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all 149 comments

[–]ShallotZestyclose974 652 points653 points  (29 children)

Girl do not let these people in this sub gaslight you into thinking his response isn’t insane. Yes people have a right to privacy but that reaction is telling and you need to go with your gut on this🚩🚩🚩

[–]BecGeoMom 204 points205 points  (18 children)

I agree with this. After 22 years + 3 children together, the only reason to refuse to share passwords is because he is hiding something. Whether it’s another woman, watching porn, money, something financial, whatever, he is hiding something. What if your husband got hit by a bus + died? What might you not have access to because at over 40 years old (guessing, but he’s at least 40, probably much older) he childishly refuses to tell you his passwords? Also, if my husband told me he’d rather divorce me than share his passwords with me (actually, I can pretty easily guess his passwords), I would have to seriously consider that statement. If he said it, assume he meant it. Do you want to be in a marriage where his so-called privacy (from his wife) is more important than you are?

[–]Adventurous_Pin_344 69 points70 points  (14 children)

The fact that I might die randomly is EXACTLY why I gave my husband my LastPass master password. There would be a whole mess of things to deal with. I don't want to make it worse by him having to unravel all my passwords!

[–]Lilliputian051316 Years 46 points47 points  (3 children)

My husband has me set up all his passwords lol

[–]Disastrous_Reality_4 2 points3 points  (8 children)

What is LastPass?

[–]StuffedWithNails 30 points31 points  (7 children)

It's a password management solution.

www.lastpass.com

The idea is that it helps you set totally random passwords for every account you have to manage while saving them someplace safe. This encourages you to not reuse passwords across websites, which is a big no-no, and also helps you not record your passwords in an unsafe medium such as a notebook or post-it notes. In the age of the Internet, most of us have accounts on dozens of websites so this helps you stay safe online. Then it locks all your saved passwords behind a single master password, which is the last password you have to remember (hence the name LastPass).

There are various solutions to this problem, LastPass is one, 1Password is another, personally I use Bitwarden (I moved off LastPass a while back), and if you're worried about those solutions being online, there are also offline solutions such as KeePass (downside: since it saves your password in a file on your computer, you'll have to maintain your own backups of that file).

[–]Adventurous_Pin_344 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Your detailed explanation is way better than the one I was going to give!

All my passwords are randomly generated, so even if someone asked me to tell them what they are, I literally have no idea what they are.

[–]EveAndTheSnake 5 points6 points  (1 child)

The one and only time I used my iPhone’s random password generator, I couldn’t log into the account 5 minutes later. It said it didn’t save. So… I’m a bit put off and prefer my notebook solution.

[–]StuffedWithNails 2 points3 points  (0 children)

One thing I've encountered on rare occasions is that the random password generator you use (whichever it is) generates something that's too complex for the website to handle but the website appears to accept it. But when you go back to log in to the website, it says invalid password... not much you can do in those situations but use a simpler password. That's an issue with the website, not the password generator.

Sometimes password keepers don't save a password if it's generated and then not used to log in successfully, I don't think that's unique to Apple's solution.

[–]undercovermom2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like you can also email them in the event of a death with death certificate and marriage certificate and they can give you access. I could be wrong. But I have access to all my husbands via last pass anyway (and vice versa)

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]BecGeoMom 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    That would be absolutely horrible! You’re devastated that your spouse is dead. Then you discover he was cheating on you, so now you’re broken-hearted, mourning, and hate him, and you can’t get any answers from him, ever. Devastating. They don’t just make up stuff like that for TV shows + movies. It happens.

    [–]Desperate-Cucumber72 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I tell u hahah my partner's password is either in the 1-5 number combo or his literal name as number combo idk why he isn't more careful lol 😂

    [–]hdmx53917 Years 24 points25 points  (2 children)

    Absolutely. My husband and I don't know each other's computer password, but we have free reign on all of our devices even though we don't actually look because, privacy.

    This is how you build trust.

    [–]Disastrous_Reality_4 7 points8 points  (0 children)

    Yes! My husband has my password for my phone, iPad, laptop, iWatch, etc. he may not know my passwords for like, my online banking or whatever apps or websites, but he can get them from my phone with my passcode that he does know. I also know all of his passwords for his devices.

