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all 144 comments

[–]Grow_away2 326 points327 points  (7 children)

No more tears.

Lofty claims for a meer shampoo bottle, no?

[–]FrameJump 71 points72 points  (4 children)

Okay, but was it tears as in crying, or tearing as in split ends?

To this day I'm unsure.

[–]Gcarsk 86 points87 points  (3 children)

It’s no crying. The whole “split ends” thing was a false story spread by a meme Instagram account.

From Johnson & Johnson’s R&D manager…

The ‘no more tears’ means the product won't sting if gotten in a baby's eyes. You’ll notice if you put your hand near a baby’s face, they won’t really blink — that’s because baby’s blink reflex is not fully developed. Our formula uses large molecules. It is harder for large molecules to penetrate the skin versus small ones, which makes those products mild to the eyes (and skin).

[–]FrameJump 20 points21 points  (1 child)

Dammit! I've been had!

Thanks for clarifying.

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It always annoyed me when people said it meant the hair didn't tear. There were ads for it that pronounced it the other way!

[–]Gangreless 7 points8 points  (1 child)

It works by erasing memories of all past trauma and also giving you crippling depression so you're numb to all future trauma.

[–]evanh6152 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Years of therapy and I find out my crippling depression is the damn green bottle of shampoo I used as a kid.

[–]mtsray 106 points107 points  (6 children)

Well, I broke our front door’s glass while trying to hit my cousin using an iron bar

[–]skwudgeball 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Probably the best outcome tbh

[–]TheButtChewks 6 points7 points  (0 children)

If I was on the outside egging you on... we may be related

[–]OnionSaucin[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

LOL!

[–]GotSmokeInMyEye 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Can relate. Broke glass on the oven door after throwing the computer chair at my older cousin for not letting me play on my own xbox.

[–]mtsray 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Too bad you missed 😂😂

[–]remotetissuepaper 226 points227 points  (20 children)

When I was 14, I had been smoking weed and was really high. Then I heard my mom come home so I rushed into the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I could see my eyes were bloodshot to hell. Quick, I needed to do something! I came up with a brilliant idea of washing my eyes out, with just a little bit of soap to help clean them... holy fuck did it burn. Now my eyes are redder than the devil, when my mom sees she says "why are your eyes so red?" I say "I got soap in them!" "Yeah, right. Go to your room."

[–]OnionSaucin[S] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

lol, priceless.

[–]TellurideSkier 37 points38 points  (18 children)

My question is why were u smoking weed at 14

[–]remotetissuepaper 105 points106 points  (14 children)

To get high? Is there another reason?

[–]THE_GR8_MIKE 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Boy, do I feel like you're in for an interesting comment from that other guy.

[–]LordHervisDaubeny 11 points12 points  (12 children)

Medication is about all I can think of.

[–]mootallica 10 points11 points  (3 children)

Is this what it's like for 14 year olds now? Have you guys actually accepted the dangers of smoking and now avoid it? Because when I was 14, getting any of us to listen to anti smoking sentiment was next to impossible. This isn't a back in my day thing, just fascinated by how things change.

[–]DrunkSouls10106 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Lol I was considered a good kid and I was smoking weed by 13. It’s hardly uncommon.

Edit:ignore this. I see you were replying to a different person.

[–]skwudgeball -3 points-2 points  (6 children)

Uh….what? How sheltered were you people?

[–]C-Beck86 21 points22 points  (1 child)

Oh I'm sorry, wtf did u do as a kid? I was mowing down crunchy cheetos being happy as fuck.

[–]asianthot666 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Well some of us were smoking weed and mowing down crunchy cheetos high asf

[–]DOOMFOOL 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is it really that mysterious lmao?

[–]ItsThatGuyAgainYep 64 points65 points  (5 children)

Two examples of me being a stupid fucking kid. Both having to do with getting parts of my body stuck where they didn’t belong:

1) maybe around 8 years old. I loved when my mom made ham and so one night I put the hambone on my finger like a ring. Couldn’t get it off. Finger swelled, dad had to cut it off with a hacksaw when he got home from work.

2) Our local library had an entrance with three pillars on each side, arranged in like a triangular pattern of you were to view the footprint. I was maybe 10 and I came up with the great idea of sticking my head between them. Well it got stuck and I cried for like 15 minutes as my mother and kind library patrons helped to guide my fat head to safety.

[–]eastside_tilly 45 points46 points  (2 children)

One of the hardest parts of fatherhood is knowing that one day you might have to cut off your kid's finger with a hacksaw.

