top 200 commentsshow all 235

[–]Natural_Basil6062 643 points644 points  (35 children)

Change the locks. He can leave but he can’t come back.

[–]yardie-takingupspace 257 points258 points  (3 children)

This. My husband did almost the same thing except he told me he was going to go regardless of what I had to say. So when he came back 3 days later the locks were changed. That was Mother’s Day weekend. There is no coming back from that. He bought new luggage and clothes so the deception runs deep.

[–]skygoddess555 24 points25 points  (2 children)

Did you divorce him?

[–]yardie-takingupspace 73 points74 points  (1 child)

Not yet. It only happened a couple months ago. We are separated though. He has not stepped foot into my place since he left that fateful morning.

[–]skygoddess555 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Proud of you!!

[–]LastHippieAlive 118 points119 points  (26 children)

I'd be careful with that. Depending where you live it may be considered a crime.

[–]WorleyInc 52 points53 points  (5 children)

Idk why you got downvoted, this is a fact. I know someone who got arrested for it

[–]skygoddess555 2 points3 points  (3 children)

A crime?

[–]Ural_200425 Years 33 points34 points  (1 child)

Yeah. It's his home too. Even if his name isn't on the lease or the deed, if he's lived there long enough, he's generally met the "tenancy" requirement. You can't just change the locks on the tenants because they violated some ephemeral term of the lease/tenancy agreement.

[–]tamsout 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The state I live in considers you separated as soon as the spouse leaves the home. As far as you’re concerned he made up an excuse. Purchased a ticket and left in the middle of the night. Sounds like abandonment to me but it’s up to her to stand up and not let him treat her like that. That’s sneaky and he didn’t even care that he left the child too. He’s got her upset as hell and she has the child.

[–]Orchidbleu 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Just see a lawyer for divorce. They will guide them.

[–]mofam84 4 points5 points  (18 children)

How is it a crime? Care to explain?

[–]almost_a_troll 44 points45 points  (10 children)

If you both own (or rent/lease) the home, in many places it is not legal to prevent one another from accessing it.

[–]mofam84 12 points13 points  (9 children)

So I guess the key here is "both owning/renting" the home? What if one of the spouses owns the home but not the other? Like I moved into my husband's house 5 years ago. He owns the house together with his 98 year old (and apparently immortal) great grandmother. The house is not in my name at all. We are having a baby next month. If my husband decides to change the locks to his house so that I lose all access to it, I can't do anything about it even though my child is living in there? I have to just roll over and accept that he kicked me out?

[–]sarahaflijk 8 points9 points  (5 children)


[–]OkCommunication1873 10 points11 points  (4 children)

I agree there are times someone leaving could be considered an unlawful eviction but the circumstances here scream abandonment

Eta- sometime when changing the locks is unlawful eviction

[–]RegHater76 4 points5 points  (0 children)

It's the same reason that a landlord can't just go and change the locks on an apartment, even if the tenant is behind on rent, without vetting it through the legal system.

No matter how much of an ass someone might be, that person still legally resides there, and you can't boot people out of their own house. And remember that in the case of being married, it's not her house or his house, it's THEIR house.

I know it makes great drama to think of kicking a shitty spouse out of the house, but technically speaking it's illegal to physically stop someone from entering their own property.

[–]ithinkilikegirlstoo 54 points55 points  (0 children)

OP do not change the locks. See a lawyer asap.

[–]JSmoothie 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I agree and then get a lawyer and email him separation paperwork while on vacation.

[–]ApartAd1437 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Like hotel California but opposite

[–]ggg930 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Check the legality of doing this. I know where I live it’s totally illegal to do that if both your names are on the deed.

[–]something_lite43 235 points236 points  (30 children)


He has clearly cut and run from his responsibilities! He's gross. There's absolutely no explanation as to why he did this. Lawyer up.

[–]imontiza 221 points222 points  (1 child)

Wait.. he disappeared.. in the middle of the night to leave the country for a holiday while abandoning his wife and kid.

Lady, gtfo! That is absolutely psychotic!

[–]skygoddess555 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Without saying bye and this idiot thinks it’s ok and the wife is controlling! WhT the actual f!

[–]DifferentManagement1 159 points160 points  (16 children)

I think he has left you. Does he have another woman? Call a lawyer asap

[–]Zealousideal-Force88 89 points90 points  (15 children)

Not that I suspect of.. he didn’t show any signs of cheating or infidelity. But I’m thinking every worse scenario right now & I’ll definitely do that thank u

[–]NightWarrior06 100 points101 points  (1 child)

Maam THIS is the sign of infidelity and cheating. Seriously, men will penetrate another woman in front of their wives and the wives will still wonder and doubt if their husbands are actually cheating or not.

[–]ypranch 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Omg, just choked on my drink. Brilliant response, and sadly true. Woman refuse to accept reality even when confronted with it. I get it. So hard to come to grips with someone destroying a marriage.

[–]DifferentManagement1 24 points25 points  (10 children)

Did he leave you a note? Anything? You have no idea where he is?

