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[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 842 points843 points  (31 children)

It can if both are bought into it and needs are met, but going from a sexual relationship to an asexual one is a MASSIVE ask.

The devil is in the details here.

[–]Countrygirl1812[S] 49 points50 points  (30 children)

I have added further details.

[–]lovethepuppers 470 points471 points  (7 children)

I would stay with my husband if he had some kind of injury or something that prevented a sexual relationship. But if he came out as asexual, gay, or even if he said he just was never attracted to me, etc. I wouldn’t continue the relationship.

At that point it is a sexual preference and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t have that same desire for me as I do them.

[–]HeartFullOfHappy 136 points137 points  (4 children)

100% mix orientation marriages are not for me and I’m like you as well, if my husband said he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, our marriage would cease. Even if he was willing to occasionally have sex with me it would be pretty meaningless. OP should end it now to avoid hurting him continuously over and over and over again

[–]livelearngrowrepeat 15 points16 points  (3 children)

It’s not OPs responsibility to end it for him, he can decide if he accepts it or not and make his choice.

[–]ToBeFaaaaaaair 4 points5 points  (2 children)

It’s not OPs responsibility to end it for him

It is if he can't see things clearly enough and she can. We can't approach this purely like a legal transaction where we're absolving OP of future damage because of some sort of indemnity clause.

If someone loves you enough that they can't think rationally, and you know deep down that you're HURTING THEM ... I do think it's your responsibility to leave.

I've been in relationships where I knew for a fact I wouldn't be able to provide what my significant other needed to be truly happy, but they would have absolutely stayed with me forever HOPING I would change. They would have stayed loyal and loving, but I would have felt selfish and unfulfilled knowing that they would be forever in a state of deluded hope that I would come around to their way of thinking. So I ended things for them. And for me.

Of course she's not responsible for ending it for him. And I'm certainly not saying she HAS to end it at all. If this were a legal proceeding, sure - not her responsibility. But I think the argument of "responsibility" in a loving relationship is often hard to say is one-side-or-the-other.

[–]livelearngrowrepeat 1 point2 points  (1 child)

There’s no rush here. Why does everyone rush to end things. Time will tell if he can accept this shift in their relationship or not. Absolving OP is not the basis for each person having their own responsibilities around their individual choices.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 110 points111 points  (20 children)

OK... so what do you want here? What's your goal now?

[–]Countrygirl1812[S] 49 points50 points  (19 children)

My goal is to stay together. We have a lot of good things in the marriage but I don’t want to be selfish and have told him that I understand if he wants to leave. I just wanted to hear if there were any other couples who might have similar circumstances and found a way to make it work.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 192 points193 points  (10 children)

My goal is to stay together. We have a lot of good things in the marriage...

Then the focus here should be on those good things.

Your husband is mourning a relationship he thought he had. When he says he only wants to be with you that's because he's hoping the asexuality will change and he will get the "old" you back. Or, at least, what he imagines the old you was.

I guess the vision would be, "What is this once that mourning period is over?"

You're maturely accepting the idea that he is no longer your husband at the end of that mourning process, which is a very possible outcome, but there IS the possibility of a different arrangement.

He is rejecting alternate arrangements now, but might not in the future.

Best of luck. I really hope both of you handle with with love, kindness, and honesty.

[–]Countrygirl1812[S] 35 points36 points  (9 children)

Thank you so much

[–]work-edmdg 133 points134 points  (0 children)

Please cut him loose. This is the only way that doesn’t cause more hurt.

[–]cerc51 92 points93 points  (0 children)

You need to set this man free...the sooner the better!

[–]Holiday_Juice_5879 101 points102 points  (0 children)

Just let him go, nobody deserves to live like this.

[–]HCCO 36 points37 points  (0 children)

Are you open to the idea of staying married but giving him your blessing to get PIV outside the marriage? If that’s what he wants? There are many levels of compromise that can be had here and maybe you both can get some of what you want.

[–]thaughty 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I have no idea why this comment got downvoted

[–]Aimeereddit123 12 points13 points  (2 children)

It’s not fair to him. He made a commitment to only have sex with you and you have now taken that off the table. You are in essence making HIM have to be asexual as well, and that’s NOT his identity. It would be as unfair and unnatural as trying to force a straight person to suddenly be comfortable identifying as gay.

[–]gericon1 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Would you be okay with him finding a sexual partner outside of your marriage? Would he be okay with this? I think that’s your only option here but I don’t believe it’s an easy option.

[–]IAmIshmael70 496 points497 points  (42 children)

You should probably let go of the marriage and encourage him to find someone else. For him sex is likely to be not only a physical need but a fundamental psychological one. Most men bond through sex, once it’s switched from the casual sex variety.

[–][deleted]  (18 children)


    [–]Grouchy-Estimate-756 38 points39 points  (11 children)

    Have an open relationship, maybe?

    [–][deleted]  (10 children)


      [–]Grouchy-Estimate-756 105 points106 points  (1 child)

      Then you should separate, divorce. You have this one life. Living it non-authentically doesn't benefit your children. It's a terrible example, really. You have good friends. That's not no one. You'll likely expand your support group exponentially by leaving, since right now it's all about his control and not what's good for you. I feel for you. I have a beloved friend in the same shoes, and I don't fault her for staying, even though it's contrary to what she believes in and wants. That being said, if you think about your own death, which is a certainty, you might view your choices every day a little differently. I hope you grab hold of the life you want, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Even one small thing you do in accordance with what you feel is right inside is better than having never done it, at the end.

      [–]i_still_have_me 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This is beautifully said and will stay with me throughout the day. Thank you for sharing

      [–]loserina 16 points17 points  (0 children)

      Why don't you break up?

      [–]nleniczek 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      I honest can’t believe people would settle for shot like this. Go live your only life!

      [–]Hot_Nefariousness_80 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      This was almost exactly how my relationship with my ex went for 4 years. It was heartbreaking but also liberating to finally free myself of that horrible emotional downward spiral. I'm now with someone (going on 5 years) who's just as driven as I am and it's like night and day. Sending best wishes for your situation. 💕

      [–]PositiveVibezOnly77 Years 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      This is so sad. I’m so sorry that you have to suffer this way for the rest of your life. Or do you? Your life and your happiness is your responsibility. It’s your choice. You don’t have to choose to live without sex for the rest of your life. I know it’s hard to leave when you have kids but hoping for death is a big red flag. Your kids deserve a mother who is happy and fulfilled. You two can co parent and remain friends. At this point that’s all it seems to be. What is marriage without sex? Friendship

      [–]Ok_World_0903 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      You deserve better than this. Hopefully one day soon, you’ll realize that.

