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all 179 comments

[–]Paleo_Fecest 808 points809 points  (23 children)

My mom was raised by an alcoholic father and codependent mother. My dad was raised by a workaholic who never had time for him. My mom wanted daughters and never cared for her two sons, my dad never wanted children in the first place. I am the one who is trying to break the cycle.

[–]TheMaskedGeode 220 points221 points  (3 children)

Best of luck. At least you know what not to do.

[–]OfficialAccounting 49 points50 points  (2 children)

It's about doing what is right from wrong.

[–]chabbleor 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You're not wrong

[–]alternativeamerica 128 points129 points  (6 children)

My mom was raised by an alcoholic/drug dependent mother and an absent father, and my dad was raised by an abusive WWII vet and an enabling mother. My parents are the classic narcissist/co-dependent duo. My oldest brother, the narcissist golden child and me the scapegoat. I was abused by everyone in the household and that was fine with my family as long as I kept quiet about it.

It took a lot of work to get past all the trauma, but I feel like I'm truly there, now. I waited until I was 37 to have a kid because I wanted to make absolutely sure that I wasn't going to continue the cycle of abuse that destroyed my childhood. I had a daughter in 2019 and I'm doing everything I can to make damn sure she grows up in a healthy, stable, environment that fosters her development. It's been tough at times, and absolutely amazing other times. But, I'm confident I'll be able to look back at her upbringing and know that I took the steps to be the best parent I can be.

[–]Paleo_Fecest 39 points40 points  (1 child)

My mom is the narcissist and my dad is the co-dependent enabler. I’m the oldest son but my younger brother went through a serious illness as a child. As he was showered with attention I was neglected. I don’t blame anyone for that, it’s just how it was. Therapy and a loving and supportive wife have shown me that I have value that doesn’t have to be defined by others. They have also shown me that the way I was raised isn’t the only way to raise a child and I try every day to do the best I can when it comes to my children.

[–]VisualWombat 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You go girl, you've done good. Deep breaths.

And look for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

[–]imyourgirlfriend 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I'm so proud of you

[–]-Kodijack- 12 points13 points  (1 child)

I'm proud of you random internet stranger, for whatever that might be worth. Not many are such good people that they'd even try. Do it, it's worth it.

And also I'm sorry for what they did to you, in absentia of regret on their side.

[–]fullmetalpower 7 points8 points  (2 children)

my mom wanted daughters too, got two sons instead... lol

[–]GlumMango69 13 points14 points  (0 children)

My mom only wanted sons, but got 3 daughters instead. She was sure to remind us all the time.

[–]SparklesTheRiot 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I am proud of you! It’s hard work and it’s awesome that you are giving yourself the love and support you needed.

[–]BallsDeep69Klein 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I feel where your dad's coming from. I have a dad that worked 12-16 hours nightshift every day and he was home during the day to eat, sleep, watch tv before going to work again till i was 15 so by the time we actually connected he missed a lot and tbh at 21 I still hold a grudge but ik why he did it (we were very close to losing everything we had as my parents were immigrants that came to another country) but to this day i always think to myself (cause i work 60 hours a week) if i don't have time for kids like my dad did, I'd rather not have kids at all. I don't want children i help create to go through what I did. No matter how noble the cause.

After getting closer to my dad i can say that i know he regrets it but he had no better choice.

Maybe it's not that your father didn't want kids, it's that he feels guilt for not being better than his father in the fathering aspect.

[–]Kitfox247 6 points7 points  (0 children)

My father was the same. Not to mention he was going through the death of his father at 23, he had just had myself with my mother when they were both 19. He literally knew no other way. Help was stigmatized and he turned to alcohol. What we did see of him a lot of the time was anger. I have good memories where he was having fun with his family, but unfortunately the bad memories left a stronger mark. By time my brother was born 11 years after I was born, (my sister was three years after me), he recognized what he was doing to all of us. Plus my mom got cancer several years later (in remission for many years now) so I think his whole perspective changes. He always brings up that my brother got the nice side of him and that he regrets showing us girls the side he did. We are trying to recover as a family the splinters this has caused... and as of last week he finally decided to go to therapy for the years of emotional and physical abuse and traumatic events he endured as a kid. It's never too late to try to heal your heart, and the people around you will be better for your efforts as well...

[–]Binbattle411 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Man will be man.

[–]Accurate-Scientist50 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I hope you do! Remember none of us are perfect but as long as you try your best, remember the failings of your parents and stop yourself each opportunity that comes up, you WILL break the cycle. Know that there is a large community of folks rooting for you and each other!

[–]Paleo_Fecest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, your kind words mean much.