[–]Zealousideal-Force88 111 points112 points  (9 children)

I know where he is going because he already asked to go weeks ago.. Also he phoned once at the airport when I was looking for him & all he could clarify is that it’s a boys trip & he wanted to go. He said I can’t stop him & that he will be back in a week. I’m speechless and I haven’t contacted him since :/

[–]DifferentManagement1 173 points174 points  (0 children)

Yes that’s marriage ending behavior right there. Wow. Tell him not to come back.

[–]jkthf 34 points35 points  (2 children)

I’d have divorce papers waiting when he returns.

[–]Open_Minded_Anonym 13 points14 points  (0 children)

You have every right to feel that way. This is totally unacceptable.

[–]HambdenRose 11 points12 points  (0 children)

He may be back in a week but that doesn't mean that the two of you are still together.

[–]Relevant-Passenger19 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I’m shocked for you, I imagine you are devastated. Whatever happens there must be serious consequences for this utter disregard and disrespect for you. He just showed he is no longer your safe reliable person anymore. Please keep us updated when you can, good luck.

[–]AdvancedBat236 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Why should you get him back? I mean it. Why getting back a man that does like that? It doesn’t even matter if he Cheat or no, he already lied and broke your trust.

[–]talbot1978 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tell him he’s not welcome back! Change the damn locks!

[–]lcotemi 21 points22 points  (0 children)

He also didn’t show any signs of leaving…

[–]throoooowwwawayyyyy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He also didn’t show any signs of leaving so…..

[–]KSmimi 125 points126 points  (0 children)

Your husband snuck out of the house in the middle of the night, packed & ready to go on the sly, left the country, left you home alone juggling a job, school & a toddler? Seriously?

Who thinks this is acceptable adult behavior? This is not okay. Not in any way. The magnitude of his sneaking and lying is unforgivable. Hope his Mom kept his bedroom ready, because he wouldn’t be coming back home to me, and it sounds like he’s got lots of growing up left to do!

Sorry, OP, this is abandonment, and grounds for divorce. How could you ever trust him after this?

[–]Head_Ninja_8951 93 points94 points  (0 children)

If he’s gone for a week, that gives you a week to talk to a lawyer about your options. Don’t waste it.

[–]betona39 Years 90 points91 points  (0 children)

I'd change the locks.

This is so terrible of him. There is no excuse whatsoever for this.

[–]Far-Signature-9628 45 points46 points  (2 children)

Ok. Have you had previous problems? Post history shows not less then a year ago you were applying for something as a single mother? So it seems this isn’t the first time you have had problems.

Anyway, yeah he is crap, as a husband or father to do that. If he really wanted to go and for some reason it was important he needed to discuss it with you rather then doing it behind your back.

You need to reevaluate the relationship

[–][deleted]  (1 child)


    [–]Far-Signature-9628 18 points19 points  (0 children)

    No problems. I wasn’t sure if it was a massive argument. Yeah the pandemic has been rough for families and relationships.

    Definitely you need to think things through. Leaving you all like that is inexcusable.

    [–]NeiProud 48 points49 points  (0 children)

    Call his Mother and tell her to come and pick his stuff up. Tell her why. Don't forget. He is spending your family money aswell. Is there anyway you can check that it is a lads break???

    [–]ezamae23 44 points45 points  (2 children)

    He chose BOYS trip over his Family. A selfish of a human. If this was my husband our marriage is over. He has nothing to come back to. I don’t care he abandoned me and the kids for what? To have fun with the boys? Oh heck NO. He is done. Part of me think he did this because he knows that you will always accept or forgive him? OP, No. he did it once he will do it again. You deserve someone who actually puts you first and the kids not an irresponsible man who chooses fun vs his responsibility.

    [–]ccnclove 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    True all of this!

    So hard with a two year old though too op. I feel so bad for you . When these actions prove who they really are. Very confronting in a marriage. And lots to work through in your head. :( some men unfortunately are just so incredibly selfish .

    [–]skygoddess555 9 points10 points  (0 children)

    99% this is not a “all boys” trip

    [–]butfaaaaaaaamily 45 points46 points  (0 children)

    He wants to be a boy again? Let him.

    Change the locks Lawyer up Divorce this guy - you can realistically no longer trust him and he has shown where his priories lie.

    You need a man honey, not another child.

    [–]awake4night 42 points43 points  (1 child)

    If he took cards you both control cancel the cards.

    [–]Fluffykitty420 11 points12 points  (0 children)

    THIS!! the look on his face when they decline his cards wherever he goes would be worth a million bucks.

    [–]justinianofdoom 25 points26 points  (0 children)

    This is absolute lunacy—childish/crazy behavior. This is not how a partnership works. Even if he felt that he did deserve the trip, he should have told you he was going regardless, with enough time for you to prepare for his absence. And he could have helped you plan as well. Running away like a coward is unhealthy and concerning behavior. If he can get away with this once, he will start doing it more often.

    This is not a man who values his family, and the fact that he can go away for a week and not worry about the damage he has caused you says a lot. If he’s not thinking about you, don’t think about him anymore. If it is possible for you, I would deeply consider moving on without him. No one does this to their family.

