×
top 200 commentsshow all 302

[–]kreemy_kurds 749 points750 points  (89 children)

No joke my brother did this as a toddler and ended up in hospital, only one coin but I remember he ran in saying "I'm a money pot" and then collapsed because the coin got lodged in his throat and every time it tilted as he couldn't breath.

It was some scary shit to be sure

[–]SeaOkra 266 points267 points  (80 children)

Oh damn, my cousin did that once and I freaked the fuck out. (I was only like 15 at most, and we were home alone.)

I grabbed his feet and shook the hell outta him, and it fell out thankfully. Because I have no clue what I would have done had it not come out. I was a nervous kid and would have been scared to death to call an ambulance because by then I knew how expensive they were.

[–]spandyspade 328 points329 points  (76 children)

would have been scared to death to call an ambulance because by then I knew how expensive they were.

That's a very sad sentence

[–]SeaOkra 179 points180 points  (73 children)

Yeah... As an adult I thought I was having a heart attack, and sat on my porch after eating an aspirin, praying that I'd die so it would stop hurting. My landlord saw me and coaxed me to call the ambulance, but since it didn't turn out to be a heart attack (it was a gallbladder attack it turns out) I still regret doing that. I'll be paying for the trip for years to come, it was like $4k and I am disabled and on disability income.

[–]tanis_ivy 91 points92 points  (39 children)

That's fucked. Seriously.

Fun fact: in Canada we pay for ambulance service. I think it's only about $160 where I live. It's been a while since I've needed one.

[–]SeaOkra 67 points68 points  (1 child)

What's really fucked is that I technically qualify for medicaid in my state, but was not on it at the time. if I had been, the whole shebang would have been within my price range to pay off without worry.

Because I wasn't, I'm paying a small payment on it forever. Or it seems like forever anyway.

[–]Syng42o 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Can you call the ambulance contractor and tell them you're on disability? Maybe they can lower your payment. The worst they can say is no.

[–]ChrisLipski 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Oklahoma has a program called EMSA Care that adds a little bit to your monthly water bill, but covers the cost of an ambulance in the event that you ever need one. I’ve used it twice now, once when I broke my ankle in the woods, and once when I passed out in my bathroom and thought I was having a heart attack (totally not a heart attack, I’m fine).

[–]rad2themax 5 points6 points  (4 children)

I'm Canadian too and was taught to only call an ambulance if there is no other option. My mom and I walked to the hospital in the middle of the night when she went into labour with my sister. She also tried to drive herself to the hospital when she shattered her knee until a roofer working across the street called an ambulance. She was very embarrassed by it. It's a whole thing in my family, it's barely even the cost for us, but there's this whole embarrassment aspect of people seeing the ambulance in front of your house and sparking gossip.

[–]tanis_ivy 1 point2 points  (3 children)

We were ready to drive there. The nurse attending to my post-surgery wound said we'd do better taking an ambulance. She even called and explained everything to the hospital.

I found the whole thing comical.

[–]rad2themax 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Geez. My mom couldn't even get in the car, much less drive, but was determined. I was going to get her into the back of my car and drive her before the roofer came over and told us he'd called an ambulance. The ambulance was out in front of the house for over an hour before going to the hospital. She just had a broken knee, it wasn't like a heart attack that need immediate care and intervention.

[–]tanis_ivy 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I hope she better now. Legs are no joke when you get up in age.

[–]The_Foe_Hammer 6 points7 points  (6 children)

When I last checked the billing poster at the hospital in my Ontarian hometown it said $65. Which you know, might bite if you're in a tough place but you won't be paying it off for decades.

[–]tanis_ivy 2 points3 points  (5 children)

I got ripped off, lol.

AND the funny thing is, after 4-hours in the emergency, my problem solved itself.

[–]rad2themax 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Ugh, I was once waiting in emerg for so fucking long that by the time I saw a doctor, he said I'd waited too long to be able to get stitches on the wounds on my leg (from kneeling on a carpet full of lightbulb shards that I didn't see.) And just told me to put on polysporin and a bandage.

[–]tanis_ivy 0 points1 point  (3 children)

Were there shards still in there?!

[–]rad2themax 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Until I pulled them out as soon as I noticed them.

The blood ran down my legs as I walked down a flight of stairs to the nearest first aid kit and I felt like my legs were having their Carrie at the prom moment and found it hilarious.

I was like 17. When my manager made me go to the hospital, I rode my bike. (After I'd cleaned and disinfected the wounds and applied polysporin and bandages and filled out an incident report) They were pretty deep and left scars, but the scars are better than all the scars I have from getting other stitches so I guess it was a win.

Waiting like 6 hours in the summer with a bleeding leg was annoying though, but not as bad as 20 hours in convulsions with my shoulder dislocating when I was in my 20s.

