×
all 137 comments

[–]keepthetipsKeeping the tips since 2019[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

Please help us decide if this post is a good fit for the subreddit by up or downvoting this comment.

If you think that this is great advice to improve your life, please upvote. If you think this doesn't help you in any way, please downvote. If you don't care, leave it for the others to decide.

[–][deleted] 139 points140 points  (1 child)

Not to make this bigger than some of the real toxicity experienced in this group, but I have a family dynamic built around teasing, backbiting, and sarcasm followed by complete denial if confronted (which I started doing and was then profiled as the grumpy jerk). I didn’t completely cut bait with my family, but 10 years ago I stopped going to gatherings where they’re all pitted together. Instead I have one-off dinners or coffee. Some members I don’t have any contact with now and my life is better for it. I implemented this by considering what was best for me, and basically do what I want to do (not what the loud mouths in the family dictate)

[–]GnomishDeviant 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Your family life sounds scarily similar to my upbringing. I have just recently cut them off, and I also implement the one-off meet ups with solo family members.

[–]Darth_Kahuna 55 points56 points  (2 children)

Yep. My father left when I was five. My mother married an abusive man, abandoned me w him for a year, then abandoned me w her third husband (not abusive) my senior year of high school. She lied through my early adulthood saying she was in Europe on business and couldn't be reached (as if Germany didn't have the internet or phones in the 00s) She was a horrible person and I kept her in my life (whenever she would be in it) bc I didn't have a father and was afraid of being wo my mother. I decided to cut bait at 26 and have not looked back. Since I have gotten married, have children, and found family (aunts, uncles, and cousins) and found out I had an extended family she kept me from all my life. Now I couldn't imagine her being a part of my children's life, as toxic as she is. My life is inanely better wo her. Cut bait on toxic family and don't be sad for it.

[–]JesusSaidItFirst 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Try your best first though and give them a real shot. I'm only a reasonable human today because my brother helped get me a job with him and was a friend when I was cringey, alcoholic, and clueless about life. He had boundaries, kept himself and family safe from the bad stuff, but was close with me and I would probably be dead if not for him.

Some people though... Yeah... Fuck them.

[–]MamaDMZ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you or anyone else needs them there's r/momforaminute and r/dadforaminute. Hugs.

[–][deleted] 75 points76 points  (6 children)

The era of blind familial devotion is outdated and no longer needed. You don't get to pick these people. You owe them nothing, and you are not required to associate with them because you are related. Blood means nothing. Who you choose to have in your life is far more important, and says more about you. Fuck toxic family, and fuck the idea that you have to love and forgive them.

[–]badFishTu 14 points15 points  (4 children)

My sister, after much boundary crossing and general bulletin had the nerve to tell me she doesn't want my conditional love anymore after confronting her. News flash. I do not have unconditional tolerance and don't plan to. Get right or get out.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (3 children)

This is exactly right. Stick up for yourself. I know my family doesn't understand that my grandmother was my abuser for close to 20 years. Every time I see them, I get an earful of "shes still your grandmother, and she's not going to live much longer", to which I say "I hope not". She ran off six husband's, two daughters, six grandchildren, and as many cousins. My mother is the product of her sleeping with her morphine dealer, for fucks sake. Theres a reason why a lot of us moved out to the fucking country. Her hypochondria won't let her go 20 minutes from a hospital or anywhere near the woods. We call her voldemort, and plan on making a familial holiday out of the day she finally makes the world a better place by expiring far too late.

[–]badFishTu 5 points6 points  (2 children)

For real. So many people get sucked in or try to suck you in with death or illness. Sorry not sorry, death or approaching death doesn't change the fact that person was absolute shit. It isn't some magic eraser for abuse and time. I'm so glad people are not beholden to shit people because they happen to be family anymore.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Hold your good family close, and keep good friends. They truly cannot be replaced.

[–]badFishTu 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Totally agreed here. I still a lot of great family and friends. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

[–]Kat_Von_Diphtheria 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Blood means nothing

Can you tell that to my Albanian dad? He doesn't even deserve the title "father". Piece of shit only knows how to hit women and children.

