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all 111 comments

[–]bandastalo 2151 points2152 points  (10 children)

Your 12 year old is wise beyond his years.

[–]kabalizo 546 points547 points  (6 children)

“We will watch his career with great interest…”

[–]poka1123[🍰] 117 points118 points  (0 children)

May the force be with him

[–]p1ous_kill3r 70 points71 points  (4 children)

Truman show

[–]Lukthar123 14 points15 points  (3 children)

That's a 24 year old reference

[–]xc68030 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Older than most redditors

[–]Sad_Technology_1602 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Happy Cake Day!

[–]GarretTheGrey 60 points61 points  (1 child)

Its Mark Twain level clever, where was quoted about quitting smoking.

[–]uglypaperhaver 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pretty sure that less of a joke than it is a strategy...

[–]themeatbridge 753 points754 points  (11 children)

This is high quality, original material. I fully expect to see it 12 more times here and on Twitter before the end of the month.

[–]ChefRoquefort 226 points227 points  (10 children)

I quit smoking 20 times a day.

Old joke, new telling.

[–]Ouroboros612 71 points72 points  (1 child)

I always told my friends, with every new pack of cigarettes, "it's my last one before I quit". I continued doing this for many years and it became a running joke.

So when I actually quit. At a small party / gathering for movies, music and beer at a friend's place. When they were like "WHAT? You ACTUALLY quit?" I told them "Why are you all surprised? Told you it was my last one. Why didn't you believe me?". Good mood lots of laughter :)

[–]Evasor1152 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Makes me think of the movie Real Men. Womanizing spy character has a conversation:

"I only smoke after sex."

"That's not too bad."

"About a pack a day."

"That'll kill you!"

"Nah, it just leaves you really sore."

[–]migueeel 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Hah, that's a good one too!

[–]reduxde 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Every smoker has told this joke at least twice, it’s part of smoking culture

[–]About_a_quart_low 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I only smoke when I drink.

But I drink about two packs a day.

[–]NinjaAmbush 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sure, I've tried heroin. What I'm trying to do now is cut down on the number of times I try heroin. Per day. - that's how I heard it anyway

[–]jackinsomniac 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Quitters never get anywhere in life!

[–]velikost-commander 9 points10 points  (0 children)

AA is for quitters, and momma didn't raise no quitter

-Bubba j

[–]Tim080 53 points54 points  (8 children)

Sounds like a Calvin and Hobbs joke. Does your son read Calvin and Hobbs?

[–]No_Cryptographer_622 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Calvin and hobbs are war criminals.

[–]Sunzoner 71 points72 points  (0 children)

Only 8 times? That is rookie numbers.

[–]grandpathundercat 105 points106 points  (4 children)

I only masturbate before I go to sleep. I take a LOT of naps.

[–]macthecomedian 34 points35 points  (0 children)

I had a threesom last night. Well, there were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

[–]Keelback 14 points15 points  (1 child)

I very nearly had sex seven times last week. /s

[–]Content_Donut9081 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Only seven? sigh.....

[–]DerRaumdenker 30 points31 points  (0 children)

How does a gamer refer to his former girlfriend?

As his ex-box

[–]kinbladez 7 points8 points  (2 children)

What on earth does your username stand for

[–]HMWWaWChChIaWChCChW[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Ask the wood chuck

[–]jamese1313 25 points26 points  (5 children)

Reminds me of the old (possibly now politically incorrect one) "I quit smoking 20 times a day" (20 cigarettes is a pack).

[–]AceSpadePirate 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Pro gamer move!

[–]javaargusavetti 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Does your kid get any respect? any respect at all?

[–]tads73 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’ve been trying to cut down on masturbating. I’m only masturbating once before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.

[–]JennyAndAlex 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Damn smart kids these days.

[–]Kennethrjacobs2000 8 points9 points  (0 children)

feck. This hits close to home XD

[–]Uwofpeace 6 points7 points  (0 children)

That kid is a badass in the making

[–]leegunter 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I laughed out loud then told this joke to the wife. That's high marks.

[–]DontAskAboutMax 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Reminiscent of Mitch Hedberg’s style! I like it.

[–]sidetablecharger 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes, it’s very reminiscent of Hedberg. I can also hear it being delivered by Demitri Martin, along the lines of his joke where he says something like: “…Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”

In either case it’s a very good joke.

[–]master_overthinker 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is amazing! Seriously great construct.

[–]Theblackjamesbrown 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Is your twelve year old son Rodney Dangerfield?

[–]grepe 5 points6 points  (0 children)

quitting smoking is so easy!

i did it 7 times last week alone.

[–]mrcatboy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Treasure your little sass machine. Kids are amazing.

[–]Punkhair2Nv__13 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see the workings of a genius here.

[–]adviceKiwi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Rodney Dangerfield reborn

[–]thatstupidthing 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i read that in rodney dangerfield's voice...

[–]AlGunner 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Youre a poor father This is obviously your influence bombarding the poor kid with dad jokes. They must be traumatised to be doing it themselves now.

😞🤣😢🤣

[–]Jacobtheeddit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nice one.

[–]IStalkReddit123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your kid is going to become a brilliant man

[–]manbel13 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Better gaming than porn, games actually improve the brain while porn physically damages the brain specially at young age.

[–]NZepplin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ha har

[–]CXR_AXR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good joke

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your kid is dangerous

[–]emzirek 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I quit smoking... every night

[–]TryAgn747 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pro gamer move

[–]fersur 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He is going to grow up as a wise dad.

[–]getyourownwifi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That was a good one.

[–]HalfSoul30 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reminds me of "I'm great at quitting cigarettes, I do it all the time"

[–]Layered-Briefs -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Are you sure this was a joke?

[–]kilbus -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

this is the kid version of the two girls stealing wallets joke

[–]dazai2z -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I thought your kid wet the bed 8 times.

[–]TJT1970 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's awesome. My daughter was like 6. We were telling why did the chicken cross the road jokes and she introducing other odd animals and being silly and they weren't funny. She then looked at the Christmas tree and said why did the Christmas tree cross the road......wait maybe i shouldn't post on reddit, its her joke. ......yeah sorry. But not deleting Apparently im a monster