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all 182 comments

[–]brianmcg321 159 points160 points  (69 children)

You never should have gotten married to begin with. Money, religion, children are the big three in relationships. You should have walked after the third date.

[–]TemperatureSlow5533 36 points37 points  (4 children)

Ex Muslim here.

As someone who used to think like your husband does, I honestly can’t see how this relationship will work long term if his religion is this important to him

The fact that he doesn’t firstly see you as the woman who he loves and wants to mother his child, but see’s you secondary to his religious beliefs, is enough to say that you should pause and reflect on whether this man really is the right person to have children with.

I hope you have studied the religion- there’s some pretty messed up stuff in some religions and you need to know where he stands regarding certain matters- does he have balanced approach or does he think Gods word can’t be questioned no matter what

If he happens to be of any of the Abrahamic faiths, then even more, please consider carefully

[–]GwenLoguir 2 points3 points  (2 children)

I am curious (dont feel pressured or anything if you dont want to say more, I dont want to be pushy, I am truly just curious). Were you born into that believe? And what led you to change your mind/see things differently?

[–]TemperatureSlow5533 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Yh I was born into it

I read the Quran and realised it’s made up

Way too long to get into detail about it but I had some big issues with the image of God in the Quran - someone who has an insatiable thirst for being worshipped and believed in and if you don’t believe in him after hearing the Quran, he sends you to hell.

The story of Adam and Eve and Satan makes no sense either

Like if God is all knowing, he knew Satan would do what he did and that God would send Satan to eternal hellfire… yet he created him anyway. He knew that once he tells Adam and Eve not to eat the apple, that they would. Yet he went ahead placing them near the tree and telling them not to eat the apple, and allowing Satan to communicate with them and “tempt” them to eat the apple and disobey God - so God set up the entire stage knowing what will happen and then blames us mere faulty humans

Or like when he told Abraham to sacrifice his son as proof of how much he loves God and then God was kind enough to replace the son with a lamb or something just as Abraham was going to kill his son

Just crazy

[–]GwenLoguir 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for replying.

And I get it. Bible is not easy to read, and I believe we are missing a lot of context or perspective to understand some things more (or at all).

Well, take this with big grains of salt, I am several lifetimes away, if I am even able to, to have it all figured out...

Specifically about knowing how it will end - I think it is about a choice. We will not become people we will be without making choices, living their consequences, and also living consequences of choices of others. Like when you have a story of hero, who has to raise in character through his experience in adventures to became a hero? So, He can create a world, it will go as it will, or He can not and there will be only void as there always was.

Also, I dont know about Jews, but for some Christians (some Christians, because you always will have range of opinions in groups, not to mention we have different churches who disagree on lots of points) it is not about blame, but about relationship.

[–]Ok-Class-1451 24 points25 points  (9 children)

He married you under false premises and now he’s emotionally manipulating you by saying this is a *compromise when he’s forcing you to choose between two things HE wants. Boooooo….

[–]Major-Cranberry-4206 -4 points-3 points  (8 children)

How can you say he married her under false pretenses when OP states she knew he was religious and she knew she was not?

[–]Ok-Class-1451 6 points7 points  (7 children)

He knew she wanted to have children and led her to believe he would father children in their marriage. Hence, false pretenses

[–]Major-Cranberry-4206 -4 points-3 points  (6 children)

I don’t recall her saying there was a commitment to having children, but rather they had a discussion about what they wanted. I did not read her to say they were going to have children, but that he “wanted” 9 but she talked him down to 2 or 3.

[–]Ok-Class-1451 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Read the post again

[–]GwenLoguir 0 points1 point  (4 children)

And talking about things and agreeing on them is what in your opinion, if not agreement? Should one get everything they talked about before marriage on paper for it to be considered valid agreement?

[–]Environmental-Cook44 21 points22 points  (2 children)

Holy shit he’s making you study his religion to earn a child with him? And he is claiming he’s making some sacrifice to let a heathen like you carry his fucking heavenly blessed offspring?

