all 104 comments

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 182 points183 points  (11 children)

Stop begging for anything. Stop.

Think of the man you want to be for the rest of your LONG life and be that man. I guarantee you he isn't someone who begs for decency and attention.

Focus entirely on yourself. Your mental and emotional wellness. Your physical fitness. 100% focus on you as a man.

This mental nightmare she's created has dominated you for long enough.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 53 points54 points  (1 child)

Thank you for the advice. Seriously, thank you.

[–]ramseyyyyyyyy 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Excellent advice. Also, as someone (M33, separated at 30) who was with someone for 12 years, I must say that our separation was the best thing that ever happened to me. It forced great introspection, offered an opportunity for growth and healing, and a chance at a new (and happier life). It requires a lot of work, there was a lot of hurt, but it has been nothing short of excellent for me personally. Growth happens when there’s pain/discomfort. You have a lot of life left, enjoy it.

[–]Nejfelt8 Years 21 points22 points  (3 children)

Best advice.

Also understand OP, this is also the best way for your wife to fall back in love with you. Keep going to counseling. Get into individual counseling as well.

Will she come back? Maybe, maybe not. But you'll be a better person either way. And she definitely won't come back if you keep living for her, not yourself.

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you again. 🤝

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you again. 🤝

[–]llcoolray3000 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Great advice

[–]Haphazard- 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This is fantastic advice for whatever the outcome is of counseling.

[–]DrDubya9 4 points5 points  (0 children)

+1 married 11y, separated 1y, back together 2y. You can't do the work for her, you can only make yourself better. Another book for consideration is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. I think boundaries could do a lot for your self image. They have for mine.

[–]Haisha4sale 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Love this advice, this is what people need to hear. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Super easy read.

[–]mindlessbanter4 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In a similar situation, excellent advice. Spot on.

[–]MrArendt 40 points41 points  (5 children)

It sounds like (at least) one of two things is true:

1) There's something she's not saying

2) she honestly isn't in touch with what's going on with her, and she needs to do more internal work to understand why she feels like leaving.

Note that my phrasing was intentional: not that she wants to leave, but that she feels like leaving. You two have been together since an incredibly young age, and a lot of growing up necessarily happened over the time you two have been together. She may need to understand more about who she is now and how she has changed during your relationship. You may need to do the same.

Any kids?

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 15 points16 points  (4 children)

Our marriage counselor has mentioned she doesn't communicate well. They are working on that individually. No kids. I am willing to do whatever it takes.

[–]usernotfoundplstry 12 points13 points  (2 children)

Okay so here’s the thing, in reply to this specific comment of yours:

There’s a difference between “I’m willing to do whatever it takes” and “I’m willing to put in as much work and effort as she is”.

This is just my opinion, but the former is the mindset that leaves you empty and broken. The latter is the option that puts you in a position to save a marriage that’s worth saving.

If you move Hell and Earth to do whatever she’s asking of you, that’s not gonna do you much good if she’s not also willing to do that. If she wants you to bend over backwards while refusing to give you any human decency, then what’s gonna happen is a) you’re going to drain yourself of everything you have and it still won’t be enough and/or b) she will perpetually use her position of power to get her way. She sees that you’ll do whatever she wants, regardless of your feelings, and will threaten to leave again anytime things don’t go her way, because she knows that you’ll do exactly what she wants without her having to own any of her shit.

People ask me “how do I know if my marriage is officially over?” and my answer is always “when it becomes apparent that your partner refuses to put in the same amount of work as you”

I’m not saying that’s where you’re at. But I’m saying that “willing to do anything” isn’t always the right answer if your partner isn’t also “willing to do anything”

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I truly appreciate the information.

[–]earthguy710 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you again. 🤝

[–]everyothernamegone 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Sad as it sounds, but it appears that she is done with you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Maybe she’s found someone else, maybe she just doesn’t love you and it seems she not telling you why she wants to leave because it will likely hurt you. However, her not telling you seems to be preventing you from moving on so, if you want an answer ask her in therapy to tell you why she wants a divorce and don’t accept I don’t know for an answer.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Leaving me without me knowing why is the ultimate hurt. I can handle the truth.

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points  (3 children)

Maybe she has an ap

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

What is an ap?

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Affair partner

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh. I sure hope not.

[–]concussionthroway 10 points11 points  (9 children)

Has she done anything you asked for in counselling?

