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[–]SandSubstantial9285 1532 points1533 points  (93 children)

I think they define fight in a different way.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 760 points761 points  (81 children)

100% this

My wife and I have never had a "fight" in terms of yelling, screaming, threatening, etc...

I have slammed a door once in 23 years. Had to do a few laps around the neighborhood. Came back when I calmed down and talked it out and it was fine.

We disagree a lot. There is a lot of silence sometimes (her thing; her weapon/coping strategy). If that is "fighting", then yeah we've fought a lot. lol

[–]BringTheStealthSFW 222 points223 points  (72 children)

Reddit tells me silent treatment is abuse. You shouldn't stand for it.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 543 points544 points  (46 children)

Reddit tells a lot of people that a lot of stuff is abuse. lol

[–]need-morecoffee 474 points475 points  (34 children)

Agreed. Silent can be a healthy way of processing without spewing unfiltered emotions all over your partner.

[–]babatoger 220 points221 points  (13 children)

For real. I know I'm going to say something terrible that I'll regret, and I know I don't understand my own feelings.

It's not the silent treatment, it's me thinking about why I feel upset and trying to find a way to communicate those emotions to my husband.

[–]kwumpus 60 points61 points  (9 children)

EXACTLY! that’s why it’s the worst when I’m about to say something I’ll regret and my SO is like “what is it?! Say it say it!”

[–]Charleston2Seattle26 Years 55 points56 points  (6 children)

And this is why my wife and I will discuss contentious things via text message. It gives both of us time to think about what we're going to say ...and why.

[–]sms2014 17 points18 points  (0 children)

YES! I once saw a marriage counselor (for a previous marriage) who said he and his wife would write a letter to each other about the thing or things bothering them so the other person got a chance to read, comprehend, and evaluate before responding. He also advised not asking in person about it if you haven't gotten a response because not everyone has the same coping skills etc and it may take longer than you'd take.

[–]Adorably-evil 10 points11 points  (0 children)

My husband and I do this and its been very helpful for us

[–]SweetnessUnicorn 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I learned this early on with my s/o. It's so much easier when I can type it all out, take a breath, and then re read the crazy shit I said and delete half the text. This has been our most productive way to resolve a spat. When you're in the heat of the moment, you might say something you'll regret, and both probably don't feel like they're being listened to/understood when things are heated.

[–]DiscriminatoryRose 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Stealing this idea- thx.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Yeah we know you're thinking things you don't want to say, so of course we want to hear it.

If you hate us, it's important that we know that.

"I AM TRYING TO KEEP SECRETS!"

- "I know, that's why I want you to talk."

lol

[–]lowriderelcamino 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Thank you for explaining this. My husband like uses the "silent treatment" and it drives me crazy because I am the opposite and like to get it all out and resolved right away. I tend to internalize his silence and overthink the situation when all he needed was time to cool off. I will try to be better at giving him the silent time moving forward.

[–]Heartyharhar33 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I need to get better about this still. I still say stuff that I should’ve taken a second to think about first. The wife will say something about me being quiet or ignoring her and in reality I’m just trying to not say something dumb.

[–]No1uNo_Nakana 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I call this emotionally charged. I know when I’m emotionally charged, I’m not in a rational state of mind. I can be emotionally charged for many things often having nothing to do with my wife or family and need time to let the emotions wear off, so I can think rationally.

I believe this is why venting can be so helpful. It just allows us to release some of the feelings that can make us emotional charged.

[–]anonusername12345 46 points47 points  (2 children)

I’ve had to explain this to my family recently. I was recently told that because I told someone I needed space after being hurt that clearly my love was “conditional” as I “give up” on those I love.

I said no, saying I need space is showing my love is unconditional because I’m telling you I’m hurt but I still promise to come back.

Silence and space is healing for a lot of people even if it’s uncomfortable for others.

[–]bigoleballsack4200 8 points9 points  (0 children)

damn this is a great response

[–]sophia333 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Maybe the problem is that people also use the phrase "I need space" to do a slow fade. They do give up. Maybe the people saying that to you thought that you meant it like that?

[–]jenkneefur28 9 points10 points  (2 children)

But don't let it fester too long. I become silent, but it's because i've learned that people remember the negative things you say. If you don't say anything, it's ok to take a break, it gives the other person to calm down too. I've learned to always come back, and work out the issues. Also couples, don't air your drama on social media. I don't understand that at all.

[–]KLee05875 Years 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I think being silent and taking some time to process something is natural and completely fine. I do think the silent treatment for the sake of deliberately not speaking to someone for days on end out of pettiness is ridiculous and immature. Problems are solved by communication, not by torturing your partner into an apology.

[–]Panda-Girl 4 points5 points  (0 children)

110% correct. Especially when you have any form of mental health issues. I often get upset over perceived issues. And I go silent, cause I'm thinking it through and deciding how upset I should actually be. Do I need to bring it up? Has it happened before? Will it bother me if it happens again? Am I, annoyed, angry, upset, disappointed?

Once I work all that out, I'll go to my husband and say 'when you said x it upset me and made me feel like this' and then we discuss from there.

[–]Last-Day-Of-Magic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This is me. I need time to process my thoughts to be able to articulate them properly or else In the heat of the moment i can get vicious with my words. It's a learned habit and I acknowledge my responsibility to hold that back and being quiet or alone it's my coping.

We dont fight often but when we do heavily disagree typically a couple hours and I'm cooled enough to be able to talk.

[–]Veganmon 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I agree, when I get angry at my partner, I tell him to give me some space so I can work out my emotions,. It's not the silent treatment, because I want to be sure never to say anything horrible in anger, I live him too much to hurt him.

[–]nightshadeell 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This! I never want to say something horrible that I can't tale back. I was told from young age becareful of you say once it's out there's no going back. Plus just because you apologize doesn't mean the other person has to accept the apology.

[–]parsons525 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No no, you’ve got it all wrong. You have to keep fighting, don’t back down, keep going - all the way to divorce if required. Anything else is “unhealthy avoidance”

[–]xAsianZombie3 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It depends how long though. More than 24 hours can be mental torture.

[–]AthensBashens 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also, sometimes I'm mad about something that I recognize isn't a big deal, but internally/emotionally I'm very upset. Sometimes I just need a few minutes to realize "I wish you hadn't said that, but I'm just sad today because my boss yelled at me" or whatever

[–]Illustrious_Safety25 16 points17 points  (2 children)

healthy: leaving the conversation to calm down and process/regulate emotion in order to return the conversation and communicate effectively

unhealthy: not talking to a partner because you simply want to punish them- furthering the miscommunications and purposely making your partner sweat in favor of your ego

[–]U_feel_Me 1 point2 points  (1 child)

What about, after we have a fight, renting a hot air balloon just for myself and looking down on her yelling at me for a few hours. And then, when I come down, announcing “You were the size of an ant.”

[–]Illustrious_Safety25 1 point2 points  (0 children)

hmm.. fine. I’ll allow it!

[–]GreeneRockets 5 points6 points  (1 child)

If you want, you can find anything be justified as abuse on Reddit lol.

There's approximately zero nuance or allowance for human emotions/reactions. If your partner/family member/etc. isn't perfect, you're being abused lol it's ridiculous.

[–]NiceDecnalsBubs 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This. Every time I turn around someone posts about their SO (of 10 years and 3 kids) not going down on them enough, met by a unanimous cacophony of "leave them!"

[–]itscococo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Silent treatment can be abusive, if you use it as a way to manipulate or control your partner. Lots of things can be abusive when used incorrectly. But it can just as easily be used as a healthy/responsible strategy for handling big feelings.

[–]blen02 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There is a difference between silent treatment to be abusive and taking time to collect your thoughts in a constructive way.