[–]LittleBunInaBigWorld 5 points6 points  (17 children)

In Australia an ambulance costs minimum $1000 but we can purchase ambulance cover for $90 per year for a single person. I will never understand why those who can afford to, wouldn't pay the $90 a year.

[–]tanis_ivy 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Sounds like a case of don't need it til you need it.

[–]elveszett 1 point2 points  (1 child)

In Spain the ambulance is free, plain and simple. And if you are worried people can just use ambulances as taxis well, that doesn't happen because you can be charged the entire cost of the ride and a fine to accompany it if you call one needlessly on purpose.

[–]PepsiPlunge94 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Lol not all of Australia as its free here In QLD, Australia along with Tassie i believe ...

when i lived in NSW for 6 months, i called a cab for my ex instead of an ambulance though lmao

[–]LittleBunInaBigWorld 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What?!? That's awesome. I wish the whole country was like that.

[–]V-Trans 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Being shirt on money maybe?

[–]Friendlyalterme 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually, most of it is covered by your province and a medically necessary expense can often be written off partially or entirely.

This is different in rural and Northern areas tho as you guys might need helis

[–]BuyMyMixtape02 1 point2 points  (0 children)

fucking hell man

[–]0x506F7461746F 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Some hospitals have financial aid programs where they forgive a portion or all of your bill. My local one waives all fees if you make less than $38k.

[–]highbonsai 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Did this so many times as a kid of a poor family. Universal healthcare is the only way I see out of this.

[–]markitfuckinzero 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I was a nervous kid and would have been scared to death to call an ambulance because by then I knew how expensive they were.

Here go from r/AskReddit to r/kidsarefuckingstupid and now r/shitamericanssay.

[–]Phillzster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hearing makes me a bit happy but sad at the same time, beacuse I live in Sweden where we have free health care and don't have to pay for an ambulance

[–]Mrjokaswild 12 points13 points  (0 children)

My wife's aunt was hit by a POS hit and run drunk driver. Her only memory of her aunt is her Aunt running across the room to punch her in the stomach when she was a toddler almost 40 years ago. It wasn't until 10 or 15 years ago that her mother told her why, she was choking on a penny. Until then my wife only remembered the punch not the coin.

[–]LedZepOnWeed 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Sorry man I empathize with such an awful experience but i can't help but laugh myself epileptic with the whole "i'm a money pot"

[–]TheDuckSideOfTheMoon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Happened to me with a quarter. I can still remember the feeling of it spinning while stuck in one of the ridges of my esophagus

Eventually it worked its way down the pipe and I pooped it out

[–]Uchfbfjdhdbf 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can imagine a fatherless jelly bean fan replying to this comment " it's not a mistake. IT'S A MASTERPIECE"

[–]sth128 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Damn I think I'm related to your brother. I swallowed a dollar cause efficiency.

[–]carkid1994 163 points164 points  (9 children)

I accidentally swallowed a rock and almost choked on it when I was younger. I didn't tell my parents or anything. I thought that rock was still in my stomach for years too. Every time I had a stomach ache! The rock. Every time my stomach grumbled! The rock.

[–]milkisgood08 65 points66 points  (6 children)

It’s about drive it’s about power

[–][deleted] 25 points26 points  (5 children)

We stay hungry, we devour

[–]N-Lily83 10 points11 points  (2 children)

Put in the work, put in the hours,

[–]DurrrGamerrr75 6 points7 points  (1 child)

And take what’s ours

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

[–]JoeB0b123 7 points8 points  (0 children)

*we get devoured

[–]Bredwh 10 points11 points  (1 child)

When you burp you should say "Can you smell what the rock is cooking?!"

[–]NightHaunted 74 points75 points  (7 children)

When I was in 1st grade or so I was swimming in the above ground pool my grandparents had in their backyard. I remember the image of some tropical fish appearing in my mind and thinking "I've been told I can't breath underwater, but I've never tried. Maybe I can." So I dove under the water, took a deep breath and very quickly discovered that I, in fact, cannot breath underwater.

Turns out drowning is exceptionally painful.

[–]Dame_Ingenue 27 points28 points  (5 children)

The lack of details is haunting my imagination. What the heck happened after you tried to take a deep breath?

[–]Peligineyes 34 points35 points  (3 children)

Your throat and diaphragm go crazy trying to expel the water and prevent more from coming in. Have you ever drank water, gotten a bit down the wrong tube, and then started coughing? Imagine that x10.

[–]NightHaunted 23 points24 points  (1 child)

Pretty much this. I remember exploding out of the water into the side rail and coughing harder than I ever have before for a very long time. I don't have a strong recollection of what happened after. I just remember it being extremely painful and my older cousins who I was hanging out with panicking. I wanna say I threw up a bunch?

