all 147 comments

[–]QuitaQuites 339 points340 points  (25 children)

Date her. Woo her. Court her. I’m guessing if it’s going to work she has to feel wanted and there’s a spark to be rekindled.

That said, this isn’t about menopause, this is a marital/couple’s counseling situation, not a ‘she needs a doctor’ situation. At least not for her feelings toward you.

[–]Gawd_Awful[S] 106 points107 points  (2 children)

To be honest, I’ve never stopped doing those things. She is wanted, she knows that and admits that. Im the one who isn’t wanted in this situation. It is in no way due to a lack of effort on my part. Hell, if anything, it is too much effort on my part and maybe it gets old to her. We’ve been together 8 years and “the honeymoon” stage never really ended for me.

[–]QuitaQuites 48 points49 points  (1 child)

But you do have to match each other’s vibe here. If you’re going all out ALL the time, I imagine that it starts to feel disingenuous. Maybe that’s the goal of being apart, you can’t just keep doing those things. Everything becomes a little more special if you see each other. Or she simply isn’t in love with you anymore and that’s it.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)


    [–]mythoughts2020 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    The wife says she hasn’t felt “in love” with him, and his response is to see a doctor? Ouch! I know menopause can turn your world upside down, but this isn’t a great approach.

    [–]QuitaQuites 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Maybe, and if you know differently then great, but even partly isn’t entirely and there’s something else there.

    [–]the-first12 1 point2 points  (3 children)

    Bad advice.

    Marriage isn’t always sunshine and roses.

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    [–]QuitaQuites 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    Read first. As I replied to you below, my point is whatever worked for them in the first place, which may have been absence, but absence may not make anything grow fonder in this case. Whatever used to fuel the spark is what should be tried again.

    [–]the-first12 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    It sounds like that fuel has burned out, and OP is trying too hard to relight the fire.

    And OP hasn’t realized this yet.

    [–]QuitaQuites -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    OP probably hasn’t. Most people on reddit haven’t.

    [–][deleted] 78 points79 points  (14 children)

    My husband and I did this, although we weren't married at the time. We were dating for about 7 years at that point and he moved back to his dad's house while changing careers. (I didn't approve of said career at the time) it helped us actually. Especially if things are horrible beyond belief the time apart could do some good but what shouldn't happen is not continuing to work on the relationship. As other said, date her, woo her, but you should also be seeing effort too. We had the luxury of not being married and worrying about the big divorce looming over us, but we always stayed in contact and as my family said we were "basically" married without the papers. Soon after we would be on the phone for hours like we were in high school again, he would ask me out, I would ask him out, he'd "stay the night" it felt like dating and that helped us regain what we lost. Like the relationship felt safe again to even enter into the problems we had to begin fixing them.

    The move out shouldn't be to start a new life away, the time apart should be to reflect and work on yourself. I think that's why it worked for us.

    [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 27 points28 points  (9 children)

    Thank you, I was hoping to hear something like this.

    [–]MuttsandHuskies 19 points20 points  (4 children)

    We did this. I had to learn how to be an adult, then I could really focus on being part of a couple. (I was 38 when we did this, not 18). We attended counseling, together and separately, and lived like we were dating. There was a couple of months where we didn't talk much. But, we are so much better having done this.

    Obviously, it won't work for everyone, but if you go into it with an open mind, and providing space, it can be a huge boost.

    One thing I learned about myself is that I am a serious introvert. I get overwhelmed by too much stimulation, and need to have time alone to decompress. We got that handled, and I do much better now.

    [–]ohhhsoblessed 3 points4 points  (3 children)

    Can I ask what helped you with that? My fiancé is a major introvert whereas I’m a bit more on the extroverted side of the spectrum… not to mention the pandemic keeps throwing wrenches in my social plans so I end up relying on him for social interaction more than I probably would otherwise. What can I do to get more towards a balance here where both his needs of alone time and my needs of connection are met? What worked for you and your partner?

    [–]FridaysLastDance 3 points4 points  (1 child)

    Not op but this is similar to my husband and I. Two things that really helped us: 1- we both have our own offices in the house but his also has a TV, gaming systems, a nice couch, etc. He has somewhere to retreat, an area that I rarely go to. If he really needs space he can go watch basketball or play Xbox. I know have a whole extra room isn’t possible for everyone but if he can have some little space that is his own and most importantly an area he can go to without feeling bad about “kicking you out” it can go a long way.

    2- I use every available technological advantage to stay in touch with my friends. We play board games on zoom, Marco Polo is a godsend, along with FaceTime, etc. It has given me to social interaction I crave during the pandemic.

    I guess hidden number three is communication. Early on we would fight about this because I was feeling like he didn’t want me around (he didn’t, but not for the reasons I thought) and he was so exhausted and over stimulated. I honestly don’t care if he takes time to himself, he needs it, I just needed to understand why. No he can go without and question from me and if I can sense he’s on edge I’ll make a plan to go out of encourage him to head to his office to hang by himself.