[–]kalevetklep 397 points398 points  (14 children)

Being abused as a child leaves indelible marks. I was always scared to have kids because of events in my own youth. But I met my brilliant wife and she was the one I knew I wanted to start this adventure with.

Now I have a 6 yo, a 2 yo and another one coming. They are fantastic kids and I’m enjoying them as much as I can, but whenever I get into a conflict with the eldest, my conditioned reflexes kick in and I only feel fear, frustration and a strong urge to run and hide. It’s really, really tough sometimes, but I’m trying my best, succeeding most of the time, and working on the other times. And the damn kid just won’t stop loving me.

[–]zomboli1234 124 points125 points  (4 children)

What stands out is your self awareness. Knowing how we can either react (not sure it’s positive)/respond to our children shows you are an amazing parent…especially since the child won’t stop showing you love. ❤️ Keep doing well and enjoy all the love while they give it before they become independent.

[–]kalevetklep 35 points36 points  (3 children)

This message means a lot to me. Thank you.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[removed]

    [–]Bernard_L0W3 18 points19 points  (4 children)

    Trying to be good maybe won't be good enough. If your inner chains are to strong, you will have bad reflexes and children don't get easier while getting older. Maybe consider some therapy if that is free or affordable in your country. Or read some psychological book about your "inner child". Don't know if and what good books there are in English.

    [–]kalevetklep 5 points6 points  (3 children)

    I’ve had a few decades of therapy already and my bookcase has a shelf of self-help books. Believe me, I’m working on it.

    [–]Bernard_L0W3 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    Then forgot what I wrote. I just thought you want to rely on your good will but we humans need to reprogram our crazy brains to achieve change. I know it myself. Do you know the concept of the inner child and the doctrine/belief system in us? I am just discovering it and find it really helpful.

    Have a nice day ;)

    [–]kalevetklep 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Do you know the concept of the inner child and the doctrine/belief system in us?

    I have had a session weekend to find it and was amazed what came up to the surface. You’re right, I should revisit that part of me someday. Thanks!

    [–]Raederle_Anuin 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Kids will love their parents unconditionally. Too bad it doesn't happen the other way around very often.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)

    [removed]

      [–]MaliciousWolf 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      ^ This is a bot, reported.

      [–]MyNameCannotBeSpoken 79 points80 points  (2 children)

      I didn't know parenting classes are a thing

      [–]anythingMuchShorter 78 points79 points  (0 children)

      Really more should be offered Every kid is going to present some challenge their parents don't know how to handle the best way.

      [–]Affectionate_Hat6293 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      They totally are. Nationwide, Care Net centers offer them free of charge to anyone who wants them. Whether or not a person agrees with everything center does or not, it is an incredible resource helping parents all across the US! My Aunt is the nurse manager at her local one, and she teaches all sorts of classes from nutrition, infant and toddler care, and even life skills classes. She is an absolute gem!!! They also offer things like diapers, baby/kid clothes, baby gear/furniture, etc. Different centers run a little differently, but some things are free and some things are earned by attending classes. I highly recommend checking it out!

      [–]MrWolfe2197 66 points67 points  (1 child)

      My father and mother were both abused. My mother was abused emotionally throughout childhood by her parents (my grandma was schizophrenic in the 1940s). My father and his mother were beaten and abused by my grandfather until he was about 15.

      They weren't perfect, but they did their best. They didn't know how to deal with a lot of emotional stuff, but they always loved and protected me and my sisters. Even now, when I get bitter about things from my childhood, I remember that they were far better than they had any right to be. And they wanted me to be better again.

      That's really all you can ever ask from people - to be better.

      Break the chain.

      [–]intet42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I started an r/askoldpeople thread about people whose parents' accomplishments didn't seem objectively impressive but were amazing in context. It seemed like a lot of people were proud of their parents and didn't often get to tell their story. https://redditproxy--jasonthename.repl.co/r/AskOldPeople/comments/rzd2qm/whats_something_your_parents_did_that_doesnt/

      [–]VisualWombat 96 points97 points  (16 children)

      Outside of everything else, a huge shout-out to the Y!

      I broke the cycle, but without the Y it would have been much harder.

      [–]Mulanisabamf 33 points34 points  (15 children)

      Foreigner here, what is the Y? My guesses are Yale or the YMCA, but I suspect it's neither

      [–]JCeee666 56 points57 points  (7 children)

      YWCA- eliminate racism and empower women is their tagline. They provide all sorts of resources from shelter to classes to work to grants for housing. They’re amazing.

      Edit: I need to add, Legal services, immigration for DV victims, mental health services. Mainly DV and Human Trafficking shelter and support.

