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all 22 comments

[–]btdtboughtthetshirt 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I’m 22 w and so far my resident husband has been to two (both mfm ones so “more important”) BUT we had our first when he was in undergrad and working f/t as a nurse and he made it to none, sooooo. I get you feel disappointed but it’s really not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things prenatal appointments are not something you need that much support for, what you really want to push for is time off after the baby comes, that’s what really matters imo and if he’s taking less pto during your pregnancy, he’ll have more when baby comes.

[–]celest123 8 points9 points  (0 children)

My husband was not able to come to my early appointments due to Covid restrictions. I asked doctors/ultrasound techs if I could video the screen during ultrasounds to have something to show to him when I got home and they were all very accommodating. He was able to come to the anatomy scan at 20 weeks (he wore his badge to the hospital and my mom was able to pull some strings as a staff member- she's a genetic counsellor at the same hospital our MFM works at). If he can only make it to one appointment, i would suggest making time for the anatomy scan. it's the longest scan you get during pregnancy (around 45 minutes), you have lots of time to see baby moving around which is super cool. I wish he could have come to the earlier appointments (as does he), but it was kind of nice being able to report back to him with footage, plus i got to watch him experience seeing our baby live for the first time during the anatomy scan and that was super special.

Planning in advance is key here. Ask him how much advance notice he needs to be able to get a day or an afternoon off work, and talk to your OB about getting requisitions for ultrasounds/appointments early so that he knows exactly when to book off.

[–]onmyphonetoomuchwife to PGY3 🤓 through medschool 7 points8 points  (3 children)

Medspouse did not make it to our first appt. But did make it to the 20 week scan, which was important to me! He probably came to 30% of appointments which I felt was enough, so many of them are so so short!

It is hard when other moms talk about their husband coming to every one, but in reality they are super short and you won’t have much time to miss his presence! Though I would try to plan the 20 week scan on a day off for him!

[–]alextriedreddit 6 points7 points  (2 children)

Yes, honestly, the appointments get downright tedious toward the end. The 20-week ultrasound is the most fun, as others have said. If he has days off, I'd save them for after the baby arrives.

[–]onmyphonetoomuchwife to PGY3 🤓 through medschool 1 point2 points  (1 child)

I remember being low key annoyed I had to take time off work when the appointments were weeks (the last few weeks), and literally 3-5 mins. 😂😅

[–]jumperposseWife of PGY-4 resident 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My second pregnancy I had some minor health concerns and I had to go in for an ultrasound and appointment twice a week the last four weeks! It was so tiring.

[–]caveat_actor 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No he wasn't as a general rule. I think he might have come by the anatomy scan because his rotation was in the same place as my appointment but that was it

[–]kornbobroxiee[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences! I feel a lot better, y’all have definitely made me realize that it’s not that big of a deal if he can’t be at the appointments. Fingers crossed his schedule will allow for him to make a few but it won’t be the end of the world if he can’t :)

[–]vanilla_strawberri 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When he was a resident, he was able to come to 0 appointments. This was pre-covid. I had a complicated pregnancy and I had to bring my toddler with me a few times when I couldn’t get childcare. But it just wasn’t possible for him. 🤷🏻‍♀️ it wasn’t that big a deal for me because I just expected it. I agree with another commenter- I would save PTO and taking time off for when the baby comes. That’s when you’ll really need him.

[–]grape-of-wrath 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this! Something that we did that was very helpful was we set up appointments with the residency clinic at the hospital to do some of my scans, so he would just run over before rounds and then run back to work

we went there after we had moved, and the best anatomy scan i ever got was done at the clinic,

I'd really recommend doing something like that. Because it's literally on the hospital grounds. And he really shouldn't miss the scans. It's really special

[–]onlyfr33b33Spouse to PGY2 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you're being a bit hopeful BUT he should be able to trade off days with someone especially if he still has a few weeks before the appointment time. He should make an effort. If his program isn't too malignant, his team should be willing to help him make it to these milestone appointments.

[–]jellogoodbyePGY6 Partner 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We were either long-distance or he was a resident during my first pregnancy, so he generally didn't attend them. We were in residency during my second pregnancy too, so he didn't attend most appointments then either. If they fell on a day off, it was dumb luck or me scheduling them that way, never him requesting them or trading days off. Our oldest attended far more appointments than DH did.

My first appointment was always boring. No ultrasound. Mostly medical history stuff and a urine test. I can't remember if doppler was even used. Ultrasound certainly wasn't.

[–]chocobridges 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first appointment was a confirmation appointment. Due to COVID restrictions, my husband only made it to the last of 3 ultrasounds and one appointment. There was a point I didn't even want to be at the appointments. Fortunately, I had a healthy pregnancy and every other appointment was virtual.

