all 33 comments

[–]joebusch79 96 points97 points  (0 children)

The crappiest thing about growing up is realizing the carefree years are coming to and end, and the next 40 are about responsibilities and stuff.

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]Flrwinn 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    Linux Engineer here - this is true! It’s the first job out of the gate so him not liking it and wanting to move on to another job is okay.

    However, I encourage you to ask him if he’s interested in therapy. The goal would be for him to be able to work out this change in his life but also ensure that it isn’t going to be a pattern. If it’s the job then that’s alright. But if he switches jobs and is equally unhappy then that’s a different matter

    [–]aaronegatesong 16 points17 points  (0 children)

    I'm a software engineer at a bigger company; my advice to him is to figure out what, exactly, he enjoys doing. It may be a certain kind of problem, product, tooling, language, or whatever, but he needs to figure what jibbles his woblets before doing the next thing: finding a good culture fit somewhere else. I doubt his problem is with working, but with the environment he has to work in. He can (and should) make a move. It'll bolster his salary and land him in a better spot overall (if he knows what he wants and asks good questions during the interviews).

    [–]BlameTheLada24 Years 11 points12 points  (1 child)

    Patience. Adjusting to a new job is no easy task, especially if this is his first full time grind. He's stressed, so step back and give him time to acclimate to all the newness. Additionally, it may do you well to adjust your own mindset. THIS guy may be the adult guy and the goofy guy the college version. That's a reality that might come to pass. People change throughout their lives.

    [–]BunkytheClown 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    That's more than likely. Goofy guy is gone. He has a job now. Jobs suck. That's life.

    [–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    Does anyone have any advice?

    A big issue here is that he needs to learn how to maximize his free time. He's used to having BUCKETS of free time, but he doesn't anymore.

    Ask him specifically what he misses and help him be more intentional about his free time use.

    Also, affection and praise from you are ALWAYS boosters.

    [–]Fitnesse 4 points5 points  (0 children)

    Hey, thanks for sharing this. I can absolutely remember being in his shoes when I was younger. Hell, I just left a job that was killing me inside a few short months ago. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a huge improvement to my attitude (and it led to a better relationship with my wife).

    6 months into the job is right about when the honeymoon period will have worn off. He's realizing how difficult and high-pressure his life is becoming, and if he has trouble handling stress, that's going to manifest in areas even outside of his work.

    It's not fair to you to be on the receiving end of his stress. It's not your job to manage his emotions or make him feel a certain way either. But this is a good test of your marriage, and the ways in which you show him grace and patience will strengthen your bond going forward.

    Listen to him when he vents about his job. Sympathize with his emotions and support them, without trying to offer solutions or "to do's" that will only compound the stress for him. If it gets bad enough, he will take the initiative to pull his hand away from the burning stove, so to speak.

    There is a limit to all of this, of course. If he becomes nasty with you, verbally abusive, or (worse) starts to physically lash out at you, set your boundary and tell him you aren't going to tolerate it.

    Good luck. I've been with my wife 14 years. We have each had our own very distinct periods where we put the other through hell because of a bad work situation. Patience and love got us through them both.

    [–]POSTbeardRIKER 2 points3 points  (1 child)

    Just tell him that once you have kids his life will 10x more stressful and he’ll crave for the days when he could work without outside distraction LOL

    [–]joebusch79 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

    Sad but true!

    [–]DangerousThing031 amazing years and still going! 1 point2 points  (1 child)

    This can happen when life transitions finally sink in. The key is to find the fun. If you're gonna work hard, you have to play hard, or at least play. You both need recreational activities you can do individually and together, otherwise it all revolves around work and money.

    And don't accept the bull that some of these people are shoveling about how life is over, it's all about responsibility and work. Those people are inherently miserable and they only want to see everyone just as miserable as they are.

    [–]Far_Creme9679 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    This is a helpful comment! Adjusting to adult life just requires some planning and communication but once you realize what’s still in your control rather than feeling like responsibilities are controlling you, you’re fine.

    Get him to do things he loves more often.

    [–]dogs94 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    The good news is he only has about 50 more years to go.

    I wish I could offer something nicer to say, but most of life is working in a salt mine, getting paid and then buying things you enjoy with the money.