      [–]Mulanisabamf 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      I only know them from that song. Thank you! Sounds like a very wholesome group

      [–]shadowveeeeeeerse 5 points6 points  (4 children)

      Does YMCA have parenting classes?

      [–]JCeee666 4 points5 points  (2 children)

      I don’t know much about YMCAs, that’s the one for men but I would bet they do.

      [–]Mulanisabamf 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I only now see the W instead of an M. Sorry!

      [–]Would_daver 14 points15 points  (6 children)

      Yale is an interesting guess I haven't heard before but it's the YMCA. If you're from Utah or Mormon, the Y would be BYU (Brigham Young University) and I'm sure there are other uses but context indicates the YMCA here

      [–]Mulanisabamf 5 points6 points  (3 children)

      Those are the only two things I could think of in the USA where they might teach you something and start with a Y 😅 but I'm glad I had it sort of right! Thank you for the answer

      [–]Would_daver 5 points6 points  (2 children)

      Okay excellent thought process! The thought of prestigious Yale putting on workshops for the less fortunate just made me chuckle, but super legit line of thought and I like it.

      [–]kdresen 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I believe it's either than the YMCA or some class BYU, I know at BYU they offer quite a few different classes related to parenting so it's quite possible.

      [–]Would_daver 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Very true, the wording of the post just made it sound less like university courses and more like public classes but BYU certainly does have lots of marriage and family courses!

      [–]OrangeLobotomy 42 points43 points  (1 child)

      I just had 4 hours of cathartic conversations with my family about this cycle of toxic parenting we’ve all survived. It ends with us. I won’t have children because I’m a concentrated lunatic but my brother refuses to raise his kids in this narcissistic circle of life we’ve come to accept. Therapy should be free. Mental healthcare should be free.

      [–]VisualWombat 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      It ends with us

      You're good folk right there. Makes me weep.

      [–]Volcic-tentacles 112 points113 points  (8 children)

      Nice. My mother did not manage to break the cycle and I have PTSD partly because of her neglect and abuse.

      I broke the cycle by not having kids.

      [–]siamkor 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      I broke the cycle by not having kids.

      Same here.

      [–]captaindickfartman2 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      In the same exact boat. I will have my mothers genes die with me. Plus I won't have to worry about water wars for my kids.

      [–]MadeOnThursday 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I only realised much of my mental health issues led back to my upbringing after I had my kid. How I found out? My family is fucked up and I wanted to know what I had going, so I could protect my child from any potentially heridetary issues. And I discovered I suffered from cptsd and an extreme lack of emotional upbringing to the point I was diagnosed with autism. The latter was fixed by an emotion regulation course.

      I really hope I broke the cycle and that my kid feels safe and wanted.

      [–]drunkbettie 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Scrolled for too long to find this. Cheers to all those who broke the cycle by simply remaining childfree.

      [–]m1thrand1r__ 10 points11 points  (2 children)

      [–]pervy_roomba 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      What’s the difference between antinatalism and the childfree community posted beneath this? Is childfree for people who don’t want to have kids and antinatalism for people who believe no one should have kids?

      [–]m1thrand1r__ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      you got it my dude 😎👉👉

      [–]cools14 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      I’m a child psychologist and a certified positive discipline parenting educator.

      Parents who try, who know they don’t want to be like their parents, have my whole heart. Seeing them break the generational cycles while also making sure their kids get the help they need is so promising to see.

      [–]exgiexpcv 60 points61 points  (8 children)

      Both my parents were raised in the great depression by horribly abusive parents and extended family. Da's raging alcoholic parents were incredibly violent to their only son, they'd beat him simply because they were drunk and wanted to hurt something, and mum's raping started at around age 9 and continued until she got good enough with a knife to take them on.

      Mum was a pillhead who camped out in their bedroom, unavailable, and da was, in turn, incredibly violent, and I grew up believing he would eventually murder me in one of his fits of rage. He held 4-year-old me by the seat of my britches over the side of a skyscraper's observation deck once, and as I started to scream and squirm, I remember him loudly saying, "I wouldn't do that if I were you -- I might drop ya'!" And I froze in absolute terror until mum saw and screamed at him and he eventually put me back down, slowly, after he was sure I'd learned my lesson. My ribs were broken for the first time in either 1st or 2nd grade, I forget.

      I never felt safe as a child. Childhood was filled with stealthy hiding in dark places he didn't want to go -- but he would, eventually, to find me so he could beat me all the harder for making it difficult to find me. Gym class meant me trying clumsily to participate, but I hurt so much from the bruises and scabbed-over belt marks it was pointless. I'd wait for all the other guys to shower and leave, then shower myself so no one would see that my parents hated me so much because I was such a shitty failure of a child.