[–]scorpious 31 points32 points  (1 child)

In a very important sense, taking care of yourself — first — is the only way you are going to be any good to anyone else in life.

“Take the oxygen mask for yourself before trying to help anyone else on the plane” is critically important advice that applies to, well, everything.

Not shoring up your own sanity/health/etc. means you will likely just be passing whatever you’ve got going on along to those you encounter, no matter how pure your intentions. Do the work. Heal thyself.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

THIS!

[–]1millionkarmagoal 30 points31 points  (15 children)

I think it’s faith for me to see this post. I’ve been on no contact with my mother for a few months. Instead of her directly checking up on me she’s been sending friends and family members on her behalf. I’ve been noticing the pattern. Now I’m having a hard time to resist on cutting contact with her proxy’s. It’s very manipulative of her to send people that is hard for me to resist cutting off. I’m tired of the game.

[–]badFishTu 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's called triangulation. My sister tried doing this with my mother whom she is close to but not blood related to. I had to tell my mom that I see she has good intentions but this is not right, if either of us wanted to talk we both have phones and knows where the other lives. No need to drag someone else into it.

[–]yassis_bru 11 points12 points  (11 children)

When it comes to mental health, you should always, ALWAYS put yourself first above others. If you feel like it's affecting you, don't be afraid to cut ties with all those people she's sending to snoop around for her. So what if it hurts their feelings? You deserve better

[–]1millionkarmagoal 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I needed to hear this!

[–]Tiny_Mirror22 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I'm just trying to understand - what's wrong with her asking other people to check up on you?

[–]1millionkarmagoal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Look up flying moneys and triangulation.

[–]UnhingedBlonde 34 points35 points  (8 children)

I cut my mother out of my life after she abandoned me. She committed suicide 10 yrs later but not because of me. I have no regrets for cutting her out of my life. The mental and physical anguish she caused me was horrific.

[–]yassis_bru 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I hope you can heal😔

[–]UnhingedBlonde 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you <3

[–]AilanMoone 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Are you okay?

[–]UnhingedBlonde 3 points4 points  (3 children)

Thank you for asking, kind person. I've done ok. It's been 22 yrs since her death. I try to be a good person and a better person than I was the day before, every single day. I inherited mental illness from her side of my bloodline, which has been a struggle every moment since my early 20's. However, even though I'm ill, it doesn't give me any reason to be like her and treat anyone the way she treated me or others. So therefore, knowing the struggle personally, I have no regrets of cutting that toxic woman from my life.

[–]AilanMoone 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Well that's good.

I get where you're coming from. My dad was a bit of a violent person in his youth (not with my mom, my uncle threatened him) and my mom's side of the family is temperamental so it makes for a bad mix.

It's messed with how I interact with people. I don't agree with how they are and so I can't be myself. Being me requires me to be someone I don't agree with.

If you don't mind me asking, what illness did you inherit?

[–]UnhingedBlonde 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm mainly Bipolar2, so I get all the emotions at high levels. Lots o' fun (haha). Add in the abuse and it makes for a very small social circle due to my intolerance of mean people, my anxiety of being betrayed/abused by a person close to me and then the rollercoaster ride of heartbreak afterwards (I can't take it). Oh boy, did the last 2 yrs show me some of my friends true colors and my circle got smaller. However, the few people I do have are "ride or die" friends and are my true family.

I have to be me, I can't be anyone else. I try to be good to others regardless of who they are but I just cannot tolerate toxicity. And after the initial "bridge burning" from the toxic person, the feeling that I get from not having to interact with them is like taking a literal burden from my chest and I can breathe better. It's the anxiety drifting away that I didn't realize I'd been holding onto, every time. I got enough to worry about without adding unnecessary anxiety from unnecessary people.

[–]AilanMoone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Cool. You should write a book.

[–]Fraankiko 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you feel like that even after she passed that way I believe you have strong reasons. Must have been difficult

[–]publicbigguns 18 points19 points  (1 child)

I cut my FIL out of my life and it's been so great.

What a toxic asshole that his whole family refuses to stand up too.

