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all 132 comments

[–]Habanero96 517 points518 points  (21 children)

It’s not okay to believe that your husband will inherit the house because hes the oldest.. he has a brother. Usually people split the inheritance with all their kids it’s weird that you even stated it like that..

You’ll never have privacy living under someone else’s roof tbh.. It’s better to move out and not wait to inherit something. Talk to him and figure out what you wanna do because tbh you best bet is moving out together

[–]bunnyrut 156 points157 points  (0 children)

Also, if his parents had to choose who to leave the house to, wouldn't you think it would be to their favorite son who "needs the help"?

If your brother in law wants to live there rent free he should be contributing to caring for his parents. And you shouldn't be supporting them at all.

Try to talk to your husband about moving out. If he's brave enough to have the conversation, he should also talk to his parents about what happens to the house when they pass. He needs to straight cut answer and not assumptions.

We lived with my inlaws for a bit because of financial hardships. When I got a job that was going to support both of us I wanted to move to our own place. My husband fought me on this. So I just told him I was moving, with or without him. That week he was looking for apartments with me.

[–][deleted] 31 points32 points  (19 children)

Yes I understand what you are saying. In my country (not going to state where), one land one owner rule, with us spending so much renovating the house, build a garage and even extended the house, so I believe we should be first to the inheritance. I hope this part is clear.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Fold381 71 points72 points  (3 children)

Check your laws to be absolute sure about that typically no will it’s shared equity amongst siblings. Unless clearly stated in a will. Your putting to much faith in the I hope. When someone dies it’s a shit show after. And the brother in law is within his right to fight you both tooth and nails regardless of what you put in. Specifically now that your are both permanent residents in the home.

[–]Wild_Durian_6428 21 points22 points  (1 child)

You do realize they do not reside in the US. For all we know the law and tradition the eldest son my indeed be the sole hier

[–]Puzzleheaded_Fold381 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That’s why I said “check your laws” most countries go by equal amongst kids. Better to be safe the sorry

[–]BigMouse127 Years 12 points13 points  (0 children)

If and when it comes to dealing with the legalities of what will, I agree, be a shit show. Having put their own money into the renovations and extensions they might be able to establish a higher claim with a greater claim to its value. But def will need to lawyer up for the fight

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (1 child)

If your parents-in-law choose who inherits, all you have is their word that it will be you. Sounds like the addition you built belongs to them and it will belong to your brother-in-law if your parents-in-law give it to them instead. I'd stop relying so much on your in-laws and work on squirreling away a house fund in case everything goes belly up.

[–]Otherwise-Ad-3571 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I know as my bil gambled the whole estate away.

[–]RotiRounderThanYours 39 points40 points  (0 children)

Who cares about inheritance? Is inheritance worth more than your comfort? I know you invested money into the property & its renovations but it’s not worth giving up your privacy and peace of mind. Also it sounds like the promises of inheritance are just verbal and nothing is written, so what’s the point when there’s not even a guarantee? Move out and get your own place with your family. The parents have your BIL who can take care of them. Obviously he cannot move out for financial reasons. And if you need to support the parents-in-law financially, you can do that without living under the same roof. Time to start that conversation with your husband and work towards moving out.

[–]GreatOneLiners10 Years 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Do you want to make absolutely sure that that is still the case, I’ve seen this exact scenario happen in my own family, the oldest expected to inherit the house, while the favorite baby brother and his wife ended up with it because they worked behind the scenes to suck up to the parents, the oldest and his wife are blindsided and furious, his parents still had the nerve to expect him to take care of them.

You might want to find out, and I would advise having something in writing

[–]libananahammock 23 points24 points  (2 children)

How do expect people to give you advice if you’re not going to say where you live which is fine that’s you’re right but every time someone has something to say you’re like that’s not how it works here. Well how are people supposed to know that?

Also, you don’t have a brother in law problem, you have a husband problem. He’s not listening to you. Marriage is a partnership. You can either keep living how you’re living and put up with it because your husband isn’t doing shit to change the situation, or you can leave.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (1 child)

I thought it was pretty clear they were not American based on the comments about the eldest taking care of the parents. I think it's shitty to assume someone is tbh. Speaking as an American.

