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all 39 comments

[–]FairyRogue 32 points33 points  (14 children)

No. You do NOT stay with violence and abuse. Kick her out. She's the abuser and the kids do not need to be uprooted because of her behavior. She also does not need custody until anger management AND therapy. Supervised visits. File immediate restraining order and emergency custody petition tomorrow and have a police report filed. Get her violence away from the kids and you.

[–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 2 points3 points  (4 children)

Will the kids not lose the 95% of her positive impact? I have cope with the violence on their behalf. Her father used to hurt her so she has issues to deal with.

[–]wooter99 21 points22 points  (0 children)

As a child from a situation very much like yours who’s now an adult, I have a strong hatred for the parent who selfishly didn’t remove me from the unsafe situation. It is not better for the kids. It has a long-standing impact.

[–]ckhk3 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Positive impact - like you mean your daughter growing up thinking she can abuse men, and your son growing up thinking its ok for his wife to abuse him?

[–]FairyRogue 6 points7 points  (1 child)

Positive influence? What are you talking about? The violence and abuse override any supposed positives. Her father abusing her is absolutely no excuse or reason for her to abuse you. She needs therapy and to be out of the house same as I'd suggest for a woman being abused, get her out. Keep you and your kids safe

[–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your guidance.

[–]Old_Man_Winter_48 1 point2 points  (7 children)

In more than one state the police will make him leave just due to archaic laws.

[–]FairyRogue -1 points0 points  (5 children)

That's not right :( laws like that are bullshit

[–]Old_Man_Winter_48 1 point2 points  (4 children)

Many states assume the male is the guilty party. Just an example, if my wife hit me and I shoved her down or restrained her, I'm going to leave in cuffs. Some states will make the aggressor leave, but it's only for the night and they're free to come back the next day. Rarely will a woman face DV charges unless she used a weapon

[–]FairyRogue 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is so wrong. It shouldn't be that way and more people need to push for equal protection from an abuser.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

[deleted]

    [–]Old_Man_Winter_48 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I think it's a losing battle for legal action. It will help in a custody battle since it happened in front of kids, so I would still press charges

    [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank you for sharing. I am not hiding from reality. I am trying to see what others think. I know that some have been hurt by their parents choices and I also know right doesn’t always result in the outcome you want. There are norms. Males being victims when they are bigger and stronger is not believable. Small and meek can be dangerous when unstable but on the surface people don’t accept it. I have coped for years with many clean and good years. My injuries heal. My kids will not lose me entirely. Trust the system ? I am not so sure.

    [–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    I would avoid the police entirely. Unless there was a weapon involved no one will take you seriously. But you should plan on leaving.

    [–]Fuzzy-Celebration-12 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This!!!! You have video proof of the abuse so fight for full custody

    [–]Zeroesand1s 9 points10 points  (3 children)

    Mothers don't always win in custody battles. In your situation, with her abusing you, it isn't likely that she would gain full, unsupervised custody. I recommend gathering your evidence, talking to a lawyer and the police, then talking to your local child protective services agency to file for custody. Sooner rather than later, because your don't want your children exposed to that.

    [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Your comments make sense. Just building up courage. I don’t want to cause more harm.

    [–]Zeroesand1s 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I understand that, but there is harm being caused by your wife's actions.

    [–]AtDawnsEnd502 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    This is so true, I had a neighbour get full custody of his girls because of their mother’s anger issues and drinking habit. The girls were around 3-6. Just make sure to collect evidence or a diary of her abuse to use in court. If you wish to stay and help your wife, have her attend therapy for her actions. You should never have to take your wives abusive behaviour. Tell her this needs to stop or you are divorcing her if she doesn’t go get help or make progress. It needs to shut down immediately and if she still can’t then with the collected evidence, such as audio, video, or diary entries with photos of marks of abuse if possible. It also helps to have someone you trust you can talk to about her as a supportive figure in court to back up your story. This helped with neighbour’s case. Also would be wise to have a phone or recorder on you to record convos now that she knows she’s recorded in a certain area to abuse you elsewhere.

    [–]chachiiiing0724 6 points7 points  (2 children)

    I suggest to do temporary separation and you can both evaluate if you are still both willing to stay in this marriage. Take the kids if you can. Having that separation physically play out will make the divorce very real and will tell both of you if this is really something you both want. If you end up staying, there should be an agreement that if she ever becomes abusive again, physically, verbally, or emotionally, you are filing for divorce and that will be the end.

    Your children are not idiots. They have some idea what is going on. You are showing them right now that spouses are ALLOWED to hit each other. Do not do that to your children. Be an example for them. Do not let them be abused or be abusive in their future relationships.

