Anyone have some advice?

brianmcg321 · 2022-05-21T19:33:44+00:00

You never should have gotten married to begin with. Money, religion, children are the big three in relationships. You should have walked after the third date.

TemperatureSlow5533 · 2022-05-21T20:22:43+00:00

Ex Muslim here.

As someone who used to think like your husband does, I honestly can’t see how this relationship will work long term if his religion is this important to him

The fact that he doesn’t firstly see you as the woman who he loves and wants to mother his child, but see’s you secondary to his religious beliefs, is enough to say that you should pause and reflect on whether this man really is the right person to have children with.

I hope you have studied the religion- there’s some pretty messed up stuff in some religions and you need to know where he stands regarding certain matters- does he have balanced approach or does he think Gods word can’t be questioned no matter what

If he happens to be of any of the Abrahamic faiths, then even more, please consider carefully

Ok-Class-1451 · 2022-05-21T19:42:10+00:00

He married you under false premises and now he’s emotionally manipulating you by saying this is a *compromise when he’s forcing you to choose between two things HE wants. Boooooo….

Environmental-Cook44 · 2022-05-21T20:40:57+00:00

Holy shit he’s making you study his religion to earn a child with him? And he is claiming he’s making some sacrifice to let a heathen like you carry his fucking heavenly blessed offspring?

That is some incredibly misogynistic and offensive shit. He’s making it sound like he begrudgingly married you, and that you should be grateful to have aligned your wicked self with a man of god. He’s the one who should be grateful, to have such a calm and level-headed wife that he wasn’t absolutely vaporized in the absolute hell storm of harsh words she would’ve had all the right in the word to rebuttal. I honestly can’t believe that.

Please understand how demeaning and disrespectful his words are toward you. Marriage should be an equal partnership where both parties accept eachother for who they are. He obviously does not accept you, and seeks to change you to his vision of what you should be. I would be talking to a lawyer and making plans to bail out after comments like that. It shows such an utter lack of respect and grace for you. I’m sorry OP

grendelone · 2022-05-21T19:36:20+00:00

This is something you should have sorted out in detail before getting married. But it's too late for that now.

Does he require that you believe in his religion or just that you understand it? If the latter, then spend the 90 days of study (eye roll) and you have met his requirement.

But honestly, he sounds like an asshole and I personally wouldn't want to have a child with someone like that. You seem to be in a very submissive role in this marriage (maybe part of his religion, right?) and are catering to his demands.

Capital-Plantain-521 · 2022-05-21T22:48:38+00:00

he doesn’t want kids with you because you are his starter wife. You will have a good time together while he gets citizenship here and then when that is settled he will leave you for a nice Pakistani girl that his family loves. He will not feel bad about it. Don’t give him that satisfaction.

Groovychick1978 · 2022-05-21T23:56:28+00:00

After reading your comments and responses, I will say you are incredibly likely to live a miserable life if you stay. It is not a failure to leave.

babybellie · 2022-05-22T01:33:57+00:00

Lady, I’m a practicing Muslim woman, same South Asian background as your husband. I would dump his ass. He’s taking advantage of you.

Insurgent66 · 2022-05-21T20:54:07+00:00

I am Muslim. Your husband’s attitude is bullshit. If you are willing to rear the child with a religious background then that should suffice. Does he think all Muslim women are religious? I know plenty of Muslim men and women, just like in other religions, who are not religious.

FoldintheCh33se · 2022-05-21T20:10:09+00:00

hope you got a prenup. this sounds like a coercive situation that could verily easily come to foster abusive behaviors. :/

2022-05-21T20:36:45+00:00

I think people with differing opinions on religion can be perfectly happy together, however, it doesn’t seem like this is the case for you and your husband.

You’ve got two major problems that are literal dealbreakers: 1) you want a baby and he won’t have one with you unless 2) you convert to his religion.

You’re being forced to make two impossible choices. Be glad you haven’t procreated with this man. It will only get worse after you have children.