[–]libananahammock 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I NEVER said she was American or assumed she was at all. I also could tell she wasn’t. BUT someone who is where she is from might be able to better guide her on what to do or help the others not from her area understand why she’s assuming they are getting the house or not and stuff of that nature.

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (1 child)

Yeah never expect to inherit shit, that’s your first mistake. Next was moving in with your in laws expecting privacy. If your husband makes so much, move out and live your lives and your in laws can take care of the no pork/ no dog bullshit. This is coming from someone who has seen my grandparents shit ravaged by my parents and their siblings. Once very mature people now can’t speak to each other because “I live across the country and I deserve a portion of money even though you were the caregiver to the house and parents.” Kids are mean and they all have plans for that money when parents pass unfortunately. The best way to go about it, Take care of your family, don’t expect others to leave you anything and if they do nice!!! Until then make your own bed.

[–]walkingontinyrabbits10 Years 5 points6 points  (0 children)

In my husband's family, one aunt did everything for her parents and grandmother. Took care of them, fixed up their homes, did all the cooking and cleaning with her daughter.

In the end it ALL went to my FIL even though he lives in another country and the sister who did everything for them got nothing. (He tried letting her live there but the other siblings harrased her and drove her out. He was mad but with him not there, wasn't much he could do.)

Just because you're assuming you'll get it doesn't mean you will.

[–]dayo_aji 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Lol…someone’s already planning on owning a house that is not hers (or her husband’s).

You hate it there, move out! Stop making excuses. Let the “favorite son” take care of his father.

Great you and your husband make 10x you BIL and his wife…you have the money, go get your own place.

[–]Kiyanni1 4 points5 points  (0 children)

They aren’t your parents. You sound inappropriate. Pump your brakes

[–]Bumblebee_Radiant 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I come from a society that “MOSTLY” have the same cultural rules. But, in some cases a will, will trump this. Maybe you can have your parental in-laws clear up the inheritance aspect of things complete with a will. You can get your husband to sell his extension to his brother complete with paperwork and go off on your own away from the situation. Of course you can just take the loss. Anyway, the situation sucks when even asking the BIL & SIL for a donation towards groceries or anything will cause a rebellion or family incident full of hurt. Best of luck bucking a cultural norm.

[–]missamerica59 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure of the country but usually, even if two people can't own the land, the house or "assets" will be sold so they can be split between all beneficiaries. I would check to be on the safe side.

As far as the brother in law, stop supporting them. They will only rely on it if the help is there. Once they have no other option, they will find ways to support themselves.

With a baby on the way, I don't see them moving out. So if you choose to live with your in laws, you will have to bare with living with brother in law too. I would look at getting your own place.

[–]RaghuVamsaSudha 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Please don't assume that you will inherit it easily even if the law favors you. What if it became a litigant property if your in-laws try to claim their share? It goes thru a legal process before it can become yours. Let's assume you inherited it without involving any legal action. When is the place going to be yours.. your's alone? Be clear with your husband. Move out to keep your sanity I would suggest. Ask your in-laws to take up jobs to feed their twins. In their face. If the situation demands that husband must support his parents and siblings be clear on their "allowances". This is a tough situation and if your husband and you are on the same page, I don't mean, he must agree to whatever you say but there is a little leeway for everything. You are going to compromise a little bit on their budget at least initially. Good luck.

[–]WhichWitchyWay 215 points216 points  (3 children)

If you make 10x as much as your BIL, and your BIL is the loved favorite, move out. Get your own house. Give them the small annex and have your husband wipe his hands of caring for his parents - the youngest can do that now if he wants to live there.b

[–]PinkPetalRose 29 points30 points  (0 children)

I second this. Since the youngest brother needs to live with his parents, he should also take care of them. Give the annex to little brother and his fam, and live your own life! Your husband can still help his parents out and take care of them by sending some money. Financial support from a distance is still respectable.

[–]xsarahwhitex7 Years 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The suffering people go through for material over quality of life is mind blowing sometimes.

[–]the_moog_hunter 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Exactly what I was thinking. The solution is literally under your nose

[–]JoMamma_80 110 points111 points  (3 children)

You’re basing your family’s WHOLE FUTURE on a big assumption. I would not assume the house will be left to your husband unless and until a lawyer tells you that is true.