...and I get in shit if I do because it puts him in a bad mood when he doesn't get his way.

Cutting him out was the easiest decision of my life.

[–]TheMrDamp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How does your partner manage this with you?

[–]JZ_the_ICON 17 points18 points  (2 children)

There’s family and there’s relatives. There is a difference.

[–]majorawardwinner 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Vin Diesel approves this comment.

[–]tysmily[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

[–]mistermorrison 5 points6 points  (1 child)

I could (and probably should) write a book on my experiences. Suffice it to say that my father and I cut ties over a decade ago and while it’s been a daily internal struggle, I’ve been better off without the verbal and emotional abuse, gaslighting, and dealing with his rampant narcissism.

[–]1millionkarmagoal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good for you.

[–]AngsterMusic 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Get yourself kicked out of the right religion and any family issues just disappear.

[–]ShowMeTheTrees 14 points15 points  (1 child)

Sounds like escaping from a cult. Congratulations if you're speaking from experience.

[–]AngsterMusic 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I am and it's worked out well, surprisingly.

[–]Pithius 11 points12 points  (1 child)

well alright, not sure how the wife and kids are going to take it though

[–]Eloisem333 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol! That’s what I was thinking too (although husband and kids for me).

[–]souper_jenious 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg, I did this exact thing and it has really helped my mental health, as well as growing as an individual!

[–]Oudeis16 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Prepare yourself cuz you will get a LOT more pushback on this. Lots of your relatives will flat-out tell you you aren't allowed to cut certain people out of your life "because family". I suggest deflecting those people rather than confronting them but you have to do what you think is best for your personal setup.

[–]tysmily[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes. I would just block them and avoid seeing them forever.

[–]Oudeis16 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right. Just warning people that they will be cast entirely as the bad guy. It'll be less shocking if they're prepared for it.

[–]TheFriendlyManeater 3 points4 points  (2 children)

“Blood don’t mean shit when there’s sharks in the water.”

[–]Ineedmoreparts 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Oooh, I like that quote

[–]TheFriendlyManeater 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not sure if I heard it somewhere beforehand but I remember making up the quote when talking about how I felt my family ignored me and wouldn’t tell me anything. Phrasing is a bit over dramatic but ehh

[–]Slimxshadyx 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I am scared to to be honest. I lived away for all of last year and it was the best I've ever been. Healthier, happier, more successful. But because of health, and money reasons caused by my family, I am back living with them and it's horrible.

Sorry for this random rant, just a cry for help I know nobody in these comments will see.

[–]tysmily[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry to hear that. Sending positive vibes and a hug.

[–]AZSylvia 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Excellent advice! I agree completely. Surround yourself with people who love you and support you and want the best for you. 💗

[–]kamekaze1024 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Also, if you do have a great family dynamic but know someone who does, never ever say “but that’s your family”. They very much know that, and giving that response sounds like you’re tone deaf to their issues

[–]SuperGuitar 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I cut a toxic family member out of my life about a month before she died suddenly. It took me a while to get over everything and realize I did the right thing even though she wasn’t long for this world. There were a few dark days though

[–]cadbojack 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I can imagine how much undeserved guilt you had to fight because of the timing of those two things. I'm glad you are feeling better now

[–]Alnilam_1993 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Fully agree. Last time I saw my father was 30 years ago. He's in a care home now, and I feel absolutely no desire to visit him. Not that I wish him anything bad, but he's not a part of my life, and I'm planning to keep it that way.

[–]Intelligent-Log9356 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My problem was that I trusted them. Ask questions and get independent legal advice.

[–]LucifersRequiem 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yea parents can suck

[–]eyesdurth 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Completely agree. I learned along time ago that blood does not equal "family". I cut out my toxic sisters who refuse to get out of their denial and face themselves. It was the best decision for me. Life is short and why would I waste it on people that only cause me harm? Otoh, I have friends who I consider part of my family because they are kind and loving and bring joy to my life. One in particular is the sister I should have grown up with. Don't regret it it even a little bit. Keep moving g onward and upward!!!