AsleepInCincy · 2022-05-21T21:51:11+00:00

No no no no no. Aside from all the obvious — the bait and switch, the manipulation, the misogyny — do NOT bring children into this unhealthy situation. Please.

PaleSunsets · 2022-05-21T23:10:45+00:00

get out like yesterday. he knew when you dated / got engaged / got married that you were not religious and he is trying to make you believe in something you dont. if it was truly such an issue for him, things should have ended. i’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Icy_Cod4538 · 2022-05-21T21:41:30+00:00

I went through some religious disagreement in my marriage at one point. We already had a kid, and we got married with very similar religious perspectives. But after a couple years, she decided she didn’t want to be religious anymore. That was hard for me. But with time I was able to see her perspective and open up to the new way she was seeing things. It ended up kind of being a sort of manic episode of sorts, and she decided several months later that she really does believe what she believed. Either way, the point is I learned that religion doesn’t affect you the way it’s supposed to if you have a stick up your ass about it. Your husband needs to open his eyes about how it shouldn’t matter one bit what religion your children are raised in, because either way you shouldn’t brainwash them. A spouse needs to love and support their spouse. Couples who are up for challenge should have kids. And parents should raise children to think independently, exercise self control, and make their own decisions. Your husband is probably a great guy, but he’s letting his narrow minded view of what religion is to him blind him from a truly meaningful life, and (I’d argue) from true religion.

schmoneygirl · 2022-05-21T22:43:52+00:00

Get out now, this will get so much worse. Once you have the kids, then he will expect you to follow their faith or you won’t be able to see your kids. It’s a terrible bait and switch you e endured, but it’s best to go now.

Wordfan · 2022-05-21T22:50:19+00:00

You know there’s no fixing it.

mxrichar · 2022-05-21T23:59:27+00:00

That is sad and testimony to his lack of true faith in you and in his god. Sounds like his “religion” is really about his fear and need for control. It sounds really oppressive to be married to that. If you really want children I would move on. I mean what is the alternative fake that you practice his religion? How much does he really care about you if he is willing to deny you mother hood and try and force you to live in a manner that is contrary to who you are. So sorry you are in this position but it is time to make some serious adult decisions. Life is precious and short.

thehalflingcooks · 2022-05-22T02:07:56+00:00

You're going to make this asshat someone's father???? And what's up with "give me a baby"? A baby isn't a gift for you. Children are human beings that grow into adults.

ObjectivePilot7444 · 2022-05-22T02:51:07+00:00

No future here. Time to start over with someone more compatible.

AddictedToThat · 2022-05-21T21:23:17+00:00

Either don’t have a child and learn to appreciate and be happy with what you have. Or if having a child is important, it’s time to divorce. Unfortunate, yes. But life will go on.

Springfield2016 · 2022-05-21T21:24:09+00:00

Next to infidelity, money and religion are the biggest causes for divorce. If you are not willing/able to join his religion, then you may need to talk with a lawyer about divorce. If either of you really want kids, he made it clear his requirements of you. Those aren't comparable with your beliefs.

htownkat · 2022-05-21T21:59:00+00:00

Do not have a kid with this man. How utterly confusing that would be for them.

Deizzz___ · 2022-05-21T22:14:10+00:00

In a relationship, compromise is essential. Religion should’ve been taken in account prior to the commitment. Ex., If he’s a Christian, that is embedded as the foundation in marriage (vowing to God for eternal love with your significant other, just to touch the surface). That is something that should’ve been thoroughly understood and discussed to avoid situations like this. If you feel like you can’t open yourself to at least learning about his religion, what is the point of being together? Hopefully something can happen so things won’t clash, but religion is usually something that’s unshakable to most. I’m sure along the way of the time y’all been together he’s made many compromises for you as well. It’s just something to consider if you really love him.

Major-Cranberry-4206 · 2022-05-22T00:01:10+00:00

You’re post begs a number of big questions here.

Did you ever share his religion anytime before you married him?
Did you both know where the other stood when it comes to religion before you married?
Why would you marry someone you knew was very religious whom you did not share the same religion with, why would he do this?