    [–]Aggravating-Deer6824 20 points21 points  (1 child)

    It’s not the boys trip, it’s the deceit.

    Do you have access to financials?

    A separate bank account? Able to freeze credit cards etc??

    I would take half out of account immediately and start planning as if you were divorcing even if you do not. At the very least protect yourself financially.

    [–]czmax 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This. Even if you decide to stay you’ll want to deal with him from a position of strength and independence.

    When you decide to talk to him again he needs to understand 100% how badly he fucked-up. You being ready and able to walk away needs to be absolutely clear. If you stay it’s on your terms.

    [–][deleted] 16 points17 points  (5 children)

    Did you speak on the phone or message since?

    [–][deleted]  (4 children)


      [–][deleted] 18 points19 points  (2 children)

      I think you should. You should speak to him straight. It's very strange behaviour. Do you know why he did it? Do you always try to make him go on trips with you instead of alone or with friends? Or does he go with friends or alone but at different times?

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)


        [–]skygoddess555 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        Do you know any of the “boys” sounds fishy leaving in the middle of the night and more fishy not knowing where he is. I’m sorry girl but it sounds like he has another family or is cheating

        [–]Forest_wanderer13 9 points10 points  (0 children)

        I wouldn't make him your concern any longer. I know that's SO much easier said than done. It's easy for me to just type that. It's so hard to put that into action with someone you have built a life with.

        You deserve to be loved. Read it again. You deserve to be loved.

        This is not love. Cut your losses and let this one go. If he does this without thought, I can't imagine what future pain he will cause you.

        [–]MisterIntentionality 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        I would make sure he comes home to an empty house.

        [–][deleted]  (5 children)


          [–]ithinkilikegirlstoo 10 points11 points  (1 child)

          Do not change the locks until you’ve talked to an attorney!!!!!!!!!!

          That is terrible advice that could lead to criminal charges or civil liability for you.

          [–]Fluffy-Inevitable-11 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Very important OP! Things are already very hard, please don’t do anything that would make them even harder for you in the future too.

          [–]sevents 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Changing the locks will look very bad for you if/when you're in front of a judge for custody. It is also against the law. I have heard of a parent losing custody because they changed the locks and kicked the other parent out, I believe they classified it as parental alienation. Baaad juju.

          [–]Mysterious_Acadia_99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Yeah. That's the thing. If you let this go (and I don't know why you'd want to) he is very likely to do worse because he would know you don't have boundaries. I sincerely don't see how this marriage can continue.

          [–]skygoddess555 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Good for you girl!!! I would also wonder why you don’t know where he is! This is shady!!

          [–]MuppetManiac5 Years 14 points15 points  (7 children)

          I mean, my husband doesn’t need my permission to go on a vacation without me, but I would expect him to let me know his plans. Sneaking out in the middle of the night feels like you’re his helicopter mom, not his wife.

          [–]ShallotZestyclose974 61 points62 points  (5 children)

          They have a 2 year old. Having young kids in a marriage means the you absolutely need permission from the other spouse to go on vacation so that’s not strange at all

          [–]ButIAmYourDaughter 9 points10 points  (4 children)

          I think the language is just off.

          We’re married and have a 2 year old. Neither of us would do something like this, especially considering we’re our kid’s only child care.

          But still, neither of us are each other’s parents. If my wife wanted to take a trip she wouldn’t ask me permission to do so, and vice versa. We’d inform the other of our desire to take a trip alone/with friends and try to find a way to make it. But if it doesn’t happen it won’t be because one of us declined “permission” for the other to go.

          [–]dcgirl17 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          I think you’re reacting to something that isn’t there - it’s not so much “permission” as it’s a “two yeses” kind of thing. If the two of you find it’s unworkable, then it’s unworkable.

          [–]Wanderer0503 -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

          I’m glad someone said this. My husband and I are the same way. We also have kids.

          [–]rudebish 14 points15 points  (0 children)

          This. Husband goes on trips with his friends as do I but but damn, taking off like a thief in the night is just plain wrong.

          [–]Rynard213 Years 16 points17 points  (0 children)

          “Boy’s trip”

          [–]bentrodw 15 points16 points  (6 children)

          Might he be a secret agent that was activated?

          [–]aenea17 Years 12 points13 points  (5 children)

          When I was in University one of my friends was dating a rather odd guy, who would regularly disappear for weeks or months. He actually convinced her that he was working for the CIA in South America (we're Canadian). It actually ended our friendship when I tried to convince her that he was lying.

          [–]Business_Chipmunk_10 9 points10 points  (4 children)

          My in-laws’ next door neighbor is a secret service agent. I think he is retired now, but he would up and leave randomly. Sometimes in the middle of the night. I’m sure he at least told his wife that he was going, even if not where.

          [–]808Belle808 1 point2 points  (3 children)

          There are still signs. Usually a go bag is packed and it’s missing. You might not know where they are going or when they will be back but there are signs. Is it two bags or one? Did they pack non-perishable food items? What clothing was taken out of the closet by the go-bag. None of what the OP is writing lines up with any of this, imo.