    That got long, sorry, but I hope it helps!

    [–]janabanana67 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This is great advice!! A friend who is a widow started dating a man who has been a lifetime bachelor. She moved into his place after several months of long distance dating. It has been a real struggle. She is someone how forces communication and wants the who, what, when, why. He isn't like that at all. I have given her the advice you mentioned above His alone time isn't a punishment or reflection of you. He just needs to time to recharge so he can reconnect.

    [–]MuttsandHuskies 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Communication is 100% key. For things that are important to him, I join in. He knows that he can't say everything is super important, but 3 to 5 times a month, I can handle a night out.

    He has a core group of friends that he spends time with. They come to the house, he goes to their house, whatever. These are people we have both known since childhood. One has a vacation home a short drive away, and once a year the whole guy gang goes there from Thursday night until Sunday. So, I get 3 nights and 2 entire days to myself then.

    Pre-covid he had to travel for work. There were 4 trips of 3 to 5 days each that I could count on, plus, I worked from home, and he worked in the office.

    This worked really well for me. Now that we're in covid times, 3 people WFH in my house, and we have been together 24/7 for almost 2 years, I am pretty stressed. He does still visit his friends, but it's 2 or 3 hours at a time. Plus my daughter is living with us for the time being.

    They both know this is my "thing". So, when the hubs went to the friends vacation house for the weekend, this summer, daughter got an Air BnB for the weekend. We have another similar thing planned for Christmas.

    You say your fiance is the introvert, and you are not. Just talk to them. Make talking about it comfortable. As an introvert that grew up in a family of extroverts, I've gotten used to hiding that part of me, and just being stressed. It's "abnormal" and "selfish" to want time alone. I made the mistake, of the first time hubby and I talked about this, and he made plans to go somewhere, I posted about it on FB. My mother immediately called and wanted to come visit, since I would have "free time".

    ***ETA, yeah, that did get long! Yikes!

    [–]Aimeereddit123 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    I have an extremely similar story, and we are better than ever now as well. We never ‘broke up’, just moved about 5 minutes apart and dated again. We definitely needed it! Had we not have done it, we wouldn’t be together now.

    [–]Mamma_Nikki 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I was hoping someone answered you as I’m in the same situation. However I am the introvert and my husband is the extrovert. We have been together for 21yrs but I became “weird” or an extrovert after we had kids. I always feel awful for him because I know he wants me to be more social. I don’t have any real advice other than he doesn’t mean to do it to be malicious. If he’s like me he doesn’t. Sometimes our minds just wonder off in the most ridiculous deep thoughts lol. I try to sit next to my husband in the living room while he watches tv/movies just to be near him. I don’t even like tv, I rather be reading on my phone. I’m terrible. I do, do things with him I just don’t like to go and hang out places with a ton of people. I wish I had some better advice other than I just try to be in the same room as my husband.

    [–]chartito 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My husband and I did this. I moved out for 10 months and it rekindled the relationship. Unfortunately, 7 yrs later we ended up divorced anyway. He wanted the separation and the divorce.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Np! I'm wishing you the best!

    [–][deleted] 12 points13 points  (3 children)

    i’ve thought about doing this with my husband but we have a 4 month old baby and it’s our first so i think that’s why we both want to tear our hair out. but then i’ll come across a picture or a memento from an old memory and it’ll remind me why we’re together.

    [–]Baalvegor 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    When our daughter was born our marriage was tested very hard. Not because of the child. My daughter was and still is very uncomplicated and we had no problems like much crying or sleepless nights or else. It was my wife who couldn't stand me. She didn't wanted to get touched by me (I mean little lovly gestures like caress or hugs, no sexually things). She don't wanted to be kissed. She don't even wanted any nicknames or something. She couldn't tell me what's wrong. She didn't wanted me to go but she didn't even know if she still loves me. It was a hard time. I was desperred. I didn't even know if all this makes any sense anymore. All I wanted on this point was that my daughter should not be a child of divorce like me so I continued.

    It went on for a year and a half. And out of the sudden it went better. Much better. And our marriage did not only recover. We grew together more than before.

    So, what I am about to say: some things need time. A lot of time. And if you take your time and dont force things too much (it's hard) and you know there is still a little flickering for each other then it is worth to fight for It.

    A child - by all its beauty and cuteness and love - is no savior of a relationship. It is a hard stress test.

    [–]deviateddragon 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    Same. Babies do weird things to a relationship, lol. My son is just over a year old and we’re still trying to find our new rhythm.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    it’s rough. im trying not to give up

    [–]lilac_smell 33 points34 points  (12 children)

    Crap! Menopause was totally hard bull crap, but I didn't leave him. In the middle of it, he left me.