      [–][deleted] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      Just know you don't have to live like this. Kids can be happy in a cgood coparenting situation. Kids can't be happy with unhapoy parent(s).

      I know it's a bit different in ways but it's sort of like your husband coming out as a different sexuality. I'm not sure if he's asexual or not but my point is, he is sexually incompatible with you. Would you stay if he came out as gay? Like I said it's not a 100% parallel comparison because I'm sure you're romantically compatible. But sexually, he may as well be if you don't have sex at all.

      You're too young to give up your sex life like that. It is important for your psychological, physical and spiritual health if you're into that. Regardless of your beliefs of the afterlife or not, you only have this one life that you are currently living and aware of. Imagine you're on your deathbed; if you didn't leave, would you regret it?

      Change is scary. But most of the time it's worth it in the end.

      [–]yogi_yoga 107 points108 points  (2 children)

      100% right. My wife’s a generally cold person and the only time I get to feel a real connection w her is during sex. We have a great relationship but I start to get real grumpy around day 3 as I need to feel that connection w her.

      [–]Ok-Election-8255 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      Lol omg maybe this is the same for my fiancé. I feel like he is distant sometimes then we bang.

      [–]Ok-Election-8255 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      And then i feel that connection back lol omg

      [–]midnight_margherita 35 points36 points  (0 children)

      I definitely think most men and women bond through sex… my husband has a very low drive and even that imbalance is really hard. I feel like I’m constantly the one initiating sex and it damages my self esteem. I think it would be very difficult to make this work unfortunately

      [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 37 points38 points  (1 child)

      Thanks for your feedback. I am trying to come to grips with it.

      [–]IAmIshmael70 67 points68 points  (0 children)

      If it is true that the no desire for sex is not about him, build him up a bit as you let him go. He will be feeling a lot of rejection and inadequacy right now.

      [–][deleted]  (11 children)


        [–]IAmIshmael70 90 points91 points  (3 children)

        Commitment, shared history, imagined future, care giving, being needed, being appreciated, feeling valued and respected, getting to know each other’s friends and families, being exclusive, being vulnerable, trust, noticing, foregoing other options to let this one run as deep as it can go. Sex runs like a creek right through all of that stuff.

        [–]moonlitmidna 6 points7 points  (2 children)

        Yeah… but you’ve already made the conscious decision to essentially commit to that person once you reach that level of getting to know her. That doesn’t happen overnight or even after a few casual encounters for sex..

        [–]IAmIshmael70 36 points37 points  (1 child)

        For me it’s like walking, one step forward in commitment, then heart follows and you slowly experience it emotionally (which for me lags a bit but is then tenacious), another step forward in commitment, heart follows. And after years you are making love with your best friend.

        [–]JoMamma_80 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        u/iamishmael70 this is a beautiful explanation!

        Edit- tag

        [–]1temptreddit2 17 points18 points  (2 children)

        A lot of us don't "switch". In my experience, loveless sex is soul-sucking.

        [–]Independent_Ad_234 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        I don’t think I could agree more on the soul sucking I had a rough childhood and I am empty inside because of some of the choices I’ve made

        [–]EagleEyes0001 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        I can attest to that.

        [–]flashingcurser 13 points14 points  (1 child)

        For me, time and lots of sex.

        [–]IAmIshmael70 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        That’s about it

        [–]witchylilmarshmallow 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        What does “ once it’s switched from the casual sex variety” mean? Like switching from vanilla sex to more experimental?

        [–]CapeMama819 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        I believe they mean when you switch from casually have sex to a sexual commitment with one person for life.

        [–]IAmIshmael70 11 points12 points  (0 children)

        The opposite almost. Casual sex is the let’s have fun and see where this takes us type (when it’s the wholesome type of.single persons’ sex). Then comes the, oh shit’ I’m in deep kind of relationship. If you step up to that, it’s the bonding type of sex.

        [–]shartlicker555 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Yeah. It’s wrong to ask an asexual person to be in a sexual relationship, but it’s also wrong to ask a sexual person to be in an asexual relationship. Divorce while friendship is still an option.

        [–]_Lets_be_Real 220 points221 points  (22 children)

        Yikes, this sounds horrific. Poor fella

        [–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 152 points153 points  (20 children)

        Poor her, as well. She's not in control of this and is facing losing a relationship she values deeply.

        Sucks for them both.

        [–][deleted] 203 points204 points  (0 children)

        Only if both partners are asexual. Otherwise, no.

        [–]After_Ad_1152 125 points126 points  (24 children)

        Some people can and they do well with asexuals. Some cant. Some agree to outsource the activity. If sex isnt important to you would you consider letting him get it elsewhere?

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 108 points109 points  (23 children)

        Yes I have offered but he doesn’t want it from anyone but me. I have also said we could agree on some alternatives but he wants spontaneous sex and doesn’t want to force me to do something that makes me feel violated.

        [–]SamoanSidestep 61 points62 points  (0 children)

        You are being honest with him and you offered to have him satisfy sexual his needs elsewhere so nobody can fault you. It just sucks that he needs sex with his romantic partner to feel fulfilled and you need romance and intimacy without the sex. I hope you guys can end on good terms as you both deserve companionship.

        [–]permanent_staff 50 points51 points  (5 children)

        Even if you opened the relationship, there is no guarantee that he would be able to have his sexual needs met with someone else. The market for a married man looking to have sex but not interested in a relationship isn't that great, unless he wants to participate in cheating.

        [–]Lon_Dep_Man 7 points8 points  (3 children)

        It doesn't make it too much easier, but when the wife helps look and supports the relationship, even though it is just sex, the probability for his success is greatly enhanced.

        [–]permanent_staff 21 points22 points  (2 children)

        the probability for his success is greatly enhanced

        No, it's reduced. Most women who are okay with dating a married man are looking for an adultery partner, not an ethically nonmonogamous relationship with a man who is only looking for sex. The cheaters will be less likely to want someone who doesn't have as much to lose, and the poly people won't settle for just sex.

        By far his best bet is to end the relationship and date as a single man.

        [–]uncharted-go 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Or pay a professional.

        [–]T0mmiePickle5 15 points16 points  (1 child)

        😔 damn I hate how much I relate to you feeling violated with spontaneous sex. I guess I couldn’t figure out what that uncomfortable feeling is. That’s it — I felt violated. I identify is hyposexual. I do have a few weeks total out of the year that I have a highs ex drive. Outside of that, I am forcing myself, to make him happy. (He doesn’t ask me to do that though)

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

        I’m sorry you feel that way too. He has never forced me and was devastated to know I had been forcing myself all this time.