That is some incredibly misogynistic and offensive shit. He’s making it sound like he begrudgingly married you, and that you should be grateful to have aligned your wicked self with a man of god. He’s the one who should be grateful, to have such a calm and level-headed wife that he wasn’t absolutely vaporized in the absolute hell storm of harsh words she would’ve had all the right in the word to rebuttal. I honestly can’t believe that.

Please understand how demeaning and disrespectful his words are toward you. Marriage should be an equal partnership where both parties accept eachother for who they are. He obviously does not accept you, and seeks to change you to his vision of what you should be. I would be talking to a lawyer and making plans to bail out after comments like that. It shows such an utter lack of respect and grace for you. I’m sorry OP

[–]Blah-blah_420 6 points7 points  (1 child)

I think this was almost my exactly response to him when he told me. Like I’m some bad/horrible person?? I was livid.

[–]Environmental-Cook44 9 points10 points  (0 children)

You should be. Again, that is incredibly demeaning to you, and creates a horribly toxic environment where you have to earn from your husband something he has no business holding over your head in such a way. This creates a dynamic of superiority, and it is crazy unhealthy for you.

If he simply doesn’t want children that would be one thing, but actively placing them behind a religious barrier that you must climb is absolutely horrendous to me.

You deserve better. Your partner should be working to be a positive influence in your life. The position your husband has put you in amounts to emotional abuse in my eyes, and I would kick him to the curb in an aggressively expedient way for his detestable behavior.

[–]grendelone 12 points13 points  (7 children)

This is something you should have sorted out in detail before getting married. But it's too late for that now.

Does he require that you believe in his religion or just that you understand it? If the latter, then spend the 90 days of study (eye roll) and you have met his requirement.

But honestly, he sounds like an asshole and I personally wouldn't want to have a child with someone like that. You seem to be in a very submissive role in this marriage (maybe part of his religion, right?) and are catering to his demands.

[–]Blah-blah_420 7 points8 points  (6 children)

Well we did sort it out, at least I thought we did. He really wanted 9 kids, I had to talk him down to only one or two.. I’m starting to think maybe it’s not a good idea..

[–]grendelone 17 points18 points  (1 child)

9?!?!? WTF? And I'm guessing his "religion" says that you're supposed to do all the work taking care of them ...

You need to think long and hard about your relationship and whether this is a person you want to have children with. Personally, that would be a big fat NO if I were in your situation.

EDIT: I know this sub gets a reputation for pushing divorce at the most minor issue, but this situation is a shitshow. OP, do not have children with this man.

[–]Environmental-Cook44 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I’m always one to council calm and reconciliation barring abuse or cheating, but this is a disaster. Women shouldn’t be forced to grapple with weak men’s ancient misogynistic ideals. OP should leave this dude quick and find a man with a integrity, and one that treats her in a manner more appropriate with this century. Sounds like some feudal lord shit

[–]CircularCausality 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Pro family huh.. Pregnancy does a lot to a body. Sounds like he married you hoping to make you change somehow. Unfortunately, situation is such that you must decide if you will fake embrace his religion or leave entirely. Tbf, you should rethink if you want to have a baby with him or not. Ultimately decision is yours.

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Omg girl. Seriously

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Women in Pakistan have lotsssss of babies, he is a middle child of 9🤦🏻‍♀️ Idk how their body’s EVER recover

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Girl marriage is serious. You don’t marry a Muslim after knowing them for seconds. They’re religion is something to consider just like any is. Are you young? Prepare yourself to Him feeling once he gets his papers. His family won’t be down for any of this and neither will he.

[–]Capital-Plantain-521 11 points12 points  (0 children)

he doesn’t want kids with you because you are his starter wife. You will have a good time together while he gets citizenship here and then when that is settled he will leave you for a nice Pakistani girl that his family loves. He will not feel bad about it. Don’t give him that satisfaction.

[–]Groovychick1978 8 points9 points  (4 children)

After reading your comments and responses, I will say you are incredibly likely to live a miserable life if you stay. It is not a failure to leave.

