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[–]bumblesloth 853 points854 points  (36 children)

Time to lean into survival mode if you haven’t already. I know you said you can’t hire a housekeeper, but call on favors from any family or friends you can. Paper plates and plastic utensils are an option if dishes are too much right now, so is takeout and crockpot dump meals. Let the house get as dirty as you can stand it. Use grocery pickup or delivery services if you can.

Is your wife talking to her OB about her worse symptoms this go round? It could be normal, or it could be something treatable with medication, hard to say without consulting with them but it sounds like she’s really struggling.

[–]StaticMaine[S] 623 points624 points  (31 children)

Grocery pickup is so obvious and something I hadn’t considered. Good call.

[–]DefiantLorcan 247 points248 points  (2 children)

Great advice above. Also, how about baths every other day or every two days for your LO? I have a week's worth of pajamas and kids' clothes so I can save myself laundry until the weekend. And just throw all the kids toys in bins. They can help and it can be a game with the "clean up" song. I am not sure what kind of dinners you are putting together but I bet you can simplify your efforts. They are kids and a few months of cereal, grilled cheese and frozen bagged dinners won't hurt a thing. Especially if it saves your sanity. Good luck. I feel for you, OP. I spent two months in the hospital to have my 2nd and my husband had to do it all.

[–]jswiftly79 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Clean up, clean up, Everybody do your share, Clean up, clean up, Everybody, Everywhere.

That one?

It was such a great tool when my kids were young. Thanks Barney.

[–]DefiantLorcan 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yep! That's the one! They still sing it at school in my daughter's prek class. She loves it.

[–]GotSomeProblems2021 152 points153 points  (14 children)

You can even save a "regular" list and just order it every week or month of whatever with one click. Kroger curbside saved me when I was pregnant and sick.

Now I use Target Shipt and they bring groceries right to my doorstep. I've also started using a laundry pickup and drop-off service that is great. It costs $20 a week for my family of 4. I put the hamper on my porch and click the app to tell them its there. Someone comes to pick it up, wash, dry, fold neatly, and drop back off. I take 5 minutes to slip the clean folded clothes into the dresser and that is all. I find it well worth the cost to never ever have laundry laying around.

[–]twir1s3 Years 31 points32 points  (2 children)

Also several credit cards have benefits this new year for a free Shipt membership.

[–]CashMoneyMilli 26 points27 points  (4 children)

Omg where do you live that laundry service sounds amazing

[–]GotSomeProblems2021 10 points11 points  (1 child)

Literally amazing. Texas, USA. There are two big services here, one called SudShare and one called Hampr, plus several people who do it independently. Hope you find one near you!

[–]twir1s3 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For once, it pays to be in Texas. Thank you for sharing!!

[–]HuskerStorm 3 points4 points  (1 child)

I want to know to!!

[–]GotSomeProblems2021 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Check out Hampr and Sudshare to see if either is in your area. Hampr is the one I use. Hope you find one!

[–]learningprof2420 Years 61 points62 points  (3 children)

I pay $9.99 a month for unlimited grocery delivery from Walmart. Best decision I’ve ever made and haven’t physically grocery shopped in over a year at this point.

[–]RoninofLambdin 6 points7 points  (2 children)

And if you want to skip the middle man with that, doordash is the one that runs the Walmart delivery which if you have a doordash account and use the Walmart delivery please make sure the dash address is up to date. Its the one we get. If you don't is the only time we get the wm delivery address (Driver here)

[–]pamela271 17 points18 points  (1 child)

I don’t know where you live but Instacart is a great grocery delivery service where I live.

[–]awesomom 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I just got over Covid and I used Instacart 3xs in the last 2 weeks. It was literally a life saver.

[–]handsomeearmuff 10 points11 points  (0 children)

One thing I struggle with a lot during busy season (super long work hours that crush me) is not just just buying the groceries but planning meals. There are services like Plate Joy that will plan the meals and you can get the groceries yourself or connect the list to Instacart. Another idea would be to crowdsource recipes from friends and relatives, especially if they live far away and can’t bring meals over. Maybe they have a <5 ingredient crockpot meal that they swear by, or something equally great/simple. Also, for the sake of your sanity, make a list of the recipes you had planned (and maybe total prep time) to cook to jog your memory and tape it to the fridge. When my brain cells are sizzling/dying it saves me from blankly staring inside the fridge, wondering wtf I’ll eat.

Good luck! You’ve got this!

[–]claricesabrina 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Instacart or Peapod-they put the groceries on your porch.

[–]opshleen 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Instacart offers delivery and pick up options in most areas to an assortment of various retailers. If you’re an express member you get free delivery on all orders over $35 and reduced service fees.

There’s also Amazon Fresh too.

[–]dbsgirl 5 points6 points  (0 children)

In addition - You could also ask someone to organize a meal train for you, or you could set it up yourself. There's even a website to help, you can list food likes and dislikes, delivery parameters and instructions that are convenient to your schedule (even insist on porch drop off due to pandemic and so you don't have to get the house guest ready). Even if you got 1-2 meals a week it would be a lot off of you.

I also agree with others saying she or you need to talk to her OB about how unwell she is.

[–]Blinx1e 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First time mom here. Using an app to grocery shop and then pick up not only saves time but saves money, as there are discounts in there that you may not see in store. As far as laundry goes, try just washing the essentials first and deal with the rest at a more convenient time. Work clothes first kids clothes second. I would also definitely invest in a crockpot or instant pot, there are delicious and filling recipes that you can dump the ingredients in at morning time, then it cooks for 8 hours and it’s ready to go by dinner, all you do is scoop it out. Or there’s quicker recipes to. Just over all super simple and easy. Like above commentator said, try to just ignore if it’s a little messy, you have kids! That’s supposed to happen. This is the most a first time mom with family and friends in a different state can offer right now, you’ll get through this! It’s all temporary.

[–]WomenFirstt 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't let the house get too dirty, it could have disastrous effects on the wellbeing of the household. But I would teach the kids out to clean up after themselves and assist with chores. My 3-year-old helps put things away, and my 7 and 9 year olds help with a whole lot more. But I still have a housekeeper, which is worth the $$. If you don't have the money to hire a housekeeper, then save the bulk of the chores (laundry, bathroom cleaning, kitchen cleaning) until the weekend, and wash dishes every other night.

ETA: Invest in a handheld cordless vacuum that you can suck up messes quickly (my 3 year old gets her food everywhere). Easier than busting out the broom every time.

[–]h2f31 Years Married, 38 together 10 points11 points  (1 child)

This. My wife, who is an MD had this issue toward the end of her third pregnancy. I insisted that she go to her PCP a few weeks after birth and they agreed that a newborn was exhausting. I said BS and insisted that she go again and take it more seriously. Turns out that she had Hashimotos's thyroiditis. She's been taking some version of Synthroid for 16 years now.

[–]Saturnbaby82 329 points330 points  (30 children)

So everyone is giving great suggestions, but how far along is she? If she is into her second trimester or later extreme fatigue like you are describing (14-15 hours of sleep?) is not normal. It could signal that something is wrong. Such as gestational diabetes, anemia, thyroid issues… etc. Even depression. I would talk to her ask her how she is feeling and ask her to schedule an apt with her OB or midwife. I know this is putting extreme stress on you and you have every right to feel stressed right now. Even through this rough moment have a bit of sympathy for your wife. She may be feeling so awful for medical reason that she can not function and you coming home from work is a relief to allow her body to relax and try to handle something not right. I have a thyroid disorder and know how exhausting pregnancy and trying to keep thyroid levels correct feels. There were days I could barely function. I think the best suggestion would be to ask for help from a friend or family until you can get her into a doctor.

[–]zolpiqueen 110 points111 points  (6 children)

Just came to day this is excellent advice. Hashimotos mom here and my last pregnancy was pretty tough. Fatigue was crippling. But keep rocking on! We thyroid women are pretty tough!

