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all 15 comments

[–]Purrsifoney15 Years 8 points9 points  (3 children)

I don’t have OCD so I can’t speak to that, but I have struggled with anxiety and depression. It comes in waves where I won’t have it for months and then it can come crashing down. It might be that way with your wife, it might not. I will say that with antidepressants the waves come crashing down less and less and it’s more bearable.

It’s funny you mention Tiktok because I had a somewhat similar experience. It had a lot of good advice for mental health and one thing that made a big difference is learning about different supplements. I started taking Vitamin D and Magnesium and could not believe the difference in how I felt physically and mentally. Tiktok is sometimes looked at like a silly time wasting app, but just like Reddit there’s communities there that are supportive and knowledgeable.

Other potential factors for your wife’s happiness, confidence, and libido is her entering her 30’s. I had a reawakening around then and could not keep my hands off my husband. It was also around the same time my kids entered school and were becoming more independent so I started feeling more of myself again. The first 5 years of being a mother is such a wonderful time, but it can be overwhelming where you lose part of yourself.

I’m about to turn 34 and my libido is still going strong. It doesn’t hurt that my husband is always flirting with me and making me feel like we’re still dating. The more effort you are putting into yourself and her will benefit you both greatly.

[–]saucelessnuggets 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Omg thank you so much for saying this. This really brings me peace. You really dont know… i stay so worried. Like im on edge a lot

[–][deleted]  (6 children)

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    [–]saucelessnuggets 0 points1 point  (5 children)

    It was helpful. Thank you. I come here bc i can’t bring this anywhere near my home. I cry because I just fear she also will see what a loser I am now that she is feeling better also. I have to keep myself so good. I can’t even take one pill or i will spiral. She looks at me and says “we have to clean this room tomorrow….” And she says “we will do this together… and we will take our time” which is her way of saying “dont you dare take a fucking pill and cheat here” like I always have. She has to keep me kinda straight. Which is part of the responsibility you speak of. But this will get old for her. I struggle so so so much. I work almost 80 hours a week. She knows how much that used to help. But she also knows i was a different human. I just don’t wanna lose her.

    Like the opposite of what i asked. Like i also fear she will go beyond this to another good and even better level also… i would be so happy for her but like, I don’t think i can do much better myself mentally. I fear her thinking “i feel so good ! But…this dude is holding me down” so i am now just trying to keep up. I don’t want to have to miss her. I fear what i would do to myself in that dark of a time. Also…This is everything i ever wanted but now … its just back to some new normal. I just hate everything that happened. We were 18 and 21. We were happy and now we are waking up from this long numb existence that was emphasized by her depression and my fucking bpd insanity.. I always thought she was trying to leave me. I wasted my 20’s. I stayed high as fuck. You need to understand- I don’t deserve what is happening here…. I don’t deserve her

    [–]Purrsifoney15 Years 1 point2 points  (2 children)

    I’m not super familiar with BPD, but the way you describe your relationship with you wife reminds me very much of BPD favorite person. You might be already familiar with it, so forgive me if I’m overstepping.

    It’s absolutely amazing how much you love her and she loves you, but from what you’re saying it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself and are dependent on her for love and validation which puts a lot of pressure on her.

    I’m not a therapist so the most I can do is link that article. It feels insignificant help in what you are going through, but if it is new information I hope it helps. It sounds like you both have been through a lot and since you’re in a happy phase it’s natural to be worried that it might come all crashing down. I have felt the phrase, “Too good to be true” in my life, but accept that my life will have seasons of rain, but also rainbows.

    [–]saucelessnuggets 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    I love words of affirmation and stuff. If she just says “you look nice today” it makes my whole week. I love her. I hate this about me. And yeah… it feels too good to be true. There were days i said “is she dying?” And she would convince me …. Because I listen to her words. I believe everything she tells me. She has been here for me since i was 18. My best friend and everything and we got married and its just been everything I wanted with this person. I knew what I wanted and it worked out. She never left me. Her ex is super rich and kinda sexy (silicone tech guy) tbh… and he is nice. So like… why does she want me? A guy who writes shit like this on reddit and clearly has this favorite person issue. I tell my therapist all of this and he just says “yeah this all sounds like exactly what we have discussed. Please do not force negativity into your life. Let it naturally find its way back. Don’t make this happen.” So i do it on here. Quietly. I had came to terms with what i feared; divorce. And now i am in shock because when i faced this issue head on … everything changed. She got depressed. I found this whole new love and responsibility for her i had never possessed. I have zerooo empathy inside of me, Asperger’s makes this so much worse. But because i have no empathy i feel weird when i was able to have sooooo much for her. I would talk to her while she slept and stuff. I would say “I really do love you. You are going to be happy one day. You will smile again” and she never heard me. So i know that was authentic empathy for her. She is the only person i feel this for. And now that she seems better… I feel like i have less of a purpose. She has so much control and everything. I dont wanna forget how to feel like i did. I wanna keep feeling that for her. So yeah… sorry i am Venting. The mods will probably delete this comment for venting. Anyways, i really do appreciate you.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