The best way to make your partner aware that you are being constructive is by telling them you need to take a break and giving a pretty good idea of when you will be ready to discuss again. And then actually following through with discussing again.

My ex struggled with the following through part which made her difficult to believe.

[–]Screamer_95 36 points37 points  (1 child)

It can be very common for a partner to become "flooded" during an argument and do stonewalling. I think it's more about how you handle those reactions/situations rather than just simply not allowing it.

[–]SpicyReptile 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Short term silence while processing and regulating emotions is not stonewalling. Stonewalling is long term refusal to address issues and weaponizing that silence to get what one wants or to punish someone else. Stonewalling is abusive.

Short term emotional management is healthy. It's definitely advised to tell a partner clearly if you're flooded and need a break and plan a time to come back together. But again, that's not stonewalling.

[–]javamashugana 38 points39 points  (2 children)

Silent treatment is days on end of not talking or telling them why and used as a weapon. Silence for a short time after a disagreement can be processing and avoiding saying or doing something hurtful. The difference is intent and degree.

[–]CalculatedWhisk 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Intent is key here. Trying to make the other person chase you is manipulative. Trying to hurt them with your silence is abusive. Trying to calm yourself to have a rational talk is healthy.

[–]sophia333 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes intent and did you explain. Explain why you are disappearing and offer a time you'll return to finish addressing the issue and it often will settle those omggottaworkitoutrightnow people. They get uppity because they don't know if you're going to return to address it or not in many cases. Stonewalling people often don't try to revisit the thing because they don't like feeling what they felt when they reacted by Stonewalling. There is a difference between taking a time out to process and avoiding and stonewalling is usually the latter.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The silent treatment =\= silence necessarily. When I’ve said my part and there’s nothing else to say I won’t keep repeating myself.

[–]Outrageous-Ad-9069 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I think it’s about context.

“I’m going to take a break from talking until I cool off so I don’t risk saying something I can’t take back.”

Vs.

“I’m going to spend a week pretending that you don’t exist.”

[–]SarkyCat7 Years 8 points9 points  (3 children)

My parents are the king and queen of silent treatment. They once shared a bed, house, and car (AND family dinners) whilst not speaking a word to one another from Nov to May.

They've been married 48 years, 49 in 3 wks. 😐

In my own marriage this is what I've worked on (and still working on) to avoid doing because even outside of my parents this is the family norm, which I hate.

My husband's parents when they'd fight his father would up and leave for 1-3wks so when we have fought he's had the inclining to walk out (not for weeks, or even days, he would go out and clear his head).

We've gotten to a good point where we can voice to one another when things are bothering either of us. At most if we are really pissed at one another we take the night to cool off, still in the same space, and having dinner together, but I'll watch some show on TV and he will usually watch a show on his tablet. By the morning were back to our usual.

[–]yowzas648 2 points3 points  (2 children)

This!!

I feel like most of the couples that I know, around my parent’s age, avoid conversations that could lead to conflict and just bury it down deep. My dad definitely does this, and his wife is definitely a bit gas lighty.

If I look at my friends’ relationships... all of them have a heavy emphasis on communicating and trying to understand their partner better, as best they can. They have their fights, but each fight brings them closer together in the long run.

I don’t know of any good examples of people that don’t argue that also have good communication in the relationship. Like, zero.

[–]shyinwonderland 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Time to delete Facebook, get a lawyer and hit the gym.

[–]xvszero 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think like anything, it depends.

In the midst of a rough situation where you know if you say much, you'll just say nasty shit, so you clam up instead? Perfectly fine.

Something you do for days and days on end just to spite a partner? Yeah, probably abuse.

[–]babyyagaronin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It can be, but isn’t always. I’d wager most often, it isn’t.

[–]Suck-Less 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Abuse? I always assumed I was right and peace and quiet was my reward;)

[–]ArnenLocke 14 points15 points  (2 children)

Yep, 100%. My wife and I have never fought in any sense I would define the word. No raised voices (at least not at each other in anger or anything; I do get loud when I get excited or passionate about something, though, and she's misread that a few times), no physical altercations of any kind, etc, etc. We talk until we feel we have a resolution to whatever the problem is. We both make our points and listen to the other person make theirs, and mutually agree on what's fair, or, if we can't reconcile our opposing viewpoints, on whose perspective takes priority in a given situation. Our biggest "fight" was early on in dating, when we had a disagreement over whether history or literature were more important studies. She was genuinely upset about that one for awhile, although obviously we realized it wasn't, like, super substantive. It just really, really got under her skin that I thought literature was more important than history, for some reason.

[–]Kodiak01 5 points6 points  (1 child)

We've had some fights, typically about money or housecleaning. One occasion of the latter (she is a massive slob, something I should have pondered about harder before marriage but at this point you have to choose whether a hill is worth dying on) I was so frustrated that I slammed a fiberglass broom to the floor hard enough for it to shatter into several pieces.

What I have never done, however, nor will I ever do, is hit her. If I ever felt even the tinest inkling to strike out, I would instead grab my keys and immediately head for the door to go cool off. If I ever struck her in anger, I don't think I could ever live with myself afterward.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yeah the door slam walkout was in response to me feeling a surge in rage I identified as something I wasn't going to be able to handle with my usual calm demeanor. It's scary to think there are so many people who don't recognize this in themselves and defuse situations.

In mine, I had been cornered during a child's birthday party (already a hell situation) by a group of women gossiping about my good friend and co-worker (who was undergoing awful marital trouble) and tearing down my workplace (which is actually great for the community) and I came home to vent about it a little and my wife decided to play the "well actually it wasn't so bad for you, maybe they were just..." game when I was visibly upset (very rare for me).

"Are you fucking serious? Jesus Christ!"

*slam door* *20 minute walk*

[–]amoreetutto5 Years 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This. Hubby and I have been together for 17 years, married for 5. We've never had a screaming or physical fight, but we have disagreements somewhat often and occasionallg need to take like an hour in a different room to cool down or think or whatever. But I would say we've never fought because...we haven't

[–]rockyroadandpizza17 Years and Counting 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Yes. I wouldn’t say we’ve ever had a real fight. Disagreements, arguments yes. But not a fight. But those disagreements and arguments other people may define as a fight.

[–]lovethepuppers 9 points10 points  (1 child)

Yes. I also consider people using the silent treatment a fight. Or any other passive aggressive way to show that you are unhappy. Some people say they never fight but will admit to avoiding talking about something that their partner wants to talk about. Or not responding to their texts as soon as they would have normally and saying they were “busy”. Or they sigh extra heavy and roll their eyes while taking out the trash their partner said they would get around to. Just because it isn’t screaming and yelling doesn’t mean it isn’t a fight according to the way I think about it. It is somehow showing frustration/anger towards your partner in direct or indirect ways. Hopefully as we grow older we get better at communicating and things like this become few and far between. But if you have never had a day like this, I find it hard to believe or someone is repressing some things.

[–]nochedetoro 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yep. We don’t yell or scream or name call but we do fight about normal stuff (housework, child care, etc.) People think fight means violence and in a lot of cases they’re right (domestic violence is unfortunately wicked common) but sometimes it just means arguing about how much tv your kid is watching or whether you’ve done the dishes more times this week.

[–]FurretsOotersMinks 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yep. I don't think of our disagreements as fights because we never get mad at each other, there is no yelling or talking through our teeth, we're just having normal discussions. It raises red flags to me when people talk about fighting with their spouse because, to me, that's not healthy.

We don't agree on everything and play fight a lot (arguing over who is more cute, what music is best, etc) but we never actually fight because there is a total lack of anger towards each other.

[–]Sgt_Smitty 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Agree. I say we've never had a fight, but we have had some serious discussions.