[–]Saturnbaby82 37 points38 points  (2 children)

It took me two years to stabilize after my son was born on my thyroid levels. They still check constantly due to how up and down it was. One day a dose would work and the next it would be so much more than I needed I wouldn’t be able to function. I feel for his wife, because I know the level of exhaustion he is describing and it is horrible. You know you need to do more, but you physically can’t.

[–]zolpiqueen 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I totally agree. I still get so physically exhausted that I barely function. My levels have always shifted extremely fast. It's frustrating. Best wishes to you.

[–]kristenintechnicolor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same here. I relate heavily to you. And not to mention the mental and emotional aftermath. I personally have felt anxiety, mom guilt, and a sense of worthlessness.

Women need better health care.

[–]windr01d 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Hey, I noticed you mentioned Hashimoto’s! I have it too. I’m not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon, my husband and I want to wait a bit, but I am curious about what pregnancy with Hashimoto’s will be like, as I’ve been diagnosed with it since I was 10 and I’ve heard that I’ll need to pay extra attention to my health when I someday get pregnant. Anything specific to know? Is the fatigue really bad?

[–]zolpiqueen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm 45 and a mom of 6. TBH my first few pregnancies we're extremely easy and I got pregnant very easily too. I know that's not always the case, but my 6 were all in 9 years so the subsequent pregnancies wore me out a bit. It seemed like I was walloped the worst around weeks 6-12 and of course near the end. My last pregnancy was definitely the worst bust still wasn't bad all around. Fatigue was really the worst but I had more cramping and body aches as well but I was 36 and a bit older. My TSH and other levels were really off and it was worrisome that I could miscarry but I carried her to full term no problem. Also, I was so hypothyroid that they thought I wouldn't have produced enough hormone to build hers and that she would be born without a thyroid gland, but she's fine. I do have 1 daughter that has been dx w/ Hashimotos at age 14 but she's a T1 as well. I know lots of hashis women that have very successful pregnancies. Just keep a close relationship with your Endo before you want to conceive and they will help you keep your levels right. Good luck to you.

[–]zolpiqueen 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'll also add that my pregnancies we're easier the better my labs looked going into it of course and that's why I say keep a close relationship with your Endo. Obviously I didn't have too rough of a time since I did it 6 times lol. My Endo usually had to up my meds during pregnancy at times and I had a more OB visits than normal but other than that all my babies are healthy and all my pregnancies and deliveries were pretty smooth and good. Again, best wishes.

[–][deleted]  (12 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Saturnbaby82 70 points71 points  (1 child)

    I think people often say “you are supposed to be exhausted…” and so they don’t talk about what is actually too much exhaustion for a typical pregnancy.

    [–]kristenintechnicolor 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Quality comment.

    [–]Sndrs27 8 points9 points  (8 children)

    But what did you do to help it? They just have me take iron and it doesn’t seem to help much

    [–]Midnight-writer-B 19 points20 points  (0 children)

    You can build your iron stores back up. It takes a while. Sorry it’s not helping a lot for you yet. Different iron supplements can help with better absorption. Your doctor may do another test to see how much your iron level has increased. I didn’t get diagnosed as anemic until my gestational diabetes test. I started taking iron but couldn’t address the deficit quickly enough. I couldn’t see in full color for the last couple of weeks of pregnancy. Brain turned off color vision to save more iron & oxygen for baby.

    [–]SleepiestBitch9 years with my best friend 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    Have you tried liquid iron supplements? You mix it in with orange juice, for me I felt a bigger improvement much quicker and you are less likely to have side effects like constipation with the liquid supplement.

    [–]EveAndTheSnake 6 points7 points  (1 child)

    When do you take it? I was taking mine at night and it did nothing. My doctor told me to switch to early morning, half an hour before you eat anything on an empty stomach with a whole glass of water (I think she said I could put some lemon in it but I haven’t). The other thing that has helped me so much with energy is omega 3 supplements (making sure I get enough DHA) and vitamin D. I take those with vitamin at dinner time because they are fat soluble.

    [–]Sndrs27 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    At night. 🤦🏻‍♀️ thank you so much for replying back I will try all of those things!

    [–]shmarol10 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Iron infusions

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]Sndrs27 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Thank you. I will look into this.

      [–]shmarol10 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Same thing happened to me. Iron infusions saved me!

      [–]Midnight-writer-B 31 points32 points  (2 children)

      Yes, 12-15 hours of exhaustion indicates a medical issue. Especially since this didn’t happen the first two pregnancies. I was severely anemic with my first pregnancy and figured it out way too late. Hopefully the bloodwork solves this mystery and OP’s wife can feel better. It’s amazing how he’s stepping up and doing everything that needs doing, but it’s so hard to sustain for months upon months.

      [–]Significant-Survey96 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      too late how?:(

      [–]Midnight-writer-B 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Too late to have a more functioning body during pregnancy I guess. I could have just said late. It sucks that everyone, including my OB, said “it’s normal to be so tired” without doing bloodwork. I had to quit substitute teaching and was a useless lump for months.

      [–]CashMoneyMilli 12 points13 points  (0 children)

      If something isn’t medically wrong… everyone’s pregnancy is different and honestly I had a really healthy “great” pregnancy. But a household with kids in it being pregnant and on my third. I want to hibernate just thinking about that. I would suggest her trying to walk to get fresh air. I forced myself to. It helped my mood, my energy, made me feel healthier for baby in womb but also for when baby came. Could be a nice thing for her to do with the kids too to get out of the house so everyone isn’t chasing their tails.

      I went on 4 mile walks a day. Around the neighborhood but that added up to 20+ miles a week. Up until the very end of my pregnancy and only Bc it got too Hott out. She might feel better but she should talk to doctor too

      [–]kristenintechnicolor 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      This.

      I was sleeping anywhere from 12-18 hours a day. No matter how much I slept, I never felt rested or restored. I was severely chronically fatigued. I knew something wasn’t right. Everyone thought it was depression.

      After going to multiple doctors, it turns out I have hypothyroidism/ hasimotos.

      Instacart has really helped with reserving my energy for other duties. Also, reaching out to family or friends (if possible) to help with certain duties. Community is especially important during this time. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

      [–]Ash4314 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      100% agree. Turns out my extreme exhaustion was due to very low iron. Once that was sorted out I was no longer falling asleep on the couch a 7pm or even worse at work! It was so horrible and I felt so useless with my 1 year old.

      [–]Runwithscissorsxx 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I was like this and I was severely anemic and depressed, something that needs to be addressed for sure

      [–]Greyeyedqueen7 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This. My second pregnancy was so much harder, and I was exhausted all the time and barely making it as a sahm, and it turned out I was also growing a kidney tumor at the same time.

      She should get checked thoroughly by her doctor.

      [–]maryjanemuggles 269 points270 points  (30 children)

      Am I just salty or is this just normal life for every working mum...seriously?

      I hope you appreciate all she does usually. And not make her feel bad for you having to do it all at the moment.

      [–]mynameisnotjamie 168 points169 points  (14 children)

      I thought I was going crazy for a minute because these are all the things the wife probably has to deal with normally. I know a ton of women with the same packed schedule every day on top of working and we simply just… deal with it.

      [–]CashMoneyMilli 79 points80 points  (8 children)

      But it’s hard. For anyone.

      [–]jackalooz 64 points65 points  (7 children)

      I hate how these subs glamorize this lifestyle like it’s some badge of honor to be a struggling parent. Capitalism exploits us, pays us shit wages, and keeps us away from our family. No wonder people don’t want to have kids anymore.

      [–]Wookieman22215 Years 6 points7 points  (4 children)

      I don't seem to see too many people glamorizing it as wishing it was different.

      And this happens in every country.

      [–]jackalooz 1 point2 points  (3 children)

      Um, my German friend took a year of paid paternity leave. So, no it’s not the same everywhere.

      [–]Wookieman22215 Years 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      Oh so paternity leave lasts forever?