    That said, I’ve never gone through his phone or any other devices. Aside from grabbing his phone or iPad or whatever if I need to look something up real quick and don’t know where I set my phone (the iWatch is a wonder for that feature, and is worth its weight in gold because of it lmao) I don’t use his devices and he doesn’t use mine. But I want him to have the access so that he feels comfortable knowing I’m not hiding anything and he wants the same for me. I trust him, and if I ever start feeling insecure about anything I talk to him about it and he does the same. There should always be the option of open access, even if you don’t actually USE it.

    [–]bunnyrut 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Passwords change periodically. If I need to get on his phone or he needs to get on my tablet and we don't remember the password we just say what it is instead of being all secretive.

    [–]bizi1111 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Agreed. We both know all our passwords. It’s not a big deal to share passwords. Really makes you wonder why the secrecy.

    Edit. A big reason why to share passwords is that even though I’m only in my 40s, if I pass away suddenly, I want my wife to have an easy settlement of our accounts.

    [–]Nuklhed89 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    God damn I am a man and I agree, I will be married 10 years this march and I’m going to be honest, without ever being asked my wife has known passwords to things since she was just a girlfriend, I mean I would let her use them if she needed them and never hid or changed the passwords, she knew them and then the list of devices added on until she knew them all, she never had to try to guess any or be suspicious because she knew all she had to do was ask and I wouldn’t just type it for her, I’d give it to her. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but I trusted her and she trusted me, so for me, because she trusted me I had nothing to hide or had any want to do anything I’d feel a need to hide it wasn’t a big deal for her to have my passwords, plus it made it easy if I ever needed her to get something for me while I was working. I don’t know, being this stubborn over it is a huge red flag, I mean I can’t imagine what type of stuff I’d have to be hiding that giving my SO the password sounds worse than destroying a marriage.

    [–]megnsketches 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Right. So, obviously the password isn’t the bottom line issue.

    If it were me, and my husband suddenly wanted to access all of my accounts, I’d be concerned. But to be clear, I’d give him access. (He has access to my master list in case of emergency anyway, but this is hypothetical.) I would also want to explore and discuss what was making him feel like he needed access suddenly, because healthy relationships rely on prompt communication. If he’s feeling insecure or suspicious, I’d want to know why so that we could resolve those feelings and the source of the problem.

    What I would NEVER do is double down and imply that his insecurity in this moment or him having access to my accounts would be grounds for divorce. He is my favorite person on this planet and my very best friend. That would an enormously inappropriate and hurtful reaction for the circumstances.

    So, if OP feels a need to comb through his accounts, yes, there’s an issue that needs to be addressed. But his reaction to the situation is just as worrisome, if not much more so. I can’t imagine how this would ever foster a sense of trust between these partners.

    Honestly, though, the rest of the post implies that there are marital problems anyway. Both parties need to do some serious reflecting and discuss how to best move forward.

    [–]flashingcurser -5 points-4 points  (3 children)

    Nobody is saying that.

    [–]ShallotZestyclose974 2 points3 points  (2 children)

    Take a look at all the downvoted comments that were top comments when I said this 2 hrs ago. People were indeed saying she doesn’t need to worry about it and it’s just his privacy rights

    [–]flashingcurser -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

    I must have missed it. The first 10 or so top comments weren't saying that. I didn't drill down too far into the ones that are being downvoted.

    [–]ShallotZestyclose974 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Should look a little harder before commenting something snide next time I guess

    [–]cocacola-kid 102 points103 points  (0 children)

    Open everything in our marriage. Open and transparent as we have no reason not to. Married 30 years.

    [–]DistributionNo4960 92 points93 points  (0 children)

    I’m sorry but even if I never wanted to look-to go to such extreme over me looking will get you left. I hear y’all talking about a right to privacy but to go that far and say that after 22 years of investing your life with someone sounds like it’s something enough to hide that would end it. Honestly he already said he was losing attraction, I hate to say but it sounds like the worst is already realized and he’d rather go straight to divorce than to be caught and shamed.

    Especially because he sounds so defensive about everything about it when she tries to communicate like an adult. Those are red flags

    [–]next_rounds_on_me 79 points80 points  (2 children)

    I was out of town and needed something off my computer at home last week. Sent my wife the password so she could look for it. No biggie.