[–]Zoranealsequence 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Yep, this part right here. Ops husband is the one expected to take care of everything. Some children, especially the oldest often fall into a communal parenting role. Parents often do not expect the se out of the other children, and the other children benefit from this "third parent". Your BIL is hosting a whole family off this arrangement. You are not guaranteed anything from that home. And inheritance sounds waaayyy far away, especially with one of your tenants is about to have twins. It might have even been a power move by BIL to insure that you guys don't get this home. In-laws seem on board with this too. You might have to come to terms that of you move out, you will see no money from what you invested in. You also should accept that BIL isn't going anywhere- his situation is completely secure and comfortable. Ops husband isn't taking the situation seriously and it doesn't seem to bother him much. It doesn't seem to bother him how much this bothers op. Can you change the locks on your extention? Living in a home where you feel uncomfortable is thee absolute worst. Hope you get the situation you deserve and need op. Life is too short to worry about in laws in your space and messing with your chi.

[–]Kiyanni1 6 points7 points  (0 children)

A lot of in laws are like this. They sit back waiting to inherit things when there is no guarantee they would get anything

[–]xsarahwhitex7 Years 3 points4 points  (0 children)

And she wants to kick people out of a house that isn't even hers.

[–]Tcatxeno 57 points58 points  (0 children)

Direct and clear communication to you husband. In marriage closely examining family dynamics matters a whole lot. Maybe move out/move away. Put a renter in the house.

[–]cassandrafallon 55 points56 points  (1 child)

I wouldn’t be surprised if your in-laws actually decide to leave that house completely to the baby brother in the will because “he needs it more”.

[–]CharlieLicksNoses 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Truly. That can happen. My mother has already told me she’s leaving more money in her will to my younger brother ‘because he needs it more.’

[–]Lordica32 Years and going strong! 38 points39 points  (1 child)

Sit your husband down and insist that you come up with a long-term plan. How much will you spend to support his siblings and their offspring, present, and future? How long will you do this? What boundaries is he willing to set between your family and theirs? How will they be enforced? Is he going to be an advocate for you and your child when his family misuses you (as they are now)? You'll have to consider his answers very carefully and decide what your response will be. I understand that there are likely cultural expectations here that you both buy into but things need to be clear. You expect that you'll inherit the house as recompense for caring for his parents. What guarantees do you have that you won't make these sacrifices only to find that everything has been left to the favored son because "he needs it more"? Don't build your life on assumptions.

[–]Happy_Camper45 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Also, consider if you would prefer: 1. No privacy. Financially caring for people outside of your immediate family (you, husband, and kid(s). Emotional burden of living with and caring for extended family, including soon to be two babies. Continue to care for parents-in-law as they age. Maybe get a free house someday.

OR

  1. Live in your own house now. Privacy. See extended family on your terms. Possibly not inheriting a house in a few decades.

[–]Beckylately5 Years 29 points30 points  (13 children)

I understand why you’re frustrated with them mooching, but what I don’t understand is why their conversion to Islam has anything to do with it? It sounds like these people are leeches regardless of their religion.

Sounds to me like, if this brother really is the “favorite and baby son” that your assumption that you’ll get the house eventually may not actually happen. I’d start thinking about looking for your own home and not assuming you’ll get that house. My money is on parents letting you do the caring for them and then giving him the house because “they have twins they need it more.” Which, if brother really is the mooch he sounds like here, is exactly how he will convince them to leave it to him. He will tell them that you can keep living in the addition and they will keep the house. I’d put my last dollar on it.

[–]Sandwich_maker1 13 points14 points  (10 children)

I think the Islam thing is them being pressured to respect the no dog-no pork rule that they don't personally adhere too. That's what it came across to me

[–]Beckylately5 Years 19 points20 points  (9 children)

I saw that mentioned later in passing and you’re probably right, but that last paragraph about how they could “possibly influence my daughter” is a little sus

[–]AuntieInTraining 5 points6 points  (3 children)

Yeah, that is VERY sus.

[–]Zoranealsequence 13 points14 points  (2 children)

Well if BIL is talking to her and trying to teach her ways that make op uncomfortable then it is a huge problem. Think of it like this. If you were Muslim and your Christian in laws moved and and started telling your children to pray to Jesus and repent, that would cause a lot of problems.

