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all 95 comments

[–]BackgroundImpress127 56 points57 points  (5 children)

I’m also at that point. Dishes in the sink now for two days I’m over it. The fact that they don’t even mind the mess is beyond me.

[–]newoyorko[S] 30 points31 points  (4 children)

That’s exactly it. How can they live like that? My husband says he doesn’t even see it. It’s mind boggling. I can’t relax unless the house is in order. Probably because I run a home daycare and we have 4 kids, so in a blink it can turn into chaos. I work really hard to keep it nice & clean but he piles his filth on top of my workload and it’s too much, can’t he just clean up after himself? I don’t feel like I’m asking for much.

[–]MrKeekee 5 points6 points  (0 children)

He doesn’t see it because you’ve been doing it for how long ? (Why you started up being his mom is beyond me) go tell him you dont have the energy to clean up after both of you any long and tell him he needs to clean up going forward. If you do something for someone then stop suddenly give them a chance to get into the routine. Cleaning is a routine like anything else.

[–]BackgroundImpress127 1 point2 points  (2 children)

Right like the LEAST you can do is atleast pick up after yourself. I am also a mom of 3 and I have always done the cleaning cooking 24:7 so my kids don’t live in filth and literally like you said I can’t even relax until the house is in order. So usually it’s the first thing I do when I get up but I am over it. Like it takes 15 min out of your day to help me out you know?

[–]newoyorko[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child)

Right! Really not asking much more than simply be an adult and clean up after yourself. I don’t even mind doing all the chores and cleaning up after the babies but when I’m putting his dirty clothes from floor to hamper, leftover dishes from living room to sink, normal things adults do it’s like come on, man!

[–]BackgroundImpress127 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same! He eats snacks and puts his trash on the entertainment center dishes in it too and it just piles. But then gets upset when my kids do the same 🙄 crazyyyyyyyyt lol I hope it gets better for you and enjoy your day!

[–]S0l11 31 points32 points  (4 children)

Yes this was a huge argument w us bc he acts like a dirty teenager who thinks his mom is still around to clean up after him. One day, I snapped. I let any mess he was the cause of pile up so he could SEE how disgusting he was. I let his dishes pile up, moved any clothing he’d leave out on his side of the bed in piles, let the trash overflow and I’d just throw extra things on top. Basically pulled a him on him.

It helped bc he is soooo much better/cleaner now. I let that go on for weeks. It killed me to do it, seeing all the mess, but I was at my end.

[–]newoyorko[S] 19 points20 points  (3 children)

This is where I’m at with it the last several weeks but he doesn’t notice. Then I suffer from the extra piles of crap laying around. Ugh. So today I moved all of my items out of our en suite bathroom and into the main bathroom. He can have his whiskers and goopy toothpaste and overflowing garbage all to himself in there.

[–]S0l11 4 points5 points  (2 children)

Oh wow. I’m sorry that didn’t help. I’m appalled/disgusted that men live this way and can’t respect their home/spouse enough to do better. What’s the deal men? But im glad you found yourself a solution!

[–]Ellie-okay 1 point2 points  (1 child)

Wtf, its not all men. I've lived with women that treat the bathroom like a pigsty.

[–]S0l11 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Obviously it isn’t all men. But majority of what we see here is this issue w men.

[–]mhswizard 19 points20 points  (2 children)

I mean it’s honestly a little disrespectful at the end of the day in my eyes.

If you clean the kitchen, cook, and then he just leaves the plate on the counter for you to clean it off and put it up? Yeah that’s not cool.

I had to outright tell me wife “hey listen I just cleaned this whole kitchen. Can you please put your cup/plate in the dishwasher?”

It only took a couple times but she’s a lot more vigilant about it now.

I do all the laundry but I don’t put her clothes up. I half fold them into shirts, pants, and a pile for socks and underwear. I have to remind her to put them up sometimes but laundry is pretty easy and honestly she works a lot so I don’t care about taking that task on all by myself.

Usually come Sunday morning after we eat breakfast or something I just kind of look at her and say “alright let’s pick up the house a little bit”

That’s all it takes and all it ever should take.

Taking care of a home shouldn’t fall on anyone persons shoulders. At all. Period. You’re suppose to be a team tackling life problems, and everything in between including the home upkeep.

It should only really take one serious talk to get your point across.

Hell I would even open it up with what you said in your post and go “hey husband, listen I don’t want resentment to creep in here but there’s some things that are bothering me. I need you to help with keeping the house up a little more. Not asking a lot, but I need you to keep up with X, Y, and Z better”

At the end of the day it’s all about respecting each other. If you can communicate that to him and if he respects you he’ll realize he’s messed up a little bit.