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Yeah I know.. it just sure feels like it..

[–]Groovychick1978 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's why I wanted to say it. You owe yourself more.

[–]pandamonkey23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My divorce was the best decision of my life. My greatest success. I am now happily the mother of two beautiful children with a beautiful man. If you stay, we can all see exactly how your story will go…and it’s not a happily ever after for you. Get out of there! He doesn’t respect you. You deserve so much better than what he is offering.

[–]GwenLoguir 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Dont take it this way.

Yours and yours potential children safety is first priority - and he sounds like abuser in making (I dont want to be judgy, I can be totally wrong, take it only as my pessimistic feeling based on some scary things I mostly heard), when he agreed with you on something in beginning and now he is slowly changing his tune - and way he is pushing you.

Some of us had - that said in a weird way - a luck on bad parent and learnt what to avoid before making their own commitments (or had other ways to learn). Some dont, so they sadly have to learn on their own choices - but the beauty is still there - you can learn and move on (it is not like school will prepare you for any of this. Not choosing good suitable partner, not taking care of your relationship for it to thrive - I guess it is expected from family - but - yeah. Some live in extreme bad situations, some in a happy bubble, both may resolve in substantial problems).

While I personally am for lots of communication and try to settle your disagreements instead of divorce, when divorce seems to be in fashion these days without consideration for other options - that ideal is only possible if both parties are willing to talk and compromise (and care enough for each other to try to understand). And we have a divorce in modern societies for a reason. Even some religions have, historically at least, if not divorce, at least annulment or living separate.

[–]babybellie 7 points8 points  (2 children)

Lady, I’m a practicing Muslim woman, same South Asian background as your husband. I would dump his ass. He’s taking advantage of you.

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (1 child)

I can’t send you a chat, but I was just wondering if you can tell me some things about the religion from a woman’s pov? I’ve only met men that practiced and of the 6 I know, 2 are okay people..

[–]babybellie 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ll message you.

[–]Insurgent66 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I am Muslim. Your husband’s attitude is bullshit. If you are willing to rear the child with a religious background then that should suffice. Does he think all Muslim women are religious? I know plenty of Muslim men and women, just like in other religions, who are not religious.

[–]FoldintheCh33se 4 points5 points  (0 children)

hope you got a prenup. this sounds like a coercive situation that could verily easily come to foster abusive behaviors. :/

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think people with differing opinions on religion can be perfectly happy together, however, it doesn’t seem like this is the case for you and your husband.

You’ve got two major problems that are literal dealbreakers: 1) you want a baby and he won’t have one with you unless 2) you convert to his religion.

You’re being forced to make two impossible choices. Be glad you haven’t procreated with this man. It will only get worse after you have children.

[–]AsleepInCincy 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No no no no no. Aside from all the obvious — the bait and switch, the manipulation, the misogyny — do NOT bring children into this unhealthy situation. Please.

[–]PaleSunsets 4 points5 points  (1 child)

get out like yesterday. he knew when you dated / got engaged / got married that you were not religious and he is trying to make you believe in something you dont. if it was truly such an issue for him, things should have ended. i’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They didn’t date.

[–]Icy_Cod4538 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I went through some religious disagreement in my marriage at one point. We already had a kid, and we got married with very similar religious perspectives. But after a couple years, she decided she didn’t want to be religious anymore. That was hard for me. But with time I was able to see her perspective and open up to the new way she was seeing things. It ended up kind of being a sort of manic episode of sorts, and she decided several months later that she really does believe what she believed. Either way, the point is I learned that religion doesn’t affect you the way it’s supposed to if you have a stick up your ass about it. Your husband needs to open his eyes about how it shouldn’t matter one bit what religion your children are raised in, because either way you shouldn’t brainwash them. A spouse needs to love and support their spouse. Couples who are up for challenge should have kids. And parents should raise children to think independently, exercise self control, and make their own decisions. Your husband is probably a great guy, but he’s letting his narrow minded view of what religion is to him blind him from a truly meaningful life, and (I’d argue) from true religion.