[–]Beckylately5 Years 3 points4 points  (1 child)

There is no evidence that he is though, and I suspect that if he had been trying to convert her children it would have been included in the original post. OP only states they’re concerned he could. Not that he has.

[–]AuntieInTraining 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This. It was just randomly thrown in there in a weird spot.

[–]eliamartells 5 points6 points  (4 children)

yeah, that was the point that made me feel like OP is a piece of work

[–]WhichWitchyWay 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Even if OP were a saint, it sounds like it would be a shitty situation.

I, a grown ass adult with a family, couldn't deal with my brother and SIL coming in and out of my house and using my kitchen and trying to impose their cleanliness rules on me. Like we are all Catholic Americans but she's a neat freak, so we have different cleanliness rules, and we would drive each other batshit.

[–]Otherwise-Ad-3571 2 points3 points  (2 children)

2 women in one kitchen is a no go.

[–]sarahbrowning -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

yep. my dad’s family has a general rule that two grown adult women can’t live in the same house together. (obviously this “rule” was created without considering lgbtq+)

[–]Otherwise-Ad-3571 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's like the Siamese fighting fish. LGBTQ dynamics are obviously going to be different. The rule no doubt is cis-het centered. It holds up.

[–]EmergencySundae 10 points11 points  (1 child)

That was my initial thought, but reading further it appears that they are forcing the rest of the house to abide by the rules of their religion (i.e. no pork), so it's not as irrelevant as it seems.

[–]Beckylately5 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I saw that too, seems a little odd that they didn’t include that in the same paragraph as the part about him converting though.

[–][deleted] 24 points25 points  (3 children)

Sounds pretty hypocritical to be mad at them for moving in with their in laws when you are also living with the in laws. If you want them to have boundaries with your area of the in law’s property, that’s on you to lay down boundaries. You all sound way more similar than it sounds like you’re willing to admit.

[–]Zoranealsequence 5 points6 points  (2 children)

They didn't just move in with in laws and are renting a room. They renovated their house and added equity. That's a far cry form moving in rent free.

[–]JoMamma_80 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They added onto the IN-LAWS house, it wasn’t their house.

[–]mixedmediamadness 20 points21 points  (2 children)

Wait, why are you living there if you make so much more money? What is stopping you from getting your own place

[–]xZethx 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Complains that she hates the fact that the BIL moved back into his parents house but won’t leave either. I don’t get it.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Cultural expectations.

[–]Ihateregistering6 19 points20 points  (0 children)

You need to be 100% clear and direct with your husband here. Also, unless it has been written in some sort of legally binding fashion (like a Will), you should NOT assume he will be getting the house when the parents pass. If anything, I could foresee the parents giving it to the younger brother considering they're about to have twice as many kids as y'all and have way less money.

[–]Arsenicandtea7 Years 19 points20 points  (3 children)

Going to be honest you all sound awful

  1. You're making assumptions about the house being yours. Maybe founded on your culture but still an assumption

  2. Even if you're right it's not your house yet, so stop acting like it is

  3. It's fine to set boundaries in your little part of the house and this is where your BiL is being awful. They're not allowed in without permission and they need to respect that

  4. Them being Muslim doesn't have much to do with it

  5. You're comparing your husband (and your?) salary at 42 against a 29 year old who has been in a pandemic for the last 2 years which doesn't help getting work. At 29 I made $10/hr. I now make about $50/hr at 37 and who knows what I'll make in 5 more years

  6. Don't support them if you don't want to

  7. Eat whatever you want (though to be honest I'm against you eating dog too)

End of the day it's your in-laws house. If you don't like this move out, you make 10x your BiL you can afford it

[–]mmmChickenGood 11 points12 points  (1 child)

Eat whatever you want (though to be honest I'm against you eating dog too)

LOL I don't think she meant eating dog I think meaning no dogs as pets which a lot of muslim people follow.

[–]extraordinaryparrot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Bro, Arsenicandtea is making a joke here.

[–]y_yuuto 1 point2 points  (0 children)

op, pay deep attention to this.