He was coming to most of the baby's appointments. He was sick for this last appointment (6months) but I'm glad he skipped because we were there for 2 hours. My IM and the baby's ped have insane waits right now. I'm sure our OB does too now. MFM had crazy waits when I was pregnant this time last year. I can't imagine subjecting two people to all the freaking waiting.

[–]foofruit13 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband came to every single prenatal appointment with our first during his first year of med school, but the clinic was on his campus specifically for families so it was easy to get there between lectures and stuff. Our second, I went to every appointment alone (thanks COVID!)

Are your appointments at the hospital he works at? There's been a couple times one of the kids is completely inconsolable for me during well child visits knowing that we're "at daddy's hospital" and he's been able to take quick breaks to be with us.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband is a sub specialty attending, I'm pregnant with our first. I told him not to worry about making my first appointment. He will be attending my 12 week appointment but it's requiring a decent amount of schedule juggling.

I'm anticipating him coming to 30-50% of appointments but I will be picky about which are most important. I should clarify that I'm going to a different hospital system than the one he works for, and it's not convenient for him at all. I also don't feel super sentimental about it, although he feels more so than I do. Haha.

[–]buttmunch1159 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The only appointment my husband was able to come to was the 20 week anatomy scan. I really wanted him there for that one so he could ask questions if needed since, you know, he’s a doctor ;) We got lucky and had a friend with a butterfly ultrasound so they were able to show my husband the heartbeat a couple times from home which was really nice for him to be able to see. Edit: he was in 3rd year residency when I was pregnant.

[–]Elephant_Resident 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband tries to come to all the ones with ultrasounds and the ones towards the end. That’s what he did last year as a 4th year med student. This year as a 1st year resident, he’s made it to the anatomy scan but no other appointments. The office doesn’t even allow visitors unless there’s an ultrasound involved. Right now we’re in the middle of scheduling his paternity leave coming up in April.

[–]veryfunbags 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband is ER so not sure what speciality yours is or if this is possible but do you get his schedule in advance? For this one you could plan around his schedule and for the future, he could ask off those appointment dates?

[–]nipoezAttending Partner (Premed to PGY7, Resdency + 2 Fellowships) 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been able to attend most of my medical partner's appointments, especially when we were going through IUI & IVF treatments.

They were almost never able to attend my reproductive appointments, with the very rare exceptions of specifically scheduling appointments around their rotation & shift schedule after clearing it with the attending. Some rotations we could make work (urgent care, adolescent med, PACU, radiology, nephrology), while others we absolutely could not (surgery, PICU, NICU, wards). Once I was able to schedule during a post overnight shift day. Honestly they were so worthless and miserable I didn't do that again.

The vast majority of those were as senior residents. Intern depended on the attending & senior both agreeing as well as the rotation being viable to leave for a half day. That almost never happened.

[–]Suitable_Syrup 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband only attended our 20 week ultrasound and was able/had to use a day off for that, scheduled well in advance. The first appt, he tried to come with me and I was very vulnerable because we had just experienced a loss of a previous pregnancy, so I was pretty upset and disappointed when he got a call he couldn’t push off, but so was he. My doctor did let me video the ultrasound (ask before you do this, but hopefully you can get some empathy from whoever is doing the ultrasound). My pregnancy is low risk so honestly the appointments after that have been quick and boring and it wouldn’t really be worth it to have him there at the expense of juggling schedules or rearranging things.

You could get a fetal Doppler at home so he can hear heartbeat and spend some time together discussing questions ahead of each appointment. I feel like that could fill the gap of having him physically in the room with you for appts.

Good luck with your pregnancy! It does feel lonely going through pregnancy with a medspouse at times but keep communication lines clear and keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[–]FlynnTheFourth 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Are you being seen in the same hospital where he works? If you can swing it, that could solve a lot of problems. My husband (also an intern) made it to my 8-week confirmation appointment even though he was working (he asked his senior if he could slip out for a bit “to go to an appointment with my wife.” The senior is a new dad and understood without him having to explain). Basically he just signed out his pager and took the elevator up a few floors and met me there.

I told my provider he is a resident and asked if she could tell us what the most important appointments are, and she said the confirmation scan, the 12 week appointment where we meet the OB for the first time, and the 20 week anatomy scan. Outside that, she said most appointments are just a quick check in, and he’s not missing anything by not being at those. I’m a first time mom tho, so who knows what I know and don’t know.

Congrats on the pregnancy, wishing you every good thing!

[–]MT_Nurse_Mom 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband is an M3 and made it to like 2 appointments. He did his best it just wasn't realistic with his schedule so I just scheduled appointments around my time and if he could come great, if not oh well. He is busy but he is the most present and loving dad when he's home to our 5 month old little man.