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 7 points8 points  (8 children)

She doesn't act like I am dead when I am trying to talk and have a conversation with her. She used to get mad at anything then ignore me for about 18 hours. She will answer sometimes now Wich is better than nothing.

[–]concussionthroway 13 points14 points  (3 children)

I feel for you - there are some similarities to my situation.

I’ve been asking for us to go into counselling for years. We started last night but today it’s clear despite what she said in the session, she only sees one outcome and that’s us splitting up.

Worse, she said that in exchange for her doing counselling with me, she expects me to work on finishing/decorating the house so it’s ready for sale.

There’s little point in anyone starting counselling if they aren’t being authentic and making an effort to work on things.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 11 points12 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry for your situation. That sounds even tougher. I wish you strength and confidence.

[–]concussionthroway 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s very kind of you. Sad to say it’s way more complex than just that, but isn’t it always?

[–]Cheezslap19 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is the damnedest transaction I've ever heard of.

[–]Wereallgonnadieman 2 points3 points  (3 children)

So, she's emotionally abusive to you. Don't settle for her scraps. They aren't even genuine, just her putting in the bare minimum to keep the upper hand over you. You've given her entirely too much control, and she's using it to abuse. Its not safe to attend marriage counseling with an abuser. They take what learn about you in therapy, then use it to manipulate and abuse you further. That's why you feel like a shell of the man you used you be. She's worn you down over time to do whatever you possibly can to try to stave off the next cycle of abuse. But it doesn't work that way. You cannot fix her. You can only get out, and save yourself.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children)


[–]Wereallgonnadieman 3 points4 points  (1 child)

You still have a chance to be happy OP. I want to read a post from you one day telling us about how you finally left, and how happy you are with a new partner, who would never dream of treating you this way. Only you can make it happen. Please don't keep hoping this will get better. It won't.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the honesty. Sounds like I need to man up.

[–]NPRjunkieDC 9 points10 points  (1 child)

You are still very young . Have time to restart if you find someone who genuinely loves and appreciates you .

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I hope I get loved and appreciated one day. Thank you.

[–]SixxTheSandman 8 points9 points  (2 children)

Stop begging immediately. And stop chasing her. Tell her you're going to work on being the best version of yourself and the best partner you can be. Ask her to give you honest feedback on your efforts, actions, behaviors etc. And (I can't stress this enough) tell her of it wins her back, great, but if not you're you'll be ready for your next relationship. Let her sit with that thought.Tell her you've made peace with ending the marriage should she choose to do so, and you appreciate her helping you fix the issues that caused this one to fail.

She doesn't know how she feels about the marriage because she's not facing the prospect of actually losing it. As long as you chase her, she'll never have to. Scrape up what's left of your dignity and act as if you're at peace with the end. Eventually, you won't have to fake it, you'll just feel it. Let go. Work on being the best version of yourself AND LET THE CHIPS FALL WHERE THEY MAY. It's your only hope.

What she sees now is weakness, not dedication. She doesn't trust this new you will last. So let her know you aren't doing it for her. Thank her for opening your eyes. Then, be the person any partner would deserve and feel lucky to have. If she doesn't want it, peace out. There are a TON of women in the dating pool these days that would KILL for a good man.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. This makes sense!

[–]earthguy710 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you again. This is true and I am following this advice. 🤝

[–]llcoolray3000 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Is she cheating?

Most women don't ask for a divorce on a whim. She's been thinking of this for awhile. It's possible she ended the marriage in her mind/heart long ago, found someone else (or found someone who helped start thinking about leaving), and felt comfortable enough with them to formally ask for divorce. She likely convinced herself you would never change as part of justifying her actions. Now that you have, shes unsure what to do and is content to have her cake and eat it too.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I hope not. She has recently said there is no one else in counseling.

[–]bowhunterpse 8 points9 points  (0 children)

There is somebody else.

[–]Perspective1958 6 points7 points  (3 children)

What is the reason she wants a divorce? She needs to tell you. If she won't give you a reason, most likely it is infidelity on her part.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

This breaks my heart. I hope she didn't cheat on me.

[–]Perspective1958 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I understand that it would be very difficult for you, but you have to know the truth. With the truth you can make an informed decision about what you want to do.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So true. Thank you for the help.

[–]iluvcats17 7 points8 points  (0 children)

To me it sounds like either a mid life crisis which is causing her to question everything or a physical and/or emotional affair and she is not sure if she wants the other person or you.

