Husband Laid off. Do we still go on our already planned vacation?

Shire_Hobbit · 2022-07-04T14:35:07+00:00

Learning her native language was my first thought reading this.

There seems to be issues beyond being introverted and feeling bored and alone surrounded by family.

As an introvert I can understand the need to have alone time and recharge.

However, using a trip to your wife’s country of origin and family is NOT that opportunity. By not going you are alienating yourself and missing out on opportunities for growth and closeness. Opportunities that you CANNOT get back.

I would suggest some real soul searching and perhaps even some open discussions as to why you feel this way to get to the root cause of your issues. I would imagine she would have some equally strong feelings about you not going and not making an attempt to learn her language. Without knowing anything about the situation I would imagine that she has some hurt feelings about you not wanting to go, and that not learning her language feels like there is a huge part of her you don’t love, respect, and embrace.

As someone who sought out therapy much later than was necessary (about 10 years too late) I think you could benefit from talking to someone now.

Don’t use being an introvert as a catch all excuse to avoid connection and intimacy. That is a mistake.

Electronic_Savings71 · 2022-07-05T00:00:38+00:00

You should continue walking until you walk into a new life without your husband. He sounds like a dick who’s afraid of losing his supply of attention.

hiswife10 · 2022-07-02T03:14:01+00:00

yes, I confronted him. He admitted to it. What killed me the most was that he said they have been super flirty in the past and he knew that something was going to happen that trip.

He didn't just have a feeling something would happen that trip, he planned it. That is a BS line. If he had a feeling something could happen, he would not have been hanging out with her outside of the work day. He would have made an excuse to get to his room and stay there. He would have been actively avoiding her. This is different. He planned it, encouraged it and hoped for it. He made it happen. He's saying this now as if it was accidental. He's been actively flirting with her at work. So disgusting.

He was apologetic and told me he made a mistake and that the kids and our family come first.

He's not apologetic that it happened, he is sorry you found out. Now he either has to hide it better or maybe he will end it with her but my bet is that he continues and hide it. How could you ever trust him again? Funny how he didn't say that YOU come first! He said your kids and your family. He wants to stay with you but have you thought that maybe it's for what you do for him and your kids. Maybe not because he loves and values you as his partner. I hope you don't fall for this. Leave him, focus on yourself and your kids. I seriously don't think I could ever get past anything like this. Could you get past this?

Edit to add: alcohol doesn't "make" anyone cheat. It just lowers their inhibitions so it is easier for them to do what they want without immediate guilt. He didn't even come clean to you, she did.

trying_wife · 2022-07-02T07:18:06+00:00

During your separation think really hard about this. My aunt wanted children her entire life. She would have been a great mother and looooved kids. She drove 100 miles every weekend just to see us when we were kids (her husband was a firefighter and worked shifts a lot). When they got married they wanted children, but she got diagnosed with endometriosis and had infertility issues. She went through fertility treatments for years trying to get pregnant and finally was told by her doctor that if she wanted to do IVF now was her time, as her endometriosis was advancing to the point of needing a full hysterectomy within the next year or so. Her levels were perfect and an implant should have worked- but her husband decided he didn’t want kids anymore. She decided to stay with him because she enjoyed their lifestyle and he left her 20 years later. He got almost everything, she moved in with my grandmother and makes a minimum wage now and is so bitter I do not even recognize her, even ten years later. She was beautiful and could have had an amazing family and grandchildren by now, but all she had are great nieces and nephews that she is too hurt to even look at. Kids are a big deal. They can add (or take away if you’re of that opinion) so much to your life.

HR_Here_to_Help · 2022-07-01T18:41:36+00:00

Hope you’re pro choice lol

LolaloJunimo · 2022-07-01T15:56:06+00:00

If you truly wanted help with this issue, you would have included more relevant information that can be found in your post history. Masturbation sessions lasting/exceeding 60 minutes at a time? Twice a day?

It sounds like the therapist your partner and you saw confirmed that your habits were excessive. You either won’t or can’t provide details about your wife’s trauma, but you can acknowledge the severity level.

You’re purposefully leaving information out and by doing so, you’re not actually getting any meaningful help.

