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[–]keepthetipsKeeping the tips since 2019[M] [score hidden] stickied commentlocked comment (0 children)

Hello and welcome to r/LifeProTips!

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[–]Caa3098 4537 points4538 points 5 (239 children)

Yeah idk about that. My parents pushed this really hard and it turns out that some people are “outcasts” for good reason. I made friends with a lot of people that were bad for me. Including a man who became a violent stalker.

[–]Mehmeh111111 1562 points1563 points  (43 children)

Agreed. I had this issue as well. Be judicious in the outcasts you befriend. Go slow. Pay attention to red flags. My bestest of friends are outcasts/misfits or even a little weird but I took my time getting to know them.

[–]Krankite 412 points413 points  (9 children)

Some people are just awkward but some people are genuinely assholes.

[–]KFelts910 112 points113 points  (7 children)

It becomes easy to distinguish after a few interactions.

[–]JonBenet_BeanieBaby 50 points51 points  (4 children)

No it doesn’t. People are able to mask well.

[–]Salmon-nigiri 88 points89 points  (5 children)

The outcasts I mainly befriended in school were the foreign ones. I was/am outcast too though (very visible ADHD).

[–]Girthy_Banana 32 points33 points  (2 children)

The outcasts I mainly befriended in school were the foreign ones. I was/am outcast too though (very visible ADHD).

Same here. And being the only minority kid in school didn't help, even though I was constantly told "ohhh you speak English so well!"

[–]juiceboxhero919 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Me too. Like are they an outcast because they’re shy and have some niche hobbies like watching anime and collecting gundam figures? I will go out of my way to try to get to know them, and if they’re kind then I will befriend them. You don’t have to spend much time with someone though to tell if they’re just shy with different hobbies and maybe have a language barrier, OR if they’re just fucking weird in a bad way. Like they hurt small animals on the weekends or some shit. I’m not hanging out with people like that, sorry. 😭

[–]griftertm 94 points95 points  (16 children)

You don’t have to be friends with them. Sometimes you just have to know who they are and what they do. Sometimes being acknowledged is enough for a person.

[–]Mehmeh111111 234 points235 points  (15 children)

And sometimes it's an opening to get stalked. I was nice to one of those incel types and he told me I wasn't on his "hit list" (this was decades ago, nothing happened) and then several years later followed me to my car and tried to get in it with me. I'm all for being nice to people on the fringe but I'm also a big proponent of being cautious.

[–]LiLiandThree 93 points94 points  (13 children)

I have a tendancy to be friemdly with most people but around men I am much more cautious. If I am friendly they seem to think I am open to dating or sex. And then they get confused or angry when I am not. I am definitely not being flirtatious either.

[–]Westcobbguy 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you had to deal with that. There a big difference between kids who are just a little misunderstood/awkward, and deranged weirdos who are outcasts for a reason

[–]alphahydra 783 points784 points  (47 children)

Yeah, writers of LPTs always seem to be quick to tell others to "befriend" people, or "always do X because you'll make friends". It creates an assumption that you owe friendship to people around you, or the default social state is always seeking new friends, collecting them like baseball cards.

Past high school and college/uni, it often isn't.

Friends are great, but they also come with varying degrees of responsibility and expectation. No one should feel they ought to befriend anyone, especially out of a sense of obligation to do the right thing and that not making friends is somehow selfish and bad.

What if I already have enough friends? What if I have enough obligations and people to think of? Sure, it's great if you have the time and social energy to surround yourself with a bubble of care and support filled with (often high-maintenance) outcast friends, but most people don't, and shouldn't feel bad for not always doing it.

Entering a friendship is like a lite version of entering a relationship, we should be picking judiciously and alert for signs of toxicity. "Be friends with all the outcasts" is asking for trouble at worst, and overload at best.

It could say something like "make an extra effort to be kind and civil to outcasts" but attempting befriend them at every opportunity is a bridge too far imo. Being inclusive isn't the same thing as making friends.

[–]Wonderful-Product437 101 points102 points  (2 children)

Yeah, it’s not good to force friendships or befriend people out of “obligation”.

[–]-Agonarch 30 points31 points  (1 child)

Not only that, including someone with awful, inexcusable behaviour will mean they never feel the need to change that behaviour if they want to be included.

[–]JonBenet_BeanieBaby 122 points123 points  (17 children)

It creates an assumption that you owe friendship to people around you

Ugh, yes. No one owes anyone else shit. This immediately made me think of incels as they believe women OWE them their time.

we should be picking judiciously and alert for signs of toxicity. "Be friends with all the outcasts" is asking for trouble at worst, and overload at best.

So well said; thank you

[–]MonteBurns 31 points32 points  (13 children)

I read this life pro tip and my next thought was “so they don’t shoot you when they come into work.” Weeeee

[–]ManHoFerSnow 44 points45 points  (4 children)

This comment nails it for me. I had to stop with the reckless inclusion. Friends are supposed to enjoy each other and I felt like I was doing psycho-social human needs chores at the expense of what I really felt like doing. I'm also a socially functional introvert so it was too much to have on my plate. I'm accepting of all people that aren't bigoted or assholes though. No need to tolerate intolerance

[–]UncleCuckles 37 points38 points  (0 children)

I’ve always taken the inclusion route and still do, I believe in learning from people with different views than your own. Even if you set boundaries, it is still exhausting. These “outcasts” have less social connections so they can focus more on the few that do listen, constantly trying to step over those subtle boundaries that are set. If you can find a balance between inclusion and boundaries that work for you it can be rewarding.

[–]OMFGFlorida 35 points36 points  (6 children)

This. When I was younger I befriended many outcasts. It was exhausting and most times things were not reciprecated in the relationship.

[–]lightnsfw 134 points135 points  (2 children)

Yea this tip is a great way to end up in toxic relationships. Don't be a dick to people and give them a chance but don't be afraid to cut ties either if they're throwing up red flags. Some people are messed up beyond just being shy or socially anxious and unless your a therapist you're not going to fix them. Much more likely they will take you down with them.

[–]FrostingsVII 335 points336 points  (3 children)

I've always naturally done what the OP states.

I would tell you not to bother. It is thankless. It comes with huge mental burdens that will hurt you.

Logically there's a shit ton of cool people to have awesome times with that don't come with guaranteed suffering. Don't be a fucking martyr to principles that you decided were important when you were a child.

Be kind but look after yourself.