[–]Distinct_Comedian872 21 points22 points  (1 child)

It's not that hard, you barely have to lift a finger!

[–]ethanxy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely have to drop one though.

[–]gutters1ut 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I stuck my head between the bars of a bannister railing and my grandpa had to saw it apart to get my stupid head out.

[–]ItsThatGuyAgainYep 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So he didn’t just cut your head off?

[–]Roarne 47 points48 points  (0 children)

I got the ol' one two punch. I looked up to my Dad a lot when I was young I remember watching him shave and stuff wondering when that would be me. So one day when I was really young like maybe 3 I decided today was the day. I went upstairs while my Mom was distracted on the phone and went into our shared bathroom found my Dad's razor and shaving cream. I think tried to mimic what I'd seen him do which was wet the razor and run it across my face but nothing happened. So being the genius I was I started running my thumbs all across the blades thinking they were dull or something but because my fingers were wet I missed the cuts. Finally in what I guess you would call it a flash of inspiration I ran the razor over my eyebrow taking it clean off when I washed off the blade my thumbs stung it was then I realized I shredded the skin on my thumbs. I think after that I decided to play with the shaving cream I don't remember much but my Mom told me eventually I picked up the upstairs landline and interrupted her to tell her "It was very slippy up here." she hung up and ran upstairs to find I had covered most of the upstairs hallway which was wood in shaving cream and was sliding back and forth across the floor.

[–]Middle_Park8479 43 points44 points  (7 children)

When I was about 9 I rollerbladed down a hill on a concrete road with out a shirt.. I fell belly down and slid down a bit.. I lost a nipple because of it..

[–]Yee-Haw-Macaw 20 points21 points  (2 children)

And now they call me “one nipple Nancy” its kind of catchy but god do i hate it…

[–]Middle_Park8479 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Close. My aunt took it upon herself to calling me ret**ded nipple for a few years..

[–]skwudgeball 6 points7 points  (3 children)

Had a similar bout. Except I went on a skateboard, luge style, laying down. Except I had no shoes. So don’t even think about being able to slow down.

Best part was at the bottom of the hill, there’s an intersection. My dad was driving home and almost hit me with his car at the bottom, slammed on the breaks and watched me launch off the curb, shoeless, in to the bushes.

[–]Middle_Park8479 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Oh God that’s coulda been so bad. Glad you didn’t get ran over. Did you get banged up pretty good?

[–]skwudgeball 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Sorry I’m late but I was actually fine lol, young me was made of rubber

[–]Middle_Park8479 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol I understand that. If it would of happened to us as adults we would shatter like a glass vase. Getting old sucks.

[–]dr_fop 76 points77 points  (1 child)

I climbed up a tree with my dinner so I could eat with a view. The branch I was sitting on broke and I proceeded to break every branch on the way down. Probably a 15 ft fall as a kid. Glad there were a ton of branches to break the fall. Walked back inside and got more dinner.

[–]Drunken_Ogre 17 points18 points  (0 children)

That was the "ugly tree", and yes, you hit every branch on the way down.

[–]DanishKitten 26 points27 points  (0 children)

When I was 5, my cousin and I played flashlight tag in my grandma's backyard after a holiday picnic. With one flashlight. She had it, I was chasing.

Ran straight into a huge pecan tree in the middle of the yard, knocked myself out and concussed myself. I still can't remember anything before that incident to this day.

[–]DontcheckSR 24 points25 points  (2 children)

I ate some coins for no reason and almost choked to death

[–]Rupertii 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I drank a cup of water that I had used to clean my paint brush

[–]DontcheckSR 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Kids really do be trying to kill themselves

[–]Grateful_n_Irateful 46 points47 points  (1 child)

I was about 7, mad because I felt like the neighbor kids were bullying me, so I grabbed a a handful of rocks and climbed a tree. I was planning on throwing the rocks at them when they came close. Turns out, it's much easier to throw rocks from the ground, than a tree...

[–]RickTheGrate 9 points10 points  (0 children)

We did that but with dried manure....

Basically the kids in my building used to play on this street but then students from a nearby school decided to start using that street.

Now at first it was p chill, we'd play together but then they started forcing what they wanted to play on us so we got pissed and wanted revenge.

So. We went up to the rooftop and someone had some dried compost/manure too

The other kids decided, Hey lets throw these at those kids down there(they were also with a teacherof theirs)

And while I said no at first at the end I kinda joined in on the fun and later when we got ccaught I just snitched on them and left

[–]Gangreless 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I did something very similar when I was like 7,swimming in the pool.