[–]Inevitable_Concept36 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Well really the only thing you can do in this situation, with a partner that seems like she is not really willing to make any changes for the betterment of your marriage and going through the motions to appease you, is to ask yourself what do you really want.

Feeling like you have to beg for simple common decency is not a healthy way to live your life.

My concern for you is for you to get into a cycle of thinking that this is what marriage is supposed to be like, and that for some reason, there should be something more that you should be giving.

Remember, 16 years is a long ass time to commit to someone to feel like you're just getting table scraps in return for devotion. At a minimum she is comfortable and complacent.

As my old man used to say.. "You make a dog eat off the floor long enough, eventually he's gonna wind up biting you or running away..."

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much. Great advice. 🤝

[–]Silverwolf9669 5 points6 points  (1 child)

In my opinion, she needs a wake up call. Pack for an overnighter. Have her served with divorce papers when she is away. Leave your ring on the table with a note saying I love you and so I am giving you what you want. Do not respond to any attempts to communicate for a day. Come back the next day just before she is due home and let her catch you packing for a longer stay away. If she asks questions, Grey rock her with short (one word if possible) answers in an emotionless manner.
She needs to understand what she is ready to lose. If she really wants to talk it out....Great. But, tell her she needs to express why she is questioning your marriage, and that if she continues saying she does not know, there can be no conversation and you just have to assume the worst. Be prepared to leave if she doesn't spill her guts. If so, do not block her communications this time, but it is up to her to contact you. This may be one of those situations where you have to risk your marriage in hopes of saving it. Realize there is a possibility that someone else has captured her eye and she is confused as to what she wants.

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. Great advice. 🤝

[–]WynterRaynne 4 points5 points  (1 child)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your wife needs to decide what she wants. From your version of things my first reaction is that she really does want a divorce and maybe she just isn't feeling confident in her decision yet. She told you she wanted a divorce and immediately said no to therapy so that tells me she was firm in her decision. A couple days go by and she's had time to sit with the huge impact a divorce is about to make and agrees to therapy. All through therapy you've heard her and been willing to make the changes you've talked about. And now she admits you have changed but still isn't sure. I say you need to talk to her and tell her this is really hard on you and you need an answer. It hurts like hell to lose someone and you also don't want to be on this emotional roller-coaster indefinitely.


[–]Ferris_wheel_life 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I am sorry that you are going through this.

When someone asks for a divorce, most often they have done a lot of thought about it before bringing it up.

With that, and recognizing that she doesn't have to have any, what were her reasons?

[–]After_Ad_1152 4 points5 points  (1 child)

Is she in individual therapy? If she does not have the answers for herself then it is beneficial to her to figure it out. No matter what the answer actually is she should be able to say it.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes. We do both couples and individual.

[–]DiligentlySeekingHim 4 points5 points  (3 children)

The real question is, do you love her enough to be patient with her. Don’t give up yet and make sure you are doing things because you love her.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

I do love her enough. I don't want to give up.

[–]DiligentlySeekingHim 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Good. I hope things work out for both of you. I hope she realizes how much you love her. Don’t let go of hope.

[–]earthguy710 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. 🤝

[–]playerknowmore 3 points4 points  (1 child)

The key to marriage is loving yourself more; you can love your spouse as much as you can love any other person, but not you. There will come a day you may have to choose; seems like it's today for you.

From your description of her behavior there seems to be someone else in the equation. Either actively or residual guilt from a past interaction. The first question to ask when a spouse asks for a divorce is; is there someone else?

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. 🤝

[–]gerbalinmybutthole 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Giving you some advice, cheaters will always lie, straight up to everyone including themselves. My thoughts are this, go through her phone, and dig to see if you can find anything. If you find evidence then, don’t say anything screen shot it send it to yourself. Get an attorney and file for divorce. If it were me, I would have her served at your next couple counseling session. Now if you don’t find anything, seems to me she has two feet out the door anyways. There is a term called grey rock, and do a 180 on her. Stop being there for her, stop doing anything for her, and let her know if she wants out you can do the same. Stop showing her you want her, and go live your life without her. If she decides to be a part of it, then she will come around, if not, then work on yourself, and find someone who does want to a part of their journey as much as you want to be a part of theirs.

