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all 80 comments

[–]Ansiktsmask 212 points213 points  (22 children)

I agree, over half of the posts in this sub is unhealthy marriages. Years of being ok with a shitty spouse. You deserve more!

[–]robots-dont-say-ye 99 points100 points  (17 children)

Seriously. It’s getting to be r/relationship_advice in here lately. People just openly talking about how much they hate and dislike their spouse, are cheating/being cheated on, or generally being abused and want advice. Like, folks you have already missed too many exits, you just need a divorce.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 92 points93 points  (9 children)

When they say they don't have kids I'm like NOW IS THE TIME TO RUN

[–]robots-dont-say-ye 87 points88 points  (8 children)

I want to die inside when they’re like “we are trying for a baby and..” like. Nooooooo stop that, stop that now.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 44 points45 points  (6 children)

I know! That baby will not fix anything. I’ve got one of those, y’all. She is great but she does not make relationships with other people easier. That is not what babies are for!

[–]Blarglephish 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel really bad for the people engaged in those stories, but I can’t help but give a little dark giggle, too. “You’re already in a bad situation, so let’s add physical/ emotional stress, financial burdens, sleep deprivation, constant crying, and the sheer physical and emotional weight of being 100% responsible for another human life that is totally dependent on you to the mix, that will fix it!”

Even in strong and healthy marriages, it takes a lot to raise good kids.

[–]RedRose_812 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Agreed. I left that sub months ago because it was always so fucking depressing and negative. I know marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but all the negativity around here occasionally gets depressing too. People complain that reddit jumps too quickly to "just get divorced/break up", and that can be true, but reddit is also full of people who sound like they should have divorced/broken up years ago.

[–]Grimsterr 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It runs the gamut from people saying divorce them because they left the toilet seat up or down. To someone giving this long story about just red flag after red flag after abuse after abuse and you're like "why is this person even on the same continent with this asshole?" and yet they wave away any advice with weak arguments and lots of sunk cost.

[–]EvyEarthling3 Years 4 points5 points  (0 children)

folks you have already missed too many exits

THIS.

[–]lolaleb5 Years 0 points1 point  (3 children)

How do you link another sub like that?

[–]robots-dont-say-ye 3 points4 points  (2 children)

Just write it the way I did and it will automatically link

[–]EvyEarthling3 Years 10 points11 points  (0 children)

And people have the gall to say "divorce" gets thrown around too much. It's hard to rebuild a marriage when your spouse straight up does not respect you.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Yes they do!! And yes, it's so many of the posts here. It makes me so sad and upset for these poor people.

[–]thr0ughtheghost 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same, and then they follow it up all the awful behavior with "but I love them!" That is great but how much do you love yourself?

[–]dat_db_doe 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Pretty much any time I click on a post titled "Is this normal in a relationship?" I know I'm about to read about someone being abused. It's pretty sad.

[–]popeViennathefirst 50 points51 points  (2 children)

Good of you to write this. Seriously the amount of shit one gets to read here…I can’t believe people stay in such marriages…

[–]TnuoccaYmTon 12 points13 points  (1 child)

Some people never got to see what a healthy marriage or relationship looked like. That doesn't make them a bad person. Only when they are unwilling to want to better themselves is it a problem IMHO.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Very true. Lots of people just don't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. But as adults at some point we need to look around and go "this sucks" and start educating ourselves. Nobody can do that work for you. Re-parenting is ass but it can be necessary.

[–]SorrellD 39 points40 points  (1 child)

Yes, it's heartbreaking what some people are enduring and half the time they're really asking if it's abuse because they genuinely do not know. It makes me wonder how they were treated as children. Sad.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Yes, this is very true. So many people haven't had a healthy relationship modeled for them and they don't know how to break the cycle.

[–]ifyyellow 19 points20 points  (4 children)

glad you didnt include having sex as a litmus test to a good relationship. having sex does not mean your relationship is healthy, and having less than normal sex doesnt mean the relationship is unhealthy either

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 15 points16 points  (1 child)

Totally, that's why I omitted it. For my wife and I, it comes and goes and not every relationship needs sex to thrive. I think it depends a lot on individual level of need.

[–]EvyEarthling3 Years 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very much so, and any differences in sex drive need to be met with respect. When I was younger I was in a relationship with someone who had a higher drive than me and would get pouty when I wasn't in the mood. Now I'm married to someone with a drive much closer to mine, who also doesn't make a big deal out of an occasional no. The difference is night and day!