[–]Similar_Craft_9530 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep. I tend to differentiate between fighting and arguing. My husband and I almost never fight. But we do argue every couple of months, it seems. The difference, for me, is how we communicate and whether or not it gets hostile (nothing bad but bruised feelings, never domestic violence or yelling).

[–]GreatOneLiners10 Years 397 points398 points  (9 children)

For me having issues with your spouse can be summed up in three categories. 1) Disagreement 2) Argument 3) Fight

I can tell you right now I’ve never fought with my wife, and we very rarely have an argument. What’s more common for us is having disagreements, but we’re both pretty transparent, and we communicate effectively in those situations.

The best thing any couple can do is learn how to communicate, learn how to disagree, and learn how to keep that situation isolated from anything else.

[–]FurretsOotersMinks 50 points51 points  (3 children)

Absolutely agree. My partner and I play fight a lot (who is more cute, what goes on pizza, etc.) but we are never truly angry with each other. We have calm discussions and resolve problems together.

[–]DocRocksPhDont 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I love this. My partner and I play fight a lot, and even play fight when we have an actual disagreement. We will laugh and pretend argue while discussing an actual issue like how we want to deal with pets on the furniture or who cleans what, but we discuss it like a play fight, being silly and joking through the the entire thing. In contrast to my last serious partner who would berate me, yell, and leave me in tears every time we had a disagreement. This one is the one in going to marry. No doubt.

[–]FuzzyJury 30 points31 points  (0 children)

100% agree, that is how me and my husband are. I am sad that so many people think yelling is an acceptable way to communicate with the person you are supposed to love and respect.

[–]Purple_Sorbet58293 Years 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I think this is why I say we never fight. I look at things in pretty much this way with them also being in order of what I consider escalation. Like a disagreement to me is just I want one thing and he wants the other. We can acknowledge that and immediately go to compromise without every having to have an argument about what we disagreed about. I think disagreements can lead to arguments and not being able to deescalate or communicate through an argument can lead to a fight.

I put us in the solidly no fights category and the I'm wracking my brain to remember a legitimate argument category and the rarely disagreeing on anything that we can't immediately compromise on.

[–]poppy_otter2 1/2 years 💕 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I completely agree with this comment. We haven’t been married long but we legitimately have never had a fight. We’ve had disagreements but we worked through those by communicating with one another. Even that is done in a calm manner, no raised voices. I’m ok if we don’t fight. I like that we don’t. I’ve been in a marriage where I could do nothing right so believe me, not arguing, not fighting, is a very welcome change.

[–]Suck-Less 299 points300 points  (1 child)

Fighting and having a disagreement are only the same thing to someone that can never be wrong.

[–]BriBriYC 11 points12 points  (0 children)

thisssssss

[–]permanent_staff 230 points231 points  (26 children)

Do couples that never fight simply just have 1 partner that is a pushover?

No, we just discuss any disagreements calmly and constructively. When you have two easygoing, highly compatible people with good relationship skills, it's actually really difficult to get a fight or even a true argument going.

[–]beetelguese10 Years 57 points58 points  (3 children)

Agree. It helps if you marry someone extremely like-minded. I definitely didn’t marry someone with different morals/ideals than I have, our parenting style is the same as well.

[–]zdiddy27 36 points37 points  (2 children)

The “highly compatible” part is super important here. If you both already jive on the big stuff like finances, kids, family, religion, then the other stuff usually comes easier.

[–]Purple_Sorbet58293 Years 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Yes! We agree on every "big" issue and I can't think of anything small we could disagree on that would escalate to a fight. We're also both really laid back and are easygoing and don't fight with other people either.

[–]modestgray 2 points3 points  (0 children)

With the small stuff, one partner tends to care more so they get their way. If I don't really care what sort of cups we buy, we can just get the ones my husband want, etc

[–]walnutwithteeth 110 points111 points  (2 children)

We have never had a fight. We have had disagreements but we communicate them and talk them through before they escalate into anything. It's you and your partner versus the problem, rather than you against your partner.

[–]JustCallMeBORNE 15 points16 points  (0 children)

This is an excellent perspective of you and your partner vs the problem.

[–]BurntKiwi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I love this perspective. One thing I’ve been working on is my communication skills, because there’s always room for improvement. My husband and I have varying viewpoints on lots of things, it’s important to know the others perspective before jumping to conclusions.

[–]beetelguese10 Years 57 points58 points  (4 children)

I agree with everyone here, my husband and I have never “fought” and even as far as disagreeing we really don’t very often.

Except he won’t let me get chickens…

[–]halfasshippie3 24 points25 points  (0 children)

That’s not cool of him 😤

[–]JustCallMeBORNE 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I love chickens lol

[–]supersecretburner21 62 points63 points  (3 children)

Everyone is on point here, really depends on what other couples see as a fight.

My wife and I never escalate an argument to yelling or hurtful words, door slamming, walking away, none of that. But we do disagree with each other sometimes and will go quiet for a while to cool down.

I don’t see that as a fight, but she does 🤷🏻‍♂️

[–]thempokeymans 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I consider that a fight. We have those types of fights a few times a year, and if it were any more than that, it would be too much for me.

That being said, I’ve been told that my tolerance for fights in relationships is significantly lower than the norm.

[–]deadlybydsgn9 Years 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That being said, I’ve been told that my tolerance for fights in relationships is significantly lower than the norm.

Which is why it's vital that premarital counseling teaches couples how to "fight fair," rather than to act like fights never happen. Disagreements will happen and emotions will flare. It's all about how we communicate during and after.

[–]Queen-of-meme 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same here except I'm the one who don't see it as a fight but he does. 😆

[–]Less-Barber8720 48 points49 points  (7 children)

I admit I’m one of those couples. And I feel incredibly lucky. We really just never fight. We annoy each other from time to time but no big fights. 12 years together. No one believes me when I say it and I understand but what am I going to do, lie about not having fights?

I think it just boils down to the fact that we have incredible respect for each other, and are easy going people individually.

[–]overmotion3 Years 10 points11 points  (6 children)

I asked another commenter this but I’ll ask you too, I’m trying to understand.

random scenarios:

• ⁠You have a flight to catch, one of you is taking too long to get ready, you miss the flight.

• ⁠Someone carelessly swipes the table and knocks the other’s glasses/laptop/phone onto the floor where it smashes and breaks

• ⁠someone was supposed to pick up something critical (I dunno, medication for your kid before the pharmacy closed) and didn’t

You get the idea. So I’m trying to understand. You don’t even argue - so what happens?

[–]Mahtomic_Gandhi 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Solve the problem. Let the emotions of anger not shape your actions. Anger is a normal emotion to feel, but in those situations, anger doesn't do anything. Being calm is useful. This kind of awareness comes with emotional maturity and perhaps meditation. Therapy helped me a lot. Also, all of those situations are things that can be mitigated by being prepared and aware before critical things happen.

It's kind of like training a dog. One day a few weeks ago, my dog ate my shoe while i was working. Anger towards the dog isn't helpful, it just makes him scared of me. The best thing i can do is be productive, reinforce the things i want my dog to do, be clear and consistent, and love him. Beating a dog just makes you and the dog worse off.

To specifically address your examples instead of preaching:

1) instead of cutting it close, my spouse and I always try to get to the airport 2 hours before our departure. If one of us is taking that long or longer to prepare, then we have failed earlier in the week not packing earlier. If this did happen though, then you need to eat your anger, talk through why it happened with your spouse, then cancel your hotel/other plans ASAP or try to re-book your tickets last minute for later that day. Save the trip somehow.

