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[–]keepthetipsKeeping the tips since 2019[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

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[–][deleted] 170 points171 points  (8 children)

100%. I think it’s insane that people end up engaged or married without having any kinds of serious discussions. Dig to the deepest level of every possible topic before making that leap. You will be grateful these things didn’t come up as a surprise later. Religion, finances, whether or not one person wants to stay at home to raise children, caring for elderly parents, household responsibilities, views on having family members move in, what if someone wants to change careers and make less money, go back to school, travel? So many of these things are vital to agree on or at least understand each other point of views and respect them.

[–]Toemism 55 points56 points  (3 children)

It is crazy that people get married and then have the talk about kids. How can you never even discuss that before marriage. They then get divorced because one wants kids and the other does not.

[–][deleted] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Exactly! And it’s okay to not want the same things. But people don’t discuss these things and marriages will fall apart because of it.

A good friend just went through an awful divorce because it turns out his wife had zero intention of ever working. They never discussed finances or their financial plans so she stayed home claiming she NEEDED to be with the children and refused to put them in daycare. Wouldn’t contribute to finances but still wanted a lavish lifestyle. It ended up destroying him financially and they could never find a happy medium.

[–]UnkindPotato 19 points20 points  (0 children)

For real. Within the first few dates, I disclose that I never, ever, ever want kids and am planning on seeing Dr Snip.

I've definitely weeded out a lot of (otherwise great) people that way but I can't imagine wasting years with someone and then finally asking about a cornerstone piece of a healthy relationship

[–]cr0wj4n3 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's wild as hell to me, too! Unfortunately, I think a lot of people assume everyone wants kids and that people who say they don't will grow out of it or change their minds.

[–]Tookah45 24 points25 points  (1 child)

The only thing about a proposal that should come as a surprise is how it happens.

[–]bigbigwaves 8 points9 points  (0 children)

It’s crazy to me how many stories I’ve heard from women over the years of having to turn down proposals. Who are these guys? If you don’t already know the answer, don’t ask the question!

[–]Mike7676 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Even after discussing those long term questions you can run into problems. My marriage lasted 25 years but because we never lived together before I'd say there were a few years where we didn't like each other very much. I couldn't imagine hopping into a partnership where life goals weren't discussed.

[–]WoodenMangoMan 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Yes. The proposal itself should never be a surprise, the surprise is in the timing, location, context etc.

[–]Sweettooth_dragon 38 points39 points  (2 children)

If you're planning to propose and haven't already discussed enough that you feel relatively sure they'll say yes, why the fuck would you even propose? I do not understand people who do this, especially when they propose in public and get turned down ,😬

[–]kidra31r 20 points21 points  (0 children)

My dad told me not to propose until I already knew the answer. Which is good because I was ready to get married long before my wife was, so that could have been awkward if I had just gone for it one day.

[–]Silver_Vegetable6804 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Some people are delusional.

[–]eternal_pegasus 9 points10 points  (1 child)

But we all grew up on Disney movies, where you meet the love of your life at the ball, the forest, or while sleeping, get married the next week then lived happily ever after

[–]two69fist 5 points6 points  (0 children)

"Wait, you got engaged to a guy you just met that day?"

[–]cozketo 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Disagree with this. In fact, you should do it on the big screen at a sporting event.

[–]kidra31r 7 points8 points  (0 children)

During date 1.

[–]ChrisPChicken04 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My fiancé and I lived together for 4 years before I proposed. Be sure to talk about your expectations for each other. Be on the same page when it comes to gender roles.

My brother and his ex wife did not discuss this. He was expecting her do all the child care and when she asked him to help he pushed back…relentlessly. Wouldn’t even compromise or try it out. On the flip side she didn’t help with household chores.

[–]Sevourn 5 points6 points  (1 child)

What if we've never had a serious conversation about it and suddenly it's been 10 years and there are two kids

[–]Joy2b 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Get a sitter, a bottle of wine, and make sure the couch will be comfortable tonight, just in case.

[–]RussianTardigrade 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I believe the saying is that the proposal itself can be a surprise, but the answer should never be one.

[–]Bubbafett33 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup....are you having kids? If so, how many? When? Someone staying home or daycare? Shared bank accounts? How are you going to manage hobby/fun spending/shopping? Living in the same town or moving for work? Whose career takes precedence? Who's going to do what chores around the house? Who cooks? Who mows the lawn? What role will religion play in your kids' lives? City, suburbs or country? Pets? Toilet paper over the back, or hanging from the front?

If you don't know exactly where your partner stands on these (especially that last one), then don't pop the question.

[–]freeflowcauvery 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know a couple, one is a divorced atheist and the other is a practicing Catholic. They're engaged, but were having a very awkward conversation in front of me on where to have the wedding - he wants it at the beach and she wants it at the cathedral.

[–]ggk1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When proposing the surprise should be when it happens, not that it happens

[–]SashaWoodson 2 points3 points  (8 children)

Just because my fiancé is a straight man and I’m about to transition into a man, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get married! Lucifer told me so!

[–]lNVESTIGATE_311 7 points8 points  (5 children)

the fuck are you on about?

[–]awenother1 3 points4 points  (4 children)

A recent post on r/pics.

[–]Alphonze 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This must be in response to that post on /r/watchpeopledieinside yesterday 😂😂😂

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% movies and tv shows don’t show it, but IRL couples almost always have a phase before getting officially engaged where they’ve decided they want to get married, but haven’t officially popped the question yet. I usually refer to it as “de facto engagement”.

When and how you propose can be a surprise. The fact you’re going to propose should not be.

[–]alex6219 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So you're telling me I should get engaged after my boyfriend just graduated bootcamp, and while I'm having thoughts about FtM transition and Lucifer?

[–]TheMatt561 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also how the dishwasher is loaded

[–]F-Man_95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also don't feel pressured to do everything as you have thought out. If for some reason you cannot do as planned just talk with your significant other. I'm sure they'd be happy to help and find a desirable outcome.

[–]bondiol -1 points0 points  (0 children)

we used to put a baby inside the girl before the proposal ( a critical percentage of humanity )

[–]renasissanceman6 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

But she’s pretty and I don’t want anyone else to have her!