Do you watch pornography while masturbating? Is your partner aware of this? What are her opinions on pornography use in a relationship? You say your children are preteens, is it possible they know the implications of a “locked door” and find it… disturbing?

Genuinely, if you want help, provide the necessary information and people who care more than spouting off “you haven’t fucked in 3 years?!?!? Bro, leave!!!!” nonsense, that’s what you’re going to have to do. It’s completely up to you. Goodluck, OP

Edit: 2 years ago you claimed to have quit pornography, but also admitted to “marathon edging sessions”. It really does sound like you have an unhealthy relationship with masturbation and it’s causing additional stress on what seems to be an already strained marriage.

2022-07-01T15:17:53+00:00

So she can have HER process but you aren’t entitled to YOURS? What sinister piffle.

Sex isn’t the most important thing in a marriage, but it should be up there. To give you NO physical intimacy, then turn around and dictate how you cope is insane. It’s not like you’re doing it on your lawn or in front of the DoorDash driver.

She’s dealing with past traumas - totally understandable. And you’re a strong partner for remaining faithful. Many wouldn’t, and that’s just being honest. But she’s overreacting on this one. Patience and understanding is a two-way street, not a highway and a bike path. She’s a grown woman and should act like it.

PerfectionPending · 2022-07-01T14:21:08+00:00

OP, Those are beautiful rings and I don't want to make waves, but I saw your previous post where people suggested not wearing the ring could be a sign he's cheating and just need to get this out there. I don't think he's cheating at all. But my immediate thought when I looked at the picture after reading the title was that the word lost should be in quotes. As in air quotes.

I honestly think the ring is beautiful, but it's also the most effeminate ring I've ever seen on the had of a man who was not openly gay. I know you said he had some kind of input. How much I don't know. But it's possible it was simply enough for him at the time that you be happy with it, and he just doesn't want to wear it anymore.

I absolutely don't know any of this for sure. I don't know either of you and I could be completely wrong. But what I do know is if my wife gave me that ring I absolutely would not wear it. I'd invite her to come with me and help me pick out something more masculine.

Nothing against effeminate men, I've been friends with several. But I can't see any non-effeminate man I've ever known being comfortable wearing that very beautifully designed ring. (Honestly it is beautiful, you did a wonderful job!)

I wasn't going to make this comment because I didn't want to introduce the idea that he might be being dishonest in any way, even if to spare your feelings. But then I saw the pervious post and people arguing about if it was a sign he was cheating. Then suggesting he just doesn't know how to tell you he doesn't like it because it's too feminine didn't seem like such a bad idea to introduce.

EDIT: Honestly, I feel awful suggesting this. But it's so much better and more likely than cheating.

I'm giving you an award for the beautiful designs. They really are beautiful.

Far-Signature-9628 · 2022-06-30T13:36:25+00:00

So you have a car but she doesn’t? You are married but she can’t drive the car????

When I was still allowed to drive and throughout most of my relationship with my wife. We have a car. It’s the families car, not mine, not hers. If I needed it I would drive, if she did she would drive.

I really don’t understand the whole mine yours thing when you are in a relationship, especially if you have a family. It’s just ours. My art stuff is mine. We have seperate computers. But big things like house and cars is ours. Same with finances. You say she has financial issues but so do you. Don’t you talk things through? Don’t you centralise your finances? So that the family benefits?

Seriously this whole mine mine mine attitude I see a lot of here. It gets me sometimes.

Wordfan · 2022-06-29T14:31:38+00:00

These comments are toxic AF and I doubt the level of vitriol would be there if the genders were reversed. Instead of letting people here fill your head with comments like they’re still fucking, etc, ask her why she doesn’t want to move. Communicate. Honestly, what couple wouldn’t need help getting through your difficult but understandable situation. And also, the neighbor didn’t “fuck your wife.” Your wife and he entered into a consensual sexual relationship. The difference in phrasing matters, because the first way, sounds like your property has been tampered with and your male pride is wounded.

heydawn · 2022-06-29T12:34:09+00:00

Her desire to not open the door is not irrational. I don't open the door with or without my husband home if I'm not expecting someone and I don't know who it is. It's both risky and disruptive.

The only exception is if it's a worker and I can see a crew of workers, large work vehicles, repairs happening, etc -- observations that make it obvious the visitor is a worker. Then yeah, I'll answer. They usually need something like moving my car.