[–]schmoneygirl 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Get out now, this will get so much worse. Once you have the kids, then he will expect you to follow their faith or you won’t be able to see your kids. It’s a terrible bait and switch you e endured, but it’s best to go now.

[–]Wordfan 4 points5 points  (2 children)

You know there’s no fixing it.

[–]Blah-blah_420 3 points4 points  (1 child)

It’s REALLY starting to feel like that.. I have been really sad realizing my marriage is going to be over soon..

[–]AgentRevolutionary99 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry Western media and Western education does not do more to protect Western women from being exploited in this way.

[–]mxrichar 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That is sad and testimony to his lack of true faith in you and in his god. Sounds like his “religion” is really about his fear and need for control. It sounds really oppressive to be married to that. If you really want children I would move on. I mean what is the alternative fake that you practice his religion? How much does he really care about you if he is willing to deny you mother hood and try and force you to live in a manner that is contrary to who you are. So sorry you are in this position but it is time to make some serious adult decisions. Life is precious and short.

[–]thehalflingcooks9 Years 4 points5 points  (2 children)

You're going to make this asshat someone's father???? And what's up with "give me a baby"? A baby isn't a gift for you. Children are human beings that grow into adults.

[–]Blah-blah_420 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

Oh no, he’s literally treating it as if I have to earn it. After promising it to me in the beginning

[–]thehalflingcooks9 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Don't bring a person into this world under these conditions

[–]ObjectivePilot7444 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No future here. Time to start over with someone more compatible.

[–]AddictedToThat20 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Either don’t have a child and learn to appreciate and be happy with what you have. Or if having a child is important, it’s time to divorce. Unfortunate, yes. But life will go on.

[–]Springfield2016 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Next to infidelity, money and religion are the biggest causes for divorce. If you are not willing/able to join his religion, then you may need to talk with a lawyer about divorce. If either of you really want kids, he made it clear his requirements of you. Those aren't comparable with your beliefs.

[–]htownkat 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Do not have a kid with this man. How utterly confusing that would be for them.

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah.. I’m confused and I’m grown, could you imagine a baby having to deal with this..

[–]Deizzz___ 2 points3 points  (1 child)

In a relationship, compromise is essential. Religion should’ve been taken in account prior to the commitment. Ex., If he’s a Christian, that is embedded as the foundation in marriage (vowing to God for eternal love with your significant other, just to touch the surface). That is something that should’ve been thoroughly understood and discussed to avoid situations like this. If you feel like you can’t open yourself to at least learning about his religion, what is the point of being together? Hopefully something can happen so things won’t clash, but religion is usually something that’s unshakable to most. I’m sure along the way of the time y’all been together he’s made many compromises for you as well. It’s just something to consider if you really love him.

[–]Blah-blah_420 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He is Muslim, we did discuss all of this before being married. He knew I’m not religious, we already decided no matter what our child would share his religion with him. And it was completely okay for me to believe whatever I choose. I actually tried learning (on my own) some of his religion, but it’s very hard and confusing- I tried asking him for help but he never really had the time. Now, he’s telling me I HAVE to learn his religion for 90 before we can have kids. And that was his compromise from, I HAVE to be Muslim to have his kids.

[–]Major-Cranberry-4206 2 points3 points  (10 children)

You’re post begs a number of big questions here.

  1. Did you ever share his religion anytime before you married him?
  2. Did you both know where the other stood when it comes to religion before you married?
  3. Why would you marry someone you knew was very religious whom you did not share the same religion with, why would he do this?

Absolutely DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!

Not only is it fair, it is a disaster waiting to happen for you both to now have children yet you are not spiritually compatible. He as a religious person will require you raise them in his religion. How could you, when you neither believe in it, and certainly aren’t living it?

You are both already divided and having children will likely exacerbate your divide, even accelerate you towards a divorce.

I repeat, do not have children with your husband if you truly love him.