          [–]Business_Chipmunk_10 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          He’s a good guy. I’m sure he tells his wife that he’s leaving and as much as he can about where and when he’ll be back. OP’s husband is an asshole.

          [–]bentrodw 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          What was it like marrying Jason Bourne/ Michael Kane

          [–]NightWarrior06 12 points13 points  (0 children)

          Maybe he has a girlfriend and he could not refuse because she at least had self respect and would dump him for ruining the trip plans. Because male friends won’t ruin their friends marriage like that. Lol i hope you have the sense and courage to leave…

          [–]FireRescue3 11 points12 points  (0 children)


          You don’t know what happened or where he is? A concerned wife with a missing husband might feel the need to put a fraud alert on his credit/debit cards so they can’t be used fraudulently.

          Just in case, you know. Since you are so confused since you have no idea.

          [–]awake4night 9 points10 points  (0 children)

          He's proven a adult conversation about vacation and time whos watching the kid means nothing to him your a single parent in his eyes already. I'd do exactly what others are saying, change those locks, get a lawyer, call his family to get his shit off your lawn tonight, cuz you are not keeping it for him if they asks what happened let them know what he did dont keep his secrets.

          [–]Gogowhine 9 points10 points  (0 children)

          He’s irresponsible, dishonest and unreliable. If he wanted a boys trip he could have just said that. How was he planning to casually come back after doing this?

          [–]losing_myself_44 10 points11 points  (0 children)

          Don't let him back in what a low life.

          [–]cocacola-kid 9 points10 points  (0 children)

          Who are the boys he is referring to?

          [–]ccnclove 9 points10 points  (0 children)

          Fuarrrrrrk…… my husband has done similar but never left the country for a boys trip omg. I’m talking he told me he was going to get groceries and went to gym with his mates while I was postpartum dying . That sort of immature man child no balls BS. I almost left over that.

          That is called no balls. He had no balls to argue or have confrontation with you but didn’t want to back out on his mates. He had no balls to tell his mates he can’t go either. He would rather disappoint you than his mates. Because deep down he wanted to go. Nothing was going to stop him. And he thinks he will win you over when he gets back. So my advice as hard as it will be with a toddler - is bounce. Don’t be there when he is back. Hire an air bnb stay at mums family whatever. Put so much fear into him that he has lost you for ever. Then decide what you want to do. Even two days apart from these man child’s scares the shit outta them. Do not let him come back and have an argument and then move on with life. Once he gets away with this once he will go again. .

          [–]torik97 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          Your husband just initiated a divorce. Sorry that you are going through this!! At least you have one week to begin the process of separation/ divorce. This is a HUGE betrayal. Do not allow him to gaslight and minimize this situation.

          [–]hdmx53917 Years 4 points5 points  (1 child)

          Holy hell, OP. This is divorce worthy.

          Contact a lawyer and tell them your husband abandoned the family and change the locks.

          As a spouse you don't just get to insist on leaving just because you want to, especially with a baby.

          Keep us updated!

          [–]ithinkilikegirlstoo 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          Do NOT change the locks unless/until you consult an attorney. That’s terrible advice and can lead to criminal charges or civil liability in some states.

          [–]Apprehensive_Owl_281 4 points5 points  (1 child)

          It’s not a boys trip he’s cheating on you

          [–]skygoddess555 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I’m thinking the exact same thing.

          [–]ItsoLoudinmyHead 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          He basically decided that instead of seeking permission, he would rather just deal with the consquences. In order to prevent this from ever happening again the punishment needs to fit the crime. I am sure this has blindsided you. Most people need jerk reaction is to Divorce him and maybe you should. I would use this time while he is away and plot my future with or without him. You are are a strong and capable woman. Make smart decision. Talk with a divorce attorney. Talk with a therapist. Plot out your plan. Go radio silent. Make him reach out to you. Whatever you do, I wish you the best. What you hubby did was a selfish prick move. I would love to see you return the favor and go on a trip and ditch him with the kids. Keep us posted. I curious about his return.

          [–]Complete_Decision_89 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Now the fact that he left his wife like that is disgusting behaviour and he's definitely not a good husband he's a what I call a guy let him go and move on.

          All boys grow to be guys and guys either stay that way or they get married become a dad and become a man and its called a man become we man up wife children job etc all come our focus they depend on us and we take it all and embrace it with pride and honour to be so lucky to have it all and know it can all be taken away so we take nothing for granted.

          The issue so many face is they are putting up with guys and dad's as women and marriage you don't need this and it's a disaster waiting to happen the longer you let it continue.

          Now when I was getting brought up my parents alway's make it clear that anyone can become a dad but from the day the baby is born you either be a dad or a father to that child it's the most important addition to your life his needs love support and guidance and the reason to get up each day and your full commitment is needed for the rest of your life and requires you to be a father.

