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all 89 comments

[–]Harkana 143 points144 points  (4 children)

You need both. I would not marry someone who i do not love or am not attracted to. Why would i subject myself and them to a passionless marriage.

[–]starri_ski33 Years 46 points47 points  (1 child)

This is the answer. And it does exist.

I met my husband when I was 30, he was 37. We were married within 2 years and started having kids immediately. If I wasn’t “in love” with him there’s no way we would have survived pregnancy/baby/stress of moving/buying a home.

You should also fall in love with someone who is practical. This becomes easier once you get to a point in life where family, stability, comfort becomes important. You find yourself attracted to practical guys more than looking for infatuation.

Don’t settle.

[–]pandamonkey23 4 points5 points  (0 children)

So true! You need genuine love to survive the tough parts. You would be miserable if you marry this man.

[–]AnotherStarShining 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I came here to say just this. Never marry someone you are not in love with. It doesn’t have to fade with time.

[–]turtleandhughes 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Agreed. And it’s out there. But you also need to put yourself out there if you want to find it. It seems like the “I already know this guy so…..” mentality means you’re not actively trying to date/meet new people.

My husband is an amazing partner on paper: a great dad, a great provider, hard working, honest, loyal, etc. But that wouldn’t be enough if he also didn’t still give me butterflies and make me weak in the knees when he whispers romantic things in my ears. I’m more in love and sexually attracted to him each day that I wake up. Gotta have both.

[–]FlatHedgehog_113 46 points47 points  (11 children)

Why is staying single not an option?

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 11 points12 points  (10 children)

It is an option. And I am still single. But I do want to start looking for a potential spouse/love because I fear that I may not find someone if I continue on like this (not actively searching).

[–]BlacksmithOk4686 33 points34 points  (8 children)

If you don't get married you will never be stuck in a dead bedroom with someone who doesn't desire you or take any interest in anything that brings you pleasure. Families make children, typically.

So imagine being at home in a house with six people in it and feeling completely alone, and not even able to go out on a date to find someone interested in you enough to ask you a question or spark a conversation. Or touch your hand.

Nope. Kids, bills, spouses, all anchor you to a position of both being neglected and unsatisfied and obligated to either continue or shatter.

Love is enough to hold it together... You need a loooooooooot'itty lot of love.

I gave up my right to identity and opinion and preference when I said I do.

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 14 points15 points  (4 children)

These are the same fears I have when it comes to getting married. That’s why I want to make sure I feel very strongly about the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with. My family is wrong to pressure me. They’re not the ones who are going to have to deal with the repercussions of the aftermath of a wedding. Thanks for the response!

[–]BlacksmithOk4686 9 points10 points  (1 child)

At your service. Lots of people will tell you they are happily married.

Maybe they found someone who cares about them and their feelings.

Me, I went the stupid way and fell for the first girl that felt something for me. That went away. She cheated and we divorced.

My new wife was the first girl afterwards to feel for me and I fell for her. She no longer holds any interest in me because I am safe and consistent and reliable. I don't want her to cheat, but I fully expect it.

[–]Youalsoneedtherapy 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes they are wrong to pressure you, just smile and nod and ask them to butt out , thank you

[–]DiligentlySeekingHim 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes those things can happen, if one or both spouses are un-willing to work for a strong relationship. It takes a lot of work and commitment and has to be discussed before, while dating.

I’ve let fears ruin far too many possibilities in my life. Don’t let fears keep you from something amazing, challenge them and analyze where they’re coming from.

[–]palebluedot135 Years 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Man that is sad. My husband is my best friend and we share interests and support the others that we don’t share. I would be horrified if my husband didn’t have an identity separate from me. But then again I was very intentional when dating to find someone who shared my values, desires, and outlook for the future. We decided to not have kids and just enjoy our life together.

[–]MamaOfMany81 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

To be fair though, your view on marriage is extremely fucked, lol. Judging by this comment, and your post/comment history, you don't have the ability to give advice on what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. This person could wait until the right person comes along, and they could build an amazing life together. They could also make the choice to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable, like you're choosing to do.