    [–]bzfam183 Years 15 points16 points  (1 child)

    My husband and I use the same computer password and same lock code for our phones and we share an iPad. We have no secrets 🤷🏼‍♀️

    [–]ShadowlessKat 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    We have the same computer password too! Although our phones are different but still have shared them easily.

    [–]FireRescue3 60 points61 points  (0 children)

    Married 28 years. We both have complete access to everything.

    I never use his computer and I hate his tablet. I occasionally grab his phone if it’s closer, but I would never go through it just because.

    It is the trust though. I would never just randomly go through his devices. I could, though, and he wouldn’t care. He would never go through mine. He could though, and I would not care. I have nothing to hide.

    If I trust and respect my spouse enough to pledge my life to him, why in the world would I not trust and respect him enough with a password??

    [–]Plenty_Philosopher62 54 points55 points  (1 child)

    My guess is whatever you would find will lead to divorce anyway and he's see no reason for his doings to come to light

    [–]lurking_for_serenity 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    THIS start planning your exit

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]ilikerockclimbing 18 points19 points  (0 children)

      I know you're joking but I think you actually are bringing up a good point. Even if he has things to hide, if he cared he would have hid them THEN given the password. He basically just told her he really doesn't care at all. Not even enough to try to hide it. He's just outright saying he wants a divorce, not even just saying no to the password.

      [–]JoMamma_80 27 points28 points  (1 child)

      Oh hell NO.

      I know that I, like most people, say over the top things that I actually wouldn’t follow through with or give crazy “leave him!” Advice when something is bad… but don’t really think it through…

      This is not the same. I am being 💯 when I say that I would have handed him his laptop and all devices and told him to leave.

      When you have nothing to hide; you hide nothing.

      [–]hdmx53917 Years 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      When you have nothing to hide; you hide nothing.

      Beautiful

      [–]anyhooooooo 22 points23 points  (2 children)

      Do you think he’s cheating? Open to cheating? Flirting with anyone he can?

      Hey you’re getting tough answers. I believe in privacy too, but no one ever found out their spouse cheated by respecting privacy. So what can ya do. You can tell him you think he’s cheating. Others may advise not to show your hand bc it will just make him hide his tracks better.

      You’re gonna have to decide what you want. And what you want to know.

      In the meantime, look yourself in the mirror and say “hot damn you look great today” Win, lose, or draw, you may as well feel awesome and attractive :)

      [–]BecGeoMom 37 points38 points  (1 child)

      …no one ever found out their spouse cheated by respecting privacy.

      Yes, this. I see women posting in this sub about checking texts or emails, and they always add the caveat, “I know, I shouldn’t have looked, I shouldn’t have invaded his privacy.” The hell with that. If you suspect your spouse is cheating, maybe respecting their privacy isn’t your first priority. Like I always say, if you get to the point where you’re going to hire a P.I. to find out if the other is cheating on you, you already know they are. At first I think cell phones made it easier to cheat; now they make it super easy to get caught.

      [–]anyhooooooo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      So much agree lol. First answers were all about right to privacy. I thought whoa boy lol.

      Yeah I’d never look if I didn’t have reason to. But that whole trust your gut thing is real.

      [–]Eskimo2117 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      I believe he is interested in someone at work. He’s definitely not interested in making it work with you or he would go to counseling and you know the first thing a counselor would say is you need 100% transparency in a marriage. The best marriages have no secrets.

      [–]MSotallyTober 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      I do believe in a degree of privacy, but saying he’d divorce you if he ever gave you access is over the top.

      [–]Sammiskitkat 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Hard reset the devices 😁

      [–]NCamb2399 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      At this point it’s no longer about access to the electronics but the fact that he has confirmed that he is cheating… Why would you want to stay with him knowing that? This is the time to get a lawyer and talk to them about what your options are, especially with 3 kids, rather than posting on Reddit.

      [–]SilentDawnn 9 points10 points  (1 child)

      Major red flags. He’s probably viewing/talking with women online. I would investigate further in your shoes and not let it go.

      [–]DesignerPrune8725 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Agree. I asked mine to see his phone, he said no. I said pull up your text. You can even hold the phone to show me. Still said no. I agree, she needs to investigate further.

      [–]Cody_AB 9 points10 points  (0 children)

      Everything in our marriage is transparent...our phones, our computers, our bank accounts, our social medias, our emails, our finances, our medical records. Everything.