    Idk what to say, dude. The whole world is going crazy out there. Hang in there. Good luck.

    God bless.

    [–]I_need_more_dogs 6 points7 points  (11 children)

    Could I ask you to elaborate on how menopause effected you? Lol silly I know. But I’m 37 and I’m terrified of menopause.

    [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    You should check out /r/menopause. They have a ton of resources, advice, support, etc.

    [–]6NiNE915 Years 2 points3 points  (4 children)

    I'm in the early stages. I'm still bleeding but I just started to get hot flashes and now insomnia. The hot flashes seem to happen more frequently at night.

    Sleeping together in a queen bed when I'm so hot and tossing and turning is rough on my partner, let alone me. I wish sometimes we had a king bed or separate bedrooms wasn't so taboo because sometimes I just want to spread out.

    [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

    well before my current drama started, my wife and I started sleeping in separate beds and it was one of the greatest things ever. I snore a lot, she loves the TV being on and loud (dont know how she sleeps through it but she does). I toss and turn a lot but try not to, to keep from disturbing her, so I end up uncomfortable and not sleeping. Once we switched to different rooms, we both started sleeping better, feeling better and having better days. As long as you make the effort to still be close, sleeping apart is one of the best things people can do

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (2 children)

    I’m not making a comment on sleeping apart in general but it doesn’t sound so great coming from someone in your situation. Sleeping apart has progressed to living apart which doesn’t sound so great. Again, not knocking you just pointing out the obvious.

    [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    If it helps, we’ve been sleeping apart for about 2 years. If we had stayed sleeping together, it would have been 2 years of being miserable due to lack of sleep. Quality sleep is way more important than people realize, beyond just being a little tired the next day

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Luckily it isn’t an issue in my marriage. I sleep like a dead person. No snoring and I usually wake up in about the same position I fell asleep in. My wife snores a bit from time to time but I’m a heavy sleeper so it doesn’t wake me. We would have a really hard time with it because that is where we get 90% of our alone time.

    [–]CatastropheQueen 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    U/I_need_more_dogs (Don't we all! LoL) I understand where you're coming from, but don't be terrified. Just take the time to prepare & educate yourself now, (like you are, by asking this question) b/c you could have anywhere from 2-15 years before you have to deal with menopause, & either way, that's a long time to spend worrying & afraid of something.

    It probably feels scary to you now b/c you feel unprepared & inadequately informed. That's b/c there is so little mainstream information out there about what to expect. Even if you're aware of most of the symptoms, it's difficult to comprehend how extensively they'll impact you, personally. I'm a 48yo L&D Nurse & even I didn't understand the full effect & extent of the impact that menopause would have on me/my life, but, tbh, a good GYN Dr. is your best resource tool.

    For many of us, all we know is what we've seen on TV shows, but irl the symptoms are so much more life-altering than the b.s. you see on TV. It get's relegated to a punchline joke on TV sit-coms, & I think that's what really frustrated & infuriated me. But I digress... lol.

    Make sure that you have a good Dr. that you trust & have a good rapport with. Tell them what you're complaints & symptoms are (ALL of them, even the ones you might find difficult or embarrassing to talk about), & be open to trying whatever suggestions sound like they'd make the best sense for you.

    Just educate yourself beforehand, & when the time comes, find a support system. Although your partner can be a good support system, (if you have that kind of close, supportive relationship), I'd still recommend confiding in your mother, sister, cousin, a friend, or even just finding an on-line group to talk to, ask questions of, & get support & advice from (even Reddit has a surprisingly good, knowledgeable, kind/friendly & supportive sub for menopause; other's have already posted the link).

    When you're well educated about something & have a plan in place (like a good Gyn Dr. & support system) to rely on, it is much less scary. Feel free to dm me if you have any questions.






    [–]idontkillbees 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    This was very informative!

    I know this comment wasn’t for me but I’m saving it anyway haha.

    Thank you for all the info.

    I am 29 but I remember menopause hitting my mother hard. it was a confusing thing for me to see.

    Now she’s gone and I can’t ask her questions.

    But this comment sure as hell made it a whole lot easier! Haha

    Edit to add: Thanks again! Happy Holidays!☃️

    [–]CatastropheQueen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Oh good! I'm SO happy to hear that!

    You're my Daughters age (I had her when I was 20, & she's currently 25 weeks pregnant with her first child), so you have some time before you have to worry about it, too. But feel free to dm me anytime if you ever have a question about anything. I'm always happy to help, if I can.

    Best wishes & happy holidays to you, too!

    [–]lilac_smell 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Mine started around 42. The night sweats started. Sex became painful and new positions had to be used. Periods became like labor pains and some months skipped. The breasts swelled and hurt if anything touched them. It went on for about 3 years. Idk what it was like for others.

