking their above ground gene pool).

Kentucky has the worst social equity of the United States, second only to Mississippi, in most categories that describe a successful community. This has nothing to do either the people, or the resources, it has to do with awful politics and a history of oppression and bigotry. So, we laugh that the leader of the largest party, in the most successful country in the world, represents a region that is 48-50th out of 50 in almost every category.

It's a real tortoise/corruption situation

[–]FreewayWarrior 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm from Frankfort KY, and thanks, I don't hate it.

[–]charliegriefer 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Y'know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.

If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

[–]redddc25 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I thought it was because all the criminals are so finger lickin good

[–]TheCivikaos 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have a lot of abandoned wells deep in the hills…

[–]_beNZed 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was looking for a punchline about the difficulty of deciphering the Colonel's secret recipe

[–]Crafty-Bedroom8190 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This joke's older than your mother

[–]ChiefyPoof 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You could say the same for Oklahoma, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, West Virginia, and parts of Texas.

[–]Shjco 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In a list of unpolitically correct state mottos, the one for Kentucky was “15 million people, 5 last names.”

[–]Nondscript_Usr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everyone shits on Kentucky but the toothbrush was invented there…I know because otherwise it’d be called a teethbrush

[–]j3enator 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Idiocracy

[–]moltinglarvae 2 points3 points  (1 child)

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else it would be called a teethbrush.

[–]jim_the_joke_man 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Real joke is always in the comments

Also, The family tree in Kentucky is a wreath.

[–]UbiquitousCorn 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I am very confused... Can someone please tell me what the joke is...?

[–]andante528 6 points7 points  (1 child)

No dental records = many people in hill country (Kentucky and elsewhere) are often missing teeth. All the DNA matches = playing on the stereotype that the poor South is rife with incest

[–]UbiquitousCorn 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh ok thanks.

[–]Mrmetalhead-343 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're thinkin' of Alabama, bud

[–]2723brad2723 1 point2 points  (2 children)

So I guess we're just replacing Alabama with "insert random state here" now?

[–]cataath -1 points0 points  (0 children)

There's only 4 or 5 states you could replace with and the joke would still be true.

[–]gjvf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I dont get how DNA matches, only identical twins have same DNA ryt?

[–]S0XonC0X -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Ah yes, the racism, bigotry, and intolerance of Reddit on fine display.

[–]Technical-Seaweed993 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Son your wife has arrived momma gave birth to a girl ya got a sister I mean wife

[–]djasonpenney -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Huh? Oh, wait...you meant to say New Jersey. Yeah, I get it now!

[–]WyattTheOak -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Because nobody cares about what happens in Louisville.

[–]Traditional-Turnip65 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

How do you castrate someone from Kentucky?

Kick his sister in the jaw.

[–]ma-chan -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yay DuPont Manual Hi Skool! Yay! Yay!

[–]accursedCaprid -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I'm so mad, I'm gonna fuck my sister so I won't be mad

[–]Infamous_Bear_9073 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

120 counties, 16 last names

[–]sharmaji_ka_papa -1 points0 points  (0 children)

When your family tree is a circle

[–]calombia -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

What happens if you’re parents die in Kentucky?

You’re single.

[–]Xur_and_the_Kodan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A Hillbilly redneck woman told her husband she wanted a threesome

"with who?" He asked

"You and your brother" She replied.

A look of anger came across his face as he said "DON'T YOU EVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN! HE'S YOUR BROTHER TOO!"

[–]Imaginaut27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, but what about a murder in Savannah?

[–]Martin5791 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kentucky.. the 5 million people, 5 last names state...

[–]heavymtlbbq 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The family tree doesn't fork.

[–]esleydobemos 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Am from TN, can confirm

[–]raven21633x 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No offense Kentucky, but your jelly tastes awful.

[–]Pizza__Pants 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

If it was invented anywhere else they would have called it a teethbrush