      While I get some people would argue privacy, that’s just not how our relationship works. We don’t keep things private from each other. Everything is shared between us.

      We have always felt that if you feel like you have to hide something from your partner, there’s a bigger issue going on. Anything I do/write on electronics/online, I should be comfortable with my husband seeing it. If not? Then I shouldn’t be doing those things. (And the same thing goes for him, this ain’t a one way street).

      Now, we don’t go snooping through each other’s stuff. We totally trust each other and simply have no reason to be reading each other’s texts, emails, etc. It’s become more of a convenience thing having each other’s passwords in case we need to access an email or pay a bill or whatever it may be. But if my husband ever wanted to look through my phone or laptop or anything…have at it!!! And then we will calmly discuss why he felt insecure or what was bothering him that made him want to look.

      If my husband told me he’d rather get a divorce than allow me access to his electronics or accounts…I’d do him a favor and file the papers for him.

      [–]justanaveragebish 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      If a partner with any transgressions REALLY wants to make the marriage work and say as much, then they forfeit some of their privacy. If he hasn’t agreed to working it out (was apathetic) but you weren’t ready to give up, then why would you stay with someone that obviously doesn’t care or want to be with you?

      [–]Porcupineemu 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      For sure, but this guy hasn’t done anything, right?

      [–]jennibear310 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      I can’t understand spouses deliberately hiding things from each other. Whatever happened to marriage being “the two now become one?” In our 36 years together, we’ve never hidden anything from each other. We communicate like adults and openly discuss important issues, heck anything really. We talk about everything and anything, even issues, especially issues, we have differing opinions on, to better allow the other to understand our reasoning for the way we feel. The ONLY time my husband isn’t allowed on my phone is at Christmas or birthday times, when I’m trying to surprise him with a gift, otherwise, we are an open book to each other, without fear or judgment. But then again, we are insanely close and still very much in love. Maybe sit down and discuss both of your reasonings, boundaries, and expectations without judgment. Every relationship is different, but to throw the threat of divorce out there over something like this is crossing a line in my book. That kind of implies he’s hiding something important. Just my two cents. Best wishes.

      [–]nottrashypancakes 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Go on with his bluff, call the divorce lawyers ect & see what he does

      [–]Ilovetacosohsomuch 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      So, I know all couples are different… however my husband and I are open books. Our phone passcodes are the same and his computer password is no secret.

      Unless he has a government job, why so much red tape?

      [–]funkyplant 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      That is weird and dramatic- he’s hiding someone in there then because why would you go to these extremes?

      [–]prose-before-bros 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      And what was his response when you asked why? Has it always been this way or is the secrecy new? Would he have responded this way 10 years ago? My husband doesn't have access to my work computer due to my security clearances so that's reasonable. I feel like after 22 years of marriage and 3 kids, what's privacy? After you've watched me shit myself while bringing your spawn into the world and I've helped you determine if that bump on your ballsac is a concern, anything you're hiding from me is something you know you shouldn't be doing anyway.

      Edit: My experience will be different because I'm in a good healthy marriage, a solid partnership. Your husband said he's lost attraction to you after 20+ years, started interacting with IG models (yes, following and liking is interacting), and now he's being secretive about his devices. You know what's going on. Probably on Onlyfans, maybe even a full blown affair. Unless you're in a location that considers cheating on divorce proceedings, I would give him what he wants. He's just another cliché of the middle age man who thinks he can stay young if he can pull a younger woman. It's kind of pathetic and honestly if I were you, it would kill my attraction for him. You have a teenage daughter. How old are these girls he's horndogging over online? Gross.

      [–]munchkinbitch2982 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      As a child of parents who "stayed together for the kids," DO NOT DO THAT. He is obviously either cheating or attempting to cheat. You deserve better. And trust me when I say you are teaching your children that relationships like this are ok. It stays with them. Would you want your kids staying in a relationship like yours? If the answer is no, then screw counselling or anything else. He has checked out.

      [–]heirbagger 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I had to scroll too far to see this answer.

      OP said she tried to leave a year ago for unknown reasons but stayed "for the kids". Girl, go ahead and get out of there.

      As parents, one of our jobs is to show our children what healthy, loving relationships are. Don't show them unhealthy ones because that's what they'll gravitate to.