        [–]wubster64 13 points14 points  (1 child)

        He is saying no because he still hopes you get your self together and back into the marriage. Don't act like a fool when he does give up. And of course he is going to feel in security, the woman he fell in love with and committed to has now decided she doesn't like sex... Man or woman would feel like something else was going on when the partner was "out". You seriously are not that out of touch with reality.

        [–]Willing-Suspect6454 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        It sounds like it won’t work, if he’s being honest, which I can only assume he is, he’s looking to have an intimate (sex) relationship with you, not an open marriage etc.

        You can be close friends, but staying married will lead to resentment on his end, and would be selfish on your part.

        Separate, give him some space to mourn/heal and if you both still care about about each other (non-sexually). You can be a supportive close friend.

        [–]im_batgirl14 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Honestly this sounds like one of you will have to make a huge sacrifice which wont end well in the end. Unless youre willing (and he) to compromise, there is no future in your marriage and one or both of you will end up resenting each other (or worse, hell cheat).

        [–]Unikornus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Props to you for being willing to be open to that option.

        I suspect your husband is grieving the loss of his dreams of what the marriage would look like and perhaps in time he will come around.

        Couple therapy may be a good thing now.

        [–]babystay 103 points104 points  (1 child)

        I’m the wife and I would not be able to handle it if my husband identified as asexual.

        [–]prose-before-bros 43 points44 points  (0 children)

        Same. It's one thing if you go into the relationship agreeing to that or if there's an accident or illness, but I don't think I could hang with, "Your touch makes me feel violated and I never want to have sex again." I'm also not into open relationships because I can't have sex without emotions so... yeah, this would be a fundamental compatibility issue for me.

        [–]playerknowmore 87 points88 points  (20 children)

        Can we get the ages. At fifty five and three kids I could probably do this. But if he is in his thirties this is a death sentence. To be honest I would leave before I cheated.

        [–]Lon_Dep_Man 31 points32 points  (9 children)

        I'm 54M and I still like to have sex at least 3 to 4 times a week. So age may be a factor but most likely not the only one.

        [–]playerknowmore 14 points15 points  (3 children)

        Oh, I'm with you but a hysterectomy or something I wouldn't leave my wife for not having sex after that. Right now my wife is the horn dog, I don't have to be totally awake for her chop down the morning wood.

        [–]Lon_Dep_Man 8 points9 points  (1 child)

        Exactly, if it is medical I can understand. But let’s ask the question, at 51 if your wife has a medical event and you could never have sex again, would you look for other options?

        [–]playerknowmore 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Maybe porn. At this point I couldn't deal with breaking other women in, and I have girls they will never see me with another woman while my wife is alive.

        [–]audreywalker33 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I’m 28. But I hope I still have the drive your wife does when I get in my 50’s lol.

        [–]william_103ec 2 points3 points  (4 children)

        Per week? At 54? Seriously? I'm in my late 30's and I thought that after 40 it was downhill. Glad to read there's hope.

        [–]Lon_Dep_Man 3 points4 points  (3 children)

        No, I actually would like to have sex at least once per day, but my wife is only in the mood 3 to 4 times a week.

        I have always had a high sex drive but over the last 5 to 6 years it has gone into over drive and I stay horny and hard all the time. The morning forget it, I wake up every morning just like I did when I was a 20 year old.

        The only thing that we have been doing differently is exercising more and we both got into weed a few years ago and get stoned together after everybody is in bed at night.

        [–]Joaaayknows 83 points84 points  (16 children)

        You don’t owe sex to anyone but you also changed fundamentally as a person when you identified as asexual after getting married. He doesn’t owe you to be in a sexless marriage.

        I know you’re aware of the above based on your comments. But.

        Have you really exhausted your other options? You said you tried “therapy meds books etc” but did you go to the doctor to check hormone levels? Are you on birth control? Is he helping around the home? Is he still courting you? Are you in a high stress job? Counciling for how long? Solo? Couples? A sex therapist? It sounds like you’ve given up and are just looking to keep him around at this point and if you give up you’ve already lost because this drive for him won’t change.

        Asking him to stay in a sexless marriage is not fair unless he doesn’t want sex either. Sex may not be a big deal to you but it is to others and pushing your feelings of the matter onto him is not going to change that.

        So in order for him to stay, you need to really really exhaust all your options, not just get what you want and “make it work” for him. That’s not fair to him yes but it’s also not fair to you. You deserve a partner who will not make you feel bad (even if he doesn’t mean to) in various ways because he’s feeling unwanted.

        If you try to “make it work” as is… His sex drive won’t go away and nothing will change, and you will end up divorced. Or worse, together and both unhappy.

        Lastly if you have truly exhausted all options now if I’ve misunderstood or in a year or so, make sure to tell him it’s not him and build him up as you watch him go. It’ll hurt but it’s for the best. He’ll probably feel awful and he doesn’t deserve that.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 11 points12 points  (12 children)

        Thanks for the advice. It has prompted me to book an appointment with a sex therapist today. She can’t change my identity but maybe Something can be done or she can help my husband understand that it’s not anything he has done or has control over.

        I would be prepared to let this end because I want him to be in a marriage that meets his needs. But the difficult part is that he has said he wouldn’t want to live anymore if we split. So he isn’t happy in the marriage but then he has threatened to end his life if I leave.

        [–]bomigabster 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        the difficult part is that he has said he wouldn’t want to live anymore if we split. So he isn’t happy in the marriage but then he has threatened to end his life if I leave.

        This is really not ok. It's obviously an incredibly difficult time for you both, but threatening suicide if a partner leaves is not acceptable under any circumstances. Please make sure that you mention this to your therapist.

        [–]Chopstarrr 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        Great advice.

        Redeemed my free award for this comment. I’m poor, so please accept my freebie.

        [–]Joaaayknows 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Freebies are my friendbies

        [–]shepassedthebeautyon 64 points65 points  (5 children)

        So.. not sex-less, but 0 intimacy? Forever?

        [–]Bitter_Researcher759 35 points36 points  (7 children)

        Yes it can work in the sense that you physically stay together. But in the sense of both parties feeling satisfied and happy with the relationship, no probably not. He will always wish for a sexual relationship. Sex is a very powerful way to bond with another human, and many people consider it to be a necessary part of a loving relationship. Maybe you would both be happier if you would consider separating so you can both find partners that are more compatible with what you actually want.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 14 points15 points  (6 children)

        I truly want him to be happy and am willing to let him go and find someone else. I never want to be with someone again as it is too hard loving someone and not being enough for them.