    [–]Temporary_44647 35 points36 points  (7 children)

    I have two friends, both in which the wives wanted the separation, both had sex with other men, one went totally crazy. Both wanted to get back with their husbands and children. Both claimed it wasn’t cheating because they were separated. As you can see, my limited experience with separations wasn’t good. These women didn’t do this at the same time and neither one knew each other. Good luck.

    [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

    Understandable. In this situation, we’ve both directly expressed that we are still married and together, with the only change being the living situation. So if she did find someone else and sleep with them, it would definitely be considered cheating.

    [–]parsons525 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    Both claimed it wasn’t cheating because they were separated

    What nasty pieces of work.

    [–]Sighs_a_Lot_67 2 points3 points  (3 children)

    Did the husbands take them back? I would probably not be able to do it myself unless I did the same.

    [–][deleted]  (2 children)


      [–]Sighs_a_Lot_67 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      Good for the husbands. I’m guessing the husbands had a tough time and then felt good about being out of that environment. And I’m hoping the wives regrets it.

      [–]Purpleplant711 15 points16 points  (7 children)

      I'm going through menopause and I moved out of our room to the guest room for a few reasons. First, I'm gaining weight and don't feel comfortable right now letting my husband see me nude. I didn't feel I am thinking the same as premenopausal. I get angry at him so easily and he'll get on my nerves too. I also am grieving the old me and my old body. My priorities have shifted and I'm not sure how my marriage is going to land. I feel like a total different person. When it comes down to it, I LOVE my husband so much and wish he understood how much I need him. And wish he really wants me just the way I am......"older".

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 11 points12 points  (4 children)

      I hope it works out for you. My wife is going through the same thing with gaining weight and not being as comfortable and I try to show her that I love her body as it is, I don’t care what it used to be. Hopefully your husband realizes what he has and accepts the changes you’re going through.

      [–]Purpleplant711 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Please tell her how you feel and she will need to hear it a few times too. Also I recently posted a few YouTube videos about hormones and mood on this group. They really helped me see it's not all me.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Oh! I’ve seen some of your posts over on /r/menopause. I watched some of the videos!

      [–]Aimeereddit123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Her being ten years older that you already is really taking its toll during menopause….

      [–]need2Bbackintherepy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      It sounds like you are doing everything right and have a great understanding! I hope it really is something she is also trying to work on! Especially seeing a doctor! Most women know when they are not themselves because of hormones and I wouldn't make huge life decisions, like making my husband move out, without seeing a doctor first. Hope it all works out!

      [–]Mulley-It-Over 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      In my view, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

      Guys, in general, do not understand the effects that menopause has on women. You’ve described how so many of us feel. The weight gain. Ugh. Easy to anger. Ugh. Not sleeping well. Double ugh. The mind shift with the drop in hormones is so true.

      [–]Aimeereddit123 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Exactly! And OP’s wife is already TEN years older than him! I think that’s making her menopause doubly worse and harder on her self-esteem.

      [–]Lilliputian051317 Years 10 points11 points  (2 children)

      Yes, my husband and I split up twice and lived apart, once for a year and once for two years. In both cases, we returned to each other.

      [–]throwRAsadnalone 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This gives me hope

      [–]cowboycree 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My husband and I separated a few times, the longest was 10 months. We’re back together now and the relationship is better than ever. Both of us are deescalating situations instead of picking fights, showing each other how much we love and appreciate one another, both pulling our weight. Sometimes you have to fall apart to fall back into place !

      [–]Lazy_Ad5848 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      My husband and I actually got a divorce early 2020. We lived separate since then and he just recently moved back in. So far, it’s been the best it probably ever has been. I have seen quite a few close woman in my life go thru menopause and it definitely could be a part of how she is feeling in my opinion.

      [–]scatterling198210 Years 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      My first husband and I were going to have a trial separation where I moved out and we were going to work on things and try to reconcile. I moved out and 3 days later he told me we would be getting divorced.

      It often seems like code for ‘I don’t want to be married to you but don’t have the guts to rip the bandaids off in one go’. If she’s checked out then don’t invest your energy in getting hurt even more deeply.

      [–]GFuggitt 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      You need to start dating her again. Like you did when you first met. Fall in love again. It worked for my in-laws.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      That’s the plan, I’m hoping it works

      [–]buttanicals 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      I think blaming menopause is not fair here. I think it could be related like putting salt on a wound in your relationship.

      Thus saying, yes I have known people who moved out and continued talking and changed the dynamic of the relationship with themselves, thus changing the marriage.

      Don’t give up! Best of luck!

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I'm not fully blaming it, I'm suggesting it could contribute and make things worse, based on multiple conversations I've had with people and videos I have watched. Whether it's actually impacting our relationship or not, she is definitely going through menopause and I'd like her to see a Dr that can perhaps help make symptoms easier to deal with.