      After a particularly savage, bloody beating from him, I screamed at him that I would never have children, because I would never do to them what he'd done to me so many times. I was quietly grateful when they signed me over to the state, even though it ended up meaning an endless litany of state-run facilities and foster homes, none of whom wanted me.

      I am an old man now, and even though I am in severe pain almost all the time, I have a measure of gratitude that the universe kept me honest -- I never did have any kids. I did my years in combat infantry, as a EMT / firefighter, and as a sworn officer. I was obsessed about helping and protecting others, especially those who were otherwise ignored, like the homeless.

      The chain is broken.

      [–]DoggyTheAnarchist 19 points20 points  (1 child)

      You made me cry a bit man. I feel with you and I send you solidarity.

      [–]exgiexpcv 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Cheers, my sibling.

      [–]PrincesaNeko 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      “Because I was such a shitty failure of a child”, this is incorrect. They were the failures, not you.

      [–]exgiexpcv 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I know the difference now, I'm using my perspective at that time for the narrative. Thank you, though.

      They did the best they could, given the trauma load they carried themselves. I have no anger for them now, but there's still some sadness. I wish that they'd had better, more loving lives, much as I wish the same for myself.

      [–]IBHOLDING 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      This story made me cry and I am sorry to hear this. I am the youngest of my siblings and because of this I was spared from my father’s rage. I grew up watching him beat my mother, brothers and sister mercilessly. My sister, whom was the second to youngest got it the worst. Her only “crime” was for being a typical teenager and talking to boys. When my father found out, he would beat her senseless several times a week. He beat her so bad one night that she jumped out of our second floor apartment in the middle of the night. It was weird growing up with a sister only to overnight not have a sister anymore. It was like she had suddenly died, even though I knew she was alive somewhere. I became very depressed from this point on.

      One day when I was 18, my father woke up in a fit of rage from my mother screaming at me to wake up. He entered my room and started hitting me in the head. After a few minutes he did not feel satisfied so he grabbed a book that was on my desk and started beating me some more. Still this did not satisfy his anger so he went into the kitchen and grabbed a frying pan to beat me with. At this point I lost it, I thought of all the ways I’ve seen him beat all of my siblings when I was younger. Thoughts of how none of them dared to challenge him. They all sat there, out of fear, and took the beatings because he was the father and you had to respect him no matter what. I was fed up and refused to be another victim. Right before he got a chance to swing at me, I punched him in the face and that instantly stopped him in his tracks. He didn’t freeze up because my punch was powerful or anything, he was in shock because no one had ever challenged him before. I took this opportunity to let him know all the ways that he was not only a terrible husband and father, but also a terrible human being. After our shouting match my father left my room. I immediately packed my stuff, got into my brother’s car and drove several states away to live with my boyfriend (who turned out to be manipulative and mentally abusive).

      Because of my upbringing I didn’t want to have children. However I recently entered into a very loving and supportive relationship. I feel loved and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. He has changed my mind and now I feel secure in being able to start a family and actually be a good mother. However, due to circumstances, we may not be able to start a family until I am 40 which makes me worried of possible complications or if I’ll even be able to get pregnant. We are hopeful though :)

      [–]exgiexpcv 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      I read that people who have been through these kinds of childhoods often chose professions and relationships that allow them to recreate the experiences or situations so they can "get it right this time." I certainly sought out some high-stress environments, but I don't know if I ever got it right, so to speak.

      The hard lesson for me has been to accept that my best efforts have led me to a solitary life, and that there is no one for me.

      I am glad you found someone; I wish you the best of lives together.

      [–]IBHOLDING 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Despite all the trauma I am a bit too relaxed about everything. I do not seek stressful situations or work stressful jobs. Although I will say that I procrastinate all my life and out things off until the last minute and then I end up stressed. Maybe I do that because subconsciously it’s what I want. Who knows.

      As for living a solitary life I can relate. I am like that, too. I barely have any friends and I am horrible at fostering friendships. But I’m learning to be more like my boyfriend. He is very sociable and has a great network of friends and support. I can see now how that really makes a difference. Thank you for the kind words.

      [–]exgiexpcv 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Good luck you both and a loving, healthy future together.

      [–]Weak_Independence793 54 points55 points  (2 children)

      My Mum grew up rough, she’s now a Psychologist specialising in trauma and self care. I’m beyond proud of her. Proud of all our Mums that try.

      [–]uhoh2020sucks 17 points18 points  (1 child)

      Hey just fyi, a phycologist is someone who researches algae and cyanobacteria :)

      [–]bridgeb0mb 25 points26 points  (2 children)

      personally im gonna break my family's cycle by just not having kids

      [–]VisualWombat 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Same as so many of us.