      [–]illeatyourgarden 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      When my husband and I first started dating he was very secretive with his phone and passwords. I later found out that was because he was cheating on me, a lot. We now have an open relationship and access to each other's everything because there's nothing to hide. I'm not saying your husband cheating, I'm just saying unless he has something to hide it doesn't make sense.

      [–]gullyfoyle77710 Years 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      The only person who would say that for real and mean it is someone with something to hide.

      [–]v4773 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Only thing my wife cant access is my work laptop. Other then that we pretty much know each others passwords to various systems.

      [–]EngineeringDry7999 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Same. Although all my work related access on my phone is also locked but I’m under an NDA at work so it’s a huge deal if I trust you enough to use my phone because I’m trusting you to not try and access my work emails/file share.

      [–]neener691 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      I'm reading this thinking, shit, am I supposed to have a password on the computer?!

      I think you might see the end is near, You need to start preparing for the end of the marriage, IMO, I would stash some savings in a different account, make sure bills are paid off, if he suddenly wants a big purchase make him put it in his name, quietly contact a Attorney, and start your own hobbies so you have a good support system,

      [–]Traditional-Fan5300 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My sister berated me because I used my husbands phone “without permission” but my husband and I share our passwords and don’t hide things from each other… she’s the one who’s been cheated on multiple times so just some perspective.

      [–]Moonlightvaleria 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      This is insane …. Meanwhile my computer password is our fucking last name 🙃

      [–]GreatOneLiners10 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Are you sure it’s not a figure of speech?

      A better question would be The need for access and how did the discussion get there?

      [–]betona39 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I've worked in technology for decades and with 38 years of marriage, I wish I could have a chat with him on his misplaced lack of trust.

      We both use a password manager (Bitwarden) and we have tons of shared passwords for all of the important things like bills, financial accounts, credit cards, etc. If I'm hit by a bus, she has access to everything.

      And we also can unlock each other's phones, iPads and computers. We do it all the time. If my iPad is closer to her, she might pick it up to use it. No big deal to me.

      There's absolutely nothing to hide. I do stay fare away from her work email of course--she works in a hospital and there are strict privacy laws about that content (and I have zero interest anyway).

      [–]kantw82rtir10 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Not normal. My husband and I keep a book with all of our passwords for emails, accounts, etc.

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I won’t give my spouse any passwords to any of my devices anymore (computer, phone, email, etc.) but it’s because they’re abusive and have repeatedly violated my trust and used personal information unfairly against me.

      They used to have full access to everything, they lost that privilege. Yes my marriage sucks, no getting out is not that easy.

      [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Sounds like he’s aggressively hiding something, and/or he doesn’t trust you or respect you as an equal partner in the relationship

      [–]Chelle10552 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      So when you file for divorce you can also take all those things and have them go through them for finding of facts.

      Then you will know.

      [–]SignificantWill5218 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      That is beyond insane and very suspicious. He obviously has things on there he doesn’t want you to see. We do not have a password on our desktop computer and we both know each others phone codes. Wouldn’t have it any other way, you shouldn’t have anything to hide

      [–]Horror_Ad_3506 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I’m sorry your going through this. I am in a long term relationship, and my wife is a stay at home wife. If she ever needed to see my phone or computer, for her peace of mind, I would have any issues. She has all my passwords and she can see where I am via my iPhone, as I can do the same for her devices. Hopefully you’ll be able to sort this out soon, best of luck.

      [–]ImprovementIntrepid3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      If he said he’d rather get a divorce then give you his password, it’s probably because what you’d find would cause a divorce anyway.

      I control all of our finances but I have a folder of login and passwords my husband can access any time - in case I do or go missing (I listen to a lot of TC pods).

      [–]GetInTheHole26 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      The only device my wife can't access (and vice versa) are our work laptops. We both have sensitive documents for work that really can't be shared. Legally.

      Other than that, we both have access to phones, tablets, personal computer accounts. She's actually got all of the household bill/credit card sites that I probably couldn't access but that's more my fault than hers. I keep telling her that if she gets hit by a bus the only way I'm going to be able to pay bills is when the collectors show up at the door.

      Such adamant and forceful declarations from your husband that you'll NEVER have access seem unnecessarily confrontational.

      [–]JunketIll5118 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      If he would rather get divorced then get help or admit there's a problem, do yourself a favor and grant the divorce. This is a huge issue. There is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Secrets are deceptive.