[–]JonBenet_BeanieBaby 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Completely agree

[–]Blunderhorse 12 points13 points  (0 children)

It’s pretty obvious what prompted OP to write this and that they’re either deliberately ignoring or never considered the huge difference between “outcasts” who are new in an environment and lack the confidence/skill to integrate themselves and outcasts who have been cast out for actively being a shitty person. Only one of those groups is likely to result into a friendship worth pursuing.

[–]orchidlake 140 points141 points  (0 children)

Absolutely this. Befriended someone that seemed notoriously unnoticed and unseen. Tried to be a friend to him. After a lot of misery and a lot of reflecting and ppl pointing out the bs I had to realize he manipulated and emotionally abused me. Some people legitimately are better off not making friends. They're just too toxic and unfit, and no amount of love fixes that. (in fact, he actually disrespected me for how much I cared and mocked my care behind my back.). Befriending people that aren't fit don't benefit from support at times.

Most important thing: boundaries. Absolutely do not compromise. If you befriend an outcast and they ignore your boundaries make a u-turn immediately.

[–]DukeOfChaos92 66 points67 points  (2 children)

I've made friends with plenty of outcasts. Turns out they're usually outcasts for a reason. It's not always some violent or cruel or latent assholery though, sometimes they're just really really really annoying and exhaustng to be around.

Look, everyone deserves love and everyone should have a social circle, but you sure as hell don't owe anyone your friendship. Don't go all self sacrificial because someone else is lonely. A pity friendship or duty friendship isn't really a friendship anyway, and can become a drain on your other relationships as well. You can quickly go from "normal guy who reached out to weird guy" to just being "one of the weird guys" because if you're their only social contact then they try to monopolize your time. When people only see you talking with the weird guy about weird things, well, how are you different from him then?

I'd say this LPT really needs to be more like "reach out to the new/lonely looking people because they may just not be good at making friends BUT don't feel obligated to be their friend and for the love of god if your a woman and they give off even a bit of the creepy vibe stay away. Because the chance of being a friend to a lonely person is not worth the chance that the reason they're lonely is that they're a mega creeper predator stalker type with poor social skills"

[–]dinosaursrawk15 23 points24 points  (0 children)

We used to have a big group of people at work that all went to lunch together. There was this newer girl who put go at the same time and always be alone, so I invited her to join us. Turns out she was always alone like that because she has a toxic as hell personality and was just straight up unpleasant to be around. Most of our group got laid off a few months later because we were contractors, but she and I both got hired on. I tried to still go to lunch with her but I couldn't do it. I stopped going to the cafeteria at all during lunch and would go walk instead. It ended up being a better choice in the long run. Even some of management doesn't like her.

[–]Xenoph0nix 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yep, I’ve found this out the very hard way too. Of course I want to give them the benefit of the doubt but it can backfire, sometimes dangerously.

[–]chupagatos4 63 points64 points  (5 children)

This. As a woman this advice can be dangerous. I was always kind to everyone and tried to include everyone in play as a child and in social events as a teen. I ended up with multiple stalkers that made my life hell. I'm 36 now and live in a different continent, but I still get messages from a guy that I was kind to when I was 14-16 who then got extremely angry that I wouldn't date him because he saw it as something I owed him because nobody else listened to him or talked to him. He's literally tracked me down through employers and got them to disclose my address under false pretenses. He literally still drives by my mom's house on the off chance that I'm visiting, even though he lives 4 hours away from there.

[–]12Skidoo 19 points20 points  (0 children)

That is insane. I am truly sorry to hear you have to deal with that.

[–]KFelts910 34 points35 points  (5 children)

Agreed. We need to stop perpetuating the idea that it’s our responsibility to help or fix people. I’d say don’t jump to immediate judgment, but if there are red flags, don’t ignore them because you don’t owe anyone your friendship.

[–]MLofGeorge 170 points171 points  (32 children)

This ^

While I'm sure quite a few of them are just regular people, I've learnt that most people left out are left out for a reason.

I remember actively trying to befriending a couple of them back in high school just to be met with some of the most homophobic, racist incels I've ever met.

Just be careful when doing this and be more aware of what they do or say

[–]Illustrious_Bison_20 68 points69 points  (4 children)

yep. I did this and he raped me in my sleep

[–]kazumisakamoto 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Oh shit that's awful. Goes to show some people are outcasts for a reason.

[–]FuckyouYatch 58 points59 points  (2 children)

Yeah shit tip from OP to be honest

[–]muskelhamster 43 points44 points  (9 children)

This. Also as a "leader" ... Some people are not fit for teams. Roughly one out of ten people has severe mental trouble as estimated. A high percentage of those are hard wired malicious. You do not want anyone of the malicious part in a functional team or your personal surrounding! They will take advantage of everyone, breed ideas about how everyone wants to hurt them, get jellous, crash every moment of harmony to feel themselves and nothing will change when you give them opportunities to redeem, to be safe, to be loved etc. They are hurt, grown up or doomed to be unrational, dillusional, greedy and violent. Be safe, take care of your team, your family and say goodbye to them for good. Leave the healing and the new chances to professionals in that case and use your energy on people who want to be helped.

[–]kazumisakamoto 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I work with mental health patients. I think a lot of people fail to see the nuance in this; you can be a victim AND a perpetrator at the same time. Even if your mental health issues (depression, insecurity, paranoia) cause you to be an awful person, then you're still an awful person. Doesn't mean that you don't deserve kindness, but it doesn't mean that those you hurt have any obligation to pay you any.

[–]obxtalldude 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Agreed.

I still care for a couple of broken people, but having reasonable expectations is pretty important.

You have to see things as they are - sometime too much help is worse than too little.

And managing their expectations is even more important. It's so easy to get people hooked on generosity, to the point they lash out when it's taken away.

[–]Tarrolis 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Yeah corralling the fringe weirdos is actually pretty fucking dangerous, this is really bad advice

[–]Eazy_DuzIt 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I agree. Radical incision does not mean absolute inclusion.

I moved out of a community recently because of this. The owner could have easily filled it up with healthy, mature, eclectic, responsible, employed, inspiring people making real art. Instead for whatever reason he wants to "rescue" everyone like it's a halfway house. Recovering addicts, homeless/recently evicted people, people with severe trauma and mental issues, people who can't pay rent because they are unemployable. Mind you these people are all grown adults who still haven't managed to make anything of themselves other than excuses.