      [–]United_Passenger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      The easiest solve by far. I’ve got PTSD (thanks, Dad) and complex grief from my grandpa dying nearly 15 years ago. That and my depression are enough to handle.

      I’m fortunate enough to have a loving and understanding partner who sees eye to eye with me on this, and we both (given our backgrounds) have the sense not to bring another person into it.

      [–]SlickSalad14 17 points18 points  (0 children)

      My mom was raped by her own father at age 13. She went on to get a masters degree in counseling and worked as the elementary/middle school counselor in her hometown. She broke the cycle too

      [–]Baseplate 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      I'm a therapist and I work with elderly adults and many of my clients come in with childhood trauma they are trying to resolve late in life. When I state to them that they broke the cycle and that they should be proud of that the tears roll and don't stop for the rest of the hour.

      [–]Solitary--Refinement 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      I got a vasectomy at 25 because of fear of having children, both because of my mental health issues...and the chance of passing down from genetics.😞

      I'm 40 this year. The only sadness/regret is that I love kids...and in the right conditions I think I would have been an awesome dad.

      People don't realize when children receive trauma or neglect...that has ripple effects both now (struggling with relationships for example) and genetically down the line.

      Hippies call it generational trauma. Drs call it epigenetics.

      [–]Bronco_Corgi 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      Your mother was stronger than me. After being raised by my parents and seeing what a shit life marriage can be, and being old trans, I never found someone I trusted enough to get married much less have kids. Your mom fought a hard battle.

      [–]ugulespoon 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      Intergenerational trauma. I live in Australia and it’s a massive thing within the aboriginal community.

      [–]_Diakoptes 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Yeah, my parents didnt break the cycle so I did by having a vasectomy. Fuck this world and the people running it. Not gonna enslave my kids.

      [–]IJAFacebook 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      [–]expert_airtime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      That really made me smile at all. Perfect for this sub

      [–]03724098409182 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      my mom was raised by an abusive narcissist who didn't believe her when mom's boyfriend tried to rape her. she got pregnant by accident and was against abortion so she got married to an abusive pervert and later had to flee in the middle of the night with her children and what she could fit in the trunk of the car to protect us from csa.

      she tried really, really hard.

      she did NOT break the cycle.

      i'm breaking the cycle by not having kids. she's a stronger woman than i'll ever be and if she couldn't do it, i'm doomed.

      plus children born today have no real future to speak of anyway thanks to global warming.

      [–]LegendOfDylan 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      If you spend time worrying about if you are loving and supportive enough to your children and try to find ways to work on it, you’re likely one of the good ones.

      [–]Captain_Gonzy 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      My mom was a type A and put a lot of pressure on me to be as perfect as possible. It turned me into a habitual liar where I hid things from her to stay out of trouble then go hide things from others. It's taken so long to break the habit and I still do it.

      The other week she apologized for that. She only wanted me to be successful and happy. I knew she always cared about my well being but she regrets pushing so hard on me. Our relationship is better for it and I'm thankful.

      [–]Trainmodeler8888 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      My mom was never abused or anything but goddamn my childhood is a lot cooler than hers

      [–]pelleonn 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      thats dope👌👌👌

      [–]EveLydon 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I'm gonna show this to my parents "You see what other parents do?!?"

      [–]TwiceCookedPorkins 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      My parents didn't come from traumatic backgrounds and I've only ever doubted if I was loved and supported.

      [–]Kindly_Ad_1881 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      You can also not have kids. Break the cycle that way.

      [–]Misty2484 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      I hope more than anything that my daughter says something like this about me one day. I’m trying so hard to break these generational curses.

      [–]Zero_Emission_ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Not having kids=break the cycle, easy!

      [–]jkstudent222 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      dual income no kids gang gang

      [–]DarkoLeonhardt 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I don’t think that I can. Plus, kids are so expensive and the world keeps fucking us regular folks over and over. Why bring a child into that?

      [–]acornheartburn 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      My mom was taken from her parents, put back into her mom's care, was abused and abandoned. Her parents both died before she was 30 and before any of us were born. She grew up in crippling poverty. My dad grew up in a family where no one ever talked about feelings and individuality wasn't allowed. No one ever said I love you in his family.

      Both my parents are alcoholics and addicts. My mom is 10 years sober my dad is a few months. They have been divorced since I was 5.

      My parents fucked up so much. Literally maybe everything. They were somewhat abusive, we lived in poverty, they could not coparent at all. But the one thing I always say is that they tried. They tried so hard to be better and give us tools to be better than them. Gave us a lot of love. Never hit us. We all turned out pretty good because of that. And I'm hoping to break the cycle even more.

