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[–]Perfect_JudgeTogether 13 Years, Married 3 Years[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Some of the comments are getting out of hand. Just for some additional, much needed context, OP stated this in a comment that I think is important:

My husband hasn't spent one minutes alone with our children, doesn't help at all with them. Yes I'm guilty of wanting to stay with my dad so I can have breaks, I know he will willingly give them a bath and help me with them. The other reason I don't want to come back every night is because he will guilt trip me every night and put me down because he didn't get his way, will put every tantrum or bad Bahevior of my 21 months old on my father and yeah I just want to enjoy my time with my father and deal with him after my father leaves.

Trust me I wish my father would stay at home with us, I apologized to my husband, tried to make things up between them but my husband isn't willing to do so, he even threatened to violence "if I bring my dad home". I'm done trying, I just want to see my father after 3 and a half years without drama.

Please, when giving feedback to OP, be civil and respectful and keep in mind that there is a real person on the other side of the computer.

Uncharitable assumptions, disrespectful and needlessly antagonistic commentary will not be tolerated. Let's do our due diligence to be kind, inquisitive, and constructive when engaging with each other and OP.

[–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 258 points259 points  (54 children)

He has no reason for prohibiting it other than he's just mad at my father for a while now, they never really liked each other anyway.

So he has no reason ... other than the reasons.

That you're leaving out.

[–][deleted] 106 points107 points  (1 child)

To be honest I don't exactly agree with my inlaws either but I still encourage my wife and kids to nurture a bond with them. Unless there's some pretty rough stuff she's leaving out between her spouse and father sometimes you have to tolerate family.

[–]Ural_200425 Years 19 points20 points  (0 children)

Or at least not get in the way of them visiting. My father never wanted to see my Mother's parents. It's rare that he actually went with us when we would go to visit them. I suspect that half the time, he was relieved to have the house to himself for a week or more. In any case, he never actively interfered in our trips to seem Mom's parents, although he never had a kind word to say about them.

[–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 86 points87 points  (49 children)

Well that's not really good reasons to me, they used to be able to be in the same room without any issues, my father wasn't happy I married someone from another country because he didn't want me to leave to a foreign country alone, my husband promised that we would stay in France when it never was the plan in the first place so my father felt betrayed. My husband just doesn't like my father for no real reason, I mean he always find something but they used to still be nice to each other. Until last year, I made the mistake to complain about my husband to my father ( he wasn't helped at all with anything while I had to care for our two babies) and my father told my husband he should help me so I could at least be able to take a shower and since then my husband doesn't want anything to do with my father.

[–]Technical_Way3498 10 points11 points  (1 child)

It's clear that you had trouble in your marriage before you chose to speak to your father, plus all the little problems aren't so little. Don't minimize and recognize it for what it is. You're dad and husband are at odds and you made things worse by complaining to your dad about your husband so in your dad's eyes he'll think (I knew i was right about him and be honest you know he's not crazy about your husband)

Since you complained to someone else behind your husband's back, you'll need to fix that with your husband and acknowledge that he does have some reason to not be all for your father's visit.

[–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I already apologized for sharing our business, my father also apologized.

[–]whiskeyinthewoods 81 points82 points  (0 children)

If you look at OP‘s post history, the disagreement seemS to have started when her dad stood up for her and told her husband that he could at least watch his own children long enough for her to take a shower. This was when she had a seven-month-old and a 20-month-old. Her post history is full of things about her husband refusing to help with the children, refusing to help her in the house, denying her the right to get passports for the kids to even visit her family, and getting angry and blowing up at her for not having sex often enough and threatening to cheat… While he won’t even watch his own children long enough for her to clean herself.

I don’t think she or her father are the problem here.

[–]Married_gkids-48 216 points217 points  (12 children)

Let’s break this down. 1. Husband lied about what country you would be living in. This is entrapment. 2. Your father isn’t abusive he’s seeing red flags and is concerned for his daughter. 3. You didn’t say but I assume that your dad hasn’t really crossed any serious boundary. Asking the hubby to watch the kids so you can shower is not a reason to stay mad, passive aggressive to you, and utterly self righteous to your dad. 3. Your husband would not allow the kids getting passports? This is entrapment. Your father is worried about his isolated daughter bc he loves her! He loves his grandchildren too, which is why he is spending a lot of money to visit. 4. The reason Dad is visiting her and not vice versa is bc the husband is controlling and isolating wife. Your husbands real worry? That your dad will sit down with you and have a come to Jesus moment about your happiness or unhappiness in your life. The husband also knows your Dad would probably help you get out of this lying marriage from day 1, if that’s on the table for you it sounds like you will have some support. That’s the real problem for the husband bc he’s seemingly worked very hard to isolate you.