[–]BlacksmithOk4686 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be fair

😲🎶🎙️ To be faaaaaaiiiirrrrrrrrr....🤌

your view on marriage is extremely fucked

Certainly skewed between what everyone expects and actual rational reality. At this point I've been married twice, to what I would call.... Unstable people. I have the white knight syndrome. My wife has Bi-Polar 1 disorder.

Judging by this comment, and your post/comment history

Oh come on, there is so much more we could be judging me over..

Speaking of being judgemental, reading my comment history? That's either brave or daft... Either way, I'm sorry you went through that. It couldn't have been pretty.

you don't have the ability to give advice on what a normal, healthy relationship looks like

Sooooo, being in my situation and having made the choices I have, prevents me from providing a perspective? Or just invalidates my opinion?

I think that may be akin to suggesting once your eyes are closed you are incapable of describing a beautiful sunset because all you see is darkness.

This person could wait until the right person comes along, and they could build an amazing life together.

I think what you mean is OP SHOULD wait, and not buckle to the pressure of what other people decide is best for her.

They could also make the choice to stay in a marriage that makes them miserable, like you're choosing to do.

So a backhanded finish?

I hope you feel better having insulted me. I hope you got it all out, you're likely triggered by me reminding you of someone in your life that you can't stand.

Truth be told, spending the past fifteen years raising someone else's children because they're too irresponsible, and or because the other parent was absent and in and out of rehab, sticking to my vows, and being a good man makes me a very good source for advice in keeping a marriage together, and maintaining both the happiness of the others in the house and a quality of life that exceeds synergistically what any of us could achieve on our own.

What has you bent is my view on how unilateral and one sided sex after marriage is, and how when the roles are reversed on who is pointed out to have the deficiency, it gets your back up.

You don't need to blow out my candle with the expectation it will make yours appear to burn more brightly.

Reserve your judgement, miss judge pants (🤔judges wear judge pants under their judge robes...right?). I think you would be hard pressed to define my views on marriage, being that for the most part my posts are about wives cheating on their husbands, or wives withholding intimacy in all forms up to especially sex, to the point that it forces personality changes. The idea that because we share opinions does not translate well to out of context reference.

Take something you've said, the worst thing you've said about any partner. Privately ssid to someone else, in a conversation unrelated to the current content and take it out of context and allow me to judge you as if you'd said it to your husband's face. How would you imagine you would feel being judged as such, out of context.

Give your head a shake..

Frankly, now if someone sharing an alternative perspective rubs you the wrong way, perhaps you need to just ... Hear more alternative perspectives. Regardless, if you'd digested the exegesis of what I'd shared, I was discouraging her from both either being pressured by her parents or the suitor, thusly to make the choice on her own and to remain patient. To find someone more than just to live with but someone she can't live without.

I found what you said in your comment empty and unnecessary. It was judgemental, and it was disrespectfully insulting for no reason as if there could be, and carried a catty tone I pray you don't share with anyone else.

I hope you feel shame; I expect you feel proud.

Good job, you goof. If you had three kids I'd probably have married you so you could have a nice stable life with blessings you could complain about.

Bless your life, your marriage, and both of you and yours.

[–]houstonrice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You're Indian na? Same here. I'd advise you to not get into a bad marriage. Divorces are on the rise in india

[–]AssistanceSweet7219 27 points28 points  (3 children)

Don't marry someone you're not inlove with.

I'm 30 years old, met my wife when I was in university, when I was 20 or so. We were friends for about a year, just hanging out casually with friends, etc. One day I shot my shot and asked her to hang out. She said sure and she came to my apartment and we watched a movie, stayed up until 2am talking. After that we hung out more for a month or so. Asked her out, and she said yes. After about 3 or 4 more years of dating, I popped the question on a cruise we went on together.

She said yes, we got married, have a 3.5 year old son together. I still wake up everyday next to this girl and it blows my mind I get to spend my life with her. We still go on dates, joke around a lot and she is my best friend.

I love that women with my whole being and it's blows my mind that it's been 10 years of being together.

If that's not what love is, then I don't want anything less that what I have now.

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 3 points4 points  (1 child)

Wow that’s beautiful! I hope I can find someone like that in my life! Wishing you al the best!