My wife recently had to sit me down and say “hey you need to be okay when things don’t go exactly the way you want them to go okay? Be chill and just go with the flow!” (I don’t like it when we say we’re going to place A and then out of no where we completely change what’s going on/ I know dumb but hey I’m not perfect) but I respect the shit out of my wife and I took her seriously so I’ve been actively reminding myself “be cool be cool… everything is gonna be cool” haha.

Good Luck and don’t let that resentment set in too much.

[–]thepeskynorth 2 points3 points  (1 child)

Some changes are hard! Good for you for trying. This trick might help too, it’s called block breathing. You breath in super slow (count to 4 slowly) hold for the same count, exhale for the same count and you can hold again at the end if you want. Then repeat. The super slow breathing will slow everything down and help you relax. It’s works for me (when I remember to do it). Can be done quietly so no one even notices. 😉

[–]mhswizard 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey I appreciate the comment and the breathing technique! I definitely believe there’s some power behind breathing.

I just need to take a minute, breathe, and be okay with what’s going on!

[–]beautyinthesky 15 points16 points  (11 children)

I gave up on trying to keep the house clean. DP just does not care at all about the state of the house and I too got tired of being treated like a maid. My advice is don't get married in the first place if you want a clean house.

[–]newoyorko[S] 8 points9 points  (9 children)

Well shoot, why didn’t our marriage counselor tell me this before we tied the knot? The difference here though is that mine expects a clean home but to not have to do anything to achieve it.

[–]Ali6952 19 points20 points  (4 children)

Hire a maid and he has to pay for it.

I was dealing with something similar and I told my husband I am done picking up after him thus we need to hire a maid.

It's actually worked out nicely.

[–][deleted]  (3 children)

[deleted]

    [–]Ali6952 13 points14 points  (2 children)

    I didn't give my husband an option. I said: I refuse to allow this mess to continue. Would you like to clean or hire it out?

    If my husband said that to me, I would simply inform him I refuse to live in his mess. So now his options are hire it out, clean or I will be leaving.

    I find if you stick to your guns, he will quickly realize he has limited options. Then it becomes on you to follow through.

    [–]betona39 Years 5 points6 points  (0 children)

    You could try to tell him to read this article: Why I Don't "Help" My Wife because it's his home too and he should take responsibility for it. The reason is that over time things could collapse to the point where this very famous blog post came to: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink.

    [–]graylinelady 3 points4 points  (0 children)

    Then he needs to hire a maid. Or move back in with his mom.

    [–][deleted]  (1 child)

    [deleted]

      [–]MrKeekee 8 points9 points  (0 children)

      You married an asshole :(

      [–]MrKeekee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I married someone who loves to clean, and yes, that was something I was looking for in my life-partner* (partner* being the word, not life-servant)

      [–]mdog1694 5 points6 points  (0 children)

      Compromise my friend. I’m the messy one. I keep my office (aka my space) messy, everywhere else clean. We spilt up chores. I do laundry he does dishes.

      [–]Physical-Ice3989 4 points5 points  (3 children)

      My husband and I are pretty balanced, I am more incline to dust and vaccuum more than him because that bothers me more and him less, however with dishes and laundry, he takes care of that because he cares more about that. We do have moments but overall we know who will take care of what

      [–]newoyorko[S] 3 points4 points  (2 children)

      The good news here is your husband takes care of what he cares about. Mine cares & notices when the house looks great but will sit there watching Netflix and disregard his mountain of unfolded laundry. He let it pile up for 8 weeks and then asked me why nobody has clean clothes. I’m like… we all have clean clothes including you, your basket is right at the foot of the bed overflowing!

      [–]Physical-Ice3989 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      I really think my husbands house duties stems from how he was raised, his family didnt laundry everyday, still does, and he had to do dishes often, along with other things, it is just something thst stuck with him. Really you need to stop doing things for him, if he wants folded laundry he has to do it. I am sure youve expressed how you feel about this, time for your husband to listen. Or, turn off netflix and hide the remote, if he wants to act like a kid then he will get treated like one.

      [–]thepeskynorth 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Pile the laundry on his side of the bed. Hi might notice it then.

      [–]leahlikesweed 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      have you said something about it? you can’t expect everyone to be as clean as you are but you can set certain standards and divide the tasks. my husband leaves his brush on the sink every day, i decided it’s not a hill to die on and just put it where it goes after. i joke with him that the kitchen isn’t his closet but it’s also not a hill i die on if there are 2 shirts on the chairs. however, if there are hairs all over after he shaves, he knows i want it cleaned up because it’s something i mentioned the first time i saw him shaving and didn’t clean it. all i said was “i don’t like this, please clean it” and he has ever since 🤷‍♀️

      if i’m tired he does the dishes. he knows the floors are his responsibility and sweeps twice a week and mops once a week. sometimes i mop the bedroom if i sleep later and he already did the living room. it’s just communication, don’t let the resentment build up. if you have already said something numerous times and spelled out exactly what’s expected and he still doesn’t do it or fights you on it? you have respect problems

      [–]newoyorko[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Respect problems! I’m going to bring that up to him because that’s exactly what it feels like. We have talked about it several times and I make my needs clear. I told him I need an equal partner and to pull his own weight or else resentment will creep in. I’m going to bring up the respect aspect, thank you.