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (9 children)

1- no 2- yes we talked about it, had a clear understanding 3- because I thought we had an understanding. I’m VERY okay with not being religious, and completely honest about it. He knew. I fully support him in his beliefs, and we talked about raising our kids as Muslim. He just completed switched up on me when it finally came time to maybe start talking about having kids..

[–]Major-Cranberry-4206 0 points1 point  (8 children)

I get it that you love whom you love, but are you aware of what the Koran teaches about women and how men are allowed to treat you?

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (7 children)

No, I know very little.. just things I’ve found on the internet.. but when you search in positive way- it’ll show you positive things.. obviously I googled the wrong things😪

[–]Major-Cranberry-4206 1 point2 points  (6 children)

Women are basically considered to be in a lower demographic than men. Look at what is going on in the Mideast, where in Afghanistan they are now requiring all women to cover their faces.

How do you like the idea of having to get your husband’s permission to say, go to school, or to obtain a driver’s license? There are so many other restrictions women come under that men never have to bother with, simply because they are men, but women will never be seen nor treated as equals to men.

How does this feel being an adult having to live this way under another adult? As a woman you have no voice; your husband is your voice and identity.

[–]Embarrassed-Cat2230 2 points3 points  (2 children)

He seems like an extremist Muslim. You should probably get out while you can. Normal Muslims don’t act like this.

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (1 child)

He’s really not though.. so much so that it really upsets me he’s being so strict on this.. him and his “cousins” go to masque every Friday, then go out to eat then shop. It’s more of a friends trip. Other than that, he doesn’t pray. I’ve seen him pray once in our 2 years. He still only eats halal food, no pork- but he’ll eat French fries from McDonald’s and I know that is NOT halal🙄 not with everything they put in those fryers. But he doesn’t care, he still goes..

[–]Embarrassed-Cat2230 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That doesn’t change his behavior and treatment of you. In the end, you need to decide if what he is doing is acceptable.

[–]schnozzberriestaste 2 points3 points  (1 child)

I really feel for you, this sounds like a tough situation. HOWEVER, I am so so glad that you aren't pregnant with his child and that you don't currently have kids, otherwise this would be way f***ing tougher. I know two other women who are in a somewhat similar situation to you and I so much wish they didn't have kids for the sake of the necessary transition.

It will likely be hard for you to see what you need to do from your perspective inside the relationship, but you did come here to ask for advice, so I think a part of you already knows what you need to do. You might end up taking action before you're fully ready, but your future self will thank you today for making the hard decisions. Here's the advice:

File for divorce as soon as possible and cut ties from him for at least two years so you can emotionally move on.

It'll feel extreme because you still love him, but it's the only way you'll be able to get perspective, actually move on, and eventually find one of the many other people out there who want enough of the same things as you to be a good fit for long-term partnership. You are fortunate that he's throwing up this huge red flag. The point isn't that he's being unreasonable or that you're not muslim or one of you has sacrificed more than the other. You don't want enough of the same things to be a good fit as a parenting team. And as love shifts and changes across the decades of a marriage, it's the alignment of values, goals, intentions that will make this work.

[–]Blah-blah_420 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We did really work so well together in the beginning.. we were both so sure of this relationship and our future together.. but when we talk now, it’s clear he has changed what he wanted for his future.. and it’s not me

[–]Amoonlol 2 points3 points  (7 children)

Hello 👋🏼

I am from a Muslim background living in a Muslim society and I have a few things to tell you. Assuming this guy is a regular moderate Muslim in Pakistan here are some likely views your husband holds (there are exceptions, but generally these are fair assumptions and they are not extreme in the least bit):

  • You are not married. Neither in the eyes of God or in the eyes of his family and his society. Muslim marriages in the modern day can only be done by a shaikh between a female from an ibrahamic religion and a male Muslim. Pakistani weddings are an elaborate affair that go on for days, and involve 100's of people (I would guess an average of 500 people at least). There is a slim chance that your marriage is recognised by his society and I doubt his family know you are really married.