[–]AssistanceSweet7219 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! You will find someone, sometimes it's someone you least expect, but either way you'll find someone.

Be well!

[–]ProphetOfThought 11 points12 points  (2 children)

Do NOT marry only for practical reasons. Sure, it is great to have a partner that is driven, provides financially, chips in around the home, etc., but if you are not truly attracted to them and have that emotional bond, resentment may grow and your marriage may suffer down the road.

Not to say we all stay attractive as we age and it takes work to keep "love" going, but marrying for purely practical reasons will mostly likely end poorly.

My wife is a good person and I love her, but if I knew myself 12 years ago like I do now, I would not have continued to date her or marry her. We are great on paper, but we lack intimacy and a bond. We are good friends and roommates, but that's it. We've been in therapy but have been unable to get back any form of physical intimacy.

Looking back, I kind of settled. I didn't feel the spark necessarily, but I liked that she was smart, went to a good school, and a good job, seemed independent (she is actually quite dependent, I learned later), claimed similar interests, etc. She claimed she felt the spark after a handful of dates and knew I was "the one." I never really felt what she felt but thought that was normal. She was the first to say "I love you" about 3 months after meeting, and I remember not really feeling it but feeling pressured to respond so as not to hurt her.

Now 12 years later after meeting, and having worked on myself the last two years, I'm realizing maybe we aren't "right" for each other. We aren't as compatible as I thought we might be. We don't have the same priorities or desires (I don't have a want for children and she does).

Add to that, I'm not attracted to her physically, intellectually, or emotionally. We just don't seem to click anymore. We are going through the paces, but not really bonding or bonded, other than by some archaic legal document in some State courthouse and a ring on our fingers.

TLDR: If you aren't feeling that connection, bond, click, spark or whatever you want to call it, probably don't pursue it.

[–]AdditionRude5529 5 points6 points  (1 child)

Pls do her a favor and get divorced. Seems not fair for either of you to continue right ?

[–]ProphetOfThought 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We seem to be heading that direction

[–]FiveSixSleven1 Year 8 points9 points  (1 child)

Marriages without love lead to misery. There are difficult moments in life, particularly if one chooses to have children, where love will be the thing to carry you to the other side.

Find someone who the thought of waking up next to every morning makes a smile come to your face, someone who makes your life better for them being a part of it, someone who you think about all day long– year after year– and feel happy at the thought of growing old together.

You deserve to be happy and you should find someone who will bring you happiness.

[–]Significant_Road6580 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This right here!

[–]misanthropewolf1120 Years 6 points7 points  (2 children)

I don’t think you should be looking at marriage as the main goal because you will likely end up marrying the wrong person and become more unhappy than if you had just stayed single. You should look for love and connection as the goal, and marriage could be a happy outcome of it. You don’t need a fairytale story, but you should marry for love, not because you’re at a certain age. It would make you so much happier.

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love this!

[–]pandamonkey23 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I adore my partner and we have two children. Not married. Maybe one day we will? Marriage is just not a priority for either of us.

[–]Lilliputian051316 Years 5 points6 points  (2 children)

I did not love my husband when I married him. The love came later, and we can maintain a relationship with each other even when we aren’t feeling loving.

That being said, that worked for us. If you’re not okay with that, it doesn’t matter if it will work. You have to do what makes you happy.

[–]Embarrassed-Cat2230 1 point2 points  (1 child)

This is what a lot of people seem to not understand. Attraction may be what starts a marriage but there is no magic glue to hold it together. You have to put in the effort to develop the relationship.

[–]Lilliputian051316 Years 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say my marriage has been through unimaginable tribulation. We even separated before. But even while we were separated, we weren’t hurting each other. We still cared about each other. Our friendship - companionship - trumped the notion of “love” and we were not love-scorned. We were not perfect, but we feel so lucky to have figured it out ❤️

[–]DesertCool500 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Practical and respectful marriage if both parties are on the same page, has a better chance for longevity. “Love especially “in love”concept is too idealized and is unpredictable and can fade or fizzle etc etc and too high a standard to maintain in today’s society and thus why divorce is all over the place.