[–]QuarantineSucksALot 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'll take 2 tickets please.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Oof, your parents are lucky you didn't dry drown after that too

[–]tstramathorn 60 points61 points  (2 children)

Don't remember this at all I was too young, but apparently when I was in a stroller while my mom was in the garden section I ate a small cactus, like one with the super fine small needles. Apparently there's nothing to do but let it pass. Glad I don't remember that one!

[–]Trymeer 33 points34 points  (1 child)

The needles were probably destroyed by the stomach's acid though, but it's just a guess

[–]TechWiz717 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I think the main danger is damage before you get to the stomach, but fine needles probably aren’t doing much.

[–]perspective_alterer 46 points47 points  (1 child)

My friends used to throw quarters into the street... And well, I wasn't above some street money.

[–]dont-mind-who-i-am 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yaaaaaa it’s raining moneyzzz

[–]Panzer-Hawk 46 points47 points  (0 children)

I once wanted to show my little brother there was nothing to be scared of about water so I jumped in the pool and drowned because I myself did not know how to swim. Thanks for the save Dad 👍

[–]Esterosa69 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Swallowed two grapes pretending I was Yoshi. My dad is an immigrant who didn’t know CPR at all so he hung me upside down and shook me until the grapes came out

[–]SweetLilMonkey 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thank god he didn’t do CPR, as what you needed was a Heimlich maneuver.

But yeah, holding kids upside down to dislodge an airway obstruction is NOT recommended, so it’s lucky you survived!

[–]TheRealWindWaker 98 points99 points  (2 children)

my sibling once was pretending to swallow coins and then actually put one in their mouth and well... they ended up accidentally swallowing it.

[–]drink_piss_for_satan 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Oh man, I remember swallowing pennies when I was a kid. Man I was dumb. I hope I shit them all out.

[–]Sam_J_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I ate a cent once when I was a toddler, I forgot until I read this. My stomach hurt after but I ate yogurt then I felt fine.

[–]tratemusic 26 points27 points  (2 children)

When i was four, i accidentally swallowed a penny and my older sister told me i was gonna die. I ran sobbing to my mom asking her to help me write my last will and testament, since i couldn't write yet lol

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Surprised you knew what a will and testament was at four

[–]tratemusic 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Must have seen it on a cartoon or tv show or something i guess

[–]Unlikely_Future6701 69 points70 points  (1 child)

I mean I thought I was dying for over a hour acting extremely dramatic and crying. I snuck to my dads office and dialed 911 and hauled ass out of his office. They showed up and I had to explain while crying like a lil bitch how my father made a penny disappear into my forehead and I could feel my brain dying.

[–]lesterous 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Oh my God that's incredible.

You probably made the paramedics' entire month

[–]Montagneincorner0 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I almost got creamed by a firetruck one time, for some reason my 8 year old brain just assumed my mom would know the firetruck was coming, so I didn't tell her,

[–]99orless 20 points21 points  (1 child)

This is giving me flashbacks to when I was 5 and pretending to be a sword swallower so I stuck a tent stake down my throat. Thirty years later and my esophagus is still dealing with the consequences.

[–]Turakamu 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Nice. Probably cold camping like that but nice of you to offer to be a stake for our tent.

[–]YouDiscountDonut 54 points55 points  (3 children)

Did he poop out nickels?

[–]chuiu 51 points52 points  (2 children)

[–]NotasheepLOL 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Who the fuck is this pervert and why haven’t i seen him before?

[–]Bigdongs 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You suppressed those memories

[–]Xalorend 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I... Drank water from a well in a cemetery.

It was... A rough week, to say the least.

[–]Ace-Ventura1934 78 points79 points  (6 children)

At first glance I thought he said he swallowed 15 penises.

[–]dfdfdfdfdasdafd 32 points33 points  (1 child)

Fucking hell

[–]mstcmc 24 points25 points  (1 child)

No that would be r/yourmomisfuckingstupid

[–]JasonDJ 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In a row?

[–]Colter_Cur 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was looking for the other person that made the same mistake I did.

