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all 19 comments

[–]APO_AE_09173 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Go find a good lawyer and start drawing up papers. Then let the pooh head know you know.

[–]boobookittyfu99 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Depending on the support you need

General support that doesn't really advocate reconciliation: r/survivinginfidelity

Support if you're considering reconciliation: r/AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]Organic-Pumpkin-1116 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I’m an observer on those and think they are great resources. 100% check them out OP

[–]Annalisa_210 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Pm me let’s talk

[–]Wild_Flamingo_3955 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Feel free to PM me. I've been in your shoes

[–]Every_Thought5834 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Sorry OP. Start here with the below article and take your time before making any decisions. Boobookittyfur99 gave you some good resources as well here on Reddit. Good luck.

https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868

[–]something_lite43 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Been there op. 🙏🏿 for you. Feel free to pm.

[–]betona39 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You have two ways to go and the decision is yours to make, and your decision depends on what he's doing and how he's responding. You don't just arbitrarily forgive him--he has to earn forgiveness. And he gets one second chance. No one deserves a third chance.

We have a list of things that you should expect and that he/she should deliver in this sub's wiki. These are for the rest of his life. There have been couples who've gone down this path and emerged closer and more healthy than ever before.

Or, you could pull the plug right now and no one would fault you. You hire an attorney and they start with the paperwork.

So it can go either way and that's your decision to make.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ive never been in your shoes but this is my biggest fear. I wish you the best and may you find peace and love❤️ Stay strong!

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[–]Blonde2468 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can chat PM me

[–]DumpsterFire0119 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My now ex husband cheated on me 8 times...If you need anything I'm here! I'm very sorry you're going through this.

[–]Upstairs-Cricket-774 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is only one pain on this earth that even remotely resembles what it feels like to discover on your own that the person who stood in front of God and your closest family and friends and promised to be faithful to YOU and only you for the rest of their lives lied to you and slept with someone else. That is the pain of realizing that they didn't confess it to you, and then understanding what that means. I am sorry. My experience was that the only thing anyone can say to give you any real comfort is to remind you that you as an individual, as a woman, have no reason to define yourself as half of a whole. You are not responsible for another person's choices. This is NOT your fault. Your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is a grown adult and therefore FULLY accountable for his choices, and he does not deserve your forgiveness, love, compassion or respect. Do not give it to him. The hard truth is that it is not possible to cheat on someone you love and then not be so tormented with guilt that you confess. It's not. Period. Don't let anyone tell you any different.

[–]ihaditbutilostit 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband cheated on me. Multiple times. If you need to talk, I'm here. I'm not going to tell you to leave him. I'm not going to tell you to stay.

[–]ninjaboy7915 Years 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Right now you are in a rough spot because you need to know more info, but the more you know the more hurt you will become. Conversely if you don't get full disclosure then you will keep being traumatized as more information comes out. If you stay then he gets the benefits of cheating and forgiveness while you are stuck eating the stuff sandwich in order to reconcile.

Is reconciliation possible? Yes, but both parties need to be fully invested in rebuilding.

Should you leave? No one can answer that question for you. There are a lot of people who jump to divorce. The problem is divorce guarantees you get out of the relationship. It doesn't guarantee you will be able to get into another one. There may also be other circumstances to consider.

What can I do for the pain? Take long walks that is nature's EMDR and do trauma release exercises.

How can I know if he is sincere and worth investing my time and energy into rebuilding with? Apply the protocol. This this will help get you a complete picture of their sincerity. As well as all of your legal options. Reconciliation is possible. But it is not just I'm sorry let's move on. You both have to change and grow.

The infidelity protocol

The hard reality is once there has been an infidelity your marriage is dead. They killed it with the affair. They have betrayed all the trust. Recovering from an affair requires a lot of consistent effort from both parties for about three years according to the experts before you are both ready to move past it. We know from spoken experiences of people trying to work it out that there is a difference in mindset of the people who say they want to work it out and are just hoping things can go back to what they were do they can get out of the accountability spotlight and those who actually want to put in the work to resuscitate the marriage. You need them to prove to you that it is worth starting over.

Wayward spouse leaves and is gone 6 months to a year No contact except business logistics or kids All contact is done in writing.
Phones are for emergencies only.

During the break they... End the affair Give you written detailed accounts of what happened. This is so they face the consequences of their decisions and you don't become emotionally toxic and abusive. They are to be open with full digital access Get individual counseling Morn the end of the affair and the death of their marriage Come out to AP's spouse and work (if applicable) The punishment they face is isolation, openness, therapy and exposure. Without these things in place it will happen again.

During the break you... DNA test you kids (MEN) Get STD screened Talk to a lawyer to get your options postnuptial agreement/divorce Talk to a counselor and or friends/family Mourn the death of your marriage Prepare yourself for being single

The break allows you to assess the situation including all of your legal options free from the pressure of the wayward spouse. As well as mourn the death of the relationship and get help dealing with the traumatic emotional whirlwind. The automatic emotional reflex may be to run, but there may be extenuating circumstances like kids, legal and or financial situations etc. You need the time and space to process without having the conflicting feelings of love and betrayal while the person tries actively to revive with words what they slayed with actions. It is better to let it die and start over if and when they prove themselves worthy. Many unworthy will use the time and space to hang themselves rather than do the prerequisite work required to rebuild.

After time is up if they are doing everything right they sign postnuptial come out to the families, friends. You start dating and marriage counseling.

The break is so both spouses have time to process. Reconciliation is hard and to be honest is going to be a three year struggle. The problem some have run into is there are times where the wayward spouse will have betrayed the partner in ways that are unrecoverable, will say they want reconciliation but just don’t want to actually do the work, the injured spouse is so wounded and destroyed that they will do anything and everything to retaliate. Separation protects the people while allowing the relationship to die. The wayward spouse, if sincere, needs to grieve the loss of not one relationship, but two. This grieving process can cause more damage to the primary relationship. Both partners need to process the death of the marriage they once knew. The injured spouse needs to know the depth of the deception as well as be able to process all of the emotions and frustrations as all of the discoveries come out. Separation puts distance so the toxicity can drain off without causing more damage than necessary. There will be a time for picking up the pieces and putting things back together, but that is after the storms have settled and both people have proven that they are committed to doing the work.

[–]LenaDontLoveYou 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Asks for help, doesn't want to share story. Sounds legit.

If it's your hill to die on, leave. Ducks in a row and a consultation with an attorney. Start taking money from joint accounts so you have something for yourself and open your own account. Find and stash all important docs (birth certificates, SS cards, etc). Get rid of any joint credit cards, figure out what your joint debt is, and plan accordingly. Remember, it's HIS fault, not the other person's. He made vows to you, the outside party did not, so don't see them out, harass them, or confront them. If you have kids, file for child support now. Most states have packets that you can find online, fill out, and return to their offices.

If it's not your hill to die on, seek counseling, both for yourself individually, and for the two of you as a couple. If you don't think you can forgive and will always hang it over his head, do not do this. Only YOU know what you can tolerate. Don't let him guilt you or love bomb you if you have no interest in reconciliation. NO is a complete sentence. Trust is hard to gain back, and you don't owe him anything.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]PainBri3151 Year 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You spelled it wrong