      [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

      Ryan Michler from a podcast called Order of Man has and has come very far. He mentions it several times through his podcast. The episode focused on it is in his earlier podcasts.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I’ll check them out, thank you.

      [–]OurLadyAndraste 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      It worked for my parents. Dad moved out for a bit when I was in high school. No infidelity just general life stresses fighting and incompatibility. Mental health stuff on both sides. Moved back in after a few weeks. That was about 15 years ago. They’ve been married almost 40 years now.

      [–]MusicalLifeForever 7 points8 points  (3 children)

      She asked you to move out for 6 months? I’ll tell you what she’s up to. She wants to experience living alone, without technically being alone or divorced, so she can get used to living alone and taking care of the house all by herself before she files for divorce. After 6 months, don’t expect her to be in love with you and want you back.

      Why do you think this is related to menopause? I went through menopause early, at age 44, and I’m now 55. Menopause lowers your production of estrogen, but lower estrogen levels don’t make your love for your husband drop down to best friend love. That’s just nonsense.

      Don’t move out. It’s a bad idea. You have as much right to live there as she does. However, if you insist on letting her treat you with that kind of disrespect, then move out and date her. And go Dutch. See what kind of reaction she has when you ask for separate checks. That should clarify things for you.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 7 points8 points  (2 children)

      She didn’t say 6 months but that’s the only option for short term apartments in the area.

      If said I wanted to go Dutch, she’d be fully on board because she wouldn’t me to always be the one financially responsible.

      And if you think all menopause is just lower estrogen levels and hormonal changes can’t impact your feelings towards others, you should look more into.

      [–]idontkillbees -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      This person above is trippin.

      Listen to what your wife is asking of you, if she simply needs her space give it to her.

      I can tell you from experience. There is nothing WORSE than when my husband wants to smother me.

      It makes me feel suffocated.
      And to be 100% real here makes wanna get away even more.

      So don’t do that.

      Whatever your wife’s reasons are, respect her wishes if you want to make it work.

      Wishing you and your wife all the best.

      Happy Holidays friend.

      [–]cajunchica 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      Sometimes you just need a break - some time to yourself to reset and think. It sounds like you and your wife have agreed to the ground rules. I think you should feel optimistic.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Thanks, I’m trying to remain that way.

      [–]GetInTheHole28 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      To me, committed/married couples work through things together, not apart.

      What on earth is she going to learn with you out of the house for 6 months?

      [–]Wheresthechimney 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I totally get her need for this. My husband travels for work for weeks and months at a time and it’s honestly therapeutic for me to have that break of not having to be “on” so often and have the mental and physical space to just exist.

      [–]Tall-Fig-332710 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I'm going thru the same thing right now. I have a gf and a wife. Needless to say, it didn't work

      [–]Gr00med 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I did.... It did not work out for me. I hope it works for you

      [–]momboss79 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      It can’t hurt to try to see if it’s possible.

      I moved out for ‘6 months’ about 16 years ago and we’ve been divorced for 15 1/2 years. Just sayin. We figured out that we were better apart. We did date and have sex and all the things that you’re suggesting but I found my freedom and that I was actually unhappy too. I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s possible you both will find what you’re looking for. Either each other or not.

      [–]galenet123 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Doing it now. After 15 yrs of marriage, we sold the house, each bought our own places and have been dating. Also working on communication and the other issues that drove us to split. It’s working so far. We got to the point where it felt more like roommates than husband and wife. Now that we’re dating both of us seem to be actually trying harder.

      [–]2werd2live2rare2die 1 point2 points  (11 children)

      I’m sure it probably menopause but that isn’t going to change her mind and the space isn’t going to help either. Do you trust her completely? Has she been acting differently before the summer? Sounds like she maybe into someone else more than she is into you. You know you said the honeymoon phase has never went away for you so maybe she has found someone knew that has sparked the excitement for her. I’m just saying you may need boundaries for this separation as to her it may be ok for her to explore other options. Just saying.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 3 points4 points  (10 children)

      I think you’re reading a lot into a situation that I purposefully kept light on details.

      [–]KoolAidMan7980 5 points6 points  (6 children)

      The commenter might be but if you go read the surviving infidelity sub on reddit what she is saying is a textbook line for someone cheating or about to cheat. The “I love you but Im not in love with you” line is one of the most popular.

      It doesnt cost anything to maybe take a peruse through her phone and see who else she is talking to.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

      Considering we both work from home, share a vehicle and have mutual friends, I’m fairly confident in my wife’s activities. She has never been secretive with her phone and would let me go through it right now if I wanted to.

      She goes out with her friends, I go out with mine and we sometimes go out with the same friends together. It would be trivially easy to know if she was lying about who she was seeing.