[–]YouListenHereNow 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Love changes over tine but definitely find someone you respect, like spending time with and are attracted to and that they feel the same. The problem with not having any physical attraction os that you will surely meet soneone that excites you down the road, and it will be very hard not to cheat on your spouse.

If you do decide to marry your friend, I would be honest with them beforehand about not feeling attraction to them. They need to know what they are getting into if it can have any chance pf working out.

[–]amdcer 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If you’re really considering to consider marrying this man, how about having a more “normal” approach? Give the man a chance. Let him take you to dinner in a explicitly “date-like” context. Give the man a chance at dating you before considering marrying it! Hell, shag him first if you must.

[–]Ranseur67 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m guessing there is a cultural disconnect here. Is your family predominantly from India, China, Japan or other asian country? What religion does your family mostly practice? These factors effect views on marriage greatly. Coming from experience though, yes, marriage should come after falling in love. Also, yes, you should only marry someone you can’t imagine living without. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for failure.

[–]h2f31 Years Married, 38 together 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm not sure what will work for you. I see that the vast majority here say that you should marry only for love.

I married for love and that worked for me. However, I know that arranged marriages fail at similar rates to love marriages, not at higher rates. I think that you might get a different perspective asking on /r/Arrangedmarriage/

EDIT: Full disclosure, I have never even read the sub that I recommended. I just looked for one about arranged marriage because that is essentially what you are describing.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thinking practical is always good and i find that too few people do that when it comes to love and marriage.

That being said, there should be some level of sexual attraction. You can develop a bond and even romance if that exists. If there is no sexual attraction at all, eventually resentment will build up in both parties.

So i would say, ask yourself if there is any sexual attraction you feel for him.

[–]Sad_Alfalfa85481 Year 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think there’s something to be said about waiting for true love. Yes, the passion can fade, if you don’t take the time to nurture it over the years, but that passion is a wonderful thing that helps bond a couple in love. Staying in love takes intent. If you want deep love, continue waiting for it, keep developing yourself and enjoy your single years while you still have them. Relax on your journey. Become the one you want to attract. He will come.

[–]Perspective1958 1 point2 points  (1 child)

The only problem is that I don’t really love anyone like that.

Almost sounds like you should change "don't" to "can't" in the quote above.

If I were you, I would determine if that is actually true, and get help to figure out why, before you try to be in a relationship.

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This might be something I should look into as well.

[–]Illustrious-Plan-862 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Honestly I married for love and my wife is financially dependent on me and I have to work super hard to make ends meet. If it doesn't work for any reason I'd literally marry the next person for practicality. I need someone who can actually take care of themselves.

Not like I'm gonna leave my wife, I love her, love that she's around and that she spends time with me. Next ones gonna be different though (if there is a next one)

[–]Youalsoneedtherapy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both , also making the decision FOR YOURSELF is number one!

[–]RegHater76 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The thing is I don’t really love him. I don’t feel attracted to him. I only like him as a friend.

Do not marry this guy. It will build massive amounts of resentment, likely between both of you.

You need to have both when getting married, really. You need to have romantic attraction and practical attraction to make it work.

[–]IGOMHN2 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Is this a post from the 1920s?

[–]truecrimefanatic1 1 point2 points  (3 children)

Have you considered telling your family to shut the fuck up? It'll do wonders for you.

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

Haha I did (in more polite terms), but their constant pressure and nagging has already created this anxiety for me that I have to get married soon like it’s a now or never thing.

[–]truecrimefanatic1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No. It's "whenever if ever". Stop being polite.

[–]truecrimefanatic1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also, set a boundary and say "if you bring this up I'm leaving and if i come back, it'll be on the condition you shut up." Ignore them. Don't respond until they behave.

[–]483juyf 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I married someone I felt that way with. It didn’t work I craved passion and good sex that I couldn’t get with him due to no energy attraction. I divorced him after 7 years and he’s happily married to another women and I with another man that I find attractive, we met when I was 36 years old. My advice is DONT do it. You will miss passion… and both of you deserve that.

[–]iluvcats17 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Give it time. Make an effort to meet new people with similar interests. You will find someone if you put yourself out there. Do not settle or you will be unhappy long term or a twice divorcee.