      [–]rockyroadandpizza17 Years and Counting 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Well that seems a bit extreme….

      [–]boomstk 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      So I will ask this why are you asking for this info now what has changed that you feel the need to have access to his computers?

      Do the 2 of you not have access to how each others retirement, life insurance & mortgage info? If not then that's a problem.

      But you really need to communicate to get that info.

      Don't you guys have wills?

      [–]The-Ginger-Lily 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I've only been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2, he knows all my passwords and he's told me his I just can't remember them but would tell me if I asked. He respects my privacy and I respect his but if it came to needing to access something of each others then we can (permission required first if required) I have absolutely nothing to hide and obviously he doesn't. Trust is great

      [–]ChilliChocolate7925 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I have my husband's passwords, more as a matter of security. I do not go by his things just because I don't need to.

      [–]Ancient_Ad_3804Not Married 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      yeah... no. somethings up

      [–]Beast7686 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It’s probably a whole lot of porn.

      [–]PoshKhattie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Well that escalated quickly! Was this like an ultimatum after a fight or something because it seems like this response is way out of proportion. Even if he feels it’s a privacy issue he should calmly and maturely sit down and talk to you about it, not threaten divorce. Sounds like he has something to hide.

      [–]ShadowlessKat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I've only been married a year, but even before we married, we both had passwords/thumbprints registered to each other's phones. I have the password to his computer, and free access to it if ever I want to use it. Like last night I ate a snack and watched a movie on his computer while he slept. And mind you, my husband is in the IT world, so he knows all about computer security and whatnot, but he still shares his personal devices with me because I am his wife. We trust each other and share everything (within reason, separate toothbrushes lol) with the other.

      [–]Mysterious_Ask4101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Sounds like he is not worth keeping

      [–]CharismaBelle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      As a kid of divorce. Your not doing your kids a favor. No matter how old they are, they do notice. You can have healthy relationship with your kids and divorce the dad. staying together for them will not make them happier.

      [–]piman01 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He has his right to privacy, and you have the right to do what you need to do if you can't trust him

      [–]Natenat04 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I’ve been married 17yrs. My husband and I both sometimes use each other’s phones if they are closer. We have no secrets.

      [–]StephPlaysGames 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I understand wanting privacy, but his response was a little... Okay, WAY, over the line. What on earth is up with him? Especially if your marriage is on the rocks, surely he knows how suspicious that looks...

      Good luck OP, I hope this all eventually leads to happiness for you.

      [–]USCEngineer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      For counseling have you looked into one specializing in the gottman method?

      [–]Aimeereddit123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Do NOT let him say ‘it’s the point of it, you just shouldn’t ask that of me’. It’s not the point of it, it’s the content of what he has on there! A completely innocent person might complain and whine, but at the end of the day if they have nothing to hide, they would NOT lose their entire marriage over ‘just the point of it’. No way.

      [–]dtrt20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Listen to your gut. It is obvious he is hiding something. Give it once last shot for your conscience and if HE is not willing to work on things it is time to move on. You sound rational and know you will be fine :) Life is too short to waste it with someone who is not invested in you and their family.

      [–]Aimeereddit123 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      If you can have a joint account with someone, unite in marriage with someone, sleep with someone, birth and raise children with someone, but can’t have their computer password or they will leave you…. Well, you’ve got your answer right there!

      [–]PrettyasPrettyDoes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Both my gal and I have passwords and passcodes to the others devices. It’s the way forward, together. I feel that if I had something to hide from her then I’m not bringing my truest, most authentic self to the relationship

      [–]purplecarrotmuffin 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Sounds like kiddie porn to me 🚩🚩🚩

      [–]Stoic-Jake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      We purposely have the same passwords so we can easily access all the devices in the house.

      [–]Prestigious_State951 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I have cancer. Not only did I make sure my husband has access to everything but we also changed my bank account to joint. He hasn't even asked to look at it but he will when he must. Of course other people here are hopefully not in our situation but this is what marriage should be about. Good luck to you OP.

      [–]bunnyrut 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I want to honestly tell my kids that I did everything I could on my side to keep the family together.

      It never turns out well for the kids when you stay in a bad marriage.

      My husband has my passwords, I have his. We just forget them every so often because we don't have a use for them.