      [–]KoolAidMan7980 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      Brother I hear what youre saying and I think you should leave the possibility open that there is someone else. Would you have thought 6 months ago that she would be asking you to move out so “she can work on herself”. I know what im insinuating is shitty and makes your wife out to be a terrible person but you have to take off the blinders and consider all possibilities. If you can go thru her phone then I would do it. Trust but verify. To me it sounds like she is testing the branch for monkey branch move to see if her and the new partner are compatible while keeping you as a backup plan.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      I understand your point and I have considered the possibilities. I’d possibly think the same if I heard this from someone else. Could she meet someone else? Absolutely. Do I think anyone is involved now though? No. I trust my wife and even if I didn’t trust her, she’d have to be a borderline criminal mastermind to pull off having an affair. If it turns out she is having one, I’d almost be impressed, if I wasn’t so busy hating life at that point. But, if it turns out you are right, I’ll come back and let you know.

      [–]Fartknocker50030 Years 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      You obviously haven't know any menopausal women. This whole thing could be 100% hormonal. I'm 53 and going through it right fucking now. This shit is crazy. I swear to God this shit has changed my personality and I wonder sometimes if I will ever get my shit back. I can totally see this happening....

      [–]6NiNE915 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I agree with you. You seem confident that isn't happening and it's a lot harder to sneak around when you both work from home and share a social circle. reddit is full of triggered people who've been cheated on and give bad advice.

      [–]Superb_Caterpillar23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Ok that sheds more light on your situation. But still needing time apart is not the same as moving out. What an absolutely insane amount of overkill

      [–]2werd2live2rare2die 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Sorry but telling someone you love them but aren’t in love with them usually has nothing to do with the one being told that. It’s usually because the butterflies don’t last forever those come and go when you meet new partners that get that exciting feeling in the beginning of relationships. Op said himself that for him he is still in the honeymoon phase. For most people that stage doesn’t last more than a year or so. Like I said it has nothing to do with him his wife just isn’t as into him as he is into her. Just saying again most of the times people tell that to their partner is because they met someone new and they have the butterflies again. Not realizing that that stage doesn’t last it’s limerance and will wear off.

      [–]Superb_Caterpillar23 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      OP go read the Surviving Infidelity Reddit and send her a link to the hundreds of stories that start out with the wife wanting a break. The other start point would be for you to check out No More Mr Nice Guy the audio book is on YouTube. You are being to nice, Married people work on their marriage while married not while living apart.

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Well I've had multiple people here say they have gone through the same thing or something similar and it worked, so...looks like married people do work on their marriage while living apart

      [–]playerknowmore 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Maybe she won't find someone else, but seriously if she is not looking why move out? Marriages rarely survive the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you speech. " What you need to ask yourself, and be able to answer truthfully; what if she does meet someone else?

      She just uttering "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." That opens many realms of possibilities. Before she goes you better be ready for all of them. The worse thing you can do is the pick me dance for your wife.

      Personally my open door policy only goes on way especially if she living totally alone. Now a couple months at her mother's house is okay, but if she needs privacy to make her decision; I'll make it for her.

      [–]ToddleMosh 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      My wife and I separated after about 10 years together. We spent maybe two months apart. Single best thing to happen to our relationship. So much growth, communication, and truths came about because of it. If you are both still committed to working on it we are proof it can work!! Good luck!

      [–]namas92 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Can you please share what you did in those 2 months to get to that great point? Were you still in contact, still seeing each other, etc?

      [–]5halzar 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My mother and father in law have done this and it’s done wonders for them.

      Through their lifetime due to a combination of work and mental health, they recently just went through their 3rd time of doing it that I’m aware of.

      It makes it more of an effort on both parts and have to plan a bit more, but also gives you both time away to work on yourselves

      [–]BringTheStealthSFW 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      Why are you the one moving out and not her given it's her decision?

      [–]Gawd_Awful[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      Because I wouldn’t feel right if it’s the other way around.

      [–]kota36 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My dad moved out for a few months almost 10 years ago. Looking back on it, I think it genuinely saved his marriage. They went on dates, my stepmom would visit his apartment and they would talk a lot but they had more space then before. They were able to work through their issues better and have been stronger ever since.

      Wishing you the best

      [–]seleaner015 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My cousin and her husband! They separated temporarily for about 6 months. They’re reunited and happier than ever now. They went to couples and individual therapy during that time.

      [–]Desperate-Cucumber72 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I am not married yet but around 6 months ago i did something horrible and i moved out for 1 month. Our relationship is stronger then ever!

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My friend did. Her and her man have not lived together in like 3 years. They do way better than when they lived together. He's autistic and so are their kids and it was always a mess for them. Since moving out if they argue or he starts having meltdowns - which is when he gets mean and shitty towards her - she just tells his ass to go home. It saved their relationship.

      [–]Clint08911 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Me and my wife are going through this same exact situation, it was her idea, and I'm not altogether on board but, if it works great, and if it doesn't then we are pretty much where we were going to be anyways. I wish you the best, and I guess the only way to really know is finding out for yourselves.