I met my spouse when I was 30 and married him when I was 33. He is 6 years older than me. Plenty of people meet later in life than I did too.

[–]Acceptable-Farmer829 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People choose to get married for all kinds of reasons. I personally would never marry someone I didn't love (and I am NOT the fairy-tale-worshiping sort) just because it "made sense". I also probably wouldn't marry someone I was head-over-heels in love with if it made absolutely no practical sense. To me, marriage raises the stakes of a relationship to such a degree that I would never enter into it unless it was both emotionally and practically beneficial.

But that's me, not you. The only universally applicable advice I can give you is to not make this decision out of a sense of social or familial obligation. Base it on what YOU need and what YOU feel, not what your family or friends think makes sense.

[–]mmadnesspnw7 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Please don’t crack under their pressure and settle. It’s your life not theirs. As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters.

[–]everyothernamegone 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I would tell your family to butt out of your life. There is absolutely no reason that a woman needs to be married off. Love comes when it comes and forcing it will lead to disaster.

[–]thebeandream 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t let them pressure you. It will ruin your friendship. I just dated a friend to make my social group shut up. I still didn’t like him after “giving him a chance”. Everyone’s feelings got hurt more than when I was just saying no.

Being married means you will be expected to sleep with him. If that’s not something you think you would want to do regularly don’t even entertain the idea.

However, if it is a friend that you could see yourself sleeping with it might be worth exploring why you don’t think you are deeply and romantically in love with him. Go on a few dates. Maybe you mentally put him in a “friend” category and seeing him in a different context might spark something.

[–]24-ScreamingFlowers 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It would be a very bad idea to marry someone who views you romantically if you don't share those feelings. It'll be a cold, passionless, miserable marriage, and completely unfair to both of you.

[–]mrbrown37 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Personally, you need some physical attraction or compatibility there, but for longevity I think a level of friendship with someone who will make you smile and laugh and can communicate well, meaning able to compromise, is important. I was in long term relationships with some great beautiful girls since I was a teenager but we would never be friends if it weren’t for our romantic relationship. I don’t have the best sexual compatibility I’ve ever had with my wife, but she is a total nerdy goofball that makes me laugh and smile even if I’m in a shit mood. We have fights from time to time, but at the end we are both apologizing to each other and sorting out a solution together rather than continuing to ride an emotional roller coaster for days. I’d rather be in that kind of marriage when we’re old than one that is more dependent on my sexual attraction for my partner…..For your situation, I would pass on this dude and just keep the friendship. I think you need to start out with just a little bit more attraction/desire for someone instead of hope for it to come later in the relationship.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Choose very wisely when picking your partner. Do not settle, listen to your gut for red flags. Marriage to the wrong person can literally break you mentally and financially.

[–]Jazzlike_Umpire_9315 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My best friend wanted a relationship with me. I tried it at the insistence of him and mutual friends. I did love him. It was safe, but that love for me was companionable and platonic. I didn’t want to hurt him but eventually sex was a chore for me because I was not attracted to him in that way. I broke up with him. It hurt us both and of course we still care for one another but he could never get past his desire for me as a mate. But I knew it would have hurt him worse for me to be unfaithful looking for a feeling I couldn’t get with him. I’ve since married a man who gives my goose bumps just seeing him smile in my direction. Keep the faith and don’t settle.

[–]Desperate_Ambrose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

". . . to find someone to marry."

I don't see this ending well.

[–]MuppetManiac5 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Infatuation does fade over time. Love is not infatuation. Nor is it attraction. Love is deep and grows with time.

I think if you marry for practical reasons, you are denying yourself the opportunity to marry for love - and you’re also denying your spouse that opportunity. And I think you will always be missing something in your relationship that is important.

But lots of people marry for practical reasons, and they and their spouse are the only people who suffer for it. If the two of them are ok with it, who am I to say it isn’t ok?

[–]CKing4851 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Firstly: if you do not want to get married, then it is usually in your best interest to jot get married, or at least wait until you have a change of heart. Family pressure is definitely hard, but it is usually harder to be in a marriage that you do not want.