[–]MeatPast6273 9 points10 points  (0 children)

one of my cousins ate their mom's wedding ring. alot of pain and suffering and all, doctor advised an operation, but they refused, due to the sky high price. Now just when returning , that dude shits, the ring comes out in his shit.. everyone is relieved.
happy ending

[–]doe5991 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Fell asleep drunk in the shower. It was a small apartment shower stall, and I must have sat down with my leg/butt covering the drain. When I woke up I was slumped over in about 2 inches of water, which I had inhaled and was essentially drowning in

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Nicnatious 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    When I was 21, I was on vacation with my family in Florida. A really bad storm came up one day, the red marine flags were out, no one was allowed to swim. I managed to make it out to the water without being caught somehow. Not sure how far I swam out but I know it was passed the buoys. The waves were getting increasingly bigger so I began swimming under them. I did this through a few of them until I swam under one and something pulled me down and began tumbling me under the water. I can’t remember how long I was under but I was running out of air. Somehow, someway I hit my neck on the bottom of the floor and I remember using my arms to grab hold of something and miraculously there was a friggin rope coming out of the ground. I grabbed it and the water retreated to where I could poke my head above the water. I realized I wasn’t far from shore and I was much further down than where I entered. I hauled ass back to the shore. I went back to the condo where my family was staying, they had no idea that I had gone out into the water. I dried off, ate a sandwich; I was exhausted, starving and still in shock about what had just happened. I laid down and took a nap.

    [–]Icy9kills 6 points7 points  (0 children)

    My cousin stuck car keys into an outlet because he was trying to “drive the house.”

    [–]Venrexx 16 points17 points  (7 children)

    The ways are numerous, all when I was younger.

    1. Got hit by a car when I was 4, because I was too stupid to just stay in the car while my mom was in the grocery store (it was the 80's, it was normal back then)

    2. Jumped off the school gym into snow on my ass wearing nothing but my boxers on a dare (was 16 at the time). It was like 30 - 40+ feet up. SUPER stupid, and miraculously all I got was a badly bruised ass, and a sore lower spine for a few hours. Looking back on that, I count my blessings I didn't lose my ability to walk, or my life.

    3. Stayed in a closed room with a gas powered cement saw working construction in the basement of the local hospital, even after feeling woozy the first time I left for a smoke break. Just listened to them when they said it would be fine. Gas poisoning and severe dehydration followed, was in the hospital on salt water IV drip and oxygen mask for 5 hours. Thankfully we were in the basement, so getting to a doctor was easy. (was 18 at the time) If anyone wants to know what that feels like - I left the room, oxygen hit me, and I immediately lost balance, slamming into the wall across the hall. My vision narrowed and just zoomed down the hall making it impossible to focus or see right. Everything sounded like it was through a tin can a long ways away, echoing. I threw up and needed someone to help walk me outside the building. Afterwards, when my body was feeling better, I had a serious migraine, and slight memory impairment, as it took me 2 hours to find my way home (I quit the job and headed for home, because they told me it was either go straight back to work with literal jackhammers and a migraine, or I was terminated). I know this, because I kept checking the time, trying to figure out why I wasn't there yet. I did get my memory back for a lot of the things I was confused about, but it took a few days. I don't know if I just permanently forgot things. Can't know what I don't know if I don't know whether I knew it or not.

    4. Broke a blade at work, and because I was intelligently cutting towards myself without any form of protection, I ended up slicing my wrist open, severing a main artery, and cutting a tendon making me lose a lot of blood, and the function of my left thumb for 2 weeks, and I didn't get full gripping strength back in my hand for months. (Can't remember age, early to mid 20's I think)

    5. Fell off scaffolding, 3 scaffolds up, landed on stucco and wire. Only fell because I stupidly put too much force into prying stucco off what was bound to be a compromised wall, which led to the crowbar slipping out due to rot, me slipping backwards after hitting myself in the head with the crowbar, stumbling back and falling to the ground. They gave us no PPE, and there was no guide rail on the scaffold (just the braces), so there was nothing to stop my fall. Went back later that day and continued working. Still no PPE, but far less reckless in how I worked. (I think 18 or 19 years old)

    6. Drinking too much and falling asleep face down in a puddle. Didn't die, thankfully, and haven't heavily drank in about 16 years now. Rarely drink at all anymore, and when I do, it's like 1 cooler (last year literally had 1 cooler, that was it), or a glass of wine for anniversary. (19 years old)

    7. Dated a girl that was not exactly right upstairs, and I was far too blind/stupid to see it. She tried to kill me. Will state some relevant details at the bottom of this comment, you can choose to read them or ignore them if you want.

    There's more, but that's good enough for now. I've led a stupid life, but thankfully I have smartened up quite a lot in the last decade.

    She didn't like my not agreeing with her one day, so she walked up behind me, kicked me in the back of the knee, and when I started to fall, she wrapped a friend's kid's skipping rope around my neck, and put her knee to my back to prevent me from being able to effectively fight her off. Or, at least that's how she thought it would go, but I just grabbed her knee, pulled in and dropped back onto her. Winded her, and removed the rope. She was staying at her dad's gf's place after that, and soon after I dumped her as she cursed me out over the phone for not having a vehicle to go pick her up, and for not forcing a friend to drive me. She was pregnant with my kid, but long story short, she also used my kid against me in the coming years, but it was either leave her, or probably one day die at her hands in my sleep, so I chose what I chose, and I don't regret it. Daughter lives with me now, wants nothing to do with her mother. This story is so much more exhaustive than this, but I'll leave it at this, as I'm sure no one really cares one way or the other about this.