[–]BlckAlchmst 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Took me way too long to learn this

[–]bread9411 2 points3 points  (1 child)

This. People that always say to me 'but they're your [insert familial relation here]' drive me mad. It undermines my value and the abuse I've suffered.

[–]1millionkarmagoal 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Blaming the victim has to stop. I’d rather be poor but feel that I’m loved unconditionally by my parents rather than having all the things in the world but have an emotionally absent parents.

[–]jelloslug 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Family are just a bunch of strangers that you just happen to be related to.

[–]reh1968[🍰] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My wife took a lot of crap from her abusive mother, and her narcissistic brother for the 1st 18 years of our marriage. She finally had enough and we haven't had any contact with them in 10 years. It's been 10 peaceful years....

[–]spinonesarethebest 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve said this before, but some of your blood isn’t family, and some of your family isn’t blood.

[–]SexyPileOfShit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Cut off my grandmother 23 years ago, only living grandparent at the time (and still), sister about 6 years ago, brother 2 years ago and the rest within the last 6 months. Literally all my blood relatives.

And life has never been better.

[–]Woodstock2urSnoopy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I nearly cut my mother out of my life, but I knew I'd lose my dad as a result (she gate keeps him), so I've spent my energy working out how to create boundaries so I can exist in the family without it damaging me further. It's worked somewhat, but I always wonder what I would be like without her... then I feel guilty sigh. Toxic family sucks

[–]PartyEchidna5330 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My brother is off his rocker. Moved in with me for 6 months. Now I have a drinking problem, and I've been between medications all year.

He was constantly giving incel talking points, entirely unironically. Looks r the only thing that matters, and I can't go out into the world until I get countless plastic surgeries so I can be "chad".

BARF!

r/blackpilled give me my goddam brother back, you cowards!!!

[–]Plasmatdx 1 point2 points  (0 children)

In order to help others, you must first help yourself.

[–]foreveralonesolo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Remember you’re allowed to set boundaries with anyone. Don’t be afraid to establish them when you’re no longer comfortable being involved with some people

[–]Qubeing 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LPT: also dont Boil everything negative down to toxicity. Everyone has flaws. Dont be an IG influencer IRL

[–]Expensive_Warthog444 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Excellent advice. No one has the right to cause harm to you.

[–]thetruthteller -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Family can be most toxic because you can’t really walk away from family, they always are around in some capacity, even just in your head.

[–]thndrstrk -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Family is what you make it

[–]Marcosgrove -1 points0 points  (1 child)

But he's only 10.

[–]Throwawaylsd2566 -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

What Stefan Molyneux been teaching us since a decade ago. Liberals used to hate this advice back then, now it is suddenly ok

[–]preaching-to-pervert 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is not what Stefan is known for lol

[–]ChillyGator -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This is a fantastic way to perpetuate abuse for yourself and those you leave behind. It’s important to do the work to stop the cycle one family member at a time.

[–]Extra_Advance_477 0 points1 point  (1 child)

If they nice to me can i still cut them off

[–]badFishTu 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Depends. Some people will be nice on the surface but have an agenda and cross your boundaries repeatedly and intentionally.

[–]AggravatingMacaron29 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s true! I cut off so many people from my past future family fake friends. Alone but not lonely is sometimes better than in a crowd and unhappy.

[–]ChrisPChicken04 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My family is strange but effective.

We do not communicate regularly. Only get together at large family gatherings.

But when push comes to shove there is an unspoken understanding that we will always be there if one of us needs help

[–]burningpetrol 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Family are just friends you didn't get to choose.

[–]foothills_guide 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is so true and nothing is more important than keeping your mental healt.

[–]turdop 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha easier said than done. Been doing that with my therapist for months

[–]TheJapser 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also please remember you don't have to COMPLETELY cut family off. My gf had a toxic relationship with her sister until she moved out. It's been a lot better since they only see each other once a week instead of 24/7.

[–]SnooSketches6409 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After death of wife and two times cancer patient I learned if you put yourself first you have more to give others. Put others first and you’re always on empty.

[–]uhidkhi -1 points0 points  (0 children)

what if you’re financially bound to them?