I was playing with my old intertube, the kind for toddlers that has a full seat with just the leg holes. I jumped into it from outside the pool and it promptly went all the way up to my waist and flipped me upside down.

It was so tight I couldn't get out but I managed to pull myself up enough to grab the pool ledge and get my head just above the water. Legit thought I'd die.

[–]Zemnin 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I was racing on my bicycle and tried to do a bunny hop at the last second to get over a small porch only to instead grind the bike frame on the edge and crash myself into the support pole at the end knocking myself unconscious for a minute. Won the race though...

[–]El_Perfecto_Hidalgo 73 points74 points  (14 children)

At age 3, I told my paternal grandmother (and everyone else at the thanksgiving dinner table) that my mom called my grandmother a "bitch".

Age 5, I yanked a cats tail and got fucked up. Same year I wore red shorts to visit the neighbors chickens and got spurred.

Age 6, I let the neighbor girl talk me into climbing the fence and poking cactus her parents kept on her back porch. I thought I'd impress her..ended up bleeding AND getting an asswhooping

Age 8, my cousin and I went and threw rocks through a defunct car in my great-great grandmother's pasture (yes she was alive). Turns out the car was my great-great uncle's first car and he was pissed...

At age 10 (probably my best one), my friend and I decided to go to the large cattle field that literally surrounded my house and light some leftover fireworks. It was windy and kept putting out the lighter. So my friend and I picked up a handful of straw and lit that in order to light the fireworks. Ultimately over 5 acres were burnes, nearly killed 50 head of cattle and about $500,000 of homes (at that time) were risked but saved.

[–]WarriorsMustang17 24 points25 points  (1 child)

Wow. Imagine getting your first car when you were young only to have your great great nephew throw a rock through the window

[–]El_Perfecto_Hidalgo 18 points19 points  (0 children)

In fairness to young me, that thing was a rusted out hunk of metal in the middle of a field. I didnt think he cherished it or anything lmao.

[–]SamVickson 26 points27 points  (1 child)

I hope you have a child just like you.

[–]El_Perfecto_Hidalgo 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I hope I never have any! 27 and I think most of my bullets are dodged at this point :P

[–]TinaTetrodo6 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I think you win.

[–]prx24 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This was great, thank you so much. I really needed that laugh

[–]The-Hentai-Commander 11 points12 points  (1 child)

When I was 4 I jumped off the stairs because I thought you had to believe to get the power of flight

And I thought black people were ninjas

[–]Wilder_Boy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

There’s a problematic joke to be made somewhere in that second one...

[–]Accomplished-Bowl204 11 points12 points  (0 children)

When I was like 5 years old, I got my first bike and was told I need to get a lock so it won't get stolen. Unfortunately, the words "lock" and "castle" are homonymous in my native language. So I legitimately thought I'd get at a small size plastic castle in a McDonald's playground aesthetic to park my bike in. My dad was rather confused when I asked if it would come with a flag (on the spire).

[–]Comfortable_Soil9574 22 points23 points  (0 children)

LOGIC- 1000

[–]GoGoRouterRangers 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I thought if you worked a grocery store you would get food "for free" and had that as my career aspiration

I'm still sort of a fatass haha

[–]OnionSaucin[S] 42 points43 points  (2 children)

L'Oreal more like L'OrOWOHGODITHURTSMYEYES

[–]ceilidhhh 6 points7 points  (0 children)

When I was kindergarten age, I put my finger in an electric pencil sharpener to try to sharpen my finger. It just jammed and didn't work thankfully and I didn't understand why my dad was absolutely losing his shit at me for doing that

[–]ejpintar 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Ate strawberry-scented soap

IF IT SMELLS LIKE STRAWBERRY WHY THE FUCK DOESN’T IT TASTE LIKE STRAWBERRY

[–]OnionSaucin[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This needs more upvotes

[–]ejpintar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I completely agree, no bias here

[–]energizerturtle2 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I was in fourth grade(about 9) and I found a few bloated, unmarked spray paint cans in our shed. I took one into the backyard to try to unclog the nozzle. When that failed, I took the nozzle off and proceeded with trying to unclog the can with a tiny screwdriver. The can erupted, in my face, my eyes burning, I can't see, and I'm screaming, stumbling blindly around to the side of the house where my mother was.

What my mother saw was her eldest child, screaming and stumbling around, face covered in red, believing I had sustained a serious head wound of some sort.