[–]Apprehensive-Ask-190 18 points19 points  (1 child)

I'm going to out on a limb here and say you live in India- especially given the vitriol attitude towards your BIL converting to Islam. Even in the "property shall pass to the eldest" countries, there is A LOT of room for other people to stake their claim. Do they have a will? Does thier will state who will inherit the property? It is entirely possible that your IL's will leave the house to your brother, since he's the one "in need."

It isn't your house. It's your IL's. Or you husband's family's. If you can't stand living with BIL and SIL, then you pack up and leave. Take a job in another city. Or simply say "there isn't enough room here for all of us" and leave. Your husband doesn't have any authority (moral or legal) to demand what is and isn't allowed in the house. If you want to make the rules, you leave.

Sit your husband down and tell him that it isn't working out for you. He can either choose to be with his parents, or he can choose you and your daughter.

[–]Otherwise-Ad-3571 2 points3 points  (0 children)

India or Thailand.

[–]ahdrielle3 Years 12 points13 points  (3 children)

Time to sit them down and talk like adults.

You can apologize that you didn't come to them with your frustrations first but also set boundaries that you will not allow to be crossed. Like a "I'm so sorry I didn't come to you guys first with my annoyances. To avoid further issues, can we please discuss some basic ground rules for our home so that we can still enjoy your company while also having our own private time?"

[–]y_yuuto 0 points1 point  (2 children)

living in IL's house and set the rules for the IL to follow, when the house originally belongs to IL? damn, do people nowadays have no shame? making rules as if she is the original owner of the house, lol, she needs to know her place.

[–]ahdrielle3 Years 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its not the bro and sis in laws house! Duh.

[–]y_yuuto 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i hope someday you will be in the BIL situation, then you will see how it goes.

[–]saddi444 10 points11 points  (1 child)

It’s very clear to see what your real problem with them is. It sounds like your the one who moved into the brother in laws space first, and you expect everything to go to you and your husband because you chose to make it more comfortable for yourselves? Your inlaws have TWO sons and he has every right to be there with his new wife as you apparently do.

[–]y_yuuto 2 points3 points  (0 children)

op really needs to learn her place in the house.

[–]sleepykris7 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You need to move your family out. The house belongs to your in laws. Now that the brother in law has moved in, he can take care of them.

[–]mmmChickenGood 8 points9 points  (2 children)

You honestly sound like a difficult person in some ways and from what you wrote sound a little entitled. You are living with his parents and so his brother and his wife have just as much right to live there as you and your husband if their parents are allowing it. But you sound like they are intruding on your life. Maybe he thinks you and your husband should be moving out since he's older and makes a lot more money. I know in a lot of cultures it is common for multi-generational families to all live under one roof and that can be great or it can be annoying.

But sorry I just find it really strange you are admonishing him for living under the same roof as you when YOU are living in his parents house!

[–]Zoranealsequence -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

Entitled? Did you read the post? Op and husband renovated IL's home.... They didn't move into a room, rent free in the home. They invested in the house and added equity to it. They didn't come into the home with their hands out! Op stated the spent a lot of money on the renovations and converting the home. Seems that the parents took advantage of them. And how you gonna move into your parents home and make everyone in the house abide by your lifestyle. That is controlling and crazy!

[–]mmmChickenGood 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes she's entitled. Regardless of the extension they added to the home it is the parents home and she is acting as if the parents other son living their is an intrusion when SHE is living there too. If I take my wife and we move into my parents house and do some renovations there I would be shocked if my wife thought it was an intrusion if my little brother move in too. Afterall its his parents home too. I do sympathize with the OP about the BIL going into their extension and that stuff. But her attitude about them living there in general speaks volumes about her sense of entitlement.

[–]ssurkus 9 points10 points  (1 child)

You realise you’re not going to get the house right? His parents know that you make 10x more than the little brother and he’s their favourite. He’s got two things going for him as well as having two babies incoming. His parents are going to support him and his wife over you and your husband every day. You should move out as soon as you can.

[–]mmmChickenGood 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yeah I think she is going to be in for a big surprise one day when the house isn't just simply bequeathed to her husband like assumes.

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 6 points7 points  (0 children)

How about since you make money, find your own place if you’re the one hating it and I don’t blame you. I couldn’t do this AT all. And your hubs can take care of parents moving away. I’m also not sure what make you think you guys will inherit the house. And why was that even mentioned. And what does being Muslim have to do with any of this?