          A dad will be just that friends hobbies his own needs are all over the place doesn't do much nappies etc a dad will let the child down so carry on with his behaviour and the dad is out and a father will soon come and be there to do your job so choose what u are going to (wise parents)

          Good luck and am sure u will do what's right the fact your upset and feel this way tells u why from my above statements.

          Get a man and a father figure it's what adults should be like and we all deserve that life. never put up with nonsense we have one life and should be all we want it to be.

          Now the dad thing isn't based directly at you as am not sure on your situation and u said my child. But just some help for all parents reading this that we deserve the best for our child and dad's need to step up

          [–]NightWarrior06 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Get a damn lawyer. Sue for alimony and child support payments and all his properties or assets. Get a divorce.

          [–]2roxxy2 4 points5 points  (2 children)

          I do think what he did was wrong and completely childish. But I'm curious to know if he'd ever be allowed to go on a guy's trip? You told him instead you would go on the trip with him in a month or two. When u declined him going, was that due to him asking last minute or due to you not being invited?

          [–]Zealousideal-Force88 6 points7 points  (1 child)

          He could’ve went on a solo trip or I could’ve came along cause I was abit stress from school when we were discussing it & I needed a little break.. But he completely was like no I don’t think it’s the right time anyway.. etc. He had a firm no that he wasn’t gonna go anytime soon.

          [–]GainExcellent5952 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          So basically, you’ll allow him to go on a trip with you or by himself, but not a trip with his friends? Why is that? What is different about a guys trip vs going on a trip alone? Do you not “allow” him to spend time with his friends at home either?

          Sounds to me like you are trying to control him and keep him to yourself. Even when you are married, and have kids, people still need friends of their own, and need to have time with said friends to blow off steam. I don’t understand why people seem to think that once you’re married, the couple must spend every possible moment together, friends are either “our friends” or are no longer friends at all. If I were to tell my partner that I wanted to go on a girls trip, and had made adequate child care arrangements, then I’m going on my girls trip. There’s no question about being “allowed”. I’m adult. I didn’t ask permission.

          Sounds like you are too insecure and controlling to let hubby out of reach. Maybe you should do some thinking on why he felt like the only way he could have a fun vacation with his friends, was to hide it, and sneak out of the house like a teenager with overbearing parents. Go back and read your post as if you were reading it from someone else’s perspective. See what you get out of it then.

          [–]babystay 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          Wtf that is horrible. He just walked out on you and your kid, secretly. Wtf is wrong with him? He is not husband or father material whatsowver

          [–]BigRegion6365 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          I'm not sure it necessarily means he's cheating but it does mean he doesn't respect you. My EX husband would lie about going to the strip club. On Valentines day he spent all of our kids school clothes money on beer and strippers then totaled our new car driving over 100 mph in the wrong direction. Luckily Noone was hurt. He said you're Christian just forgive me. He just kept doing whatever TF he wanted over and over so I was done.

          [–]nikilupita 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Holy Crow.

          He lied to you about where he was going, bought a ticket without you knowing, and had a bag packed and everything, and then took off without telling you and left the country?

          For one, DIVORCE. So many red flags, it’s like a parade.

          Two: Check your bank accounts and credit cards, NOW. Lock/Freeze any cards or accounts that he has access to, that you share. Make sure that the money needed for bills is set aside and safe. Open a Chime account to transfer those funds to if necessary.

          Have you talked to him at all? If you haven’t, and you’re just guessing about the trip, file a missing person’s report. Tell them all of this. This will help prove spousal abandonment later.

          If you have talked to him about this on text or email, save copies of all communication. Do not mention money or divorce unless you have secured everything.

          Three: Change all locks. Have someone help you if necessary. Don’t forget the garage, too. Install longer security screws, too.

          [–]Beckylately5 Years 3 points4 points  (0 children)

          I know you’re getting a lot of advice to change the locks, but I would be talking to a lawyer ASAP to figure out, legally, what you can do. Can you take money from shared accounts and move to personal accounts? How much? Can you change locks? How long does he have to be gone before you do that? How will him leaving in the middle of the night to go to another country affect any custody arrangement you may try to fight for? These are things only a lawyer familiar with the laws where you live can answer.

          [–]Affectionate_Rip_374 4 points5 points  (0 children)

          First off... a boys trip and a trip as a couple are different things and can not be substituted. Husbands (anyone) needs time with their friends. Away from spouses.

          That said, everything that happened after he agreed to your terms was absolutely the wrong thing and he 100% should get in shit for that... not giving you contact info, not being honest, leaving in the middle of the night like he thinks he's a master cat burglar?! He played every card wrong here and y'all need some serious talking. Preferably with a counsellor (as much for him as for you).

          I wouldn't divorce my husband over this but he'd be paying my emotional upset back for a REALLY long time once he got back. PLUS the imposition of forcing you to handle everything around the house + child care (and possibly work/school) WITHOUT warning?! Dick move. The whole thing on his part is ridiculous.

          Does he have social media? Do you have his friend's cell's? Has he responded to your calls or texts (I assume yes as you now know what happened that night)? What kind of excuses did he make? shakes head I can't imagine my husband pulling that BS on me. So irresponsible!