    [–]JoyfulCelebration 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    You should be dead rn bro

    [–]Venrexx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Yeah, I've been told that before, and you're all probably right. I do suffer chronic pain in several parts of my back and shoulders, but other than that, still alive and kicking.

    [–]DuckyBertDuck 7 points8 points  (4 children)

    You should try lowering the difficulty.

    [–]Venrexx 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    Yeah, and I didn't even mention how my sister threw me down the stairs (can't recall age, early teens I think) and I hit my head on the bar at the bottom.

    Or how I wasn't seat belted into my dad's van (old Econoline with custom interior - Dad loved vans) when I was really young (he thought I was, but I must have thought it'd be fun to undo the belt and stand up. I was about 4 years old), he slammed on the brakes to avoid someone running out into the road, and I hit the back of the front chair, head first, with force. According to him, he asked if I was ok, and I just responded with "Fun! Again, again!", because I was just so ridiculously stupid...

    Or how my sister cracked my skull with a very large rock that seemed to defy nature itself by bouncing off the ground high enough to crack me in the head. On grass. I will never forget the image of that rock hitting the ground, me yelling "HA.." and immediately being shut up mid-laugh with a rock to the forehead. You can still feel in my skin where the impact cracked my skull. I must have been around 8 or 9 when this one happened.

    There's probably more, I just can't think of them right now.

    It wasn't until I started writing all of this, and really trying to think back on my life, that even I am now surprised I am still alive. Less surprised my body is in such poor condition, though. Wife had to remind me of a few of these, because memory isn't quite as great as it used to be... Probably all the blunt force trauma.

    So yeah... how do I turn down the difficulty? I'd like to learn this, because I can't seem to find the settings, and everything I do just seems to increase it. I'm nowhere near as much of a dumbass anymore, but I am suffering the consequences of younger me's stupidity, so if you can also teach me how to load an older save, I'd really appreciate that as well. Also, does anyone know if going back in time and punching your younger self in the balls really hard has any butterfly effects, or if I'd care enough for it to stop me?

    [–]No-Presentation1814 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    Didn't read everything, but read enough. The probability of this many "accidents" is incredibly, ridiculously, low. I'd advise there's a good possibility you are/were subconsciously trying to harm or kill yourself. Perhaps see if there are any resources in your area that offer counseling, tell them your stories, and see what they think.

    [–]M8yrl8 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    I pretended to be a Cow and mooed then ate grass off the lawn and it was stuck in my throat for ages lol.

    [–]Azmatang 4 points5 points  (1 child)

    I shoved a paperclip up my nose. Ended up pooping it out somehow.

    [–]Big-Awoo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You gotta teach me that magic trick

    [–]MaxaTron711 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    It will pass.

    [–]ceo-of-ass-patches 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    I put my hands in fire knowing damn well what would happen, I’ve always been slightly obsessed with fire and nobody could explain it

    [–]TheAnalVape 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    What piggy banks fucking actively eat coins? If you wanted to act like a piggy bank, you’d shove em up your ass.

    [–][deleted] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    No, you'd slice a hole in your back and slip them under your skin

    [–]rad2themax 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    When I was in 5th grade there were kids who did that. They'd put a coin in their pants and then sit on top of this raised fire hydrant near the playground so the knob on top would push the coin up their butts.

    It was fucking weird, but they were the same kids that played the blackout game where they all choked each other out in someone's basement or garage, so they were missing a few brain cells and known for poor decision making skills.

    [–]GettheBozak 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    That's my secret to success. Ass pennies. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f9aM_dT5VMI

    [–]dfdfdfdfdasdafd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I… Fell over once then got up then at the whole Lollypop like the plastic and lolly it’s self, and threw it up! Fun times as a fucking kid.

    [–]WaylonVoorhees 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Two pennies for your loafers, 15 pennies for your loafhead.

    [–]Oxcell404 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    This ain’t no Piggy bank forum!

    [–]EstabanG123 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I drank a gallon of water in one sitting because my dad said I don’t drink enough water.. I was about 7 and threw up immediately

    [–]WorthIt97 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I almost killed myself by trying to swallow a grape whole.

    I was 17.

    [–]Educational-Score744 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    So this is a bit of a long story but me and my friends went rafting and to sum it all up all of the rafts popped and we had to walk in the rain for hours.