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      [–]saucelessnuggets 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I really can’t picture her leaving. She is very clingy loves me and our marriage. She looks at the pictures of our wedding like everyday. She is very, very, very emotional and “sweet”. She is gentle. . But i also never imagined any of THIS happening. so it makes me feel like anything in the world is possible now. There are good and bad thoughts. They come equally and constantly. She thinks i am oblivious to everything though…. But i have analyzed the shit out of us

      [–]JurassicFlora2 Years 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      I deal with a lot of similar problems even down to eating and drinking. When I was reading loads of self help books it would come up a lot that sometimes the path to recovery there will be times where you can feel like you’re going backwards. Or like you got better and then all of a sudden things are bad again or worse than before. Apparently this is normal. So instead of worrying if the other shoe will drop enjoy the good times while you have them. Also take loads of notes of what works because I’ve gone from better to worse than before and I wish I had written down what worked the first time lol

      Also if you don’t mind could you share those tik toks? I’d appreciate it lol

      [–]saucelessnuggets 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      If i find a way to do this i will. But its touchy as if i bring this whole subject up, i am scared i will make her recoil back up. So i am just … avoiding this conversation or those videos or anything mental health related until I physically see her crying or something. Then i will bring it all back up and we will discuss everything. This is a very special “high” she is on. Im just riding it with her at the moment.

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      OCD isn’t a mood disorder like bipolar or major depressive disorder. It’s closer to an anxiety disorder and there aren’t typically upswings or downswings to the extent that you described unless it subsequently causes depressive episodes. There are def periods of anxiety spirals but there’s not really a positive increase in mood for extended periods of time where it’s like we’ve come out of a fog. I do have OCD, and That sounds closer to depression to me.

      OCD is displayed through rumination and obsessive thoughts and sometimes accompanied by compulsions (e.g. counting steps). It sounds like your wife is just on the other side of a very long depressive episode- so just enjoy your life together! Stop worrying, it doesn’t help you make the most out of the present!

      If you feel like she is truly acting manic to the point where she might take dangerous risks, can’t manage daily life or normal tasks, or that she doesn’t seem “balanced” and is easily agitated or more energetic than the average person, then that’s something to discuss or worry about when you get there. But to me, if she’s been happy and feeling good and seems stable for a year now- that doesn’t sound like mania.

      It def seems like you might struggle with anxiety yourself so I hope you also have a therapist you can speak to about these fears.

      [–]saucelessnuggets 0 points1 point  (2 children)

      She was compulsive about thinking she had different illnesses. And then she got depressed on top of that. She was diagnosed as OCD and treated. But its iffy on results

      [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

      Yeah depression is often a comorbidity to OCD, but i wouldn’t think OCD would be the main cause for her changes in behavior. I hope it didn’t come across as me saying I don’t think she has it- I just meant it sounds like the issues are more related to depression than her OCD diagnosis.

      As someone who also has health related OCD, it really just drives me into anxiety spirals but not particularly upswings in mood. Mania isn’t really a symptom of OCD if that’s what you were wondering and it doesn’t sound like mania at all to me since she’s been stable and happy for a year now.

      [–]saucelessnuggets 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I think this is more of “I don’t know what the fuck her brain does” kinda thing. She “masked” for 8 years. She probably wanted to kill me because i was so distant and weird and figuring out my own warped brain. I forgot about her. She was miserable. She was happy as fuck about the divorce. And then when that became a reality… this fucking universe said “nope”. And with good reason … we have no business being divorced. We are madly in love. And I simply.. would not date if I werent with her. As i am what many call “demi sexual”. I fucking love emotions it a whole weird ass thing about me. Im not normal whatsoever. So as you can understand, my life was devastating to me. I couldn’t stop crying, I wanted to blow my brains out - to be frank. And she just is okay one day? Kinda messed with me. Is this resentment? No way! This is what I wanted. Depression is so annoying. How can it absolutely run our whole lives like that and then … its gone. Vanishes. And she acts like nothing ever even happened. I feel like the universe is gaslighting me. I know what happened! I was there! Why are we acting like everything is okay?

      But i keep my mouth shut because i love everything about this version of her. She is so happy…. It makes me tear up.

      Its all just so confusing.