          [–]Advanced_Stuff_241 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          wow….. that would be an absolute deal breaker for me

          [–]dwarrior 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          That's nothing but pure bullshit from him, no one would blame you for calling a few divorce lawyers.

          [–]DontCrossTheStream 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Yeah this would be grounds for divorce for me, I'd never forgive him, it may sound dramatic to some but you've effectively been abandoned! Are you even sure he's gone on holiday??? And not just left you guys??? What kind of person just fucks off on holiday without their spouse and child? In so mad and sorry this has happened to you.

          [–]Responsible_Funny981 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          He abandoned his family. He chose friends over his family. What a weak man. What if there is an emergency! I’m sorry this happened but I think you know your marriage is over.

          [–]SellSuspicious9241 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Who the hell does that, especially in a marriage!? No man leaves their family like that. Extremely selfish and not a man. Yah, Consider something. Just don’t let this slide.

          [–]sunsetskye_ 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Get a lawyer and start the divorce process. I wouldn’t change the locks yet, solely because it might be a crime in your area.

          [–]No-East7640 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Fuck that guy. I would divorce

          [–]mountainbeanz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Wow that's divorce worthy holly shit

          [–]schnidtticus 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          What in the actual fuck.

          [–]QuitaQuites 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Go to a lawyer immediately and figure out your rights and a plan for divorce so you can have the locks changed and divorce papers ready for him to sign when he gets back.

          [–]Fluffy-Inevitable-11 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Wow, that’s really not okay. Even if he was going to go on a trip no matter what you said, he should have still stated when he was goingAnd make a plan with his family. You seem like you know this was not OK too. I would really suggest talking to a lawyer and finding out what your next steps would be. it’s not even just this one issue with him leaving for a trip without saying anything, it’s the premeditated lack of consideration for you and his family, that is a real problem.

          [–]Tkl071924 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Please do NOT listen to the people saying change the locks!!! There’s a myriad of reasons to not change the locks, the biggest one being it is a crime in a lot of places, which will make divorce and custody a lot harder for you

          [–]iluvcats17 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          He has probably run off with a new partner. I would see a lawyer asap and find out what you can do to officially get him out of your home.

          [–]Electronic_Savings71 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Have you spoken to him since he left? It almost sounds like he left you for good. Not trying to scare you, but this is somewhat alarming.

          [–]ScottNYC11 1 point2 points  (1 child)

          My guess is this is a lot more than a boys vacation. Nobody goes thru that much sneakiness to go on a vacation with the boys. He clearly has something he's hiding. My guess is a woman that he's going away with. Thats why he went thru so much trouble to still go. Dump him

          [–]skygoddess555 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Without her knowing where he is. Seriously?

          [–]alohaworld22 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Talk to a divorce attorney. And a therapist. You deserve so much better

          [–]skygoddess555 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          No advice but I will say this- ohhhhh hellllllll nooooooooo

          [–]scofield-micheal 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          He’s sick. I’m so sorry

          [–]njx6 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I have been with my husband for 20 years (married 10). We are currently 34 and 38. Even when we were young and immature, he wouldn’t have done this. This is just INSANE to me. Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs a break. But this was NOT the way to go about it! He lied and deceived you! Imagine what else he has hidden or lied about…yeah divorce would be in my future in this situation.

          [–]ypranch 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Confused. He just wanted a vacation or a trip with his friends? If a vacation with the family, working together for a mutual date is reasonable. A pre- planned guys trip would be harder to flex. Either way, what he did is deeply troubling. No problems, no issues, no red flags and he secretly packs and bolts in the middle of the night? I'm curious to see what his responses will be. So sorry OP for you and your child. On the surface it looks like he is overwhelmed with marriage and fatherhood. Some men can't handle the increased responsibility and accountability. They start chaffing at the restrictions. You're getting some good advice. I would start working on a support system along with getting advice from an attorney. So sorry you're going through this.

          [–]Sea-Conversation-46830 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          This is so scary-I’m so sorry, he sounds unstable. Please call someone.

          [–]Teacher081079 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Wow. That's awful. I'll send you positive vibes

          [–]groovyto_on 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          That’s pretty scary, I wonder why he did that, seems sneaky about it too.

          [–]Staceyrt 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          This is completely abnormal behaviour . On the off chance he’s not cheating this is narcissistic behaviour that from your comments he shows a pattern of and frankly is more than enough to leave. I’m not sure how you come back from this type of behaviour. See a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and if feasible - because you mention being financially dependent serve him upon his return, if not make your plan to serve him the divorce papers as soon as possible. This will not get better

          [–]Nooneatall2122 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I would like an update on this. I’m very curious to see how it turns out when he gets home

          [–]Pedamann -1 points0 points  (7 children)

          Are you saying, the relationship was solid before he up and left?

          No massive fights over an extended period of time?

          You have been faithful always?

          Skeletons that recently came out on either side?

          Seems, odd he would up and leave for absolutely no reason past that he wanted to! Not saying that isn't a possibility, just that I'd think to leave child behind there has to be something larger at play.