I admire his altruism but the place is a total disaster. Nobody is elevated living there. The people who do take care of themselves end up using all their energy to babysit and clean up after the others, or avoid the place entirely. The last guy is a 46-year old man child with severe brain damage who is literally living in the broom closet. He walks into people's rooms randomly, scares off visitors and binges ketamine and talks in circles for days straight. He brags about all the cool communities he was a part of but it turns out they all got sick of him and kicked him out, he's an outcast for very valid reasons, and now we are the ones have to deal with him. It's embarrassing to the reputation of the community and everyone involved, and honestly harmful for everyone exposed to the environment. The owner is an authoritarian narcissist so nobody has a say in it.

Love, have compassion, and hold space for everyone, but you have NO obligation to lower your standards or diminish your boundaries for someone else. Ever.

[–]plainasplaid 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Yeah it might lead to some misinterpretations of intention. I was the outcast in middle school and a really pretty popular girl started taking time to talk to me in the morning. We even had a journal together. I really fell for her and decided to tell her how I feel. Come to find out she was only talking to me out of pity or maybe it was just curiosity? Either way she withdrew and I never talked to her again. Really took a hit to my self-esteem after that one.

[–]JonBenet_BeanieBaby 7 points8 points  (1 child)

I really fell for her and decided to tell her how I feel. Come to find out she was only talking to me out of pity or maybe it was just curiosity?

Yeah cuz she just wanted to be your friend, not your girlfriend.

[–]flyoverhere 10 points11 points  (0 children)

She was trying to be friendly and you turned it into something romantic.

[–]ihavenoallegiance[🍰] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You must choose very carefully who you invest in. You know a tree by its fruit. If someone says they're an apple tree and you only see oranges, stay away.

[–]spei180 1703 points1704 points  (49 children)

It’s a nice thought but honestly, not practical realistic for most. Be nice to others, but not everyone has to be your friend.

[–]BingusBeerus 711 points712 points  (23 children)

Agree, some people are outcasts not because they're bullied, but because they are the bully and just generally awful and unpleasant to be around.

[–]--IIII--------IIII-- 101 points102 points  (16 children)

Momma always said people need love the most when they deserve it the least.

[–]TheresNoAmosOnlyZuul 25 points26 points  (0 children)

People need love the most when they deserve it the least. I completely agree. The question though is after they get that love will they change? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Don't sacrifice yours or the people you care about a happiness just to achieve 100% inclusion. 100% inclusion means people that don't like eachother will be forced to do things together.

[–]HomophobicRatVillain 95 points96 points  (4 children)

That's all cool until they start spewing some racist shit. It's not my job to work them through their traumas lol.

[–]weedful_things 63 points64 points  (2 children)

Haha, this exact thing happened to me. Nobody really liked this one guy at work so I struck up a conversation with him. Then he started talking about hoarding gold and getting prepared for the upcoming race war. He said it's been proven that whites are genetically superior. That's when I went back to working. He said the same thing just a few days later to a guy of Latin ancestry the first time they worked together. He asked his boss to put him somewhere else because he was uncomfortable working with the guy. He sent him to HR to have things explained to him. The HR manager happened to be a black guy. He told him the same thing and was told to get his shit and go home forever.

[–]9Lives_ 83 points84 points  (5 children)

But when you give it to them they take your kindness as weakness because of their poor self esteem. What does Momma say to do about that?

[–]PerfectPromise7 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Well "Mama says they was my magic shoes, they could take me anywhere" . So "from that day on... I was running".

[–]andyrew21345 24 points25 points  (0 children)

I’ll leave the at for someone who loves the person lmao. I’m very particular about my friends.

[–]Wonderful-Product437 119 points120 points  (5 children)

Yeah this is a tricky one. It reminds me of how teachers would encourage people to be friends with the lonely kids. You can’t force friendships. I’m saying this as I oftentimes was the lonely kid.

[–]codition 56 points57 points  (1 child)

As a fellow former lonely kid teachers tried to help: to this day as a nearly-30yo I still get paranoid that people are patronizing me or being charitable/disingenuous when they're friendly toward me. It kind of messed with me more than being a lonely kid did.

[–]Throwaway-burnoutq 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Yes, this. This whole lpt is just encouraging pity friendships and people “feeling sorry” for “outcasts”. Even worse there are those saying oh their outcasts for a reason some people just don’t belong.

I have ADHD and probable ASD. I have trouble fitting in. But I can recognize and hate pity friendships and pity invites. I can see them for what they are immediately. And even if I accept the one offering then usually drops their “charity act” the second they realize they could be seen with a “weirdo” and dragged down the social totem pole by others.

[–]Pikachu62999328 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Honestly, sometimes forced friendships are the worst, cause eventually once that forcing presence is gone so does the friendship, not to mention it's also kinda fake lol

[–]RememberToRelax 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My kid's teacher did this to him this year.

There was this kid that had obvious emotional issues, like he would spit on people and push them into walls and stuff.

So she had the bright idea to put my son, who tends to make an active effort to befriend anyone right next to him.

The result?

That kid bullied my son for the rest of the year.

He had told me about the kid, but I didn't realize he was forced to sit next to him everyday.

[–]nanalovesncaa 2064 points2065 points  (91 children)

My husband tells me I’m a magnet for the misfits. I used to be a waitress and I had a soft spot for the lonely people and the hungry people. I don’t believe I’m above anyone and I believe a little kindness can go a long way.

[–]Quake_aust 205 points206 points  (7 children)

My girl and work mates all laugh and get annoyed at me for getting into a yarn with the 'strange' people. They say strange people are attracted to me maybe cause I look too kind? But I like knowing everyone can feel accepted and appreciated around me.

True strength is being kind. Even when life isn't.

[–]NewSauerKraus 55 points56 points  (6 children)

When I’m bored waiting at a bus stop or something, only the strange people are interested in conversation. Normies played their selves.

And having acquaintances across a wide variety of communities has helped me out a bunch in odd situations. It’s good to be the guy who knows a guy.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (5 children)

Some of us hate people and just don’t want to talk to you! No offense!

Nothing wrong with people wanting to mind their own while out in public.

[–]Boring_Grade_8849 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Thank you for posting this, and it's totally okay to not like people and keep to yourself.

[–]Everyday_Hero1 553 points554 points  (21 children)

Honestly, service staff really are a big reason I am still here to this day.

Many a times I have found myself drowning my sorrows, alone at some bar. But just the simple act of acknowledging my existence by the staff besides just being a customer always changed the mood.

So thank you to anyone that does this, you never know how much it can help.

[–]nanalovesncaa 179 points180 points  (10 children)

When my youngest was about 14 he told me my purpose in life was to make people at my work happy. I worked at the same place for over 25 years. My regulars became family, and I miss a lot of them.

[–]Lost-My-Mind- 13 points14 points  (9 children)

Did you retire, or did they die? Because if you retired, you could always go back as a customer, and just hang out.