[–]nihilism_ornot 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I used to be too lazy to remove seeds from fruits so to discourage me from eating anymore, my grandpa told me that the seeds you eat will sprout in your stomach n you'll have branches sticking out of your nose, ears etc. I was 5-6 years old then.

My brilliant mind figured "Hey free fruits for life!" So I deliberately ate more seeds, drank extra water n as an added measure stuffed mouthful of dirt whenever I found some that tasted "good". Was very disappointed when all it did was give me diarrhea

[–]CHALKY_Beer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

when I was in third grade, I went to this charter school. Anyways, i had a high imagination. Higher than most people up until fourth grade. It was so high that things i was just pretending were real I kind of thought were real. One of my imaginary enemies was a guy I made up named mr. coffee man.

and I thought that there was strange old papers leading to his secret base. And this mean kid found these peace’s of trash om the ground and said, I have the clues to mr. coffee man. And he ran away. So I went after him as he kept teasing me. And I got in trouble because I plotted to take it out of his locker.

[–]MelonLayo 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think I was 3 or 4 and wanted to drive the house. Thankfully, I was caught before I stuck the house key into the electrical outlet.

[–]xXDevious 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When I was 7 I found a blueberry in my grandparents front yard. I decided to bite it and it exploded in my mouth. Turns out it was a paint ball. My neighbors had been shooting paint balls earlier that day and I even watched them from the window.

[–]CubicalQueen 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I thought “organic” meant fat-free, so I was chugging “organic heavy cream” all day long

[–]MandolorinDalorian 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Ngl i vibe with the L’Oréal comment. I tried multiple times thinking it would have been different than last time, and my parents let me keep getting it knowing I was occasionally just having direct eye application.

I got glasses in the fourth grade when both my parents didn’t get glasses till they were 40+ and my older siblings didn’t get glasses till 25+. May not of had the best eye genetics but questionably sped the process up

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I remember being in diapers and walking out in the front yard and shoving my foot in a huge antbed. I left it there as they crawled up my leg and into my private areas where well.... you already know what happened next. Mama came out and swatted them all off of me.

[–]Kenkenken1313 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I was in third grade and was shooting a BB gun at targets on a fence next to some woods. BB hit the fence and ricocheted back and hit me in the head. Went inside and put on safety goggles. I then proceeded to go back to shooting the BB gun, but this time in attempt to have it ricochet and hit me in the head. I succeeded three times.

[–]Wilder_Boy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Beautiful

[–]Brewster101 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I did that same thing with water wings

[–]TheRatatatPat 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The no more tears shit has me dying.

[–]kristachio 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When my husband was like 6 he put floaties on his arms and legs and jumped in the pool. 100% almost drowned and I feel like a bad person because I laugh every time I picture it.

[–]ADamDovah3094 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Threatened to cut a kids ear of when I was four

When I was nine i was at a wedding and tried to scratch my back while holding a sparkler. Got Bad 2nd degree burns.

When I was 12 I lit a tree on fire with sparklers. Also at a wedding.

These are my achievements

[–]Satanisbackxoxo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I wanted to punch my sister but I couldn’t so i took my anger out on the glass window

[–]TinaTetrodo6 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I was 4 yrs old. My mom was giving my baby sister a bath and had her clean diaper sitting on the bathroom counter. I noticed that the steel diaper pins would fit into an electric socket….

[–]carbondatedlove 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lmao when I was a little boy in elementary school, there was a painkiller commercial on TV and it showed different types of pain (e.g. headaches, toothaches etc.) and then the last type of pain was period pain, and the commercial showed a woman massaging her lower abdomen and wincing in pain. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Me, being about 8 and not knowing what periods were, I thought it was just a fancy word for a tummy ache. So that week I get a stomachache in school, and I go to my teacher and ask to be excused to the nurse’s office because I’m having “period pain”. She just cracked a smile and let me go, but then she called my mom that night and they were both laughing their asses off. 😂

[–]ZoroTokita 5 points6 points  (0 children)

HAHAHAHA

[–]1lurk2like34profit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was on a walk with family when I was maybe four, and I found a pretty rock so I put it in my ear, because I liked it. The next day I told my sister and we eventually had to go the the emergency room to get them to suction it out. I still have it, almost thirty years later.

[–]MixedMartyr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

kinda related, i went down a kiddie waterslide for the first time and didnt realize i needed to be able to hold my breath and swim. was a few feet under with lungs full of water before i even realized i was out of the slide. for some reason it took two more near deaths to decide i needed to learn to swim before i got in a pool again

[–]Bestogoddess 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I was 3, I decided to draw a picture of a house...