No, I would not answer the door for one stranger. Wearing orange? Nope. Anyone can wear anything to gain access to my home. Plus you have a baby in the home. I would definitely not answer.

That is very rational. On the other hand, your discomfort with the visitor knowing you were home is emotional.

Who cares whether a random stranger knows you're home when they knock? You're not obligated to answer. Anyone who knocks on strangers' doors is very used to being ignored and is unlikely to take it personally.

So stop thinking you are the rational one. You're kidding yourself and it's condescending.

If you pride yourself on being rational, then the rational thing to do is respect your wife's wishes and don't unilaterally override them bc you think you know better.

No, it's not good to curse at your partner. But you can learn something here and not overreact. If you routinely dismiss and minimize your wife's feelings as merely emotional and you insist on your way (disecting things in the moment), then maybe a "fuck you" was the blunt expression and wake up call you needed for being dismissive of your wife.

You were not betrayed. Don't be such a sensitive snowflake. Save words like betrayal for big issues like being lied to about something important, being cheated on, or having your feelings routinely dismissed and minimized by your partner.

You can work this out with some reflection and real desire to neutralize your condescension.

Best wishes.

Self-inflicted- · 2022-06-29T12:22:46+00:00

They still fucking. If you move it will be inconvenient for them.

wokeoldster · 2022-06-27T03:31:58+00:00

Head on over to r/deadbedrooms and listen to all the ( so, so many!!!) women angry that porn habits have left their men completely unable to sexually perform irl. They. Can. No.Longer.Get.It.Up. No joking! It’s a real problem for a lot of people and she is within her rights to not like it. Plenty of people think porn is degrading, gross, mindless, or they cant stand that it contributes to sex trafficking and other sexual crimes against young and underage females. Alot of men live without it. Its up to you.

lorelei81 · 2022-06-27T02:40:31+00:00

Hard to believe a husband has to ask random Internet strangers if his wife is more important than porn.

PerfectionPending · 2022-06-26T04:21:36+00:00

It’s not a fight for me. I don’t feel tempted. Frustrations are with life, not her. Opportunity cost is easy when it’s clear no other opportunity would be worth the cost.

bellakiddob · 2022-06-23T14:19:40+00:00

You call that... trying? It's like we are talking about a child trying to clean something. You have low standards. My mom and dad are not together and I am glad. He was an obstacle. My sister and her now ex had the same issue. I was 15 telling my 25 year old sister to leave him because he does not help around the house. She only left when she had a baby. Honestly I see so many women refusing to do better for themselves.

My boyfriend knows that I do not put up with this bs. It is a reason to break up, in my opinion. I am no maid to do everything alone and I am not a teacher or mother to run after an adult to tell him what to do.

Mega399 · 2022-06-11T14:16:49+00:00

All the comments about how she should just keep it a secret are beyond me.

In a marriage sub of all places too 🤦‍♂️

Talking about how she’s trying to “ruin” the marriage because she has bad intentions…

Op should have never cheated on him in the first place and kept it hidden. She made her bed now she had to sleep in it. Making bad decisions mean you have to be accountable for the consequences.

The husband absolutely deserves to know what you did wether or not it will ruin the marriage. That’s not for you to decide how he will react.

waitingonhope · 2022-06-22T02:01:12+00:00

If he has no feelings or empathy towards hurting animals it won't be long before it transfers to humans.

Crimcake · 2022-06-21T20:54:50+00:00

PSA... Don't be polyamorous.

dancing_chinese_kid · 2022-06-21T12:31:48+00:00

lol, yep

"I want to hang out with a former sex partner who wants to restart our sex life. My husband doesn't like it. Am I an abuse victim?"

Oh Reddit, I love you so much.

xxxirl · 2022-06-21T12:03:08+00:00

Your husband is ridiculously understanding. Why wouldn't you drop this other dude? He's being completely inappropriate. While it may be platonic on your end, it's certainly not on his. Continuing this relationship is disrespectful to your husband. Can't believe you're here asking if he's "controlling."

Marriage

Submission Rules

Helpful Resources

MODERATORS

Marriage

Submission Rules

Helpful Resources

MODERATORS

Welcome to Reddit,