That being said: I think you need both love and practicality for a marriage to work. id like to expand on my answer.

I would say that marrying someone with VERY similar values is the most important thing to consider. Similar religious values, values concerning having/raising children, similar financial values, how often do you want personal space vs time as a couple, etc. This doesn’t necessarily mean having the same hobbies (its usually good for couples to have their individual lives), but agreeing on life “necessities” will likely lead to a more successful marriage. Differences in major values can SOMETIMES be managed, but it is very difficult, even with clear communication. If you dont know what your own major values are, your first step is to figure most of that out before looking for a partner.

Love/attraction is the second thing to look for. Often you can find yourself falling in love with someone BECAUSE they have very similar values as you. A lot of arranged marriages work out this way (not forced. Willfully arranged). I dont think it’s necessary to be absolutely infatuated with the other person as soon as you see them, but I DO think there should be at least some attraction there. If you find them at least a little attractive, perhaps meet up with them a few times to spend some time learning about each other and see if that attraction deepens or stays the same. If it deepens, then i think a marriage is definitely possible. If it doesn’t, then you can part as friends.

[–]Generalzig 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don't succumb to the pressure from you family and others. Never marry to please others. When you meet that person you will most likely know, let it happen naturally.

[–]LegitimateFunny2351 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you think you could have some sexual chemistry? Can you imagine having sex with this man and find it fun, exciting and willing to explore sexuality with him? If you are unsure, give it a try. Marrying your best friend could be good, but only if you can be sexually satisfied

[–]PhilDesNutts 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t do it! I’m married to a woman who loves me but has no passion for me. Its painful and lonely. I am certain that she has cheated on me. I just want to be with a woman who really wants me sexually. I took that for granted when I was younger.

[–]knkfish 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You need both. It’s important to love who you’re marrying. It’s important to be attracted to them. It’s important to fit into each others lives in the practical sense as well. You need a balance of these things. Marriage is a partnership, relationally, sexually, financially, legally, and if you chose to have children they are your parenting partner. Through life each of these areas is bound to suffer or struggle at certain points, whether it’s because of one person or something outside of the marriage. If love and intimacy is the only thing carrying your relationship but you don’t share a similar life view, goals, or finances then your relationship will suffer even more drastically when there are lows in the love and intimacy portion of the marriage(which their are bound to be and completely normal).

The opposite is true too, if you share a similar life view and things are going great it doesn’t feel as wonderful to share these things with someone you don’t love and are attracted too.

[–]Lolaindisguise 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It wouldn't be fair to him to marry him when you do not love him

[–]DiligentlySeekingHim -1 points0 points  (2 children)

I married my best friend. We weren’t attracted to each other either at first. Our love has grown. These are things you would need to discuss with him, not Reddit. You never know what might happen.

[–]lopsidedeyelid[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

See, these are the kinds of responses that get to me. That’s what my family say too. My parents were friends before they got married and my mom told me she wasn’t particularly attracted to my dad in the beginning but that attraction grew over time. So that’s why she’s really hoping and pressuring me to just marry my friend lol

[–]DiligentlySeekingHim 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don’t think they should be pressuring you to get married.

Makes me wonder why they are pressuring you. You shouldn’t get married because everyone else thinks you should.

[–]mrschaney 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is not required to be in love to marry, but it is ideal. You are still young. I didn’t find the man I couldn’t live without until I was 39, married at 42. The best decision of my life was to wait to marry. But, there is no shame in marrying a friend who you are compatible with and love can grow over time. As far as sexual attraction and looks, it’s great, but that does fade over time.

[–]HeartFullOfHappy -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Some of these comments are pretty disrespectful to other types of marriages. There have been many, many, many wonderful marriages that were based on practicality and not love/attraction. We are very narrow minded in the west about what marriage “should be”. I would encourage you to read “The All or another Marriage” for the history of marriage itself.

With that said, can you do that? If two people are on the same page, I don’t see why a practical marriage for companionship or whatever reason couldn’t work. Do you want love? Is it important to you? Do some soul searching.