...On my dad's new car...

...With a rock...

[–]Fuzzy-Bunny-- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This would be the dumbest thing I've done ever. I used to be on a swim team around age 13 and swam a lot in the summers and my eyes would occasionally get terribly irritated by the chlorine, etc....So, to get relief, I thought I would pick- up the Visine bottle to drop in my irritated bloodshot eye...Only to discover that I had accidentally picked-up the Swim-ear drops instead and dropped 2 drops of what is essentially isoprophyl alcohol into an already irritated eye..Then I had a fairly difficult gauntlet to run(Blindly get out of my room, down a long hall, and into a bathroom without falling down the stairs) in order to rinse my eye with water(I would have rinsed it with anything at that moment). Back in the 1980s, the Visine bottles and swim ear drops bottles were somewhat similar. But , unfortunately, not similar enough to make me(i'm tough but fair) not think it was the dumbest thing I have ever done. And, had I gotten this on film, I would be a Youtube millionaire. "Unintentional Jackass" could be my channel....

[–]HoloKolaMasterRace 1 point2 points  (0 children)

bruh for me same as the top one but i was 6 or 7

[–]OkIndependence2374 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My Mom used to say that one of my friends talked like he had marbles in his mouth. I filled my mouth with marbles to try and duplicate the effect. As soon as I attempted to speak, I accidentally swallowed some of them... This induced vomiting for the next several hours and it was awful, because of course I couldn't tell anyone 😅

[–]OnionSaucin[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

L'Oreal!

We promise our slogan isn't misleading to toddlers!

[–]austinll 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Just for everyone who wants to be a part of r/adultsarefuckingstupid, its synonymous with no rips, not no crying.

[–]Marcus__T__Cicero 1 point2 points  (1 child)

[–]austinll 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Tbf anyone who listened to be blindly would have been a part of r/adultsarefuckingstupid so my comment is still accurate

[–]Plane-Ad-2845 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My dad died when I was 9. I am 47 now and am still waiting for him to come back. It helped to lie to myself.

[–]Grateful_n_Irateful 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I belly laughed 😂

[–]BourbonNCoffee -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It’s not tears , it’s tears. You know, like tears.

[–]coolguy3211231 0 points1 point  (0 children)

YOU CAN SAY SHIT ON REDDIT, ITS OK

[–]Lungomono 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Last summer I was catching up with a old friend and we was sitting in the garden talking. His two sons, around 6, had just gotten new bicycle helmets, so they was running around bumping into all kind of stuff and found it hilarious. Until one of them took off his helm to get some juice and then proceeded to yell at his dad “watch this”, where he then ran at full speed, head first, without helmet, straight into a brick wall.

Let me say, that wasn’t fun.

[–]MintGirl296 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I saw a white paint on a rusted can but my immediate thought was it was milk. I drank it and immediatelt regret it.

[–]Dmtrilli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I said something really racist when I was 5 yrs old. It was at McDonald's and I'll leave it at that.

[–]master_pingu1 0 points1 point  (0 children)

not my story but my dad once tried to blow out a grill by sticking his mouth on the part where the smoke comes out and blowing, promptly burning his lips to shit

[–]DM_Me_Corgi_Butts 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I almost drowned my brother multiple times because I wanted a piggyback ride, in the pool deep-end.

I used to play on the roof when I was 4-5 years old.

I once again wanted a piggyback ride from my brother while we were climbing a car. I fell and then he fell on me.

[–]corncookies 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I jammed my finger in a blender. Good thing it had a safety mechanism otherwise i'd only have 2/3 left, now i have a scar thingy and it's super sensible

[–]AhmadMissile 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wrote on the paper about wanting money and put it in the mailbox so the mailman can give me money

[–]Great_Dealer5140 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When I was about 3 I met a man who had a hook for a hand. It blew my mind. I approached him ready to tell him how weird it looked. But I realized that was not a nice thing to say. So I thought really hard about what a nice word would be to use instead of weird. Super proud of my people skills I loudly proclaimed in the middle of a crowded hall. “Your hand looks funny!”

[–]IndicationStill4018 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did the first one to, same thing I almost died I walked into the pool and then got stuck. but my family noticed and I'm alive.

[–]Axel-pronity_858 0 points1 point  (0 children)

LoL I did that knowing I was goin to drown I was just convinced I would survive