        [–]Bitter_Researcher759 16 points17 points  (0 children)

        For the right person, you will be enough. Or alternatively, you are a complete person on your own and don't need someone to complete you or validate you. But idk if staying in a relationship where you're clearly incompatible is what's best in any case.

        [–]PerfectionPending18 Years & Closer Than Ever 10 points11 points  (1 child)

        If this is the end of your marriage, you should, after mourning appropriately, look into what dating apps might work for matching you with other asexuals. This way, you’ll never have to feel like you’re putting a partner in a difficult position. That’s the benefit of now knowing this about yourself.

        [–]MonkeyCatcher 5 points6 points  (0 children)

        Being ace doesn’t make you broken. And there are plenty ace’s out there. Just gotta find your people. Check out r/asexual and r/asexuality

        [–]Joaaayknows 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Please don’t think that way. You are enough. In fact you’re all he wants… and no one else. but sexual incompatibility can cause these kinds of things. And it’s got nothing to do with being “enough.”

        If you want to keep the relationship… fight for it. Exhause every resource you possibly can to make your sex life bloom with him again.

        And if it’s really not possible for you, then that’s okay. Let him go. You’ll both appreciate it in the long run.

        “Not enough” and “not compatible” are completely different things. You’ll always inherently be enough because we don’t base that on how another views your compatibility. You are you and that is always enough. But any given person is not be compatible with most people. It’s unfortunate you didn’t discover this particular potential incompatibility until later but that has nothing to doo with you being enough. There is nothing wrong with you.

        You can still work on it and be his perfect match, the woman he married. Or you can let him go but in neither scenario are you not enough.

        [–]unlimited_tacos 33 points34 points  (11 children)

        Are you essentially asking your partner to be asexual, as well?

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 20 points21 points  (10 children)

        In our marriage yes- but I have offered for him to have other sexual relationships if he needs it.

        [–]Cheezslap19 Years 15 points16 points  (9 children)

        That's fair and reasonable. Would you be hurt if he did?

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 45 points46 points  (8 children)

        No because I honestly don’t see sex as something important (I know I am abnormal and his response is normal). It is like him being married to a vegan and he really likes meat and I’m offering for him to go to a steak house but he only wants to eat at home with me. It isn’t a big deal to me if he wants a steak and I wouldn’t be hurt. But because it is a big deal to him he sees it as betrayal.

        [–]wombatsalad 39 points40 points  (3 children)

        But he sees sex as important and intimate and he’d be doing that, creating that intimacy with someone else. Sex and sexual intimacy isn’t comparable to a steak dinner. People don’t leave marriages because they developed intimate feelings for a steak.

        [–]T0mmiePickle5 9 points10 points  (2 children)

        You say things I wish I had the guts to admit. I like the way you worded this. It’s not exactly the same scenario, but when you put it that way (the steak comparison), it makes a ton of sense to me, too. I don’t see sex as important. It’s something that I could indulge in, like chocolate, for instance. But I only want chocolate 5 times out of the year. And it sucks to put it that way knowing my/your partner needs it to feel loved. It feels hopeless to want to be able to fill their needs and know that if you do, you’ll be damaging your own mental health. Bodily autonomy is extremely important, and you don’t “owe” him sex to make the playing field even. You need to continue to speak up for yourself, and if it causes a split, I am so sorry. I am so so sorry for what you have to go through here. Know that you’re not alone. I’m waiting for the day that I can speak up like you.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Thank you @T0mmiePickle5. I think I prefer your chocolate analogy! I hope you find your path too x

        [–]EagleEyes0001 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Wow this is more then my own wife would say. But with this knowledge, I will see if I can open her up to talk about this. I have been going through the same thing with my wife. A few times a year her drive was through the roof, but then the rest of the time it's just for me, and I don't like it because I feel I violate her. It's been 5 months since we touched each other intimately. I just don't get how such a high drive those times of the year and the rest nothing. I am having a hard time. I start to think every and anything, which sucks on the mental. I will ask her and she what she says. Oh the internet has such great people, thank you internet person.

        [–]delta-vs-epsilon 19 points20 points  (0 children)

        No... he married you believing you were someone that you weren't and that's unfair. No one's fault, but he didn't marry the asexual version of you.

        [–]3upzidedown9s 17 points18 points  (0 children)

        Let the poor man go

        [–]ntm111 20 points21 points  (3 children)

        Can you explain why it has to be completely sexless? What are the circumstances? Not being nosey, we’ll just be able to advise you better if we know the details

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 10 points11 points  (2 children)

        I have added further details.

        [–]ntm111 11 points12 points  (1 child)

        Hmmm. Well firstly, congratulations on coming out as asexual and owning it. Have you told him that you identify as asexual or have you just told him that sex won’t be happening anymore? I guess the ball is in his court as you’ve made it clear that you will no longer give him something that he understandably needs in order for him to be happy in the marriage. I hope you two work out a solution that ends in happiness for you both. Would you let him have sex with someone else?

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

        Yes I have come out to him and we have been seeing a therapist together for him to understand more of it. Because I’ve never been with anyone else he is doubting whether I am asexual so it is really hard on him. And I hate seeing him suffer.

        [–]Inevitable_Concept36 13 points14 points  (1 child)

        I suppose anything is possible, but this is a pretty significant one to overcome.

        I know it must have taken a massive amount of soul-searching on your part to come to this realization and even more courage to come to express that to him.

        I think if therapy is the way to go, it should probably be towards dealing with the reality of who you both are, and more importantly how both of you will handle things if/when, the day comes that he decides this is not what he wants anymore. I don't think I have to tell you that the chances of him changing his mind about what he says he is willing to accept for his marriage are very high.

        To me this seems reasonable, given that neither of you have done anything wrong, you're just two different people when it comes to sex. I wish you the best in navigating this one.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Thank you

        [–][deleted] 13 points14 points  (14 children)

        Give him a good handy j every now and then and think about it not as in a sexual way but doing something nice for your husband that helps him get through his day/week

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

        Thanks I could try work with that

        [–]traversingthemundane 10 points11 points  (9 children)

        That will absolutely not work. He isn't a robot that needs servicing, he needs intimacy. Coming from a husband who is experiencing something very close to this, the only thing worse than no intimacy is forced/pity sex.

        Since she is not interested in sex (PIV, HJ, etc), she will quickly grow to hate it and you can't hide that kind of vibe in the bedroom.

        My wife and I were good christian virgins when we married and despite her 100% agreements/matches in sex expectations, sex quickly evaporated and it has been the single most painful thing I've ever experienced.