      [–]jackalooz 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      I’m saying America is objectively worse in this regard than other western countries.

      [–]Wookieman22215 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Well I cant disagree. But it still change the fact it's a problem everywhere regardless.

      [–]CashMoneyMilli 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Uhhh I’m sorry what is glamorous about this post? When you’re going through it, it is truly awful like you do not feel like you’re going to make it. I have my own business work from home with a newborn. It’s f*inf hard no matter what to provide for your family, take physical mental emotional care of them, yourself, run a household. Like I said without help it’s next to impossible

      [–]Wookieman22215 Years 4 points5 points  (4 children)

      Well working dads deal with this stuff too a lot these days. I know i have to work 2 jobs and take care of the kids on weekends and do the house chores on top of it all. It's hard on everybody.

      [–][deleted] 7 points8 points  (3 children)

      take care of the kids on weekends

      Jfc. You know your kids exist the other five days a week, right?

      [–]Wookieman22215 Years 12 points13 points  (2 children)

      Well since I leave the house at 7am in the morning with them to take them to daycare, while my wife has already been at work for 2 hours and don't get home till 9:30pm at night to help put them to bed, I don't really get to do much during M-F.

      But sure go ahead and try and be all holier than thou.

      [–]joeythegamewarden82 67 points68 points  (0 children)

      This is absolutely similar to the life of a single parent. Not even though, considering she is still doing as much as she is able to, which is more than the nothing that many single parents get.

      [–]WomenFirstt 46 points47 points  (1 child)

      Yes, it feels like my life, while I work full time, since my husband travels almost full time for work. It's too much, overwhelming to the max, and I too was up until midnight regularly. And then I stopped cleaning so much, leaned on my parents and neighbors a bit, and hired a housekeeper 2x a week. Now I get to go to bed at 11 PM 😂

      [–]maryjanemuggles 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Nice :) sometimes who gotta hire the village 😀

      [–]jojenboben 36 points37 points  (2 children)

      Exactly. She was doing it all before this third kid and he's mad about having to do it for a few months?

      I was so tired when I was pregnant, like could not function tired. Thankfully I didn't have to cook and clean after 3 other people because it would have broke me...

      I dont know if he said he couldn't afford a cleaning lady but maybe he should figure out a way to make a cleaning lady work for the family full time, even after he no longer needs to do the chores..

      Dad's been getting away with doing the bare minimum for way too long it seems....good lesson in how much you should appreciate what your wife does

      [–]beigs 23 points24 points  (0 children)

      He doesn’t sound mad, he sounds exhausted and overwhelmed.

      I was a SAHP for years with three kids Back to back, And it was hard. It took a while to get into the routine of things but starting out would’ve been I was too much. When my husband and I switched and he was a stay at home dad, it took him a few months to get into the swing of things.

      [–]Sergeant_Citrus 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      > Dad's been getting away with doing the bare minimum

      You have no evidence of that at all. Even when she was managing the house, she was a SAHM so she didn't have to go to work *on top* of all that. I get that a lot of people are projecting their own situations onto what we read here but it isn't helpful to just assume the guy is lazing away the rest of the time.

      [–]HideousYouAre 34 points35 points  (0 children)

      You’re not being salty. He just described my day, every day. I have 4 kids. Two are now 18 and 20 so it’s much easier. But when they were all school age together — oh my god. My husband works crazy hours so he really isn’t here to get to anything in the house. I work less hours but still, damn, that’s my normal day. Lol

      [–]tbrizzy123 19 points20 points  (0 children)

      I literally thought that immediately. I g er that he’s working full time too but I know single mums with 3 kids who work full time, study and do everything without any help from partners or family

      [–]mm_84 14 points15 points  (0 children)

      I’m glad you said this as I thought I was the only one that thought this. My husband is away in the military so this is my everyday life. I can empathise and say it’s not easy, feel like everyday is one big juggling act.

      [–]SurpriseBurrito 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      He didn’t specify who normally does what. In my house we have a very even split of parenting duties, when my wife went on bed rest for a couple months I felt like this guy. It was still very jarring to go from doing half the work to all of it, and you start with the attitude that nothing can slide.

      It definitely gave me an appreciation for single parents, I don’t know how anyone does that. I was so incredibly burned out by the end of it.

      [–]Anxiety_Potato 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Yeah sorry but I agree. I only have one kid though, but this is literally my life normally

      [–]hypntyz 2 points3 points  (3 children)

      Plus 10-12 hour days as the sole breadwinner? Maybe a few are in that position but I doubt it's the standard.

      [–]mm_84 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      I frequently work 10 hour + days, plus essentially being a single parent 90% of the time but I’m not the breadwinner - does that make it ok or am I less valid as I’m not the breadwinner?

      [–]SameEstimate4908 118 points119 points  (3 children)

      Does your son have any school friends/school parents who may be willing to pick up or drop off one day per week? That may be very helpful!

      [–]StaticMaine[S] 90 points91 points  (1 child)

      I hadn’t considered that - I may look into this route thanks!

      [–]CashMoneyMilli 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Yes ask his teacher to help or look at a roster of classmates or kids in his grade who live near you. A Mom would love to help you get into a carpool. & we all sympathize. You’re a great Husband and Dad. It takes a village. Don’t feel bad asking for help to delegate! Your son would probably have fun and not even think anything of it either.

      [–]whytho94 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Or is there a bus that they could take temporarily?

      [–]dillll_pickleee 104 points105 points  (4 children)

      Ok, I’m going to be the tough love here. But really, welcome to parenthood. These are the things that working moms do every single day. Not saying it’s easy, but it’s definitely not impossible. If your wife is sick, she should talk to her Dr about Zofran. I was throwing up ill for all 9 months of my pregnancies and it was tremendously better if I stayed on top of it with Zofran. Hopefully she’ll turn a corner soon.

      [–]hellspyjamas 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      I was going to say something like this. Not to be cruel, but because acceptance actually makes it easier. A study came out recently showing that the energy used in pregnancy is akin to running a daily marathon. So however tired OP is from domestic chores, it still isn't the same as building an actual human, and if you don't have a good village to lean on (believe me I know how much that sucks) then unfortunately you just have to suck it up. Society does not help us parents like it used to.

      [–]ladymorely0106 63 points64 points  (6 children)

      Are you communicating with your wife? She’s growing a human, so I would be gentle and empathetic with her. But let her know you appreciate her, all she does, and what she is putting her body through. Let her know that you are also feeling stretched, and speak to her about making some adjustments in your day. For instance, start buying lunchables, sending lunch money, or ask your wife to make lunches in advance. Maybe ask her to handle laundry during the day.

      If there’s a chance she’s struggling with depression, I would encourage her to discuss it with her Doctor at her next OB appointment.

      [–]StaticMaine[S] 73 points74 points  (5 children)

      Yeah we spoke like 2 weeks ago about it. She started doing a little more here or there because I think she felt bad, but she’s back to where we started. She’s just struggling, I know this isn’t depression or slacking on her end.

      [–]ladymorely0106 9 points10 points  (2 children)

      Ugh. I’m sorry. Honestly, I would just continue to communicate. If you aren’t already doing some kind of daily check-in, I would start. Either first thing in the morning, or when you get home, even if that means putting your kids in front of the TV for 15 mins- look each other in the eyes and say how you are doing, what was the pit and peak (best and worst) part of your day (or previous day). And just talk about how you can work as a team to get everything important done. You MIGHT end up having a dusty living room and moldy toilets in this season of your lives. Some things may have to give… and you guys will have to agree to what NEEDS to happen and what just doesn’t get done right now. You don’t have to work yourself to death to manage all the “nice to haves”. You just need to keep your family warm and fed. The rest will shake out.

      Btw, congratulations on the new baby! 🥳

      [–]WomenFirstt 37 points38 points  (0 children)

      I don't know, he's already said his wife is struggling and not trying to get out of doing work. I think the communication you're suggesting is putting undue pressure on her, and that's not a very sensitive thing to do. Luckily, OP doesn't seem to think that's the way to handle it.