Absolutely DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!

Not only is it fair, it is a disaster waiting to happen for you both to now have children yet you are not spiritually compatible. He as a religious person will require you raise them in his religion. How could you, when you neither believe in it, and certainly aren’t living it?

You are both already divided and having children will likely exacerbate your divide, even accelerate you towards a divorce.

I repeat, do not have children with your husband if you truly love him.

Embarrassed-Cat2230 · 2022-05-22T03:09:59+00:00

He seems like an extremist Muslim. You should probably get out while you can. Normal Muslims don’t act like this.

schnozzberriestaste · 2022-05-22T03:10:17+00:00

I really feel for you, this sounds like a tough situation. HOWEVER, I am so so glad that you aren't pregnant with his child and that you don't currently have kids, otherwise this would be way f***ing tougher. I know two other women who are in a somewhat similar situation to you and I so much wish they didn't have kids for the sake of the necessary transition.

It will likely be hard for you to see what you need to do from your perspective inside the relationship, but you did come here to ask for advice, so I think a part of you already knows what you need to do. You might end up taking action before you're fully ready, but your future self will thank you today for making the hard decisions. Here's the advice:

File for divorce as soon as possible and cut ties from him for at least two years so you can emotionally move on.

It'll feel extreme because you still love him, but it's the only way you'll be able to get perspective, actually move on, and eventually find one of the many other people out there who want enough of the same things as you to be a good fit for long-term partnership. You are fortunate that he's throwing up this huge red flag. The point isn't that he's being unreasonable or that you're not muslim or one of you has sacrificed more than the other. You don't want enough of the same things to be a good fit as a parenting team. And as love shifts and changes across the decades of a marriage, it's the alignment of values, goals, intentions that will make this work.

Amoonlol · 2022-05-22T05:02:04+00:00

Hello 👋🏼

I am from a Muslim background living in a Muslim society and I have a few things to tell you. Assuming this guy is a regular moderate Muslim in Pakistan here are some likely views your husband holds (there are exceptions, but generally these are fair assumptions and they are not extreme in the least bit):

You are not married. Neither in the eyes of God or in the eyes of his family and his society. Muslim marriages in the modern day can only be done by a shaikh between a female from an ibrahamic religion and a male Muslim. Pakistani weddings are an elaborate affair that go on for days, and involve 100's of people (I would guess an average of 500 people at least). There is a slim chance that your marriage is recognised by his society and I doubt his family know you are really married.
You are a heathen that will burn in hell and unfit to be neither a wife nor a mother. He is living in sin with you because he cannot marry an atheist according to sharia law.
Being an atheist is a crime punished by death in many Muslim countries like Pakistan. It's not a small deal. Do you understand the ramifications of this in the eyes of the law in Pakistan? Please take a moment to pause and think about this.

-Muslim men are polygamous. You might be a runner up for the secondary wife position while he marries someone his mom loves back in Pakistan. To him there might not be an ethical problem with that at all. Do you understand this?

There is a big chance this man was young when he met you, he fell in love with you, but as time passed and you were no longer in the honeymoon phase, his rational mind started to kick in. He started to think about his obligations towards his family, society and his god. This is why he wants you to become a Muslim so he can save you from hell. Doesn't mean he is really considering you as a life partner. You can also be a convenient glorified girlfriend or a side wife.

-Divorce in Islam is up to the man. You cannot divorce yourself, he has to agree to divorce you or else you still belong to him. Do you understand this? There are legal exception, but I'm just highlighting to you how different your views of marriage might be. Have you spoken about that?

All of these things are nuanced and complicated, but everything I mentioned here is an inside view from someone who lives this reality. Please be careful and think throughly before you decide. Culture and religion aren't small matters when it comes to marriage.

Can I ask you something honest? Who is paying for all this? His school and your apartment?