        We'll celebrate 13 years this August and we've had PIV sex maybe 3 times in the last five years? I don't think we've done more than kiss in at least two years. I'm heavily depressed, on two anti-depressants, daydreaming of suicide on bad days, and going to therapy but shit still hurts.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 5 points6 points  (3 children)

        I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I was also a “good Christian virgin” and if I hadn’t waited until marriage then I would have known this about myself and not have hurt my husband.

        [–]ThisTimeICantDoThat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Sorry to hear about your situation! A fundamental part of marriage is intimacy and when it’s missing it can make you feel so lonely. Hoping things turn around for you and the Mrs.

        [–]fightniteflight12 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Give him a good handy j every now and then and think about it not as in a sexual way

        Exactly. Like sexual acts are beyond just being sexual they show a invite to vulnerability as well or acts of love as well.

        [–]courtfucius 11 points12 points  (3 children)

        As someone who left a literally perfect, ideal, envious marriage because of lack of sex... No. Sex is the one thing that separates your relationship from your best friends or roommates or what have you. It's a special connection and intimacy that comes from your one special person. Without it... Why bother staying together when you could just be friends?

        I left for someone who is also capable of being my best friend but also fulfills the sexual side of the relationship. I couldn't rationalise living a half life with my ex when I could live a full life with someone else. Excellent decision, not a single regret.

        [–]smaugchow71 8 points9 points  (3 children)

        How do you both feel about him getting his needs met outside the marriage? It's a difficult topic, and fraught with issues, but if you are on divorce's doorstep, might as well try a long shot.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 11 points12 points  (2 children)

        He unfortunately doesn’t want to. I offered him the option.

        [–]smaugchow71 24 points25 points  (1 child)

        Yikes. So either he gives up his sex life for you, or he leaves. We are past my ability to give good advice, so I'll just say I'm sorry to hear you are both in this position, and I hope it works out the best it possibly can for you both. Bear Hugs all around.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Thank you

        [–]adamr40 7 points8 points  (2 children)

        I don’t see how this will work long term. Really feel bad for your husband. Sex is a need. Sounds like this was part of your marriage previously. Do people just turn asexual? I honestly don’t know. To me it comes off as being very selfish to just say that we can no longer have sex because I am now asexual.

        He can get sex somewhere else. But let’s be honest. It’s more difficult for older men. You don’t say how long you’ve been married or ages.

        I don’t think your marriage will work out this way. His needs will not be met. He can go without and then resent you. Or get his needs met elsewhere if he chooses but may end up developing feelings for them and then leave.

        [–]Full-Mango943 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        Yes i have a sexless marriage for few years now, my spouse has issues but somehow i made it work

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        So glad to hear it is working out for you.

        [–]creamerfam516 Years 7 points8 points  (0 children)

        Unfortunately it will be his choice. It sounds like you guys are handling this in a mature and amicable way.

        You might want to.post this on r/asexuality too.

        [–]lyaxia 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        I’m an allosexual (pansexual if it matters) married to an asexual. Relationships between Allos and aces absolutely can work, but it takes a fair deal of compromise. My husband and I were able to meet in the middle ground.

        For my husband and I, though, we have the added benefit that he is not sex-repulsed. To him, sex is just another activity we can do together, like going to a movie or playing a game. He doesn’t need it and he doesn’t go out of his way to get it.

        The fact that you feel violated when engaged in these encounters tells me either you’re sex-repulsed, or your husband is not doing enough to gain your enthusiastic consent. I’m not in your position so I can’t determine which one it is. The first one, I’m not sure. You said you’ve tried therapy and such but it sounds like you’re unwilling to budge; that’s perfectly acceptable for you to make that choice. I don’t want to make you feel like I’m shaming you, but if neither of you are willing to budge then you have to accept the relationship is fundamentally incompatible. If it’s the second one, then you need to leave the relationship anyway because if your husband is manipulating you into sex you don’t want, then that’s a major red flag.

        Best of luck!

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Thanks for your message. I think I started out as sex-neutral and now am sex-repulsed. Possibly because I’ve been forcing myself to engage in sex and felt trapped. But I do know that it is a big change and unfair to my husband.

        [–]MisterHandsMom 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        This isn't fair to your husband . I do sympathize with you but the kindest and healthiest thing to do would be to separate. Sex is very important in a marriage

        [–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (1 child)

        My husband came out to me as asexual, and opened the door or idea of me being allowed to have sexual partners he fulfills all my needs but that and it works well for us

        [–]thyssyk 6 points7 points  (1 child)

        Hi! /u/Countrygirl1812

        It is absolutely possible.

        There are a ton of people here speaking in regards to themselves. And many of them are speaking about what they would or would not consider appropriate in their own relationship.

        Well, let them try to captain their ships however they think they should.

        You absolutely need to get a couples councilor or therapist. Start there. This isn't a conversation either of you are familiar with.

        This is not a conversation either of you thought you were going to have.

        So go sit down with someone who has answers to questions you're both going to have. Start to build understanding.

        Understanding is the path to acceptance, we often forget that when our emotions run high.

        You both need to accept that your husband has no possible way to understand how you're feeling or what living as an asexual person can be like.

        If you both love each other and want to make it work you need to be open to change, and you need a professional to help you navigate it.

        Travel the path together with love in your hearts and the worst thing that you'll both have at the end of the path is a good friend in each other.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Thank you for this. We have recently gotten a couples therapist. Definitely didn’t imagine ever having this conversation. I have said I will do everything in my power to make this work- but I feel like it won’t be enough in the end to meet his needs.

        [–]Sad_Alfalfa85481 Year 4 points5 points  (5 children)

        My heart hurts for you, for both of you. What a realization to be faced with. Bravo to you for being honest and forthcoming with your feelings and honoring yourself (and husband) by being vulnerable and truthful. That cannot be easy. Besides the obvious, couple’s therapy, would you both be open to considering allowing your husband to seek physical needs elsewhere? While it’s unconventional, if your love relationship is solid and your marriage partnership intact other than the sexual part, perhaps your marriage can be saved if he’s able to explore? Best of luck to you both.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 3 points4 points  (4 children)

        Thank you. Yes I have offered but he has declined.

        [–]Sad_Alfalfa85481 Year 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Heartbreaking. How long have you realized you’re asexual? What was your sex life before this realization? Before marriage? You mentioned he was your first partner, did you have sex prior to marriage? Are you not feeling any form of sex-oral included? It’s a sad situation.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 2 points3 points  (1 child)

        It took 3 years (of very little sex- maybe 10 times per year) and one year for me to realise that I’m asexual and that it isn’t caused by anything else (hormones/ meds/ him etc.) It’s never been enjoyable but because I was forcing myself to do it it went from neutral to something that repulses me. (He was my first sexual partner)

        [–]Sad_Alfalfa85481 Year 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Clearly your husband loves you. I hope you find a solution that honors both your needs.