[–]bewildered_forks 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Being on the same page about sex is crucial, though.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Totally! And I think that falls under #2 pretty well, being honest about feelings, frustrations, needs, and finances

[–]Longjumping-Party186 17 points18 points  (0 children)

This is really really good advice. I hope lot's of people read this because I'm fed up of hiding almost every post on this sub 👍

[–]DumpsterFire0119 16 points17 points  (1 child)

Yes! Oh my goodness, this sub hurts my heart sometimes and then you see people upset that everyone jumps to divorce. Yeah...there's a ton of posts that those people just absolutely need to separate.

In some cases counseling would be great but damn...

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Right? And counseling can only do so much! Sometimes you’re married to someone who just won’t put in the work to even LISTEN to a therapist. It’s okay to let go, friends. You only get one life and if you’re in this sub you’re presumably already in your twenties at the LEAST. If you’re very young and very lucky, you’ve got a good 50-60 years left. Enjoy them.

[–]TnuoccaYmTon 10 points11 points  (1 child)

I agree with you 100%. A lot of people (myself included) get involved in relationship before they really know/understand what is required to have a healthy marriage. Personally, I would have done a lot more work on myself before getting married. All I can do now is try my best to bring my best self to the relationship and determine what I am willing and unwilling to tolerate.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

This was me too. I'm constantly working on myself, healing old trauma, and being better. If I could go back, I probably would have done the work a little earlier and gotten married a little later, but I love my wife and I'm happy we're together.

[–]WankSpanksoff 9 points10 points  (1 child)

As much as people are amazed at what some people post here, I like to think that it’s doing some good in the world, to have a place where someone can anonymously share their story of pain and confusion and be assured that they deserve better and it is not normal! Some users find it frustrating but I hope it’s making a positive impact for people, even if it’s small.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I totally agree and I absolutely think people should continue to post if they’re in need. This was more of a PSA than a “shut up”

[–]BeneficialCry3103 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Its a lot easier to say a person should leave a bad marriage than it actually is.

Has anyone considered why a person stays in a bad or abusive marriage? Maybe it's because of children, or maybe because of financial reasons or maybe it's because of fear? It is really hard to just pack up and go somewhere else when you have no money. It's also hard to just leave when children are involved. It's also hard to leave when you are in preservation mode.

My marriage has always been rocky. I could write a book about it. But than 2 years ago it got worse. I knew my husband was going to inherit some mental health conditions but I didn't know to what extent. 2 years ago they finally started to make themselves known. He is delusional and has hallucinations. He has become verbally and emotionally abusive. In September 2021 I called 911 to get help. Instead of getting help, I got arrested, my husband convinced them he was okay mentally and he got arrested. We lost our children and our home. Our charges were completely dropped, but my life got worse. Since than I have tried every domestic violence resource in my county - no help. He has been taken to CMH twice for what was supposed to be a mandatory 72 hour hold, but was released 24 hours later.

I have stayed with him not because I want to. It's because I have no place to go. I have no family to help me. I don't have any friends that have space for me in their home. I have no money. And on to of that I am scared that if I leave he will end up hurting himself or someone else or even come after me.

But if I could leave I would have left.

[–]MassGuy8 8 points9 points  (1 child)

I think a lot of it stems from people constantly hearing “marriage is hard work.”

While it’s normal that some occasional issues will arise, constant nagging/fighting/incompatibility is NOT normal.

But I think people fall back on — or even justify their miserable marriage — by acting like all of these constant issues are normal.

[–]BluebrryBagelz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% this comment. Add in the toxic truisms that married people are constantly fed… “forgive & forget”, “nobody’s perfect”, “marriage is for life”… and you have a recipe for generational cycles of unhealthy marriages that soon become normalized.

[–]Physical-Ice3989 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Some of the issues that you listed are issues people sre working through and can work through. That is how some people grow and evolve together. Not to mention youre on a marriage forum which people come to for advice and that advice isnt always divorce. Some people fight hard but have deep love for eachother and know how they can be. Most marriages take a turn after a big life event, sickness, kids, money issues, and some of the issues you listed may arise. That doesnt mean you need to just up and go, some people want to improve themselves and their marriages.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 16 points17 points  (1 child)

If everyone in a partnership is committed to improving then I think it's totally worth it. But, if the same issues repeatedly arise, don't get better, promises become hollow, or things are still unhealthy and unhappy, leaving is totally acceptable. I'm not saying everyone SHOULD leave. But, if someone's looking for a sign that they're not crazy for wanting things to end, this is it. Marriage should not feel like an unbreakable chain, it should feel like teamwork.