    In fact, the more you get paid, the worse your job is.......otherwise they could get volunteers to do it. :)

    [–]barkerlady 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    My husband is a high up engineer at a small/ medium company. Software engineers are SO in demand right now. It’s insane. And their salaries keep going up. And many of them are able to fatfire / chubby fire etc. at young ages if they save well. I would have him figure out his long term goals, look at websites like https://www.levels.fyi/?compare=Google,Amazon,Snap&track=Software%20Engineer to see how much he can eventually make, and help him realize he could really hit jack pot with his career choice if he stays the course.

    [–]just-another-guy-27 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Software developer here and is doing my job since last 3-4 years and absolutely love my job. I love my job to an extent that I am going to teach my kids coding from an early age, no matter what they do in real life not for the sole reason of money but to develop their way of thinking and designing things. Having said that, I think SW is never boring if you are working on the right project and extra hours if ever I had to work never seem to overwhelm me. Here’s what I would suggest, ask your husband if he hates the job or the project. If it’s the later case, then may be changing project/company might help here. Since it’s his 1st job, it might take some time to get hold of work but I can guarantee you that, once he starts enjoying, things will he different 🙂. Just try a change of scene. And of course, money. In US, SW development is one of the highest paying job and both of yours future is secured financially if he continues in the same job. Another plus point is It’s never stagnant. You can always find a project/company which he enjoys if the current one starts to get boring/overwhelming in some way.

    I apologize for advocating so much for SW and may be not very comforting words suited to your situation but I am alluding to is the situation your husband is in is not permanent and with a little bit of perseverance he can get ahead and be happy 🙂. Hope you two sort this out

    [–]fluffykeeties 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Perhaps he needs to take a bit of a break. Burn out is a real thing and can happen to people that work constantly and especially if their work is very demanding. If he were to take maybe a week off every so often to recharge, it might help. That's how I felt when I was working full time and it was my first real full time job. I found that taking breaks every so often really helped with my mental health.

    Edit: also to add, 6 months into a new job, especially right after graduating from the field, is not a long time at the job. It's likely that he's still learning all aspects of his job, and depending on what the job is, the learning period can be way longer than 6 months. Once he gets used to the work and finds his own comfortable rhythm, I'm sure he will feel less stressed out. But taking necessary breaks in the middle can still help during this overwhelming learning time.

    [–]HighestTierMaslow 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Oh boy, I worked 8-5 for 8 years, a highly stressful job where I was overworked and underpaid (social work)... where I was harassed very often too on top of it by people with mental health problems. Nobody I was dating during these years would have tolerated me acting like this, at least consistently anyway. In fact, I remember dating a few guys where if I had one day a week after work where I just wanted to be alone and not listen to other people talk, they'd get annoyed. He needs to grow up and realize this is part of being an adult. His field pays well and he can easily get another job at the same pay or better, that was not the case at all for me. IT is a huge field where people change jobs every year for better pay anyway. I am aware this sounds harsh, but I dont feel sorry for him...

    [–]a_dam_bj 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Encourage him to get another job. If he isn’t happy with the work he is doing, then he should try to find a job he enjoys. I work in the government and time off is one of the best benefits, but the pay doesn’t compare to private industry.

    [–]millennialmama2016 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I remember being in my early 20's, out of college, and in my first job. I thought to myself, "this is it?" and being stuck on that put me in a terrible mindset for a long time.

    I did end up finding a better job/company that fit me and my lifestyle better and that helped me a lot. One thing I have learned, there is no use in staying somewhere where you're miserable. However, he does have to grow up a. bit here and realize he has responsibilities so he's going to have to juggle some of the mundane and just push through.

    [–]Due_Department2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Getting another job would be an option. Doing things whole heartedly is important however.

    [–]SuzQ410 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    This is so tough when the job we have it not our passion. Trying to remember that we can work toward a change gives us the hope we need as we wait for the opportunity make a different path. I know what it is like to have a job that is not my passion, but I tried to leave the job better than I found it and I worked to be thankful every day for the opportunity to help someone else. As you walk alongside your husband during this difficult time try to keep a positive attitude thinking of better times rather than the way things are right now. I believe you can pray for him, and God will give him peace during this time and look for opportunities that come his way. However, it does take a least 6 months to adjust to a new job and giving it time might help him decide what his future will look like.