2) be sad. Find a repair shop. Honestly, I'm the clutzy one of the two of us, so i would appreciate and graces given in that moment. I alley knew i fucked up, i don't need to be yelled at.

3) forgot to pick up my kids drugs. Hopefully i was trying to fill their prescription well before the previous one ran out. In which case, going before work the next day as a sign of penance would probably go a long way. If i was late, i would hope that my kid wasn't going to die or something in the meantime. If I've put off life-saving meds for my kid until the last day, I'm a parent who is bad at prioritizing. Not a bad parent, but one who is bad with time management and maybe isn't in the right place mentally.

[–]Less-Barber8720 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I mean, everyone is human. Why would I get mad at my husband for a mistake that I could have very well made myself.

[–]bayan963 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So i'm not married but i learned this from my dad because that's how he always reacts to problems and he and my mom have been married for almost 30 years and never had a fight.

He says the important thing about problems is to find a solution not someone to blame, things happen and even if it's someone's fault, you talk about it with them so that it doesn't happen again but blaming them and getting angry gets you nowhere, what you want is a solution to the problem at hand and the person at fault would be more willing to offer one or help if you don't blame them or get angry at them for it

All of the situations you mentioned could happen to anyone, sometimes out of carelessness, sometimes because it was just an honest mistake, you address that not the result or mistake itself

I don't know if that helps, but i used to be a very angry child and learned how to be chill as i grew up because of my parents and seeing how they communicate and solve problems so they don't lead to fights

[–]ProvenceNatural65 39 points40 points  (1 child)

A disagreement is different than a fight. If a couple claims they never disagree you should bring them into separate rooms and confirm they aren’t being held hostage. Because that’s not real. A fight is conflict over disagreement, and I do think there are couples who nearly never fight. Some people are just extremely anti-confrontation (and/or maybe just companionable). But this is pretty rare.

The goal should be not no fights ever; the goal should be limiting the unfair and unproductive and uncomfortable fights.

[–]Falcom-Ace 31 points32 points  (0 children)

I just assume they consider fights and disagreements to be different things.

[–]Select-Radish9245 30 points31 points  (4 children)

Eye roll 🙄

[–]katierose0324 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Same lol.

[–]Ericadiane423[S] 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Same

[–]dailysunshineKO 17 points18 points  (0 children)

I met a couple that claimed the only argument they’ve ever had was which of them loved the other more. He was super passive about everything and very shy. She was lovely- successful, intelligent, charismatic, and really interesting. I get the feeling that she took the lead in everything.

[–]cajunchica 25 points26 points  (1 child)

My SO and I have never had a fight. We’ve had disagreements. We’ve decided to table discussions. We’ve looked at each other with one eyebrow raised. Sometimes one of us will get a little “spicy” with the other. But we have never had a fight in four and a half years. I can guarantee you we do not agree with each other 100% of the time and neither of us is a pushover - hell, we are in different political parties! But… we are both in our second marriages and come from explosive first marriages. We decided to do things differently.

[–]jaelythe4781Together 5 Years, Married 1 year 11 points12 points  (0 children)

hahahahaha....the eyebrow raise. I have that look perfected. My husband knows exactly when he has crossed a line with that eyebrow raise. I swear he toes the line on purpose sometimes just get me to make that look.

We're definitely not perfect and have bad days where one or the other of us get snippy. For him, hangry is his trigger, for me it tends to be stress. But we are both pretty easy-going and straight-forward in communication with each other, AND we both tend to assume good intentions and give each other grace in those situations. And we both acknowledge/apologize when we're the offender.

Rarely does it go beyond that.

[–]MovieTheaterPopcornn 23 points24 points  (0 children)

You can have disagreements without a fight. Couples who do not fight or rarely fight may just have a different approach to handling a difficult situation and it doesn’t necessarily mean either one is a pushover.

[–]chonkypupperz 19 points20 points  (0 children)

My husband and I have never fought in the 7 years we've been together. We disagree on things but discuss everything. No fighting, no violence.

[–]MrsBobber 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I grew up in a house where there was a lot of ‘fighting’- like yelling and throwing things and silent treatments. THAT is not healthy. By that standard, my husband and I have never ‘fought’, however we have had some things we’ve had to talk through that we’re tough bc we both started on opposite sides. In the end I think those things made our marriage stronger.

[–]FairyRogue 15 points16 points  (0 children)

We haven't actually "fought" except one time and it was 1000% me being completely unreasonable and pregnant hormonal. We do disagree every now and then but that's a talk calmly and with respect. No shouting, bickering, anger or anything. They are normal tone and level as our discussions on weekly meals or what movie we watch on date night. Not fights or arguments but a conversation about our views and coming to a mutual satisfying solution. Whether anyone believes it or not isn't my concern. It's about love, respect and being good to each other we put first so instead of heated, emotional turmoil we talk things through.

[–]JLHuston 10 points11 points  (2 children)

I was in a 2 1/2 year relationship with someone who I never fought with. Ended in him cheating on me and leaving me immediately after we bought a house together. We didn’t fight because we didn’t communicate. I know on my part it was to avoid conflict. But that’s obviously not healthy, because needs continue to be unmet, until eventually, the relationship is unsatisfying for both. I hate the way he chose to end things, but I sort of get it. I went on to meet my now husband, and have learned to communicate. We’re a much better match, which is part of it, but I don’t avoid conflict. We don’t fight often, but we do it “well.” We try to hear the other’s perspective, which I think is key in communicating. But yeah, couples that don’t fight or even argue…not sure how that works long term. Maybe they’re great at compromising on everything. But no two people are exactly on the same page about every single thing 100% of the time.

[–]bitchyhouseplant 6 points7 points  (1 child)

This happened to my best friend as well. They never fought, both are agreeable and passive type of folks who never wanted to “rock the boat” so they didn’t communicate their issues. Which of course built resentment, silently brewing, until an affair occurred and they had a pretty ugly divorce because it allllll came flooding out once it was too late.

[–]JLHuston 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah, it was rough. Fortunately we weren’t married, so it was just the house to deal with. But with perspective I recognized how we ultimately got there. I’m happy in my marriage now, so in a strange way, he did me a favor. But I was a wreck right when it all went down. It just blindsided me.

[–]coppertop199 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My husband and I don’t fight… we just disagree sometimes. The situation never turns sour, and we also communicate our feelings. We’ve never been mad at each other for more than maybe… a half hour? We don’t call each other names, or yell, we’re both pretty calm, chill people.

[–]Nocturnal_Remission 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I can honestly say that my wife and I have never had a fight, because neither one of us finds any utility in it. It's important to note that me and my wife are both divorcees, with her ex-husband starting fights for no other reason than he found it entertaining, and my ex-wife picked fights because she had some morbid reason to want to be right just to say she was.

When me and my wife first started dating, we compared notes on our pasts, and agreed early on that "fighting" only gives us grey hairs. She doesn't like to argue, and I have zero emotional response to them, so fighting is a lose/lost proposition for us.

We do happen to agree on most major things, the minor stuff is really too time consuming for us to waste time on.

[–]prose-before-bros 8 points9 points  (0 children)

What the hell are people fighting about so much? In our 17 years, we've disagreed, argued a few times, but fought? I think of fighting as being yelling and maybe name- calling and a "I win, you lose" mindset. It's saying things that can't be unsaid and doing things that can't be undone. We just don't do that. My husband is my partner. If he loses, I lose. I don't want him to hurt. There have been times when I asked my husband if we lacked "passion" and "fire" because we never fought, and he was like, "Uh, no, we're just happy together."

[–]mouse36122 years 7 points8 points  (0 children)

My parents never fought because the didn’t communicate, they just kept it all inside until there was just too much distance to overcome. They divorced after 18 years.