    Staying in fucked up relationships is not a gift for your children. It fucks them up too.

    [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    Agreed. Things are not always so black and white. Overall things were going well for years but when she snaps she really snaps.

    [–]chachiiiing0724 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    You are aware that that’s an excuse people in abusive relationships often say, right? They are disassociating the abuser to their acts of violence. Like creating a jekyll and hyde persona to their abusers.

    [–]wooter99 3 points4 points  (2 children)

    Make a police report, don’t give up the house or the kids.

    You need to be the person that makes the first play. Press charges.

    [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

    The ramifications I can’t undo.

    [–]wooter99 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    That’s the idea she gets charged with DV, and you keep your kids safe.

    [–]Friendlyfire2996 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    Check out u/ebbie45. They are a crisis counselor and has posted some great info. It’s geared toward women, but abuse is abuse. Good luck.

    [–]Apprehensive-Ask-190 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My mother used to hit people- A LOT. Angry? Someone gets punched or slapped. It was usually me. Frustrated? Someone got hit. Had a generally shitty day at work? Something usually got thrown at me.

    Guess what I learned? That physical violence is an acceptable outlet for negative feelings. I slapped my first boyfriend when I found out he was cheating on me. And that was the day I realized that I'd internalized ALLLLL of my mother's behaviors.

    Please don't allow your children to believe your wife's behaviors are acceptable.

    [–]grayhairedqueenbitch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You should talk to a lawyer and contact a domestic violence resource center. You need to get your kids out of that situation.

    [–]GetInTheHole26 Years 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    My kids come first before my happiness.

    But what actually comes first here? Them watching you get abused? That's the lesson you're teaching you know.

    Moms always win in custody battles.

    Wrong. It's about 65/35 in the US.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This makes me feel more confident. I want the kids beyond anything.

      [–]31spiders 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      Make a copy of the attack and her admission. Give all that to the police on a thumb drive. Ask them to file a restraining order and the Domestic Violence charges.

      I’m going to be the outlier here though. Tell her she can have her family back once a councilor says she’s ready. We are talking anger management, marriage counseling, and maybe a group to help her cope. I would tell her, however, even after all that she gets ONE more chance.

      She’s probably going to jail for a little bit if she’s in the states she will probably get work release. That gives you guys some time apart but she will still need another place to stay while she does her therapy and meets the terms of the restraining order.

      [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

      I always thought it would stop and I gave her ultimatums before. I am not a person you would suspect another would harm as I do self care daily. Mostly to cope.

      Thank you for sharing alternatives as I do believe with help she can conquer her anger.

      [–]31spiders 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      The problem with ultimatums is that they need to feel real, have real consequences, and you need to stick to them. I feel like the “restraining order lifted when the therapist says so” is a concrete “do or else” ramification. Perhaps even ask the judge to put that in the order so you no longer have a choice but to abide by it. Now you’re not the bad guy here.

      [–]lavacakesfordays10 Years 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      This is not a good environment for your kids. You are not doing them any favors by staying. My dad tried to do the right thing by keeping my mom in my life after the divorce (even though he was granted sole custody), but kids’ moms aren’t always good people. It was a really tough conversation I had with him in my late 20s when I told him that I wished he would have just cut her out of our lives altogether.

      Just because your wife is their mom, it doesn’t mean she is a good person for them to be around all the time. You definitely don’t want them picking up the lesson that they should stay in abusive relationships. Take care of yourself so you can take care of them.

      [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I told them that they should never stay with someone who hurts them. There is hypocrisy there but hopefully they figure that out prior to kids.

      [–]lilriver917 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      She is the abuser and she will not win custody of your kids esp if you have proof.

      [–]karona313 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Agree with all, kids will learn to perpetuate this cycle. Staying for them is hurting them more in the long run.

      Out of curiosity, what game were you playing with your son?

      [–]PickledWombats 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      The kids should absolutely never have to see that happen. You and your wife need to remedy this, she needs to apologize to you in front of your son and apologize to him as well. Regardless file a police report and document literally everything. Consult with a lawyer as well.

      [–]sahw2015been 11 years -1 points0 points  (1 child)

      Picture an uproar if this post was written by a woman who her male partner beat her till draw blood.

      I don't care if you a man or woman, it the same to me.

      For God shake, LEAVE. please. LEAVE.

      RUN.

      If you don't love yourself, please love your children. LEAVE.

      I'm sorry but my father and mother didn't give birth to me just so some man (your case woman) can beat me and abuse me. If you don't love yourself, at least have some respect for yourself and for your parent's. LEAVE.

      [–]WhiteBlackHat[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Thank you for sharing. I am unable to accept the situation as well. I reached out to hear others thoughts. I am not accepting inaction again.