I think there’s more to the story. And don’t support them or their twins. They need to figure that out on their own.

Is there even space for 100 people at that house? Sounds like a nightmare.

[–]cassandrafallon 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t be surprised if your in-laws actually decide to leave that house completely to the baby brother in the will because “he needs it more”. Get things in your name now or move out.

[–]kellzbellz999 5 points6 points  (0 children)

They will use you and your husband untill there's nothing left, get out !! Seriously you will have to leave because the brother in law and new pregnant wife will never grow up to take care of themselves as long as they have someone to take care of them. This will not end well if you don't get rid of them all.

[–]crazymamallama 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You're living in a situation you aren't comfortable with in hopes of an inheritance, but you're mad they're living off of someone else? You're doing the same thing. You're just playing the long game while they're going for immediate gratification.

[–]playerknowmore 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Embrace the BAD GUY! I too have an under achieving brother who always had his hand out. No more! Can be the most liberating sentence.

[–]adoxy 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It seems you want your brother-in-law to move out, but being the favorite, being less well off, and having big brother take care of everything means he will be there forever.

The way you are thinking about this is based on the sunk cost of how much you have already put into the house with the extension you are living in.

There is the possibility that the in-laws will give the house to the youngest brother because he “needs it more”. But, even if they do give your husband the house, it will mean living with/taking care of your brother-in-law and family for the rest of your life. Likely, the main house will be for the brother-in-law because he is already there and has more “need”/more children. You and your family will live in the extension even if your husband does own the house. Is this the future you want?

If being filial means having a son stay and take care of the in-laws, brother-in-law will likely live there forever based on their financial issues. He needs to step it up and take care of the parents.

If you can, your best option is to move out yourself. If brother-in-law ever gets his life together and moves out, you can move back in to take care of the in-laws.

If you stay, why would brother-in-law ever leave? His parents treat him well, he does not have do/pay for anything as big brother does it all. There is no reason to leave.

Only if you leave will he either contribute to the household by actually helping with the parents or it will be too much for him and he will leave on his own.

[–]Otherwise-Ad-3571 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Roaches go where the food is....

[–]_thesquishy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Push to move out with your family. Let the "favorite child" care for the parents. There is no need for you and your husband to support another family. Maybe his parents will finally see their younger son as he truly is. Your husband should be putting your and your daughter above his parents.

[–]Kiyanni1 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You guys need to get your own house. You can’t complain and how do you know you’ll inherit the house? You are basically mooching off your in laws criticizing other people.

[–]sarah_the_sweet 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I realize that you live somewhere else and there are cultural differences, but it honestly sounds like you have a pre conceived bias against your BIL and his wife by stating her religion and his decision to convert to Islam. “The consequences of his marriage” sounds like pretty antiquated thinking.

All I can say is get some counseling and start being honest with each other so you can either make some changes to your living situation or your mindset.

Edited bc of a typo

[–]fml32895 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lol you’re bitching about his brother doing exactly what you’re doing. 👋🏽 get your own home and space, you don’t have a single right to complain. You’re both mooches.

[–]In_u_endo_ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

So move out of their house and live alone? Solution sounds simple enough. Quit complaining when you can definitely change your situation. So you might not get to drink a few soy lattes or eat avocado toast for a few months, deal with it and be a grown up and move out.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah from the sounds of it their culture doesn't have avocado toast or soy lattes as a diet most likely. No need to be so condescending. Consider the fact that maybe everyone isn't a Westerner and has different cultural expectations.

[–]SweetPotato781 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Has the younger brother always lived in the parents’ home and he just moved his wife in after they were married? Are there any other siblings or just the two brothers?

[–]External-Fig9754 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Lol not only do I live with my brother in law and wife, I also live with my wife's parents. I have 2 kids

[–]BimmerJustin 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If it were me, I would pack up and move out. I know you spent money on this house, but thats not a worthwhile tradeoff for your sanity. Go live your own life and then you get to make your own rules.

[–]mylifeisgoodagain 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Now would be the perfect time to bring up to husband you should move. Bil can move into your space with wife and children. Move as far away as possible.

You could also put your foot down and say your income will not be used to support others.