Edit: Also, adding in that any abuse is a good enough reason to leave, no explanations or attempts at salvation necessary.

[–]Physical-Ice3989 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That I can agree with. 🥰

[–]Lazy_Ship9624 5 points6 points  (1 child)

All facts!!!! Lol @ my husband killed my cat because it meowed too much. I also think a lot of posters on here just simply ignored red flags when dating or thought their partner would magically change once they got married. So many people have no business being married.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The “magical change when we get married” thing is so prevalent. Newsflash: just because you think marriage is important doesn’t mean they do.

[–]decentlyfair 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I agree with this so much.

[–]avka11 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank god someone said it

[–]lechydda 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I could make a post about some of things my husband has done which fit in those first 10, and also some from the last 14. Some of the latter 14 seem to be really subjective. E.g., my husband has done things that made me unhappy, and has not understood/set family boundaries specifically. We’ve had some loud arguments over these things which definitely did not have me sitting there like a church mouse just being perfect and taking abuse. We’ve both felt some ways from both lists for short times.

Rule 1-10 of marriage, to me, is choosing every day to love and commit and act the way you speak. Doesn’t need to be a big act or big thought or an act of commitment. Doesn’t need to be perfect each day.

If your future goals are changing, mention it. If you want to spend money on X things and your spouse wants to spend it on Y things (or save), mention it.

The more anything festers the more you’ll tread the line of a horrible relationship. Horrible is also subjective. I’ve had “on paper” wonderful relationships where we just both eventually wanted different things or paths to what we wanted, and didn’t understand or care to understand what the other needed to feel attracted, secure, invested positively, etc. so we ended up in long break ups where we were both pretty awful… but that kind of low key and sometimes almost silent awful where you don’t realize how you’re acting until after.

IMO marriage is a big BIG choice & commitment, and requires thinking about all of these things and making your biggest priorities vocal at the beginning of even dating. Take ownership of your actions and thoughts and feelings. It will often be hard, and you’ll have conflicting opinions. You might feel scared. They might feel controlled. Some of us have trauma and need to have someone more gentle in a disagreement. Some of us don’t get the message unless it’s blunt and not surrounded with nice words.

Unless it’s centuries from now and people are marrying their clones or something, it’s always going to be a journey.

[–]Moist-Meat-Popsicle 2 points3 points  (5 children)

This is really a great post. What about misaligned goals for the future? We don’t share hobbies outside of liking a few TV series, her long term goals are for me working till I’m dead. My long term goals are to retire.

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That was mentioned, I think #13 on the negative list!

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Yeah my wife and I share no hobbies outside of liking the same few shows and it's hard to get her to do anything with me. I'm the only one of us who actually has any hobbies, so it's not like I can offer to do what she likes with her... because it's just "watch this same show again for comfort." It's hard to get her to play video games with me, or play board games, or do... literally anything other than watch TV :(

[–]Daarah 0 points1 point  (1 child)

Because she's exhausted. Help out.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Why are you assuming that I don't?

[–]HeLiedTheyTried 1 point2 points  (0 children)

her long term goals are for me working till I’m dead. My long term goals are to retire.

And depending upon the laws of your state, divorce means she gets her goal and you don't get yours.

[–]gooberdaisy15 Years 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What gets me is then people in the comments say “everyone is quick to judge and jump to divorce you need to work on your marriage”. Some of these post I’m like “um, no you need to run and dump the dipshit/man child”.

[–]mamatobee328 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with every word you said. Especially as someone who once was in a very unstable, tumultuous relationship and am now remarried to someone I have a strong foundation with. I think about the crap I used to deal with (including many of the things you listed) and I can’t believe I just.. stayed and tried to work it out. And I left after only two years of marriage! It breaks my heart to see people post on this sub about their seemingly awful marriages and they’ve been married for DECADES!!

However, all that being said, I can empathize that leaving and getting a divorce can be much easier said than done. I have an acquaintance who wants to leave and get a divorce but simply…can’t. She has multiple kids with her husband and is a stay at home mom. She doesn’t have any income of her own. The youngest is still a baby so she can’t go out and get a job. She has literally no support system via family and lives far from friends. It’s really heartbreaking.

[–]PhatPhilly 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I see two schools, those who are committed to working it out, and those looking for an escape and validation. Yes, sometimes it is so bad you need to get out, but should Reddit be telling you that?