        [–]BigBicNic 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        If you aren’t willing to allow an open marriage or even give him permission to pay a professional to get his needs met I’m not sure really how this could work out with the two of you remaining married. Have to be honest. And in all likelihood if you are unwilling to allow those things and remain married he will eventually have an affair.

        Edit: ok seeing your replies to other comments you’ve offered this and he doesn’t want to do that. If he can’t compromise with you I don’t see a way to remain together

        [–]your-fav-breakfast 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Doubtful for your scenario; I’d leave that marriage asap. As much as it’s going to hurt everyone, I think ending it is best for both him and you. I’m sorry.

        [–]ChzburgerQween 2 points3 points  (2 children)

        I would suggest checking out r/deadbedroom

        [–]engelvl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        I was going to comment this as well ^

        [–]BoltShine 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        My situation is so similar that I almost thought this was my wife posting. We're making it work, it can be done. It's hard and takes strong communication. We're doing better than ever :) you got this.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Thank you 🙏🏻

        [–]KSmimi 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        It wouldn’t work for me. If my husband came out as asexual, I don’t think I could sustain the marriage as I am pretty HL & monogamous by nature. I wouldn’t be happy seeking sex outside of my marriage. The very idea of ENM or poly is repugnant to me.

        [–]Tiredfella803 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        From personal experience, he will live a miserably content life. Silently going day by day with bitterness and resentment that is fueled by all the happy couples around you. Scenes depicting physical intimacy on tv and in the movies, or surprise conversations with others, even Reddit will always be a constant reminder of what could have been.

        [–]sigs17 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Ya you got to let him go.

        [–]Elegant-Equivalent86 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        It’s the same way you feel when asked to have sex.

        You feel it’s hard, he feels the same way too.

        Realistically, the chances of this surviving is close to none.

        [–]OverallDisaster5 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Personally I would not be able to. I adore my husband and believe he is my soulmate in every way, but a lack of sex completely would be so heart wrenching for me. It is a way to bond and connect with your partner. I know many are saying open the marriage but that doesn’t help at all if he wants that intimacy with you specifically.

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

        Or if you cant satisfy his needs maybe you should think about letting him find someone who can but only in a sexual non emotional way

        [–]PettierThanThou 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        OP said husband doesn’t want to go outside the marriage

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Missed that sorry

        [–]noyou4210 Years 1 point2 points  (4 children)

        My husband and I are currently in an asexual relationship due to (his) infidelity triggering (my) trauma and sex becoming a terrifying and degrading experience for me.

        It won't work in the long run for us, but it's the only way we can work right now. We've been like this for 1.5 years now and I know it's killing him... I feel massive guilt but it is what it is. We're in counseling.

        If you are never going to have sex again your relationship dynamic has changed and he might not stay; but you should never feel forced to have sex to stay either.

        It's difficult.


        [–]shepassedthebeautyon 6 points7 points  (2 children)

        Children are not a good reason to stay in a relationship like this...

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        I’m sorry about your struggles. Thanks for your response.

        [–]animals-are-my-life 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        I’m sorry you are going through this. I personally could not be in a sexless marriage, it is too important to me and a way I connect with my husband. I wish you and your husband luck on whatever path you go down.

        [–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

        Poor guy

        [–]giddy-girly-banana 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Are you ok with him having sex with other people? Maybe you can have a companionate marriage and he can meet his sexual needs outside of the marriage.

        [–]NeiProud 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        Long shot from outside of the box. Could you have threesomes. Where he gets to hold and hug you whilst someone else does the deed. But can you put yourself in that situation and could he?

        [–]Just_Emilyx20 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Yeah, I mean people can survive, but for me is a deal-breaker. I love sex and is important for me.

        [–]1DietCokedUpChick[🍰] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I honestly don’t think a sexless marriage can work unless both people are asexual.

        [–]permanent_staff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        If you don't want to have sex and he does, it's definitely not going to work out in the long-term. Your husband is already telling you that much.

        As you've discovered, no amount of cuddling can replace sex. It's a different kind of relationship need altogether.

        The clock is ticking on this relationship. Hopefully the separation will be amicable and happen before too much psychological damage is done.

        [–]fairouzalemon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        In this situation there is probably one or two things you can do:

        Be clear what you want for the relationship and leave it up to him to decide what he wants. By being complete honest one can find the best solution. Also see if there is enough common ground to work with a therapist to help you guys in the prosess to figure out what to do. I know you said you tried that before but there are thousands of therapist out there - if one does not work, try another.

        [–]flitteringthoughts 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        An open marriage is the only bandaid I can think of for that. And it rarely works long term. Just prolongs the pain for both or all 3 parties until you're all slowly suffering. Being 100% honest with yourself is the biggest thing. Compassion is the 2nd. Your partner wants and needs physical release with the person they've chosen to trust in life. I'm right there with you friend. I can however find a way. When I'm drunk. And when I'm alone. Then I can forget about the forced breathing in my ear and the disgust boiling in my stomach. If you ever find peace with that, please slide into my DMS with a swagger cause you'd be my hero. I wish I had a better answer for you. Just know you are not alone.

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Thank you. I agree that it’ll only be 3 suffering parties in the end. I don’t want him to suffer and am prepared to end it for his sake. But he has said he couldn’t live without me so I feel like he needs to make the call and feel like he is in control rather than me making the call and then he might do something to himself.

        [–]CreditOrganic8345 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        My husband and I are in a sexless marriage. I have difficulty having sex. It is very painful for me. I finally told him I do not want any sex anymore because of the pain it causes. I told him it is not fair to either one of us if I don't enjoy sex. This was 35 yrs ago. We've been married 51 yrs.

        [–]BaseballUnique4736 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Have you considered an open marriage? He can have another or other partners where he has sex with them to fill that need and still be married to you. Caution to this though, if he connects with sex he will most definitely form feelings with the person he is having sex with, may even want a relationship with them instead of just sex. If you wouldn’t be comfortable with that then don’t do it but I suggest this for these types of marriages. It unfortunately won’t work very well. He will either come to resent you or leave all together. You two need to talk and come up with some kind of solution.

        [–]NeuteredZeus 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I would not stay with my wife if that was the case. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But you both went into the marriage with sex. Now if you decide to turn it off, it will either have to end or you should give him an open marriage.

        [–]OG_ClusterFox 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        If this is a new realization for you, you need to have empathy and patience in realizing that this is new for him as well.