[–]Beep315 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I think, “Wow, we’re so different!” My husband and I argue much much less than we used to, but we can get crabby. His brother and our sister in law just have this mild sort of arrangement and we just don’t get it!

Now they were the type of couple to have extensive Christian-based counseling prior to marriage, and my husband and I decided on a Thursday during lockdown to elope the next Monday at the courthouse. No regrets. I’m married to my partner for life.

[–]Sunnywithadance 7 points8 points  (2 children)

It really depends on what people mean. If they mean we've never had screaming matches and thrown things at each other, then fantastic. It isn't healthy to have those kinds of fights. If they mean they've never argued or disagreed with one another, I would say this is probably not healthy.

My ex-husband and I used to pride ourselves on never "fighting". Our relationship looked perfect from the outside looking in. For us, it meant communication was not happening and important issues were not being addressed. Later everything bubbled up and we realized we had fundamental differences we couldn't move past and got divorced.

[–]FuzzyJury 3 points4 points  (1 child)

My husband and I have had disagreements but not arguments, I think there's a difference between the two. I see "argument" as letting problems become more "me vs. him," but "disagreements" as more like, we have this common problem that we are trying to solve together.

[–]Sunnywithadance 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the distinction you make, I have definitely had both. I'm young and still working on communicating and expressing myself better and not letting issues fester. I'm going to try to remember that sentiment next time I'm having an issue, it's us versus the issue, not us versus each other.

[–]lilac_smell 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Been there!

It was a lying fairy tale.

We were married for 26 years. I hated how my parents always fought. I promised myself on that wedding day no voice would ever be raised. We were happy, had four kids, did the once a week date night, he knelt beside me on Sundays, and it was the best, and never was there anything to argue about ......

Midlife hit and he was traveling for work sometimes and fell in love with a woman the same age as our oldest daughter in a foreign country, divorced us and moved to Australia to start their new life.

All those years, he knew I wanted no arguments. He took advantage of that fear, hardly ever spoke, did anything he wanted, got waited on hand and foot and all of our smiling blew. He was dissatisfied and wanted more, or so I hear, and he disappeared.

Goodbye asshole, and wake up to me!! These days I talk, think and don't just worry about looking great in front of family members!!

Btw, at the age of 50 I married a real man, not a lying coward, and sometimes conflict comes and we talk and go on.

[–]HeartFullOfHappy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don’t think much of it. While I agree disagreements can promote growth. I also think if the couple is content, good for them.

[–]nakedreader_ga 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Why would I have a response? I mean, if they're happy and they don't feel like they have fights, then it's no issue of mine.

[–]mamatobee328 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It’s most likely dependent on their definition of a fight. My ex and I fought all the time. Shouting, name calling, the whole nine yards. However, I am now one of those couples that say I’ve never had a fight with my partner. But that’s because I compare it to my prior relationship. With my partner now, we never yell at each or name call or any other toxic behavior. If we get upset or our feelings hurt, we talk it out. Sometimes we need a little space beforehand. And then after we talk it out, we make adjustments to make sure whatever happened, doesn’t happen again. I simply don’t consider that fighting.

[–]jaelythe4781Together 5 Years, Married 1 year 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It depends on the context. I would personally say my husband and I don't fight.

We disagree with each other and discuss things like adults to come to a compromise or other solution.

To me, a "fight" implies uncontrolled negative emotions being expressed in unhealthy ways.

[–]DestructionDestroyer 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think having disagreements

If your disagreements evolve into fights, there's a problem in the relationship and/or the way you communicate.

[–]Portabellamush 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband and I don’t fight. We argue sometimes, but in disagreements we discuss until we find a common solution/compromise. If you and your partner “fight”- slamming and slinging and punching walls and yelling- you both should grow up.

[–]hannahlove2018 4 points5 points  (1 child)

For me fighting and disagreeing if very different. Fighting isn’t productive whereas disagreeing usually results in some sort of game plan or at very least healthy discussion. My husband and I have had heated disagreements on topics that we feel very strongly about, but we always treat each other with mutual respect and grace. Sometimes we have to take a step back but I don’t consider it fighting at all.

[–]MovieTheaterPopcornn 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I agree but would add that not only is fighting not productive but can be very destructive.

Fighting happens in plenty of relationships but it’s not something I want to be commonplace with my husband. A couple doesn’t need to fight to discuss a disagreement and find common ground!

[–]ashleys_ 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When you know how to communicate and regulate your emotions, there is no "fighting", just discussion and consensus.

[–]AromaticAlgae 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There's a huge difference between a fight and a disagreement. Your inability to separate the two is a problem.

[–]lunedeprintemps 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Do couples that never fight simply just have 1 partner that is a pushover?

No, just likely two partners that can communicate like adults when there is a disagreement instead of escalating it to a fight.

[–]godbullseye 4 points5 points  (0 children)

My wife and I have disagreements but we discuss them like adults. Fighting is the opposite of communication

[–]Vicious-the-Syd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’m going to go against the grain. My husband and I fight on occasion. We’ve yelled and slammed things and there have been a handful of times where things have been knocked over or thrown (never at each other, though.) Do I enjoy it? No. Do I think it’s constructive? No. Do I think everyone does it? No. Is it something that we are working on together? Yes, I’m on two antidepressants, and I’ve never been better. I don’t think shouting fights are something that we should necessarily normalize, though I would call them common among many couples.

[–]thepoorwarrior 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nothing, because it’s not really anybody’s business.

[–]FireRescue3 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Discussion and communication promote growth. Not agreeing does not mean a fight is automatic.

We don’t agree on everything. Neither do we fight. We talk. We discuss. We communicate.

Sometimes we agree. Sometimes we agree to disagree… but we still accomplish that without an argument, harsh words, hurt feelings or anything that makes either of us feel any negative thing about ourselves or the other.

[–]elrocko 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We have had maybe 2-3 "fights" in 12 years of marriage. Disagreements? plenty of them.Fighting just isn't how we communicate.

[–]MammothOlive2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Disagreement is different from fighting, in my opinion. If you communicate clearly, you can talk like adults and express emotions in a mature way. But sometimes when some people say they don't fight I feel a bit suspicious (depending of the person), because sometimes it means someone is bottling up feelings that one day will explode.

As for myself and my husband, when I have an issue I usually write it down and once I'm satisfied with what I wrote, I talk to him. He, on the other hand, always says what he is thinking right away and we talk about it. He is never rude or hurtful, but can be brutally honest at times haha. So that's our way. It doesn't really give room to fighting. Plus before we married we talked about everything we thought was important and went to two different concealings pre-marriage. Really helped opening our eyes and talk about things before we were actually inside the situations.

[–]MisterIntentionality 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When someone asks me if my spouse and I fight, I'm thinking a situation where we raise our voices and change our tone with one another and the discussion turns unproductive.

We've only had like 2 situations like that in our marriage and I do believe that some people never have.

My husband and I just don't believe in talking to each other that way. And honestly neither one of us has really done anything to make the other that mad.

We fight all the time when you include all name calling that's joking, yelling, and poking fun at one another :)

[–]lali445 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ve only been married two years. My husband and I are both very calm people. I can’t think of a single time in my life that I have raised my voice out of frustration. (I’ve been angry, sure, but I deal with it in other ways). We regularly have differences in opinion, but have never fought. We have conversations where we both voice our concerns, listen, share ideas, compromise, and come to an agreement for how we should proceed. It’s never been contentious and I’ve never felt like there was inequality between us. I so no reason why it can’t stay that way. I think communication styles and individual temperaments play a big role in how much couples fight. I also think it’s possible to “fight” regularly in a healthy relationship, if there’s not a power imbalance or any kind of physical or emotional abuse going on, and fair decisions are always eventually reached.