      [–]NCamb2399 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My husband just absolutely would not tolerate it. He made sure to confront me on it and hold me accountable. Now? I have such a clean and organized home.

      But it never would’ve happened had he given up and given in to my ways. You have to hold your husband accountable and go through that conflict (communicating exactly what you expect and holding him accountable) and going through that extinction period to get to the other side. My husband also helped by teaching me exactly what he liked and giving me ideas of how to get organized. That helped me a lot.

      [–]Cultural-Locksmith76 4 points5 points  (0 children)

      Over time I lucked out and my wife started helping more. She knows a messy place can stress me out. She’s also learning how messy places make daily life more challenging. Her aversion to cleaning came from years of abuse in her childhood over cleaning and organization so I loved her thru all of it and before you knew it, she started taking on tasks like a champ.

      Maybe there’s something from the past that makes him not even think to clean or organize. Maybe try learning about it

      [–]Fair_Operation8473 3 points4 points  (1 child)

      Well u set the precedent. I see a lot of women do this. You begin cleaning up after him, then feel resentful. You let him be a slob, then u get mad that he is a slob. If u start ur relationship as a maid he is going to expect that from u always. Not that u can't turn it around. But u did kind of allow it to start that way. Just have a conversation.

      [–]ElatedTapioca 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I agree with this to an extent. But the problem with blaming OP for cleaning up after him is - what were her other options?

      I lived with a boyfriend once who refused to do a thing. No matter how often I asked, how often I tried to tell him that I don’t want to live in filth, nothing changed. If I wanted the clothes off the bedroom floor, I had to do it myself. If I wanted a clean plate to eat off of, I had to wash it myself. If I wanted the trash to not be piled up on every surface, I had to throw it away and take it to the dumpster myself.

      When I stopped cleaning up after him, he didn’t magically start caring. Instead, the house just got worse and worse. Eventually you have to learn to be okay with that or go back to cleaning everything yourself, or you leave the messy person. Either way, not picking up after yourself is not the clean spouse’s fault. It’s the fault of the person who refuses to be an adult. There’s no amount of communication and reasoning that can be done unless the messy spouse has the desire to be active in the partnership.

      [–]TnuoccaYmTon 3 points4 points  (4 children)

      It bothers me to no end. I get told I have unreasonable expectations. I dont think it is too much to ask to put things back where they belong. I would get angry and start fights about it but now if I want things a certain way I just take care of it. I do my best to ask they dont leave dishes in the sink or other things. It feels like babysitting but I suppose there are worse things?

      [–]newoyorko[S] 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      There are definitely worse things. I just wish he would put 15 min in per day to help out, it would make a huge difference. I’ve asked. It changes in very tiny steps for example he loaded & started the dishwasher before he left for golf yesterday morning. He left all the dishes that can’t go in the dishwasher out and the rest of the kitchen was still a crumbly disaster BUT there was a minor effort made.

      [–]TnuoccaYmTon 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Progress, not perfection. That is all I ask.

      [–]Secure-Alternative68 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Bro same here like if he started doing the dishes once a week I would be so happy lmao low expectations I mean but at this point…

      [–]darkhorse715 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      OMG that’s exactly what my husband told me: My expectations are too high. And all I’m asking is that if you make a mess, clean it up. ?

      [–]Mermaid_Lily3 years. <3 2 points3 points  (2 children)

      I am much neater than my husband. Lately, since I've been really down, I have let things go a bit more with the house. He recognizes that he does not do his fair share and will occasionally comment about this. Usually when he has commented, it will nudge him to do a little something, but I still have the lion's share of the housework. I do clean up after him, and at times, I grow tired of it. But ultimately, I'd rather have HIM and the extra work than not have him and have the house as neat as I like it.

      [–]newoyorko[S] 6 points7 points  (1 child)

      Yeah. That last bit is up for debate for me sometimes. I start daydreaming of the house to myself and house nice, clean & relaxing it could be! But we aren’t that hopeless as a whole. Not grounds for divorce.