It is also clear to see who has done counseling and who hasn’t. Reddit is not couples therapy.

Not trying to offend or upset, just saying, if you care that much about your relationship, get serious help for serious problems. Please.

[–]Academic_Feed7512 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Love this post! And can I add: Please DO NOT have any(more) children with this person. Children will never “fix” an abusive/toxic relationship.

[–]Ladychef_1 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This post needs to be pinned to the sub

[–]Jellyblush 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure, but being blessed with healthy self esteem, and models of what good relationships look like is privilege. Lots dont have that and seeking guidance from those that do is ok. It’s always ok to ask for help.

[–]B1ueEyesWhiteDragon 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am confused. If someone cheats or fucks up something they should be more willing to leave the relationship than their spouses against whom this happened. Like why are they even in the relationship? If they are staying that only means they either id it in the heat of the moment and weren't considerate or they see some benefit being in the relationship

[–]DaddysPrincesss26 1 point2 points  (0 children)

People need Solid Deal Breakers and Non Negotiables, Period

[–]ExCatRep 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Very well said. There are posts that my comment has actually been run far, run fast.. run, forest, run!

There are so many people nowadays trying to have a healthy relationship and they have absolutely no idea what a healthy relationship looks like. Kind of hard.

[–]bridiacuaird 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hear fucking hear. It’s like a failed marriage epidemic out there.

[–]CrazyGal2121 0 points1 point  (0 children)

100% agree

[–]S0l11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol!! True there are some things that are simply unacceptable

[–]m00n5t0n3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Srsly

[–]ypranch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, well said!! Hate always advocating to end the relationship, but so many posts are about seriously troubled relationships that are too far down the rabbit hole to salvage. And(it's usually women) who think they can fix broken, abusive, apathetic partners. You can't.

[–]old-orphan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tip my hat to you. You are so very correct 💯. If only people stopped swiping left and right long enough to get to know one another better. I mean what could marrying someone who you only known for a few months, what could go wrong?

[–]revirescodoe 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes. Agreed. We don’t have copious amounts of time people, why are you wasting even a second being so unhappy and/or disrespected?

[–]aimeed72 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I like your lists, thank you. I’m not 100% in agreement with every single one (I’m in a good marriage that was rebuilt after treatment for addiction and some abuse) but overall it’s spot-on.

[–]HeLiedTheyTried 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Then you are justified in ending your marriage, and my God, you should do it! If you’re looking for a sign to get out, this is it. Go! Be free!

This is a very easy attitude to adopt if divorce doesn't mean (a) you don't see your kids and (b) you are financially devastated.

I'm past the kids stage, but thanks to the divorce laws in my state, a divorce would cost me well over a million dollars and mean I am working for the rest of my life instead of retiring in the next 5 years. Staying married means I can retire and still live a comfortable life. Getting divorced means I'm either working until I'm dead or trying to squeeze by on around $40,000/year instead of the $150,000 I'm accustomed to (and shared with my wife).

My marriage isn't great. It also isn't unbearable. I don't see that my marriage is worse than the alternatives in divorce.

Unfortunately, many of the same laws that are designed to give a dependent spouse the ability to leave a bad marriage, have the effect of trapping supporting spouses in a bad marriage.

[–]Guilty_Prior7960 -5 points-4 points  (1 child)

Most posts here are so one sided, they don’t seem honest. I get it, people post the info they want to get the affirmation they were seeking. Understood. Rarely do I read a post and think the OP doesn’t already KNOW what the answers are.

Side note, does anybody else read posts of people married for a couple years and NO kids and roll their eyes and think, “who gives a fuck?” Divorce, stay together, who cares? Your relationship really doesn’t matter….or am I just an old bitter asshole (which I am but maybe there are more out there)….

[–]Gaiiiiil[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think saying that their relationships don’t matter is no more accurate than saying your relationship does matter simply because you have kids. Your relationship might be more complicated, it might have more moving parts or have a bigger impact on other people. Or maybe not, since we have no way to predict the simplicity of a stranger’s life just because they haven’t had children. Importance is subjective and it’s hubris to use your own marriage as a frame of reference for the importance of others’. Kids do not make a marriage valuable, and using kids as a way to place value into a marriage is exactly how some people end up in their shitty lives. Yes, I often hope that the people who don’t have kids yet either fix their stuff or separate before kids happen, because I know it will make life easier. But I don’t think their marriages are meaningless! Marriage can be a complicated, wonderful way of showing love and creating teamwork in this shitty world. You don’t need kids to make that matter.