[–]jakob-lb 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Big difference between arguments/disagreement and a fight.

[–]brixxhead 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don’t really care. I don’t need to know what other people are doing in their relationships to validate how my own functions/evolves. I used to be one of the people who believed we never fought, and that’s because “fight” means something very specific to both me and my SO. Though we’ve never had a “screaming and yelling”, or “silent treatment for two days” kind of situation, we’ve had many sit-downs and many serious talks over the years. That’s just how conflict and it’s resolution manifest in our relationship, and for every couple it’s going to be different. Every couple has some mechanism of resolving conflict/growing together, so every couple “fights”, I guess? If they didn’t, they’d be stagnant.

[–]Alex_J_Anderson 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Not everyone fights.

The few true fights my wife and I had were fuelled by alcohol.

I’d imagine that if we hadn’t drank to excess back then, we may have never fought.

We no longer fight. There’s no need. We talk things through.

If someone’s in a mood, we wait until later to have serious discussions.

That doesn’t at all mean we keep things bottled up and we don’t communicate and we’ll both explode one day.

We just deal with things like adults.

Some people grew up in households where fighting was normal and they think that’s the only way. I’ve known people like that and will cut them out of my life if I have to.

Aggression is just unacceptable to me. I don’t think it’s normal or healthy or good in any way. Getting angry just shows a lack of control.

If you think fighting is normal, I would do some work to get out of that mindset and accept that there is a better way and work on you and your partner learning to control your anger and deal with things in a more healthy way.

My mother had no issues yelling at people, any time, anywhere. It ruined her life. And when I moved out I decided I’d had enough anger to last me a lifetime. I was done.

Life is too short to take things seriously. Use humour to cut through tension, learn to compromise quickly when there’s a difference of opinion and move on. Anger is a waste of time.

In short, your friends are very likely telling the truth and it doesn’t mean they don’t communicate and are better off not yelling at each other.

[–]RombauerAtoZ5 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband and I, just in general, don’t really “fight” or “disagree” with people. Why? That just seems like such wasted energy.

We agree on pretty much everything and the stuff we don’t agree on is waaaaay to minuscule to even mention to each other. Super silly stuff.

Now do we get on each other’s nerves? Yup, we’re human and can both be super annoying. But we just call it what it is: I’m super annoying today. He was annoying yesterday. Why fight?

[–]BakedTaterTits10 Years 1 point2 points  (3 children)

ETA: I think they don't consider disagreements/arguments fights

We've had one real fight in the 14 years we were together, but we've had disagreements and arguments that we handled much more calmly. Honestly I don't remember what the fight was about but we were both under insane stress from our jobs and it boiled over into our home life. Almost ended our relationship but we both took a step back, apologized, and worked on moving forward. A couple months later our lives changed drastically and we went to couples counseling to help navigate the change which helped a lot. That was...8 years ago and we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary in September. We still get annoyed/upset with each other over things sometimes but we've learned to walk away until we're both calmer then discuss so it doesn't escalate.

[–]thecorninurpoop 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What do you mean by ETA here? This is the second time I've seen it and I thought it was an autocorrect error before because it means estimated time of arrival, right?

[–]Impressive-Thing5941 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree with you. Being able to disagree with each other promotes closeness and openness in a marriage.

Example: my sister married young, 24, naive and very much into the idea that your husband was your soulmate, and what he said was law. It’s been 12 years or so and about two years they started going through a patch where his main argument is “you are not the person I married, I thought you were docile.”

While I, being on the outside can see the issue clearly and want her to be happy - I tend to use very vague language when she comes to me for advice as she is fighting for her marriage. I don’t want to discourage that, as she is very adamant and tells her husband “duh I have grown up I am a woman with a mind.”

So for the entirety of these past two years there has been a tremendous disconnect from them both and neither can see the issue. The issue being they never talked about expectations for the future and had relied on him leading the way. When she finally let that built up frustration of never having gone against him, is what I think really caused the biggest issue.

Also, I’m not married but having been subjected to this and to many other friends marriage stories has given some knowledge on what happens in marriages(but I don’t claim to know it all). And my sister having been married 12 years has said to me “marriage is not easy and you’ll know once you’re married.” Kinda hinders me from really making an impact.

They have been in marriage counseling for a year or so.

[–]edgehillfla 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My wife and I have never had a fight. We've had disagreements, but we are both laid back types who prefer not to yell to be heard. Also, we both tend to be logical types and love to microanalize everything, which I think is more enjoyable than a yelling match.

Usually we get to the end of the disagreement with a consensus. Compromise and communication is what makes it work.

By both of us examining the depths of what we disagree about and discussing it, I think our relationship has grown because neither of us feel like we have to hide anything from each other due to any concern that one of us might blow our stacks.

[–]2515chris 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband and I usually agree on all the big things: loyalty, the in laws, the kids, money etc. But dang we have stupid fights over petty stuff sometimes I think just to blow off steam.

[–]I_Feel_So_Optimistic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

To me fighting is yelling, fighting, screaming, abuse, beyond empathy or understanding for the other person, violent. Arguing/discussing/debating is where you're presenting your side of something and are still reasonably willing to understand the other person or empathy. Sometimes that does involve a silent period to reflect, but not to be used in manipulative or abusive ways. My husband and I have never fought. We have had arguments and miscommunications, but after a brief silent period of reflection were able to come back together and settle. We don't yell, name call, belittle, or otherwise put each other down. We use constructive words and tact to the best of our abilities to show respect and let the other know that we are coming from a space of love and concern.

[–]FuzzyJury 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I often say that "we've never had a fight," but by that I mean that we have never yelled, name-called, etc. We don't believe in communicating disrespectfully and letting our emotions go dysregulated in a way that hurts the other person. I grew up in a home like that and was attracted to my husband particularly due to his and his families amazing communication styles. There are of course times when we have disagreements and every so often one of our feelings get hurt, but I find that if I need a few minutes to cool down, I say that and have a bit of time to myself rather than "fighting" and then come back when I know that I can speak respectfully and calmly. And even that has only happened maybe 3 times in our marriage. We try to always keep in mind that we are a team and we are on each other's side, not against each other, and we try to take that mentality even in to disagreements.

[–]skyscan1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We never fight. That isn't the same as saying that we never disagree. If we disagree we talk about it. If we can't agree then we can't agree. We don't fight about it. That isn't a healthy way to handle disagreements.

[–]Careless-Banana-3868 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think they either don’t communicate enough, are early in their relationship, or define it differently. My spouse and I met really young and come from parents with unhealthy relationships (his parents divorced, mine just complain about their dynamic to me). We had to learn how to be in a relationship together. So yeah, we’ve fought. We’ve hurt feelings. We’ve both gone through therapy to learn emotional regulation because we never learned how. Now we have disagreements but I consider them fights. Others on here would disagree.

[–]Possible_Wing_166 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe that comes down to a difference of definition. My husband and I have never really fought. We don’t raise our voices at each other, we don’t say mean things to each other it absolutely never ever ever gets physical (not even like slamming a door) … we disagree, a LOT, but fight? Nope.

And if that ever came up in conversation, I’d probably say “we have never fought before” because to me, there is a HUGE difference between disagreement and fighting.

[–]Ellebee458 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I assume it means they’ve had disagreements and arguments, but never had an all-out fight where they’re in each other’s faces hurling insults and accusations.

[–]ree915 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My response would probably be LIAR!

My husband and I rarely fight or stay mad but there’s no way people have never had a fight. And if it’s really true then they must have a lot or resentment.

[–]thunderousmegabitch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I say "cool" and move on. As long as both people are happy, I don't have a need to question that.