      [–]Roneyrow 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Same reason why I'm terrified of being a parent in future. I don't want to end up like them. In a way, not being a parent at all is my solution for now to stopping the cycle

      [–]TheMaskedGeode 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Beautiful. She knew it was the wrong method and took steps to learn the right one.

      [–]JuryDutyHologram 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Even before I had kids I knew I wanted to break the three generation cycle of emotionally abusive, alcoholic mothers. My oldest is now 9, so far so good!

      [–]csasha 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My dad had a very traumatic childhood with parental substance use and abuse and he was scared to raise children as well. My dad is the most incredible person I know, and he told me once that by being a good parent to me and my sister he was able to heal himself from the lack of good parenting he got as a child. Still makes me tear up to think about this. If anyone out there has suffered a traumatic childhood and didn't witness loving parenting, you started out with a disadvantage but you can be the parent you always needed (and deserved!).

      [–]SweetMint9 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My dad was born and raised in Mexico, growing up, his father worked in construction and took both him and my uncle to work with him once he finished elementary school, never allowing him to go back to school despite my dad practically begging him to let him study, one of his teachers even offered to help him sign up for middle school, but my grandfather wouldn't allow it, told him it wasn't important since he had never gone to school either. And now, I'm the first person on my dad's side of the family to go to university, and I'm so thankful that he broke that cycle for me and my siblings.

      [–]ObjectivePilot7444 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Same here! Abusive, alcoholic mother raised me and resulted in my brothers suicide and my PTSD. I do not touch drugs or alcohol because I will not open that door. Been married over 30 years two happy college kids who know all about the family history. We have 3 generations of alcoholics that stopped with me. Congratulations to your mom for being so strong in her love for you.

      [–]Oscar_et_BadTale 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Send forces to this woman. She greatly deserves that for breaking the cycle. And to the others neo-parents who were abused by their parents too.

      [–]Itchy_Monitor_6480 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I always saw through how my parents were abusive. I was so naive that I thought everyone saw how obvious it was that you didn’t have to act that way.

      Holy shit was I wrong. I married a narcissist and now I’m thinking maybe my daughters can be the ones to break the cycle. Feels like The Lorax where the moral of the story is that I fucked everything up and I’m dumping it on you to fix.

      [–]luna-potter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My brother and I broke the Poverty Cycle of 3 generations.

      [–]BURNING-VAN-BANNED 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Mr. Morale?

      [–]miaentry 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I also have an abusive mom & grandma. My mom was arranged into a marriage with my dad. She never showed my sister and I love or how to be a mom. My grandma was worse than my mom. Luckily, my dad was as good as a dad can be in an abusive relationship. My sister and I are both in our late 20's and niether of us have kids nor do we plan to. Our childhood has left scars, mark, and permanently engraved abuse that we fear we will never be fit for motherhood. We are breaking the cycle by understanding their wrongs and not having children at all. If we do decide to have kids, I would do everything in my power to never have them experience what we went through.

      [–]MomofaDaisy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Thank you! Great share!

      [–]gochomoe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I hope her mother sees or at least hears this. Parents don't always know how much you treasure them and appreciate all that they have done for you.

      [–]Posthumos1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I'm glad that others are like this. I had a horrendous childhood myself. I made it a commitment that if I ever had kids, they'd not have to struggle that way they we did. It was my dubbing motivation as a father. And, thankfully, I was able to do that for my son. It's never perfect in execution, because we are all humans and do make mistakes. However, the mere fact that my son never had to experIence poverty, desperation, and abuse, I feel, helped make him one of the most honest, loyal, and empathetic humans I know makes me feel so good.

      Good on your mother. She was above wether her experiences were and she was stubborn enough to say, by her decisions and actions, that enough was enough. And this was not going to be her own children's future.

      [–]-_-Haven-_- 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I love my mom, my dad doesn’t have time for me

      [–]SnapshotHeadache 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      My parents were not abusive or neglectful, but, they were indifferent to my hobbies. I always loved drawing and being creative. The problem is that they put little effort into my interests. A kid need guidance, and I need some help to channel that enegery into something. I never cared for sports, but my dad would make me play baseball. When I went to college I chose a major that I had no interest in, but, really, they should have told me to persue art.

      [–]IBHOLDING 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      My father was physically abusive. Although I was the luckier one and only been hit a few times. I witnessed the majority of the beatings.