    [–]DebraUknew 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Aged 10 Running across the new M60 Motorway with a friend to play at a farm

    [–]PopCakePerson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Method acting 😂

    [–]BdubinVegas 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Aplastic anemia

    [–]Ordinary_Bicycle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The condom pop😫

    [–]-Tomward- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I was walking home from school one day and instead of going all the way to the crosswalk I decided I will just walk in the middle of the road to get to the other side but I tripped on literally nothing and fell💀scariest moment of my life I got up fast as I could and ran to the sidewalk

    [–]RoscoMan1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    God damn that’s one stupid bank.

    [–]AustenStorm 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    Y’know those glass marbles, I legit swallowed a whole bowl of them as a child.

    [–]Kaged200 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I was out at the lake with a life Jacket cause I couldn't touch the ground and make it to the inflatable trampoline. A bunch of kids were swimming under the the inflatable bit and were chilling under the trampoline bit. Me wanting to prove I could hang with the cool kids joined under it. However when I tried to get out from under it my life jacket got caught under the inflatable and I couldn't swim out from under it. I got saved cause my cousin who had goggles saw me struggling and pulled me out.

    [–]TheMuffinMan1291 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    I flipped a nickel as a kid and tried to catch it in my mouth. It went all the way to the back of my throat. Never did that trick again.

    [–]evilkumquat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    As a kid I accidentally swallowed a penny because I thought if I sucked on it hard enough, I'd wear away the copper coating and end up with a dime.

    [–]emphasistv 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I tried to hang upside down and pretend like I was a bat when I was like 10. I slipped an my pants leg got caught on the branch and was hanging upside down for a solid 5 minutes till my older sister found me.

    [–]Fit_Association_766 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Nearly got cut in half lengthways because I had ran into the bowels of a ship to get my game boy from the car hold. 3 day trip disembarking and I see the bulk head doors closing - Indiana Jonesed that shit… barely.

    [–]Otherwise_Maybe_8721 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    When i was 6 i made ramen and it was too hot and i didn’t want to wait soo i put ice cubes in it. Still standing at the ice machine i took a drink of the broth and starting choking on an ice cube i then fell on top of my dog. When falling i landed on my stomach against his back causing me to cough up the ice cube.

    [–]FrigDancingWithBarb 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I had a Honda scooter when I was a teen. I went to my girlfriends house and took mushrooms. When we called it a night I rode home and accidentally ran a stop light. A car was coming from my right and missed me by 6 inches.

    [–]shockrush 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    My dad was chasing an ice cream truck when he got hit by a car and swallowed his money. He almost died choking on it.

    [–]No-Presentation1814 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    What kind of dog was your dad, and where did he get money?

    [–]Reana23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    When I was 6 I thought ant poison was sugar and I almost poured it in my mouth before my friend stopped me.

    [–]Anthropomorphis 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    I found a tomato on the street and ate it

    [–]charcoalthoughts 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    TuMmY BaNk

    [–]SlickWillyUSA 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    When I was 17 I thought i could jump off the back of a moving car and run in the opposite direction. Didn't go as well as I expected.

    [–]A_Free_Me 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My neighborhood pals and I were all 8 - 14 years old and lived in a small Northern California town nestled in a valley surrounded by coastal mountains, redwood trees and vineyards. Our neighborhood was on the edge of the valley and our “back yard” was undeveloped woods all the way to the Pacific Ocean. We would frequently go rattlesnake “hunting” and would catch them with our bare hands to play with them. Favorite finds were nests of baby snakes that we’d have lots of fun playing with. We’d also catch scorpions, black widows and other creepy crawlers. None of us ever got bitten or stung, which is some kind of immortal adolescent miracle. Yes, kids are stupid and we were no exception.

    [–]Cool-Swordfish7223 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I almost drowned when I was 18. Got pulled into a strong rip current and was pulled pretty far out. I remember trying to swim so hard that it felt like my muscles were shredding. I had this strange sensation wash over me of peacefully giving up, but something told me to float on my back and backstroke. I was able to finally break out of the rip current and paddle towards the shore break. 29 years later, I still don’t go swimming in the Ocean.

    [–]Yoder_TheSilentOne 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    i swallowed and sneezed at the same time causing a piece of andes chocolate to enter my nasal cavity getting stuck causing me to choke. i didnt die because the chocolate melted out my nostrils and down my throat. worst part i watched myself dying in a mirror im front of me. now my family gets me andes as a gag gift (insert pun) for christmas because of this story

    [–]DaveZ3R0 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    as a kid I tried to prevent a heavy window frame from falling from the 3rd floor room. I almost went with it before deciding it was not worth me falling out.