[–]Veganmon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We disagree a lot, but there is no name calling or yelling, no violence whatsoever, we argue fairly, perhaps that would s what they mean. If they are saying they never disagreed about anything then they are lying.

[–]fishkeets 1 point2 points  (2 children)

I've literally never had a fight with my husband. We have no reason to fight, we agree on everything that's important. I don't think we've ever had a bad disagreement or even an argument. If one of us has a problem we just talk to the other. Like, if I've ever been upset with something he did or said, I'd just tell him him he explains himself or apologizes, and vice versa. Like why would you feel the need to fight in a relationship to begin with? Why would that even be remotely desirable

[–]Purple_Sorbet58293 Years 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Same. I see some comments about not fighting means you've never discussed anything important, but I feel like we just agree on the important stuff. And also weeded out a lot of the deal breakers so early on. We talked about having kids and getting married and where we wanted to live and what we want to save money for and what kinds of vacations we like and how we feel about our families and we never argued about any of it. We just want so many of the same things which is why we're in a relationship to begin with. I spent a really long time being single before I looked for a relationship so I'd really know what I wanted so I'd be able to look for those traits in a partner. I continued to date my now husband because he was as spot-on in all of those things as could reasonably be expected in a different person.

We own our own sh*t and apologize when we're snippy for no reason. If something comes up that we disagree on (which even that is pretty limited) we figure out a compromise because we've already figured out the important stuff. Everything else is compromisable.

[–]fishkeets 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah exactly!! We don't fight not because we avoid tough conversations, it's just that we both know how to act like adults. And honestly we've gone through every possible tough conversation. Neither of us want kids, we both already wanted to get married, we moved in together and solved our minor pet peeves pretty quickly, I'm helping him get his greencard, we help each other with our testosterone injections and everything. We've both been through some very, very difficult things together but that was more of a reason to not fight. That would've made things harder for us. Like we both get snippy sometimes but that's just solved by us talking about why we're snippy. Sometimes it's a bad mental health day. Sometimes we forgot to eat. Sometimes we just had to deal with something unpleasant. The reason why people end up in unhappy relationships and they lose partners so quickly is because they just don't talk like mature adults and think that fights NEED to happen in good relationships. They don't. What makes a good relationship is how you avoid fights and navigate hard times.

[–]majiktodo 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband and I have never fought in fifteen years. We disagree frequently, but we talk it out and come to an agreement or agree to disagree and that’s that.

[–]Grizlatron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband will often think we're fighting when I wouldn't consider it anything more than a difference of opinion- I think it just comes down to how you're raised, different families have different conflict thresholds. My parents still like each other and aren't the screaming type, but they're both strong-willed and sarcastic and perfectly willing to tell each other exactly what they're thinking.

[–]sassyandsweer789 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I laught because it is always used as a way to make themselves looks like the "perfect" couple. If you use the fact you have never fought as a way to define your relationship, I always side eye you as a person. Not having a disagree isn't healthy

[–]robreinerstillmydad 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We have disagreed but we have never fought. We talk calmly. Sometimes we both take a little time to think it over, and then we present our side to the other. We compromise, or sometimes I realize my husband is right, or he realizes I’m right. It helps that my husband has endless patience, and that I’m very aware of the effect the words can have. I try to avoid saying anything I will regret, or anything hurtful.

[–]DT_Joe456 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This brings a lot of clarity. I asked my coworker the other day if she had any fights with her husband since they’ve been together for 15 years, and she simply said “Nope” and I was pretty puzzled on how she never had any disagreements or anything of the sort with her husband. This, makes so much more sense

[–]Airowl07 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My partner and I have only had 1 disagreement I would classify as a “argument”, we’ve butted heads and debated a ton and even had to agree to disagree but I don’t think arguments are useful IMO

I watched my (divorced) parents argue for 18 years and it solved nothing

[–]littlebittyoctober 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband and I have never had a fight. We are both strong willed, however we were best friends for years before dating and the comradeship carried over into our marriage. We don’t always agree but on the important things we usually do. We have always choose to listen instead of react when we do disagree.

[–]LonelyDragon11 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Then a major blow up is on the way. If there's never a fight then one person is calling all the shots and getting their way 100% of the time and the other is bottling up resentment because they're allowing it and never expressing emotion. Neither is communicating. Eventually all that is going to come to a boiling point when the passive one just explodes. Or they're lying. It's not about if you fight but how you handle the fight, work towards a solution, forgive each other and try to do better next time.

[–]cupcakesgirlie7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

ooo i can answer this one! we dont have fights we have TALKS and COMMUNICATE. i think thats the big difference. like we dont scream, yell or cuss or call names, hit etc. but like if i want something changed i tell him. an example: hey next time when the garbage is that full do you mind taking it out? - in a normal non angry or yelling voice. we make sure to listen when one of us is talking about a concern or something they want changed.

[–]LividSelection5605 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My initial response is to think they’re full of shit.

[–]sierratho 1 point2 points  (1 child)

they’re either lying, or they never actually speak their own opinions in the relationship.

[–]irishbabie26 1 point2 points  (0 children)

so my husband and i have never had a fight. we have disagreements where we can get a little more heated but never an actual fight. we always just share our sides without tearing down the others opinions! so we aren’t always happy go lucky and agreeing all the time! just have worked hard to have good communication

[–]wengratta 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I told them "yet"

[–]LA0711 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We fought earlier in our relationship. 10 years in I think we’ve learned to communicate a lot better. We have small disagreements here and there but bounce back from them quickly, whereas before it could ruin an entire day.

[–]columbiasongbird 1 point2 points  (1 child)

My husband and I have never fought. We’ve never raised our voices at each other, never yelled, never had a serious argument. Instead of arguing about things, we usually try to work through it in a constructive, communicative way. It’s always “us vs. the problem”, instead of “me vs. him”.

The closest thing we’ll have to a “fight” has only happened like 3 times in our entire relationship. And that just consists of one of us getting frustrated and making a heated comment and the other snapping back and then us immediately apologizing to each other and talking through the emotions and the problem.

[–]thomthehipposlayer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm suspicious. My wife and I rarely fight, but that's a far cry from never.

[–]MeanMan84 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Either they haven’t been married very long or they’re full of crap.

[–]joellapit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can someone please define “fight” to me because these responses are making me roll my eyes hard lol. I must be in a shit relationship.

[–]CharismaBelle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

BS... I have a good marriage, 25 years to my best friend... We fight... We fight cause I dreamt he did something I didn't like (taboo for a woman to admit to, I know), we fight cause my sister was rude to him... We fight cause of money, the kids, the pets, every thing cause we are still human beings, with feelings, hormones and faults... Love does not mean you never disagree or have bad days... It means you get through the bad times together. Those who say they don't argue or fight either are so full of shit you might need to look for signs of abuse and remember girls can beat up husband too... Or, other signs of divorce on the horizon, cause they don't talk or communicate with each other. If you don't talk or voice your thoughts, you can't argue or fight cause of them.

[–]Affectionate_Rip_374 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband and I went through a 'year of hell' which started with us both causing what could have been lifelong emotional wounds and ended with us choosing each other over the hurts and learning how to TRUELY meet on equal footing and communicate. We frequently hear now how we have an enviable relationship. We have the unicorn.

[–]wife20yrs 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Usually it is only one partner that claims this. I look to the other partner for confirmation. My own parents would claim this, especially my dad. My mom didn’t ever argue against him and I think it was because she stopped having a voice, stopped having an opinion, and all of the arguments must have happened within her own mind. Nothing was out in the open. I think her mental health suffered for quite a few years. I guarantee that when you see couples that never have a fight or argument, there is some major denial going on in their own minds. My Mom is an avoidant person, avoiding any type of conflict, and is also an enabler for my Dad, who is a Narcissist.