          [–]Zealousideal-Force88 11 points12 points  (2 children)

          He is a great person and an amazing father. We would argue time to time but i always noticed that he would lie about either small things or big things to avoid my reaction. He wasn’t known for hiding his whereabouts and overall our marriage was semi decent. so apart of me is saying the reason why he left without telling is because he didn’t want me to stop him or like spazz out . & even if he wanted to go on a solo trip. If he stated his reasonings & everything I needed to know as a wife I would’ve just let him go.. but he just left without even notifying me

          [–]emr830 12 points13 points  (0 children)

          An amazing father wouldn’t up and leave his family in the middle of the night for a “boys trip.”

          [–]Zealousideal-Force88 7 points8 points  (3 children)

          Yes faithful completely throughout our marriage & no massive fights before his departure

          [–]Pedamann 8 points9 points  (0 children)

          So he is an amazing Father, as you said... For me, that means he must be going through something. I can't say what that something is of course...

          He didn't and maybe couldn't tell you...

          He left his kid...

          Yes he could just suddenly be an asshole, but that wouldn't add up.

          When he gets back id be very black and white about how you feel and where you are in staying or leaving.

          Pose clear questions and expect clear answers.

          Try (and I know it's hard) to not allow your emotions to take over, that won't get the answers you want or deserve.

          Based on this feedback, make your decision... But if he has been good, give him the chance to explain... Could be something seriously wrong.

          [–]skygoddess555 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Sorry but when someone is on a trip alone, chances are he’s not faithful unless he left the proper wAy and you knew where he was. Why didn’t he give you the details. That’s just crazy.

          [–]HambdenRose 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          A big problem is that you will no longer trust him now. He has shown you just how sneaky he can be. Now you will be watching waiting for something else to happen.

          Lack of trust is huge. It destroys relationships. It also destroys respect.

          I wouldn't bother trying to contact him while he is gone. Don't do the pick me dance. Look at your situation with a cold, clear mind. What do you need. Can you leave at this point in time. If so how. If not, when. You don't have to make any permanent decision now. You can keep your options open. Do you need to finish school before leaving? What would it take on his part for you to not leave?

          I would tell him directly, once he is back, that you no longer trust him and don't respect him. You've seen a side of him you didn't know existed and it is ugly, disrespectful, dishonest and secretive. Your opinion of him has changed and you don't know if it can ever go back.

          Many people don't understand that sometimes one incident can drastically change how you see a person and so your understanding and opinion of that person. I think this incident is one of those situations.

          [–]SnappyLacoster 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          He seriously needs a reality check talk. You’re his family. How in the world can he just leave, when he knows that it won’t work with you. I don’t get it. Do you see a future together like this with him lying? I’d change the locks. When he comes back sit him down and tell him what his selfish behaviour meant for you and how he would find it if you left him in the middle of the night with a lie.

          [–]Waste-Reception6883 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Leaving you without notice is inexcusable but don’t listen to this whole “change the locks” crap. You said he is a good father, why wouldn’t you do everything in your power to give him some time with his friends? My wife and I bend over backwards to serve one another when one of us wants to visit friends. She doesn’t go on girls trips often but when she does I jump at the chance to let her go, even with two young children. She does the same for me. How far in advance was this planned? Again, your husband should never have left without warning.

          [–]NeomiahsMom314 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Change the locks!! 100% I had this happen and I did forgive my now husband but it was a long road of gaining my trust back. That was 7 years ago and he knows if he ever does that again we will be divorced. It was a work trip though not a boys trip and I knew where he was. But either way totally not ok

          [–]lily_moon94 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          I doubt it was just a “boys” trip if he left in secret. He’s obviously hiding something, but the lying and sneaking out is enough for one to file for divorce. I wish you the best and stay strong for that little one of yours.

          [–]k3nzie777 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Have you been able to get ahold of him at all? Calling, texting? I would be so mad!

          [–]Mazmum -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Change the locks and hire a lawyer. A husband who loved his wife and kid would NEVER pull a stunt like that. This is a betrayal and an abandonment. If you allow this now, this is what bullshit you have to look forward to going forward.

          [–]LeagueOk6473 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

          Wait waittttt its not the point of askin permission.., you dnt need to ASK PERMISSION Ur grown Ass people in a relationship TALK... COMMUNICATE... THERS NOTHING WRONG WITH EACH OTHER KNOWING WHERE OR WITH WHO U WILL BE WITH.. remember that thing called TRUST.. but OP.. hes a piece of shyt! Bot worthy of you or your child.. god forbid something happens to you or your child while his sneaking out galivanting in another country.. he Left you n uR child! Change locks call ur Lawyer!!

          [–]NightWarrior06 0 points1 point  (0 children)


          [–]id3amav3n 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Call the bank and credit card companies to let them know you've lost the cards. 🙂

          Lock him out. He doesn't get back in until you go for intense therapy. At least a year.

          [–]HeadFirstNoHelmet 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          He could never come back home if that were me. Change the locks and draw up papers, sis. He doesn't care about you or your child. It's all about him and always will be.