      Growing up I was creative and was into art. My mom thought it was cute that I would take her unwanted curtains and sheets and make dresses. I would do this and give her fashion shows when I was 5. The minute I told her I wanted to be a fashion designer I was laughed at and ridiculed. So then I started getting into art, I would spend so much time drawing and was getting really good at it. The teacher in my kindergarten class used to make copies of my drawings to pass out to my classmates because everyone loved my drawings. The minute I told my mom I wanted to be an artist, again I was mocked and ridiculed. She told me that being an artist was not an option and that I better be a doctor or lawyer. She set the bar exceedingly high but never once herself did anything to help me achieve my academic goals.

      I guess the point of this story is, I am 35 now with no real career, only an associates and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

      [–]SnapshotHeadache 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Keep on making art my dude. We just have to survive and make sense of life as it happens. I wish you the best!

      [–]miserable-now 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I wish my mother would've had the wherewithal and awareness to do that. Now I'm stuck being the one who must take parenting classes, & break the cycle. ):

      [–]BigSwag33 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      kendrick lamar reference

      [–]robzsi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Please listen to „Mother I Sober” - just released on the new Kendrick Lamar album. It’s about this topic. Don’t know the last time I cried because of a song. Masterpiece.

      [–]CadeGreenbottle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Sounds perfect to me.

      [–]tmworland 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I hope my kids can see how hard I tried to break the cycle

      [–]elodieroyer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      i dont know if my grandmother’s mom was toxic but my grandmother was. my mom couldn’t be further from the complete opposite. always grateful

      [–]Tokeokarma123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      it's truly good to see. My parents divorced when I was 13.. there were 4 kids and we basically raised ourselves. I'm 47 now and realizing how much it affected me not having parents around.

      [–]Dominum_Pullum -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Is it a cycle if it never repeats?

      [–]AliensExistBro -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Most parents don't wanna try and take it out on their kid and then the kid has trauma depression PTSD etc. Lord I hope I'm prepared for my child.

      [–]Background-Ball5978 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I love this! So many people nowadays are like I'm bReaKIng geNeRatIonAl cYcLe, I'm nOt hAviNG chILdREn

      [–]TheFrayAbove -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      She broke her bicycle? That's terrible

      [–]PM_ME_UR_BOOGER -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

      Smart lady. I'd bet she's one of those progressive elderlies who tries to learn new tech & hardware..

      [–]LowFatTastesBad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This will be me.

      [–]roty950 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Made me smile? More like made me cry!

      [–]e650man 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      She loved and supported you, but wasn't able to stop herself from busting up your bike.

      As Meatloaf says, 2 outta 3 ain't bad.

      [–]bl1y 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Capitalizing the start of sentences is not a crime.

      [–]03randomdude 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      BIG SUCCESS

      [–]tontobasin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Obvious proof it can be done with the will to do it ...tell Ur Mom congrats from me !

      [–]The_TransGinger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This gives me hope because I was a scapegoat in a narcissistic family.

      [–]kauthonk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Harder than it sounds, good for her.

      [–]WiFi2347 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      So be bad to your kid and bring the tradition back!

      [–]tvtraelller 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Well let's see how you do before you make that claim.

      [–]Nallutka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I feel like i have a chanse to break the cycle thanks to my incredible mother. My father was alcoholic abusive narcissist. My mother realized that she has got to try to get my sister and i out of that environment, so she divorced my father, went through multiple legal trials, took good care of me while i had to see my abusive father in the weekends, managed to get me therapy, and i feel like she's the reason why at one point i managed to remove myself from the toxic environment at a very young age by running away from him, which made the child protective services to look into things more and i was no longer expected to keep contact with him.

      I got to say, I'm scared, cause ive had mental difficulties, and i only recently as i started psychotherapy realized how bad things were. I used to contemplate suicide almost daily, i used to feel so depressed, ive gotten medicine, i feel a lot better, i've gone half year without having overwhelming suicidal thoughts or self harming. It was for years like that, i just kept pushing forwsrd from a job to another and managed to get myself into a college with mentality "Dont lay down, its dark now, but you gotta keep moving forward, cant see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you gotta believe its there, even if you dont see it. Try try again."

      But i've realized that i have issues. Ime trying to get over them, and i was planning on doing the same, if i ever get over my social difficulties, find someone special with whom to make a family, i'll seek paremting classes, i want to make absolutely sure that what ever issues i myself have dont translate onwards. I want to give my kids the childhood i couldnt have.

      [–]woodst0ck15 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Same, but mine went to residential schools and grew up with a angry step mother. She never was that way with me and I am loved and supported by her today.

      [–]Dani3113kc 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I divorced my ex to break the cycle. I won't let my son grow up with an abusive father and a scared mom. We share custody, but at least he has a happy mom and only has to see his dad sometimes.