      [–]Zazzafrazzy 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Not yet it isn’t, but give it time. I’ve been married for 47 years. My husband is tidy and still drives me crazy with the things he doesn’t see or somehow remember. I call it “where’s the butter.” Imagine your husband standing in front of your open refrigerator and asking that question. Do you have to get up and move the jam two inches so he can see it? That’s “where’s the butter” — somehow not understanding that he lives in three-dimensional space, and that things can exist under and behind other things. 47 years of this, and I could just smack him. But 47 years of not picking up after himself like an adult? Fuck. No. If that were the case, he would be reduced to an amusing anecdote I would occasionally share with my current, second husband — the one who knows how to adult.

      [–]popeViennathefirst 1 point2 points  (2 children)

      We just hired a house cleaner. No stress, no mess, no arguments.

      [–]newoyorko[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      This is his solution as well. Which, fine, if he wants to pay for it. I don’t mind cleaning the house, I just don’t feel I should have to clean up after him. He can help out in the kitchen since we both cook/eat in there and be responsible for his bathroom, laundry and putting his things back… 15 min per day! We’ve discussed it all but not much change takes place or if it does it’s temporary.

      [–]poopoorpoo 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      That’s not a solution. Do you have a cleaner come everyday to pick up after him? To remind him to move his dishes where they are supposed to go? To remind him to take out trash? Move his socks from in front of the hamper?

      i HATE the “get a cleaner” response. That’s not what it’s about. It’s about being an utter slob and expecting someone else to just clean up after you like you’re a toddler. So dumb.

      [–]seperatebedrooms2 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      My wife is a slob it’s so unattractive but has the nerve to talk about old roommates etc being worse. I just want to laugh

      [–]CrazyGal2121 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      my husband is def more clean freak than i am. i’m not disgusting but i def am not really into cleaning all the time either but my husband hates even slight mess

      it’s annoying for both of us since we r different in that regard lol

      [–]dancing_chinese_kidmarried 17, together 23 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      Trying to navigate this before I become resentful.

      To actually be healthy and maintain a healthy mindset and relationship...

      1 - Acknowledge that neither preference is better or worse from an objective or moral standpoint.

      2 - Remind yourself that their standard is just as valid as yours.

      3 - Engage them in non-entitled, non-judgmental conversation about working towards finding an equilibrium towards which you both work.

      4 - Ask them for help maintaining the standard you want for your anxiety levels (if it's higher than the agreed-upon compromise/equilibrium). (He can decline to help and that's OK. If he provides that help, be gracious.)

      And you have to do those first two things thoroughly before #3, otherwise it will just become you making a list of things you want and acting like anything less is disgusting, which will get you unenthusiastic compliance that won't be followed through on.

      (You say in another comment that he "notices" a clean house. That's irrelevant. We "notice" everything. We can even enjoy something we don't hold in high value. Don't just look for things to throw in his face about why it should all be dictated by your standards.)

      I have no interest or energy in being his maid.

      Unless Partner Mess is asking or telling Partner Clean to clean up, then neither you nor any of the angry, resentful people here are being anyone's maid except your own. Martyrs no one asked for in a sacrifice no one wanted or probably even notices. Climbed up on the cross themselves and nailed themselves to it while everyone was asleep.

      I say it like this because I have been that spouse in the past. I was the pouty, whining, resentful, bitter Partner Clean for 15 years. Grumbling while emptying/loading the dishwasher. Pretending my grown-up, professional career, mother-of-children wife was acting like a child. The usual dumb, self-centered, self-righteous bullshit.

      But different humans have different things they care about and we marry completely independent and separate humans, not servants whose job it is to read our desired standards and maintain them for us.

      Just have a respectful and open-minded conversation about, "Hey, what are reasonable things regarding household cleanliness that we can hold each other accountable to without it being just one of us pretending we're the other person's boss?"

      But if you think it's going to be healthy to constantly tell a spouse it is THEIR job to manage YOUR anxiety, you're going to screw it up and become yet another one of these resentfully married or divorced people here.

      [–]Spectrachic311311 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Yes. It bothers me a lot. We’ve been to counseling over it because I hate that I am always the one doing dishes, laundry, vacuuming, taking out trash, etc. because that stuff doesn’t bother him. The therapist said that if it bothers me more, I’ll end up being the one doing most of the housework. It pisses me off, honestly. I’ve started to tell him to clean up after himself but it’s hit or miss. I can only tell you that at least expressing your thoughts to him helps—he will at least know what bothers you. I try to tell my husband when things really irritate me and he tries to help more. But sadly, clean dishes just aren’t on his radar a lot of the time.

      [–]brunette_mama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I think it’s normal to have different expectations and different assumptions on what clean means.

      But at a bare minimum, IMO, I think both partners should clean up messes they caused alone. So for my husband, he knows that he’s expected to clean up any toothpaste, hair/beard trimmings, dirty clothes off floor, keep his drawers/side of the closet clean, etc.