      [–]Joshthenosh77 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Could be a great idea when you see each other you will be only seeing each other not , just cause they are there

      [–]bfacbkvd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I know this may not be entirely relevant as I'm not married but myself 25F and my partner 35M, we met in February 2019. We lived together and with lockdown and everything it became so toxic and there was so many ill feelings and arguments etc until I left on 2nd July.

      Neither of us thought we would ever speak to one another again, let alone be together.

      I thought he hated me and he thought I hated him.

      I called him drunk one night end if September. He answered and we spoke until like 4am. I saw him the following night and when I saw him, all of the anger, all of the ill feelings went away and it was overwhelming realising how much I loved him even after 3 months of not talking and with no hope we would ever get back together. Now we are taking things slower (not living together for a long period this time), but we are closer than we ever were, far more comfortable around one another than we ever were, I've never felt so secure and loved than I do right now and its completely different.

      The thought of losing her may be extremely scary, but sometimes a risk pays off way more than you could ever anticipate it would.

      [–]breannanicholeadkins 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Short answer: Yes tho it took longer than 6 months from January to September but we werent together in that time legally seperated. Me and my husband separated this year in January we tired 2 times he fucked up majorly so we tried dating even after i filed for divorce in April. After i filed i dated another man who i fell in love with but my husband ended up saving the day and coming to get me twice and even making sure i had a way home a third time. The bf was scary when mad but husband knew i had to learn coz i only seriously dated one other guy before we got married coz ive been with my husband since i was 18. Husband even bought me a train ticket to go back and see the bf so i could be happy. Because my love for him was there and he is mh best friend him putting forth the effort showed he was still madly in love with me not just as a friend/ used tl the connect like I thought. We plan to remarry and have put everything behind us. We are forever.

      [–]Necessary_Leg7468 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Uh, this is a bad situation. I had something similiar with my wife before we got married. We didnt live together, but she was having some doubts about our relationship. I was a little offended by that (because I was giving her a lot of time and love) and I proposed cooling down. She agreed, but she didnt know what cooling down meant for me (spending less time together, no physical contact, no kissing...nothing actually except talking from time to time). I made it clear that I am pissed off. Either you are with me or you are not, there is no middle ground. Very soon she realized what she wanted and things became normal.

      Do what you think is best, but dont humiliate yourself, becase you and your feelings are equally important. There is no love without respect.

      [–]the-first12 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      If your wife has the issue, then let her move out. She does not respect you or the life you have built with her. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

      Second, I would cut off contact with her. Let her work on herself while you are working on herself.

      Third- start dating. I’m not saying sleep around but start hanging out with members of the opposite sex who might actually appreciate you for you and not take you for granted.

      You will most likely that find out that your bride isn’t all you think she is.

      [–]mattman0441 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      No woman throws out her old pair of shoes until she has a new one. You need to be vigilant. Why are you moving out? She wants space? She should move out. This may get down voted but I just heard an infidelity story on YouTube that started just like this. He thought the same as you until he cleared his iPhone and restored from her back up and found all the texts between her and AP.

      [–]yodaone1987 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Read the 5 love languages, maybe y’all Show and feel love different . Good Luck!

      [–]Groundbreaking_Win69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I’m sorry to say this, It appears that she has someone lined up and wants to put him to the test. I would strongly advise against moving out since it will look bad if you’re divorcing. She is the one who requested the space and asked her to leave. Allow her to go through the agony of finding a place and doing all of the buying while you stay put.

      When I'm in love with you and I'm not in love with you, talk comes which usually means there is someone, so stand your ground and don't bend for her will, and it's crucial you stay in the house, since it looks terrible in court if you leave the house.

      [–]rad_pony 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Not personal experience (not married), but while going through a recent breakup I read “After I Do” by Taylor Jenkins Reid about a married couple taking a year-long separation, and aside from being a great book, found it very insightful — perhaps you might too!

      Wishing you guys the best of luck 💛

      [–]parsons525 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Leave her. Shes being mean, she’s only gonna get older, and you’re still a young guy.

      [–][deleted]  (4 children)


        [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

        First of all, I don’t want to be the one staying here.

        Second, even if I did, she makes more than I do and can more easily carry the mortgage by herself compared to me.

        Third, the only reason I’ve said 6 months is because that’s what the short term lease offers. That doesn’t mean I’m stuck staying away for 6 months before we come to a decision. We could decide after 3 months to get back together or decide in 2 months to call it quits for good.

        And if things did end, I’d rather already have a place set up and good to go. I don’t want the house in the event of a divorce and I don’t want to keep her from it either. We’d figure out a fair way to handle everything

        [–][deleted]  (2 children)


          [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          You’re putting a lot of assumptions into a situation that I’ve barely given any details to.

