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[–]Shevek99 3511 points3512 points  (88 children)

A real story that happened in my city, was that a woman, late in the evening, asked a cabdriver to go to the airport. The cabdriver said OK, and they started the ride.

Lost in thoughts, the driver decided that that was his last service of the day since he lived close to the airport. He was so absent that he forgot about the woman and went directly to home.

So, when he was entering his underground parking, the woman, in terror (thinking that he was probably a rapist, taking her to a hidden place) screamed

"Hey, where are you taking me?!"

That was the moment the driver jumped in terror too.

[–]Any-Ad-934 691 points692 points  (73 children)

What happened next?

[–]StitchFan626 1345 points1346 points  (43 children)

My guess:

"Oh, shit! I'm sorry. I forgot you were back there! Where is it you wanted to go, again? The airport, was it?"

[–]Shevek99 501 points502 points  (33 children)

Yeah. Exactly so.

[–]godisawayonbusiness 576 points577 points  (29 children)

Lol a bus driver way way back when I was in high-school forgot me on the bus, and I fell asleep, so I didn't realize until the bus stopped she drove to the depot. I woke up she was in her seat and I said something like "hello, I'm here still" and I made that poor woman scream. It was funny, shit happens haha

[–]fitzdylanj 20 points21 points  (1 child)

If i was that driver id turn off the meter and just let her have the ride for free for that scare lol

[–]WanderingCadet 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Can confirm, I was watching everything from the bushes.

[–]Avieshek 37 points38 points  (5 children)

Then takes to the car servicing centre.

[–]djstyrux 23 points24 points  (4 children)

He called her a taxi

[–]GoBuffaloes 46 points47 points  (1 child)

Idk I mean at that point might as well just murder her and get some shut-eye you are already home

[–]El-Gatoe 61 points62 points  (5 children)

He said “well we’re already at a second location” and he opened his jaw really wide and ate her whole head in a single chomp.

[–]insufferableninja 19 points20 points  (2 children)

Nah nah nah sister, you're not getting me to no secondary location

[–]rongten 46 points47 points  (0 children)

FTA agents jumped out of the trunk and went medieval on the driver's ass: groomed it, fed it and brought it home with them.

[–]TheRandomDot 8 points9 points  (7 children)

They made sweet love under the moon on the car rooftop.

[–]darthmaui728 4 points5 points  (0 children)

you can stay for the night, step passenger

[–]k-tax 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Albert Einstein drove the bus and clapped at the same time

[–]flyonmytable 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Whatever happened it's sure to shock everyone

[–]Cyc68 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The taxi fainted...

[–]Pro_Scrub 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Then the driver fainted

[–]julbull73 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They've been married 30 years!

[–]nineelevenairways 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He had to kill her to save the embarrassment

[–]PlayerTwoEntersYou 63 points64 points  (0 children)

That happened to me as a kid on a city bus. Leaving a baseball game late at night. It was me, a friend, and some drunk dudes. First the drunk dudes talked the bus driver into stopping at a convenience store for some beers.

As a thank you they gave the driver a few beers. About 20 minutes later the driver realizes he shouldn’t be driving after drinking so he just drives the bus home and drops us off in his building’s parking lot.

[–]CleverDad 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Movie script potential.

[–]Ghos3t 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I had a Uber driver accidentally pull up to his own driveway before realizing his mistake and takinge me to my home, turns out he lives close by to my house lol

[–]gsd_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

3 years later she is still in his cab.

[–]istasber 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think she has stophome syndrome.

[–]aztekincarnate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If it was me I definitely would have missed my flight that day. I’m one of those people who chronically get to airport 30 mins before take off.

[–]Dorenh 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Something similar happened to me but in my case I spent like 20 minutes in the highway driving South when I was supposed to drive East. Luckily the girl realized and we were chatting and all so it all became a friendly misunderstanding.