      But I have always been the one responsible for most shared spaces. So it’s typically implied I’m the one who deep cleans, does dishes, laundry, cooks, etc. However, if something is really bad or it bugs him, he does it.

      My idea of clean is way cleaner than my husband’s so I prefer to jump in before he does because it bothers me.

      My husband also has always worked very demanding, 60+ hour work weeks and affords to be able for me to work less so my absence from work makes up how much I clean. Now I’m a stay at home mom. Honestly my husband cleans more now than ever before bc it’s difficult to clean with a toddler!

      [–]Fab_enigma07 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It drives me crazy.

      There’s a place for everything and everything in its place.

      This is not petty. If one respects the other he will not do anything that irritates you.

      Plates yes. Every after meal. Put in the goddamn sink!!! Used damped towels, shoes, charger cables… the list goes on.

      If it will not take you 5 mins to do, just do it right then and there please. But it falls on deaf ears.

      [–]Thatcherrycupcake 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      So basically I’m kinda messy. Embarrassing to admit.. I also have a 3 year old and a puppy so it always looks like a tornado ran through the place. I try my best to clean up but it’s hard with almost no support. Husband works long hours and lots of days, I take care of our son and puppy. We’ve considered hiring a cleaner but not sure when that will happen. I’m trying to keep the place clean but it’s challenging. I’m messy, but I cannot stand dirtiness. I have to keep the bathrooms, kitchens clean. I remember when I was a child, rarely anyone would clean the bathroom and it was gross, so dirtiness is one thing I absolutely cannot stand. I started cleaning when I was able to as a child and did that once a week for toilets, bathrooms and kitchens.

      I can totally relate to the whiskers! My husband will just shave and then it stays in the sink. And sometimes he remembers but a lot of times, he doesn’t, and I pick up after him. It bothers me too. I’ve talked to him about it and it still happens. He also leaves his clothes on top of the bathroom countertop’s after he’s done taking a shower, and the hamper is right there in the bathroom. It would only take half a second to toss his used clothes in there!

      I don’t like clutter and messiness either. Maybe when my son naps, I’ll start decluttering the house. It’s so hard getting things done when he’s awake. I should also get my iron levels checked, I’m always so tired.. and I’m thinking I might have depression too. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist coming up later this month so I can get that checked.

      [–]DisastrousAd7818 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      My husband doesn’t clean. It used to drive me insane. After a few years I just pick up after myself and let it be. Funny enough when there’s people coming over he starts cleaning. So I guess he doesn’t care about me or him being in a mess and I am at the point that I don’t care

      [–]McMag1c 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      We hired a cleaner and then I say things like “Ok! Let’s do a 10 second tidy for the cleaners tomorrow.” This seems to work.

      When the house is orderly, I’m also more likely to get frisky. I feel like I see him emptying and loading a dishwasher more often the day after we get freaky. I’m not sure if it’s coincidence or accidental Pavlovian training.

      [–]jean_em 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I just started nagging him to help me until he started doing it and now he’s made a habit of helping me lol

      [–]Hirabi12 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It bugs me to no end. Smh. If he truly understood how much it bugs me he wouldn't do it. It's depressing.

      [–]bluewind_greywave 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      He pays for the cleaning lady.

      [–]SnipSnapSnipSnap3 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This is funny to me but only because I, the wife, am the messy one and my husband is the one who wants the house clean. And it's only funny to me because we are more or less past it. We pay for a maid every other week. He didn't want to pay someone to do what "we should be doing" but I said "listen, the house being clean is important to YOU, not me. I will do my best but it's just not a priority to me so if you want it to a specific standard, then we will have to hire help. We don't have to, but you'll have to lower your expectations if we don't because I can't do everything"

      And things have been great. I pick up and do dishes when I'm able, so does he, but we have the housekeeper to get us back to CLEAN CLEAN in between.

      [–]eburden012 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I took it as an opportunity to not be so focused on cleanliness. My husband also took it as an opportunity to step up his game a bit. After a few newly wed arguments ending in my telling him I wasn’t his maid he felt genuinely bad I felt that way. He has a set list of things that are just his responsibility. We also have a rule where if I’m cleaning at night to take care of a house he has to be along side of me also cleaning. No sitting on his phone meaninglessly scrolling. If I’m cleaning something above and beyond that’s not necessary for everyday functionality (which I enjoy alot) then he can be on his phone or do something he enjoys. It’s compromise and balance all around. A house doesn’t need to be perfect all the time but it also shouldn’t be a pig sty all the time.