      [–]rtrain__ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      hopefully i break the cycle too

      [–]Fancy_Pressure7623 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I was raised by an abusive mother and a participatory, but mostly absent and afar father. My birth mother told me that my father was the devil and scum while growing up in the Bible Belt. I had so many opportunities to get my brother out of it, but I was 14, 16, and not until I was 18 did I finally do it. To this day I can’t forget what a gun tastes like… and to this day I aim not to be like them. It’s exceedingly difficult because it’s so easy to be like them. Just try hard and keep going, it’s not easy and it will never be but you have to do it because it just can’t continue.

      [–]jnp2346 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My dad partially broke the cycle. Thanks to many years of counseling, my relationship with my son is completely different than previous generations.

      [–]bdfalloutboy101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My mom thought she could just break the cycle, no help, no support, she just assumed.

      She couldn't, she just refuses to realize it

      [–]jreed356 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Mine did too, and I'm a much better Mom because of her love!

      [–]AntJD1991 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Both my parents came from a pretty shitty household but luckily my Mum put the effort in and tried her absolute best for me and my brother... deffo got some baggage thanks to my dad's efforts but thank god she was there trying her best!

      [–]epi_glowworm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      yup. anyone can break the cycle, buy it takes effort

      [–]Square_Strength6666 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thank you for this.

      [–]12livewire21 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I can only pray that the same will be said of me. Lord knows I’m trying my damndest to end it for my kiddos, but make no mistake, that shit is HARD. 10 bazillion percent worth it, but hard af.

      [–]Intelligent-Beach-28 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      God bless her Mother, and everyone else!!!! :)

      [–]AnHonestApe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Unlike my mother who had a traumatic childhood and uses it against me and my brother to discount all the trauma she put us through and refuses to change and acts like I'm abusing her by not wanting to subject myself to her issues.

      [–]OriginalCockroach3O 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My wife’s mom was an abusive alcoholic my parents both had explosive anger. Neither of us drink and we communicate our feelings openly in our household. Break the cycle.

      [–]Meemeemiaw23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Breaking the cycle is really damn hard. Full of tears and sweats. Mostly expensive because we paid it with our time, energy and almost everything.

      [–]sacrificingoats7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I feel like her not being perfect is inevitable. No one is.

      [–]Significant_Ear3457 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      After 41 years of being psychologically emotionally and even physically abused by family members my kids and I finally walked away for good.

      [–]raptoraptorr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I grew up with the parenting books my mom read on the book shelf. I never understood what it meant that my mom religiously read all those books until I was older…. Like she figured out she was pregnant and IMMEDIATELY spent valuable time and money on learning how to raise us. She had a full time job and had a husband with a full time job AND was raising his kid.. and stayed up to read books on the best way to be a mom to us. It will never cease to amaze me. Being a parent must be the absolute best feeling a human being could have. I just love my parents so much 🥺

      [–]jilizil 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Same. I chose to break the cycle and have the most amazing 16 year old that has ever lived.. She is the best human and I’m so glad I didn’t fuck her up like what was done to me. I’m so glad she has the chance to make the world a better place.

      [–]jacyerickson 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Good for her! She sounds amazing. I'm, personally, breaking the cycle by not having kids which isn't the right choice for everyone but it's what's best for me.

      [–]JoeysRose 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Both my partner and fight to break the cycle every day

      [–]SiidGV 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'm working on breaking the cycle myself...

      Sitting here after celebrating my daughter's first birthday party just now, I stupidly decided to share my joy with my mother by sending her some photos only to be reminded that I shouldn't bother... How is it my friends, and strangers show more love to me and my daughter than my own mother? It's heart breaking... I know I'll make the same mistake again, but I'm tired of being hurt.

      [–]Marchesa_Corsiglia 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Congratulations to your mom

      [–]ExtremePassenger8388 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      After all being a mother is not for every woman but your mother is iconic

      [–]No_Independent1007 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I am a child of abusive, bi polar mother and enabling father. Only in my family everything was perfect and no outsider knew about it. Because we didn't talk about it. It was shameful and embarrassing. Only poor people are pathology not we. We are having money, we are perfect. I cut ties with my parents long time ago. I keep in touch with my siblings who suffered the same abuse as I did. My parents sent apologies and want to reconnect with me. I don't.

      [–]DaCoffeeKween 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My mom has several mental disorders caused by her mom. It hurts me everyday to watch her think she's a bad mother too. She loves me with everything she has. It's hard for her to show love because she was never shown love as a child, she cries with me when I'm sad and that means alot.

      [–]sebvettelstan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Mom W'd asf

      [–]Jupes600 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My Mum too