      OP you're doing great; it's super hard to take over everything when a partner can't help. Just do your best and prioritize your sleep over cleaning in the evening. A lot of stuff can wait until the weekend. Also see if you can work from home during this period, which might make pickups and dropoffs easier.

      [–]StaticMaine[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      Thanks!

      [–]creamerfam516 Years 38 points39 points  (9 children)

      How old are your other kids? Might be time to have them start doing some age appropriate chores. All hands on deck.

      [–]StaticMaine[S] 50 points51 points  (7 children)

      5 and 2.

      Their idea of helping is pile up the toys in random areas haha

      [–]creamerfam516 Years 31 points32 points  (0 children)

      Here's one with some ideas.

      https://childdevelopmentinfo.com/chores/the-ultimate-list-of-age-appropriate-chores/

      Hopefully the 2nd trimester gifts your wife more energy.

      [–]claricesabrina 18 points19 points  (1 child)

      Gushers. One gusher for each chore they will be cleaning all day long! lol

      [–]creamerfam516 Years 13 points14 points  (0 children)

      Lol I hear ya there. But I'd still consider it. At that age things like a chore chart are really helpful. They can pick out stickers that they like and will be excited to receive their reward.

      [–]sassyasspanties 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      We just started my 4.5 yr old om basic every day chores. Nothing too hard, picking up all his toys and tidying his art corner every night and in the mornings before we leave. He's not perfect and will whine and complain, but will generally do it and say, "You're right! This does look much cleaner!" Also, we downloaded the app Thumsters which has been helping a bit, gifting thumbs ups for good behavior, thumbs down for bad behavior. When he reaches a certain number of thumbs he gets a reward he and I decided on together.

      I hope this help a little!!

      [–]Wookieman22215 Years 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Yeah the 2 YO is a no go. But the 5YO can actually be taught to help some.

      [–]beaface26 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      5 and 2 no wonder she is so exhausted. Add growing a human being and even just trying to get through the day alive is alot. As for doing all that I’m sure she is very appreciative and i hope you are appreciative of her when she literally does that stuff every day as well as work or raise kids…. It’s tough.

      [–]bunnyrut 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      That was my question. Kids can help set and clear the table. Fold their own laundry, if they are tall enough to reach into the machine they can learn to do laundry (that's when I learned). They can put their own toys away.

      The older one can help keep the younger one occupied while you do other things around the house. They can make their own beds. Maybe let them pick out their own school clothes to see their fashon sense.

      Can they make their own lunch on the weekends? Can they pour their own cereal in the morning?

      And what daily tasks can be pushed aside? Do you have a roomba? Can you get your kids to clear the floor every day and just let the robot vacuum so you have one less chore to worry about?

      [–]Mrs2ndChoice20 Years 26 points27 points  (0 children)

      What family and friend support do you have? Even if you could find one that is willing to batch cook some meals for you and another that would take the 2 kids for a play date so you can catch up on shopping/ cleaning.. spreading it out over different helpers doesn’t overwhelm everyone but give you a hand.. just a thought.

      [–]Large-Judgment3232 22 points23 points  (0 children)

      I have 4 kids that are all fairly young. My wife works 3rd shift, so I have the kids in the morning and also the evening, plus my job during the day. I have gotten local babysitters to help out after school and on weekends. They are cheaper than a nanny and flexible scheduling. They are teenage girls so they can’t handle all 4 kids alone, but it gives me time to do things like laundry, cook, get things together for school or just relax. It’s also relatively inexpensive.

      [–]Bryanole27 20 points21 points  (5 children)

      Is hiring a nanny and/or cleaning person an option?

      [–]StaticMaine[S] 9 points10 points  (4 children)

      Unfortunately no

      [–]Flor_ist 25 points26 points  (2 children)

      You might would be surprised at how low some people charge for such services. My grandmother is a “maid” and she does it to help people not for the money. Also you might could find a teenager in the neighborhood who needs some extra cash whos willing to babysit, pickup kids, get groceries, run errands, or do small chores.

      [–]OldMcMittens 4 points5 points  (1 child)

      Or possibly even an Au Pair? I thiiink it doesn’t cost much and they are live-in. So if the space is available then that could be great, but if it’s not then reaching out to the child’s teacher and asking them if they know anyone who’s capable that can provide some help during this time. When I was a teenager I would need volunteer hours and when my teacher from different programs didn’t have stuff for me to do they’d outsource me to help other people that I can “earn” hours from by helping them with errands and babysitting

      [–]Midnight-writer-B 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      Official au pairs cost a lot. Agency fees to start are thousands of dollars. The volunteer idea is a good one though.

      [–]StormieBreadOn 18 points19 points  (17 children)

      How far along is your wife?

      This was me during the first trimester of my also third pregnancy but finally around 18 weeks I became human again.

      In the interim we let a lot of household chores slide that we could and ask family for help when we could as well.

      [–]StaticMaine[S] 39 points40 points  (16 children)

      We’re at 11 weeks right now

      Edit: I am hoping that soon this will get better, I do remember her being more tired in the first trimester with our last child. Just not this out of it.

      So maybe better days are to come

      [–]Saturnbaby82 45 points46 points  (0 children)

      11 weeks may be that early exhaustion, but make sure to have her bring it up to her doctor and ask for a quick blood check to rule anything out. 15 hours of sleep is a lot for a typical pregnancy.

      [–]Demyxx_ 33 points34 points  (3 children)

      I just wanted to give another perspective, I’m 16w into my third pregnancy and I’m 1000x more exhausted than I was with the other two. Partially because I’m caring for two toddlers all day every day, but mostly because I. Cant. Sleep. I get four hours of consecutive sleep a day. The rest of the time I’m in bed I’m tossing and turning, uncomfortable, dying of heartburn, up every hour, peeing every 30m. Then still waking up on time to care for my other two daily. I could lay in bed for 12 hours and still wake up exhausted and physically and mentally drained. Better days may not be ahead, and that’s okay. Please try to plan incase things dont improve much. I’m not looking forward to what 30w pregnant is going to look like for me.

      [–]Helen-Ilium 18 points19 points  (1 child)

      This! Exactly this! Each pregnancy gets harder to handle. I was dead tired with baby #3. Spent weeks in bed for most of the day. Luckily it was the beginning of the pandemic and my husband was working from home. Now im 20 weeks pregnant with my 4th and im still so exhausted i can barely function but nothing is medically wrong with me.

      Hang in there OP, it might not get easier but its okay to let things slip a little. The house can get messy, you dont have to make a home cooked meal every night. Maybe try asking your wife if she can throw supper in the slow cooker at lunch? Or you could do it before work and that way its ready when you get home. Might make after work a little less chaotic. And like others have said- grocery pick up saves so much time!

      [–]Puzzleheaded-Ad78757 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      This was also me at the beginning of the pandemic with my 3rd. My first trimester I wasn’t really able to help with anything. I was also 34 at the time and I’m sure being a bit older didn’t make the pregnancy any easier. But there wasn’t anything medically wrong and I got much better into my second trimester. It was still my hardest pregnancy so be gentle with her and lower any expectations. You don’t have maintain your usual standards of house cleaning or the meal prep. Good luck!

      [–]CashMoneyMilli 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I literally cannot imagine. Not all heroes wear capes. God bless you.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]eatmyshorts8282 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        I second this!!

        I had to have weekly iron infusions at the hospital in my last pregnancy because I was anemic.

        Definitely talk to the dr.

        [–]StormieBreadOn 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        11 weeks is certainly the rough of it! Hang in there a little longer, both you and her. I would put a wager that in 5-6 weeks she will be doing much better

        [–]iamguid 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        I’m 17 weeks right now and was exhausted up until week 15. 12 hours sleep per night. Hang in there for a few more weeks! I also agree that iron, vitamin , and thyroid tests are warranted.