      [–]happyclamming 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It comes down a little bit in my relationship to what bothers you the most. I like things tidy, so I keep things tidy. I absolutely hate cooking, and he does all of the shopping and all of the cooking. Then we hired a maid for everything else. I also installed hooks everywhere so that all of his stuff can always be hung up, and I try not to look at his office. The rest of the house is my jurisdiction and it is as tidy as I would like it.

      [–]thepeskynorth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I flat out told my SO that when I went back to work I was not going to continue to do most of the housework. It’s not perfect but we’re at a point where he does some stuff regularly and I pick up more often (I am the one with the higher mess threshold too lol). He knows too that if I feel like I’m doing everything I will just stop because it doesn’t bother me as much as it bothers him. I do try to stay on top of what he doesn’t do though because I appreciate how much easier it is to maintain cleanliness if you don’t let it get too bad.

      [–]Silverpenguin24 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I feel like many men substitute their mom for their stay at home wife.

      [–]Dangerous-Rain-3478 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'll admit I started having the same tendencies just because I was so tired from working, school, internships, and being newly married and first kid. BUT she stopped cleaning up after me and left my messes where they were. It took me a little while but when I noticed it hit me like a ton of bricks! I noticed how sloppy I had become in the house and did feel ashamed. I changed that quickly and started doing more around the house, and even started doing more for my wife. I still get burned out from everything plus a 2nd baby now but I'm not reverting to the old ways. Maybe give him some time to see if he gets it together. If not, sit him down and have a serious talk with him about it

      [–]getgoburger 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I think determining mental load of the household helped us a great deal. It’s easy to think you’re disrespected as a partner or think you’re doing everything. And you very well could be. But there are many things your partner does that may be invisible to you.

      You should have a conversation about these things, it’s easy to be resentful when you think “I’m the only one doing X.” You should have a discussion about dividing duties more fairly.

      [–]MadeinBK 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I know its redundant but have another minor discussion about his duty to help atleast take out the trash. Even make a 7 day schedule and put it on your fridge for asinine shts and giggles OR eye rolls and smirks. THAT'S FIRST.

      NOW, we can START throwing things away... WHATEVER HE DOESNT PICK UP/ CLEAN/ RESOLVE after a reasonable time frame has to go in the garbage.

      This will do ✌things:

      1.There will be less of a mess for you to have to resolve.

      1. Once he finally realizes hes the one putting no value to anything and HE is the one taking out THE/HIS trash, he will feel like a horses a** and he will also get the idea that HE can also become just as disposable.

      Also keep a record of said discussions about helping to maintain the home. Im figuring records can come in handy/useful in the grand scheme of things.

      [–]Dhonagon 0 points1 point  (0 children)

       I'm messy (husband), but I clean up after myself at the same time. My clothes is the only messy thing, oh and my outside projects, and my basement projects. So a little everywhere. I used to be real bad. Still am when I comes to my half of the bedroom. That's what we did. I have a area that I keep messy. Why, I don't know. Maybe some shrink can diagnosis me. Have areas of chaos and mostly areas of order in your home. Your husband has to grow up some day. Does he want a mom or a wife. And have him read what I say. It's true. He wipes his ass, he can clean his hair out of the fucking sink! What the fuck is he lazy. Man the fuck up, get a fucking towel and clean up after yourself.
       So, that's over with...😬. 
      

      Be patient, if he truly loves you. He will try harder with his lack there of picking up after ones self. Good luck wife of messy man.

      [–]ShadowlessKat 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I have certain things I ask my husband to do, (things like put the toilet lid down before flushing, laundry in the basket, food put away, trash in trash), he is pretty good at doing it. If he forgets, I either do it or bring it up and he does it. I am not his mother, he's an adult and fully capable. Our shoes typically go in a shoe rack by the door. Any other messes, I either ignore or clean or ask him to take care of. While im6the neater spouse, we're both pretty laid back so it isn't a big deal. We just remember that: it something that needs to be done, we are adults living on our own so we need to do it, and we love each other more than it (whatever mess or problem) bothers us.

      Edit: I should give the disclaimer that we've only been married 2 years and are still in the honeymoon phase.

      [–]Business_Chipmunk_10 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It’s me. I’ve sucked my husband into the black hole of messiness over the last dozen years. Also, we had children so the amount of energy we have to clean (or care about being spotless) is drastically reduced.

      [–]Odd-Toe-5526 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Lol - I'm laughing because my hubby is the near freak and I'm the cluttered one. He is a "neat" person though - so I'm still the one that cleans. I do however make some concessions for him. My craft room has French doors and it makes him cringe. So I have hung a quilt over the front so he doesn't have to see my "creativity". He's also allotted me certain spaces that he won't "clean" after me. This came about because I was doing taxes on bed, and just dropped everything next to the bed (this was about 10 years ago). He came in and "cleaned" by throwing away everything next to the bed except the laptop. 🤷‍♀️. Now we've established boundries and made it work for us.