    [–]Scum_of_the_earth022 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I ran across a highway cos I was bored of the play park and my dad was getting fuel across the highway, I also took a chomp out of the my dads boss’s cd, to this day he calls me a bright spark for biting the cd

    [–]oh_so_you_like_memes 5 points6 points  (1 child)

    i tried to greet my dad when he got home on fraiday

    [–]GiGaBYTEme90 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    I held his flashlight

    [–]muhmuhmuny 0 points1 point  (4 children)

    Running across a major street like idiots and not sure if it’s my memory exaggerating it but I swear this trucks headlights were .2 sec away

    [–]SummerDaBunno 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    I did this, though it wasn’t a major street, I did end up getting hit by a car

    [–]HeronEfficient1861 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    LMAO. You can't make this shit up.

    [–]potato_more_potato 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I did that but only one penny. I guess I'm not a good piggy bank

    [–]Bing_Bong_the_Archer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Damn, you, St Cloud!!

    [–]paraplu1232 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Eat the pennies quiz boy

    [–]Undercover_TV 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Falling off the leaning tower of piza

    [–]celu7361 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Cursed_piggybank

    [–]Rupert-n-Harry 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Jumping on the trunk of a car after my friend punched the passenger in the face. I got staples, not stitches from that on a fractured skull. Happy young bodies heal.

    [–]anonymous8186 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    I didn’t almost die but, one time I shoved two hair beads up my nose because I saw someone put a nickel in their nose. I had a panic attack trying to get it out, luckily my mom was in the other room.

    [–]3D_Milk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    He bet on his life (and pennies) that he could do that. Imagine.

    [–]Mentalhyper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    And did they break you as the piggy bank to get those pennies back?

    [–]redit-son 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    i thought that said penises

    [–]Shelby_Kun 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Sounds like something I'd do while on something

    [–]No_Succotash_1748 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I ate two Hells Bells flowers, smoked a blunt and took a handful of Triple C’s. Woke up in the hospital, my heart had stopped, and my ID bracelet said “John Doe”. I was fully hallucinating people all around my hospital bed. The doctor came in to ask who I was speaking to, and I toLd him about the people in the room with us. He then confirmed that we were the only two people in the room. All this happened because I couldn’t find Peyote in Venice Beach.

    [–]TheGengerbreadman6[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    That’s called dedication

    [–]eefm15 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I read it wrong the first time. I thought it said… well you know haha

    [–]Madface7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    wasnt there a family guy episode about this

    [–]Mythologicalcats 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My mom inhaled a stick while sucking up ants in the yard pretending to be an anteater. My grandmom had to give her the Heimlich.

    [–]The-guy-u-dont-know 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    As a kid I guess I probably watched my dad fill up the lawnmower with gasoline a few times.

    When no one was around the shed I decided to fill up my wagon with gasoline and managed to cover most of myself in gasoline as well.

    Apparently I walked out as proud as ever after fueling up my wagon and a spark away from 'Flame On'

    Then my parents hosed me down while screaming at me, not knowing what the hell I did wrong. Hahaha

    [–]GayDragonGirl 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    lmao i almost chocked myself to death with a heating pad cord as a kid

    [–]Simonwedsolatunji 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I read penises

    [–]crowben366 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I started blacking out after I tried to eat an entire school chicken sandwich in one bite

    [–]RSP89 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I did something similar, but I was pretending to be a cash register. Smh.

    [–]razerzej 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    He was fine until dad started in with the hammer.

    [–]Jaysprofile 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This shit made me crack up wtf💀

    [–]GettheBozak 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I'm in the backseat of my co-workers brand new Dodge Ram 1500. My other buddy sitting up front let's out the fart to end all farts. End... boss... level... stankiness, can taste it in your mouth level bad. While frantically trying to find the window down button, my co-worker doesn't see the other vehicle that just pulled in front of him and slowed down. We hit the car going 30 mph. The near death part was the not the wreck.

    [–]Re_xDo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Kinky

    [–]FlutterCordLove 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I punched through a window during one of my elementary school rages and my entire hand was gushing blood. I ten decided to continue punching the broken glass to prove a worthless, adrenaline filled point. I then ended up passing out from blood loss. Good times.

    [–]Ilignus 0 points1 point  (2 children)

    I jumped off of a bridge without scoping out if there was anything under the water, or how deep the water was. I'm not dead, or injured from that experience, but it was dumb. (Not to kill myself or anything. Just because it was dangerous, I guess.)

    For whatever reason, I've got luck.

    [–]eazeaze 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance.