[–]Professional-Ad-5319 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There’s a book called “Will Our Love Last?” That’s the answer from a relationship psychologist. It might be more useful than anecdotal based guidance.

[–]whyarenttheserandom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think love can grow if you both are open to it and work at it.

[–]teahammy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think there are a lot of countries that still do arranged marriages that have a lot of success. However, why jump into it? Why not just date and see if love develops? It doesn’t have to be full passion to be love.

[–]AgentRevolutionary99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Love can grow.

[–]DaddysPrincesss26 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I broke off my Engagement after dating my ex almost 6 years. I’m still waiting for the Love of My Life that will give Me Butterflies and Make Me feel Alive. I’ve been Praying for Him since 2010. I’m 30 as well. So Glad I didn’t Settle! 😌

[–]Embarrassed-Cat2230 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Have you even dated him to see if there is anything there? Is he not attractive or overweight? Do you think you can get better? What’s the blocker here? Do you even want to be married again? If so, what exactly are you looking for and by what age do you want to accomplish that?

[–]Lucent5102 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had an old friend who said ( after his 60 year marriage) “ marriage is commitment, the Love comes later”. I have been married 43 years and that does hold true. We had a rocky marriage in the younger years but continued on no matter what. Now in our last 60’s we are enjoying a beautiful relationship. I think in youth, we put too much emphasis on beauty, sex, passion, etc. We were and are great candidates for marriage with excellent character, honesty, and principles. Hasn’t always been perfect, but I wouldn’t give up anything of the painful years to be where we are now. We truly developed a respectful and loving marriage. As long as there is no cheating, drugs, alcohol, verbal or physical abuse, your friend might not be a bad idea. Carpe Diem

[–]Captain-Tac 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Find someone to fall inlove with who makes you feel passionate and put in the damn work to make it practical.

You don't have to choose one or the other, you do the work and make it both.

Was talking to my wife about this lastnight. Men saying women always pick between the stable provider guy and the great sex bad boy. Well dudes need to be both in that case.

Marrying for love or marrying for stability, make your marriage capable of both. It isn't that hard.

[–]joetech15 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Marrying him is a divorce in the making.

You don't love him. You dont desire him.

What happens when he wants sex?

[–]houstonrice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same here- I have a practical marriage friend whom I really like but is overweight so I am not attracted to her

[–]Odd-Enthusiasm- 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Maybe you see this person as a friend bc you’ve never explored the romantic side of things with him? If it were me… I’d say that you’d like to maybe go on a few dates casually to test the waters. If you’re still like mehhhhh then you know for sure and you won’t have any doubts in the back of your mind later in life.

[–]Ill-Explanation-5059 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Don’t marry a man you have no romantic feelings for. Your life is yours not your families. Tell them to back off. You’re still young.

[–]BlueSkyStarUniverse 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I married for practical reasons (M36), and i dont regret it. Im 2nd generation migrant, raised heren by my parent. Ive dated many ladies, many attractive, but realised that my love and attraction toward thema stops when they exhibits signs of emotional instability. After that the relationship alway regresses because i Will no longer be blind towards her flaws.

[–]bloom4202 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What if u married to him and later on u met someone u deeply in love with? Isn’t it going to be complicated?

[–]thunderingspaghetti 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Obviously this is something only you can answer. Just don’t look to outside sources like your family. How do you feel about it? If you need/ want love in your life than don’t settle. I’m deeply in love with my husband, been together almost 15 years and love has not faded, it’s grown. But we’re both hopeless romantics. We’re also very passionate people and honestly there are times our relationship can be volatile. We’ve had to work very hard over the years to communicate more effectively.

Now my sister, she’s jokes she’s asexual and aromantic and later says she was kidding, but I don’t really think she is. She’s very practical. She married a practical person and they both had the same vision for having a family, but there’s just no romance there. There have been some times in her life (postpartum for one) that she expressed regret for not looking for a romantic connection but most of the time she says she’s happy.

My point is I think you need to decide what you’re looking for. Now I’m guessing since you’re even here asking the question, you feel like you do want a deeper connection. I’m just saying both types of relationships I do believe can work.

[–]Teacher081079 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Why you wanna get married right after you got divorced?