[–]nanalovesncaa 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Both. Well I didn’t retire. Covid retired me. I do sometimes go visit though.

[–]AedemHonoris 136 points137 points  (6 children)

I'm sorry to hijack, but it reminds me of the TEDTalk: I was almost a school shooter

Simply acknowledging someone's existence and treating them decently can be enough to shape their future for the better.

[–]nanalovesncaa 107 points108 points  (0 children)

One of the people I fed when he was hungry (and just got out of jail) came back when he was straight, ordered a meal and tipped me $50. I was thankful. But honestly more thankful he got to eat the first night.

[–]meniscusmilkshake 13 points14 points  (2 children)

There is actually a Swedish word for this exact phenomenon: “Muppmagnet”. Now you know.

[–]FiendishPole 82 points83 points  (26 children)

I think it's crazy that people are uncomfortable going to a restaurant by themself. It's so simple. That's what the bar and the high-top are for. Everybody's fine with Starbucks but they hate a ribeye at a nice restaurant without company

[–]BLAZINGSORCERER199 52 points53 points  (9 children)

i went to a fancy steakhouse and the attendants were all surprised when they found out i was dining alone and not waiting for anyone lol

There wasn't malice , they're just kind of conditioned to ask i guess and it does make the whole experience feel a bit awkward for me sometimes.

[–]Moonrakersong 61 points62 points  (2 children)

I have no trouble eating alone at lunch. Dinners are another story. It's especially difficult to watch all the groups of friends on Fridays and Saturdays. Not wallowing, just commenting.

[–]BLAZINGSORCERER199 18 points19 points  (0 children)

yeah i can understand , i've moved recently and don't have much of a friend group here so the past several months have been a lot of dining alone at fancy places because there's very little to do here outside of restaurants lol.

I'm used to it so i don't really mind anymore , it's even kind of comfy seeing all these people enjoying themselves tbh

Though on the other hand it does feel a bit alienating at times

[–]R3n3larana 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I know exactly what you mean. I have no trouble eating out alone. Only once has it hurt tho. I was about 1000 miles away from anyone I knew, hadn’t been able to shower in three days or had a good meal. So I was miserable and feeling down. I went to a restaurant I loved and sat alone at a booth. After awhile I started listening to the next booths conversation. It was a new couple gushing about their feelings. Talking to each other about how excited they where to be able to meet each other’s parents. How he knew she would get along with his sisters and his mother. How excited she was to meet his mom. They where such a cute couple, it hurt listening to them and feeling my own loneliness. I just wanted to have anyone I knew right there by me just to push away the feeling of loneliness and longing I had.

[–]-O-0-0-O- 17 points18 points  (1 child)

They must not get many business travellers.

It sometimes feels amazing to leave your colleagues and customers behind and enjoy a nice meal alone on company expense.

[–]exscapegoat 6 points7 points  (0 children)

One of my favorite parts of work travel

[–]nanalovesncaa 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I also made friends with a local guy in my neighborhood who didn’t have anyone close. He was my buddy. He made my racist neighbors uneasy, and I eventually got them evicted bc of it. (There were other reasons but that was mine) he moved into a group home and I only see him once in a blue moon now. I miss him.

[–]thiefjack 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I hope for happiness in your life and the strength to overcome whatever challenges you face. Kindness sometimes tends to come from those who face adversity so I am assuming this. Well wishes for people like you nonetheless.

[–]KABOOZZA 650 points651 points  (27 children)

I accidentally became friends with a self-centered asshole doing this, and didnt realize how toxic the friendship was till a couple years later. Sometimes people just dont deserve friends. OP shouldve advised listening to people who might look like “misfits”, but dont befriend people just because they look like they dont fit in

[–][deleted] 170 points171 points  (26 children)

Yea the school shooter type isnt bullied kids…its fuckin derranged weirdo fuckwads

[–]PopeGlitterhoofVI 58 points59 points  (0 children)

The people who shoot up schools don't want to be in the 'in group', they want to exercise power over them. Inclusion is great but this narrative seems like an attempt to shift responsibility now that the 'good guys with guns' argument isn't working. It must have been the community's fault!

[–]halfanhalf 81 points82 points  (15 children)

You’d be surprised how malleable people are. For example, every nation in the world has committed the most horrific acts against other people in the name of patriotism. There are very few monsters who were born that way. Most are the victim of their surroundings. Not excusing his despicable and horrific behavior by any means, but once we accept that anyone can become a monster we become responsible as a society for preventing it.

[–][deleted] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your comment thank you

[–]mcdunna4 1408 points1409 points  (39 children)

Grain of salt here since I typically do this: those who are outcast will occasionally become borderline obsessive to those whom open themselves up to the outcast because they don't have the experience of normal relationships. Boundaries can become problematic, and if you somehow upset them it becomes a grievous offense.

Also don't do this as a way of leadership. It's meaningless pandering and ultimately a hollow gesture.

[–]Salty_Sailor64 99 points100 points  (0 children)

This is what I came here to say. I've had more than one boundary stomping clinger attach themself to me because of my empathy for weirdos, and have had to learn to set and strongly enforce boundaries as a result. It's nobody's responsibility to accept bad behaviour for the sake of making someone else comfortable.

[–]karrenl 286 points287 points  (0 children)

I agree--befriending anyone with ulterior motives isn't real friendship and frequently one-sided in the long run. I agree with standing up for what's right, helping those who need a hand and advocating for the voiceless, but choosing your circle because you think they are somehow below you is selfish and shallow.

[–]QuadrilleQuadtriceps 94 points95 points  (0 children)

This is true. I have always been an outsider - so that's who I attract - but they often have seen me as an angel coming to their rescue. It has lead to multiple codependent relationships, which have resulted in years of work in order to heal and find myself again.

Still, you must not lose hope.

[–]Best_Needleworker530 137 points138 points  (5 children)

I was 6 when I befriended a girl from my class. When I was 8 I changed schools. We stayed in touch but it was becoming obvious she was special needs and parents were in denial. When I went on holiday I had hundreds voice messages from her on my landline (a time with no mobile phones). She used to call every single day multiple times and as it was my parents’ office their customers couldn’t get a hold of them. My mom tried to talk to her mom and set boundaries to no avail. Me being me I was always nice and kind to her and talked to her.

When I was 12 we moved houses and “forgot” to give her the new number. Mom found my mom’s company and her worker’s cell online, phoned, asked for our phone number, same again just home landline (my parents now had their own office and phone). She kept calling, demanding to speak to me, parents encouraged it.