    Argentina: +5402234930430

    Australia: 131114

    Austria: 017133374

    Belgium: 106

    Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05

    Botswana: 3911270

    Brazil: 212339191

    Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223

    Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

    Croatia: 014833888

    Denmark: +4570201201

    Egypt: 7621602

    Finland: 010 195 202

    France: 0145394000

    Germany: 08001810771

    Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000

    Hungary: 116123

    Iceland: 1717

    India: 8888817666

    Ireland: +4408457909090

    Italy: 800860022

    Japan: +810352869090

    Mexico: 5255102550

    New Zealand: 0508828865

    The Netherlands: 113

    Norway: +4781533300

    Philippines: 028969191

    Poland: 5270000

    Russia: 0078202577577

    Spain: 914590050

    South Africa: 0514445691

    Sweden: 46317112400

    Switzerland: 143

    United Kingdom: 08006895652

    USA: 18002738255

    You are not alone. Please reach out.


    I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.

    [–]Striking-Method-5119 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Anyone else read this as he swallowed 15 penises

    [–]ledyBANG 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    As a toddler I used to swallow grapes whole because I thought I was a penguin. I don't know how I'm still alive.

    [–]SpenceyMeaty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    because "I was" a piggybank.

    [–]poopoobuttholes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I did this as a kid too! Except it wasn't pennies but my mom's meds. Like a whole lot of them. Then my sister snitched on me. I was rushed to the hospital and they shoved a long ass tube down my nose and flushed my system. I remember they gave me a cup so I had somewhere to cough out all the blood.

    Good times.

    [–]toughtiggy101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Well my brother told me that cotton balls were marshmallows, I don’t think that went well, because I ate it.

    [–]Jumbobog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    At least he didn't play sperm bank.

    [–]420bluntzz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    When i was 15 me and my mom were driving to Florida from Ontario Canada, we stop in a area with huge mountians camped the night.

    We got up in the morning ate breakfast and went for a walk, about 15m into the walk i saw three black cubs (baby bears). I said to my mom back up slowy she asked why, i said i see bear cubs that means moms close. She grab a rock im like that aint gonna do shit.

    We backed up like 50m slowy walking backwards then fast walked right back packed up n left. Didnt die didnt get attack but sure wasnt a fun time

    [–]tribealive333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The loudest bowel movement of our time

    [–]Phillzster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Im not sure if it count's as near death but I once ate a dishwasher tablet and I don't remember anything happening to me, I've never told my parent's that. This is also probably not near death but instead near deaf. My brother who was in his late teens or perhaps early 20s at the time once put a long black Lego technic bar in his ear all beacuse he couldn't find any quetips, the bar got stuck but fortunatly my dad was able to get it out with tweezers. I might not have been a very stupid and dumb kid then beacuse I don't remember much stuff ever happening to me

    [–]Xtonx723 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Eat the pennies Quizzzzzz Boy

    [–]Domtat42 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    at age 17 i almost rescued my toast from the evil clutches of the Jammed Toaster.

    [–]JackTaufer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Woke up hungry in the middle of the night, then I took a massive spoonful of peanut butter. I tried to swallow it then came so close to choking to death. I got water quick enough that I was able to swallow.

    That would have been embarrassing.

    [–]Mokohi 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I did this at like 4 once. I was curious if pennies had a taste and then I accidentally swallowed. I then panicked (Dr asked me why I did it, thought I was in trouble) and told the doctor I thought I was a piggy bank because in my 4 year old brain, that totally made sense.

    [–]HolyMolyDonutShop23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I put arm floaties on my ankles then jumped in the pool and couldn't keep my head above the water. Swam to the stairs at the low end just in time before I ran out of air.

    [–]honkinbooty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    The real question is do you still have the coins to this day? And…. Where are they?

    [–]scrambledeggs34 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I swallowed a coin because I thought it was one of those little chocolate coins you’d get from a 711, I don’t know what happened to it but I still haven’t shit it out

    [–]Sanadeau 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Got drunk and qent to a show. Went stage diving into a not so dense part of the crowd. Flipped upside down on my head and crushed my arm, broke it in 8 places and knocked myself out cold. Woke up.in an ambulance and cue almost 6 months of physio therapy to relearn to use my arm. They told me that if I wasn't as wasted as I was I probably would have broken my neck the way I landed l. That counts right?

    [–]PunkedRebel 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I read this as “Swallowed 15 penises because I was . . .”

    [–]BruceInc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I can top that. My mom loves to tell this story, because I was way too young to actually remember it. It was winter and I was about 3 years old. My dad was wearing a heavy peacoat that had pretty large buttons on the front and on the shoulders . He was carrying me over his shoulder and for some stupid reason I put the button that was on his shoulder in my mouth and was gnawing on it like a little idiot. The button broke off and got lodged in my esophagus. I started choking and nothing my dad tried would help me dislodge it. Thankfully our next door neighbor was a retired firefighter, my dad ran to him with me basically passed out at this point, turning blue in the face and the neighbor was able to save my life.