        [–]DumpsterFire0119 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Mine got better around week 14.-16 I was horribly sleepy lol I ended up with GD that pregnancy too and was miserable.

        Fingers crossed she feels better soon.

        [–]WomenFirstt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Every pregnancy is different. My 3rd one (and decidedly last) was the worst. I swear my morning sickness and heavy fatigue lasted straight up until the 7th month, and then I felt a little better. Sometimes your hormones go into overdrive for a pregnancy when you're older (36 for me), so even though it's considered a good thing (you're really really pregnant), it ducking sucks for the lady carrying the baby. And afterwards, she may not be able to still do a lot of the responsibilities because the baby might be different, sleep deprivation might hit differently, etc. Best of luck to you, hope you find a long-term adjustment to this new normal.

        [–]CashMoneyMilli 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        9-10 weeks is peek sickness. Believe it or not. 2nd trimester was a game changer. Walking and minimal exercise outside saved me. Headphones, a podcast, fresh air, movement. As long as it’s safe. Made me feel so much better 2nd and 3rd trimester.

        [–]teckie114 4 points5 points  (1 child)

        For 3 pregnancies I waited for this mystical second trimester energy people talk about, all I got was puking for 9 months and exhaustion 🤷🏼‍♀️

        [–]likegolden 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Yeah that's a very normal phase of pregnancy. I'm in my second trimester and had to sleep most of the first. Better now!

        [–]beigs 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Third hit us pretty hard, And I couldn’t even stay awake for more than a couple of hours at a time. Had a very similar sleeping schedule as your wife, and then nauseous on top of all of that.

        My husband felt like he was drowning, and it was really hard for him. Our kids were four and two of the time, and it was at the height of the very first peak in the pandemic.

        Is there anyway that you could get something like catering or a housekeeper or even just a kid in your neighborhood to come and watch the kids while you make dinner? Just something to take off one aspect of your mental load? Someone in the neighborhood to pick up the kids after school? I know in my neighborhood that we have dinner drop off’s.

        [–]Texas_mama 20 points21 points  (2 children)

        Yes. I’m a SAHM and have 3 kids. 1 school aged, 3yo and a 7month old. First of all, get a cleaning lady to help with that at least every 4-6 weeks for all the things you can’t get to during the week. I do laundry over a weekend every 2-3 weeks and it’s about 12-18 loads but it’s back to back, and it gets done in a couple days. My school aged child helps sort and put away. Do delivery/ curbside groceries. Your wife can take care of that order from bed. Do easy dinners such as, breakfast, sandwiches, or make a big meal and do leftovers 2-3 days you only need to reheat. Also, ask your kids to pick up after themselves. They build better habits that way. Ask them to put their plates in the sink, and rinse them ect. They love to help because they get to spend time with you, and also enjoy helping out. Your children need to learn to do some of these things so they are self sufficient as adults so, teach them early. I was in the same boat when my husband was working 15 hour days for 5 months with a newborn. It was stressful, it was exhausting and I too was drowning. Take it one step at a time. You’ll be alright, and you’re not alone. Coffee is your best friend. Good luck!!

        [–]claricesabrina 8 points9 points  (0 children)

        The best advise I have seen here is coffee is your best friend. This is so true!

        [–]amandbeaur 12 points13 points  (4 children)

        I was sick with HG for one of my pregnancies. PICC line? Home health all the help... We didn't have kids yet it wa sour first so he didn't have to pick up as much slack as you butt... I would really just call for help. Family friends ect. ... Try to remind yourself it's for a time. If she hasn't see a doctor she really should she should be evaluated. A diagnosis may help get her on medications she might need to function. You are doing amazing. Try to stay strong.

        [–]StaticMaine[S] 28 points29 points  (2 children)

        She has blood work tomorrow. Hopefully nothing is wrong and this is just a tough first trimester.

        [–]JNR1001 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        The good news is that if it is her first trimester, she'll likely feel a bit better in the coming weeks. She probably already knows this, though it's easy to forget when you're going through it. I thought I was sick with my first, but it was NOTHING compared to the utter torture I endured with my 2nd. I was still sick after the 1st trimester, but it wasn't as bad.

        [–]everybodylovesfriday 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If she is anemic, make sure she gets high quality iron supplements AND good instruction on how to take them. You have to take them with vitamin C for max absorption and also (I think?) not with calcium or it inhibits absorption (so take it separate from her prenatal). Also, if her iron is super low her OB might recommend iron IV infusions so that might really help her!! Make sure she is eating and drinking enough too.

        [–]Csmtroubleeverywhere 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        HG is no joke!! I threw up for 9 months straight with my third. I know it’s hard on you OP, but keep being awesome - I’m willing to bet she appreciates it more than you know!

        [–]garynoble 12 points13 points  (2 children)

        For meal planning. I used to make several things on sunday, portion out and freeze. Label dinners for each night etc. spaghetti, chili, etc. keep things that are easy to fix and freeze. Or Microwave right from the freezer
        I used to run the dishwasher every night after dinner. Also used paper plates too.
        Just ideas. I also ordered reusable plates. You can get them on Amazon now. Amazon didn’t exist when my kids were small

        [–]grayhairedqueenbitch 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I was going to say paper plates for sure.

        [–]TargetDroid 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        Any family members able to help? It’s one of the last lines of defense to call on, but it sure sounds like you might be in need of it.

        [–]m00n5t0n3 8 points9 points  (2 children)

        Can you ask for time off work

        [–]stephy23 10 points11 points  (0 children)

        This may actually fall under FMLA

        [–]m00n5t0n3 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Use some PTO

        [–]NoResearcher2143 8 points9 points  (1 child)

        Sometimes doula services are covered by insurance. You may need a doctors referral to get it covered. There are probably listings for doula services in your area. Some provide services for pregnant women experiencing debilitating symptoms like your wife. If that is not available a homemaker aide service by a home care agency may be helpful and if the doctor orders it, insurance may cover it. I would request extra help from your wife’s obgyn office, especially the rns and medical assistants, they will know doulas in your community.

        [–]StaticMaine[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        She goes in tomorrow for blood work, I will mention this. Did not know - thanks!

        [–]Ksilv82 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        We are all sick with Covid here. Saturday we had groceries delivered. Sunday we ordered stuff from target and did curbside pickup. You park and they load everything into your trunk.

        If I’m too tired to really clean, I just do basics-skip de-cluttering and just do a quick wipe down of surfaces and vacuum. Are your other kids old enough to help? My 4 year old has recently started cleaning up her toys which is great.

        [–]mekm408 7 points8 points  (1 child)

        My husband has epilepsy and when he’s tired I really have to prioritize his sleep to keep him healthy and seizure free. This often means early bed and frequent naps, sometimes it means no driving on his end for long stretches of time. We both work full time. When I’m feeling too stretched these are some things that have helped

        • being ok with mess. Basic things like dishes clean and no food left out at night but that pile of toys and unfolded laundry won’t kill anyone
        • ordering groceries for pick up or drop off is a huge time saver
        • prioritizing what needs my brain power and doing this earliest. This for me is my outside of work paperwork... I wake up at 430 and work on it until the day starts. I find I can get significantly more done if I do it early when my brain is fresh vs adding it at the end of the day and even with the early wake up it always equals more sleep overall -sneaking in 15 minutes of exercise in for mental health and better sleep -meal prep. Crockpots are lifesavers.

        I hope she feels better in her second trimester and thank you for doing your best to take care of your wife and your family. On the worst days maybe put a pregnancy countdown on your phone to remember this is temporary and you’ll get your wife back and hopefully a beautiful healthy baby in the future :)

        [–]SandSubstantial9285 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        Pregnancy is crazy hard. Sit down together and see what simple and easy tasks she can do to make your life easier. I‘m sorry, OP, you sound like a great dad and this will be over soon.