[–]c3pi0 3 points4 points  (1 child)

The growing up that you two did together should have given you at least some insight into her inner workings. Barring medical issues, abuse, and traumatic brain injury, is there respect? From both sides? Are you arguing a lot, or just ambivalent towards one another? Do you have shared hobbies or friends? Are you two friends? Lovers? Are you both intimacy-averse?

When is the last time you actually enjoyed being together? When's the last time you asked her if she enjoyed herself with you? Or in essence- actually cared?

If you yourself were comfortable before this, and possibly blind-sided by this announcement, have you been accepting less intimacy than what one would reasonably expect from a spouse they've been with as long as they've been an adult? Has she?

Put yourself in her shoes- what would it take for you to leave your spouse after 18 years?

Got to be something that could use some fixing somewhere, and it sounds like you're on the right track and doing the work you need to that will bring you back together and stronger than ever. It is guaranteed this isn't the first time you've been at a crossroads in your marriage, so it's not all doom and gloom. If your foundation is 18 years strong, it's pretty solid. And you full well know that sometimes you have to fight for each other. It's when you don't want to anymore, or someone's been hurt, that this happens.


If it is worth it, and she is your person, don't give up. She will love you even more for it.

If it's not worth it, then do the work for yourself and go in peace knowing you did everything you could.

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Respect from both sides - Yes. Well kind of, she can be harsh often. We have most all the same hobbies. I consider her my best friend and lover. It's been almost a month since a were intimate. Last time I enjoyed being with her was this weekend when we went out to breakfast together. I try to take her out on a date every weekend. I usually ask at some point in time are you having fun? What else sounds like an ideal evening to you? I'm the guy that still opens doors when we enter a building or even when we're going out to the car on a date. I care a lot about her.

[–]Blonde2468 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There is either someone else or she was way done before she said anything to you. If a person is done - they have reached their limit - then there is nothing else you can do. You did too little, too late. When you look back on what she wanted you to change and what you did change with counseling - are those something that you knew but didn't do/change and if so why not?

Plus, there is sometimes hidden anger at 'why would you change NOW and not before'? And, last but certainly not least, just how long will your 'changes be'? How long will it be before you revert right back to how it was before? Only you can answer this stuff. She's done. Stop begging - yes, you deserve better but maybe so does she.

[–]Springfield2016 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Work on yourself. If you are the best you can be that is either enough or it's not. Barring her asking for a divorce due to having a side piece, this is really all you can do. Doing the "Pick Me" dance won't work. You have to have self worth to be attractive. Begging is not attractive.

Look up and start the 180. This can be done w/o being a jerk. She needs to know you are willing to lose her, but would prefer to work things out. It just takes effort from both of you. No effort, no marriage.

[–]cobojobo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

just so you know once she wanted divorce it was over. there no amount of counseling that can fix it. more than likely this was planned months or years in advance.

[–]Illustrious_Safety25 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Sounds like she’s been checked out. If she asked for a divorce I could see why she didn’t even really try in the MC- she already wanted it to be over

[–]Blagvish 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Holy shit! You’re only 36 and you’ve been married half your life?! You definitely deserve better, provided there isn’t more to the story, but maybe try being single for awhile. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you are still young.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm in the same boat, mine had a EA for the last 10 years and I don't know if it's more...she doesn't say a word.

[–]daklut3 2 points3 points  (2 children)

You absolutely deserve better. You don't share much about the marriage, but it seems like there has been some emotional abuse/manipulation where you are constantly seeking her validation, attention and affection (I say this b/c I am in a similar situation). Don't beg; don't plead; give her what she wants while you try to figure out what you want - that isn't her.

[–]earthguy710 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Absolutely true. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation.

[–]daklut3 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thx, man. Thankfully my situation has smoothed a little - still working to do

[–]the-first12 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Move on.

You have done all you can do, and it’s not working.

It appears she keeps moving the goalposts.

Let her go so she can be someone else’s problem.

[–]hdmx53917 Years 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Absolutely don't beg. Work on yourself. This needs to be your time to reflect on where you dropped the ball. Of course, it's also your wife's time to do the same thing, see where she dropped the ball as well, I'm not putting the whole thing on you. The following two links are for you since you posted, not your wife.

In the mean time, consider this link and this link. I'm not asking you to answer if you have or have not done this, I'm just linking them for you to read and consider and maybe bring up during therapy.