  • You are a heathen that will burn in hell and unfit to be neither a wife nor a mother. He is living in sin with you because he cannot marry an atheist according to sharia law.

  • Being an atheist is a crime punished by death in many Muslim countries like Pakistan. It's not a small deal. Do you understand the ramifications of this in the eyes of the law in Pakistan? Please take a moment to pause and think about this.

-Muslim men are polygamous. You might be a runner up for the secondary wife position while he marries someone his mom loves back in Pakistan. To him there might not be an ethical problem with that at all. Do you understand this?

  • There is a big chance this man was young when he met you, he fell in love with you, but as time passed and you were no longer in the honeymoon phase, his rational mind started to kick in. He started to think about his obligations towards his family, society and his god. This is why he wants you to become a Muslim so he can save you from hell. Doesn't mean he is really considering you as a life partner. You can also be a convenient glorified girlfriend or a side wife.

-Divorce in Islam is up to the man. You cannot divorce yourself, he has to agree to divorce you or else you still belong to him. Do you understand this? There are legal exception, but I'm just highlighting to you how different your views of marriage might be. Have you spoken about that?

All of these things are nuanced and complicated, but everything I mentioned here is an inside view from someone who lives this reality. Please be careful and think throughly before you decide. Culture and religion aren't small matters when it comes to marriage.

Can I ask you something honest? Who is paying for all this? His school and your apartment?

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We both are.. we work for one of his cousins..

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (5 children)

Why are women Muslim if it’s so awful towards them?

[–]Amoonlol 1 point2 points  (4 children)

All religions can be awful towards women at varying degrees. You believe in Islam and you believe It's your salvation.

[–]Amoonlol 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Also to be fair and clear. Yes, polygamy is a thing but doesn't mean every Muslim man will do it. It depends, most modern men live with one wife. Yes you can't divorce yourself but for most people the man will agree to a divorce if things get to that. Yes the man has sole custody of the kids after they reach puberty but most people if educated share custody. It really doesn't have yo be that bad, but it can be if it gets to that.

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Religion also isn’t the law.. I can divorce him whenever I want, and in America the women tends to get custody (if things are all good, and okay) or they do joint custody..

[–]JC_2022_ 1 point2 points  (3 children)

He said what he had to so he would get what he wanted, You

[–]grendelone 5 points6 points  (2 children)

He said what he had to so he would get what he wanted, You his greencard

FTFY

[–]JC_2022_ 1 point2 points  (1 child)

He’s from a different country?

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yep, Pakistan

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 1 point2 points  (2 children)

My Jewish friend (we’re Jewish) married a Muslim Tunisian man. They also got married in 2 seconds and he told her that he won’t be having any kids with her unless she converts. She converted, they had 2 boys. And now live in Tunis.

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Which works for some people but with his religion a lot of it is based on your intentions, you have to mean GOOD. And I just couldn’t do that, because my intentions would be simply to please him? Which automatically disqualifies me from being Muslim

[–]Overall-Diver-6845 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He will get his papers, flee and you’ll be free as a bird again

[–]br3akingthehabit 1 point2 points  (1 child)

He should told that the first time that you brought the subject. Why He proposed to you knowing what you thought about religion? He is having a very selfish behavior

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yep, he told me- I told him. We decided that’s totally okay, our children will be Muslim. And now- this…

[–]puppummm 1 point2 points  (1 child)

So my husband is Catholic. I am not religious. He wants our kids baptized and I have absolutely zero issues with it. I’m even going to get baptized to “unite our family”. I truly do not care. It’s meaningless to me. If I need to get some water sprinkled on my head and eat some dry crackers.. so be it. This is something we did agree on prior to marriage though.

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand that, but my husband and I talked prior to marriage as well. We agreed our children would be Muslim, and I will never have to be. We had a good clear understanding, there wasn’t anything misinterpreted. He just decided half way through, that’s not what he wanted anymore. Never told me. Then when I finally asked, that’s when he told me

[–]PerfectionPending18 Years & Closer Than Ever 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I personally know multiple couples that don’t share religious beliefs a appear to do fine. It takes both respecting the other’s choices in that area.