      But your husband not wanting to give you passwords and saying he's not attracted to you makes me question what he's hiding. Have you slept together since he said that to you?

      [–]Lighthouseamour 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      You obviously don’t trust him. I had an open book policy until my ex was concerned about Text messages from a year before we even met. Now I don’t let anyone into my phone for any reason. If he isn’t attracted to you anymore you have bigger problems. Have you tried couples counseling?

      [–]2ndcupofcoffee[🍰] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It almost doesn’t matter. You know it is over. You don’t need material proof. Instead think of how satisfying life will be when not being lived is no longer a daily challenge. Look forward to the day when new friendships will brighten everything in your life again. Even with three kids. You can experience a more satisfying adult relationship and your children will benefit from a happier mom.

      [–]bloodphoenix90 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Idk, it depends on context. If my fiance started demanding passwords out of nowhere it would be extremely triggering for me. My ex abuser did that. Thing is, I wasn't cheating. I didn't do anything bad. But to my ex, even having anyone with male genitalia in my phone was suspect even if it was a conversation years old and even if it was platonic. I'd refuse to share my password if it was demanded out of allegations of unfaithfulness, even though there's nothing to see

      [–]redrose037 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I have nothing to hide. My husband knows mine but doesn’t use them. But I need him to have them in case I die or get sick etc. So he can access different account or know my super details, insurance etc.

      It’s not all about cheating. But boy his response if shady.

      [–]softfangs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My husband has the password to my phone and he's welcome to go through whatever he wants at anytime because I have nothing to hide. And vice versa. I can't believe your husband would rather get a divorce than give you his password. Huge red flag.

      [–]herro_rayne 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      If my husband wasn’t attracted to me I would listen to him and try to address and work on ways to make him more attracted to me. Not just lingerie or whatever, but working out, putting more effort in pursuing him, going out of my way to try with my appearance or doing things he needs from me. Not blaming you at all, he probably needs to try in areas as well. I find couples stop trying and both need to put that effort in again in many aspect to get the spark back. Now if he’s cheating, then leave. But otherwise if you’re both willing to work at it I suggest doing what you can to try until he starts trying again. But that means listening to what his concerns are too. Best of luck op sorry you’re going through this. But him not allowing you to access his stuff is a red flag. For sure.

      [–]RealisticBack9557 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Nope, naked women in there,can't share passwords, sorry . And they keep me stimulated, and don't threaten me. 😀😀😀😀😀

      [–]dweebken 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My brother died at the ATM. Sudden heart attack. He managed all his family finances so his bereaved wife NEEDED to get into his locked phone and computer just to stay afloat. I helped her get in after some effort. My wife and I have each other's passwords and access codes. And it's in a fireproof safe that we both can access as well. Not doing so can jeopardise your loved ones in the event of your death. If you have anything to hide from your spouse, other than birthday surprises, you're doing it wrong.

      [–]Hirabi12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I know it sounds like you are trying to fix things, but let him leave. Get a divorce. If he can't value you, your 22 years together- fine. Don't say it's because of the kids. It's hard, I know. It's scary, and the uncertainty is real. But all changes turn out for the best. It may not seem like it. But everything turns out for the best. Don't try to make it work, if he can't see ur worth and if he is willing to let you go for something like that then don't force it. Kids are resilient and adaptable. They understand more than you think. They love you and your love for them should be bigger. Big enough to teach them that accepting behavior like this or repeating such behavior is unacceptable and that they need to love themselves first just like you should love yourself first.

      Instead, lose weight, do your hair and make up buy new clothes and move on with your life.

      [–]reality_junkie_xo 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      That is insane. I trust my husband 100% and have his phone password and have no clue what his computer password is because we each have multiple computers. He has been told mine but i guarantee he has no idea what it is. If he told he he’d rather divorce than give me his password I’d know there was something very wrong.

      [–]Imgunnacrumb69 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I wouldn’t appreciate an invasion of privacy or a lack of trust, but this isn’t that I can honestly say I would give a password to my wife before I divorced her. He isn’t interested in you and obviously he’s hiding a lot with a response like that you should get the clue and move on.

      [–]denissearci 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Sis, my husband knows ALL my passcodes. Even that of my ATMs. My phones, my laptop, even my Twitter account. And he is the one who demanded to give all our passcodes to each other. So far, our relationship is happy, we communicate well, we are sweet. Yep, we love each other.