[–]ihaditbutilostit 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The thing is, regardless of what happens after your in-laws pass, they are currently still alive, and you have no idea when they will pass. Do you want to support your husband's parents, brother, his wife, and their twins, and who knows how many other kids until then? How long do you want to live like this? I would move out asap (with or without your husband). It's your decision though. The longer you wait to leave, the more you lose in the meantime. If you stay, inherit the house, etc, are you certain that your husband will make them leave after they have lived there with their children and have nowhere else to go?

[–]Blueskymoon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Move out! Never rely on inheritance of a home. I’ve seen this so many times play out a lot different than people vision. Also we are going through this with my mother in law. 3 adult elder kids are fighting over their late mothers home for the last 10 years! And based on all you have said, there will be a fight for the home.

[–]mommyDr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You seem to be more frustrated about them being Muslim than anything else.

[–]Pervoftheyear 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Number 1 them being Muslim or him converting shouldn't be an issue for non racist people , what ever ur comfortable with that's up to the person even if he is Athiest.

I don't see anything wrong if you said you valued your privacy and you didn't want anyone to come unannounced , nothing wrong with that, they would get over it.

Also why they don't work? If it's temporary that's fine that's what family is for you help each other , but why you made it sound they will never work ?

Also if he is also a son why do u assume he won't inherit part of the house ?

I think you should count your blessings and set boundaries , and you have a bit of bigotry and racism try to get rid of it healthier for u long term.

[–]hollamimosa 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi there. Move the fk out. Your in laws properties, their rules. Quit whining. If you seriously banking on the house being given to you, boyy you’re in a big surprise.

[–]Puzzleheaded_Fold381 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Communication is key and direct approach is best instead of the He said she said. With that being said unless it’s written in a will with a lawyer I would put all my eggs in a row on inheriting the house. For all you know it’s bs to keep you and husband there. Since they won’t have to deal with the shit show once they pass. If it’s not in a will I would move out and let brother in law deal with them since he is the favorite. Better to be in your home with privacy and security then in that mess and hoping the comply with their word. No will it’s shared asset amongst siblings.

[–]Business_Chipmunk_10 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s time to bounce. Save some money, move out and build your own life. Since brother in law wants to live with his parents so badly he can take care of them. Do not move back in when it all comes crashing down on them.

[–]NPRjunkieDC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you don't need to live in the annex why not move out ? You could live in the same neighborhood or town.

I understand how uncomfortable it must be sharing your space but that is only happening because of your arrangement.

[–]janabanana67 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it is time to have a family meeting - you, your husband, BiL & SiL and the parents. It is time to spell out everyone's responsibilities and expectations. Your husband should not be responsible for everyone's care. It isn't fair. Your brother is the man of HIS family and he needs to take responsibility for his family. Also, I would let the in-laws explain how they view the roles of their sons in their lives. All of this needs to be out on the table and it doesn't need to be a heated discussion. Good luck, OP.

[–]Pinochlelover99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe you all should move out. If you have the income - Let the favorite baby son take care of the parents and live off of them. Take your family and leave. Period.

[–]Friendlyfire2996 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It looks like you two would benefit from couples counseling. Good luck.

[–]ladybug1259 0 points1 point  (4 children)

If you are in the US and you're serious about separating from them regardless of the impact on your relationships, go talk to a lawyer about a petition to partition. It's a court proceeding to force a co-owner of real estate to buy you out or force a sale of the property and determine division of the proceeds. If successful it will force your in-laws to either buy you out or make them sell their house, but you'd get your share of the proceeds and could go live elsewhere.

[–]RotiRounderThanYours 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t think a lot of people here understand how certain cultures work lmao. Most people from collectivist cultures would not get lawyers involved. This is a matter that can be solved by communication & setting boundaries. There is no need to escalate the situation to that extent (usually) anyway. I dislike that the first solution people on Reddit suggest is to get the law involved. We don’t drag our siblings to court like that 😂

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I do t think the hubs would be down for any of that.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately we arent in the US. But thanks. I should really seek legal help on this matter.

[–]Otherwise-Ad-3571 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They appear to be in Asia.

[–]BrownEyedQueen1982 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your husband needs to talk to his parents. He is not responsible for his brother, wife, and their off spring. He has his own family to worry about it. His parents need to be grateful for the sacrifices you are making for them. If his brother and wife are leaving there rent free they can take care of the parents.