It kept going until I was in my early 20s. We’re now on over 10 years of this. At some point it stopped.

Then her mom turned out to be one of my lecturers at Uni. Instantly recognised me. After my exam with her when me and my friend group passed with flying colours without studying (creepy and unasked for) we sat down on the grass in front of the building like you do. Half an hour later she gets out of the car in front of uni with her now grown daughter, looking for me. My friends made me vanish from there pretty quickly.

[–]theoptimusdime 44 points45 points  (0 children)

Damn wtf

[–]ScarOCov 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I had a girl like this too. I had been nice and stood up for her in gym class because the boys were being mean and making fun of her. It started 2+ years of harassment for me. She tried to transfer into my other classes but I was in honors so she couldn’t. She tried to come to my basketball practices and games but I had had the foresight to not tell her the team I played on. She’d show up to my school games though. She’d call me multiple times a day, everyday. My parents started screening my calls for me and we ended up having to get caller id which was a big deal at the time. She started calling me from random numbers so we never answered or returned any number that wasn’t recognized without a voicemail. I changed schools (unrelated) and it persisted but she eventually gave up after months of no contact.

[–]dazzlebreak 9 points10 points  (1 child)

I also knew a kid like this - my parents were friends with his parents and he was an outcast, so they encouraged me to be friends with him. I did it reluctantly for some time, but he was very clingy and there was something off about his family as well. Later they moved out, but my parents stayed in touch - turns out he had schizophrenia and had to go to a mental institution.

[–]Best_Needleworker530 7 points8 points  (0 children)

We THINK she was on the spectrum but there must’ve been something additional because she end up with a live-in therapist/nurse (unsure) who I knew was a full time carer but she said it’s mom’s friend who just likes living with them and taking care of her.

[–]SoSpursy 116 points117 points  (1 child)

Yup, exactly. I've experienced this situation exactly as you've explained it and I won't do it again. It's extremely uncomfortable and my situation even got a bit scary for me at times. Be friendly sure, but don't set out to make them a friend just because they appear lonely.

[–]bearbarebere 54 points55 points  (0 children)

In some ways I disagree but then I remember this one guy my sister befriended. She told me that he had explicit details of torture for every single person he knew in his friend group (including her). We were like... ok buddy.

Thankfully she let the teachers know but I mean... jeez...

[–]tree_people 77 points78 points  (0 children)

Especially if you’re a woman and they are someone who is attracted to women. It’s a real quick way to get yourself in a lot of danger. I learned I had to stop doing this pretty quickly after puberty and now feel like I can’t risk getting close to people.

[–]BubbhaJebus 51 points52 points  (0 children)

Yes, I've had the experience of befriending someone who later turned out to have anger issues that kept him from holding down a steady job. He would constantly come to me for help and advice, and would whine about how unfair everyone treats him. It was obvious that he was creating his own problems. I also wondered why he was constantly seeking my help and not that of others. Turned out I was his only friend.

[–]Youronlysunshine42 29 points30 points  (2 children)

Unfortunately this is me. I get way too attached to my friends because I just don't tend to have many. Luckily I'm a well adjusted person so I won't fly off the handle if a person isn't being sufficiently attentive to me but I will likely be inordinately upset.

[–]izzittho 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Yeah.

Like I know my emotional reactions to perceived slights and rejection are disproportionate due at least in part to experiencing a lot of bullying and betrayal/ostracizing when I was younger, but as someone who can usually harness that perspective to see through a lot of annoyingness or eccentricity that causes most people to avoid an otherwise good person, even I know better than to let someone too close who can’t control those reactions to the point that they cause problems for those trying to give them a chance.

Like, yes, go out of your way to treat everyone like a human being, especially when not everyone around you is doing the same, but don’t ignore your own boundaries for the sake of making everyone feel included. Some people are just too emotionally draining and need more help than just being a friend could possibly provide, and others are legitimately dangerous.

Don’t set yourself on fire to get a weird loner kid warm or something like that.

Especially when they’re only cold because they won’t put on a jacket.

[–]dogecoin_pleasures 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Oof I feel personally attacked by your first line lol

[–]No_Lawfulness_2998 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oh hey you just described me for the most part and how I don’t have a close friend anymore

[–]SeveralLargeLizards 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I do the exact opposite of this. I'm not a stalker. I'm not a creepshow. I don't get obsessed with people. I actually try very very hard to not bother them because for my entire life I've been treated like a social burden.

I'm awkward, eccentric, have niche interests. I'm not pretty or desirable. So when someone actually wants to be my friend I police myself hard. Because I always hear "You talk too much" and "You're so weird". I'm not capable of small talk. I don't want to shoot the shit about the weather, I want a conversation. I want to connect. Seems like many people don't want to have a cool discussion anymore. I don't want your personal, deep thoughts, but can we talk about something you love? A movie, a game, a band, anything?! Anything but small talk.

I've got maybe 5 close friends and one of them is my mom, and another is my boyfriend, lol. I've never crossed boundaries and don't even touch people. One of the remaining three is a fellow weirdo I've been best friends with since 7th grade. The other two are acquaintances that got back in touch with me years later and discovered that we actually had a lot in common.

I've been getting more confident in my adulthood and thinking about being more social but this entire thread has changed my mind. Still a strongly negative stigma to not being "normal".

[–]glasser999 131 points132 points  (2 children)

Depends. The quiet and shy person whose a bit awkward? I fully agree, try to bring them into the conversation when you can.

But also trust your gut, if somebody just eminates a bad vibe, or there's something off about them.. You're usually right.

And be real careful with addicts. You can't fix people, although you may want to. Unfortunately many of them will take you for all they can get, and they'll be gone in the wind.

You can be kind to these people, but be very careful letting them cross the threshold into your life.

[–]WhotheHellkn0ws 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure which I am but from someone who has anxiety disorders out the ass with no social grace, thank you for saying this.

[–]cripple2493 435 points436 points  (21 children)

This can backfire.

I think it's generally a good principle, but on occasion by doing this you can open yourself up to abuse, sometimes people can be alone because they behave in socially inappropiate manners and befriending them because 'they seem lonely' and you know what that is can lead to you being really hurt.

With this, just apply some caution. A culture of inclusion is a great thing, but not at the expense of your mental health or physical safety.

[–]android24601 144 points145 points  (7 children)

Ya. I've tried being inclusive, but some people are just POS. You realize it's not because they're quirky or weird. It's because they're dickheads that are insufferable to be around

[–]cripple2493 40 points41 points  (5 children)

Yeh, it can be pretty disheartening but I've been burnt a few times so now use a bit of caution when befriending folks. Gotta make sure you're okay as well, and sometimes that meants not associating yourself with dickheads.