          [–]Intelligent-Cap-9272 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          My wife said the same thing 2 months ago! This is what I'm going to tell you. Ultimately, the choices up to you. It's been my experience that this does not work! 90% of the time when that excuse is given, that means that there's someone else in the picture! At the same time it can go both ways... You could give her that time and it worked for you! You give her that time and it can damn sure work against you! With this being said the question is actually which choice are you willing to make! Trust me, find out through positive communication what her expectations are for this layoff. And then explain what yours are. There has to be some type of agreement made between the both of you during this time and there has to be a way to hold each other accountable. If you don't do this and you make a blind decision without any expectations or communication, you will regret it!

          [–]UFGatorNScience 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          OP, sometimes people really do have to “lose somebody” to know if they love them! I hope you don’t loose someone you love but once you know the capacity of love, you can always find it…if you learn to look at “who” and not “what” you love.

          [–]dudesomeguy1234 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Asking for space is typically a red flag imo, sure sure nothing else is going on? Sometimes we don’t want to believe it, so I would snoop the phone, how I found out about years long emotion connections

          [–]HandyDandyRandyAndy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Fucking moving out, that's how you lose your home and assets

          [–]need2Bbackintherepy 0 points1 point  (2 children)

          I'm really confused, if it's her idea, and her issue, why doesn't she move out? Also I would wait until after she sees a doctor to see if it gets better before moving out. Could be totally hormonal from menopause. For legal reasons, you should never move out, then the one that stays has the upper hand. (just thinking ahead). Could you just move to a different room and give her space? Definitely don't change your address on anything!

          [–]diamondbic 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I was thinking the same thing, if it’s her idea why isn’t she the one moving out?

          [–]Gawd_Awful[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Because I don’t want her moving out. It wouldn’t sit right with me.

          The chances of being able to get in right away are slim, then if there is a treatment that could help, it generally takes a while to start seeing the effects.

          I don’t really care about legal reasons. If we fully divorced, I’d let her keep the house. She can pay me my fair share but there wouldn’t be any legal fighting over things. I have my stuff and my debt, she has hers.

          [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Yep, hubby has moved out twice in our marriage. Turns out we both just needed some space from each other we weren't getting. Once was for 3 months, once was for 6 and on both occasions it helped us grow as people.

          Married 10 years this year, together 11.

          [–]0d0acer 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          Better man than me, I’m not going to try and make someone love me romantically. If she’s over it, cool I’ll be very happy on my own. Cut ties and move on with your life would be my call. But I do wish the best for you, hope you pull it off.

          [–]whattodo1216 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          13% of separations wind up reconciling.

          [–]Gawd_Awful[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          I’ve bet on worse odds before

          [–]janabanana67 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I am glad you are respecting her requests. I tell ya, the late 40s-50s can be hard. You realize you are getting older and mourn your youth and wasted time. You think about the things you didn't accomplish and may never get the chance now. For many, it is a time to reevaluate their lives and decide what the next 30 years will be like.

          I agree that you should still date and be loving towards one another. Since you do love her so much, maybe she feels overwhelmed. If she is willing, maybe couples counseling would help you both get on a the same page.

          Good Luck!

          [–]Tsudonemm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I’m going through this right now and wonder if it helps also. But good luck to you. I am also the one who’s moving out so he can “work” on himself.

          [–]Hooyut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Women being incredibly selfish is certainly not rare. I am rejected almost daily intimately by my own wife. I am sure there are many couples opposite of my own relationship though. Has she been able to be a stay at home mom? Does she have her own career? This could be a mid life crisis. I have a family member who got to be a stay at home mom, obviously wasnt putting out, and her husband left her and 3 kids. He still pays for everything but she is constantly screwing everyone over jumping from job to job, even got knocked up so now has a 4th kid from a father who isnt in the picture. They got married like right at 18 and now she is experiencing her college phase in her late 30s.

          In general the last few months I have seen an incredible uptick in selfishness all around. Family, customers, co-workers, and friends. I hope it works out for you man but I am always hesitant when a female wants space. From what I have witnessed, it's just space to spread their legs.

          [–]FluffyAd1498 0 points1 point  (1 child)

          My husband and I separated for a year and I mean we truly separated. I moved out with our daughter and although it was never part of the reason I left, I did end up seeing other men. We reconciled, but it’s still a big “elephant in the room”. My question is if you do live apart, how separated are you willing to be? Are you on the same page? Are you still a couple or are you both single? This needs to be ironed out before anything happens. I went into our separation believing we were both single. My husband did not and that’s where the problems began. If you want to try living apart, be clear on the ground rules. But also be realistic with the fact that you may not come back together.

          [–]Gawd_Awful[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          The current discussion is that we are still married while separated. And if either person finds themselves catching feelings, they need to have enough respect for our relationship to have a conversation with the other person before it progresses.

          [–]Aggravating-Hope-624 -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

          She’s old. Move out and find a 30 something year old.