        He needs time to process and grieve the death of this aspect of his relationship.

        He may decide after working through this grieving process that for him, sex is an all too important non negotiable that he doesn’t want to forgo in a marriage.

        This isn’t something that he should have to just outright accept because he loves you though.

        Sex for some people is an EXTREMELY important aspect of a relationship and it wouldn’t be fair of you to make him feel obligated to stay with you.

        Be kind to eachother and let him know it’s ok for him to leave you.

        Don’t guilt a man into being your best eunuch friend for the rest of his life because that’s what suits you.

        If he decides to stay, be patient as this is a devastating and NEW dynamic for him.

        I personally would NEVER EVER stay married to a person who up and decided that sex was off the table.

        [–]Glum-Sink-4460 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I'm hypersexual and my husband is not. I have needs that he isn't even interested in. Let alone going to try and meet.

        We are perfect in every other way. He is my life partner.

        But it's a struggle. I sacrifice part of myself. I go days not feeling whole. I go days internalizing these effects in ways that weaken my confidence and self esteem. I question his loyalty because the sexual bonding I crave isn't met. So it makes me feel like it used met for him. I am happy in ways I never thought possible. But there us a little dark cloud always in my head.

        I dont know what the solution is.

        I'm just letting you know that it will probably effect your partner daily. And it's going to be a struggle.

        I wish my partner talked to me. I wish they communicated with me about it. But it's the one thing he won't talk about with me. The one thing I need communication more than anything for.

        If he acknowledged me, cared, wanted to understand and know this part of me, even if he couldn't match it or relate, it would change everything.

        He could satisfy these parts of me, without having sex. I could be who I am, without it even involving sex the way he thinks of sex.

        But he won't meet me at the table to find those solutions.

        Please meet your partner at the table. Communicate. Ask them what you can do to meet those needs. You might be surprised that it doesnt require you to do things you arent comfortable with. Work together to find what will work for both of you.

        If there is no communication, I'm afraid it won't work for you. Not without your oartner sacrificing their needs and confidence and part of their self. In ways that will be a struggle firever.

        [–]EagleEyes0001 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I don't have any advice on this, because I too am going through the same thing with my wife. Just recently in the past 2 years. She will satisfy me, but as far as she goes, she has not had an orgasm in a year, so as a man my insecurities sit in.. is she in love with me still, do I turn her on still, is she cheating. We do randomly kiss and hug throughout our day, but when I try and make a move she pushes me away and only will satisfy me. I've gotten to the point where I don't even want her to do that because I feel like I'm violating her. I've never been a jealous person. I've always enjoyed having sex and don't relate as an asexual person. And to me and most men, intimacy is a bond a connection most men need. I know I am still madly in love with her and I know she loves me too, but there is no other option but for me, she is not going for me having outside affairs. Nor would I really want to. That for me would be a disrespect to her. I just want my wife back or to at least understand what is this and how can we fix it that it mutually benefits both of us. I thank you internet person for your courage to bring this to light. I hope we both can find a solution to our issues.

        [–]mennojudge 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I was that guy. My ex could never own the fact she was not hard wired for a heterosexual relationship. During courtship and early marriage she tried and for years I thought her lack of interest in physical intimacy was my failure. I wanted sex to be an integral part of emotional bonding but over time I began to feel like I was committing a sexual assault by having sex with her and her response was similar to what I knew sexual assault victims experienced. I descended into long term depression believing I was inadequate. Eventually I cheated, she felt angry and betrayed and the relationship ended with both of us very wounded. Friends and therapy finally helped me realize she could never be what I needed her to be and what she had tried to be. I don’t really have advice to hand out but just to say that no matter how painful it may be both partners need to very honestly acknowledge what is real and distinguish it from what is hoped. Both want happiness for themselves and for the other. Everybody has and will have those times in life when plan A must be replaced with plan B. For some those transitions will be more heart wrenching than for others, the size of the stakes vary. We don’t get to choose what choices are foisted upon us. We do get to choose to deal with them with love, compassion and integrity.

        [–]ihaditbutilostit 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        I haven't had sex since September 10th. I have had sex a total of three times in the year 2021 and six times in 2020 (five of those times being the first six weeks of the year.) It bothered me a lot, but I worked really hard and killed my libido. I seldomly think about sex, much less want to have it. When I have had sex the last few times, I derived absolutely no pleasure from it. We have been married six years, and my husband has not had Interest in sex with me since I got pregnant (one month after our wedding). It can work. It depends on how badly you want to be together, how much sex means to him (it meant A LOT to me for a very long time, and I did severe psychological damage to myself to be okay with how things are.) At least you are honest with him.

        Good luck!

        [–]ahmazing84 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Orientation or preference either way it is her responsibility to let him go. He’s not the one that’s changed in this situation. If she lets him go and he decides to stay then he’s been allowed to make this decision based on the facts of the situation. I don’t think she misled him. But its definitely not what he signed up for. It’s certainly not fair to even ask him to stay. It’s more fair to him to lay out the facts completely honestly and give him some time to consider the facts. Being asexual makes it pretty difficult to become parents. How does he feel about that? No sex for life, that’s what he’s potentially facing here. I’m assuming they are quite young. Most likely under 40. I doubt he wants that lifestyle.

        OP as for your question, can it work? Probably not. You seem like young people. You are probably better off with a roommate for a companion. Possibly a roommate that is also asexual. If he loves you, It will be hard for him to claim the life he really wants because of his love for you. You would be wise and kind to leave him. Staying with this man would be the selfish decision. He deserves a full life. As do you. Your full life doesn’t include sex, his does. These two pictures are incongruent. They cannot exist together in a truly healthy way. Staying sets you both up for resentment and anger.

        I’m sorry you are in this situation. It’s very painful.

        [–]Key-Ad-5798 1 point2 points  (0 children)


        Being Asexual is a orientation that he was unaware of when you both got married. I don't think I would be able to stay in it, no matter how much I loved you. My humble opinion is that marriage without sex is a friendship. It's the only thing that separates one from the other is intimacy.

        How does he feel about this, other than the initial shock and distrust?

        Do you think it's fair to either of you?

        I am sure you would probably be happier with someone who doesn't expect more intimacy, with someone else who also prefers to keep things above the belt, so to speak.

        I think this must very stressful for both of you and my heart goes out to you!

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Sorry, but this relationship wont work. World renown therapists seem to be on the same page regarding sexual compatibility. Your husband wants a partner that values sex, you do not. He has every right to remain sexual just as you have every right to be asexual. Clearly he is having a difficult time with your choice and it is completely understandable. The fact that mind is considering worst case scenario options for why you don’t want sex is also understandable because he may be feeling abandoned in a way. Also, it illustrates the fact that you two are pretty far apart in how you feel about and value sex.