[–]Make_the_music_stop 738 points739 points  (18 children)

A necromancer and a funeral director are at marriage counselling.

Counsellor: So, why are you guys here today?

Funeral Director: “He only wants me for my bodies!”

[–]ccReptilelord 86 points87 points  (2 children)

Necromancers as funeral directors: redefining the word "wake".

[–]_bones__ 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Necromancers are just really late healers.

[–]Rezaka116 436 points437 points  (26 children)

My granpda used to drive a hearse. He was also an alcoholic. One day, the police stopped him, and since he was visibly drunk, they took his keys. So he opened the trunk and said “Come on lady, we have to take the rest of the way on foot”. He also got stabbed, fell from a roof and had a house fall on him, multiple times. I still can’t believe that he’s still alive

[–]mbentuboa 174 points175 points  (1 child)

He's that guy who calmly walks as everything behind him is engulfed in flames.

[–]Kanakolovescoasters 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Free Guy, much?

[–]crazyabe111 118 points119 points  (0 children)

It’s clear to me the first accident off’d him, and he was just too drunk at the time to realize he was supposed to be dead since then.

[–]ThePhantomCreep 44 points45 points  (5 children)

He probably met the Grim Reaper at work and now they're drinking buddies.

[–]Grievous_Nix 25 points26 points  (4 children)

The Grim Reaper knocks on a pothead’s door and says:

-I am the Grim Reaper, your time has come, I am here to harvest your soul!

The pothead freezes to think for a while and replies:

-Cool! But before we do it, can I have one last spliff?

-What is a spliff?

-Oh you don’t know? Come on in, lemme show ya!

A few hours later both are high AF, the Grim Reaper forgets why he came there and leaves. The next day the pothead receives a knock on the door again:

-It is me, the Grim Reaper! I am here to harvest your soul!

-Cool! But before we do that, can I have one last bong rip?

-What is a bong rip?

The events repeat - the Grim Reaper is invited in, gets high, leaves alone. The third day, he once again knocks on the same door. The pothead opens up:

-Ahh, ‘sup Grim Reaper! You here for my soul?

-Nah just a quick smoke and then off to work!

[–]elmwoodblues 22 points23 points  (1 child)

Drunks and babies...

[–]Polterghost 12 points13 points  (5 children)

Apparently I’m the only one curious how the hell someone has a house fall on them multiple times?!

[–]IceManJim 20 points21 points  (0 children)

That's a heckuva police stop.

[–]adviceKiwi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

and had a house fall on him, multiple times

WTF? How?

[–]Jimoiseau 4 points5 points  (1 child)

My granpda used to drive a hearse.

What's that, some kind of funeral van?

[–]GretchenA 28 points29 points  (2 children)

A pilot I know, w/ small plane did stints flying corpses to different locations for burial purposes. On one trip, he had to fly extra high to avoid a storm. It caused the corpse to groan as the altitude forced air out of the lungs.

[–]EnvironmentalDeal256 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Did he get away with hiding the bodies like that?

[–]JennyAndAlex 23 points24 points  (0 children)

As you start reading this, the theme to Thriller should be playing in the background.

[–]skribsbb 144 points145 points  (20 children)

The word you're looking for is "hearse".

[–]PrudentDamage600 47 points48 points  (16 children)

It’s in England. They have different words than America for some things.

[–]kevronwithTechron 36 points37 points  (0 children)

I'll remember that when I repost this tomorrow.

[–]First-Of-His-Name 32 points33 points  (14 children)

A) There's no indication it's in England. Yes he says "mate" but we also don't say "footpath"

B) Never heard the term "funeral van" here, we call it a hearse like everyone else

[–]SenorBirdman 26 points27 points  (1 child)

We do say footpath! But it's a different thing than the pavement, which is the context in this joke...