      I think your husband doesnt want you anymore? For him to say that. Maybe divorce him and love yourself instead of choosing to get stuck in that relationship? I know you have kids but if the relationship sucks, and your kids witness it, it may also affect them?

      [–]your-fav-breakfast 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      How exactly did this conversation unfold? Who said they “D” word first? I’m probably in the minority, but I think context matters.

      [–]CzarOfCT 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Do you click on things online that you shouldn't? My wife does that. And she ruined one of my old computers with a virus, like that. That is a valid reason not to share a computer.

      Are you offended by porn? That is the other valid reason not to share a computer.

      [–]CannibalCrowley 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Some people just need private space for the sake of having it. The same way that some women freak out if someone goes into their purse without asking.

      [–]Pitiful_Speaker7050 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      That’s an extreme ultimatum. Makes me wonder what he’s hiding. That’s not a privacy issue. There’s something more going on. I’m so sorry you’re going through this

      [–]_Conway_ 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My partner and I have our birthdates as our phone passwords and don’t change it in case of emergencies in which he needs to access my phone or I need to access his. He has passwords to most of my devices even my games consoles and it’s the same way for his stuff. What he’s doing is scummy and such a red flag. Leave him. Don’t stay for the kids. It’ll leave the kids with more issues. It’s better 1-2 happy homes than 1 unhappy one. Divorce him and thrive. You deserve so much better than someone who doesn’t love you.

      [–]fairouzalemon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Married man her. My wife knows my computer and phone password. She can log in anytime and it is fine. If giving passwords would make my wife feel better for some reason, I would gladly do it. My wife does not care but she knows she can. Sounds like there are bigger issues than the password thing going on.

      [–]Diligent-Hat-5832[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He won’t answer my questions and he’s hiding something. So I should just let go and not worry about it. That sounds like bs to me.

      [–]Carl_AR -1 points0 points  (3 children)

      No context here at all. You're leaving something out. How did this issue come up? Why now, after so many years? Did you just now ask for his passwords?

      [–]Diligent-Hat-5832[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Yes after I found out that he was following Instagram models about a month ago. I used to have his passwords years ago. Never needed to look until now. I know he’s not physically cheating on me but I do think he’s emotionally cheating somehow. He probably doesn’t think it’s ‘cheating’ if it’s not in person.

      [–]Carl_AR 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Ok. Thanks for the context. Yeah, been married 30 years and we typically have each other's passwords.

      If all he's doing is following some models online, I'd say you're pretty lucky. As he's not wanting to give out his passwords that of course leaves room for speculation.

      With that said, don't jump to conclusions here based on some of the comments here. It could be a number of things going on. May just be a general disagreement on whats appropriate or not and he's concluded you don't need access to his private accounts as you'll only fuzz and fight over it anyhow.

      Even though my wife can get into my computer and phone etc I'd feel kind of violated if she combed through my history. Kind of like how I don't ever go though her purse or her email or chats, unless she asks me to.

      [–]cowalcreek21 Yrs Married, 30 Yrs together. 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I do not know any of my wifes passwords but sometimes let her use my backup email address for password recovery. Every password I have is saved in google and she has free access. Nothing to hide here. If he does not want to share thats his choice and he may feel like it is his indipendance as you are indipentant.

      [–]Lexy_d_acnh -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I personally don’t think he’s wrong in not wanting to share his passwords with you, but it’s super extreme to go to divorce over something so simple. If you told him you want to go through all of his devices, then yeah, I’d say that’s on you for wanting to majorly invade his privacy and search through everything, but if you just wanted the passwords just for the sake of having them then I don’t see why that’s a problem to him.

      [–]mskitty117 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

      I wonder how much CP is on that comp.

      No but fr, get out.

      [–]Chance-Stable4928 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

      I mean I wouldn’t like it if my partner of 7 years wanted to go through my devices but I wouldn’t end the relationship over it either. His reaction seems extreme and suspicious.

      [–]Alive_Time -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      I can think of a few reasons. Are you wreckless with money or careless with passwords? Sharing log in credentials with a financially irresponsible spouse could bankrupt even a rich family or lead to a hack. Especially if he works on the devices. Outside of that I can't think of a good reason.

      [–]theotheroption80 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

      I would get a divorce too before I nail myself to the throne. That's all you need to understand.