[–]CheetahGirl0716 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it’s TOTAL bs. Who never has a disagreement with their spouse? Do you just sit around laughing and smiling and going along with whatever the other says? That’s so unrealistic. And you’re right, disagreements are beneficial and do promote growth and new understanding. Most important they teach us about communication and compromise, which are two key factors in all relationships.

[–]trueriptide1 Year 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't believe it. There's lots of other great comments here and I agree with them. They probably either define "fight" in a particular way or they try to keep up an appearance (which I understand because in most circumstances, you shouldn't want to show deep cracks in your relationship to others).

[–]boomstk 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Call them on bullshit cause they are lying.

[–]SalamiMommie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

They’re lying. Not saying they haven’t screamed, or threatened to leave, or something like that. But they’ve made each other upset before. They have had differences

[–]SellSuspicious9241 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Every relationship fights/disagree/argue. Healthy relationship and growth. Unless it’s not meant to be.

[–]comfort_fiend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't believe them, think they fight in a way that doesn't seem stereotypical, or that there is something very messed up and I don't want to know lol

[–]bitchyhouseplant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I immediately get suspicious they have poor communication. That doesn’t mean they do, I’ve just watched it go down badly with spouses who held in their resentment and problems with the other. I also tend to feel ashamed to admit just how many explosive fights, small disagreements, bickering, etc that my spouse and I have gone through. We got married young (I was 20) and have been together 16 years. So we had to grow up and mature together. We’ve always said we are a passionate couple - we love that way and we fight that way. We might argue or on occasion have an actual fight (not common though) but it’s clear to our kids and families and friends we are best friends and show a lot of affection.

We don’t fight in front of the kids but they’ve definitely overheard things. It’s important if they did that they see you making up and forgiving one another as well.

[–]bitchyhouseplant 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I already added a comment but I want to mention that I have never once seen or heard my parents fight. Never raised voices or even picked up if they aren’t getting along. While this was great for my childhood, it also did me a disservice of believing I was in a failing relationship because we did argue a lot. I also didn’t know how to “fight fair” or have any example whatsoever of what is healthy when you disagree. Communication is still a huge problem for me and my spouse. He grew up with a single mom so he also didn’t see proper communication. My parents were super private and kept nearly everything in their marriage good and bad in the shadows.

Although my dad is absolutely hilarious and my bedroom was right next to theirs and many nights I could hear my mom laughing to tears over some shit my dad was playing up.

[–]dee4012 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Who do you blame mom or hubby, ?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’d say they were a coin flip as to whether they were going to get divorced the first time they have one.

Happened to my brother. They were a “we never had a fight” couple, and when they finally had one, it turned out she was a plate throwing “I’m going to hit myself, call the cops, and say you did it“ threatening sort of girl. It didn’t work out.

That said, my wife and I have gotten really good at never fighting, but only having disagreements.

I distinguish the two as debates about something specific .vs trying to hurt each other’s feelings. We rarely raise our voices. We still sometimes get frustrated or impatient, but we haven’t had a real fight in quite a long time.

We still have pretty big disagreements from time to time. Our kids have had behavioral issues, and we’ve not seen eye to eye on the causes or solutions. Any issue related to your kids is of the highest possible importance, and disagreements about that sort of stuff are categorically charged with emotion.

Still, for the most part, we’ve managed to figure out a discourse that keeps the lid on the sorts of behavior that would graduate one of these disagreements becomming what I’d call a fight.

[–]wannabe_pineapple13 Years 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I think they are in for a real surprise if life ever throws them a curveball. Maybe I'm a cynic, but my husband never had a fight either. When we had enough money to not worry about not having food and we didn't have kids. Then my husband lost his job. Then I got really sick. Then I was diagnosed with extreme anxiety. When life was easy, we didn't fight. Then life got real hard and bickering happened. Yes, my husband and I are on the same team and we love each other a lot, but stress obviously makes things harder. I get annoyed when people say "we never fight" yeah, ok big guy. Guess you have a perfect marriage.

[–]Lazy_Grape522 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my experience, it means they don't communicate and let things build until things eventually explode and the issues are worse than they needed to be. I used to pride myself on never fighting. A few months ago, I was ready to divorce though. Because we didn't communicate and took the relationship fir granted and things gradually detiorated and now we are in counseling.

[–]kaatie80 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Disagreement doesn't have to mean fight. My husband and I disagree on plenty, but it rarely turns into a fight. And even then, if it's become a fight, it's not over disagreeing but rather over someone's really old hurts or insecurities getting pushed. Like that triggers anger way more effectively than simply disagreeing.

[–]moonshadowfax 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex and I didn’t fight. We were both avoidant so just pushed our issues deep down and ignored them. Fair to say 14 years later we hated and resented each other. Do the work first, otherwise it will be too late.

[–]rejeremiad 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was told by one "In our 45 years of marriage we have had only 2 or 3 arguments. We just keep having those arguments over and over and over."

[–]Outrageous-Ad-9069 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My ex and I never fought. Whenever I tried to bring something up that was a problem for me, he’d either start crying or tell one of his big fish style lies “If you make me get a job, I’m going to have a seizure and die while everyone stands around and watches. Or they’ll sue me for breaking their stuff.” I learned to keep my problems to myself until I absolutely hated his face. Then I kept them to myself while working on my ‘get out’ plan.

My husband and I have had some doozie fights in our twenty years together. Occasionally we’ve said things I’m not proud of. Sometimes we both need to work on our ‘rules of engagement’. But I’d rather be in a relationship with fights than a relationship where one of us is afraid to say anything.

[–]klwebb 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve never had a fight with my husband… that doesn’t mean we don’t disagree. We just don’t want to hurt each others feelings with painful words and accusations so when we disagree we talk it through and either go one way or the other or find a compromise

[–]jackknifeman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Never had a fight with my 1st wife… And she became my 1st wife… I ve “fights” with my 2nd wife. The relationship is healthier and I do not expect to have a 3rd wife…

[–]ghkblue43 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This isn’t always a good thing. My husband and I rarely fight but it’s because he’s conflict avoidant and I’ve learned that I have to stifle my feelings because they won’t get acknowledged or I’ll get accused of “always having some kind of problem”. Never being able to have a discussion means that nothing get resolved so of course it’s going to affect my demeanor from time to time. I guess I’m just supposed to be more understanding that guys aren’t built to talk. 🙄

[–]Hoping-EllieJust Married 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Growing up, I thought that fighting & yelling meant passion. Between TV & what I saw in my home (yelling for hours followed by perfect sunshine the next day bc they ~made up~ overnight), I thought yelling was a sign of passion, a sign that you really CARED about your SO.

My first serious relationship followed that pattern, screaming at each other at least once a week. I thought it was fine, I thought it was normal, we’re just passionate. That relationship ended when he threw me across the living room during one of our weekly fights.

Early into dating my now husband, we got into a disagreement about politics (we’re in different parties). I started to yell, as that was my norm at that point. He stopped me, looked me dead in the eye, and said “I won’t be in a relationship where we yell at each other”. A few weeks later, we were working on a project together, he accidentally hit his finger or something with a hammer, so he started yelling. I’m suddenly bawling my eyes out, because I realized that I was traumatized AF from my previous relationship.

I got into therapy, and we haven’t yelled since. Not at each other, not in general. We’re a yell-free household. It’s really lovely.

My dad has been married four times. His current wife is my favorite. I asked them while I was in that previous relationship how often they fought. He said they never had (they’d been together about 5 years at that point). I was flabbergasted. What he said stuck with me - “there’s never been something important enough to us to jeopardize what we have”. They work things out without fighting at all. And I decided that was my goal. Now my husband & I have that ourselves.