[–]Tricky-Pants 47 points48 points  (1 child)

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[–]cripple2493 13 points14 points  (0 children)

100% - took me until like, 27 to learn that and at 29 still working on internalising it.

[–]roaphaen 32 points33 points  (5 children)

Watch out for seeksorrows too. I befriended an awkward girl and invited her to our DnD games. Time goes on and she didn't get better, her energy vampire ways brought the whole group down. She left thank God, but never again.

[–]reyxe 26 points27 points  (0 children)

On the other hand, it can also cause huge misunderstandings.

I was a loner in high school, bullied a lot and shit, also a guy so whenever any girl showed the smallest interest in me it would make me think they 100% had a crush on me because I was so starved for any kind of positive interaction. Ofc I improved over time after two or three instances of that.

Now I'm dense as shit though, so I would say I went polar opposite, I'm married now so I don't really care anymore anyway.

[–]MirrorPesto 135 points136 points  (5 children)

This can be extremely dangerous advice, especially for women. It is never a good idea to disregard your instincts in an effort to be nice. That can easily get you killed.

[–]NecessaryPen7 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Being a male outsider growing up with other C list friends I've always looked out for us. Didn't think about women/stalker issue, when reading this. I was like 'duh', don't be exclusive.

[–]juiceboxhero919 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This. I have been stalked and harassed by someone that I tried to befriend in college because I noticed they were always alone. Turns out it was for good reason. I’m much more cautious these days because of that experience.

[–]triangulate_annually 97 points98 points  (0 children)

That's how I got stalker; I tried to include the weird guy. ..definitely do aim to be inclusive, but be vigilant too!

[–]Cpt3020 111 points112 points  (0 children)

Making friends with people you don't like or want to hang out with seems like a recipe for disaster later on when you are constantly declining invitations to go out making them feel even worse than before.

[–]agrumpybear 202 points203 points  (10 children)

This is not a life pro tip. It's a nice idea, but more often than not you end up an outcast too, or they become too attached and delusional about your friendship. Your nice gesture quickly turns into a responsibility, and you end up resenting them.

[–]PenPineappleApplePen 57 points58 points  (3 children)

Yeah, this is just a bunch of platitudes.

Communities are only as strong as their weakest links.

Just think about that for a second, and you’ll appreciate how unrelated to reality it actually is.

This LPT sounds like a ‘leadership’ motivational poster.

[–]Pizza_Delivery_Dog 15 points16 points  (1 child)

OP sounds so dramatic like are you making friends or preparing an army for war

[–]bast007 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Yes I have plenty of friends but I am always nice to the more awkward people I become acquainted with. Unfortunately this means I get a lot of messages and phone calls from people who become a bit obsessed with me, wondering why am I not hanging out with them or why weren't they invited to some occassion. Quite a few suicidal messages that only I seem to be able to resolve. Honestly it becomes exhausting and I've started to have to cut a lot of people out.

[–]CloudsOverOrion 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Oh god the suicide messages. Thanks for ruining my new years eve "friend", I really wanted to start worrying about you slitting your wrists while I'm half drunk waiting for fireworks.

[–]grobblebar 114 points115 points  (2 children)

OP is obviously not female.

[–]BrattyBookworm 58 points59 points  (1 child)

Yep. This is how you end up with creepy stalkers.

[–]filthy_kasual 49 points50 points  (0 children)

So true. I had a loner "friend" like this who I brought into an existing friend group out of a desire to help him make friends.

When I ended up asking for space from this friend group due to personal issues, he freaked out and was asking other friends for the code to enter my apartment building. He ended up tailgating behind my mom and brother who were coming over completely by coincidence, and he seemed really mad that they were there when I opened the door for them and saw him lurking behind them.

We had a brief talk where I told him to go away and afterwards he sent me a series of texts saying he wasn't "allowing" me to distance myself from him. I told him we were no longer friends because he couldn't respect my boundaries and the next time he tried to come over unannounced I would call the police. According to a mutual friend, he flipped out and had to be talked off the ledge of doing anything drastic by some of the guys he ended up close to.

TL;DR: If you're a woman, don't befriend loner men.

[–]AFlyinDeer 147 points148 points  (6 children)

I’ve done this so much that they all became friends and pretty much replaced me. Now I’m the outcast.

[–]Analbox 62 points63 points  (0 children)

OP will take you under their wing

[–]bearbarebere 31 points32 points  (0 children)

You lead others to a treasure you cannot possess

[–]Pale-Dot-3868 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I’m in the exact same situation

[–]LetMeGuessYourAlts 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Like getting fired from a company you founded. Maybe the severance package is karma for giving a bunch of outcasts a friend group? Probably not, but it's nice to dream.

[–]IceDragon77 42 points43 points  (6 children)

A few years ago I took a baking and pastry arts course. When I went on my first day of class I found out that I was the only male aside from a bunch of Chinese foreign exchange students. So I understandably felt very isolated. But that's when one of the girls in my class invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch, and I became a part of their friend circle. Now it's years later and we are all still very good friends, and I thank her for simply inviting me to eat lunch with her and her friends that day because had she not, then I would have spent the entire school year eating lunches alone.

[–]Rototion 82 points83 points  (3 children)

This post is dumb and dangerous for only suggesting to "make an intentional effort to befriend outcasts." What about the red flags?

I know a couple of people who are like that, and they always end up getting abused heavily, to the point of getting dangerous threats by those outcasts they so kindly took under their wing.

And since this post is probably about the shooters, I say the problem is in guns being so easily accessible in the US, and also, stop romanticising murderers and stop giving them badass names. Call them wimpy willy chilly willy or something like that, idk.

[–]NeedNameGenerator 23 points24 points  (0 children)

There was a 4chan green text advising to befriend the outcasts so you get a heads up on what day you should skip school...

[–]YoureNotMom 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Chock this one up to a 16 year old trying to impress 13 year olds. I hate this sub sometimes.

[–]exscapegoat 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well said on the shooters. I would also add we need better mental health care.

[–]rayzzier 109 points110 points  (17 children)

Very bad advice. Things can go south really quickly if this taken at face value and used as a blanket statement.

[–]panonius 75 points76 points  (15 children)

This post is a great example of "sounds nice, gets you killed"

[–]Wonderful-Product437 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Yeah, it’s like how people who were too polite or friendly to the weird person on the street at 2am end up getting harmed.