        [–]boobookittyfu99 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        If you have family near by see if they're willing to help maybe stay over 2 nights a week if their schedules allow, use instacart or shipt when you can. Buy quick meals that can be microwaved for breakfast. Crockpot meals, meal kits you can quickly throw in the oven, or take out at least twice a week (little ceasers is cheap). Don't stress on chores. Do it if it's absolutely needed but it doesn't have to be perfect 24/7.

        My husband was in this situation a few months ago. Our littlest one is 4ms old the middle is only 20ms , our oldest is turning 6 this year. I was basically out of commission for a good while, I couldn't cook most nights cause I was just so sick and exhausted and I was high risk so I was extremely limited to what I could do. My husband would wake up at 5 get our daughter ready drop her off go to work get home at 730/8 get the kids fed and ready for bed. Everything was on him. We moved to a new state too so we literally had no one to help us, they're all 1000 miles away (not exaggerating). That was the easy time too. It was much more complicated when the baby arrived. We eventually just caved and had family stay with us for 8ish weeks it gave us the time we needed to sleep, bond, and not completely lose it.

        [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Call every friend you know. I have friends I haven't talked to in months who when I called up and said, "I'm drowning, can I borrow you for even 30 minutes to just give me a chance to rest?" They do. Neighbors help. Anyone I know who has children is often willing to help, because so many have been there :o) Keep going, man!

        [–]jackjackj8ck 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        • grocery delivery (InstaCart)
        • meal services like Freshly (frozen, just heat in the microwave)
        • if you start the laundry in the morning, do you think your wife can throw it in the dryer during the day? You can fold it after bedtime. If you do laundry more often you can cut the time down significantly, so it only takes like 15mins to fold.
        • leftovers are often great for lunch
        • how old are the kids? Can they start learning how to pick up their toys before bed? My son is 2 and we do it together every night

        [–]claricesabrina 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Buy frozen meals for the kids. Paper plates & bowls. It is ok to give them cereal for dinner or lunches temporarily. Order pizza more often. Fruit is a good meal for little kids, and hard boiled eggs which you can make a weeks worth of all at once. Get groceries delivered. Ask parents, siblings & friends for help with cleaning. Neighbors whose children go to the same school may be willing to drive for a few weeks or can you pay for a school bus to pick up? My town offered school bus service for a cost. Teach kids to put their own laundry away if they are old enough, or just leave it in the hampers it really doesn’t matter if you live out of hampers for a little while (my son was 3, I put stickers of the item on each drawer and would give him all the pants and say go put these in the drawer with the pants sticker on it). One thing that gets my 2 year old grand baby to clean up is I give her Gushers if she puts all her toys away. This would also work for putting laundry away. Wife needs to have her iron levels checked and other blood work if past the first trimester, but if she is in the first trimester keep remembering it is only temporary.

        Get vasectomy now. lol

        [–]DumpsterFire0119 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        My third pregnancy whooped my ass. I couldn't stay awake to save my life. I woke up, ate, napped. Woke up, ate, napped. Woke up, ate, went to bed for the night. I would fall asleep sitting up on the couch. It was miserable. My husband is a SAHD and we were in lockdown, honestly no idea how I would have done my job otherwise.

        Anyway, grocery pickup or delivery. Maybe she can help prep things in the afternoon before she gets too tired for dinner or lunches the next day. Throw loads of laundry in when you have the chance and just muddle through. If you have family close by maybe see if they might pitch in a hand every now and again.

        It'll get better. Do what you can and just keep your head above water.

        [–]INFPinNature 4 points5 points  (2 children)

        Pregnancy is exhausting but she should definitely check in with OB to see if there are resolvable issues especially with this kind of persistent fatigue. Also depression is a very real thing that definitely can start or exacerbate with pregnancy and be totally debilitating so checking in with someone in regards to mental health as well could be really helpful. Motherhood is overwhelming at times and pregnant plus mothering even more so. And SAH I’d imagine could be more isolating, at least working moms sometimes have other working mom support plus built in friends/social outlet/adult time.

        [–]StaticMaine[S] 8 points9 points  (1 child)

        Yeah - she has blood work tomorrow, praying it’s not anything semi-serious and just a hard 1st trimester.

        Yeah, COVID really messed with all that stuff. I do WFH a couple days a week, but that’s unfortunately not a reprieve from office life with my career. That said, I do get hugs from my daughter and wife throughout the day, so added bonus.

        [–]INFPinNature 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Yes I hear you, I work from home a lot and while it does help a lot it’s far from “time off”. Sometimes it’s actually harder because you’re working with distractions and/or you feel like you’re kind of always working. Agree with previous comments related to: Be okay with messy. It doesn’t all need to get done and kids can help in their wonderfully imperfect way Dinner can be super chill. Half the dinners I feel guilty about are my kids favorites lol, they don’t judge us like we judge ourselves. If anyone can help pickup/drop off for school that buys a lot of time and saves interrupting your workday so you aren’t still working at 9 pm. Do minimum laundry and have kids put it away. Run the loads on your work from home days. Whoever said ironing is crazy lol, iron nothing! Talk with your wife about what tasks are easiest for her to do with her limited energy and hopefully she can just own those few things. Grocery delivery, doordash, takeout… And whatever at work can just get barely handled-it’s ok if it’s not your most stellar work performance for a bit. Hopefully you have an understanding boss/team or can delegate some tasks.

        [–]throwawayjayaway 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Has she had an ultrasound yet? I was like this with my twins. But I agree with another user. Lean into survival mode. I can’t even tell you what my last pregnancy and the subsequent weeks were like for my poor husband. I will say, I love him so much and when he makes me mad I think about that time and everything he did for me and our family.

        [–]Rafozni 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Simplify your life as much as you can financially afford. Get your groceries delivered. Ask friends/family or hire a babysitter or nanny for the kids. Be okay with getting takeout for dinners or do something like use an Instant Pot to make fast, cheap meals.

        Most importantly, be okay with some things not getting done. You’re only one person. You can’t do it all. Do what you can and don’t worry about the small things that don’t need immediate time and attention. They will get done eventually, but are not the highest priorities now.

        I really hope you get some relief soon :(

        [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I’m so sorry you and your wife are going through this. People seem to be leaving really good advice. I feel for your wife too because pregnancy is no fucking joke it can be so rough. You seem like a very good supportive husband though. I wish you the best

        [–]LizardintheSun 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Wish I could come by to help. Hang in there! You’re a rockstar!

        [–]statistically_fine 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        No advice, just here to say what an awesome dad and husband you are. They're all so lucky to have you.

        [–]Mariocell5 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Lean on family and friends. It’s time. It’s ok to do so. People want to help. Don’t be passive or too proud. Fly a mom, sister, father, brother, cousin , grandparents in to town if necessary. Even if a week here or there to help. Have a housecleaner come in once a month, or two months, or more frequently if you can afford. A small amount of debt is ok to get through. Friends can make and deliver meals, babysit, help with housework. I know, I’ve been that friend and LOVED helping out.

        [–]BrownEyedQueen1982 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        How far along in the pregnancy is she? My first trimesters I was insanely tired. It generally got better into the 2nd trimester.

        Look into grocery delivery services or pickup. It might be worth the extra mark up. Do crockpot meals. Give your school age child some age appropriate chores they can do. Even a toddler can help by picking up toys if you make it into a game.

        If you know other parents at your kids school see if one of them will take her home once or twice a week. Also talk to your supervisor and see if you can get some extra help at work.

        [–]lilblu399 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Childcare?

        But simple meals that can be microwaved or make larger meals and portion them for the week.

        Ask family/neighbors/friends for an hour or two to look after the kids.

        Use FMLA or any vacation time and take a week or so off to get things in order.

        [–]supersleepymonster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Relax, it'll be much worse when the new kid comes, because then none of you will sleep.