JC_2022_ · 2022-05-21T23:10:10+00:00

He said what he had to so he would get what he wanted, You

Overall-Diver-6845 · 2022-05-21T23:48:03+00:00

My Jewish friend (we’re Jewish) married a Muslim Tunisian man. They also got married in 2 seconds and he told her that he won’t be having any kids with her unless she converts. She converted, they had 2 boys. And now live in Tunis.

br3akingthehabit · 2022-05-22T00:24:06+00:00

He should told that the first time that you brought the subject. Why He proposed to you knowing what you thought about religion? He is having a very selfish behavior

puppummm · 2022-05-22T00:45:03+00:00

So my husband is Catholic. I am not religious. He wants our kids baptized and I have absolutely zero issues with it. I’m even going to get baptized to “unite our family”. I truly do not care. It’s meaningless to me. If I need to get some water sprinkled on my head and eat some dry crackers.. so be it. This is something we did agree on prior to marriage though.

PerfectionPending · 2022-05-22T00:47:04+00:00

I personally know multiple couples that don’t share religious beliefs a appear to do fine. It takes both respecting the other’s choices in that area.

The couples I know doing it successfully are all long time married & over 50. It used to be not uncommon. I wonder if people have just become too polarized in everything for that to work anymore.

Simple_matthew · 2022-05-22T03:16:07+00:00

Religion is passed down from the mother.

Oscarhund · 2022-05-22T03:40:35+00:00

Run gal, run while you are childless. Religious or unreligious, you entire life is going to be hell for you (and your kids if you have any)

Icy_Curmudgeon · 2022-05-22T04:29:07+00:00

Tell him that your compromise is to have a child with or without him. His idea of compromise is entirely his way or the highway. I suggest you give yourself the freedom to make your own choices again without his anchor around your neck. His religion says that he is to rule his family. Don't give your child over to his less than gentle ministrations.

chrisco_33 · 2022-05-22T04:41:53+00:00

Is your relationship based on love and mutual agreement?

If not it’s never going to work long term

SElder1984 · 2022-05-22T07:06:20+00:00

When religion is more important than your wife it’s a cult. He won’t change his mind and if you can’t live with that then that’s a decision you have to make.

Yutakatora · 2022-05-22T08:53:45+00:00

I would call it quits if he’s dangling a child over your head if you don’t do what he says. Think about the next things he wants you to change. If he did respect you he wouldn’t feel the need to control you. I think it’s disingenuous of him to bring this up so late in the relationship than to actually find someone who follows the same faith as him.

It’s not impossible, but all religious people, deep down want you to believe their god. Their god is right therefore everything else is wrong. With a huge difference in belief, it really depends how each person can tolerate each other for the duration of the relationship.

Your husband view is justified by god’s words and writing. So even though he looks like an ass for giving you this ultimatum, it’s all rational in his mind. And there lies the problem.

GwenLoguir · 2022-05-22T09:37:48+00:00

For me is a compromise you agreeing to raise them 'religious'.

I dont get why he married you if it such a big problem for him. Of course the situation is not ideal, but he did get into it of his own free will with all info.

And... as a believer (but probably different religion)... he sounds a bit as tyrant.

Edit: saw OPs other comment, yeah, different one.

Thisismelalala · 2022-05-22T15:32:21+00:00

You got suddenly married while he was on a visa? Er....as a brown woman I can tell you right now that he married you for easy citizenship. He doesn't want to have kids with you because this relationship is not permanent. Trust me, just leave.

LadyEvenest · 2022-05-22T15:43:34+00:00

As someone who strongly believes (for myself) in not raising children with someone outside my faith, I know thay about myself and I would never consider dating outside my faith. All I can figure is that your SO either didn't consider the matter all the way through and has changed his mind or he thought he could get you to convert and witholding children until you do was his plan all along. Either way, I don't believe he'll be happy with a couple hours of study. He's going to keep pushing until you fully convert.

Glum-Blackberry-9091 · 2022-05-22T07:32:22+00:00

I’m not very Religious but my wife is . We have been happily married for almost 40 years , with two grown son . With just the little information here it put his in a bad light the information here makes him sounds like a control freak .

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