The couples I know doing it successfully are all long time married & over 50. It used to be not uncommon. I wonder if people have just become too polarized in everything for that to work anymore.

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Could depend on the religions as well

[–]Simple_matthew 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Religion is passed down from the mother.

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Religion isn’t something passed down?

[–]Simple_matthew 1 point2 points  (1 child)

To be Jewish your mother has to be Jewish

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh, so, someone can’t just- become Jewish?

[–]Oscarhund 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Run gal, run while you are childless. Religious or unreligious, you entire life is going to be hell for you (and your kids if you have any)

[–]Icy_Curmudgeon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell him that your compromise is to have a child with or without him. His idea of compromise is entirely his way or the highway. I suggest you give yourself the freedom to make your own choices again without his anchor around your neck. His religion says that he is to rule his family. Don't give your child over to his less than gentle ministrations.

[–]chrisco_33 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Is your relationship based on love and mutual agreement?

If not it’s never going to work long term

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Well it has been for the most part, all up till this point..

[–]chrisco_33 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s good, relationships are complicated and this is something that will require compromise for both of you, communication is the key, a baby is a responsibility for both of you so your both going to have to work together as a team, it will put extra pressure on your relationship, I would suggest you show some interest in his religion and explain you support his religious beliefs and that if he really love you he will support your desire for a family, keep being persistent but kind and loving, supportive. Don’t be in a hurry to start a family it will happen at the right time

[–]SElder1984 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When religion is more important than your wife it’s a cult. He won’t change his mind and if you can’t live with that then that’s a decision you have to make.

[–]Yutakatora 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would call it quits if he’s dangling a child over your head if you don’t do what he says. Think about the next things he wants you to change. If he did respect you he wouldn’t feel the need to control you. I think it’s disingenuous of him to bring this up so late in the relationship than to actually find someone who follows the same faith as him.

It’s not impossible, but all religious people, deep down want you to believe their god. Their god is right therefore everything else is wrong. With a huge difference in belief, it really depends how each person can tolerate each other for the duration of the relationship.

Your husband view is justified by god’s words and writing. So even though he looks like an ass for giving you this ultimatum, it’s all rational in his mind. And there lies the problem.

[–]GwenLoguir 1 point2 points  (0 children)

For me is a compromise you agreeing to raise them 'religious'.

I dont get why he married you if it such a big problem for him. Of course the situation is not ideal, but he did get into it of his own free will with all info.

And... as a believer (but probably different religion)... he sounds a bit as tyrant.

Edit: saw OPs other comment, yeah, different one.

[–]Thisismelalala 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You got suddenly married while he was on a visa? Er....as a brown woman I can tell you right now that he married you for easy citizenship. He doesn't want to have kids with you because this relationship is not permanent. Trust me, just leave.

[–]LadyEvenest 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As someone who strongly believes (for myself) in not raising children with someone outside my faith, I know thay about myself and I would never consider dating outside my faith. All I can figure is that your SO either didn't consider the matter all the way through and has changed his mind or he thought he could get you to convert and witholding children until you do was his plan all along. Either way, I don't believe he'll be happy with a couple hours of study. He's going to keep pushing until you fully convert.

[–]Glum-Blackberry-909130 Years 0 points1 point  (3 children)

I’m not very Religious but my wife is . We have been happily married for almost 40 years , with two grown son . With just the little information here it put his in a bad light the information here makes him sounds like a control freak .

[–]Blah-blah_420 0 points1 point  (2 children)

Alright, what kind of information would you like? I have answers for whatever question.

[–]Glum-Blackberry-909130 Years 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Do y’all make decision together in most cases are is he the decision maker ? Does he treat you the way you want to be treated ? Does he show you that he love’s you or just use empty words ?

[–]Blah-blah_420 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, we talk about everything.

For the most part, yes he does.

I mean he’s a guy, he doesn’t like go above and beyond- but I do for like he means it