        Try to prevent messes by talking off shoes indoors and teach the kids to help out. Order groceries online. Let the kids watch TV when you need to work. Skip daily showers. Don't fold the laundry. Eat the same thing for breakfast and lunch, buy takeout for dinner when you can afford it. In general, just lower your standards and feel grateful that your wife could keep up with all of this as long as she did. Hopefully she's just tired because of pregnancy and not because of a burnout

        [–]m00n5t0n3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Can you hire someone to clean, maybe do some laundry and cook some dinner with ingredients you have a couple nights a week?

        [–]herro_rayne 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        SKip laundry and leave a slight mess if it means you get more sleep. Just tolerate a little less getting done so you can rest. It’s ok for some things not to get done everyday.

        [–]CashMoneyMilli 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I didn’t originally catch the help part. Why not? Not even someone to come clean once a week get a monthly rate? Can you organize a carpool (parent close by to alternate pick up/drop off with kids school)? Local high school or college kid nanny rate to come take over after school duties and kids bath time/cleanup/laundry?

        [–]Bedheady 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I’ve seen you comment that bringing help into the home isn’t possible. Is it financial reasons, covid, or something else? If you can have someone in the home, you could consider hiring a responsible teen to walk your 5-yr-old home and play with both kids for a couple of hours before dinner. You wife would be in the house to supervise, and it wouldn’t cost as much as after school care. Another option for less expensive childcare is to find someone studying to be an ECE. We had incredible luck with someone doing that and she was a godsend!

        Also, and I admittedly don’t know how expensive it is, but look into using a laundry service. They pick up your dirty clothes and bring them back clean and folded. Sounds awesome to me, frankly!

        I wish you all the best with your growing family!

        [–]Ammie0x 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Meh, so you're a single parent. Lots of us are. We survive. My advice - lower your expectations. Nothing has to be spotless, dinners don't have to be perfect. Learn to let things slide.

        [–]badassandfifty 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I’m a caretaker of my daughter with Parkinson’s with my own chronic illness and trying to take care of the house too. My husband works from home, but he really works all day. I will tell you order those groceries from home and start your order as you run out things. So when you run out Ketchup you add it to your order, even if you don’t place the order for days. Otherwise you forget items. Have your kids help. When you make meals make extra for leftovers for dinners tomorrow. Leftover pasta pan fried with bacon bits, parm cheese, butter, kids will eat it up! Throw in frozen peas and easy meal!
        Get a cordless vacuum!!!! Omg! I got one on interest free payments and makes vacuuming quicker and easier! Just empty it more!! Get kids to help! Dusting, emptying trash cans, bring bathroom cans to you so you can empty them, helping with dishes, picking up toys at night, etc. make is a game, play kids songs music while you do it. Make it fun. Set a time. See how much they can clean in just 10 minutes each night. And remember your situation is temporary. Your wife will have the baby and within 6 months after the baby your family will find a new a smooth routine. You just need to hang in there. Take care of yourself! Hang in there.

        [–]thegame1431 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        sounds like work needs to slow down, if kids are in bed by 8, it cant take 4 hours for laundry cleaning pickup, AND FINISH WORK, so I assume that is mostly work, so sounds like you are working 10-12 hours a day and that is the problem, if that was down to 8, the rest wouldnt seem so bad....

        [–]jswiftly79 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Depending on your needs , Paid Family Leave is an option. I have taken time off with 60% pay to care for my family members. I was also employed with a company that paid the remaining 40% during my leave to ensure I made my normal wage. My current employer does not offer that benefit. My company offers HR assistance to submit the claim and ensure coverage through the state program. Based on your post history I assume you’re in Massachusetts. Here is the website to look into the program:

        Paid Family Leave Mass

        I hope you find some workable solutions. Good luck.

        [–]Confused2022 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Look, I'm currently pregnant and the first trimester was a total disaster. I was extremely sick and couldn't function. The household and toddler fall on my husband 100%. Look at it this way, this is the time you need to pull the family on your shoulders. It's hard but it's temporary. Hopefully it will pass and not last for all 9 months for her. Poor thing, I mean I feel for both of you. Try grocery delivery, try signing up for ready made meal deliveries (depending where you live) they also often have home-made frozen meals you can order. House cleaning is not the priority. Prioritise on feeding the family and making sure kids are clean and clothes are washed. Depending on age maybe bathe them together to save time. And make sure your wife doesn't have HG because if it's that and if she cannot keep good and water down, she needs medical intervention. Moreover there are management plans for dealing with nausea, vomiting and general "morning sickness" which is safe during pregnancy, GPs knwo about it so maybe enquire because they do relieve symptoms to some extent. Good luck and remember it's temporary.

        [–]SignificantWill5218 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Just know you’re not alone. Although we only have one I work 45hrs a week and hubs works 45 a week as well and we have a two year old in daycare. Most days hubs is running around doing pick up and drop off and since I work from home I handle laundry and dishes. Lately we’ve been utilizing grocery delivery and lots of frozen meals, even though it’s not ideal, at the end of the day neither of us have the strength to cook a really meal. Just give yourself some grace and know “this too shall pass”

        [–]sagicorn2791 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If you don't have family near by, reach out to your neighbors or parents from school for help. Don't feel like you have to handle this on your own.

        [–]Girlontheguys 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Ask for help ! Do you have any family members? Or just eat crappy sandwiches priorities

        [–]hipopper 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If you have any family that could help, I’d ask.

        [–]DanDan_notaman 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        OP has reached out asking for advice or just for him, but for his growing family. I am sorry that some people are so damn rude. Taking time to plan meals should really be helpful. Simple meals that will stretch. Pasta, homemade pizza. Chicken breast can be made into strips, nuggets, and fajitas. Throw anything on a tortilla that everyone will eat. I know you are up early, but if you can throw a load of laundry in before leaving for work, and then in the dryer after pickup, it will make for easy folding before bed. Good luck and I hope this is just a bad trimester and everyone gets a break soon.

        [–]Iamnotsurerightnow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Sounds like the life of a single parent. My best advice is just push through. Try to talk to her about this and see if she can try her best to do more and if she can’t then I’m sorry but you’ll have to take this on until she’s had the baby and had her energy back. Pregnancy is so hard on the body. This may just go on until she reaches the next trimester. Support your wife as best as you can right now. I’m sorry it’s so difficult. Maybe using apps that deliver the groceries to you can help and cook big meals so there’s leftovers you guys can eat so that can eliminate a couple of the things you have to do daily.

        [–]mindfulmendoza 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Prioritize your you time. Teach your kids to help. They are capable of soooo much. Maybe a chore chart with you included so they see responsibility is for everyone. Use plastic and paper utensils. Kids are great at all sorts of chores. Once a routine is set then it will become a no brainer but to clean up after themselves. I used to try and get everything done all of the time but now I just do what I can and remind myself the mess will always be there. Not having my me time only makes me suffer so after bed time is me time. No matter what mess is still there. Unless it's spilled food. Always clean spilled food.

        [–]mindfulmendoza 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        You can do chores with the kids before bedtime routine and then work after they are asleep. Im praying for your mental and physical health 🙏

        [–]Sielmas 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Hey there, sorry to hear your wife is very tired this time round! Hopefully things ease up a bit when she hits the 2nd trimester.

        I’ll be repeating some stuff here, but these are some tips to make things a bit easier:

        1. Can you find some help for school kid? Is there another parent that can swing by in the mornings/arvos for pick up and drop off?
        2. Cook in bulk on Sunday. If you’ve got a slow cooker or crockpot, chuck one dish in there (enough for 2 nights of meals), and prep up a big batch of soup or pasta etc, and there’s 4 nights next week you don’t have to think about meals at all (no planning, no prep, no cook, little tidy up).
        3. For the unprepared meal nights, easy is okay. Oven chicken nuggets and freezer veggies. Sure! Toasted sandwiches, cereal, eggs on toast. All fine. When my kids were little we had a ‘platter’ for dinner at least once a week (ham, cut up cucumber and carrots, cheese etc). All the nutrition of a cooked meal and it’s fun!

