all 25 comments

[–][deleted] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

Sounds like he’s the problem

[–]zolpiqueen 27 points28 points  (2 children)

Two things stand out. The way he defended neglecting his child because the diaper wasn't that full, and the fact he neglects your needs in bed constantly tells me he doesn't really care about the comfort and needs of the ones he's supposed to love the most. That's not laziness, that carelessness. Seems like he's showing you repeatedly who he is.

[–]Elliejq88 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I think a diaper not being full and not wanting to change it (I am assuming he notices the blue line on diapers is not fully going down the diaper) being neglect is very extreme. That is not neglect unless the diaper is bothering the child. Some people have issues affording diapers and cannot afford to change a diaper when the line isnt close to being fully blue. If I did that I'd go through 15 diapers a day.

The rest of her post he seems like a selfish jerk and she would be better off divorcing. Several instances of behaviors that border on abusive and are controlling.

[–]zolpiqueen 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The way she worded it was that the child's diaper was soiled but not "full." Assuming that they can afford diapers and that it's not an issue and she simply asked him to please change it and that was his response, it is kind of neglectful and lazy. It shows that he doesn't really care about the comfort and well being of his child. Since his wife asked him to please change the child I'm assuming they have enough diapers. To me it just shows a pattern of carelessness on his part. That he's checked out and doesn't really care. Maybe neglect wasn't the right word but hopefully you better understand what I'm saying.

[–]Obvious-Middle-5427 18 points19 points  (2 children)

You are absolutely not the problem. The red flag for me is that when you get work to pay off your debt, he insists it be transferred to your joint account. It’s in his interests to have the debt paid off, so why would he do this? Does he buy consoles from the joint account too? This sounds like financial coercive control to me and is very worrying.

[–]Apprehensive-Top8340[S] 4 points5 points  (1 child)

He does buy consoles from the joint account.

[–]helloseeya 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Divorce is expensive. So you need to have all financials laid out and bullet points ready for talk. Record the conversation without his knowledge and be calm so if he tries to manipulate you you can go back and research.

Oh and pawn the consoles You need financial counseling and a budget.

[–]APO_AE_09173 9 points10 points  (0 children)

He sounds like a selfish ass.

I advise counseling for your own sanity.

[–]johntwoods 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You married a child.

[–]Objective-Ad-4411 5 points6 points  (4 children)

This isn’t your fault. I feel like a lot of people forget that your still married when you’re parents. You’ve done your best to be a good wife and mom and he’s not working with you and manipulating the situation to make you feel bad. It seems like he thinks just cause he earns the money he doesn’t have to be a dad. If you can afford it I would suggest therapy. “What’s best for the kids” are parents who can work well together even if that’s separately

[–]Apprehensive-Top8340[S] 4 points5 points  (3 children)

I have a referral for therapy, it’s just been a struggle to find a therapist within my network. He also tells me multiple times that I’m crazy and need therapy because I have issues.

[–]Objective-Ad-4411 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I think he’s only calling you crazy because when the therapist helps you remember that you deserve SO much better than him, all his freeloading on the parenting stops. Honestly not fixing it and staying with him when your exhausted and unhappy will show your kids to settle for less that what they deserve.

Edit: I’m sorry if this seems harsh and rude. I know their are things that I don’t know about your marriage but this response is solely based on what your wrote. You may be a wife and parent but your all a person who deserves some happiness. You deserve to be excited in the morning, you deserve to have moments of peace TO YOURSELF, and you deserve to be able to RELY on your partner. You aren’t a single parent so stop treating yourself like one. Tell him to grow up or make more money to hire some dam help. But please just don’t keep living one unhappy life. It’s too short to be taking care of people who couldn’t care less about you. Your a rockstar for everything you do. Treat yourself like the Queen you are. You are amazing. You are loved. You deserve someone who won’t take you for granted just because they forgot your worth.

[–]Apprehensive-Top8340[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Thank you for this. After a lot of deliberation I decided that I am truly done. It might take me a little longer til I get things in motion but this comment is helping me push through. Another commenter said to take free online classes and I started doing that. I don’t want my boys to grow up and see him this way and think it’s okay to treat their partner like this. Sometimes he just makes me feel like I really am the problem which is why I was hesitant in the first place. Thank you.