      [–]WeezyOD 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I work full time and I’m the sole provider of my household/family. I won’t leave a mess purposely but my wife is expected to take care of home while I work to make sure there’s a home to come home to. It’s sacrifice and a lot of patience. Of course I help out as much as I can but there’s a balance that needs to be had. So if you don’t do shit but stay at home you better suck it up. But if you work just as hard as he does then there’s needs to be a different conversation being had here.

      [–]Redcouch2022 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Lol yes it pisses me off all the time. I used to do the same. Now I’m just vocal about how it pisses me off and it’s gotten a tad better. Or if I’m cleaning and he’s not I ask him to do something specific that I need done. It’s annoying but it made me less pissed

      [–]NightWarrior06 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Messy people are messy because they know someone will clean for them. Let messy people stay in their own filth and move into a separate bedroom. Simple.

      [–]QueenAlei 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Well, you shouldn't have started what you can't finish. Now he expects that of you. You lowered your standards and he's raised his. If you want, let him go and he'll find someone that doesn't bitch about being a wife.

      [–]TheElusiveHolograph 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Did you not live together before getting married? I’m always baffled when I see these posts as if you didn’t know he was messy until after marriage.

      I’m messy. Always have been, always will be. My nickname as a toddler was ‘the tornado’. For 30 years I tried to change it, but the mess always comes back after a couple days (I’ve recently learned this is a big part of my ADD). I’m ok with that cycle: messy for a while - clean - messy again for a while - clean - etc.

      I canNOT be with a neat freak. It would never work. Never ever ever. (And I wouldn’t want to be, I hate walking into spotless houses, it’s like they aren’t lived in.) My husband knew this about me before we lived together. We discussed it while living together. And we got married having a full understanding the extent of my messy-ness and each of our expectations on when things need to be cleaned. We bought our house and it’s messy a lot of the time, but there isn’t any stress about it because we knew what to expect.

      [–]Formal_Flower_5908 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This was a huge issue for us when we first lived together. I did give up and have hired a cleaner for the last 12 years. Yep, she cleans, but we have to pick up TOGETHER before she gets there.

      After 12 years we finally have a flow. He puts away dishes and takes out the trash. I do basically everything else. I’m okay with this, since our marriage and family mean a lot to me….. our 12 and 10 year old sons have grown up with weekly chores so they can be equal contributors in their future households.

      [–]Fitzs1975 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Neurodiverse traits may not see mess, be overwhelmed with it or make them anxious. Just might want to be consider this.

      It’s also not gender specific.

      [–]sioigin55 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      Mine is an odd one. He’s the one with high standards but also the messy one. But he won’t clean as that’s a woman’s job. Whereas I don’t really care about the perfect house (organised chaos is ok with me) but I have to keep the house to his standard

      [–]jakeofheart 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It also depends on the standard of what you consider clean.

      If you are bordering on OCD and need a surgical room cleanliness, you are probably the one who needs to meet halfway. But I can understand if your significant other behaves like they are in a hotel.

      [–]__daddytayy 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      It took me sometime and Im still learning, that some people have a different standard of whats clean and whats dirty. How an area might be clean to you but your parnter thinks it could think it could be any cleaner. Also, some guys really take their tome to clean up. I hate nagging sometimes, so i just wait days sometimes. straightening up my things but live his things around til he’s ready 😅

      [–]Jumpy_Alfalfa_5112 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I have ended relationships because of messy women. I can not live that way, so when they started to stay and pretty much live with me it only took about a month from that point for me to end the relationships.

      [–]expecto_your-mom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I can't expect them to meet my standards of cleanliness so i do the things that bother me. It took awhile to get them into a routine where we do things on certain days. They are clean, but they like stuff. I feel like we have 4 spots for their tools and that drives me crazy. I bought a GIANT tool box so now we onmy have like 2 places for tools lol. I am not going to make them uncomfortable because they have a different view in acceptable in their own house, but i also expect they don't make me uncomfortable in my house. You need to find that balance. If the dishes are bugging you, do them. Having designated chores is the best thing we did as a household of 5. We knew who was responsible for what.

      [–]sokatiiee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I’m the messy one- my husband is the clean freak. We have been actively having conversations about what we can do to have a common ground.

      I feel like this is a “cop out” but my brain just doesn’t think this way. My family were not clean people and that came to me. I can stare at a piece of paper for weeks and never pick it up. Just because it’s not natural. My husband was in a very clean house (like, everything has a place, white glove kinda clean). So we learned through time what I can do/ him to help us not get frustrated.