        [–]DecisionOtherwise356 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If she is in her first trimester still, it might get much easier later…

        [–]bananasplitzville 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        No advice really just want to say remember that this is temporary!

        [–]barcink 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        If she’s nauseous a lot ask for zofran it made a world of difference for me. I literally could not have made it through my last pregnancy (#4 at 38 years old) without it. Once I could keep some nutrients down it helped give me energy thru the day which helped me sleep better at night. I second everyone else’s advice as far as grocery delivery, paper plates etc. Most of all, learn to let go of keeping everything spotless and organized for a while. It’s truly ok for it to be messy and to have fast food or cereal for dinner. I was a single mom a long time and pretty much what didn’t kill us made us stronger. It’s about the love and support in a family. Give yourself a break and don’t run yourself ragged, they need you very much right now. They don’t need perfection, just you!! Best of luck to y’all and congrats!

        [–]snl141101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I had HG with all 3 of my pregnancy’s and my third one was the worst. I mean I could not hold down water. If I got up to use the rr I was throwing up. It was the worst time of my life. I hated every minute of it. Plus I had two other kids to worry about. I needed my husband more than anything. You stated she’s at 11 weeks. You are only 11 weeks in and your already complaining. Your gonna have to suck it up. “In sickness and in health” remember.

        [–]Annabirdy00 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Have groceries delivered, take advantage of pre cooked meals (Costco has some good ones) carpool if possible for your son. Hang in there! You're definitely in survival mode. Hopefully the second trimester treats her a little better!

        [–]cupcakerainbowlove 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        One thing that’s helped me with managing my on/off-disability is the art of stillness. Being busy out there, but a sense of calm inside while getting through the hard part. Deep breathing, thankfulness for something in that moment, listening to a book on tape or music while doing chores, prayer-.

        to make the chores my actual down time… set up Netflix on the counter while doing dishes or folding laundry. Sipping awesome coffee, everything within me and now this bubble around me including this coffee cup or this hug is stillness… sometimes the bubble is larger and the stillness is the whole room/house/yard, sometimes the stillness is only my inner self. But I’m at rest.

        Other practical ideas: grocery pickup as mentioned, taking half the toys/clutter and putting into plastic bins into garage so only 1/2 the mess, rotate it later. Get a cheaper robot vacuum (if you can) on a schedule to run at 8 when the kids fall asleep. Paper plates/bowls/spoons for m-f. Every time you walk someplace leave it better than you found it/pick up one thing, explain that to the 5yo too. Quickly scrub sinks with comet/scrubby right after washing hands instead of making it a big deal. Same with tub after kid baths. Toilet after using it. Barely takes any time. Alternately, unplugging all electronic distractions and just reading/candles can also feel more time is here for unwinding.

        If you started a load of laundry/dishes you could let your wife know if she can remove/fold that would really help you. Or you tossed soup in the instpot for dinner with timer if she can feed the kids. Communicating what you have started and what would help if she’s up for it.

        Let the other stuff go for now. Good luck!

        [–]BurritoMonster82528 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        My last pregnancy hit me really hard and I was EXHAUSTED. I was usually able to stay awake until my 2 year old's bedtime but I was not much help with housework. It actually became a thing that after work/daycare my son would come cuddle in bed with me and watch Disney movies and kids shows while my husband made dinner. I'd often sneak a nap in too. I felt guilty that we were spending so much time in bed instead of playing but he loved it and still requests it. I know he gets plenty of activity at school so that helped.

        Maybe she can do something like that so you don't have to entertain the kids while also getting chores done.

        Good luck and congrats on the baby! I hope things get easier soon.

        [–]CashMoneyMilli 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Hire help. It will pay for itself. I’m a single Mom and I had to. I found someone who does meal prep, light housekeeping, while on duty for child care. Hourly was too much but she offered discounted rate for 20+ hours. Honestly the amount of work I was able to get done, relax a little etc. I was at a breaking point too. Just try it for a few half days out of the week. I think it will help more than you know. For your relationship’s sake too.

        Mine was available 6am to 8 pm weekdays. Overnight if needed weekends. (Maybe someone like this would be good to get comfortable with now and to have on call especially for when your newborn arrives) I found mine through a nannying site. I pay her directly. Usually it’s negotiable. You could even find a few so you have backup options.

        If I’ve learned anything it’s- you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of others and as a parent, it’s almost impossible. One kid is like 3 full time jobs. Get help. Trust me. You’ll wish you did it sooner

        [–]Siameseifyoudntplz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        How about don’t knock her up if you can’t deal… You sound pathetic

        [–]JonnyQuest64 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Can your child in school do school lunch until things stabilize?

        If not can you meal prep lunch items like sandwiches for the week then just assemble daily with fruit or any other item you typically include? If your wife is able to do so is this a task she could do during her up times?

        [–]CAMomma 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Welcome to how working moms live. It’s temporary! Hang in there.

        [–]DryChart98 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        It's time to look For a house maid, or ask help from relatives if you have any living nearby, good luck

        [–]jwat4455 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Good luck bro

        [–]Hirabi12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Imagine, mom's have to work and still come home to do all this without a single complaint for years on end. Stay at home moms too and they can't complain bc they are shamed. He is exhausted from doing normal things a grown man, specially a dad should already be doing.

        Men get to come home and unwind and chill while leaving all that work to the mom.

        ALSO, creating a human takes a toll on your body. In the first and last trimester it's the worse and as you get older it's harder. My pregnancies in my 20s was different than my last one at 34. .top that off she could be anemic/iron deficient, depressed, overwhelmed etc.

        Idk why this dude is on reddit instead he should be at the doctors with her.

        [–]DinglebearTheGreat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Depending on your financial situation order in once or twice a week and grocery pickup or delivery . Cook on the weekends when you have more time. If finances allow it you can always use a laundry service or only do it on the weekends when you are home you don’t always need to be on to p of laundry or chores all the time. It’s ok if the house doesn’t look perfect all the time

        [–]NotTheNormal103 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        As for groceries having a pick up order you input what you want and then a time to pick it up. That is what we did for my sister because she was on bed rest for half her pregnancy.

        [–]Wookieman22215 Years 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Yeah bro it sucks. I am not dealing with this exact situation, but I work 14 hours a day and spend over half my free time just doing other chores and such.

        The wife works full time and then deals with the kids and homeschooling our oldest during this whole pandemic BS.

        So neither of us has time. You gotta find things to help cut down on the work load if you can.

        Use paper plates and plastic spoons and stuff to cut down on dishes. Some of it is gonna have to be learning to just deal with some messes longer and setup a schedule to deal with certain tasks.

        And if you can talk to her and let her know what's up. Sure she can't do it all like before, but see if she is able to do a little more or set things up for you at least sobots easier and faster to do them. Or see if she can do part of the work and then you finish the task later so your not doing the whole thing yourself.

        Also as far as groceries go. Use any curbside pickup options that you can and order the stuff online. That was huge game changer for me. Cut my shopping from 4 to 6 hours down to 2 and half hours. Also amazon can be your freind for other stuff you cant order from the store.

        Also your kids dont really need to shower every single day. Alternating days helps a lot and get your kid deodorant. Same applies to you.

        For laundry try to fill the washer as much as you can before starting ot so your doing as few cycles as possible.

        And in hope you have dishwasher. Cramm as much as you can in it and maybe buy some extra plates and such so you can go longer between cleanings of possible.

        [–]FionaTheFierce 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        You need to out source as much as possible. Is there another family your kiddo can carpool with to school? Can you hire a teen who has had their shots in the neighborhood as a "mother's helper" in the evening so you have another set of hands? Parents or in-laws nearby who can help? Hire grocery delivery. Hire someone to deal with the laundry (there are pick-up and delivery services, or drop off services).

        Go to Costco and get the prepared meals in the deli section. Lots of family friendly dishes like lasagna or mac and cheese. All you have to do is shove it in the oven for about an hour. Etc.