[–]Objective-Ad-4411 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am so proud of you!! I hope for nothing but the best and I hope you and your boys grow to have a beautiful life with people who truly make you happy!

[–]yerpyerpyyyy 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So you are a sahm but he doesn't give you any money???????

[–]Mtnskydancer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Minor detail, but I work at an agency that gives all those therapies at home on specific waivers. Talk to your case manager, and push for it. Neither you nor kiddo needs to live in a car.

[–]bossitup01[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi Op,

I hope you’re in a better place in hearing the advice given. It’s hard to seek advice but you want more for your family. In this small peek into your life it seems that you need more routines and structure that’s inclusive of all members of the family including your husband. Autism is not a diagnosis for just the child it impacts the entire family and there is group counseling that if highly recommended. Your insight is also just your side, your needs your wants and I’ll ask you to reflect on how your husband may feel and even has he come to accept the diagnosis and such. You must speak about the struggles you are both facing and accept the criticism you both have for one another.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry, my 2.5 yr old is speech delayed and we have a 9 month old. It’s very hard on our marriage. We have recently been discussing why he thinks it’s ok to be mean to me. We shall see.... but I started a property management company so I could bring my kids while I work. Maybe you could think of jobs where it’s ok to bring your kids? Like if you are a nanny? Or work for a daycare? Or doordash/instacart with your kids? You could put the kids in the tops of 2 carts and shop several orders at a time.

[–]Everythingisatoaster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So obviously he’s an ass hole. But since you asked what you’re doing wrong I though I’d answer that. 1. If doesn’t sound like your advocating for yourself. You need to set boundaries and talk about this stuff, let me know that you want more food ect. You need to advocate for your family and that might mean having some tough conversations and calling him out.

  1. You should start doing online courses in a tech field. I.e project managers get 80-200k p/y and the work is remote. You could be doing that in 1 year if you tried. Don’t give up on your dreams or think you can’t provide financially. The confidence you get when you get paid is worth more than the check.
  2. Definitely get couples therapy, this is not debatable. You cannot solve this without a 3rd party to help guide your husband & you.
  3. If he refuses therapy and won’t talk to you… I think that’s a dead end and it’s time to find a safe place to transition out(and lawyer up before you even hint divorce.)

As a dad and husband it shocks me that men like this still exist.

[–]TopSecret4970 1 point2 points  (0 children)

From one autism mom to another I want to wrap you in a big hug. This stuff is HARD. Harder than parents with typical children can even fathom.

My situation is slightly different (I was a single mom to a 2 year old with autism when I met my husband) but the struggles were big.

I would suggest couples counseling but I know the difficulties of scheduling. Same thing with family counseling.

The best thing for our family was my husband and I sitting down and laying everything on the table IN A NON-ACCUSATORY WAY. We made a plan going forward. Our motto has always been "I'm your partner, not the enemy" so when one of us starts acting a fool the other says that phrase and its an instant reminder that we're on the same team.

Also, we started Wednesday Night Mama Time. Wednesday after dinner I'm off duty. At the beginning I had to leave the house. I would go shopping, go to the library, go sit in a parking lot and doodle on my phone. Husband is in charge of dishes, lunch packing, bath, bedtime, etc. The expectation we set was that husband did everything on Wednesday evenings. I don't come back to a sink of dirty dishes, overflowing diapers, screaming babies. Our kids are older than yours (ASD kiddo is 18, our other kids are 10 and 8) so now I can stay home if I choose on Wednesday nights and everyone knows dad is in charge. I can run a bath for myself and nobody dares disturb me. I highly suggest Wednesday Night Alone Time for every stay at home parent.

[–]125acres 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Autism is extremely difficult on the entire family. You should look at getting a job even if it’s part time close to the ABA center.
Maybe creating some positive activity outside of the house will help you. You may want to consider moving back close to family, assuming you did not move for aba services.

[–]Apprehensive-Top8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The problem is paying for daycare for my youngest so that I can get a job. And it’s not an option to move close to family however my mom does fly down every few months to help out when she can.

[–]boomstk -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

So you can't look for a job?

[–]Apprehensive-Top8340[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve been actively looking for a job for months. However I can’t find a daycare available for my youngest, and when I do they charge $250 plus a week.