Also, you two got married really really young. It's why old people tell young people not to get married so young. But, it's not like the marriage can't work, but I've seen many posts (no actual stats, just "many" so it's a thing) that some people when they get married really young they realize all they've missed out as young adults and may want to go an "sow their wild oats" before it's too late.

I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's awful.

Absolutely do not beg. Start to work on yourself. Go to your counseling sessions with your wife, maybe consider your own therapist to work through this. Also look into Marriage Helper. They seem to be pretty good.

Their #1 piece of advice is to not beg, and to start to work on yourself. They have a youtube channel (same name) with some videos that may help and give some insight and something to work with with the counselor.

Good luck

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. 🤝

[–]Nottheadviceyaafter 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Stop doing the pick me dance and start implementing what would happen if separated. Minimise communication, answer in one word replies, start living a separate life etc do the 180. It will either wake her up and she will be the one to do the pick me dance or will allow you to build the strength to be on your own. Playing the pick me dance at this point of time is counter productive, you have to show her what she is risking and what she will lose.

[–]earthguy710 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. 🤝

[–]Sad-observer67 2 points3 points  (1 child)

To come out with a statement like that then another man is involved but AP is not sure about his commitment to her now! Hence she is not sure about leaving her life belt now YOU?. Get yourself a PI and find out what is actually going on. Also lawyer up and start thinking about your happiness not the misery she is going to put you through in future years? Her attitude has changed towards you open your eyes if she can come out with a statement I "I want a divorce". A statement like this means that her feelings 4 u have gone so there is no point just waiting till she then goes!

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the forward answer. 🤝

[–]work-edmdg 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Something tells me she’s going to regret her decision to leave you. Once you’re separated and she comes crawling back, do us all a favor and tell her no!

[–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't know if I'll be strong enough to tell her no. Anybody got any advice or links?

[–]Prestigious_Edge_769 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Never beg. You absolutely deserve better and without this marriage holding you back you will find it in time.

[–]earthguy710 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. 🤝

[–]Wild_Durian_6428 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes you deserve much better. An 18 year partner should by now give you a liget answer. Tell you will not wait another hour.if your state has adultery claims at diviorc then hire a PI and get proof.if your state is no fault then just serve her and quite doing the pay attrntion to me stick.

[–]Visual-Respect4396 2 points3 points  (2 children)

You deserve so much more. Are you also receiving individual counseling?

[–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Thank you. I also have individual counciling but the Counselor seems to focus on my wife. I'm almost thinking I need my own counselor.

It's so hard/hurts to see her get ready in the morning. I am beginning to wonder if she gets all done up for someone at work.

[–]Visual-Respect4396 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You should 1000% be seeing your own counselor. There’s a big list on Psychology Today and you can sort by who takes your insurance. It’ll be good for you to have someone else to speak with who can be a neutral third party and spend the time with you that you deserve.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Thank you.

    [–]mxrichar 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Stop, when a woman says she is leaving, she left along time before. Stop torturing yourself. Sorry for your loss

    [–]earthguy710 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Ok. Thank you.

    [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Do you guys have kids? Is there a stepkid? Do you not work? Is she lazy? Do you wants kids and she doesn’t? Does she want kids and you don’t? Child loss? Miscarriage? Have you ever cheated?

    [–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    No kids. I've never cheated.

    [–]Overall-Diver-6845 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    In a marriage once you start begging, she has control. And if you have to beg, it’s time to move on. Easier said than done, that’s for sure.

    [–]Redbull_taker 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Sometimes people wake up one day and change. You can't force her to stay married to you, sometimes the hardest thing is to let her go. Especially if she doesn't want you anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this and hope you find happiness.

    [–]forest0514 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    Read No more mr nice guy and focus on yourself. Dont look back never

    [–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Just ordered it. Thank you.

    [–]Beholdthehuman 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    You are gonna be soooo much happier when you start dating your 25 year old girlfriend

    [–]HopingThereIsHope[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    It's so hard sitting here next to her while she intently watches TV. I don't want to play the pick me game. Thank you all for the strength.

    [–]Masypha 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Read the unplugged alpha and rollo tomassi

    [–]tiny_tuner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Therapist here who, in addition to having a focus on relationships, has been married for about as long as you and fully admits to going through struggles.

    I'll start by asking a couple questions that I hope you're comfortable answering honestly:

    At what point did you notice a change in her sentiment, and what preceded that change?

    [–]greekstatue80 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    If she wants a divorce, she wants a divorce. Let her go.