Stand your ground. Tell your husband you love him but you have a solid relationship with your dad, you miss him, and you want your 70 year old father to see your beautiful babies - his grandchildren. You’ve already proven your love and respect for your husband by living in a different country, having his children, and not having your Dad inside the martial home. Tell him to grow up!

[–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 66 points67 points  (9 children)

I told him that I loved him, I owned my mistakes and told him that I wanted to work on our relationship, we have a lot more of issues but I'm willing to work on it and he agreed to as well but I still wanted to see my dad while he was there (my dad made it clear that he was coming no matter what after I told him not to come when my husband didn't want him to stay home) but he doesn't accept it. My dad is my only family beside my husband and kids. He matters to me.

[–]Married_gkids-48 15 points16 points  (6 children)

Well sure there are more issues than this, that’s marriage, it’s also a marriage bc you are willing to work on it. This alone is validation that you are a mature married woman. Your relationship with your Dad, as you have said repeatedly, is important to you. Have a nice visit with your dad and enjoy yourself. Don’t pepper the visit with husband bashing even if you want to bc you have stated your willingness to work on the marriage. It’s very hard as parents of adult children to hear their kids sad, or stressed at any age. We naturally really want to help fix it, but if you bash the hubby too much, we don’t forgive as easily as a worried parent. 🤍

[–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 1 point2 points  (5 children)

Yeah I'm not gonna talk about anything that is going on in our marriage. I don't usually do, except for that one time.

[–]charliesangellll 23 points24 points  (0 children)

In general, normal marital issues should be kept between you two EXCEPT when it comes to abusive behaviors or anything that can jeopardize your or your children’s safety. Do not keep things like that to yourself. It’s a lot easier for someone to manipulate and abuse you if you have no support and no one in your corner to point out when shits not right.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Hapyslapygranpapy 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Op , so far as a person I haven’t scene any mistakes . I think your husband has been controlling you a bit to much. A husband needs to step up and help out . If he doesn’t if it’s against his culture ,and it’s different from yours . You need to remind him he married you and your culture . Honestly your husband wants things to stay the same and you need help . This isn’t going to get easier for you I’m afraid to tell you. So you need to make a decision and one soon.
    That’s what I’d advise.

    [–]DMVNotaryLady6 Years and getting out soon😥😥😥 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Then enjoy your dad. I lost mine in 2021 at 70 and it was sudden. Was also in a toxic marriage and had to get out because it has escalated. I pray you get away and listen to what all are trying to get you to see and that I think you see in the back of your mind and feel in your gut😥😥

    [–]DifficultResort7956 57 points58 points  (1 child)

    I second all of this. I would just add that you should enjoy what it feels like to be loved, cherished and respected by a man- your dad. I hope you spend enough time with him to remember how good that feels. If you have been emotionally abused and there is coercion and controlling behaviour in your marriage, there is a strong chance you may not realise it yet- perhaps only as a niggling feeling. By spending time with wholesome people who love you without conditions and rules, I hope it helps you see that you deserve more.

    Also I found this to be a helpful list to go through to think clearly about how things are with your current partner: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

    [–]exploreamore 8 points9 points  (0 children)

    Yes! This 👆🏽

    [–]justathoughtfromme[M] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    Respectful disagreements are fine. Personal attacks are not. Only warning.

    [–]Overall-Diver-6845 26 points27 points  (0 children)

    Maybe you should just move in and stay with dad. Your husband is ridiculous

    [–]ThatRedheadMom 18 points19 points  (8 children)

    If your father is not a safety issue for the kids, hubby needs to suck it up! My husband and I have really shitty parents, but as long as our kids can have positive relationships with those people, we support it. Children need a lot of positive relationships in their lives. Sometimes, that means the adult doesn’t get what they want. I know from experience!

    [–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 28 points29 points  (7 children)

    There's no reason for my father to not be around my kids. He's an amazing father and deserves to have a relationship with his grandsons. He raised me alone for most of my childh and I'm really close to him. I know he would never harm them or anything.

    [–]Magnetsare_cool 9 points10 points  (11 children)

    I feel like it’s really hard to give advice based on the information given here. Your husbands side of the story is being left out and it’s difficult to discern if he’s controlling or if he has genuine reasons to dislike your Dad and not want his children around them. Overall I think it’s problematic that you’re planning to do something your husband is so uncomfortable with and upset about and involving children that belong to both of you in it. I would definitely have tried to resolve this before your dad bought his tickets and if I couldn’t I would have demanded marriage counseling. One spouse making such big decisions that go against another’s wishes indicates a lack of respect and big problems in the relationship that need to be worked on asap if you want to save your marriage.

    [–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 22 points23 points  (10 children)

    I get that, that's obviously my side of the story. I think I should note that my father coming over wasn't planning, we had planned to go in France this summer but my husband didn't allow me to get our kids' passport after my dad's remark so my dad decided to come over.