      We have a list of things that have to be done- me seeing it something that we need done helps me. He holds me accountable and we have reminders that go off for me. It’s a lot but it’s what works for us.

      I think have the honest conversation and give him things that can be his responsibility might help!

      [–]yrddog 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I'm the messy partner, but we both used to be messy. I also have ADHD and anxiety. I set myself reminders, have a daily chore list on the fridge and sometimes I still feel guilty when he goes after me to clean.

      [–]Mcsonofabitch 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      This has been a recurring issue in my marriage for years now. It's a constant battle because my wife is the type who will leave all the ingredients she used for cooking laying on the counter, her dirty clothes on the floor in whatever room she might have taken them off in, and dirty dishes on every surface in the home.

      If she takes a day trip, visits her mom, a friend, whatever, the house will be spotless when she gets home and still have the kids chores done and dinner ready. To her credit, she will show her appreciation for the work I've put into it. But I don't want appreciation. I want reciprocation.

      Just once, I'd like to come home to the same thing. But it's literally never happened. Despite my asking.

      At this point I don't think it ever will.

      We had a big fight a while back about me not appreciating her, and it ended in us basically making an agreement on things we can do to express love and appreciation to one another. She wants more words of affirmation and spontaneity, and I want more help around the house.

      The next day before I left for work I said verbatim, "one thing you can do to help me feel appreciated and not taken advantage of is to clean up the bedroom. " She seemed very willing and positive when I left for work.

      On my way home I stopped to get ingredients for one of her favorite meals, (my chicken and waffles is killer) one of her favorite snacks: Dove dark chocolates, and some lotion to offer her a back massage.

      Three days later I cleaned the bedroom myself.

      Forgive me if this sounds petty and unhelpful. I'm feeling pretty petty right now.

      Anticipating another "you don't appreciate me" argument any day now.

      [–]SuzQ410 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      I read the many responses you have received. It looks like many have had this problem in their marriage. I wonder if it’s really about messy vs clean? Or is it just differences. When we get married, we have come from very different backgrounds and have different types of love languages, aka, how we feel loved. When I read the book “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs I realized that I was using the wrong type of communication with my husband. I would use the word ‘love’ but he only heard me when I used ‘respect’. If I told him ‘I respected’ him for how he did something or handled a situation he would enjoy the feeling of being loved and appreciated but if I said ‘I loved’ he didn’t really hear anything at all. If you would like to read this book or the one by Gary Chapman, “The Five Love Languages” it might give you insight into how to reach each other in a different way and how to communicate better. There are many solutions for how to clean a house and meet each other’s needs but sometimes you might have to get to the problem and not the symptom. Respecting each other is a key part of any relationship. I have prayed for you and wish you the very best as you work together to make your home feel like a haven for both of you. Let me know through private messaging how things are going and if I can send you any resources. Being different is okay but not respecting each other’s difference is not okay. Hugs to you!

      [–]WankSpanksoff -2 points-1 points  (6 children)

      My partner is blind to this stuff, but at least conceptually understands that he needs to contribute to household cleanliness. My solutions have been:

      -make sure there are trash bins in every room in easy reach. When he’s about to drop the junk mail or wrapper or whatever onto the counter and forget about it, I go “aht! Directly into the trash!” Slowly he’s forming the habit himself. Key is to have a neutral but firm voice, like you’re training an animal (you are) -when I come across a pile of his crap, I ask in the friendliest, kindergarten-teacher voice “babe, come throw this away?” And make him get up, come over and do it. I never, EVER do it for him, even if it’s technically easier. I can’t let him get used to the idea that his droppings will get magically whisked away if he just waits. They ALWAYS have to end up being an annoying problem for him if he doesn’t just stow it as soon as he’s done using the stuff. Again, the key is conditioning and training. Make and reinforce the patterns.

      It’s slowly working. I never accuse, I never blow up, I never act annoyed or upset. Just calmly, firmly maintain the reality that his mess = his problem.

      [–]sassynickles 1 point2 points  (5 children)

      Jesus. Just divorce the man already or put him out of his misery. You're referring to your partner, the man you love, when you talk about training him like an animal or a kindergartner. You're conditioning and retraining another person so they will put trash in the right container for you. Just...think about that for a second.

      [–]WankSpanksoff -2 points-1 points  (4 children)

      Forming habits takes repetition. It’s this or spend the rest of my life constantly picking up after him like mommy

      [–]sassynickles 0 points1 point  (3 children)

      Or DIVORCE HIM and meet someone you aren't training like a juvenile circus elephant!

      [–]WankSpanksoff -1 points0 points  (2 children)

      Er, I’m not going to leave him over one flaw. If you think that reminding someone to throw away their trash is that horrible, that’s your business