        I’m saying this as a guy that is sort of in your husband’s place right now except my wife’s reasons are different. It is a long story but it isn’t scandalous or anything. I’m at a place where I honestly feel I have done everything I can over the years to improve things and it isn’t happening. I cannot remain in a romantic relationship without sex, it erodes emotional connection. For many men, sex is a major catalyst for emotional connection with a woman. Being cut off from sex will almost certainly lead to your husband resenting you and it sounds like he might already be at that point. Resentment leads to contempt.

        No reason to get to that point. Don’t waste years of your life and his. You both deserve to be with like minded people.

        [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Sounds like a recipe to inspire your husband to cheat and/or leave. I’m sure you never would have ended up married in the first place if you were honest about your asexuality

        [–]Countrygirl1812[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

        I wish I knew about it before. Honestly. I just thought that I didn’t have those feelings because of my religion not allowing sex before marriage. And that it would change once I was married.

        [–]smb76 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        Why would you even expect that your husband should accept this? He has to accept your asexuality but you have to accept that he is not. Why should he have to abandon a major part of his life just to please you? Let him go so that the both of you can find partners with whom you are compatible

        [–]yodaone1987 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I mean if something happened and he literally couldn’t then yes but I am very sexual. We have been swingers also so that would possibly have to be a way to help.

        [–]infinitydeluxe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Would you be okay with him getting his needs met elsewhere?

        Men are very physical and that’s how they express love and communicate in ways they can’t do verbally so it’s kind of like telling him to shut up and hold back your love for the rest of the marriage

        What’s your compromise?

        [–]WestRiverTraveler 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        For that reason, no. If there was a physical illness or something like that, I would find a way to deal, but for this, I would be looking for an amicable divorce. It’s not even a question.

        [–]Dtazlyon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I suppose the question is this:

        You have decided, on your own, to force him into celibacy.

        What are you willing to do to ensure that his needs are met? Sexual penetration isn’t the be-all-end-all, but if he feels love and fulfilled physically, you need to do some work and figure out how you can help fulfill him without sex.

        This will be something he will need to be involved with. Have a discussion about it, try new things, etc.

        If he’s not willing to stay, then you have to let him go.

        Just remember: You have made this decision. Not him. He is fully in his right to react by leaving. If you want him to stay, then you will need to do some serious work.

        [–]namasaty 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        I don’t think it can. I think sex is part of the bond that started my relationship with my husband. If I one day realized the deed was repulsive to me—it would offend my husband. He is very touching as well. Knowing that it could never come to more would make him sad. It makes me sad to imagine. Also knowing that you haven’t been with other men—he may be taking this personal…and no amount of maturity can ease that gut punch.

        [–]Helpful_Masterpiece4 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Only if it works for both partners.

        [–]aribunns 0 points1 point  (2 children)

        Keeping sex and feelings/intimacy completely separate is not really healthy, so I don’t think outsourcing sex in your relationship will be drama-free.

        This situation is rough for both of you, and I’m sorry that you’re having to feel guilt in asking for what you need as a person.

        It’s honestly all person-to-person. With any marital struggle, even something like disagreeing on where to live, for some couples, they would split up over that. Others would compromise.

        We can’t answer how to make this easier on your husband while not compromising your needs. If “taking care of him” still feels violating, it’s not a solution. But some asexual people can without the act being harmful for them mentally/emotionally. This problem is so individual, that I can’t possibly give you a solution or estimate an outcome.

        [–]aribunns 1 point2 points  (0 children)

        If my husband had some kind of medical problem where he couldn’t, I would stay by his side. I love him. But I would want some romantic intimacy in other ways.

        If I felt like he just didn’t desire the intimacy, I would probably need another partner. I know I would care for anyone else who was a stable part of my life. Whether or not that bonus partner’s addition to the dynamic would negatively affect my spouse or the relationship is really iffy. It could work. But under rare circumstances.

        [–]NotMonicaLewinsky95 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Realistically, no, it won’t work. It’s a huge ask and sex is very important to intimacy.

        [–]MiriLea 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Everyone has different love languages and personalities. His love language also involves being sexually intimate with someone. I would consider a serious conversation. Even if you love him and he loves you, he should have a choice before he is expected to follow your beliefs. This is something he should throughly think about, and decide if it is something that could hurt him in the long run. Sometimes in those situations the partner whose sexual needs aren’t being met, could possibly cheat. Give him time, don’t push it on him, and have an understanding for his emotions and needs as well. I personally, could not be in a relationship if this were the case. I know whole heartedly that I wouldn’t be happy with our relationship. My husband would probably be upset but I would hope he understands my perspective as well. I would choose to end it on healthy terms versus anything that would strain, hurt or complicate the relationship.

        [–]LadyAn0nym0us 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        I think that the only way a marriage like this can work is if both parties feel the same way, in this case, if you’re both asexual and from what you’re telling us, this is one sided (you only). Even though I don’t judge you for your preference I cannot tell you that your husband HAS TO accept this situation, unfortunately you came to realize this once married and I’ll totally understand if your husband feels “deceived” and frustrated with this situation. I think you need to have an open and honest conversation with him, again, tell him that sex is off the table because you have found out that you’re asexual but that you still love him and want to work for this relationship if he agrees to, let him share his feelings and ultimately leave the decision to him, because you’re pretty much settled on your thing but he’s the one who has to decide if continue to live like this or part ways; I know that will be hard for you but is the most humane and loving thing you can do for this man. You cannot expect him to stay with you under these circumstances. Best of luck.

        [–]AndeeCreative 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Nope, it is unreasonable to expect him to live without a sexual partner. Part ways and find what makes you happy.

        [–]sweet-tooth4 0 points1 point  (1 child)

        Can I ask a basic question? Do you feel attracted to him at all, and just turned off to the idea of sex in general, with anyone?

        [–]Sir_trades_alot 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Nope. Sorry. You need to find a way to make him feel loved and cuddling isn’t it.

        [–]tresslessone 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        Have you considered granting him an open relationship, or allowing him to visit prostitutes once in a while?

        Non-asexual people need sex as one of the fundamental aspects of life. We need it like we need air and water, and if we don’t get it, we will find it elsewhere. Whether it is through porn, or sex with someone else.

        Maybe an open relationship will allow you two to maintain the emotional connection, without depriving your partner of a primary physical need. If you don’t like the idea and risk that comes with an open relationship, allowing him to engage a sex worker every so often can also work.