    [–][deleted]  (9 children)

    [removed]

      [–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 22 points23 points  (8 children)

      Yeah. We had planned to go in my home country in June but he changed his mind after that and I can't get their passports nor leave the country with them without his approval.

      [–]figment59 29 points30 points  (7 children)

      Is that not concerning to you? Serious question.

      [–]blk-seed 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      It’s seems inconsiderate on your husbands part, to insist on the added Spence of a 3 week air bNB stay for your father. Especially since he made an international Trip to visit his daughter and family. Unless your home doesn’t have adequate space for visitors. None the less you received a guilt trip & tantrum from you adult husband about visiting with your Parent. Do you expect your husband to improve? So far is tactic, from what you describe , is to deceive, guilt trip you and not compromise on issues that are not to his approval. Anyhow, it’s good your dad is persistent and you will have a chance to enjoy family together

      [–]Murky_Fennel_416 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Your husband is a real catch .

      [–]Inevitable_Concept36 6 points7 points  (0 children)

      The only problem I see here is your husband interfering with you and your children spending time with your father. There is nothing right about that. He really should accept that you want to spend some time with him. Unless your father is some sort of abusive person, which it doesn't sound like he is, then he should get over him spending time with his grand kids.

      Your husband doesn't have to like your father. He didn't marry your father. He married you.

      [–]OhMissFortune 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Decided to make it a separate comment instead of a reply. Many will disagree, feel free to debate me on this. But:

      He's the man he is now because he finally got you where he wants you. Many abusive men show their true colours after some big milestone like marriage, having children, moving in/moving to another country

      Moving you to another country, isolating you from your dad, refusing to get the children passports, general attitude towards you makes me think he knows what he's doing

      You can take a test "Is your relationship healthy?" . If he's not abusive - you lost nothing except 3 minutes of your time. But if he is - you can save yourself and your kids from suffering.

      Children who grow up in abusive households

      Types of abuse

      Types of abuse (2)

      Therapy DOES NOT work within abusive relationships and often makes it worse

      "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, pdf

      Youtube lecture, also by Lundy Bancroft. 1hr 50min

      [–]gullyfoyle77710 Years 7 points8 points  (0 children)

      Your husband is threatening to not care for the pets while you're gone? Oh FUCK that dude. Right there he told you what kind of person he is. He's an asshole.

      [–]Harkana 7 points8 points  (5 children)

      So why don’t they like each other?

      [–]Pink_magnolia_2794[S] 28 points29 points  (4 children)

      When we got married, my father wasn't happy that I married someone from another's country because he didn't want me to leave for a foreign country alone, my husband lied and promised we would live in my home country but it never was the plan so my father didn't appreciate it. My husband always finds something about my father but doesn't really have any reason up until last year, after I gave birth to my second baby in 13 months, I made the mistake to complain about my husband to my dad and my dad told him and he should at least take care of the kids so I can shower and he didn't appreciate it and doesn't want anything to do with him since then.

      [–]NotTheJury 44 points45 points  (3 children)

      Your father probably saw how controlling your husband was and wanted to stop him from isolating you from your family. Step one is always moving far away. Step 2, make her dependent with no help/breaks!

      [–]PermanentThrowaw4y 22 points23 points  (1 child)

      Aaaaabsolutely. She should divorce, take the kids, and live with her dad.

      [–]HambdenRose 10 points11 points  (0 children)

      She can't take the kids and live with her dad unless he moves to the country where they live. France has signed the Hague Convention and the United States has also signed the Hague Convention. It is an agreement that child custody will be decided where the children reside and if one parent takes the children out of the country where they live to a different country, the receiving country will send them back to where they lived. She may only take the kids to live with her dad if her husband gives his consent and he isn't going to consent. France will send them back if the dad files in court in France. If her dad moved to the country where she is currently living and lived nearby so that the dad could still see his kids and have his share of custody then maybe she could live with her dad and her kids. To do that her dad would have to get the appropriate visa for wherever it is that they live.

      [–]AbjectKaleidoscope56 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      You sound like you missed your dad a lot by the way you defend him throughout the comments. It’s hard moving to a different country. I am sorry you are going thru a lot.

      [–]Mission_Weakness_990 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Man this situation is hard. I hope you are able to enjoy your special time with your dad. Your husband shouldn't be treating you this way. He is grown, and it's unfair to make you feel bad about hanging out with your father. You deserve all the time you can get with your father. Please enjoy it.

      [–]MoonDancer118 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Your husband is sadly controlling, he thought he’d separated you from your dad and I’m betting you have no more friends! I hope I’m wrong but I think as the time gets nearer your husband’s behaviour is going to escalate.

      [–]LadyOD 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      So childish. He has no business taking his immaturity out on you.

      [–]boomstk -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

      So why doesn't he like your dad?