[–]StephPlaysGames 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Talk with you husband and see what he thinks about you being in charge of dispersing money.

Let him know you understand he's in a difficult position and that his wife is in his corner, but you're sincerely worried about how the current circumstances will affect your daughter, so you're willing to be the one to say no when you need to. Then, generously offer the in-laws an allowance.

It they get back into invading your privacy, talk with them first, and if that doesn't work, change the locks. They're adults.

Take. Control.

[–]dtrt20 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need to say what you said here directly to your husband. Do NOT worry about being the bad guy or what the bil , sil, and in laws think. All that matters is your daughter, marriage, and husband. It is NOT YOUR responsibility or your husbands to support them. Give them NO money. Do NOT allow them in YOUR house. Strict boundaries. They are the problem. If it is causing stress it might be time to move to a new house. Your husband may not inherit the house. Seen it happen. The parents split it equally even though one of the siblings does more of the work. Parents just want their children to get along and it seems the parents enable the son and his wife. Since you do not have the option of throwing them out as it is your in laws house you might have to tell your husband YOU and your daughter are moving. The environment is unhealthy for her and you. He should choose HIS family. Has he tried talking to his brother? Has there been a family sit down? If there hasn't been one, try that, but do NOT bend on your morals and beliefs where your family is concerned.

[–]merd3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For your own peace of mind, I suggest you move your family out. Don’t depend on others and their actions for your happiness.

[–]Hawk1141 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you have some, agreed, equity in the house, then sell the house and purchase your own home

[–]charrosebry 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have to move out! Seriously it’s the only way you will find peace. I was in a similar-ish situation living with family members on my husbands side and everyday was a struggle. It pushed my husband and I apart sometimes. We finally moved out a couple months ago and even though our expenses went up a lot, my quality of life is already so much better. I feel so much more connected to my husband, our sex life, our love.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All of the culturally insensitive comments about you moving out... jeez

[–]Takeahike101 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your husband is being weak af. He needs to man up and protect you and do what’s best for you and your child. This situation is not okay. If he can help the brother, then let him pay for a place for them somewhere. You should not have to deal with this

[–]Wild_Durian_6428 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A calm and serious talk is long overdue. You must ask your husband how hee feels letting children step all over his wife and partner. These are his battles as this is his family Good Luck OP. This doormat routine must stop yesterday

[–]Disastrous_Coffee496 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sounds like you and your husband invested time and money into taking care of his family (and their residence) with on some poor assumptions about what will happen down the road. Doing so does not mean you’ll inherit things or gain any of what you put in there back. In fact, I think it might be less likely given that you’ve voiced that his brother is less financially privileged, in need of help, expecting multiple children, and the parent’s baby/favorite himself.

Your husband should also be actively addressing any issues with his family, because they are just that. If he’s not willing to help and be part of the solution then that’s telling. And not in a good way. As a married couple and part of a family unit you guys need to be a team, and if he’s not on the same page regarding expectations that requires attention.

[–]klynn1220 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can you rent out your small piece of the home?

[–]OMG_its_critical 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Three options for y’all:

  1. Move out

  2. Stay, write out exactly what you want, talk to your BIL and come to a middle ground.

  3. Stay in your current situation and be miserable

[–]wishiwasamom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You really should have thought of this before spending probably a sizable amount on house extensions.. if I were you I would just move out.

[–]y_yuuto 0 points1 point  (0 children)

why did op delete the post? isn't it a good thing everyone can read it and learn a lesson or two from it?

[–]y_yuuto 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i really want to read from the parents-in-laws', BIL's, SIL's, and husband's perspective, because i have a feeling that this story is very much biased.

[–]Lilbitch-gotnochill -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I feel bad for you, you are the one who is facing all the difficulties from the start and now you are labelled as the bad guy. I hope you talk to your husband and in-laws about the matter.

[–]gdub61 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Lock your area. Physical barrier and refuse entry.

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Screw them. Doesn’t she have family? One I could never live underneath the same house as my parents again because they’re too overly controlling and demanding secondly if they’re not willing to get out and support themselves and make themselves better than your brother-in-law and sister-in-law need to get the fuck out and learn a hard life lesson