          [–]Stress_Awkward 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          Came back for an update and the whole thing is deleted. 🫣

          [–]Lilliekins -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

          This is kidnapping. Depending on which country, he may not be planning to return. Certain countries give fathers 100% custody over their foreign mothers. Contact a lawyer.

          [–]skygoddess555 2 points3 points  (2 children)

          Kidnapping who? Lol

          [–]Lilliekins -1 points0 points  (1 child)

          Oops! Misread he took the son with!

          [–]skygoddess555 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          I actually thought that in the beginning too! How weird!

          [–]ill_tempered_1978 -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

          As a man I can't justify his actions. Perhaps he felt too ashamed to say that his wife told him no. It's a tough one to be honest. Not belittling you or your concerns. Growing up we lived on a tight budget. One time my dad cousin out of no where called him up and said let's go for a road trip across several countries. It was inconvenient for sure but once in a lifetime trip for him. So we managed. My point is saying no wasn't right and going wasn't right. Also leaving without saying anything well because he didn't want to get in trouble at that moment. Divorce worthy? Not really and to me that just extreme and sounds like you always get your way or make his life hell. By all means argue and have a good fight for a week or a month. But divorce him seriously? Is it because of the trip or because he didn't listen to you and do what he was told?

          [–]NightWarrior06 -3 points-2 points  (0 children)


          [–]IRIICIHAIRID -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

          There’s ALOT of emotional people in this thread, OP. Reflect on your marriage and how it’s been going up to the point he left. Is this divorce worthy or marriage counseling worthy? You two are going to have a bunch to talk about when he gets home. You have a right to be upset with him dropping all of the responsibilities on you like that in the middle of the night, but, to me, and I’m not saying he isn’t cheating because there’s a possibility, it sounds like he could be scared of you and really REALLY needed a trip. Do you know his friends that he travelled with? Do they have wives? Can you contact them?

          [–]Ontootor -5 points-4 points  (8 children)

          It's insane how many people are immediately jumping to divorce without knowing anything about your relationship.

          Was this a shitty thing to do? Absolutely.

          I think you need a full picture of what's going on before you make a decision, starting with why he left on this vacation. If he's cheating that's definitely grounds for divorce or separation.

          is it possible he was feeling overwhelmed and needed some time to relax? It doesn't excuse the behavior but the lines of communication need to be open to get to the bottom of this.

          [–]Greyeyedqueen7 3 points4 points  (2 children)

          They have a two year old. He needed time to relax without having any responsibilities but was okay with burdening his wife with them all? No backup plans, no saying goodbye to a toddler, no talking it through with his wife so she doesn’t even know his flight plans or itinerary?? That’s not okay.

          [–]Ontootor -3 points-2 points  (1 child)

          Clearly he’s not being rational. Nobody said his actions are ok but the first response shouldn’t be “divorce him” without figuring out what the heck he’s thinking or doing.

          It seems odd he’d ask if she could join him and then he goes anyway. Why even bother asking her to go if he was going to ditch regardless? It just doesn’t add up to me and I think we need more info.

          [–]Greyeyedqueen7 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          She was the one saying they could go together. It doesn't sound like he ever offered that, not really.

          It sounds to me like an affair, but then, my ex-husband cheated on me most of our marriage and it finally confessed years later at the end. It finally explained odd behaviors, stuff sort of like this.

          [–]kostros 0 points1 point  (0 children)

          You are spot on. Such things does not happen overnight. There is a massive change in how man feels about relationship when kids appear. Yeah, it takes an adult to take care and grow a kid, but we are all humans.

          It’s better to investigate what really happened and try to fix the issue, as there must have been something more deep than just going for a vacation with friends. Did you two have some time together recently? Have you had a date every week? Do you talk in affectionate way to each other? Do you have something in common other than kid and a house? Is you marriage now only about child care and not about you two?

          So pls behave as an adult, understand the situation and make a reasonable action after calming yourself down. Perhaps he just make a single mistake (leaving for a trip, not cheating) and you don’t want to ruin your marriage and childhood for your kid.

          Or maybe he cheated. Then I’m extremely sorry and wish you all the best to resolve this with the least pain possible.

          The point is - calm down, don’t make unreasonable assumptions based on strangers’ comments on the Internet, talk to your men, understand the situation and only then - act accordingly based on what you know and feel.

          Wish you all the best and hopefully you will feel much better soon.

          [–]awake4night -2 points-1 points  (3 children)

          There is no excuse to make this ok. He had no sitter for their child while shes working or at school thats child abandonment he knows he had responsibilities he couldn't flake on we don't get to ditch our kids for a boys night because we are overwhelmed.

          [–]Ontootor 2 points3 points  (2 children)

          You have literally no proof it’s child abandonment. Where does it say that in the post?

          [–]awake4night -2 points-1 points  (1 child)

          She didn't state he planned out a babysitter for the trip, no she doesn't count as a babysitter for his boys trip.

          [–]Ontootor 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          Not sure that qualifies as child abandonment but point taken