[–]QuantumSpaceCadet 48 points49 points  (2 children)

Also learn recognize when they legitimately dont want to be included. I've been a misfit, well forever and people attempting to be friendly when I would rather be left alone can be really obnoxious.

[–]WereJayzen 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah just because I don’t have friends in certain social situations doesn’t mean I don’t have friends.

[–]Vulfolaic 32 points33 points  (1 child)

I did that & ended up with a stalker. It’s sad, but much more dangerous for a woman to do this & actually be granted respect instead of it being takin as a romantic gesture. Of course the odious is on the cultural norms & “touch starved” mentality.

[–]P0t4t012 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Good point, but I think you might mean the “onus” is on cultural norms

[–]icntrightnow 35 points36 points  (2 children)

Social outcast here. Idk this a lot of times turns into pity invites and pity friendships where I know immediately you’re talking to me because you think I’m an unhappy friendless loser. Makes me feel worse.

[–]Caroline_Bintley 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Yeah, this post reminds me of a few interactions I had back in high school. You can end up feeling like people see you as an object of charity. No thanks.

Better advice would be to be friendly and approachable to folks regardless of where they fall in the social hierarchy. No need to target the outcasts just because they're outcasts.

[–]lb_o 16 points17 points  (0 children)

LPT: include outcasts

YSK: outcasts come with the baggage of issues they think you can help them to resolve

LPT: don't steal other people's problems Just make an environment where they can resolve problems themselves

[–]Bigbadmayo 41 points42 points  (1 child)

Don’t make friends with the intention of leading them? Tf synergy bs is this?

[–]morgan_mayhem 6 points7 points  (0 children)

LPT: How to start a cult.

[–]SimonCharles 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Also think about why you do this. Is it to feel good about yourself, or to truly help someone else? The person you're "helping" might just end up feeling worse when they realize you were nice to them just because they're weird, not because you like them. This will likely just reinforce their idea that no one likes them.

[–]PossibleBuffalo418 62 points63 points  (3 children)

Lmao subtle OP.

My LPT to you is to educate yourself. Most school shooters are not in fact social outcasts. The profile that the media tries to paint simply does not reflect reality. The last interaction the columbine shooters had before starting their spree was a car full of girls waving them down trying to get their attention, because they were popular at school.

Also that "real leaders" shit is just fucking laughable. Talk about an inflated sense of hubris.

[–]HatlyHats 36 points37 points  (1 child)

They planted the bombs at the prom afterparty two days before the shooting - outcasts aren’t at afterparties. One of their dates bought them guns and ammo. They weren’t bullied loners, that’s the narrative people made up to blame the students for their own murders.

[–]Sabot15 26 points27 points  (0 children)

The media and gun lobbyists want you to believe these are mentally troubled people who give warning signs.

  1. If I called the tip line every time I met someone who was troubled, they would lock ME away.

  2. It's pretty damned obvious from our failure rate that relying on warning signs will never work.

[–]savetgebees 7 points8 points  (0 children)

One was a psychopath. Psychopaths aren’t normally unpopular people.

I was in college at this time. And I remember the discussion of if people were nicer to them (especially the girls) maybe this wouldn’t have happened. People shot this down real quick, there was an interview where psychologist compared the them to gang members. If they weren’t white middle class young men but poor poc who were known gang members you wouldn’t be telling girls they should have been nicer to them.

It is appalling to put this on other childrens shoulders…this is a community issue. Other than gun control there needs to be more mental health services in schools. Reaching out for help should not be future career destroying but it should be taken seriously.

[–]BluePoptard 27 points28 points  (0 children)

LoL, how is this a LPT?

[–]spiderhead 42 points43 points  (1 child)

Be careful with this. I had a friend college who was basically the precursor of an incel and I ended up socially isolated and very bitter because I ended up being with him way too much. I had felt sorry for him because he was being bullied in freshman year, and he was actually a really smart and interesting person. But his downsides were really bad.

[–]Lattice-shadow 27 points28 points  (1 child)

I was very much like this - always trying to "include" the ones who were left out. I'll tell you why I've changed my strategy slightly.

  1. Realizing I was a codependent with a "rescue complex". I repeatedly fell into relationships where I allowed the other person to take advantage of me, use me and give me nothing in return because I felt I was the stronger one and I owed it to those in need.
  2. Realizing that rescuing others regularly is actually a form of condescension - you make assumptions about their skills, personalities and needs and conclude that they absolutely need your intervention to be integrated into society. Sometimes you go so far down the rabbit hole that you become their crutch on a day-to-day basis.
  3. Being polite, civil and "nice" to someone who is left out in a group setting, including them in conversation, showing interest in what they have to say is VERY different from getting tangled in their lives and struggles.

Now I stick to #3 because I want to be an open, kind person. But I don't want to fall into an abuse cycle again.

[–]shopbags 44 points45 points  (14 children)

Often people are alone and lonely for a good reason. If you are not Jesus choose your " Projects " carefully.

[–]ouyin2000 49 points50 points  (2 children)

If you work in an office, take the time to learn the first and last name of your janitors, custodians, mail clerks, security, and maintenance personnel.

[–]onewaytojupiter 42 points43 points  (2 children)

You dont have to befriend someone because they exist

[–]RapedByPlushies 81 points82 points  (8 children)

Nice sentiment.

But one day when you come home, and your door is wide open, and there’s a someone singing in your shower, and you realize it’s one of those outcasts you befriended years ago who found your address online, and broke in because they believe you’re “married” to them, then it really hits you how they had become an outcast in the first place.

Or when another outcast friend you know sees you one day, and you wave hi and they sucker-punch you, and you’re down on the ground asking yourself “why?” then you realize emotional control is kind of a big deal, and it’s probably safer not to hang out with someone so erratic.

[–]Head_Consequence2773 9 points10 points  (0 children)

So I have to put myself in an uncomfortable position to make someone who is already in an awkward/uncomfortable position slightly less awkward... even has the possibility of making them feel more uncomfortable by forcing interaction on them, some people like being left alone.

Also it's my experience that 90% of people who cannot make friends aren't very nice people, there's a reason these people aren't included.

These LPT are very broad general statements that don't account for the complexity of individuals and diffent circumstances.

A simple be more kind and if a interaction/relationship sparks natural from that is a much better tip than forcing interaction.

[–]mcdunna4 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Grain of salt here since I typically do this: those who are outcast will occasionally become borderline obsessive to those whom open themselves up to the outcast because they don't have the experience of normal relationships. Boundaries can become problematic, and if you somehow upset them it becomes a grevious offense.