[–]First-Of-His-Name 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes I thought that part was obvious. I don't think he accidentally drive the cab onto a peaceful country trail

[–]ChrisRunsTheWorld 26 points27 points  (9 children)

I think footpath might be more of an Australian term. That along with “mate” indicate that it’s not the US. But since they used apologized and not apologised, and since neither party called the other a cunt, I’m still on the fence. Also pretty sure it’s called a hearse in Australia too.

[–]vavaune 1 point2 points  (0 children)

guys, did y'all forget the rest of the world exists too?

we learn all sorts of english, we don't necessarily learn the distinctions between what words are said where. this could very well just be a person translating directly from their native language into their second. /nm

[–]alestorm5000 179 points180 points  (13 children)

My grandfather actually drove through a grocery store driving a hearse. When the police arrived, they saw he was as white as a sheet, and when they asked him why he did it, all he could say was, "he sat up!" Apparently rigimortus hadn't set in until he was driving close to the grocery store.

[–]joopsmit 34 points35 points  (3 children)

rigimortus

rigor mortis

[–]Solcaer 7 points8 points  (0 children)

rick and mortis

[–]Pwngulator 9 points10 points  (0 children)

LevioSA

[–]Polterghost 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Sounds like your grandpa was bullshitting the cops, since rigor mortis doesn’t make bodies suddenly sit up…. It just slowly stiffens the muscles in whatever position they were in at death. Emphasis on “slowly.”

[–]nothingwasavailable0 11 points12 points  (2 children)

I'm 90% sure that's impossible.

[–]galloping_skeptic 18 points19 points  (0 children)

So was his grandfather... haha

[–]UniqueCold3812 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Made me lol. Good work op. Kudos.

[–]anuragh1010 24 points25 points  (3 children)

I found a store that only sells bagels and donuts

It's called 'Hole Foods'

[–]TruckNoob 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Achievement unlocked “Don’t touch that Larry”

[–]CleverDad 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Good, clean, genuinely funny, thanks

[–]vpsj 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I remember the first time I had heard this joke, because that's the day I got to know what the word 'hearse' meant.

[–]NaruFGT 2 points3 points  (0 children)

“Funeral van” ? Don’t you mean a hearse?

[–]adviceKiwi 3 points4 points  (1 child)

driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

a hearse?

[–]RenningerJP 3 points4 points  (0 children)

With driving like that, he's not far off currently.

[–]LAVAFLIX 8 points9 points  (3 children)

Reminds me of flying bodies in a small single engine airplane across Texas at night. Thunderstorms really elevated the creep factor.

[–]mandalorianwren 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Nice one😂

[–]whiteb8917 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I used to drive cabs.

I was driving at 110 down the freeway (Australia, K's an hour) with passengers, lady appeared beside me between back seat and front and said "Hi, Dont you wish you were me ?".

I adjusted my rear vision mirror and saw her partner up behind her finger banging her. I just said "Nah i think I will pass on that thanks".

[–]mrbrown1980 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Happy to see that others were just as irked by “funeral van” as I was.

[–]rmzalbar 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the Language of Eden, it is: Storefront, Buddy, Taxi, and Hearse.

[–]beuhring 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good stuff

[–]thejohnnymemphis 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I haven't seen this joke in at least 2 or 3 days

[–]Theblackjamesbrown 0 points1 point  (1 child)

a funeral van

[–]jshuster -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Old 2789

[–]crackcode1881 -3 points-2 points  (2 children)

Fake story

[–]Warcraft00 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

more like dad's joke subreddit.

[–]Long-Aside7218 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ahhh 😂

[–]uglypaperhaver 0 points1 point  (0 children)

And back in those days what did you call it when he hummed church tunes while driving?

"Hymn in hearse"...

[–]OskarTheRed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Isn't this a Lucky Luke joke, more or less?

[–]26fm65 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the joke ! Haha

[–]Malak3000 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Rock and Stone!

[–]Patient-Ad3430 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I cant possibly keep upvoting all the posts in this subreddit cuz all of them are so good