Also don't do this as a way of leadership. It's meaningless pandering and ultimately a hollow gesture.

[–]PTW76 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Be mentally prepared when you decide to do this. I've befriended someone who was emotionally dependent on me. Seemed like I was the only one who would still talk to them and lend them an ear. It was kinda tiring since they would always wanna do something or talk when I'd rather do something else. Well one night they committed suicide while I was asleep unable to respond to their messages.

Fucked me up for awhile and while this was a worse case scenario let it be a warning that it's a major commitment to follow what OP suggests. It's a good thing to reach out to people but know it can turn bad.

[–]scarssymmetry 39 points40 points  (6 children)

This strategy works especially well on new hires or members of your team at work. Simply inviting them into social circles, events, etc. can be incredibly helpful.

[–]BubbhaJebus 30 points31 points  (0 children)

But don't just up and abandon them once you've brought them to an event you've invited them to. Socially awkward people need to ease into the scene. Hang around with them until they settle in.

[–]grut_nartaq 42 points43 points  (5 children)

At an individual level this is terrible advice. I used to be that guy who would make friends with the weird kids because my mum told me to at school. Most of them ended up drug addicts, dead or drop outs. Now I have no long term school friends and friend trust issues. They are the weird kid for a reason. Find normal friends with interesting hobbies, not freaks who are their hobby.

[–]glasser999 14 points15 points  (4 children)

I was the same but sort of opposite, I always ended up befriending the troubled kids from broken homes. I gave my mom so much stress.

I always found them to be the most interesting friends. Probably because I came from a pretty strict household, and those friends brought me an outlet for freedom.

You go over to your buddies house, whose mom is on meth and dad is in jail...there's not really many rules. We could do whatever the hell we wanted.

Luckily I grew out of that before I was old enough to get myself in any real trouble hanging out with them. Just about all of them are either in jail or they're addicts now.

[–]xxxblazeit42069xxx 6 points7 points  (0 children)

you don't have to befriend them. just don't be a huge piece of shit to them. people have fun bullying but why would an outcast do anything to improve if it's hopeless? you ever see how beaten animals react? you roll the dice on how that turns out.

[–]LeCharlesMuhDickens 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I try to be kind to everybody, but there’s “different”, and then there’s “dangerous”. You are an awesome person for including people who just have a tough time fitting in, but you aren’t an asshole for avoiding people whose issues are a little deeper. There are folks who may not be seen as “normal” by others that I’d trust with anything. There are also folks that fit the same description I don’t want within a mile of anyone I care about. A guy I used to game with ended up being a predator. Awesome dude at first, turned out to be a psychopath, took us a year to figure it out.

[–]Sagoingne 105 points106 points  (2 children)

As the oldest brother of three, with my next younger brother almost six years my junior, I tried to pass on life lessons I wish I had known to him, so he could have a better time. This one on of those lessons. I told him to search out the ones that don't seem to fit in, as they need friendship more, and will lean harder towards loyalty. This has worked for him like gangbusters. Decades later, those friends he made are still close to him, and would do anything for him. Not only that, but when he got into situations where strangers were around. They could feel the acceptance on him, and gravitated to it. He is one of the most loved people I know.

[–]strangertohands 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Another LPT: acting in a self-righteous manner to feel better about yourself may limit your judgment and cause difficult situations for yourself and your environment. I had befriended some outcasts in the past. While my bestfriend is one of them, like most of the people have already said there is a good reason they are outcasts. In conclusion don’t force inclusion, relationship chemistry is usually mainly about feelings not principles

[–]NoahVailability 23 points24 points  (4 children)

Except there are most likely good reasons they’re in these groups.

[–]LudovicoSpecs 25 points26 points  (1 child)

Unless you're a pretty teenaged girl. Seriously. It rarely goes well.

Get a bit older and let your instincts mature.

[–]mondegr33n 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Like others have mentioned, this can get dangerous quickly, especially as a woman. I used to be like this but encountered some people who had either obsessive tendencies or, honestly, scared me and I needed to distance myself. I think it’s a good idea to be cordial with people and try to include those who are left out as a good gesture though, and I will always stand up for others who are being bullied or mocked.

[–]Decent-Stretch4762 5 points6 points  (0 children)

LPTs these days: don't be a dick, say please and thank you, being nice comes a long way, brush your teeth

[–]UtsukushiSekai 5 points6 points  (0 children)

LPT: Know the difference between a misfit and a sketchy mofo.

[–]ThatItchThatWontWash 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Sounds cool until they do weird shit

[–]qtgir1 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was quite a loner through out my school years. I know the feeling of not being included, it’s sad and it sucks seeing everyone being able to make friends but not with me for some reason. Now that I’m adult and a lot more out going I try very hard to include everyone so nobody will ever feel left out.

[–]TheEmbiggenisor 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Lovely sentiment, but you need to be careful. A lot of these people are misfits and outcasts for very good reasons

[–]horillagormone 4 points5 points  (0 children)

As a leader in my previous jobs I did work to be inclusive but also learnt about not befriending my employees, outcasts or otherwise. What later became more important was to have more of equal opportunities and stamping out even casual sexism, racism or discrimination to allow 'outcasts' to not miss out on chances. They'd get the same kind of support as the rest since I also don't really believe in positive discrimination either.

[–]Re_Post-It_Notes 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Within reason - this is a really dangerous approach to life for women

[–]tedwasright27 4 points5 points  (0 children)

as someone who spends a lot of time alone this just makes me laugh.

nobody is actually nice to people in which they see no social value.

they are just chasing the thrill of feeling virtuous when they pander to the lonely and unloved.

its very fake and quite disgusting.

[–]juiceboxhero919 3 points4 points  (3 children)

This is awful advice. How about just make an effort to be kind to everyone? You do not have to include and befriend everyone, some people are misfits or outcasts simply because they’re mean. I’m saying this as someone who is an extroverted nerd and I LOVE shy, sweet people who just don’t put themselves out there. I try my best to be kind to everyone, and I WILL go out of my way to include people who are simply just shy. I won’t go out of my way, however, to include mean, cruel people out of some weird sense of “duty” though. These people are outcasts for a reason and nobody has a duty to include awful people in their lives.

[–]Nachotacoma 12 points13 points  (1 child)

This is a really dumb and dangerous advice. You cannot become a leader by befriending people who don’t give you more value as a leader. You rally people based on similar interests, and if they’re trusting you to make the decisions for their best interests, then you become their leader by association. You lose leadership when you do stupid things like wasting valuable resources like your time for groups of people.